-Now I thought I'd share some of
my favorite kid quotes from you guys. This first one is from
@vacaywithbrooke. She says, "My 4-year-old said,
'Daddy doesn't have to wear a seat belt because his big
belly will protect him.'" -Oh. -Daddy has a five-star rating.
This one's from @Keithbristol. [ British accent ]
Was it Keith Bristol? -[ British accent ] Keith.
-Keith Bristol. -He's from Bristol.
-Briftol. [ Normal voice ] He says,
"My wife and I asked our third-grade daughter what
she learned in health class. She said, 'I learned that boys
have tentacles.'" This one's from @tlynn983.
-Uh-huh. -What do you think "T"
stands for? -Terry. -Okay. They say,
"We walked outside one night, and my 5-year-old daughter
said, 'Wow! It's bitch-black out here.'" -Damn!
-That's really funny. Come on, man.
This one's from @Christyrenee. She says, "At a liquor store,
a man walked in with a little kid, who said, 'Daddy, why do we always
have to come here?'" [ Cymbal crash ]
-Oh! Great! -"You'll understand
when you're older." This one is from @coachjdjones. He says, "My son got shots,
and when he got back into the waiting room, he looked
at all the other kids and said, 'They hurt you
in there.'" -"Don't go." -This is from @babyduckyoongi. She says,
"When my brother was little, he asked my aunt how she
can make the scale go so high." -Oh! Hey-oh! -Wow!
-I did that once. -You did it?
-Yeah. I got in trouble. -Yeah. This one's from @meredithaellis. She said, "I was teaching
kindergartners about vitamins, and one kind said
her dad takes vitamins. I asked her what he takes.
She said, 'Viagra.'" -Oh. Come on.
-Come on. -Come on.
-Come on. -Don't be so hard on the kid.
Come on. -Oh!
[ Blues music plays ] -How would you play the blues
if you played the blues? Would you do it like that? Like, on a stool,
like kind of B.B. King style? -Yeah, I'd do it on a stool. -Head shaking,
bite your bottom lip, maybe? -I'd have a cigar-box guitar.
-Oh, really? Like -- Oh, I see. So it looks like you're not
going to be good. -Yeah, but then --
-You surprise people. -I'm great. Right. -Yeah, you're like,
"Oh, I'm just -- I don't even know. I made this out of a cigar box
in my free time, man. And then, suddenly,
it's like Django Reinhardt. I'm, like, all over. -I would get one of those kind
of gross-looking guitars. -Like Willie Nelson's
or something? Like an old one?
-No, no. That looks cool to me. -Oh, you mean like a triple "V"
or something like that? Like four or five necks?
-Kind of. No, I don't even mind
that either. But more like -- just, like,
almost too shaped and purple. -Oh, so it's, like,
made of Formica or something. -Yeah, it's all sorts of
different pickups and things. It just looks --
But that's what I would get. -You'd have that.
-Yeah. I would get, like, one of those
expensive, like, weird purply ones
and then I'd be like... [ Blues music plays ] What else do
you guys have to do? We're right here.
There's nothing else to do. -Alright. Try it again. What would you do with your
weird-looking guitar? [ Blues music playing ] -No.
He overreacted on that one. Wait. Forget it. -What else would you do
with your guitar? -Right?
-I'm looking at it. -We're good. We're done.
We're done with that bit. Forget it. -Oh, don't be that way. Come on. Don't be that way.
Don't. Come on! [ Blues music playing ]
Come on! They didn't know. Oh, man. -[ Vocalizing blues music ] [ Blues music playing ] -I would do that.
-That's what you'd do. -That would be my thing. I would do that for like
four hours in a jazz club. -Really?
-JF. JF's Jazz Club. -JF's Jazz Club. -And it would go,
"Yo, play 'Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Da.'" I'd go...
[ Vocalizing blues music ] [ Blues music playing ] -Four hours.
-Four hours. -Wrap-around sunglasses. -I'll say, "If my act is longer
than four hours, call your doctor." Callback, everybody.
That's a callback. That right there is --
You got yourself a Viagra -- You got yourself
a Viagra callback. This one's from @cdnels. He says, "My daughter was
given a Butterfinger. A short while later, she handed
us the crispy insides with the chocolate eaten off and
said, 'Here's the bones.'" -Oh!
-That's cute. Come on. -Come on. That's cute.
-What is this hashtag? I forgot what it even was.
Kids' quotes. -Kids' quotes, quotes. Kids' quotes. -Kids' quotes.
-Kid quote. -This is from @3langboys. She says,
"At Easter Sunday mass, the priest called children
up to the altar and told one little girl that
her dress was pretty. The little girl said,
into the microphone, 'My mom says
it's a bitch to iron.'" -It's a bitch. -This one's from @filmzadanas. He says, "Dad, I'm so glad
you're not a zombie." -Oh! Shred it.
-Yeah. -Dude.
-Come on, dude. -Dude, come one, dude.
-Dude. -Dude.
-No way, dude. -You shredded the guitar.
Now shred the joke. -You want me to shred that?
-Shred it. -You want me to shred that joke?
-No, no! -No!
-Oh, no, too late. ♪♪ -Oh! Oh, you're like Banksy.
You're like Banksy. -I can't do it. I can't do it.
It's a kid. -Come on, man. It's kid.
-I can't shred a kid's line. Yeah, I'm keeping it. This is the last one.
-Thank God. Come on.
-This last one's from @walabuki. -Oh, Walabuki. I love that. -She says, "A second grader
in my class ran up to me one morning
and said, 'Guess what. I was born on my birthday.'" There you have it. Those are
"Tonight Show Hashtags." To check out more of
our favorites, go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.
