How grief feels | Robbie Stamp | TEDxLondon

grief it's like being thrown into a storm Riven ocean powerful waves lift you and throw you and crash and roll across your head it's next to impossible to catch your breath the sky is dark no land in sight sometimes you sink below the waves and wonder if indeed that would be a way of relief from this pain the kind of overwhelming embodied pain that makes your throat hurt makes the tears impossible to hold back and brings physical and mental exhaustion in its wake but one day the waves will for the briefest of moments lift you onto a rock and there will be respite for a moment you will think of something else it might only last seconds and then the waves will come and hurl you back into the water but little by little the time spent on the rocks grows and one day there will be wooden bridges between the rocks and you will be able to walk safely from one island to another and there will be shade and grass and clear pure water running over smooth stones and the flit of the kingfishers blue in the corner of your eye there can be confidence in the future again but equally out of a clear blue sky the strong will gather with savage speed and you will be back in the water again struggling to breathe an anniversary shopping and seeing a loved one's favorite food the one that always went into the basket as a treat the smell of clothes the fading scent of clothes a photo at the bottom of a drawer a discovery that you cannot share the birth of a grandchild they will never see this is not the linear grief of moving on it isn't really about phases its how sixteen years can feel like a full 16 years and yesterday at the same time but it is also about their how they can be books and friends and box sets laughter and chocolate and wine and good food fruitcake coffee and walnut cake I'm very specific about my cakes it is paradoxically the sustaining confidence that comes in knowing that confidence Edd's and flows and that is simply in the nature of things that's okay but there's something else in this world reward of loss I think and that is recognizing that the pain of loss itself can be connection pain itself becomes a brutal kind of soulless desire to be back in the roiling ocean because that is where the connection feels strongest there is the rest bite not somehow an acknowledgment of drawing absence and absence is hard but there's also connection in peace and calm and joy and pleasure and in the small things you once shared peace and calm and joy and pleasure and one day the simple confidence to face the day are what our loved ones who have died would wish for us in our love for us they would not wish a world drained of color they would not wish for an endless dark sea of sharp rocks they would if they could build those bridges to in the sea of our loss and they would wish us those moments of rest spite and ease and sunshine on our face and wind on our cheeks and grass under our bare feet with all their heart whatever the role of those of us when it is our turn to support through the pain of the death how can we have the confidence to be present in this face of the grief of others I offer a few simple things I think it comes down above all to taking the cue from the person themselves their starting point is your starting point I know that sometimes people find it hard to know what to say just ask how's things today if someone wants to talk they will if they don't they won't if they'd rather talk about the weather the situation in Syria somebody's new kitchen or the whys and wherefores of England's failures to progress out of the knockout stages yet another World Cup and yet another port then just make that space but listen for the inflection point that might come when they would like to talk now about the thing that looms so large in their lives if they want to tell and retell the story of that hospital visit the things they got to say at the end the things they didn't their sadness of not being there at the end the sense of deep and comforting completion that they were of a peaceful death that is not out of time or season of a death that most certainly was of a life whose final moments were brutal of things that are now terribly strange and strangely terrible and a pain then make that space to leave space for fury and regret the humor and fear for silence and relief for thankfulness and celebration but force none of these things it is their day and their rights to swing wildly between all these things in a single conversation in our compassion we want those we care for to be happy to be happy again but the endless pursuit of happiness runs the risk of being endlessly disappointed to simply be patient be kind be present if it was the death of an elderly parent do not let your first question be how old were they if the death was a shocking a casual goodbye with a mouthful of toast in the morning to a loved one who never came home if it is the searing anguish of burying a child listen listen to the stories however many times they need to be told I'd like to finish with a thought about a ubiquitous phrase being dignified in grief if somebody finds that being dignified in grief is how they cope then the last thing either I or anybody should wish them is anything but their dignity but if your friend wants to be undignified in grief if you want to be undignified in grief then be undignified and how thank you very much you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 55,468

Rating: 4.9474978 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United Kingdom, Life, Death, Emotions, Empathy, Family, Friendship, Relationships

Id: 6GfthkyzW5s

Length: 6min 55sec (415 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 27 2017