How to Appear Less Narcissistic

welcome to my scientifically informed insider look at mental health topics if you find this video to be interesting or helpful please like it and subscribe to my channel well this is dr. grande today's question is how can an individual appear to be less narcissistic I've actually received this question a number of times and in a few different forms and in some of the instances the individual asking the question indicate that they've been to therapy before or they've looked on YouTube and searched narcissism and they've received this impression that they can't really change their narcissistic characteristics so maybe they could behave in a way to appear less narcissistic so first I would say that I think it's a little bit pessimistic to say that narcissism can never change in some instances it can and in some instances it can't but either way it's a good idea to see a mental health counselor and then let that counsellor work with you and see what can be done there but let's just run under the premise that in a particular instance somebody has narcissistic traits and they're having difficulty changing those so they want to know if there's some sort of behavior they can exhibit just to look less narcissistic so to get started this question I first have to define narcissism and there's really two ways to look at narcissism in terms of types but also two ways in terms of pathology so narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in the DSM it's a cluster B personality disorder and it is really an extreme manifestation of what's referred to as grandiose narcissism now at the sub clinical level so when there's a personality trait or several personality characteristics and they don't lead to or indicate pathology we have here two types of sub clinical narcissism grandiose and vulnerable of course as I mentioned the person a disorder is an extreme version of grandiose and vulnerable narcissism really doesn't have a correlate in the world of mental health diagnosing and psychopathology but it's somewhat related to borderline personality disorder not a perfect fit by any means but that's really the closest to that I could think of in terms of an extreme manifestation of vulnerable narcissism so with grandiose narcissism we see characteristics like a sense of entitlement having fantasies of wealth power the ideal love being arrogant extroverted socially dominant or socially bold and having a superficial charm now with vulnerable narcissism we see characteristics like hypersensitivity anger and aggression insecurity being introverted or low on extraversion being defensive and avoidant so again we can see somewhat of a connection to borderline personality and a little bit of a connection to avoidant personality that hypersensitivity and insecure component and even a little bit to paranoid person is whitter being defensive so interestingly at the subclinical level the research is not clear on whether the vulnerable and grandiose narcissistic traits can be exhibited in the same person like in an alternating fashion at the pathological level we have seen this in the research literature if somebody has grandiose narcissism it is somewhat likely they're also going to display vulnerable narcissism characteristics and the opposite is true but with subclinical again we don't really know sometimes somebody can have both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism at the subclinical level but other times we see primarily just one type of narcissism so for the tips I'm putting here today about how to appear less narcissistic I will be assuming that someone would have both grandiose and vulnerable narcissistic traits now sometimes these two types are called overt and covert so that's just important to keep in mind so before I get into the individual ways to appear less narcissistic let's first consider how somebody appears narcissistic in the first place what types of interactions or situations result in somebody being judged as narcissistic so if we really think about it if somebody is kind of alone in their house or apartment or ever and just minding their own business no one's gonna think that person is narcissistic right because they're not expose other people so narcissism is something that's seen at a relational level when somebody's interacting with other people and specifically because people can't read minds it's really about what somebody does behaviorally so it's what somebody can observe somebody else doing so as we look at these kind of tips in terms of appearing less narcissistic we really are talking about behaviors so some of these items are pretty simple and straightforward and some I'll go into a little bit more detail so to start with keeping in mind again this is about relationships and about behavior I would say that I contact is important so when you walk into a room say it like a work setting and there's people there make eye contact and smile don't hold eye contact too long but do establish it with everybody as you kind of walk into the office if you work in an office environment say but whatever the work environment is or whatever social situation there's still going to be a chance to make eye contact and to smile it's a pretty easy thing to change in some ways but for some people can be difficult again depends on if there's psychopathology going on there but I think that's a good place to start make eye contact and smile another element here would be when someone asks for help there's a few things you could do in that situation I think are good opportunities to appear less narcissistic so the first thing would be to thank them let's say it's an office setting and somebody has a question they're asking a question about Microsoft Word how to format a paragraph or something in Microsoft Word and of course people ask for all kinds of help I'm just using this as an example so before getting into like opening up the software and answering the question I would just say thanks just thank them that's a good step then answer the question directly while acknowledging that you don't know everything so show them how to format that paragraph but don't overextend and say like you're the greatest at Microsoft Word you know everything about it just directly answer the question and try to be helpful try to stay within the parameters that they've set with that question and then maybe a little later on follow up with their concern and that's also a good opportunity to thank them for coming to you and asking that question in the first place so maybe an hour later kind of taking a look in their office and saying everything work out with that formatting just to check in just to show concern the next tip would be to avoid self aggrandizing statements now with narcissism of course we believe with this personality trait especially at the pathological level this kind of comes naturally my people will talk about themselves they'll seem arrogant or condescending talk about how great they are so really I think with this tip before saying anything it's good to just evaluate what's being said and to make sure it meets a few different rules and one of those would be to make sure the statements aren't self aggrandizing one way to kind of help this is to avoid or at least be careful about making statements that involve the word I so if you're going to start a sentence with the word I just think about it is this gonna be a statement that's designed to make me look better or do I need to use I to communicate my thought accurately is there another way I could phrase the sentence to not involve kind of how great I am or how special I am and focus it on something unrelated to that now the next item is to pay people compliments and this is I think a really important part of appearing less narcissistic if you notice for example in a work setting that maybe a particular administrative assistant is extremely well organized that's something that you can say to them you can go up to them and say you know you have good organizational skills and it always impresses me something like that so you're really letting them know that they have a characteristic that you see as favorable and that they should be recognized for it I think it's okay if it's legitimate if it's authentic to even kind of seem amazed by it like you could say you're so organized I just can't believe it it's so helpful something like that it's also important when paying a compliment that if there's a third party available pay that compliment about that first person to that third party right so if we're talking about the administrative assistant and you're at that person's desk a third person walks up you might say that third person how organized that administrative system is again how its impressive or kind of amazes you so paying compliments goes a long way to appearing less narcissistic really compliments are incompatible with narcissism right so when you're paying somebody a compliment it's really kind of hard to look narcissistic at that time one important point while I'm thinking of this is when paying a compliment don't turn it into a way to pay a bigger compliment about yourself so you wouldn't want to go to that administrative assistant say you know you're really well-organized and it's impressive and I am too I've organized even more complex situations than this or under more stress you really want to make the compliment about the other person and never make that pivot back onto yourself again I think with narcissism that's the temptation the temptation is to bring the discussion back to how great you are or that you're special or unique or something like that so again compliment don't bring it back to yourself and just kind of leave that alone and move along so with the next item here it's don't speak badly of others right so if you avoid putting people down that goes a long way to appearing less narcissistic if you point out their strengths again kind of compliment but you can also just point out their strengths to other people when they're not around also I think when you do have to criticize you have to use extreme caution particularly if you have narcissistic traits because the temptation is going to be to take the criticism too far give people the benefit of the doubt assume that they're trying to do something good assume as they're working toward better abilities better skills being friendly whatever you consider positive so again just afford that benefit of doubt when offering any type of criticism and be open to the idea that your criticism may be incorrect I think that's a great way to frame criticism is to say well I'm not so sure that this is a good idea then again I could be wrong I don't know all the facts so it kind of softens that criticism and again just appears less narcissistic the next tip here is to listen and this is really one of the most important I think items to appear less narcissistic a few other things I mentioned are really about making statements and being careful in making statements and deliberate this one's about not responding not reacting verbally just listening to somebody and when listening again demonstrate that you're paying attention appropriate eye contact nodding the head something to appear engaged with narcissism it can be hard sometimes people who are narcissistic really have a struggle with listening they want to kind of respond with their own side with their own opinion something that makes them look good so it's a matter of kind of resisting that temptation and just listening to people hearing what they have to say and not looking to ever really put too much into that conversation I think it's actually good practice just to listen to somebody kind of validate their feelings and acknowledge them and just move on just practice that without ever really interjecting any personal story into that conversation the next item is to react positively to criticism now this is interesting because this really depends on grandiose or vulnerable narcissism being present right so if it's grandiose narcissism people that have this tend not to react to criticism at all they're kind of immune to criticism and people have vulnerable narcissism tend to overreact to criticism so in terms of this tip reacting positively with grandiose narcissism the first step would be to work on recognizing that criticism has occurred with vulnerable narcissism that shouldn't be a problem because again there's usually a strong reaction so here this is about hearing the criticism appreciating that may be false may be true may contain some of both but then thanking somebody for caring enough to criticize and really acknowledging they may have a point and letting them know that you'll work on that you can formulate a more careful response later if you want but again I think this runs the risk of appearing narcissistic these tips are really just aimed at looking less narcissistic now of course sometimes we do need to react to criticism assertively depending on the situation and with that we run the risk of appearing little narcissistic and sometimes that's okay so I'm not saying as a general kind of life tip to always react positively to criticism I'm saying in terms of narcissism that would help somebody to appear less narcissistic now this next item is a little bit more of an advanced skill so this really won't be for everybody especially if there's really strong narcissistic characteristics but this tip is to empathize and I'm going to really make this kind of a simple version of empathy it's really not even rising to the level of empathy but it'll help somebody to appear empathetic and to maybe build that skill so it first starts with listening and I've already covered that and then the next step here would be reflecting now for somebody who is empathetic this kind of comes naturally to somebody who has low empathy it wouldn't even occur to them to reflect so what you want to do here is you want to take out key words or phrases that a person is saying especially ones are related to emotions and just reflect those back so if they say something like today's really been a tough day for me you might say something like I can see this is difficult for you or it seems like you're a little down try to use a synonym and not the same word so reflecting is a little bit more advanced if you're saying the same word that's called parroting and sometimes that can really come off the wrong way so if somebody says yeah I'm kind of sad today and you say okay you're kind of sad today that really doesn't indicate that you were listening really well that's just hearing the word and repeating it back so reflection takes a little bit of work you have to think of a synonym and you also again want to kind of focus it toward emotions you want to emphasize the right component and if you repeat this I would hope that maybe it would lead to again kind of building some empathy skills this next item is kind of similar to the avoiding self aggrandizing statements and this would really just be don't talk about yourself now again this isn't always possible and it's not always a good idea sometimes we do have to talk about ourselves but it's really just being more mindful about how much time you spend talking about yourself and what the area is what you're really talking about for example if you say you know I have some different flaws or I have some certain feelings that's different than saying something like I have a lot of money or I have incredible abilities or my future is gonna be great I'm gonna be successful so it's not just not talking about yourself it's also being careful of the type of area that you're describing right you want to stay away from anything that would really make you look superior or make people believe that you're trying to look superior next item is a little bit more internal and a little less about behavior like I talked about before I'm really emphasizing behavior and this one is to be grateful I think this is actually a good tip to appearing less narcissistic but also just a good tip in general so be grateful to have relationships be grateful to be working be grateful for your health and try to form that gratitude in the statements that you make to people again maybe instead of talking about how much money you're gonna have or how famous you're gonna be talked about how grateful you are when somebody talks about their own gratitude that is something that appears less narcissistic that doesn't appear narcissistic at all so that I think is an important item maybe a little bit more of an advanced skill though as well when you think about a pathological level of narcissism so the last item here I've kind of saved to the end deliberately because I think this is probably one of the even more advanced skills than empathy that I'm mentioning here and this is really kind of being proactive and asking people if they're okay or if they need anything or if you can be of assistance so the reason this is an advanced skill is because you have to really see something in that person a behavior that lets you know that it's okay to ask so you just wouldn't want to walk up to anybody and say are you okay they might think to themselves what signal am i putting off that this person is asking me if I'm okay you have to see something that's coming along like maybe they are carrying a box and they're struggling to push their way through a door or something like one of those doors that has the spring that closes it and you could like reach out and pull the door open or ask them if it's okay it'll not throw them off balance either but just seeing that somebody is right dealing with some physically right so moving something lifting something just you know do you need help with that are you okay with that just trying to be thoughtful now again being thoughtful isn't really a behavior in the sense I was talking about that's why I'm really kind of labeling this an advanced skill or an advanced item but I think this is really helpful if you can master this and many of these other things I talked about here it would be very difficult to appear narcissistic and do all these things consistently they're really quite incompatible but again this one does depend on being able to read people and know when it's socially appropriate to ask them if they're okay or to offer help some of these tips may not be helpful under certain situations which is again why I would stress the value of seeing a professional counsellor they can help work out detailed and therapeutic strategies instead of just basic items and lists like this they can really help you work out techniques and strategies that can help you to appear less narcissistic and maybe move toward actually decreasing trade narcissism again that's difficult but it can happen especially over time and I think that one of the things I like about the behavioral strategies is the more that people engage in these types of strategies the higher the probability will be that they'll actually start to change now some could argue that in order to use these strategies you've already started a change so that would be a good sign but also some might argue that no one who's narcissistic would have a desire to use these strategies so if you look at a video like this and you look at these items and you say well I think I can do a few of those items that's generally a good sign I think for moving from a narcissistic position to a less narcissistic position in terms of personality so again it just might be a good indicator but it is important to talk to a professional counsellor about this type of situation now I know whenever I talk about narcissism and recovery from narcissism and kind of all the things that come with that they're going to be different opinions people that agree and disagree with certain things I've said like in this video if you have any areas where you agree or disagree please put those in the comments or any opinions you have please put those in the comments this often generates a very interesting dialogue as always I hope you found this description of ways to appear less narcissistic to be interesting thanks for watching

Channel: Dr. Todd Grande

Views: 37,306

Keywords: narcissistic, Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, grandiosity, fantasy, special or unique, excessive admiration, sense of entitlement, manipulation, lack of empathy, envy, arrogance, pathological narcissism, grandiose narcissism, vulnerable narcissism, dark triad, psychopathy, Machiavellianism, resentful, hypersensitive, defensive, avoidant, borderline

Id: SMnJex99IV8

Length: 20min 10sec (1210 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 16 2019