Have I Really Forgiven Someone If I Keep Remembering Their Wrong? // Ask Pastor John

[Music] well have we forgiven someone if the wrong they committed against us keeps replaying in our minds it's a question from a listener named Emily it's a very good question but before we get to that question today is the final day of t4g in Louisville and we're talking today over the telephone not over the studio line and so here's here's that email from Emily dear pastor John thank you for your years of faithful ministry online my question is in regards to forgiveness the other day my husband made a hurtful comment about my appearance and with the help of a wise counsel an older woman in the faith walked me through expressing my hurts my husband about it of course he asked for my forgiveness right away but the lingering question I have is this how do I know if I've truly forgiven him still hurts when I think about it and I do think about the event I'm seeking by God's help to serve and love him despite what I feel but his lingering pain from the offense a sign that I have not really forgiven my husband let me start broad in a way that I think will be more generally helpful to all of us who are married and even even others in similar kinds of relationships perhaps and then get more specific for Emily's issue of whether she has really forgiven her husband what I have found in our marriage which I did not expect and which i think is true more generally in marriage is that for Christians that is for me who want to bring their lives into complete conformity to the teaching of Scripture the great battle for holiness that is the battle for being the most loving person that you can be as God portrays and defines holiness in in the Bible that battle consists more than I ever thought it would in the straw to avoid sinning in response to being sinned against let me say that again because it might sound a little complicated one of the greatest battles for holiness and love in Christian marriage is the battle to avoid my sin in response to my wife sin which I may feel against me and I have in mind the kind of thing that Emily's talking about namely just being sinned against by words that hurt or by neglecting words that would have helped or by facial expressions that seem to indict or patterns of behavior that seem indifferent or disappointments that seem they could have been avoided with just a little more care etc etc and of course complicating this is that we often feel sinned against when the words or the behavior had no sinful intention behind them at all and if we tried to forgive such a behavior it would be offensive because the the other person doesn't even feel that she or he did sin against us and so our offering forgiveness is like an indictment that they don't feel guilty of so with with that complication one of John Piper's major battles and and sounds like others share it battles for holiness in marriage and other relationships is not simply avoiding sinning against others that's the simple way I thought about it as I began marriage I think I'm just gonna in void avoid sinning against my wife but rather the more complicated situation of avoiding sinful responses to the sins of others and what makes this battle so peculiar is that in the very moment when we may be sinning against someone we have strong feelings of self justification because of how we've been stand against so it's subtle we we we we can hardly bring ourselves to think of ourselves as right now I having to deal with my sin when really the issues are sin like I you you're you know what Paul trip calls your inner lawyer is rising up and saying hates her problems her problem you don't have any sin problem here it's her it's her problem when in fact my biggest issue right now is my sin and and some of the feelings that we have may be warranted may be justified some of the the hurt or or the indignation may be justified so you can see how complicated the emotional moment is when there is an actual warranted sense of being wronged we say that again an actual warranted sense of being wronged along with the hearts rising up sinfully in response to the wrong so all of that to say that Emily's question is a very important part of a larger and common issue in most long-term relationships especially marriage where we inevitably say and do things that hurt or disappoint the other person and where we must navigate the complexities of both being genuinely wronged and yet dealing with our own sinful responses to being wronged one of the most important things that I see in all relationships especially marriage is that my responsibility before God is not not the behaviors of my wife but my responses to those behaviors that's my response it is very easy especially in the beginning of a relationship to feel like I gotta fix all the things that are coming against me that I don't like you know that frustrate me or disappoint me or wronged me I gotta fix that other person and help them stop doing the things that bother me or frustrate me wronged me instead of realizing my number one responsibility before God and my number one challenge in holiness is not getting my partner changed but getting myself changed so that I respond in godly christ-like humble loving ways even if what is being said is hurtful it seems to me that the overwhelming challenge of the New Testament to all of us is do not return evil for evil first Peter 3:9 do good to those who hate you Luke 6:27 Paul when reviled we bless when persecuted we endure when slandered we entreat first Corinthians 4:12 the deep sweet strong contentment we have to have we must have in Christ in order to have emotional resources to respond like that that's the great beauty of the Christian life that kind of sweet deep strong contentment in Christ that magnifies Christ wonderfully to have resources to respond encouragingly and hopefully and wisely to one who wrongs us instead of angrily or with self-pity or whining or manipulative moping or silent treatment or sullenness you can hear my acquaintance with my sin this is the great miracle that the children of God John Piper anyway wants to experience we all hurt each other and disappoint each other and frustrate each other almost every day in some degree the the great challenge in the Christian life is to be so deeply and joyfully content in our fellowship with Jesus and all that God promises to be for us in him that we are not drained we're not drained by the disappointments of our relationships so with regard to Emily specific question I would say this consider the analogy between being emotionally hurt and physically hurt when Paul was whipped with 39 lashes even after he forgave his persecutor there would have been big welts on his back and terrible lacerations on his back that would have hurt him for weeks to come so on on dis analogy there can be both physical and emotional pain that lingers after the act of forgiveness this pain in and of itself is not necessarily sinful it's not necessarily a sign of unforgiveness however we all know that both physical pain and especially monk emotional pain can morph morph in an instant into resentment and anger and bitterness and that morphing can be so subtle that it's hard to know when it's happened and that's why Emily is asking her question it's hard to know when her her pain is morphing into selfishness and bitterness and resentment so I would just conclude with four brief suggestions for Emily in and for the rest of us to keep our pain and our sorrow from morphing into sinful unforgiving resentment number one let's do what Jesus did in first Peter 2:23 where instead of returning evil for evil he handed over to him who judges justly we consciously take any sense of being wronged and we hand it over to God who is able to the settle accounts more justly and wisely than we can number to direct your mind away from the hurt - - away from whatever act you're remembering - what is true and beautiful and pure and lovely and praiseworthy like Paul says with a sense of being treated by God better than we deserve and number three renounce all tendencies to punish or wound your spouse with acts or words or looks or silence and lastly earnestly will and work for the good of the one you have forgiven the real sign of forgiveness is that you don't seek to punish the other you seek the good of the other hmm so good those are vital hedges that we need in our lives against this toxic resentment that grows up when we relive the wrongs of others against us especially a marriage I think Pastor John that was John Piper over the phone today and rarely do we do that but sometimes we must thank you for making the ask Pastor John podcast a part of your day stay current with our episodes on your phone or device by subscribing through your preferred podcast app and you can now even listen through desiring God's official YouTube channel as well and if you'd like to search our past episodes browse our most popular episodes or send us a question of your own you can do those things at our online home at desire and God org /s pastor and John well when it comes to all those New Testament warnings aimed at the rich are those warnings directed at middle-class Americans today are we the wealthy ones we're gonna break for the weekend to tackle that one on Monday I'm your host Tony ranky we'll see you then and have a great weekend and if you're you're traveling home from Louisville have safe travels on your way home and we'll see you back here on Monday with John Piper back in the studio we'll see you then you

Channel: Desiring God

Views: 95,625

Rating: 4.9341455 out of 5

Keywords: Desiring God, John Piper, God, Jesus Christ, Christianity, Christian Hedonism, Ask Pastor John, APJ, forgive, forgiveness, forget, remember, wound, wrong, husband, wife, relationships, remembering, punish, punishment, good, holiness, change, battle, fight, pursuit, sin, killing sin, cross, committed, offense, problem, anger, bitterness, self-pity, whining, moping, silent, silent treatment, solemnness, joy, Jesus

Id: T_8PjAiukH4

Length: 13min 9sec (789 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 12 2018