HIGNFY S41E09 Jo Brand, Joanna Scanlan & Reginald D Hunter

yeah uh ian and joanna um though we we play hard over here and uh the way we gonna beat you tonight it's gonna seem like we hate you we don't [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] good evening uh welcome to have i got news for you i'm jay brand in the news this week in the gardens at balmoral there are suspicions that the sculptor may just have run off with the cash as the queen unveils a statue of her favorite corgi [Laughter] olympic news and in east london cycling officials test out the new system to discourage full starts and on falklands tv the breakfast show with mike and denise gets off to an uncertain start when denise turns up late [Laughter] on ian's team tonight is one of my fellow writer performers on the bbc sitcom getting on in which she plays a senior figure to me not tonight love please welcome joanna scanlon and with paul tonight is a comedian who says some evenings he'll eat pasta ribs beef donuts and chocolate cake yes i agree it's nice to snack while you're waiting for the pizza please welcome reginald d hunter [Applause] and we start with the bigger stories of the week uh ian and joe take a look at this oh yes cameron trust me i'm a spin doctor yes ministering angel mr cameron i'm about to be fired pretty though that's someone trying to see their gp yeah oh dear yes which lock is it at the top of the oh yeah oh yeah this is a special reduction on sentences you get half in pantomime in panto yes well it's been a bad week all round for the government yeah and they're now ahead of labour on the polls can you imagine if they were doing badly exactly there's a lot of dithering been happening uh all week whether it's health whether it's crime whether it's the the judges in the judicial system they don't know whether to you know either lobotons or the jimmy choos they're they're becoming very um i don't know female in the sense that they changing their minds quite a bit oh that's quite sexist [Applause] something different in a minute i did read something this week saying that yes that it was all to be blamed on tony blair's uh autobiography which they had read and realized that they should have got in early that tony hadn't felt retrospectively hadn't gone in early enough absolutely changed policies no that's right they felt they should emulate blair except do it quicker yeah so don't wait couple of years for a useless war go straight in early reform the system try it give up and do a u-turn and then say sorry and the process upset the archbishop of canterbury yes no he's come out on the side of the poor that'll get him in trouble what does he think he's there for stick to talking about gays and women stop interfering in politics i don't know who this is an impression of at the moment it's not alan bennett [Music] uh regarding the nhs health reforms uh david cameron said he was going to pause engage reflect and listen i do the same things when i'm on the toilet well you might be able to help me out with this question then anything for you joe oh i'm so glad we're back on that footing already reg um having paused engaged would you like the rest of us to leave yeah me and rex me and reg would like the rest of you to watch [Music] [Laughter] i can't get out of my head anyway having paws engage reflected and listened for two months now what's he gone and done he's decided to rewrite the whole reform package so he's changed quite a lot of it and the man who wrote it poor old lansley has been hung out to dry well what he says he's unveiled five pledges concerning the nhs does anyone know what they are pledge one it will still be called the nhs um no his first pledge about the nhs was we will make sure it remains a national health service which is obviously reassuring uh the others are a bit dull so i won't bother to read them um quite encouraging if you use the service well maybe it's just that dull people like them yeah i'm not being horrible terms i love dullness you should meet my husband prepare to hear me and seems like the great bambino whoever that is great what were the white tights and the silvery waistcoat i have no idea i just made him up so am i i'm making him up as well i mean i'm adding flesh to the figure yes now he told nhs workers i thought he was a fictional character now he's advising the government of the nhs politics moves quickly in this country doesn't it he'll be prime minister next year actually all right it was cameron told nhs workers at university college hospital in london that he learned a lot during the pause what has he learned he's learned that it's going to be okay privatizing nhs because he did a bang-up job with the trains he wants to keep his targets isn't that one of his other things that that people actually like the fact that it's only 18 weeks waiting before you die if you're pregnant before you sleep 18 weeks what did andrew lansley who's the minister responsible for the original proposals say this week is he pausing and looking and learning and reflecting and no he's actually redesigning clinical pathways which will be in a constantly tight running cost envelope sounds great well i just wonder if anyone's got any advice mr lansi as he attempts to put a pathway into an envelope now joe you're obviously quite familiar with the workings of the nhs having co-written and starred in having pretended to be a nurse but you get pictures yes yes because i'm fat yes it's as simple as that now i just have to give it a quick mention again in getting on yes uh uh setting a uh a medical award for the elderly allowed to do product placement it's not a product ian it's a work of art [Applause] oh no sorry that was me [Applause] before we leave the nhs behind can we please have a look at a man who uh negotiating some steps outside the savoy hotel in london was lucky not to end up in a e well here we go i think he's gonna hit that thing at the bottom he's gonna hit that yellow thing go on and you're saying this is boris johnson gonna hit the yellow thing hit the yellow thing [Applause] [Music] now don't don't worry he was fine um shall we shall we join him as he continues his journey home and just to put your minds at rest as i know some of you will be worrying yes he does fall over again you know what i don't [Applause] he seems to be being chased by the sun newspaper i said lodi's iq to such an extent have you gotten out of war how does that let the sun get a copyright on cctv footage i expect it has a relationship with the police or satan the one for the lawyer will take that up back to politics and where else has the government made a u-turn this week uh sentencing indeed oh yes please enlarge um there we go honestly controversial changes to sentencing laws including halving sentences in return for a guilty plea yes are to be shelved after a meeting between david cameron and justice secretary kenneth clark the suspicion is that it's because it's it costs a lot of money to keep people in prison and so um people thought well why should we just go and have justice on the cheap so cameron's changed his mind people didn't like it and ed miliband said in the comments he said you've changed your mind and quite right because i i didn't agree either which is an amazing debating point well he did accuse david cameron of overseeing a total mess and to be honest he's not wrong jedwood's dad the one in there that i'm a bit confused about is the is the one where they're hammering down the in the dawn raid yeah that's a rather silly story yeah the police went round to smash into someone's flat in london and boris decided he'd go as well dci johnson yeah he's got his own series do you want a job of maverick cop with a slightly dodgy private life recycles that's the cycle that's brilliant i better do some house to house investigations i i might be some time at number 43 reg would you like to see boris doing a drug raid with the police yes ma'am here we go [Music] he went in and there was a bloke in there who was being arrested and he saw boris and he said what the f are you doing here what the [ __ ] are you doing i think that's what he's saying i don't want to come across all wayne rooney get yourself down harley street then mate [Applause] and what can our police officers do to make their day-to-day lives more entertaining both for them and us do you think comedy sirens like well there was that camp one that was introduced about 25 years ago that which they had to drop after walks it was just a confused woman um trying to buy some kitkat keep saying crazy stuff she's going to take points yeah yeah well one of the perhaps that the police could do is they could maybe be a little bit more like this police and we're just about to see directing traffic in the philippines so freddie mercury ain't dead and finally in foreign vegetable news yes what has spanish euro mp francisco sosu wagner had to say about cucumbers well they're safe aren't they suing germany because the german health authority keeps getting the wrong vegetable he's very angry isn't he he's livid he's furious one minute spanish cucumbers the next is german bean sprouts he he was in the european parliament holding up a cucumber beside his head sort of waving it like a phallic weapon and as if by magic here he is from this day forward this will never go in a salad the only thing i i think that's unpleasant about cucumbers is they always used to use them in like sex lessons to put a condom on didn't they yeah don't anyone else do that ruins the taste so this is the nhs reforms there have also been reforms in britain's policing the new national crime agency is going to replace the much maligned serious organized crime agency which was at least an improvement on the frivolous organization the serious organized crime agency has listed various achievements in its defense saying the international cocaine market is in retreat though that's largely down to charlie sheen switching to heroin fallen reg here's yours right right this is uh this oh yes uh obviously this is wayne rooney and he's had to hear that's about him before that's how that's how he used to be and um that's i don't know where that is oh yeah that's the cheaper alternative when he was in sly in the family stone so it's about his hair transplant isn't it it's it may be a hair transplant it looks a bit like crop circles perhaps he's planting crops perhaps he's growing a full head of wheat you're looking at me as a mad wretch he's going he's going wheat on his head so he can feed his children i'm looking at you like we ain't gonna win okay i'll advise my answer this is wayne rooney who this week has had a hair transplant thank you and you know how the operation actually works yeah they find the hairs on his arse and pull them all the way through i knew [Applause] well apparently what they do is they dig out the hair follicles in a place on his body where the hair hair's still growing yeah exactly and stick them on his head exactly sure disappoint you just got a point for that all right here reg here's another question for you get this right you might get another point how much did the operation apparently cost in the future when you ask questions can you leave out the sarcasm [Applause] we're trying to win here you could do something about your tone too a teacher's salary thirty thousand thirty grand um how did the news leak out that wayne had had a weave he tweeted on twitter he showed his bots his sexual his ass bonds to the world his dumb head was displayed indeed he took a picture of the top of his head and put it on twitter there we are there he's old bottom nut not bad but he was actually trying to take a picture of a dog having a [ __ ] what in his car uh and what did his message that accompanied the picture say my hair feel great but my ass hurt a little bit yeah i wish it had it said hi all there's my head and would you like to see what wayne's head has looked like over the years uh i think he'll balance probably yes go in that name yeah yeah you don't need no hair there yeah oh he needs hat yeah yeah boy all right he coming back but he needs some help that's an aerial shot right yeah and how would you describe wayne's old hairstyle defunct jock well technically it's known as a widow's peak which usually for wayne is around 75. i do actually encourage wayne to start using twitter ryan giggs [Applause] you got to give us two for that one baby give me two they don't even matter if it ain't true liam ferdinand it was rio ferdinand who actually recently came top of a survey to find the footballer with the poorest vocabulary on twitter what are the major commercial ramifications of wayne's big decision he's endorsed the person who does it no his avatar on the brand new fifa 12 football game will need to be altered as it features his old widow's peak i think actually if you look closer in the background of that picture you can just make out ryan giggs shagging his sister-in-law wayne rooney is 25 but why doesn't eminent baldy specialist dr bethan farge recommend young people to have it done well apparently it's because the younger you are the higher your expectations so basically older people only ever expect to look terrible same with sporting images and their changes what has been especially updated this week oh the olympic torch yes they've made a new design that's um useful for the kitchen as well it's an olympic torch and a cheese grater blimey it is a cheese grater it's one of those pentathlete things when you have to ride a pony across the desert shoot an arrow into a target and then grate some cheese yeah this is apparently so that people can young people who haven't got very much muscle strength can hold it when they're running why haven't young people got muscle strength because the tories got rid of all the playing fields so there's no support [Applause] now evan davis of the today program held a typically high brow discussion about olympic torch design this week did you hear it paul no i didn't know but i'd be fascinated to hear the details okay well in that case here he is talking to mary beard professor of classics at the university of cambridge i mean i'm looking now at some pictures of some old torches and uh mary beard some of them have a kind of neo classic look about them and some of them are much more contemporary there's one that looks a bit like a poo actually there there's just like the work of barn's new enemy gold lager now leaving sport and going back to hair seamless link um which great big hairy thing gave up the ghost this week shrek shrek the sheep well done in new zealand that's right who's been living on a ledge very high up escaping the shearer for decades he ran away in 1998 wow and didn't come back for seven years by which time he looked like this i think that shot would be funny if you reversed the image i think if you started out then went in that would be fun yeah yeah this just in you know first at first when you said let's play it backwards you got to be more funny yeah i ain't believe man how was he described shrek by the people that knew him best who's a sheep well the landowner where he lives said yeah he didn't really see himself as a sheep and also it's the death of an iconic kiwi who just happened to be a sheep you know like you know he looked around and like the shepherd was like i ain't even gotta watch these cats too much cause they dumb and i just lead them and they'll be here when i get back but that she was like i'm not like the average sheep in fact second you leave i'ma go and go to the big city and then i'm gonna get a career and then i'm going to grow i am going to grow a sheep fro and then yeah i reckon and you could do the voice of the sheep it'd be brilliant there we go this is wayne rooney who this week admitted to having a hair transplant if you don't want to see the result look away now the express explained the transplant technique saying hairs are taken from an area such as the neck though in wayne's case they were taken from his palms rooney's and the ridicule of his manchester united teammates this week after a humiliating photograph appeared in the tabloids of him on holiday with his wife and so to round two the strengthometer of news uh fingers on buzzers uh ready here's the first one this is prince philip uh obviously his 90th birthday coming up and there he is um subscribing the first time he met a black dude yeah indeed now philip's birthday was obviously an opportunity for the papers to look back over his life shall we have a philip facts and foul ups quiz oh yes yeah yeah yes yeah great fantastic it's like you can read our souls our souls reg [Applause] how did philip describe china to his hosts while on a tour of the country lastly correct well done [Music] and what did he say to the mp for stoke on trent whilst on a tour of the city he told her it was ghastly he did what did he ask lord taylor of warwick whose parents happened to be jamaican he asked can you say a sentence with ghastly in it where do you come from yes that's almost right he said in what exotic part of the world do you come from the witch lord taylor replied birmingham and now oddly lord taylor's at her majesty's pleasure he is indeed he visited him yeah i've visited quite a lot of prisons um last time i went to wormwood scrubs um i was having lunch there yeah and one of the old legs said to me he said i'm in prison nowadays i mean it's so soft i mean it's not a deterrent when i started then it was a real deterrent [Laughter] true story [Applause] um on meeting the president of nigeria who was dressed in traditional robes what compliment did you pay here are you a woman absurdly not no are you just about to go to bed are you waiting and what did philip say to the queen following the coronation in 1953 where did you get that hat he did [Applause] [Music] [Applause] well a lot of people don't know is what he said next it is ghastly uh in other royal news what was camilla up to this week ian i don't know she was actually meeting another camilla and then camilla the duchess of cornwall met camilla the dog i said we we named her after you because it's such a beautiful name and she said oh thank you she was overwhelmed i think this week was prince philip's 90th birthday according to the express prince philip speaks fluent german and french and chinese well he can do the eyes fingers on buzzers teams here's the next one this is a it's a boy in america this is his father the father was seeing the boy off on the school bus every day and the kids said it's embarrassing coming to see me on the school bus every day the other kids are laughing at me so he goes in fancy dress what his father did to him i don't know is nothing what he's doing to this boy so that's what it's about isn't it it's about a man who dresses up indeed his name is dale price okay oh are you just going to say that sorry reg what no it turns out what i was going to say was wrong but i thought it was a different story that um a young girl wanted a raggedy ann doll and her father said i cannot afford to buy that for you but when you get home from school tomorrow i will have a surprise for you and then she arrived and then he was waving like that and then she was like daddy this is horrible and then he said i know i am just a transsexual with not much imagination i think it's one of the saddest stories i've ever heard would anyone like to see dale price in some of his outfits well here he is as a mermaid here he is dressed as wonder woman princess leia and here he is in a wedding dress and is dale at all concerned about the far-reaching psychological impact this could have on his son no he obviously doesn't care no not at all according to the telegraph dale said i hope this lives with him for the rest of his life and went on to say he can use it against his kids and tell them if you think you're embarrassed by me you should have seen your grandfather i guess the kid will get a letter in a few days from his mama who's somewhere else saying i told you finally here's a picture for you and a question what has this goose got on its feet socks some goose socks no it's flip-flops not far off its owners have provided their pet goose with a pair of sandals you see nobody looks good in sandals apparently it goes walking quite a lot and its feet were hurting this is american dale price who waves his son off to school every day wearing a different bizarre outfit speaking about his embarrassment to his son dale price said i hope this lives with him forever well whatever lives with him forever dale it won't be you now here we go again how how many different ways are there of doing this fingers that's naomi campbell and she's been in the news uh cadbury's chocolate put up an advert for some sort of chocolate bar or something that said there's now move over naomi there's another diva in town something like that was the slogan and this was taken as a racial insult because some black people feel that to be associated with chocolate is reference to their skin this is about the second or third time that cadburys have done this in the last two or three years so it's either they are completely ignorant of what they're doing or they bring this story up every once in a while so people can mention cadburys on television when you look at the things that black people have been called throughout the decades how you gonna get mad about being called chocolate i mean you like chocolate when black people ain't involved you chew chocolate you suck on it and you think it good and then you know it's kind of an odd compliment really i mean it'd be different if there was like a poo and then they said move over black people but this piece of chocolate man i'm not saying it's not a problem i'm just saying we got bigger ones if it is ku klux klan rather than kitkat [Laughter] if i run for prime minister i want you to hear my [Applause] [Music] i just campaign a post with my face and the words why not cadbury claimed that the campaign was a light-hearted take on the social pretensions of cadbury milk bliss the social pretensions i know i was at a party one time and one of them cadbury things was dead and it was up its own ass and according to the times cadbury claimed that the advert was a tongue-in-cheek reference to campbell's famous diva style tantrums convinced by that reg yeah i'm i'm sure when i go back and sit with the black committee they will be satisfied i've never heard of a bliss bar have you has anybody do they exist are they new yeah they may have hit on the very the very reason why we're hearing this story apparently when you eat it it tastes so good you go [Music] black people okay the ad features a chocolate bar lying on a bed of diamonds clearly even a year on naomi's a bit sensitive about anything that refers to diamonds and lying the advert made naomi campbell furious but to be fair she gets furious when she doesn't have water from a glacial stream in the andes pipetted into her mouth by a norwegian [ __ ] uh time now for the odd one out round just one between you this week a team of bell ringers in north yorkshire howard from take that rapunzel and three audience members at a hypnotist show in weymouth well jason orange is a howard howard not jason beg your pardon under pressure jason howard howard howard he's a member of take that and take that was stranded on the hands of a robot which was descending um and bringing them with them down to the bottom of the stage where they were going to do the act but they got stuck right those people are asleep they were in a trance hypnotized and unfortunately the hypnotist had a stage accident where he tripped over the feet of a member of the audience and was knocked out leaving them in a trance and unable to be rescued the bell ringers are unable to stay in their tower because they have been told they make too much no no no no no it's the the bell the bell rings were locked in the belfry by an angry parishioner or an angry neighbor who was fed up with them bringing all the bells um howard from take that was trapped up on the tower uh rapunzel was trapped in a tower the three people who were hypnotized weren't trapped in a tower they were trapped in a trance so they're the old ones out correct [Applause] they were all physically stuck apart from the three audience members they found themselves stuck thinking they were martians after he tripped over on stage and knocked himself out before he could bring them around do you want to have a little look at him in action [Applause] yes i've always hoped the martians would be more interesting than that when we finally established contact with them they're not used to our atmosphere now the bell ringers in north yorkshire were a group of campanologists who found themselves stuck for half an hour in the belfry of saint john the divine church in sharrow in north yorkshire after a local resident took offence to their peel and locked them in did trapping the bell ringers in the belfry have the desired effect no because they rang for help [Laughter] actually it did seem to work because apparently after the man poked his head through the trapdoor and shouted abuse at the team yes then jammed it shut with a piece of wood the bell ringers had to abandon their three-hour peel to focus on trying to escape so it did sort of work do you know who the prime suspect behind this terrible crime was the man they saw stick his head through the trap door and shout abuse at them see the prime suspicious big name is oh mr norris no according to the telegraph the man has been identified simply as mr crotchetty he's thought to be between 60 and 70 with an angular face although no one could give a more detailed description because they tried not to look at him because he was so angry i have to say there was a fantastic article in my mum's local paper uh the ludlow advertiser and it was about bell ringing and they said the leader of the bellringers his name was tony tucker and for some reason it came out as mr tiny [ __ ] did you say that's where your your parents are yes that's where my mom is your mom your mom and love yes all the money you don't made you still let her sit up there lila flatlow is lovely very classy town lovely really have you been there yeah i've been in love though did you think it was a [ __ ] oh i didn't think it was a [ __ ] but i mean like did nothing happen after nine o'clock but my mom's not a clubber here do you think i should move her to pens [Laughter] that's where we all end up what did they do in pinch oh doing you've been there a long time um about 10 years you go see how much nine you know that's why you going to hell uh so this isn't the only uh incident of bell-related crime in sharrow what else has happened in this village it's not mid-summer murders is it no it should be there apparently many suspect mr crotchetty could have been behind an anti-bell ringing campaign a few years ago when according to the telegraph his most dastardly crime on that occasion was to wedge a potato in a car exhaust you just can't beat crime in the villages found himself stuck in the hand of a 20 meter high robot called om after mechanical failures hit the 15 million pound production in manchester this week apparently he was just about to launch into his big moment in the show which i think in brackets we can read only moment in the show eight bellringers were trapped in the belt out of a church in north yorkshire by a local loft he complained about the noise the bell ringers were eventually saved by a parishioner who heard them stamping their feet she said it sounded like people doing river dance up there in which case she should have just left them there to rot time now for the missing words round which this week features as its guest publication epitaphs the magazine for and by cemetery lovers and we'll start with for bob and rusty clark cemeteries are a great place to what start a fire sex have sex bob and rusty is it steel bodies and sell them for medical research no even though they are no the answer is cemeteries are a great place to snack talking about their local graveyard rusty says our town gravestone carver john ely is buried there sadly the only unmarked grave in the cemetery and the next one's that's not what it's what that's not saturn out the window it's a reflection of a ping pong ball on top of the wardrobe that's not cemetery etiquette it's ghastly well it's that's not a bomb it's a cupcake mi6 hacked into an al-qaeda website and replaced instructions on how to make a bomb with a recipe for cupcakes that's not a bomb that's a cupcake probably mr kipling's least successful advertising next taffer files are what it's greek isn't it people who love graves grave lovers yes you're along the right lines table files are multiplying like rabbits and they are people who like graves i didn't know rabbits could do maps this is an article about the kind of people who like wandering around cemeteries and are also known as graveyard rabbits who share their name with one of ann summer's less marketable products and finally what do you call a funny german what uh rare haha i think ian you're near enough to it there was some survey that said that ranking countries by how funny they are the germans came bottom that's right answer there isn't one right but i think that was it was voted for largely by countries who the germans had invaded at some stage the germans are not a funny race knock knock who's there the gestapo that's it we're going to have the german ambassador complaining to this program again yeah did he complained before he has complained repeatedly about how the members of this panel are just stuck in the second world war and it's our only reference it's the only thing we ever think about german and it's the gestapo again no sensei music for you ambassador the joke is over [Laughter] so the final scores we've got to that point are ian and joseph four and paul and red all they've run away with it and have seven [Applause] but before we go there's just time for the caption competition there's a bloke in the middle thinking this is the worst identity parade i've ever attended the dude in the middle is doing the british thing uh if i don't look at that person then they don't exist [Music] on which note we say thank you to our panelists in his lock and joanna scanlan paul martin and reginald d hunter and i leave you with the news that there are suspicions that government cutbacks are affecting the metropolitan police's rapid response unit at his 90th birthday party prince philip asked the bishop of durham did you spill my pint and disney admits it was a mistake to hire quentin tarantino to direct the new winnie the pooh movie good night [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] stephen fry is asking jeremy trunks and about all things green and qixel next on bbc2 then it's time for a break for broken arms all legs in particular has the grumpy's talk skiing at 10 30. well over on bigger c3 now double dose of family guy

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Length: 42min 12sec (2532 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 20 2020