Helen and Philip Share Their Miscarriage Story & How to Support Loved Ones | AsianBossGirl Ep 274

I just I felt so bad for you babe and um yeah it's uh brought some tissue sorry it's it's something that uh yeah you don't want to picture yourself in this in that situation [Music] right and it's just the two of us today this weird I'm on your show a I don't think i't been on video on your podcast yet that is true whoa hey this is just the intro let's get into it later sorry it's just this is cool I've I haven't seen you in this element actually I'm so proud of you thank you look at you uh oh no okay oh no okay read read it if you have to like no okay it's it's going to be hard so just read it to the past few months have been some of the sweetest and most heartbreaking of Our Lives if you listened to the spill of baby tea episode on May 7th we talked about our miscarriage now I wanted to offer a Content warning for anyone out there who is sensitive to the topic of miscarriage or grief that if this is a topic that you would prefer not to listen to then please put a pause on this episode um perhaps come back to it later or hop to another episode of Asian boss girl so with that said this is actually my first time here with philli on the Asian boss girl podcast the main pod on video yeah it's just a two of us today it's weird it is kind of strange I haven't seen you in this context I also haven't seen you in thist where it's just us two right but I mean we've tried this solo interviewing format once before I guess with Janet and John the angry therapist and it worked out really well so I'm trying it out today and I'm just I'm glad that you are my first guest and your last guest in life this is a serious topic maybe I'm using humor to deflect a little bit from thank you I probably need it to like listen up um yeah hi she gave me cards we're trying to stay on topic and try to keep it structured um my name is Phillip I'm Helen's husband uh and uh I make videos and Boba I think people know that when you first said you wanted to do this um I was like oh no you should definitely it should be your story your stage um your voice uh but you know you wanted me to be on here and I appreciate that because um yeah like of course what the woman goes through um in pregnancy loss is extremely you know very different obviously from what a man goes through the the husband or the partner also deals with it in their own way and from my perspective of of also seeing you um and what you had to deal with is something that I I felt more people should know about also yeah yeah and and obviously like we're not doing this video because we want like a pity party you know like when we posted it on Instagram that's something that we already kind of like dealt with of like oh how are people going to react like we're not again we're not doing this because we are just trying to get you know sympathy points um although the support has been really um you know wonderful but I think we just yeah want more people to talk about this cuz it is so common yeah I think even as like a woman myself like having always been open to the topic of fertility and even like having children I've never wanted to I've never tried to turn a blind eye to the topic and I think the fact that within like my 36 years of life I had not really understood what happens with the miscarriage like how do you what what happens when you go through one how do you navigate the grieving process like that's never for some reason hit my my world or my education system that's never reached and that that is just odd because I'm not trying to not learn about it it just never has reached me so it is it is something that is very unspoken but is so common and and like you know sometimes you hear about you know celebrities that go through it but then you know if you're not really following them or you're not really diving into it then you're not going to know about it but we know that you have a great audience and I have an audience too and and if we can hopefully impact or inform people then hopefully it like normalizes it and also makes people feel um you know yeah just less alone knowing that Phil and Helen went through it or you know Helen is very specific no I would say we both went through it is is a shared experience for sure yeah and I think also for for those who are you know thinking about pregnancy this kind of hopefully hopefully you never have to go through it but it does provide visibility into what does happen which will take away a bit of that like shock which we felt when we went through it yeah yeah the shock of the grief yeah yeah I mean we'll get into it like the emotions are of course going to always be there but I think just I think when it was going down I was like this doesn't feel real because I just never yeah I never knew about heard about it yeah you know you hear about people breaking bones or you know going through different surgeries or other medical things and um yeah it was really weird to like be searching stuff about yeah miscarriage yeah yeah wait so actually when when was the first time you ever heard do you even remember like as a teenager or a kid or honestly I can't pinpoint the first time I heard about it I had not heard anyone's story for sure about it if anything I just heard that was a thing that happened but definitely never thought that it would ever happen to me I um I remember hearing about it pretty early on because my mom was pretty open about telling me at least like that she had a miscarriage um before before like me what at what age did she tell you I mean old enough for me to register so at least like middle school or something so I knew like it was a thing like oh yeah sometimes like the baby doesn't make it but I didn't understand like the gravity and the weight of it I was just like oh like this just seems like a thing a biology thing or human thing yeah she just like before you there you would have had like an older brother or sister something like that yeah like um but it it wasn't made like a big deal it was just like something like a fact that she she shared so when you um got pregnant uh with our son it was always in the back of my mind that like oh this is something that can happen yeah but I never wanted to give it any additional thought that hey like how much of a possibility is this what we should be looking out for things like that cuz I just didn't want to give it the energy yeah of of like you just wanted you want to keep pregnancy joyful and exciting especially if it's your first time and positive yeah yeah so I knew that was something that we avoided and that thankfully didn't happen um but again it wasn't like the the weight of like the the the the looming threat of it was was not something that I was kind of trying to keep track of yeah yeah and we've shared this stat before and it's a really common stat but like one in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage and sometimes people even say like one in three so it's a very common thing that happens that just no one talks about so hopefully we do just shed light on the topic today uh if anything to help people feel less alone to educate people and um so yeah so we're going to share our miscarriage story and we're going to get pretty um detailed and graphic here so anyone who's squeamish also take this time to just put a pause on this episode but um some of you have asked us you know like what happened and no one said it in a way where it's was like so what happened it was more like out of curiosity and I think that's why I do and am open to like sharing it because I think just providing that knowledge out there and I don't hold like guilt or shame with it either so I think that's why it's easy for me to share it um so what [Music] happened hi everyone it's Janet I want to take a second and talk to you about something that's been critical to my self-care routine and that is talk therapy I have been a big proponent of talk therapy and specifically been using better help personally for years now who happened to be the sponsor of today's episode episode they come in super clutch during those periods of my life when I could use an unbiased and professionally trained perspective while it is important that we reach out to our friends and family during hard times um sometimes the things that we're going through are out of their scope of reference and as much as they love us and they want to help sometimes they don't quite have the proper context or the experience to guide us plus a third party view on a situation can offer New Perspectives and help to shift the way that I think about a difficult situation I've been keeping weekly dates with my therapist shout out to her she has been a super supportive ear giving me credit and reassurance when I struggle with conf confidence and challenging me with the right questions when I need them our weekly phone sessions are a key part of my selfcare routine I prefer phone calls but if you are more of a messaging or video chat girly better help offers that as well they connect you with a licensed therapist who is trained to listen and give you helpful unbiased advice and you'll be match with the therapist usually within 48 hours so you can get started pretty fast if you think you might benefit from therapy I would really encourage you to check out betterhelp visit betterhelp.com Asian bossgirl or choose Asian bossgirl when you sign up and enjoy a special discount on your first month thanks for sponsoring this up episode better [Music] help I guess we can first start with when you got pregnant mhm at the top of this year or late last year we were you know trying and yes that means we were having sex um we were trying sorry um married a 5-year-old over here sorry we were very very excited it's something that you know we've been wanting to do and expand our family and what was really great was that your parents were going to be coming into town in about a month from when we had the positive test so we're like oh perfect um we can tell them uh you know once when they get here you made a doctor's appointment um we're switching doctors and the earliest appointment that they had was like basically a month away and I I I remember we both were like is that too late is that like shouldn't we get a checkup like right now um cuz then cuz then by that point we're we're already technically 2 months in and we were just kind of nervous but we felt it was like I guess normal yeah but I think that is normal because earlier than that I think it's hard to detect anything other than like a positive pregnancy test like a blood draw and they' be like oh yeah you confirmed you know but you can't I think it's not until like 6 weeks or so that you hear the first heartbeat so hours what's at the the 8we mark right yeah so to go into the details it was a Monday and I was at a cafe and it was just a random day and maybe this is going to be a little bit too TMI but it's my story so I am open to sh sharing it so I will but I was really constipated that day took a big dump and when I had wiped it there was a smear of blood and that was kind of how it started right and knowing the anatomy of my body I was like okay but that didn't come out from the right area mhm right so that's when I started freaking out yeah and I went back to my laptop at the cafe and I was like Google searching about miscarriages and just thinking to myself why the am I looking up miscar stuff I and we talked about this like we're I am a super healthy person you know on paper and we've never really had major complications with our first birth no fertility issues with like the women side of my family and so yeah there was no part of me that ever thought that I would be thinking about this we were super nervous about that and I texted you and I was just like I don't know what's going on and we just said let's just wait a little bit Monitor and also when I was looking things up I did find that one for women in early pregnancy will spot or bleed a little bit and that's completely normal and they'll gone to have healthy normal pregnanes so I was like all right first one I didn't bleed maybe this one I am and that's okay on Tuesday though the second day and this is 2 days before our scheduled ultrasound so we were getting really close to super close it was a week of our first doctor's appointment so we were already very excited so this news was coming at a very like crappy time yeah yeah so the second day Tuesdays when I had switch over to like a pany liner which for those of you don't who don't know it's like a thin pad right and I was soaking through one of those like every few hours because the blood was getting because the blood was starting to flow yeah right so and I I remember just when you first texted me about it I was at a really important like presentation and I was like trying to focus but then like this news was like crazy I was actually just trying to calm her down and I was trying to remember like hey I'm pretty sure you spotted first pregnancy too and and I also went straight to my laptop started looking things up and yeah it's super common blah BL blah so I was like Hey way too early and could be could be nothing let's wait till Thursday we're only a few days away it'll be fine but obviously in the back of my mind I'm like nah let's again same thing I don't want to give her that energy yet yeah and of course I don't want to freak her out so I was just pure positive yeah so Tuesday came along and now you're bleeding a lot more yes in the and this is yeah in the morning yeah and so then by the afternoon I texted you and I was like I think I need to go to like the hospital yeah I I you were saying that um this doesn't feel like a normal amount and unfortunately like yeah you couldn't get a you couldn't go see the doctor that we wanted to go see and I think you called their office and they just say may probably just go to urgent care but then Urgent Care didn't have like the the tools or like the they didn't have the ultrasound ultrasound um so you went to the emergency well I you you said maybe I'll you'll just wait and I'm like let's just go like let's just go to the it sucks cuz this is the American Healthcare System but we I literally was like oh it's money to go you know like it's going to be going to the emergency room is going to be like a lot more expensive but like it's worth it to just get the peace of mind yeah but it sucks that we even had to like pause to think about that yeah and pay a hefty bill now of it but yeah which is ridiculous yeah I I remember you know dropping everything rushing over to the emergency room finding you just on a bed behind the behind like the sheets and everything and just sitting there with you just waiting you had already kind of done all the tests again I was just I as I was driving and again this is like because you can't tell anyone I like I had to like make an excuse to like leave where I was and just driving over there like oh my God like no one knows why you know what's going on this the fact that I'm driving for this possible thing just felt really out of body didn't feel real got to the got to the hospital wanted to just again be more stoic and just prepared and ready for you so there I took a urine test a blood test and did an ultrasound and the ER doctor had confirmed like yes there is a a positive pregnancy an early pregnancy right and that just confirmed what we saw at home through our just like pregnancy test so gave us that information and then based on the ultrasound he said I had something that's called a subchorionic hematoma which basically means that there was bleeding between the amniotic sac the baby sac and my uterine lining and he said while not completely normal it can it does typically lead to like a a healthy pregnancy so he told us you know baby is healthy and going to be okay um I well always remember you know when the doctor opened the curtain he was very quick he's like guys it's fine you know you guys you guys are good it's just this H hemor blah blah blah sorry um and it was like this huge relief but I remember like my heart like was like froze for a second like what is he about to say and it was like good news yeah and we're like oh okay thank goodness yeah but even then it wasn't like totally out of the woods yeah um but I remember like just dropping my head into your belly and like hugging you and thinking to myself and I wrote in my diary that night like oh thank goodness baby's going to be okay yeah you know and gave us some hope it gave us hope it gave us hope yeah and I remember leaving that the emergency room like a little bit like cool like everything's going to be okay mhm and then the next day one day before um the doctor's appointment this was the Wednesday yeah um the bleeding got even worse yeah and this was a day that I think I had gone from like a panty liner to to a full-on pad now um this was also a day that you know we were like moving out of our condo and it was pretty active day and I was like oh maybe being active is what's like making it worse and just making up all of these like you know reasons for why it was getting getting bad um but yeah that was I think we were just waiting for like the the actual doctors yeah at that point we're like okay we're going to see the doctor tomorrow and thankfully we'll just we'll just get like a the the proper like a proper ultrasound cuz you got a a uh ultrasound from the outside right so we're going to go get a vaginal ultrasound which is like from the inside so now we're at Thursday the day of the doctor's appointment the day that we were going to just you know get hopefully some good news that baby's doing good um we can tell our parents and everything um but you're bleeding a lot uh still so we we still don't feel totally at ease even when we knew what what was it sub choronic hemor hematoma subotic H like we like Googled it back at home and I remember still like looking at it and there were still like a lot of results saying like it could still be yeah you know not good so we didn't definitely didn't feel um you know going into the doctor's appointment that it was going to be fine uh the doctor did a vaginal ultrasound I'm I'm saying I'm telling her story because she asked me to not because I'm speaking for her okay um but yeah the ultrasound show you're there too sure yeah but I mean just so it's these are details about your body so the doctor saw some debris uh which was probably some of the blood that was floating around um but the embryo sac looked normal at the time our doctor was very sweet and very positive she's like hey guys it's it's 50/50 mhm but I've seen a lot of pregnancies at this stage go be perfectly healthy so let's stay positive let's stay optimistic um and she ordered a couple more lab tests and she's like let's monitor it over the next few days see if like the hormones are you know going up or down she gave us a little bit more hope she wanted to but I still it was weird cuz she was saying 50/50 which is like not great but she said it in like a very positive way yeah of course she was probably trying to just you know soften blow yeah so um I I felt like I left like thinking okay like we're still in the game you know like we didn't get the bad bad news yet yeah um so that appointment in the morning like feeling all right well we'll just continue this a little bit [Music] longer the older I get I'm realizing how sensitive my skin is especially the area around my eyes it gets easily irritated when I don't use the right products I started using One skins os1 ey topical supplement to my skincare routine and it's making a difference if you're like me and have sensitive skin and are on the hunt for a new gentle skin product let me share a bit about today's sponsor on skinin on skin was created by a group of female scientists their products have been thoroughly tested in labs and Clinics to make sure they really work and are safe for everyone's skin what's cool is that they're the first company focused on skin longevity and they tackle cellular inessence a big part of aging their creams are super easy to use and they keep your skin looking great without any harsh stuff that might bother your skin like some other products ones skin is a world's first skin longevity Company by focusing on the cellular aspects of aging on skin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer get started today with 15% off using Code ABG at on skin.co that's 15% off at on skin.co with code ABG after you purchase they'll ask you where you heard about them please support our show and tell them we sent [Music] you so then I go to a Quest Diagnostic to get my blood drawn and again this is just just a test and monitor my HCG levels which is your pregnancy levels to see that if it was increasing over time meaning that you know your pregnancy hormones are still there if it's decreasing so I was supposed to go every other day and she was like this day get it and as some you know it's like if you order a test like the day it's so hard to just walk into a Quest Diagnostic they're always so busy but found an appointment and it was like 30 minutes away so I drove out there it was like around 3:30 in the afternoon and Philip you had to go pick up our son at 4: so that's when we started to split ways way every other time like you've been at every you know every scenario with me and been like right by my side but this when I was um alone I was like oh it's just a blood draw so I go there and the tech for some reason well I know why but like she could not draw blood from me and she was really talkative and she was just like when she found out like oh you're testing this love and I told her was like you know I'm bleeding and she was sharing her entire life story about her miscarriage and how she misses her baby every day and I'm like all right but she like poked me twice bruised my arm she couldn't get blood out of me like it was here and here for those of you who are watching and then eventually she was like you're too stressed you need to lie down down your um blood circulation is not good right now so they had me lie down and then another tech came in and they eventually got blood from like this area which I'd never gotten blood drawn from before and for some reason like that prick went so deep and it struck a certain nerve that I just felt like all my emotions spilling out in that moment and I think it's because in that moment I just felt like here I was going from one location to another listening to these experts these professionals telling me what to do with the hopes of saving our baby right and so I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing and I hate needles so I'm like all right just give it to me just give everything to me that I need to do to like save my baby and it just felt like trying to hold on to control and hope in this like entirely controll as and hopeless situation was a little too much right and that prick made me feel like here I was my body is not able to save my baby my body can't even give me blood in this moment and I was so angry I was so angry at my body I was so angry I was like you can't even go through a regular blood test and give me blood so then I started crying and then the doctors were like calm down calm down like all right whatever and then I started bleeding I was wearing white pants someone told me why I was wearing white plant white pants I think that's how much hope I had and um just thinking that you know it I wasn't going to be bleeding that much more I don't know why that's how much blood she was wearing two panty liners and it's still bled through those and bled onto her pants well it was a large pad guys don't really know pads not too p no she said sorry a large Pad but then didn't the doctor say if you're bleeding through two pads if you were bleeding through a full pad within like an hour which it was only two hours since we had left and I had a fresh pad on and I had bled through that so bled through that and then through my white pants and they were like all right go to the restroom clean yourself up so I go there crossing my fingers that you know it was just the debris that she had mentioned from this like sub cionic hematoma thing and I was like all right hopefully that's that's what it is and so this is probably going to get a little graphic and squeamish for those of you who probably want to turn this off but um what had happened then was just everything came out of my body it they were like as you on the toilet as I was on the toilet yes they were like golf ball-sized clots and it just fell out of my body and it was the most weird feeling ever right to just have it it felt like it just slipped out and in that moment I did not know what to do I I called you but then you were driving our son and my and my mom was in the car too and you had picked up your mom right and again this whole like suffer and silence thing or no one can know like I didn't want my mom to hear um so you like we texting me so I was texting you you're like I'm sorry I can't respond to you right now and so this is what I wrote in my diary that I'm just going to read here I wrote um Globs and Globs of inside coming out rejecting my body or my body it and in that moment I didn't know what else to do but leave the stall and ask the tech for a cup so I could save whatever was there I kept thinking is that you questioning deciphering picking prodding work wondering when's the moment I'll need to scoop in and save you and hold you for one last moment I would never reach into a public toilet but in these specific moments in life my natural instinct took over me and for me it was to save whatever could have been my little baby that had just left me so I did that and that was just so strange such a strange feeling to do that um and it was very graphic in there so then I called my doctor back and I told her what happened and she said all right come back to me we have to check what happened just now mhm and so that's when you dropped our son off and then you met me at the doctor's office right and at this point you had sent me a photo of what you collected in the cup and even I was like wait where did that come from where did you pick that up from and you said you grabbed it from the toilet um and I was like holy like okay this is this is um yeah pretty pretty serious um and so again I didn't want to start on my mom yet so dropped our son off dropped my mom off at her house and then I said that there was an emergency at boo mofo and that I had to get to the cafe and my mom was so worried about this like what's going on like what's happening I'm like oh no don't worry just some something that I have to deal with race back to the do 's office which is like 30 minutes away local um and then I find you uh at the office and we go in together um and the doctor uh does another vaginal ultrasound I will just say also that like just painting like what happened even that like drive back I I remember thinking like this is the the loudest Silent Scream that one could like ever have like I had my windows up I was belting I was crying and I just felt so alone in that moment and it was just so strange to look around and see everyone else just like going about their day and here I was just like my world crumbling around me and it was just it was it was yeah it was the worst Drive I felt so bad that I couldn't I felt so bad that you were driving by yourself in this state with blood like what might have been you know our baby like just in a cup next to you and um I was like driving so fast um and then also just thinking like oh man like is this really happening like again the same outof body experience and is this is this real um are we one of the statistics you know and um yeah it's just something that you never want to be your reality but I was like oh I'm living this reality that I didn't ever think would would I cross with um so it's just rushing cuz I knew you were by yourself and and you just went through that whole thing at the bathroom by yourself too so I was like I just felt so bad but yeah we went into the doctor's office together and um at this point like I kind of felt like there's no way we're going to get good news and but like just bracing myself so she did the ultrasound again and like just again graphic but just like seeing the tool like with all that blood come out of you just was like oh man I just I felt so bad for you babe and um yeah it's uh some tissue sorry it's it's something that uh yeah you don't want to picture yourself in this in that situation right um so she she took it out and there was like a a beat of silence and I'll just never forget how she said it she's like very plainly she's she said okay so it's looking like a miscarriage um um cuz obviously when she was in there it was quiet she's looking at the screen we don't know what we're looking at but I just kind of tell that if she's not saying anything probably not looking good and when she said those words I was like wow like this is real this is actually happening yeah yeah yeah I feel like when she had said those words it you kind of just become a robot you know like you become bug eyed you just nod along just listen and it's kind of like you're using every ounce of strength to try and soften the blow that your heart is feeling in that moment and it's kind of like in the movies where you see someone just in a fog right and it's like they're underwater and the sounds that they hear just like mumbling and it literally felt like that where we just like okay okay cuz then she went straight into just like um this is what you can do yeah right and not she was the doctor wasn't like heartless or like no she was great she was she said sorry lots you know her her tone of voice was very very um sympathetic um but she was she immediately went into like like how to help right with like with like facts and processes yeah and like what we should be doing next telling us how common it is that you know baby's probably missing like a chromosome and something is you know just it wouldn't have been a viable or good life for them and like all of this information and that's all stuff that I didn't know yeah I I in that moment cuz I I didn't want to like search it you know but that's where she went into like all that information and yeah I didn't know that um again it's supposed to soften the blow but it's like yeah if if the body rejects it it most likely was not a going to be a you know a baby that could live um or live a good life or or I'm I'm not probably not putting into the right words but just yeah it's not a viable um fetus yeah anyway and so she then shared with us like how you know and I know some of you had this question about like oh how do you then what's the next step there and so she was sharing with us like you can either do a DNC which is when she would go go in with like a tool to basically scrape all like the scar tissue and everything else out of your body or you can take a pill and your body will um reject the fetus or you can just wait and let it pass naturally so those are the three options and we decided to let it pass naturally which she agreed was probably the best um the best like move for us since so much had already come through since so many so much had already come out and when she checked again she was like there's not that much debris left I don't know why they call it debris it's weird but um but yeah so that's the option that we had gone with so that was a miscarriage at 8 weeks and I think having a miscarriage is just the most excruciating example of your body just failing on you that I've ever felt in my life m [Music] my grandma and I don't really speak the same language she speaks Mandarin and I speak very broken Mandarin basically only English this makes it pretty hard for us to communicate we all love our grandma but when we can't tell her exactly how we feel it can be tough McDonald's wants to help with that to celebrate the new Grandma McFlurry McDonald's launched sweet connections. a where you can record a video message for Grandma and have it translated into her native language using AI how cool is that you can choose from different languages like Mandarin Korean Hindi and Tagalog it literally clones your voice reanimates your face and translates your words so that you look like you're speaking another language if only I had this for my Mandarin classes in college check it out for yourself send your grandma a message at Sweet connections. aai then come to McDonald's to treat yourself to the grandma McFlurry today available for a limited time at participating McDonald's select languages [Music] available she kind of gave us a moment by ourselves and the room to clean up and you know just have have some time and that's when you know you broke down started crying I I I don't think I immediately went into like super emotional like I think I just wanted to hold you and um I think one of the first things I I said was like think about our son um you know just like try to try to just focus on like what we have and be positive um but you know after yeah after a little bit we just kind of calm down and it's like this is just the reality that we have to accept we're just in an empty hospital room gather our things throw away some paper towels wipe up the floor go outside make an appointment and we just walked out like just it was any other day um but again like this very loud silence that was like just like hanging over us and then the sucky thing was that like because we drove separately like I knew you you had to drive home again by yourself and I was like oh like no state to drive but we stayed in the parking lot for a long time just talking about it reflecting yeah yeah and then we went home we finally got home and uh like just immediately went to go tell my mom and it just like sucked cuz it's like yeah like we like today was going to be the day that we were going to tell you hey we good news we like Helen's pregnant and like to be coming home to like the exact opposite news and my mom was so so sweet she like immediately hugged you and as you were crying and um and uh comforting you telling you about her own her own story yeah I think it was really nice to have um a mom's Embrace during that time I feel like I needed that for some reason yeah and I don't hug her I never hugged her as hard as I did then and I just like literally fell into her arms and she cried and I cried and our son was like just like Mommy why are you crying mommy are you okay so are you okay she he kept saying are you okay yeah um and that was 4 days that was it was four days just happened over four days literally from one big dump yeah not going to lie I feel like if and when and hopefully we do get pregnant again and I have to poop I'm going to be so scared make sure you have fiber pills not to end this on a light note but that is something I'm like so scared of now yeah so I just also remember like the night before when you know the night before the miscarriage happened when we were lying down in bed and you had your hand on my belly like I don't know maybe this is like only something that a woman and you know someone who's caring a child will will ever feel but I felt so much energy in my womb and I remember I kept telling you like oh there's so much energy there's so much activity in there like it felt like our baby was holding on and trying to survive it felt like it was fighting and I I could not sleep that night and I am someone who literally can sleep while walking like I can fall asleep anywhere I could not sleep that night and I remember the night of the miscarriage like it it just felt so empty in there like I kept saying the energy is gone the energy is gone the energy is gone and it just felt like an empty home an empty womb it felt abandoned it felt weird it felt squishy it felt like what is going on why am I even in this state right now if there's nothing to come out of it you know what I mean so it was just the relationship with my body has been really weird let me just say that and your your parents were coming in just a few days later mhm so we were supposed to tell them the good news too and it's kind of crazy like literally the day that we were supposed to have our first ultrasound see our baby for the first time on our calendar I said BB number two like we're going to see you and now there's an annual like rip BB number MH on there and it's on the same day yeah so I know during this time a lot of the focus gets put on the mom and the woman and the experience that she's going through but obviously yes but the dad is grieving as well right and so a question from our listener is there anything a partner or spouse or someone of someone going through a miscarriage should know how can they support their partner better and then my question to add on to that is just what are some of the emotions and feelings that you would want to share um with the audience out there as sort of the man in the relationship well I think I think the first thing to acknowledge in your partner both ways is that everyone Grieves differently um so I think there there was like something that you said that kind of like hit me kind of hard which was like you felt like I wasn't sad enough and it's funny I talked to someone else just privately and they said that their wife also kind of made that same observation um and I think for me as I told you at that time too I was like if anything I was maybe trying to not give into it too much because I knew how sad you were and I felt like if I also went that deep it would be bad for both of us yeah and I felt like I had to somehow keep you steady and keep us both afloat while you sank a little bit um and so I was actually kind of not allowing myself to be as sad as I wanted to or or or create the depth of like tragedy that this was I I kind of was trying to see as like hey this is just biology um and you know we we we'll try again and uh this is an inconvenience like I didn't want to CU I I think what what really breaks my heart when I think about like losing a child it's like thinking of like them suffering or them like thinking of a kid that's alone and Afraid and um I'm just even thinking about thinking about that right now it gets me emotional and I was trying to tell myself okay at least at this stage it they weren't feeling that and this was just like again like just a natural process um so that was my way to just kind of like push past it and um I just wanted to support you cuz I just saw how sad you were yeah um but yeah that I think the dads are going through their own way of of suffering through it and grieving and yeah everyone goes through it differently but for for for I think the men or the partner of the of who I was caring it's really just about like letting letting the mother feel everything that they want to feel um validating it all and taking away all burdens of like errands or um you know uh just daily life so that they can mourn grieve and recover the way that they need to yeah yeah and I just want to say thank you you definitely did that for me I was a complete vegetable and I never as someone who was like always calendar filled with things to do I was a vegetable for a week and you were there to take care of our kid and make sure that I was being fed and all of that so with the help of with your mom too and my mom like that helped that was huge but you definitely did your job Al not your job but like you definitely supported me in the way that I think I I really needed so thank you for that and I'm sorry I told you you weren't being sad enough it's okay I Pro honestly from your perspective I probably wasn't yeah so but I also I think I needed that like rock of emotion for me too so yeah no I appreciate it yeah I think another takeaway that I have from my perspective of you know being the the father an expectant parent like um when you were when you were pregnant before or you know uh the miscarriage I was kind of shocked at how many people were trying to like catch you like being pregnant again or or kind of questioning us like Hey when's number two you guys got to start number two when like don't you want a number two and in my mind I'm like don't you think we're freaking trying like or and some people don't want a number two some people are happy with just one right so it's like this pressure of like oh you're supposed to have more than one kid or there're supposed to be a certain um age range apart and I get it people are trying to give advice about like hey if you're going to have two it's best for whatever but in my mind I was like dude like we're going through our own thing and then especially when the miscarriage happened I was just even more like dude how many people are going through this that um you know uh are are still being questioned like we we we were able to be public about it but like there's some people that aren't and you never know what you know a couple is going through um in terms of their pregnancy so I want to make sure it's very clear especially to guys because it was only guys that asked Helen who are you pregnant um just never bring up an inquiry about pregnancy um or or like when's questions about when to any woman um just because yeah you don't know what stage they're at and if they want to share with you they'll share when it's on their own time like let them control that narrative and and after we were public about the miscarriage too so many of my own friends told me about their miscarriage stories and how uh one of my friends was actually still carrying the baby but it was not going it was clearly not going to make it but they were basically at an in between like limbo stage of like hey do we um let it and wait for it to just pass naturally or do we terminate the pregnancy now and I was like oh my God there's yeah there's some people that are actually carrying like a baby bump and showing but the inside is like a stillborn and how pain f it must be for that woman to have to like be H being showing pregnant and everyone thinking oh my God I'm I'm so happy for I'm so happy but inside they're like oh yeah like it's already it's already dead you know um so just even even when someone's showing let them bring up their pregnancy when they want shout out from the rooftop yes that is definitely a huge PSA that I think with our experience that I mean I'm I'm sure like I've been at fault too of like talking to close girlfriends and being like oo like when's number you know it's like a it's like a fun kind of topic if it ends positive but a lot of times now we know the stats right it it's very common for not to end positively so again just you know keep it to yourself keep your questions to yourself Keep Your Hands to Yourself until someone says you can touch their belly or yes I am pregnant yeah definitely not trying to come off like as righteous like yeah I'm sure we've kind of done it before too so now it's like okay now we're on this this side like if we can share we learned and we're sharing our learnings with although I feel like I I feel like pretty early on I knew not like I learned somewhere very early on not to like I remember even in college there was like like an older friend of mine that like they're they weren't having a second or like it was it had been a long time and everyone was questioning it I'm like dude like there's probably something not working out like stop asking [Music] yeah I don't know about you but it feels like a lot of my friends are now getting on that baby train if you have a friend who is also expecting or have little ones still in diapers I always recommend pamper Swaddlers with pamper Swaddlers you can also rest assure that this diaper will prevent up to 100% of leaks even blowouts Swaddlers has dual leak guard barriers at the legs to help protect where leaks happen most and they have a blowout barrier which is an Innovative back pocket built into the diaper to help prevent those messy leaks up the back did you know that on average babies will use up to 8,000 plus diapers before becoming potty trained that is a lot that's why pamper diaper stash is the hottest baby gift for 2024 so give a gift to a loved one that says we see you and we've got you Pampers diaper stash is an online diaper fund that all parents with little ones will love you can organize friends and family to contribute to a group gift of an online stockpile that never has to run out pamper dier stash is great because it takes the guesswork out of choosing what size and how many diapers to gift it's so easy to do and it's the gift that always [Music] fits another question from the audience um was why do you feel like this is easier now for you to share and be so public about what you're sharing I think for me it is largely in part because I don't hold a lot of Shame and guilt with it as I mentioned earlier I am someone who is like really healthy right on paper whenever you get those doctor admit forms that are have like pages and pages of like past surgeries and complications and you know family history and all of that I literally check off two things I check off wisdom teeth and I check check off la for my eye surgery very luy very lucky I feel very lucky that you know we're both really healthy individuals also no complications with no major complications with our first child so if I were to like put a number on it I would say I was probably I probably had like 0 to 3% in my mind likelihood of a miscarriage that was just my I I literally did not think based on just Health andity but that's not how it that's not how that's not how it works right and so I'm learning that right and so when it did happen I literally felt like I feel like I did everything right and it still happened and that's how common it is right and I think there are other parts of my life that I do hold guilt and shame with and those things will stay in the closet but with this I think I want people to know that you can literally do everything right and it might still happen it is not your fault especially if you are someone who is taking care of their body being healthy not doing things that Serge in general warning say like don't do these things if you're pregnant if you're doing all of that it is still very common mhm I feel like the silence around miscarriages is because Society has told us as women and even as little girls like oh you're you're like basically fertile creatures right you're here on this earth like give birth to a child and so if you're unable to do that then shame on you something's wrong something's wrong which is why within the first trimester right within the first 3 months of pregnancy you're not supposed to share that you're pregnant why because sh if you can't give birth yeah right and so that's why a lot of women have to just like live in silence and suffer in silence with this like burden and especially when a miscarriage happens then it's like well no one knows and no one knows that I was pregnant no one knows I had this miscarriage I guess I'll just not tell anyone yeah that was actually one of the weird um humps that we when we did tell the handful of friends when we when it happened we're like oh we have to first tell them that we were pregnant first or you were pregnant and like and this is not a good news talk like so it's like it's like a double whammy of news you know yeah yeah but I I feel like that all is just such like backwards and dated ideology and again like I don't feel shame and guilt with this because I don't think it is my fault if anything the feeling that I do feel is grief right like intense grief and I think with the vulnerability that comes with grief that's where it is a little bit more difficult for me to share and it maybe I won't share too much because you know it it is just hard to be so vulnerable with this stuff right but but I think us sharing the story and being so open to sharing is because helping others to feel less alone and to feel less guilty about it far outweighs like the grief and vulnerability that we can manage ourselves okay so someone asked I saw a photo of you and Phil doing a burial what was inside the box so yeah we went kind of back and forth about if we wanted to do some kind of ceremony or whatever commemoration of our little one um and we decided that we would just do something in our backyard yeah you had held on to the remains um for a couple weeks and we're like we should probably do something with this so we found a nice box um and wrote a message on the box uh to them uh took a photo a photo of of us as the parents and say we're always here with you and we'll see you again soon um and that was it like we just put the remains inside um and we bar it in our backyard um near a tree that is pretty young that that's blooming now that's blooming right now yeah um and yeah that's where that's where they'll be yeah and I think a lot of people have said you know you can plant like forget me knots you could plant perennials like flowers that come back every year so that you're reminded of of your baby so these are all I think great ways to commemorate um your baby yeah yeah but that's what was in the box for those who are curious um someone asked does going through this make you nervous to try again one of the hardest things about this is now um the joy and excitement of pregnancy is kind of gone the the innocence is gone I think like when we went through it the first time sure we knew that again like I said I knew that it's a possibility but like overwhelming emotion was definitely joy and like dude we're pregnant like this is going to be what a journey we're going to be on and now it's just like if anything we're just waiting for something bad to happen and if it doesn't great and that's kind of like a not fun feeling to have around a pregnancy yeah it's like happy but nervous excited but fearful there's a lot of lot of butts yeah one te yeah one last question what are some tips you'd give friends of someone who's going through a miscarriage how can they show up that we may not be aware of I think that's a really good question shows that you want to be a really good friend um check out this spill Baby Tea podcast I did an episode where I talked about my experience being on the receiving end of you know receiving a lot of support whether through uh words or um like physical items I feel like that would be helpful for anyone who wants to be a better friend to someone going through a miscarriage so check that out that came out on May 7th thank you so much for watching all of this or or listening um I I really feel so grateful that we have so much support that has kind of come through all this the outpouring of love and well wishes and encouragement from you know fans and our friends has been really um incredible I wasn't expecting like the amount that it was and I think that just proves actually how common it is and how much people like truly do understand the pain and one of the most eye openening things for me was a lot of friends reaching out and saying dude I you know this happened to us too or we're going through right now and then I can instantly like empathize or my my heart has grown a lot bigger for people um that are going through things like this and um yeah I I I'm just really hopeful that what we shared can again just make people uh more aware of this as a possibility and if it does um you know happen to you that it won't be as I guess scary of course the emotions are going to be there but maybe it's not something that's going to be as out of the blue because maybe now you've heard of it from us yeah yeah and also just want to say thank you to everyone who's been so supportive of us um and sharing your love and sharing your stories your super vulnerable stories and yeah a lot of our our close friends had shared with us that you know they had gone through a misar as well and it's just wild to to think that so many people do live in the silence especially even like friends not sharing with us until this point in time and I can I can say like 10 plus friends have gone through it like close and I immediately was like I'm so sorry that I never knew and I I wish I hope you had the support that you need it and but that's why they're like they all say like they're so glad that we're doing this because they're like yeah more people should know what happens and to it when there's dialogue around it that's when you know people know how to support going through it otherwise it's kind of like what do I say this is awkward this is I'm just going to be silent and silence is not the right approach if your friend is going through a miscarriage yeah so thank you for listening and this is just our experience right this doesn't represent all of the miscarriages that have happened out there this is just yeah our experience so thank you for listening up to this point um and hopefully what we're doing here is just creating more empathy amongst people so that we can better understand and show up for each other thank you philli for being on this podcast and for being my husband and for being so supportive you you went through a lot through this so yeah as did you and with that we will catch you all on the next episode bye [Music]

Channel: AsianBossGirl

Views: 58,928

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Id: oXq8BX0DWMc

Length: 53min 16sec (3196 seconds)

Published: Fri May 31 2024