- What I'm gonna cover here comes from over 15 years of me
working on my social skills. This isn't from some books. To be honest I haven't
found any good books when it comes to social
skills, it's terrible. It's a lot of speculation,
a lot of academic thinking. A lot of what sounds good in your mind but it doesn't come from
real life experience. I'm someone who from 2006 on, went out in the real world,
not in books, real world and started interacting with people. I've talked to more people than the average person normally
would in their entire life. I've talked to more people than probably all of you combined. - Whoa.
- No joke. And this here is part one
of getting good socially. It will come down to a lot of inner work but there is an external side where hey, you've gotta work on yourself, that's the authenticity part but then you have to also work on the connecting to others part. You want to connect to others, you better know how to read others. How to read them emotionally, how to put yourself in their shoes. It's called empathy, advanced empathy and how to know exactly
what would make sense, what wouldn't make sense. What would connect, what wouldn't? And calibrate to them. The only way you're going
to develop this feel is by talking to a lot of people and knowing exactly what to look for and recognizing the different patterns between all of those people. So keep that in mind. You want to get good talking to people, talk to a lot of people. Take charge of your social life and talk to more people
than you naturally should. Say you were to talk to 30 people a day, time passes, guess what? That's a lot of experience
under your belt. But, as I mentioned, that will be on the connecting side. On the expression, authenticity side, that is work that you will
have to do on the inside. Because it's the foundation. Meaning if you go out and you're anxious and you're scared and you start pretending to be someone that you're not, you start putting on this front, you start trying to act
confident or act fake, well then guess what? Will those references help, no. Because they will all be
coming from the front. Not you. Even in terms of seeing what clicks or not you're not gonna know authentically if you click and with who. Even in terms of getting good references, it's not you who's getting
validated but the front. So it'll actually hurt your self esteem and hurt your confidence. It's gonna keep saying, "I am only liked when I'm
pretending to be this." Versus, "I am liked for me." So you'll have to learn how
to crack open that front, tap into the real you. You've been disconnected
from a very long time. This is also why advice like
be yourself is very accurate but most people don't
know how to be themselves. Who you think yourself
is isn't really you. It's the front that you've put on and been the majority of your life. So letting go internally,
unleashing authenticity and then from there, getting a
lot of reference experiences. At a most basic level, you can break down social skills as, okay? Social skills, you have on one side, 80% of what I call emotional skills. And on the other side, it's 20% of what I call analytical skills. Emotional skills, analytical skills. Emotional is everything that
has to do with the vibe. Okay? For example, if you're someone who is very anxious, that's an emotional skill. If you're someone who
gets stuck in your head, that's an emotional skill. If you run out of things to
say, that's an emotional skill. If you can't have fun,
that's an emotional skill. If you can't express your true self, that's an emotional skill. Analytical skill, as we talked about, this is the foundation. This you will develop through
reference experiences. The right reference experiences. This will come down to, you could say polishing that natural vibe. If you've ever heard the
term social natural before, it's a thing. Someone who's gone through
a certain conditioning, a certain life and they just feel very
comfortable socially. You might have some friends like that. No matter where you go, they
can easily talk to people. Everyone just likes them,
likes talking to them. They gravitate towards them. You know if that person comes
out to a dinner or something they're gonna make it fun. All right, a social natural. That's the emotional skills. Emotional skills alone
will get you to that point of being, ah a social natural. You can kind of just be loose, be yourself but then you do need, as we talked about, the analytical to make sure
it connects with others and to even polish that expression of you. And this here, you could
simplify it as content. Vibe, content. Big mistake people do is they try to work on the
vibe and the emotional skills using their analytical mind. No, that looks like, "Okay I run out of things to say. "What are some, if I
analyze this and think, "some ways I can not run
out of things to say? "What are maybe some
stories I can memorize "or some things I could fall back on?" Et cetera, et cetera. Terrible, that doesn't solve anything. What solves the emotional skills? One thing and one thing
alone, it's two words. - [Audience Member] Letting go. - Yes. Letting go. Letting go is what gets you
to become a social natural. All of you were born as
social naturals, all of you. All of you were way
less stifled as children versus you here today. All of you were. This isn't something
that's missing within you, it's something that you've buried inside. As you started growing up, you started getting a bit more worried. "What do people think of me? "Oh is that how I sound?" No baby is, "Wah, is that how I sound?" No kid's thinking that. That comes later on. You started judging
yourself, trauma happened and ultimately you started disowning and hiding your true self and putting on this front that
you've now basically become. Who am I? The front. And you've lost touch with authenticity. Letting go gets you
back in touch with that. Letting go, guess what? Allows you to no longer get triggered. Social anxiety, that's
you getting triggered. Until you identify why you get triggered, where that comes from,
the original trauma, nothing's gonna change. You could try to progressively
desensitize yourself which is sadly what most people do and that'll give you some results but it's not all the way. And it's not permanent. As soon as you stop doing
your little challenges, you fall back. Letting go, that's the foundation and it'll get you 80% of the way. It's actually the highest
ROI thing you could do with talking to a lot of people. Is actually letting go. And sometimes it baffles
me when people are like, "Oh I like this letting go stuff Julien "but what about the social skills?" That is social skills. If you can't see letting
go gets you 80% of the way, then you're too far gone
and your IQ is far too low. Okay? And this is also very important when I say the biggest
ROI thing you can do. Vibe is more important than content. You can also analyze in terms of socially, if you're someone who's
just very, very analytical, hey you need to do a lot of letting go and work on the emotional skills. You need to learn especially socially, to get out of your head. To unlock what I call
your full instrument. Meaning not just speaking like this with the mouth and the
lips but with the body. Notice that, with the body. That there, old me, right? Back in 2006, all shy, stifled. I couldn't do that. No technique, no line is
gonna get me to do that. You can't force that. Forcing that would look like, "With the body." That's forcing it. Very different no? You can sense there's
not that same depth to it and it's a lot more at you. With the body. Hey everyone, you like how loud I am? Does it make sense? Like you like it with the body. (audience laughs) With the body. One, the voice is going, grounded. The voice goes down. With the body, with the body. My voice is actually shooting down here. Loud, shooting down. Yet it projects a lot more. Reels people in more. This isn't something
that happens by force, it comes from letting go. Okay? You could think of it too. As taking a shit. People are constipated as fuck
and they're trying to shit. Socially, they're like really stifled. That's their instrument. It's super constipated and
they're like come on, come on. Express yourself and
you'll hear their voice. Literally it's like a
little string of shit going, "Hey. "My name's Jeremiah. "Come on shit, get out of my mouth." And then they might try to be loud. Like, "Hey, hey, hey there." Trying to shoot the shit out. And they're like maybe
more, just forcing it. Terrible, people sense that, it's weird. It's too much, it's offputting. And you can just sense
that person's constipated. On the flip side you also see
people who are constipated who just suck it up. It's like I'm just tOo shy
to even try to express it. So you'll either have the
person super constipated, not talking. Or constipated and trying to
force a little string out. Letting go dilutes the anus. (audience member laughs) So that it just. Naturally, effortlessly,
just all comes out. And that's when you tap
into your true power. That is the best way to illustrate this. Are you trying to force out your vibe? Or are you diluting and
just letting it out. Just (imitates explosion). That's power. That's also getting out of your head 'cause then you're not
wasting all that energy trying to force something out. Then you can allocate that
energy to pattern recognition. Putting yourself in the
other person's shoes. To forward willpower. This is important. If you're really shy
and anxious and stifled, you're trying to hide all that, you're trying to micromanage
how people think, there's all that worry. You're burning a ton of
energy and willpower. Energy and willpower that is necessary if you want to truly express yourself and make sure it connects with someone. Guess what? Right now, this event, am I using a lot of energy and
willpower speaking right now? Yes or no? - No.
- No. - Yes. Kidding me, yes. (audience laughs) To craft a speech like this requires a lot of concentration and
willpower, it has to make sense. Like as I'm talking now I'm
already just playing chess, thinking three, four moves ahead of how this is gonna
link to what I say then. I'm also thinking, "Okay for them to understand this concept, "I need to say this first. "I need to say it in this order. "I'm gonna use this story,
I'm gonna use this joke." It's a ton, it's very mentally intense. What allows me to do this, while also remaining
flowy and fun and at ease is by having access to all of
my energy, focus and willpower and I can't be burning it backwards. Fighting against myself,
stuffing stuff down. That's why people mess up. If all your energy is like, "Oh be cool, oh don't show the anxiety." You have 10% left on what you're saying and forward-focused. Good luck with that. 10% left in terms of even
analyzing your references. Most people don't even
remember their references, how are you gonna grow from that? So letting go is also
what gets you out of that. Reclaiming all that power which really accelerates your growth and then in terms of what reels people in on a charismatic level. We always get so obsessed
with the content right? Like what are some cool stories to say that's gonna reel someone in? Oh give me the little
cool stories, the words. It's like, it's the vibe. It's literally the vibe. Vibe is 80%. Of course you can refine and
what I call polish the wording but what comes first,
what draws someone in is the energy that they put out. You lost, is that your spot? Yes, okay. Favorite example is this. Okay. - [Audience Member] What's up? - Shh or I'm gonna have to kick you out. Okay. Yes, again this is social awareness too. Too in your head, you can't even notice
you're disrupting an event. Be aware, number one lesson for you. Wake up, be aware okay? Now the big test, that I always like bringing
this back to is this. Say you take two people and there's two scripts for a commercial selling you on this pen. Person number one, they
did a ton of test studies on the different words that
resonate with the audience. "Oh if you say the word moist
when talking about this pen, "it'll really resonate." So it's all studied and
it's this carefully crafted, marketing experts came in. Like the script is perfect. The content is perfect. But let's just say that
person's vibe is at a 50%. Take someone else, their script, let's just say there is no study, it's 50% as good as the other one. A worse script but vibe is 100%. Who's gonna be more
appealing and captivating? - Second one.
- Vibe. - The vibe. Vibe comes first. Master that, 80% of the way there. Then of course add on the content and this is how you see
people got it the wrong way. They're working all these words but it just comes off weird, hollow. Even the words itself, what you're saying. What is it supposed to highlight? The vibe. And this is the other big shift is that most people try
to go out and socialize and put this front and
hide behind this front to distract people from who they are. Hey if I learn these tips and tricks, people won't see that
I have nothing to say. If I learn these stories, people will think I'm interesting. If I hide my anxiety, people
will think I'm confident. So everything that you're saying or doing is designed to distract people. We call this being a social
scammer, sadly most people. A social master, yes there are still some
tips and tricks involved in the 20% but they're not
meant to distract people from who you are. They're meant to highlight who you are. Saying something, even the story is meant to highlight
how awesome your vibe is. Makes sense? Are you, and this is an
audit for all of you. Whenever you're talking to someone, are you trying to bring their
awareness to who you are or hide and bring it to
something that you're not? And at the most basic level
this starts by going first and just being real off the bat. If you're going out and you're like, "Okay I need to have more fun." And you even try to jump
up to have some more fun, it's better than nothing
but you're still scamming. Why are you not having fun by default? Why do you need to do that to have fun? Okay, I need to build my momentum. No, you don't need momentum. Is there such a thing
as momentum, of course. But it should play a small role. Meaning I do still get
affected by momentum but my starting point is really damn high and the momentum just takes me
those extra couple percents. For most people they have
nothing, they're all momentum. Not good. That's still scamming. That's the whole, "I'm not in state, now what?" Why are you not in state? Let go and you don't need to make momentum your go to foundation. If you noticed, guess what? I could be quietly standing
at the back I walk up, "Hey, how's it going?" I don't need momentum. I don't need to warm up. I don't need to do my two, three minutes. I'm gonna talk a little
bit for two, three minutes and warm up. No, 'cause I've done the inner work. There's nothing blocking it. There's nothing I need to fight against. And then here's the other trap, if you're relying on momentum, even if you're relying
on different stories or things that you say. That's becomes your source of confidence. It's not coming from you. It's hurting core confidence. There was a comment recently
on a video that I put out. Someone's like, "Oh I
love that bit of advice." It was just an advice when it
comes to conversation skills. It's like oh I like that bit of advice. I feel if you give a lot more
bits of advice like that, it's gonna help people with anxiety 'cause then they have all
these little bits of tips and tricks they can rely on. And I'm like, "Well okay that's great. "They have their spot yes. "But you don't want that
to be your foundation." Because what is it gonna say? That you are nothing without
all the tips and tricks. That's your source of confidence, that's your source of power. Not who you are. You'll always feel not
confident without it. Your self esteem will never move up because the good response,
the good reference, the good reaction, it's
not because of who I am. It's because of the little story. It's because of the tip
and trick I saw on YouTube. It actually hurts you. You want your source
of power and confidence to just come from who you are. Hey you know what? I can be interesting with a great script, I can be interesting with a boring script. Bring it. And if you're someone who relies
way too much on the content give yourself a challenge. Go out and try to talk about
the most boring things, yet make them interesting
and you will be amazed. Even on a deeper level, what defines something
that is interesting? If you find it interesting. If you're interested in it, that vibe, that passion will
transfer onto the person and they'll be interested in it too. All right, I actually have
a friend, acquaintance who lives in San Francisco, like friend. More of an acquaintance. I'll see him every now and then, he lives in San Francisco,
he's a great guy though. And he works in the bar
scene, restaurant scene and he's the type of
guy where if you go out and you eat something or he
orders a drink or something he'll describe kind of like how, if you go to a Michelin Star dinner, in great detail all the
subtleties that went into it. So say we're at a restaurant, he's like, "Oh did you know that dish, "they got this from that thing and this?" And the way he talks, content-wise, I mean even if you actually
go to a Michelin restaurant, they give you the description, you don't even understand
half of what they're saying. You're just like ooh. Like the vibe affects you. Content-wise, I don't really
care what he's saying. About this, and then the
fish they got it there. Okay cool story but it actually makes the
meal way more enjoyable and I get sucked into what he's saying. "Oh did you know that this
drink was infused with?" Dadada, it's like, I don't give a fuck but because you're into it, I actually kind of do and I like it. So keep talking about it. Same here. Whatever you're into, actually at a most basic
level, I would focus on that. Instead of looking for
little cool stories, say hey, what are some
real stories from my life that light me up? What are some topics that I
could just talk about forever? And try going out and talking about that, see what happens. Try prioritizing the vibe. Anything you say, it's because it highlights
and amplifies the vibe. And you'll be surprised. There was even someone,
this is many years ago. I still have the video somewhere he was, it might be in Transformation Mastery too. He's, it was in Eastern Europe. It was this older guy, very stifled. Very sad, Eastern Europe and you know, he's like oh hey I got, just all down. And I'm like, "When's the
last time you smiled?" He's like, "What's that?" And I'm like "Okay. "When was the last time you were excited?" He's like, "I don't know." So I'm like, give me one thing
you find really interesting, really exciting. And he's like, "Game of Thrones." This was before the finale. (audience laughs) And he was like, really into it. I'm like, "Okay tell me why
you like, tell the crowd. "You know what? "Tell the whole crowd why
you like 'Game of Thrones'." And he starts talking, it's like, "'The Game of Thrones'," and at first it's just kind of meek. But suddenly, and you see it in the video, the guy starts getting
carried away and he's like, "You know and the writer,
they thought about." And he starts getting louder
and louder and everyone's like, "What the fuck?" And he's like, "They thought about this
and there's this character, "this character named Hodor." Everyone's like Hodor? He's like, "Yes and they thought about it "for all these years that
hold the door is Hodor." Hodor and starts going
nuts and everyone's like, "Who is this?" Because he picked a topic
that just lit him up. If he does that while out, that is much more
charismatic and appealing than him thinking, "What would be something "that someone else would
like to hear about?" Maybe I'll interest them
with a little bit of content. No you interest them by
being interested in it. You interest them with your vibe.
