Herschel Walker Abortion Lies Add Up, Trump Files Accidentally Released & Gay Velma Drives GOP Mad

[Applause] joining us here in sunny Los Angeles California which by the way is the seventh most profaned city in the United States according to uh an app called prepley they pulled people in various U.S cities to find out how often they use curse words La was number seven with an average curse count of 21 per day Guillermo we want to guess which city was number one Chicago that is not correct not Chicago uh New York no not New York Columbus Ohio was number one according to the survey the average Columbus resident swears 36 times a day it's like how Quentin Tarantino movie over there here's the list uh Columbus number one Las Vegas number two which makes sense because my Aunt Chippy lives there was a phone service so so I'm guessing a lot of the cursing happened when the pollsters called during dinner to ask them how often do you swear New York wasn't even in the top ten New York in fact New York was tied for fourth among cities that cursed the least I don't know about that we just spent a week in New York I'm pretty sure I heard a pigeon call me a son of a New York was tied with El Paso and Chicago and the city the curses the least is Phoenix which that's because the f word there starts with a pH here's some good news Grand POTUS Jonas made a big announcement today Biden fulfilled the campaign promise and pardoned all prior Federal offenses for marijuana possessions it will affect more than 6 000 Americans or criminal records will be cleared he also encouraged Governors to do the same on the state level promised that his administration will review whether marijuana should still be classified as a schedule one drug and gave the presidential medal of freedom to a bag of Funyuns so progress it does the move stops short of full decriminalization which will probably have to wait until we have a President Woodrow Harrelson or something but it is the most cannabis friendly decision by a U.S president yet and I I for one am just glad Willie Nelson is alive to see this happen you know Donald Trump is still yelling about the FBI we got a sneak peek at some of the documents they repossessed for Mar-A-Lago a judge ordered that the detailed list of what the FBI confiscated remains sealed but on Tuesday some of them were accidentally released online in a public court docket now accidentally released uh you should know is also how Trump told Eric and Don Jr they were conceived but this case how they how the documents got out is confusing so I wanted to put it in terms we can all understand so the court thought they were posting to their close friends Instagram story but they actually posted it on Main that's what happened and as a result we learned that the FBI took legal bills financial documents a medical letter and a note that said message from Rudy now we don't know what the message from Rudy was but let's guess I guess the note said need anything from the dildo store laughs by the way don't think I didn't notice all those t-shirts over there got a big crew from dildo here tonight meanwhile this is the kind of day Herschel Walker is having her children I'm glad I need to well because according to the article one of the woman who says that you paid for her to have an abortion is also the mother of one of your children it seems like that's that's an easy way he calls out the article I had more kids that's why I reached out to anyone because I said no and that's what I mean when I said no I said it's not correct that's a lie and that's what I mean that's a lie what foreign I might need to get a transcript of that to figure out what Herschel blogger if you don't know is is the pro-life former football star running for Senate in Georgia earlier this week The Daily Beast reported that he paid for an abortion in 2009 Herschel denied that and claimed he didn't know who this woman who said he paid for her abortion was turns out she and Herschel have a child together which In fairness rehearsal he's got a lot of mothers with a lot of children so supposed to remember all of them at this point Herschel Walker has misrepresented so much of his life they should give him the liesman trophy a little guy in a helmet with a long nose but so now Republicans are they're scrambling trying to figure out how to handle this do they continue to back him for Senate or do they ask them to drop out so he can run for president in two years now down in Florida they're dealing with um the mess the aftermath of hurricane Ian and you remember a few weeks ago the governor of Florida Ron DeSantis pulled that stun he shipped a bunch of migrants uh to Martha's Vineyard well guess who's coming to help Florida recover from the hurricane that's right a group of immigrants there's a large group of workers many of them undocumented immigrants who who help with emergency cleanup and a large number of them are headed to Florida to help out Ron DeSantis bringing in immigrant workers to do hurricane cleanup is like Will Smith asking Chris Rock to play his birthday party but that won't make a blip in the um in the conservative media what they're focused on this week is this hey Scooby Velma is gay our thoughts exactly well Velma is now a lesbian apparently that's what they're pumping into your kids this this end of really offensive Scooby-Doo has gone away you know when Trump was President Velma was as straight as an American flagpole now Velma is gay and it's gonna be okay we have nothing to fear and I actually asked one of our writers Louis fertel to explain why we have nothing to fear and vertel it like it is Lewis foreign [Music] so as you heard in the new animated Scooby-Doo movie Velma the middle-aged teen detective who specialized in sending disgruntled Carnival workers to prison is officially a lesbian it's rare to see a lesbian with the dog she isn't grooming but velma's sexuality isn't as rare as you'd think in fact lots of classic cartoon characters are gay they just weren't allowed to talk about it exhibit a Peppermint Patty now this one was obvious from the get-go right rugged Birkenstocks hostile about baseball and with a nickname that sounds like a Christmas themed drag queen next up Snagglepuss I know I couldn't believe the effeminate cat dressed like a Chippendale moaning Heavens to Murgatroyd was gay either and what about Ned [Applause] Ned Flanders is What grinder in the suburbs looks like [Applause] He-Man now He-Man was transgressive because he's a gay bodybuilder but he's keeping his Christina Ricci haircut no matter what there are so many let's run through all the ripped gay cartoons Aquaman the Human Torch Raphael the Ninja Turtle Captain Planet if there's one thing about gay men it's that they cannot shut up about the environmental non-profit they work for I can see how the mullet would confuse you though Rosie the maid from The Jetsons is queer in the future all robots Are by law because they were all made in the image of the first gay robot Tim Gunn who else uh the Tootsie Pop owl Dora the Explorer of course Butch girl who's much too excited about her anthropology degree I've seen it a thousand times Curious George bye [Applause] Frankenberry pervert and finally the captain Captain Hook this man has been at Sea chasing Peter Pan for 70 years because it's the only place anyone wears Bloomers anymore the point is everyone needs to calm down Scooby-Doo isn't turning your kids gay Paw Patrol is I mean take a look a cop a construction worker bikers to the Village People for preschoolers but anyway congrats to Velma uh may she one day fall in love with Valerie from Josie and the Pussycat Doll living happily ever after selling organic cruelty-free Scooby Snacks in the greater Portland area and if there's anything the gang at Fox News should be concerned about it should be whatever the hell is going on between these two thank you everyone and um oh one would be we were on we took our show on the road to Brooklyn last week and while we were there Jimmy Fallon and I did a commercial for a local sandwich shop down to cheapside Bay it's called Jimmy's Famous Heroes and we wanted to give a fellow Jimmy a boost so we showed up with a script for the commercial and what we didn't anticipate was how difficult it would be to get the gang at Jimmy's to read that script aloud foreign [Music] [Music] Jimmy here makes hot heroes cold Heroes all right [Laughter] isn't it great to be among so many jimmies I didn't know you were two different people [Applause] [Laughter] okay now this is what I call a Jimmy's sandwich that's why you went with Heroes because you just don't know how to pronounce sandwich now this is what I call a Jimmy's hero Jimmy's sandwich like when you make a sandwich do you work that up too isn't it great to be among so many jimmies okay now this is what I call a Jimmy sandwich she just went right to the end yeah now I know why you never made a commercial [Music] okay hot ham with Breville tomato lettuce mayonnaise on a roll with that no I want you to say you got a problem with that wow [Applause] I hope they serve Jimmy's at my funeral one day foreign [Applause] and if your name is Jimmy you eat free that's not true please tell them that's not true so you see the first line that's not true either and please tell them and if your name is Jimmy you eat free that's not true either please tell me that's not true that's not true either please tell them that's not true it's getting worse [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] one more time okay okay tell them that's not true you're gonna ruin my business you're gonna ruin my business and if your name is Jimmy the food is free that's not true either please tell them that's not true please you can't afford that no you can't afford it please they can't afford it oh [Applause] you've got a problem with that see Jimmy [Laughter] all right they everybody at Jimmy's a Jimmy Fallon and by the way Columbus Ohio I demand a recount [Applause]

Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 1,524,443

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Hollywood, Los Angeles, West Coast, LA, Most Swears, Columbus Ohio, Ohio, Curse Words, Joe Biden, Pardon, Marijuana, Weed, Decriminalization, Donald Trump, Trump, FBI, Herschel Walker, Republicans, Democrats, Florida, Ron Desantis, Immigrants, Velma, Scooby Doo, Louis Virtel, Jimmy Fallon, Bloopers, Brooklyn, Behind the scenes

Id: 3LtOhR-_J5k

Length: 14min 22sec (862 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 07 2022