“Are you gonna allow your
daughter to believe Santa is real and have her find out that he
isn’t like most other kids?” You know what, um, so in our house we do
like all the holidays. We do Thanksgiving, Halloween,
Christmas, Diwali, Eid, all that stuff. But, um, yeah I’m definitely gonna tell
her that I bought the presents. Like are you serious? I’m gonna
be like, “Oh, Santa did it.” No, no, no. I paid for it,
I’ll eat the cookies. I’ll be like, “I bought the cookies, I’m gonna eat these
cookies in front of you.” I have to take the credit. ’Cause one thing that’s gonna
be culturally true she has to, you know, respect and be
grateful to her parents. That’s one thing I want
to like, go every– right? Right? Thank you. And if she doesn’t I will emotionally guilt her because... Oh, this is actually really funny. “Not a question, but I’m 32 and just moved
back in with my parents. Would love thoughts and
prayers from the audience.” That’s really funny. You know who this is from? It just says, “Anonymous.” Is the person here? It’s you? Ahhh. How you feeling? You’re okay? Today’s a good day–that’s good! That’s awesome. Um, I want to– You know how you have
like a friend, you’re just like, “Hey, keep on keeping on.” But I can’t– You know, I lived at home– I mean, I lived at home for a while, but... 24. I lived at home ’til 24. That’s a long time, right? 23, 24 yeah. Do you get– I mean do you get–
you get to be here, right? And um, do you
have like, a curfew? Is that your–are you here with… Oh, okay I was gonna say– You’re like, “I don’t have a
curfew. I brought my mom.” “It’s our fun night out.” You know what’s funny? We went back– So my wife’s
family, they live in Kansas. And so when we went back
to go, like, stay with my in-laws, like, we had to sleep in her
bedroom from high school. And so like I was just in bed in her like, high school bed,
which wasn’t for two people. You know what I mean? And then like I just like turned
over and there was just this big ass poster of Hrithik Roshan. You just see his sixth finger just
like, looking at me in the night. It was weird. Yeah. “What was something that you
used to believe was true as a child?” Um, this is from Nidhi. Uh, you know what I used
to believe when I was a kid? I used to believe that if
you flushed the toilet, it would go straight to Hell. Like I didn’t under– I didn’t
understand how plumbing worked. I was like, “Oh it just goes into–” Remember how-
when they would like, Earth open and you
would see the thing? And there was magma,
remember magma? I was like, “Yeah that’s
where they put all the...” Can anyone explain
how plumbing works? I don’t even know
how plumbing works. In an apartment building
you ever see– you’re like, “There’s all that shit just
like, where’s it running?” “Is it going straight down?” “Is it going this way,
is it going like this?” If you really think about it,
it’s like, none of us know. And then where does it go? I don’t know. I still don’t understand how– you know how when you’re
wearing like certain socks, right? And then you rub your feet against the
carpet and then you shock someone? Yeah, static electricity. But how does that
go from here to here? Like that’s still pretty magical. I get it, like you’re rubbing, I totally know, like, atoms. Yeah. But the hair thing makes sense. You have the balloon and then it extends out, but you’re
rubbing it on your head. But how does it go from here to...? It goes from here to Expelliarmus! Like it goes to... You’re zapping people! You’re shooting spells out
of your hands, that’s crazy. What else? Nidhi, what do you–
what did you know? You thought– you didn’t know
where milk came from as a kid? You’re like, “Where does
milk come from?” You’re like, “Safeway.” Do you know I used
to work at Safeway? I used to bag groceries, yeah. Yeah. I got fired. I got fired though. I got fired. Do you want to know why I got fired? Um, so Safeway has this
policy if you’re a, like, they would call you a
“customer service rep,” but I was– I just bagged
people’s groceries. Uh, you had to, you had
to be clean shaven. And I had a, like a mustache. And they were like,
“You have to shave, yeah.” And I was like, “My parents
are gonna kill me if I do.” And so one day I came in to work. I had like a Band-Aid, like, here. And they were like,
“What is happening?” And I’m like, “Ah I
was shaving. I got cut.” And my boss was like, “Move the–” And I had to like, peel it off. Yeah. And he was like, “We gotta–” You ever get, you know like when
you have a job and they go, “Hey, can– hey can I
see you in my office?” I got a, “Hey, can I see
you in my office?” And then they– I had to hand
over… hand over my apron. Yeah. Yeah. And then I went next door and
I applied for a job at Office Max. I was a free agent, they’re like,
“Come over to Office Max.” But I got fired from every
job that I had before comedy. It was bad. Anyone have a crazy firing story? You’re like, “That’s cool.” They said, “For a bit?” “We’re
gonna let you go for a bit?” That’s such a sweet way to say fired. Alright, “Rank the
following Indian sweets. Ladoo, barfi, jalebi, gulab jamun.” I’m gonna say–yeah gulab
jamun. Head over heels! A fried donut covered in syrup, it’s the best. You guys– do you
guys not know what a– If you don’t know what a gulab
jamun is, it’s like, have it. It is one of the greatest desserts ever. You already have the
donut, which is a great dish. That’s fried, then you
put that in hot syrup. Ooof. It’s really great. Now this is a controversial take. Everything else can go to hell. Like, it like, Desi sweets
are way too sweet. They’re just like, fifteen out of ten. Yeah, it’s a problem. Like, they can all go to hell. Honestly, I can flush them down the toilet
and send them into the Earth’s core. You know what sucks
about them too? Is it you get married,
like in South Asian culture, you have to sit there and everybody
comes up and feeds you mithai like– And I’ve tried to explain this to like, people who don’t kinda know
what like, Indian sweets are. I was like, “Imagine at your
wedding if you had to sit there and every person at the wedding just
came up to you and fed you Twix.” Like, a Twix. Yeah, but the 200th person
you would’ve been like, “Please, no more Twix.” And they’re like, “But I’m
your aunt, I love you.” And you had to eat the
Twix out of their hand. It would be– You would go through
five you’d be like, “Ah, that’s cool, alright.
Ah, it’s my wedding day.” And then like, 287 you’re like,
“I think this is punishment.” “What is your favorite TikTok trend?” What, that was–
Why does that get a “Oh?” Really? Are you– is this from you? You love TikTok? How old are you? Okay. Okay, no cause I don’t,
I honestly don’t know what– Wait, wait, wait. What, um, what, what is
your favorite TikTok trend? That’s where “OK Boomer”
came from, right? Do it for us, yeah! Do the TikTok dance. You can’t, why not? Eddie, we can get music, right? Eddie, we can get it. Eddie, we can get music. Did you set this up? Is this a big set up for like– Alright, go for it, go for it. Go for it, go for it. Alright. You guys know her? This is a set up! You guys set this up! That doesn’t– you can’t–
from here to there? You guys live together? Why did they separate
you guys this way? This is a set up, we don’t know– This is like your free coffee scam. Like, “I know the manager.” “We live together.” Alright, go for it. Bella, go for it. You wanna get on stage,
you wanna do it on stage? Come do it on stage. Do it on stage. There you go, yeah, alright. Alright, here we go. You wanna hold my phone? I’ll hold your phone. Alright, the volume’s all the way up. I’m shaky as shit, but we’re gonna–
we’re gonna do it right, okay? Okay, let’s do it. Ready, okay. K. Go. Oh, oh it’s loading. Oh. It’s loading? It’s loading. Why don’t we, you wanna have
the DJ just play something? Or does it have to be this song? It has to be that song. It has to be that song. It’s “Lottery” by K something… It needs WiFi? Yes. Oh, this sucks. Can we start it over? Wait, she wants to start over,
you have to start it over. K, here we go. Here we go. Thank you. The youth! That’s never happened
on the show before. She’s been learning it
for a week, there we go. That’s an amazing set up,
you guys are a great– I mean, you guys are a great
groups of liars that set this up. Alright, what’s my take on TikTok? This is what I know. I know that it’s owned by
a Chinese company, right? And everybody here in
America there’s been a lot of articles written about how
we shouldn’t trust them because it’s a Chinese company and
they’re gonna take all our data. But I’m like, fuck that! Look, they already have
everything on us here in America, I’m a free agent. Let Xi Jinping have my info. You know what would be crazy? If everybody on TikTok,
everybody, just– You’re doing this thing and the– But everybody’s doing all that, but it
says, like, “I stand with Hong Kong.” It would like, break–like it would
just like– it’d be like, “Ahhhhh!!” Alright, last one. Okay wait, can I do two? “What’s the question that you
hate being asked the most?” “Can you wrap it up please?” That’s the question– I’m joking, I’m joking, I’m joking. This is true. “Is Eddie really your best friend?” Yes, he is. Alright. “Was the moon landing real?” No. Why are you asking me? “Are you Riz Ahmed?” Come on. The most annoying one
is when people are like, “Why haven’t you done the episode on the one specific thing
that I want you to do?” That happens all the time. “What is the number one
thing on your bucket list that you want to achieve?” Um, I want to finally
watch all of Star Wars. ’Cause there’s like all of Star– And then there’s like all the prequels
and then there’s the sub-worlds. Haven’t done that. Haven’t watched all
the Lord of the Rings. I don’t even know. Like, honestly I can’t even tell you. You know what I do–
you know, Ronny Chieng, who’s a correspondent
on the Daily Show. What Ronny Chieng
does, and this is super, super Malaysian that he does this. He doesn’t watch any of these shows, he goes to Wikipedia and
then he reads the synopsis. I’m like, “That’s so Asian, Ronny. What the fuck, come on.” He’ll be like, “Haven’t watched
Mad Men, here we go Wikipedia.org: Here we go,
Mad Men, synopsis.” And then he’ll just
read what happened so he can have a
normal conversation. But I’m like, “You’re
such a fucking robot.” Just watch it like a human being. Okay. My other bucket list item is I wanna
go on a cruise wearing all Supreme. Eddie. My wife does them. Yeah. She straight up gets up in there. She’s like– Yeah, she’ll pluck. She’ll do, like, even like the white
heads, she’ll just be like– That’s love, right? Straight up, the volcanoes
she’s like, “Boom!” Wipe. And then she’ll be
like, “Alcohol, pow!” And I’ll be like, “Ahhhh!!” It’s like– it’s like in Batman when he becomes Two-Face,
you’re like, “Ahhhhh!!” You’ll do it to your brother? Yeah. I mean that’s love, right? Yeah. I think that was too much info.
Must’ve been terrifying for that girl!