How to Be His Priority (And Stop Being Just An Option to Him)!

there's nothing worse than being taken for granted  by someone who you really care about or treated   like an option or him making you feel like your  efforts are going unnoticed or not appreciated   so what do you do about it we're going to talk  about that today hello my name is matthew coast   and welcome to my channel today we're going to  be talking about how to be his priority and stop   being just an option to him and so how do you  make a man make you a priority in his life if   that's what you want say yes in the chat and let's  get started so what do you do first one is number   one there's actually six things that you will want  to do if you want to turn things around with a guy   number one is you want to set a higher standard  you want to set a standard of him prioritizing you   so this is the foundation for everything that  you're going to be doing and what it is that   we're talking about here you want to raise your  standards for how you're treated by him for how   you're treated by men for how you're treated by  other people in your life you want to raise your   standard for yourself and and who you are and  what you create and how you act in your life   and then you want to communicate that  new standard to him don't just leave it   leave it up to luck and hope that he figures it  out you want to actually communicate it to him   so make your new standard that he treats you  well make him be kind and sweet to you make him   treat you like a gentleman should these are the  things that you'll want to do if he's taking for   granted or if you want to start having people in  your life who treat you like a priority so how   do you set this standard so you're going to say  different things you're going to be communicating   this there's a whole bunch of different ways to  do it and one of the best ways to do it one of   the easiest ways to do it is this you're going  to say things like this you're going to say   i only date guys who say sweet things to me so  if you're dating a guy and you're in kind of this   dating world and you're in a dating scenario  you're not in an actual relationship with them   this is what you would say or you might say  i only get into relationships i only will   get into a relationship with a guy who puts an  effort to show me how much he cares so basically   you're setting a frame and you're saying this is  really attractive to me this is what i want this   is how you can get into a relationship with me  basically you're setting you're showing him a path   you're creating a path and you're saying this is  how you get to the promised land it's something i   talk about if you've watched my other videos about  shining a light you're shining a light onto where   it is that you want him to go so that he knows  how to get you guys to your happily ever after   and then uh when your man when you tell  a man standers when you you communicate   your standards to him this sends a signal to a  man's brain that he needs to treat you better   that you're a woman of value and that you are in  a position where this is this is expected this is   normal behavior that you have when somebody  dates you or is in a relationship with you   and then the man will think in his mind oh she's  this kind of a woman she's the kind of woman   that gets treated really well by men and this is  something that i should be doing here and then you   need to hold him to that standard and it's very  very important because men a lot of times will try   to push past your boundaries they'll try to test  your boundaries and see how serious you really   are about these standards that you have and so  you have to hold him to that standard because if   you don't he's going to walk all over you and you  don't want to get walked all over say hi if you're   with us right now in the chat say hi and tell us  where in the world you're watching this from okay   so number two is you want to create something  that i call the priority frame and so one of   the standards that you should require is that he  treats you like a priority in order to be around   you and so there's this thing called a frame  and i call it a frame what it is is basically   a spoken or unspoken social agreement that you  have either with yourself or another person in   this case we're talking about creating a social  agreement with another person this man that or   the men that you date or this man that you're in a  relationship with and if you want him to treat you   as a priority you need to set that frame that says  that he must treat you as a priority there must be   a unspoken agreement between the two of  you that he must treat you like a priority   or he doesn't get to hang out with you anymore so  if he doesn't make you a priority you restrict his   access to you until he does so it doesn't matter  how attracted to you because i get this all the   time where i'll talk to women about this kind of  thing they're like yeah but uh but i don't wanna   and i i just i'm so in love with him and he just  he's so amazing and i don't i don't wanna shake   things up and it's like well what's more important  to you the relationship or being treated like   you're a valuable amazing special woman who  deserves to be a priority in somebody's life   and so it doesn't matter how much you miss  him doesn't matter how much you like him   if he doesn't treat you as a priority he doesn't  get access to you until he does that's how you   set the frame because what will happen is you'll  say okay you know he's treating me like a priority   he gets to spend time with me he gets to hang out  with me and it'll start creating this association   in his brain where he goes well if i want to hang  out and spend time with this wonderful amazing   woman i have to start treating her as a priority  and so what does that even mean though what does   it mean to treat you as a priority it means that  he's making time to spend with just you with no   distractions it means that he travels to come  and see you not just you traveling to go see   him it means treating you like you're special like  you're important and like you're valuable to him   it means taking your thoughts emotions and needs  into consideration when he's connecting with you   so let him know that this is what you want and  once he gets into the habit of doing it the frame   will be set and he'll expect that he should treat  you this way in order to be with you so you want   to create a social agreement with him whether  it's spoken or unspoken doesn't matter you want   to communicate to him that he needs to start doing  those things and if he doesn't then he doesn't get   access to you that's the social agreement or the  frame that he steps into so number three is you're   going to create some scarcity and so there's a  thing out there called the scarcity principle and   it there's a thing called the law familiarity and  the law of familiarity is a law that basically   states that the more we're around something the  more that we'll start taking it for granted over   and over and over again and it's it's a really  unfortunate law but it's true and it happens   with everything and the classic example that i  give is that of a song right you hear a song and   you love the song it's like your favorite song  you're like oh this song is so awesome i love it   and and you you like download it and then you're  like listening to it over and over and over again   and then next thing you know it just you know  if you listen to it every day all the time which   many of you have probably done this before  then all of a sudden the song's just it's   not as special it's not as amazing maybe it's  still great but it's not as amazing as it was   when you first listened to it but if you stop  listening to that song and then you hear it   on the radio or one of your friends plays it  or something like that you're like yes it's   my song again let's play it and so what is that  what's being created right there right it's it's   a thing called scarcity and scarcity creates value  whenever there's a high demand for something and   it's a scarce or limited resource or you  have restricted access to it you value it   more when you're around it so this is just  human psychology and this works for everything   and everyone and so be his favorite song that he  never gets tired of that's what your game plan   with this is all right so that's number three  number one was setting a higher standard number   two is setting a priority frame number three is  creating scarcity remember we have six of these   and number four is let him invest in you and so  what do men value men value things that they work   for and they earn and so the more that he invests  in you from a time standpoint energy emotions he's   traveling to see you he's doing a lot he's doing  things for you he's picking things up for you   he's doing all these things the more he's going  to rationalize in his mind either consciously or   subconsciously that he really values you a whole  lot so you want to create a space for him to start   moving towards you to pursue you to chase you to  invest in you to to do a whole bunch of things for   you that way he values you more and more and more  and he rationalizes it and a lot of times women   get stuck on the financial one because finances  are also a thing that will make a man value you   but it's only one thing it's only one thing it's  not always the most important thing so the more   he invests in you the more he'll feel like you're  different important and special so only allow him   access to your life if he invests his time energy  and effort into you stop letting maybe men you   know maybe their way into your life that's what i  want to say stop letting men maybe their way into   your life maybe men maybe in their way into your  life okay hopefully does that make sense if you   get what i'm saying say i get it in the chat if  you don't get what i'm talking about you can ask   me any kinds of questions you want to ask me about  this or your relationship situation or whatever is   going on with you right now just go ahead and tell  me about it so number five number five is creating   shared positive experiences you want him to feel  like he can't wait to see you again uh he wants to   hold you in his arms and cherish every moment that  he gets to spend with you and when he's away from   you he's just thinking about you and how amazing  and awesome you are and he's just sitting there   thinking like oh i can't wait to see her again  right he he feels like he's lucky to be with you   he can't get you out of his mind he looks forward  to seeing you whenever he can and the way that you   do that is by creating positive shared experiences  so avoid getting into fights and arguments and   getting upset all the time this will only sabotage  things and there's kind of a phrase out there that   some people use in both the men and the women's  dating spaces a horrible phrase and it goes like   this it says if you treat him mean you'll keep  him keen it's actually a really catchy phrase   however however that that only works with low  self-esteem men and over time if you treat him   really really badly he'll start to resent it his  friends will tell him about it and his family   will know about it and he'll start hating you and  eventually he'll break up so my suggestion is that   you don't treat him mean and instead you create  positive amazing experiences that way when he   thinks about you he thinks about how amazing you  are instead of treating him really badly and then   he's like you know has a bunch of weird emotions  sometimes negative emotions around you that'll   sabotage things long term for sure and you don't  want to do that so how do you do this how do   you create positive shared emotions emotional  experiences what you do is you get into your   own positive emotions so connect with your own  positive emotions and then when you're around   him you are having a fun time and you suck them  into that world of having a fun time and you both   have a fun time with each other you can bring  out the soft side of yourself because men just   they just eat up that feminine soft side of  women and if you do that if you connect with   the soft side of yourself and you connect with  him through that it can be really really powerful   so uh focus on connection being playful and having  fun when you're with him if you do those things   you'll create lots of positive emotional  experiences with him and it'll be really really   awesome to do that and then number six number six  is the final one and this is probably the most   important thing that you can possibly do and  think about and that is being willing to walk   away and so if you've done all the previous  steps and you have to decide what's more   important to you having the man that in question  or having the relationship that you want and i   talk about this all the time you can either choose  the man we get a lot of women that come to us and   in them i was talking about this last time in the  men's dating industry they have a term for this   it's called one-itis it's when you're stuck on  one person who doesn't like you nearly as much   as you like him or isn't really right for you or  any of that kind of stuff and you're trying to   mold them and fix them into the right person and  make them attracted and do all the right things   it's like one of the worst things that you  could possibly do right which is why they call   it one-itis it's like a disease that people have  you know with one person if you decide that it's   more important to be treated as a priority which  is what i recommend it's more important to have   the relationship that you want and be treated as a  priority you need to be willing to walk away from   any man who doesn't prioritize you if he's not  willing to treat you like a priority walk away   he'll either do what he needs to get you back  or you'll find someone who does treat you   like a priority and i talk about this all the time  what's the difference between a woman who really   believes in her value and a woman who doesn't a  woman who believes that she deserves to be treated   like a million dollars instead of like five bucks  she will not get in to these situations and if   she ends up in one of these situations she gets  out of it immediately and she only goes to places   where she's treated like she's a million  bucks where people see her value where men see   her value and that's what you want to do you  only want to go places where men see your value   all right so let's do a re recap real quickly here  number one is setting a higher standard number two   is setting a priority frame number three is  creating scarcity number four is letting him   invest in you number five is creating shared  positive experiences and then number six   is being willing to walk away if a man doesn't  prioritize you so what questions do you have put   them in the chat we will go through them lots  of people from all over the place mauritius   i was actually supposed to go to mauritius  last year but then everything shut down so   i couldn't go there lots of people from all over  the world lots of people hello hello hello hello   hello hello hello thank you for being here i  so appreciate it thank you all over the world dee says oh my god i literally just sent a message  to my guy saying that i am not an option i am not   chop liver i am filet mignon that's right d  you are flaming yawn no chopped liver here   is that is chopped liver just an option i i  don't know maybe i'm not familiar with that   with that reference kendra says  i've been dating this guy for about   four months now and i have not been sexually  active with him yet and that's because i've   been working on learning him and training him how  to treat me by my actions okay kenja okay kendra   kk says yes sometimes he likes me and chicks so  when he says that i should be like a guy while   wanting to be treated like a lady with uh what the  heck lol respect is key okay okey dokey okey dokey he says i told him i understand he's overwhelmed  and working two jobs seven days a week but i   believe in actions not just him telling me he  loves me but i need him to show me and it's very   important this is a very very important thing here  dee it's that the man's words and his actions are   in alignment they both need to be in alignment  not just words not just actions both of them   both of them either one of them speaks louder  than the other if if they're not in alignment leaf says exactly no more being a convenient  doormat know your value all right maya says should   i be friends with my ex and let things naturally  unfold or should i wait for him to treat me like   a priority well my suggestion is that you don't  even hang out with friends if they're not treating   you like a priority so this doesn't necessarily  maya this doesn't necessarily have to do with   with like a romantic relationship it  could just have to do with friends   you should raise your standards  for everybody who's in your life   and if people aren't treating you like a priority  at least when they're with you and hanging out   with you and all that kind of stuff you shouldn't  be friends with them at all and if you want a   romantic thing going on then there should be  more of a priority there than that right so   being friends with people i don't know how you are  with your friends but with my friends it's like if   i don't see a friend of mine in a year we could  message each other because we're in the same town   or whatever because i travel all the time and i  can be like hey i'm in your town and they're like   oh awesome right we hang out we hug we're like  yeah you know friends right and it's awesome   but i you know it's one of those things where  we're friends and so that's if i'm gone for a   long time and then come back it's totally like oh  we're still friends but if it's a romantic type of   a situation there needs to be more communication  there needs to be more contact there needs to be   more connection there needs to be more making  you a priority i hope that makes sense maya kkk it says so boyfriend attention yep  boyfriend detention that is what you're doing amy says access to you does that include  social media facebook too well it it   i i wouldn't worry so much about that  especially i mean unless it's a problem for you   i wouldn't worry about it if you're if you're  just talking about like being facebook friends   or something like that it doesn't matter none of  that kind of stuff matters and if you are facebook   friends then he gets to see your amazing life  that you're living without him however if you're   talking about like messenger i mean that's it's  like what i'm not sure exactly what you're talking   about here amy you'd have to go more into depth  about what you mean by including social media letting go and being a better me that's  that's the way to do it debbie dodd   that's the way to do it dab it down robin says if a man is mature enough he will  definitely do all these things it's not just   maturity because one of the kind of misconceptions  that we have in the women's dating space and in   the men's dating space as well is that a lot  of women will be like well if he's not mature   then he's not going to treat me well or he's not  going to want a relationship or he's not going to   want all these things that's not necessarily  the case it could be that he's mature and he   just doesn't want those things with you and you're  letting him do those things so we all have needs   right we all have emotional needs that we want to  get taken care of and a lot of times what we'll   do is we'll just find the easiest place to get  those needs taken care of and if it's a low common   denominator where there's somebody who will let  us get our needs taken through that person and   they don't stop it but they're not getting their  needs taken care of a lot of times it doesn't   matter about maturity or any of that kind of  stuff we'll still do that because a lot of times   even if you're just getting low level needs taken  care of or something or it's just superficial   level needs getting taken care of a lot of times  people will use each other to do that and so you   have to decide whether that's something that you  want with this person or not or if you want it to   be a higher level thing and so it could have to  do with maturity but it might not it might not hello hello hello kendra says he texts me  every day at least twice a day at times he will tara says he told me first that woman hurts him  so often that he will offer me his whole love and   being when i show him how i love him and value him  right so you're both at odds here you're both like   okay when you value me that's when i'm gonna do it  and the other person's like well when you value me   that's what i'm gonna do it right and that's  kind of a it's kind of a weird position to be   in if i were you tara what i or tara i'm not sure  where you're from or how your name's pronounced   but if i were you here's what i would do if i  were you i would make an agreement with him and   i'd just sit down and i'd say look i'm willing to  do it i'm willing to value you and love you right   if you value and love me right and you're willing  to value and love me right if i value and love you   right so let's just make an agreement right now  that we're gonna value and love each other right   and then find out what it means from him to be  valued and loved and then communicate to him   what it means to you to be valued and loved and  then say okay let's do it let's do it right now   let's do this this thing where we're valuing and  loving each other instead of getting upset when   we we don't do it because it's a lot of it has  to do with habits when you meet somebody and you   start dating them and you're in a new relationship  it's it's one of those things where you're like   you know you you might not do things the way the  other person wants you to do them so you have to   talk to each other through it you have to be  like oh this is what i like this is what i'm   is attractive to me this is what i'm interested  in because the other person won't know if you   don't communicate and so you ha you're going to  mess up you're going to make mistakes and what's   going to happen is you're going to end up finding  out because it sounds like just to let you know   it sounds like the guy that you're seeing right  now tara is hurt right he has hurt he has pain   in his life and so unless he heals that pain if  he's not coming from a place of being strong and   whole he's he's gonna protect himself ultimately  and end up hurting you and end up doing a bunch of   things where he freaks out and does all that  kind of stuff which isn't necessarily a big   deal if you guys have a an agreement ahead of  time and he's open to the idea of you letting   him know that he's doing the sabotaging and when  you tell him he starts getting his act together   and he's working on healing himself and healing  his past and changing the meaning that he has   about women and relationships and dating and all  that kind of stuff and so that's it's i know that   was probably a lot that i just threw out at you  but it's a big deal there's a there's a lot there   and it can be really really difficult for two  people to hurting and trying to heal people people   that are coming from a place of pain in  their past who haven't healed themselves yet   to come together and create a healthy  relationship it usually doesn't happen just   to let you know usually what ends up happening  is you guys just keep on fighting and you start   misinterpreting things that the other person is  doing and then you butt heads and you're fighting   a whole bunch more and then it just blows up and  and it makes everything worse and then you are   like oh i'm never going to date a guy again and  he's like oh women are horrible i never want to   date another woman again and you guys are just in  this horrible relationship and so really what you   want to do is heal before you get into the  relationship that's the ideal scenario but   we'll see we'll see what happens with you tara  keep us updated and let us know what happens let us know what happens judah says i'm funny well thank you   okay says like justin bieber if i was your  boyfriend yet instead if i was your girlfriend   i have no no idea what you're even talking  about here no idea what you're saying right now your song huh to do okay all right so who has a question  who has a question we can answer here lots of people get it lots of people get it  get it get it get it get it get it get it   get it you gon get it my singing is ridiculous i know shanna says my  man matt my man invests in me a lot picks me   up pays calls and texts me every day how can  i give him space so it won't lose the spark well you can just create boundaries is what you  want to do if you if you want to create space if   you're worried about it if you're genuinely  worried about it you just you just create   boundaries and you say during these times i'm  working and i'll only get back to you during these   times and whatever it's not a problem necessarily  if he's contacting you every day and that's a   part of both of your communication blueprints  where you're both like hey i like it when people   communicate with me every day you just want to  create boundaries and have times where you're   to yourself and if you need time to yourself  you communicate that and you take some times   where and you communicate that he doesn't need to  contact you all the time every day and all that   kind of stuff and you just create a little bit  of space and you create some agreements around it   and you just communicate that everything's okay  if it's not totally always on at every moment karen says i get it by the way i listened to  your ugly man posting and it really was great   i did a video about uh finding yourself an ugly  man i met a guy that i wouldn't normally have   been interested in and he really pursued me and  treated me very well i'm so glad i gave him a shot   yeah it's one of those things and the point of  the the video wasn't to actually date an ugly man   however it was to break up what it is that you're  doing and try something a little bit different try   dating somebody that's a little bit different  because sometimes we have standards and they   don't make any sense and you want to find  out why you have that standard and then   say okay if my standard one of the standards  of being with somebody that's attractive is you   want to be proud of the person that you're  with and so what makes you proud of being   with that person and think about those things  instead of the just initial superficial things april says oh my god matthew i'm so happy  i got you live you are my favorite and   you get the greatest advice well thank you  april i'm glad that you caught me live here   as well thanks for being  here thank you for being here ada says hello matthew coast please tell me this  i'm in relationship yes and i'm doing everything   for him am i long about it i think you're  meant to say wrong i i wouldn't do everything   right this is this is a common mistake that a lot  of women make as they like give a guy everything   they do everything they plan everything they  make everything happen you want to grow together   initially in the relationship ideally the man  is investing in you and proving things to you   if you jump into a relationship and you're doing  everything and you're doing all this stuff for   him you're gonna miss red flags you're gonna miss  the fact that maybe he's not that into you you're   gonna miss the fact that uh you know maybe  he's pulling away or he needs some space or   something else and you're gonna do all these  things for you and he's gonna end up taking you   for granted and it's really noble to do everything  and give everything to a relationship but it's not   attractive at the very very least what you  should be doing is building the relationship   together and if you're not actually in a committed  relationship with him yet ideally what he's doing   is most of the work of planning things of setting  things up of doing all that kind of stuff because   he's going to be investing if you're the one  that's doing all the investing and you're doing   everything in the relationship what's going to  end up happening is you're going to start falling   in love you're going to start valuing him really  highly and thinking he's special and amazing and   awesome and you don't want to let him go and he's  going to be leaning back just like i don't care   right like it's nice that she's meeting my needs  but is this really what it is that i want and so   what you need to do is lean back a little bit and  start evening things out and find out what's going   on does he is he willing to pursue you is does he  really want a relationship with you is he willing   to invest in you if he's not doing those things  you're setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak   in the future and so you need to start pulling  back you need to you need to start pulling back mandy says geez i wish i just wish i could get a  man to date me i keep chasing after these men who   are not suited for me well stop it stop it mandy  stop doing that right now stop chasing men it's   bad bad bad oh mandy oh what world am i  in what world am i in debbie says i had to   step back as he has fallen sick and pushed  me away i've offered to be there for him   when he is ready to open up to me being  there been friends for years for years   dated less than a year my heart aches to know  he is hurting and alone he has chosen to push   me away i'm working on myself praying over him  yeah so heal yourself debbie work on yourself   build up your self-identity connect with yourself  work on your emotions work on your mental health   go through i have some videos here on my  youtube channel that you should check out   or my facebook page that you should check out one  is about feminine energy it's a feminine energy   meditation another one is a meditation about  about how self-love self-love meditation so my   suggestion is you go check out those videos lucy  says how do you deal with a long distance where   by you truly love each other but due to financial  situation you are not able to meet one another but   you keep good communication habit kindly help  well my biggest question and concern for you   here lucy is that is whether you've actually met  him before and it sounds like you haven't ever met   each other before and so what you should be doing  is dating other people until you because here's   the problem with building an entire relationship  online or over the phone or whatever is that   you have no idea who he really is you don't  you have no idea who this man really is until   you spend some real time with him one-on-one  in person and long-distance relationships can   work they can work really really great  i've got some videos on here about them   i've got an entire program about it it's called  long distance allure you can go and check that out   it's at hd commitment connection dot com forward  slash long dash distance dash lore or commitment   connection dot com force forward slash ldr  it can work it can work really well but if   you haven't met this guy it's it's going to  be a problem you need to meet him you need to   meet him and if you're not meeting him you need  to keep your options open because you could be   devastated by who this man actually is in person  if you haven't met him yet there could be all   kinds of things going on there so my suggestion  is that you date other people don't put all   your eggs in this bash basket if you're already  attached to them which it sounds like you might be   you start breaking that attachment and start  opening yourself up to dating other people   until you can actually meet with him and find out  who he is in real life i've seen too many women   who've hurt themselves because they've built up  this long-distance relationship to find out that   some guy has been lying to him the entire time to  find out a guy's actually a scammer and is trying   to get his money their money and she thinks that  he's in the usa or in canada or in the middle east   fighting or something and she finds out that  he's you know in nigeria living in a basement   sitting around holding rubber chicken in  his hand trying to steal money from women   so you don't want to be in that situation  there lucy don't want to be in that situation   rehema says i was in relationship couple months  ago and this guy was drinking a lot and he started   to accuse me with everything i treat him with  respect he couldn't stop drinking so i just walk   away from that relationship well that's the way  to do it that's the way to do it rehema rehema   i hope that's the way you should that's the way we  do it okay susan says met a man on a music dating   site four months ago i'm in a z him in chicago hit  it off same taste after two weeks said i trust you   gave me his phone number to text then chat  also on facebook has asked me a few x to this   okay i thought there was  going to be a question there   kkc says let's settle this argument for once  and for all as a relationship supposed to be 50   50 or 100 100 anyone know well depends  on what you're actually talking about   in terms of a relationship kk ideally in a  committed relationship it should be 100 100.   and there's no point where it should be 50 50 in  my opinion there's no there's no point where a   relationship should be 50 50. it should either be  somewhere where the guy is pursuing you and your   it's in your best interest up into being  in an actual committed relationship   which if you want marriage that means marriage  if you don't want marriage that means him saying   you're it you're all that i  want i don't want anybody else   and let's do this together up into that point  exclusivity is not a committed relationship   it's not a real relationship you're still dating  if it's exclusivity if you're anything before   a committed relationship ideally he's putting in  most of the effort ideally it's like 73 that's the   ideal scenario it can get up to 50 50 sometimes  however you don't want it to be there that often   you don't want to spend all your time in 50 50.  if you have to because that's kind of the best   situation or you're like one of those idealists  where you're like i want a relationship that's   50 50 right that's fine if you want to do that  that's fine however the ideal scenario is a 70 30.   and you shouldn't be doing any it shouldn't  be you doing most of the work that's the ideal   scenario for you for him it's the exact opposite  right because whoever's investing more whoever's   putting in most of the energy and effort has most  of the power and they have most of the control   over what happens in the relationship and so  ideally up into commitment you want him to be   putting in most of it and then once you're in  a committed relationship it should be a hundred   hundred where you're both looking at each other's  needs and taking care of each other's needs   all the time you're always getting your needs  met he's always getting his needs met you're   both responsible for each other's needs  and your own that is the ideal relationship   that you could be in the vicia says how do you get  him to let go his old relationship to focus on you   alone and treating you as the queen that you are  well vivia you don't you don't get him to let go   he has to decide to let go he has to decide that  it's more painful to stay in the old relationship   than it is to move to the new one he's the  only one that can decide that you can coach   him through that if you want to but you have to be  very skilled in influence and persuasion and you   have to one cut off his connection with you that's  ideally what you do that's the first step is that   you go hey you're getting restricted access you're  getting put in time out you do not get access to   me if you're still with this other woman that's  it if you're still hanging out with this other   woman you don't get access to me and access to  me is absolutely amazing and access to her sucks   that's the only way that he's gonna decide to  break things off and move to you it's he's he's   the only one that can decide that you can coach  him through it but it's really really difficult   if you're not skilled in influence and persuasion  and so my suggestion is that you walk away from it   and if let him know that if he decides that he  just wants to be with you that that he needs to   show you that he just wants to be with  you and cut all ties with the other woman cut all ties with that other woman  cut all ties with her cut all ties i have no idea how to pronounce  your name so stop singing i will never i will never stop singing  kit to mitsui i will never stop singing   yasmin says do you think it's possible to  establish new terms with an x yes absolutely   it's possible what you want to do if you're so  if you're going back if you're trying to get back   together with an x what you want to do is you want  to break the entire pattern so there's a pattern   that you guys have been in and that you are in and  you want to break that pattern completely you want   to break because he has he has a perception you  have frames and perceptions and meaning around   the interaction that you guys had and you want to  break that completely and the way that you do that   is by one healing yourself and getting yourself  to a place where you're feeling strong and whole   and powerful you're getting you're in a world  of abundance where you're getting your needs met   you have lots of different options of men that  you can date and then coming back to it and the   the best way to do it the best way to do it and  this is going to sound a little bit manipulative   but i'm going to tell you it anyway because it's  the best way to do it here yasmin is just give him   mixed signals that's the best way  to do it it's to flirt with him   and friend zone him at the same time that's that's  the best that's the best way that you can do this   and then once you do that you start stacking new  frames right you start creating those new frames   you start creating a priority frame you start  creating a value frame around your interactions   and you start setting things up so that he  has to start working for you and earning you   and treating you the way that you want to be  treated in order to get back into the relationship   that you want and you send them  mixed signals and it's kind of like   getting uh a lid off of a jar i know many of  the women here are like oh i just have a man   that's gonna sound so sexist yeah i just have  a man pull the lid off the jar well if you want   to pull a lid off a jar and you're a man or a  woman one of the better ways to do it if it's not   budging is just is to squirt back and forth until  it kind of like pops off and that's kind of what   you're doing when you send mixed signals is that  you're showing them that you like them but you're   also kind of pushing them away and you're kind of  building things up but you're pushing them away   and it drives people crazy right it'll make  somebody completely obsessed with you which is why   i probably shouldn't be talking about this right  now but i'm i'm doing it anyway with you yasmine   and so what you want to do is you want to do that   and set these frames and then allow him to come  into that relationship that new relationship   under the new frames under the new meaning under  treating you and looking at you like a different   woman completely like a new relationship  completely those are the keys the new relationship   and the the a new woman that's  that's the way that you do it chanel says i got you on the stars  my new friend this is awesome sharon says i blocked him on everything he got  back in touch with me said he changed and now   he's not messaging me again okay well he  gets to decide whether that's something   that he wants to do or not and you get to decide  whether you want to have him in your life or not sarah says how to become how do you become a high  priority when they have an extremely demanding job   my man is a fireman and he tries but i don't want  to push too hard or overwhelm what you want to   you want it to make sense so sometimes we'll  have women come in here and they're like   well i want him i want to be number one priority  and i'm like well what is what's going on she's   like talking about his high demanding job and like  all these other things going on in his life and   and she's like but i want to be his  number one priority and you're like whoa   you want what do you want you want him to like  quit his job and you know quit quit the rest of   his life and make you all of his life right like  a lot of times women think that in their heads   they're like this is what i want but if a guy  actually does that kind of stuff most women will   lose respect for that man and start feeling like  they aren't actually attracted to him that much   and then he's in this thing where he just quit  his job and did all these things for and you've   lost respect and attraction and desire to be with  him and so here's the reality of the situation you   have to look at the reality too and it's that  you want to be in his top three priorities for   most men making money is almost always going to be  their top priority because they want to feel like   they're men they want to be able to provide they  want to be able to take care of you they want to   feel strong they want to be passionate about their  life they want to do all those kinds of things and   so you don't want to take his job away from that  and but at the same time you want to be a priority   when you're around him when he's around you and  so he's working you know i don't know what kind   of shifts he's working it's probably 12 somewhere  between 12 and 24 hours maybe even 48 hour shifts   and so during that time you're not going to be  his priority work is going to be his priority   he may be able to message you and do stuff with  you because a lot of times firemen have a lot of   downtime when they're working however you want  to be a priority when he's not working you want   to be a priority when he's with you you want to be  a priority when he has time to make you a priority   and other things need to be priorities when other  things come up that need to be priorities like his   job like making money like making sure that he's  putting food on the table that he can take care of   you and potentially a family with you or whatever  the scenario and situation is that you actually   want to be in so you have to think about it  realistically and make sure that it's making sense   and and don't turn it into something where you're  demanding something that's completely ridiculous   so that's that was a great question  there sarah so thanks for asking that cynthia says my boyfriend came and fast  now wants to slow down a second time   how does he go from i love you to nothing i  haven't heard from him in a week he didn't invest   much i gave everything pretty bad yeah you want  to flip that around cynthia see the problem is is   that you're the one doing all the investing you're  the one proving and so he's hanging out letting   you do it and then he's like oh i need some  space right and at like i said before the very   the at the very least you want it to be  something where you're growing together   and remember a boyfriend scenario boyfriend  scenario situation is not a committed situation   that's not a committed relationship you're  not in a committed relationship until he's   he's like this is it we're doing  this we're together it's you and me   if you want marriage it means getting married  that's what a committed relationship is it's   not boyfriend girlfriend a lot of women  fall into the boyfriend girlfriend trap   and the boyfriend girlfriend trap is like oh  we have labels on things so everything's great   now and what you don't know is that he's off you  know not really committed to the relationship he's   trying to do other things right being committed to  the relationship what it means is that he and you   are in a space where you're saying i am going to  do whatever it takes anything that it takes to   make this work and if you both aren't in that  space you're not in a committed relationship   and things you know things could always change but  that's what a committed relationship means is that   you are both committed to making it work making it  work that was a good good question there cynthia sharon says i know my value he clearly doesn't  well if you know your value then you're not   hanging out with people who don't that's how  you know that you know your value sharing   is that you don't hang out with people who don't  know your value you don't get into relationships   with people who don't know your value if  you do know your value you never do that   if you don't know your value you do do that and  then you talk about knowing your value but you   don't so you really have to know it in your  soul and your body and your emotions in your   entire being you have to know that you're really  worth it and you get out of scenarios where you're   not being valued that's how you know it knowing  believing really believing in your value the way   that you know that you believe in your value as  you walk away from scenarios where people don't   see your value that's how you know if you're not  doing that you don't really believe in your value and you need to change it you  change your belief systems you need to change your belief systems to do amy says so how do you backtrack if you've  already slept together well if you're in a   scenario where you've already hooked up together  it can be very very difficult to pull yourself   out of it because you've already established  something you've already broken a boundary and   you've probably broken it multiple times and so  you have to like i talked about before you have to   you have to break that frame you have to break the  pattern the perception that you're in and create a   new perception and what you do is you talk about  things you start talking about realizations that   you've made so first you want to break the pattern  and you do that in a whole bunch of different ways   depending i don't know what your scenario is amy  if you're just in a hookup scenario or if you're   in some kind of dating scenario or what's going on  your boyfriend girlfriend all that kind of stuff   but what you can do is start changing the  pattern that you're in with him so i look   at patterns everything that i do is about patterns  what patterns are going on here are they in toxic   patterns are they in healthy patterns are they  in a friend with benefits pattern are they in   a relationship pattern right and those patterns  are set around by something that i call frame so   let's not get this too complicated let's just  talk about the patterns so what's the difference   between a friend with benefits pattern and a  relationship pattern a friend with benefits   pattern is a pattern where you guys have either  a spoken or unspoken agreement that you're just   hooking up with each other and that it's not very  meaningful and there's nothing more going on there   and if you haven't talked about it you  can probably just assume that that's the   scenario that you're in and what's a relationship  pattern a relationship pattern is one where   the guy takes you out on dates the guy has you  meet his family the guy you know does all of   these different things he says that he wants a  relationship with you he calls you his girlfriend   he talks about a future with you he talks about  potentially getting married together or whatever   the scenario is that you want and so if you're  in a friend with benefits pattern where you're   just hanging out and hooking up and you want to  be in a relationship pattern you have to start   moving from this place where you're just hanging  out and hooking up to doing things like dates   and meeting friends and doing all that kind of  stuff and you can do it slowly or you can do it   quickly it's up to you it's a decision that you  have to make i can't decide that for you there's   pos pros and cons to doing both of them but what  you want to start doing is hanging out with him   or going on dates with him and not hooking up  what you want to do is start meeting up with his   friends what you want to do is start having  him meet your friends and if he's not doing   those things you want to start limiting access  to you of him i hope that makes sense there amy i hope that makes sense laura says i walked away from a man who didn't  want a relationship with me it was so painful   at first but it gets easier with the help of  your videos thank you matthew you rock well you   rock laura good job it is really difficult  and so that's really cool that you did that   and that it was it's becoming  more and more successful for you han says do you think it's okay to talk and text  your ex-wife when you're in a new relationship   well it depends on what that means i it it depends  on two people because it depends on whether you   can be friends like there's some people out there  and there's a whole bunch of different schools of   thought on this and it's like there's some people  who are friends with their exes and that's okay   with them and that's okay with people that they're  dating and then there's people that are like no   there's too much trouble with that and all that  kind of stuff and it does create complication   when you're still friends with your ex you just  have to remember that these people were married so   they shared a lot of time together and they did a  lot of things together and so there's potentially   that's still going on where maybe they still have  a friendship maybe they have other things and you   have to decide whether you want that to be a part  of the new situation that you end up getting into   or not and it's not whether it's okay for that  to happen or not it's whether it's okay for you   for that to happen or not and you can only tell  with time and watching them interact with each   other and going and hanging out with them when  they're together and just seeing how they interact   and what it's like and whether that's okay for  you or not if it's not it's probably not that   he's gonna stop talking to her it's probably  that you're gonna have to find a new guy that's   probably what the scenario is usually that's  usually what it is that's usually what it is that's usually what it is  deborah says hi matt hi deborah hi matt hi deborah new schratt says if a man is  dominant like to control the situation what can   you do well you can either accept that he's a  dominant man who likes to control the situation   you can try to change him or you can walk away  and find somebody else those are the three options   that you have you either accept them and say you  know what he's a dominant guy he likes to control   scenarios and that's okay with me and i like to  be submissive and i like him to control things and   him lead stuff and doing everything and i'm just  hanging out and being a part of the thing which is   what a lot of men like and a lot of women like  that's that that's a very very common scenario   for both men and women they both most men and most  uh i don't know if most but probably most men and   most women prefer that if they're in their natural  state if you don't like it then you should either   you should probably try to find somebody else to  be with that's your best that's your best scenario   that's your best scenario so lassie says we have been together for just  three weeks and i see he doesn't prioritize me   enough is that normal well it depends on what  you mean by all that so there's i have a lot   of questions what do you mean by prioritize you  enough you know how much is he prioritizing you   right now what is what exactly is it that you want  it's not going to get any better that's that's the   key to think about if you've been dating a guy for  three weeks he's still on his best behavior and so   what's going to happen is things are going to get  worse from here so whatever level you're at right   now just expect it to go down just expect it to  go down and not get any better matu says thanks   for the advice great help for us woman you are  absolutely welcome you are absolutely welcome new strat says what do you think about silent  treatment you mean you using silent treatment   with a man i think that is very painful and if you  want a man to resent you and hate you and want to   break up with you and feel like you're a horrible  person that he absolutely hates but he's attracted   to you so he's trying to get his needs met through  you and so you have this big blow up of a painful   disgusting relationship that ends in heartbreak  and anger then go ahead and use the silent   treatment if you want a great relationship my  suggestion is that you avoid the silent treatment   at all costs there's actually a researcher that  did a bunch of research on this idea they call   it stonewalling it's kind of a similar concept  to the silent treatments when you just don't   respond to somebody you just stop connecting  with them and they say that stonewalling   or the silent treatment is the the  biggest destruction of all relationships   they did a whole bunch of research on this  and they found that there's a whole bunch of   different things that can destroy relationships  it's mostly around creating negative emotions and   the thing that is called the silent treatment was  the number one thing that destroyed relationships   to the point where it wasn't able to recover back  from it and so my suggestion is that you do not   use the silent treatment my suggestion is that you  communicate what's going on and if you need some   time to yourself then communicate that as well but  do not use silent treatment to hurt a man or get   revenge on a man or try to make a man do what  it is that you want so thank you everybody for   being here that's it for this video it was great  having you all we have some amazing some of the   most amazing women in the world as a part of our  community so thank you so much and i think that   you guys are absolutely awesome and amazing and i  will speak with you again soon thank you so much   this is matt cohe signing off and always remember  you are worth it see you next time see you next

Channel: Matthew Coast

Views: 32,586

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: y0I35C-Z_lo

Length: 63min 0sec (3780 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 18 2021