H3 Podcast #70 - Boogie2988 (Steven Williams)

[Music] welcome one and all to the h3 podcast experience or change it to experience oh nice it feels more if we're trying to compete with Joe Rogan's yeah why did that start I don't know I tried to hype it podcasts are boring it needs to be an experience of the life changing experience when you listen to this podcast you will come out a different person my guaranteed if you will lose 200 pounds just by listening that laughs that way case study here this episode is sponsored by ring stitch fix the black tux and seat geek guys we are here with the great and wonderful buggy we have a lot to talk about one of the main issues is is weight loss and dealing with that and I thought maybe some of you guys have some interesting stories you'd like to share with us today alive so give us a ring at eight one eight two one four eight five zero four if you would like to share your story with us another note before we get into it loving the end the intern songs you guys put together last week they're so freaking awesome we had a competent not a competition but people were making meme songs about her intern awesome you bought blessed us quickly Dan okay give me one sec anyway send them to podcast at eight straight reproductions calm and I'm going to tell you guys what I'll tell you guys what the favorite tunes are gonna want a brand new flippin Samsung Galaxy S nine plus eight enter it could be yours today's guest needs no introduction the great boogie2988 is back here with us say last time you were here almost exactly a year ago we had an amazing and you have since then basically when you were here previously you were just about to undergo gastric bypass I was it was June last year and then I got surgery the second week of August and now I'm down a hundred eighty pounds 180 pounds where did you start before you wanted to circus ever five four well because there was six hundred pounds but just before surgery he Laurie started the liquid diet was 540 yeah well yeah and our doubts like three I guess I'm not doing my math exactly I don't know if it's a hundred eighty about down to three sixty five sixty three sixty Wow I got on the plane but I'm still monumentally fat like I am tremendously huge right I'm way more than both guys who live in towns is right that's how much that way so I've still got a long ways to go I my doctor wants me to lose another seventy five and then just get right under 300 and then we got a lot of skin to remove which we I like it's so bad like I look like naked I look like the Michelin Man blew a tire I look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man after the Ghostbusters movie I look like the Elephant Man but only from the neck down because it's so bad so at what point during the weight loss do you say okay I'm gonna remove the skin like because yeah I know you want to lose more right so they don't like to do it within the first couple years they want the skin to like shrink as much as it can like tighten up and like they want to make sure you got as much fat out of there as you can right because it makes it easier like cauterize and stuff and at first I told them I don't want to do that I'm not interested like this who cares about this right right you know okay it looks like I have a flying squirrel I don't have a shed but there's the chest and like this underbelly the actual Fupa Fupa king I am still undisputed it's like so uncomfortable and it makes a difficult exercise and makes it really so the skin gets in the way yeah it's like straight up in the way and so it does it's not gonna be like that for everybody some people my size or smaller don't have that problem some people my size who are younger don't have that problem but since I was in my 40s and yes it's a real issue I like the the nurse she's like so we'll schedule that for the consultation or the one-year mark and I'm like for the plastic surgeon I'm not gonna get that [ __ ] you know you trust me you're gonna want it and then at the four month mark I was like oh I really want that well bad god bless I mean good problem to have yeah it's a good problem to have yeah I I don't know it's just it's weird like they talked about body dysmorphia and you hear that term a lot would like for people who're trans and stuff and I didn't I was like that's not a thing that I could experience but like I was really looking at old photos I took all my old photos down I couldn't stand to look at him right YouTube recommends one of my older videos I'm like who is that guy I don't even look like so what is the body dysmorphia part because isn't that when you like see yourself in a way that you're not right so I still see myself with like five hundred six and five okay you don't see yourself any different then I used I'll look at a street corner and I'll think I can't walk to that but I know I can now we're all like I'll be putting on one of my shirts I'm down to a 4x now this is like a six this has fallen off me but I'll put on a 4x shirt and I'm sliding it on I'm like oh this is not going to over my body but it does or like I'm walking through a restaurant or a store and I'm like I can't fit down that I it's just a actual disconnect right with reality and like is that affecting your yeah your continued weight loss efforts well they've not has been as great as I would like nice I stalled right about I stalled right about the control board you yeah so you can sit back I sold right about like 375 for a while and then I started doing some pretty big cuts to get down to like about a pound a loss oh wait so I don't know like I your listeners may not know right after I got this surgery made my ex wife divorced hmm and like you guys didn't know about it until December but we had talked about it for the first time in July and then we made the agreement like we'll get the surgery done and see what it's like after the surgery but she was ready to go and I was still like bleeding really I was not even remotely recovered I wasn't able to stand up I wasn't even really cook for myself so they were clean it was it was it was youthful I mean it omma it's probably hard not to be upset and to feel like a bandit in a way because it seems like you were vulnerable and and that's what I like the timing sucked but yeah right I mean what you were saying you went through a divorce like life-changing weight loss of a really intense surgery all within the scope of three months by god I get this like Fight Club mentality about it like just like let's just burn it down yeah and just start over like let's just completely rebuild who and what I mean you have nothing to lose exact just [ __ ] right and so I told a therapist actually lost my therapist over this conversation but I'm a your pistol can leave right here they're like I don't want to work with you anymore because I got the wrong idea in your head and I think it was the right idea but she disagreed entirely but I'm like so I know that I made that happen that doesn't seem very professional they're like you know what you're too [ __ ] up that's I'm not a good fetes what they say it's like it's not you it's not that's what they gave me but I'm like buddy that feel getting dropped by the shrink it sucked but I just moved on to the next one because it happens like sometimes you're a good fit sometimes you're not it's like anything else in there and if you don't have a good therapist you're not a good fit with that person that's really hard we were really good fit for real on top of the conversation I had with her I'm like so I realized right now I have to be miserable I've gone through a divorce and divorces are miserable you can write and I can't I'm physically in pain all the time and I can't rely on my one favorite thing in the world which is food mm-hmm so I can't drink I can't smoke I can't do it I can't like shoot cocaine I can't do anything mm-hmm I have no recourse so I'm just gonna have to push through the physical pain I'm gonna have to push through the emotional pain I'll have to I'm not gonna try to go back to an addicts State of Mind and just try to avoid it and try to deal with it and like go back in a stupid bad habits cuz I'm gonna get addicted to painkillers I'm gonna get addicted to food again I'm gonna poison myself you know um and I'm like I just have to accept that I have to be miserable for a while to do the works like I mean not miserable in the future right and she's like there's a very destructive attitude you can't think that way a sense to me right and it was like what was what was it's like if you choose to be miserable right now you're gonna end up going back to old habits what you need to do is you need to start finding the joy in your daily life and like under there isn't any right there isn't to me this is just the worst six months of my life and I just have to deal with it yeah and I'm so glad because now I'm out the six months and I've went through the physical therapy and I went through the divorce and you know I've dated a little bit and yeah yeah that was weird how'd you meet him tinder believe it or not yeah it's real so wait after how long of being together so me me my ex-wife were together for four seven years Oh married for four and so that was tough and so like every girl that I've met on tinder I did the opposite of like try to woo them I was like so here's the thing I just went through a divorce and I also got gastric bypass surgery I I look like I'm melting physically my problem my brain is on fire but I'm not looking to get into a relationship or nor do I ever want to be one and again I plan to die alone would you like me can we no Marvel movie with me because that's all I want a just want somebody goes to the Marvel movie with you you like Marvel movies let's go see Marvin yeah I can go with my friends that's fine so you said no not a fad right it's not and so like a the biggest thing is is you know I'm not a good-looking guy you know I have like all seven teeth so like the girls are not physically like excited but like they know me from YouTube that's what's been been a big part of it they're like well I know you you helped my cousin you helped my my brother you helped me so you've gone on her ample dates to the movies yeah and as anything is there new special there was one girl who seems like two and a half months and that was fun and she was really nice but just wasn't a great fit like she wanted more that I could like provide because I understand like emotionally there yeah I was too busy like done with XY stuff and all that stuff so that was kind of nice but yeah it's just I don't know a it I don't know it I don't know if I'll ever like trust again like that's a stupid thing to say but it's hard ya know but like at the same time like I have I'm not really angry my ex-wife and I don't really feel like I should be because we weren't happy right sure you know and like that VidCon I've never said this elsewhere and this is the only place I would ever say this that last VidCon not just because the Anita sarkeesian your was that when you were here yes like we meet get me my ex-wife were at our worst during that VidCon traveling was so bad we were having like an unhappy time in the hotel and an unhappy time in the car owner what here it was a brick wall let me I want to say I want to say something yeah you were here almost a year ago you're here with your ex-wife yeah and when you came here it was a such a struggle for you to physically walk in here you were taking breaks yeah you could you came you sat here because you couldn't really write like we talked about we took the little intermission you guys got up and walked around and I literally sit here and look at my phone you know I had to piss because I couldn't write but I'll say this yeah can you pull those pictures up this time you walked in on by yourself you're slamming around you stood up and took a photo here as well like this was the one before you couldn't get up so we went over to that side and took the photo so hard look here's the news so hard looking at these older pictures for me I really but it does it not here blow that up a little bit and this one [ __ ] we did it in that goddamn iconic spot yeah and that's look you look great man that's a that's a really good photo I'm getting there you know like I don't know most people in they lose weight they look younger and I'm getting older because you know like fat doesn't crack is the joke right and so like I started to see the crows I don't agree by the way why do you what do you what do you feel sad when you look at the old photo of you because I to me I know the state I was in mentally and I was just like defeated and I didn't care to fight like the morbid obesity and I was trying like to get my brain around it and to want to do it and want to be healthy and want to be better but I just didn't give a [ __ ] on some level and that's why I just couldn't push myself thing every licked right and like the surgery I mean that was what is like physical rehab like being forced rehab surgical rehab what was there a moment or kind of a catalyst where you're like you know what I need to like you finally something click because you on your by your own will lost what 60 80 pounds before you could even get this right and and that was like I think I think the testament is you have to you're supposed to do a two-week entirely liquid diet like 800 calories a day for the first two weeks to prepare your liver and drink calories right holy crap you got to prepare your liver you got to prepare your body for the surgery and if you cheat on that diet and they open you up and see that you didn't do it then they will not do the surgery whoa right that's serious they just like alright you got him up right patch him up we can't do it Wow so going into that knowing that I'm like you know how am I gonna do this I've never been able to put down a fork in my life how am I gonna do this and then I just did it and what was it what was it that I was dying like I was history you felt it like mush I was like 240 over 210 sometimes like with the anxiety and like the the physical stress I was in I was taking wads and medication to keep my blood pressure down and I was just straight dying and my surgeon is like ideally you would get all the way down to 425 before we do anything mm and you know doing it as such a larger size means you're you're bottoming out will be way higher than we want it to be you know if we look at the bell curve and you'll uh get into calculators less you're gonna get down to 300 and that's where you're gonna stop boogie and that's just the math of it it'll take incredible discipline for the rest of your life to get done right and but if we do it at 400 we'll get you down at 225 right and I'm like [ __ ] okay but he's like we have to do it now because you are dime yeah so let's pull the trigger I want to save your life because I know you'll pay it forward so now it's been a little bit of a time you've lost like 180 pounds you said like physically how do you feel like I mean it's been a since all this stuff [ __ ] tag yeah it's got to feel like you [ __ ] walked up here yeah yourself I haven't felt this good since I was 20 well and like I flew in 83 last week and you know Jeff Healey the YouTube team they put me on camera for like five or six segments and I get to host my own segment interview developers is amazing great opportunity couldn't have done that otherwise but normally when I flew into LA every time I've ever had to fly in LA I needed fiscal assistance so if a fan saw me they saw me in a [ __ ] wheelchair get pushed by somebody last VidCon you're in a wheelchair right robe for part of it and I still my doctor still wants me running the motor scooter for these events but I just Park it and I don't bring it anywhere and I don't do anything but I have it it's like you wanted in case he pulls back muscle at AC you do Hayes case you go too far but like I went to a fortnight event during e3 and abandon the cart you know ten miles back at the hotel and I was on my feet for like two and a half hours and much like marshmallow and that's amazing and logic right I like a logic and concert and like yeah I don't know it's just like I can do that now and I want to do it so I hate having to keep that thing but I do use it a little bit at these events just to be safe but are you afraid like it's funny I was tough our previous guest Tom Segura I was talking to him about weight loss by every stand a much different scale but he said something I thought was what's funny but very true he's like he used to be really big and lost a ton of weight yeah I said I always feel like I'm five days away from completely relapsing I could see that it was how do you feel about well after the surgery do you feel like you're super motivated to keep going or you still feel like super motivated right now but I talked to a lot of people in a way I talked a lot of people on on the subreddit I talked to a lot of people on the Facebook groups you know these these Recovery Group C surgery groups and like I'm in several and there's some people like one guy in my area I don't want to doc some um but he you know never allowed to smoke again because if you do you can perforate the surgical scars in your stomach well and so the smoker right he started smoking again at the six-month mark and now it's been a one year since the surgery and he has perforated his stomach and so what does that mean basically there's holes in the surgical lining of his stomach and so he's literally he eats when he eats he's dumping stomach juices and food so it's almost worse off right so like the chances of him buying any day is like happening and I'm like I'm learning from him like how do you how do you know why are you doing that I guess I don't know it's a stress ring right and you're you're under more stress than you've ever been yeah and and like you said I mean food is is kind of always been something that you've leaned on then the good news is our cigarettes in his case the good news is I will tell your audience that I've told them before there were a couple of times like right after the divorce I was like you know what um cake is delicious so I don't give a [ __ ] I'm ready cake mm-hmm and it made me very very sick and maybe very very ill because your summit but I'm so sick all alive it's because like I just wasn't used to those foods anymore I'm over it right and so I like I'll push through it because I'm really really dedicated to looking this up I guess and so you're saying you felt off on but you kept eating right you know what man I'm gonna eat this I'm gonna go back in a self-destructive mode and do it and then my stomach the surgery kicks in and it's like hey boss you know we can only eat about for us as a food still right and like oh so that's why the surgery is so useful because in that moment a weakness not only do I feel bad not only do I feel sick not only do I not enjoy what I've done but then like I physically can't do it to a point that'll damage me and there's this misconception that you your stomach stretches over time if you abuse it and stuff and they've done autopsies some people have years ago it's just not true so how is it that you have a ceiling right because they say oh yeah the food what I mean it depends on what you're eating right like 8 ounces of cake is gonna be too 3,000 calories right but 8 ounces of lean chicken there's gonna be four or 500 colors what I mean is like over eight months you say that's your opportunity to lose weight is that because your stomach regrows so okay so the way they explained it most people will lose weight for the first year and a half and at the end of that year and a half all of the fun parts of the surgery are gone one man being like you're gonna start feeling hunger again about the six-month mark all of that all that all the assistance basically right and that's gonna come down to discipline and then the other thing is your body does not like what you're doing to it when you lose weight that quickly so you do get some metabolic hits and your body is resistant for the rest of your life to process fat to process calories you know it's still gonna a bay the laws of thermodynamics you know so it will then try to choose to burn protein it's going to try to burn your muscle and warmer your fat for example bad and so you got a struggle with little things like that your body learns hey we once start for a year and a half and I don't ever want that to happen again so let's make sure it doesn't and they tell you and this is not a hard and fast rule because you can't change the math but they say like if you figure out your basal metabolic rate at 2500 calories you should deduct 6 to 800 calories from that and to get your actual BMR so a normal person normal person your size probably about 2,500 hours a day mmm what if I'm your size then I should probably be eating closer to 19 just to maintain just to maintain wow that's pretty and so basically rough yeah you got it right for the rest of your life and it's tough yeah but if you lose that motivation I really think you you you're five days away from whatever was a total landslide I'm so tremendously motivated because I'm doing stuff I've never got to do and it's just part of my life I would rent about for 20 years you know it's on disability building a YouTube channel a man one of these days I'm gonna be able to go to e3 one of these days and remember to go beyond my favorite podcast my favorite shows meet my favorite creators meet my fans and and then I couldn't I got to the point where I had the power I had the money but I couldn't physically do it right and now I can do both and now like I feel like I'm struggling on YouTube go check me out youtube.com slash crooked you 90-day I feel like I'm struggling there because my audience is kind of split because I always did the gaming stuff but my gaming audience got flooded with all these very personal videos during the divorce and the surgery so I have like a very personal audience right now that doesn't care to watch the gaming stuff um and but the gamers are frustrated because there's too much personal stuff and have that like weird split audience issue and then nothing performs well on the out rhythm I'm just gonna have to pick a direction to go with it I don't think so but let's talk about that yeah after the break I'm curious to pick your brain on that a little bit cuz I have thoughts about that too cuz I've been that position so many times right but let's talk about that after break we will be right back absolutely thank you to ring for sponsoring this episode now Dan can you play the angelic music please because this is serious this is a product that has revolutionized the earth thank you Dan this is a product so great usually sponsors they approached us I said no I sought out ring and I said I love you so much give me the 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ring.com slash h3 I guarantee this product it's gonna change everything you knew about the world style some of us have it and some of us don't that's right and let's face it a lot of us guys it's hard to wait it's hard enough to wake up in the morning or girls or ladies it's hard enough to wake up in the morning let alone oh you got to get up and dress yourself are you freaking kidding me if you're like me you just leave a pile of dirty clothing on them on the floor before I met ela I literally would just leave a pile of used clothes and put that back on because who's got time I saw that when you're so critically depressed that you can't even get out of bed well I can't help with your depression but I can't help with the clothing stitch fix all right six fix has reinvented how we buy clothing you just go to the website answer some basic questions about your sizes favorite styles budget and write from your laptop smartphone or tablet boom you're slamming your personal stylist and 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up to receive scheduled shipments the choice is yours I love stitch fits dan dan loves stitch fix he's using it all the freaking time and I can verify it that he's had some hot dates that have gone very well specifically because he's looked so good how can you verify that because he's told me oh right then you know what buddy hurry desist fix calm slash h3 to get started now keep all five items in your box and you'll get 25% off your entire purchase that's stitch fix calm slash h3 stitch fix calm slash h3 welcome back to the h3 podcast experience feels good right it does I'm I can feel my life changing so we were just talking about how you're split on YouTube content cuz you have the the like emotional or personal I guess like better and you have gaming content and I like perform so much better right performs better I have a video can right now that took me 10 years to make but like I talked to you a little bit about last year I talked about like the abuse that I went through as a kid but I never like really when to these details so just I got home from e3 and I turn on the camera and I'm like tonight's tonight just yet it's been dead 10 years I'm gonna make the video who's been dead mom like all this terrible [ __ ] and you know what I'm just gonna put it out there and I filmed it and I'm gonna either set of life today or tomorrow it's not live yet no yeah it should go gangbusters I hope I think audience will respond to it and it's gonna feel amazing to get that [ __ ] out so the emotional stuff does better than the video game stuff right and then like the gaming stuff kind of does okay and surprisingly when I do the Francis character I bleed subscribers now and I think part of it's because he's not as funny because I'm not as fat and I think that's a part of it I think a part of it is they've learned to know me and they don't like that side yeah you don't need it I don't need it right and but the problem is I still find myself and I think you I think this is exactly what your guys are gonna like I think it's we're ever crater has to land mmm you create what you want to create what you were passionate about what you you have to yeah the most important I think that you're I know in your head like when you see that the views are lower on one video and higher it gets really stressful right because you want to see every video doing great right but the truth is and I've learned this the poor performance of one video doesn't or like people are willing to stick around and get the videos they want right you can have both it's totally fine right and I have like and so that's a lot they get YouTube in your ear and their life you consistency consistency great I know people at YouTube don't even make youtube videos right they don't know anything about what it means to be a youtuber right and no fault like my rap or anybody like that yeah I know you guys right but at the end of the day like I I was so blessed to have like a core audience of like a hundred thousand people who would watch me eat a bucket exactly right and exaggerate probably get more for that and here's the thing is you know you about 8 ounces of [ __ ] yeah not even a bucket it the thing is if you get in your head you're like oh I just need to make emotional it is how [ __ ] up is that right exactly all the sudden you're like what what like then maybe you're not emotional in it today I'm having a good day and I'll do what kind of right it sucked up and and and you're gonna get stuck in a box where you're all the sudden getting stressed out because you don't know how to make other content than that an hour create there are content creators I watched one yesterday he tweeted me something and he averages well I'm just going to say this wheezy waiter if you remember him from YouTube royalty days and he still makes videos at 15:20 kpop and I I said that I scratch my head I'm like man why you know but cuz he loves doing it cuz he's passionate about cuz he liked what he does and he has an audience of 15,000 people one Harrison Wright I went saw Bo Burnham he's on the show in a couple weeks yeah I love that my super excited um but I wouldn't watch Bo Burnham in the house of 1,400 people right and that's a big audience for boat but was excited 14 where people came out wide to watch me that's a huge so if you've got a twenty thousand people watching everything you do congratulations Weezy yeah it's awesome by the way there's never any rule people think that like on YouTube when you channel winds down that you can never come back it's like oh you're stuck like I've actually seen several times I mean you could even say it about Philip DeFranco Oh different girls are perfect like his channel was getting it was really slowing down he was down to boogie level of views for a while I don't know what his views were at I was like a couple hundred thousand now I don't know I actually don't really know what happened specifically but whatever he changed I think his his show got more professional like the celebrity gossip [ __ ] which is okay so and no more like girl of the day which was like like it's not for this political climate you know so he fixed the show and now he's up over a million every freaking I think Jack's seen that a lot of I think jacket Jax homes is another perfect example where like your grammar sucks was like killer and he's just killing it and like to 35 million own upload and then like he was experimenting and figuring stuff out and he's down to like boogie level of numbers for a while like diva two or three hundred thousand less he and then guy hits and then boom now it's two he's got five million again yeah questionnaires we figured out what works and even Felix to an extent because he never really dipped like below like two million per video yeah but it's like you gotta take your time it's perfect on YouTube people like panic when they see the numbers going down right and it's hard not to it's [ __ ] feels all right it's like right there in the works exactly the number it is no like I wonder what this one got like on Netflix do you have no idea what one that'd be right yeah they still don't they still impose YouTube read original numbers like nobody has like know if those ever got watched by anyone ever yeah here's a hint most of them have not well yeah the numbers probably look really really small compared to free videos yeah right exactly but the thing that being a youtuber so toxic and it's so it's so hard like emotionally but the thing is like it happens to everybody who's been on the platform for a long time you definitely you have been Flo yep and you got to like rediscover your voice I learned to just let it go and just like because I knew going into the surgery I was like a lot of people are in my ear a lot of fans on Twitter like when you lose weight people are gonna watch and like you know what if that happens it's okay because I'm turning my life around and like my ex-wife we're talking about divorcing why what's the theory that people wouldn't watch because the only thing I'm interesting only thing interesting about me is that a vet how is that interesting I don't know I don't know or that some of my audience who's also big would see me succeed and that would make them frustrated or irritated or resilient saying or something like that like I'm like those statements doesn't mean anything it's all like theory crafting people love the theory craft and you know but yeah I'm just like there's a gaming term from back all the day like your deck building decks or a building Dede characters you like you just like a well let's see how this will work seriously we're all three or three crafting here I want to ask you something I saw this statistic and it absolutely blew my mind yeah and tell me how kind of how it resonates with you if an over if an obese person starts their marriage when they're obese when they start losing weight or like get guys gastric bypass right the chance of divorce after surgery is eighty to eighty-five percent yeah oh I was completely flabbergasted by that man they go over that number my my my pre education for the the surgery is so comprehensive they included that statistic one point what do you make like what do you make of that that it's almost like it's almost certain well let me ask you this before you did the surgery did you think oh were you like oh that's that's not us um I had a pretty good feeling come that July when we had that talk yeah like she's definitely maybe looking towards the door right now she's definitely looking towards not enjoying her life right now and I don't blame her she was in a caretaker role man so you mean like resonate with you yeah and I'm like man I think that might happen but I asked her one day I'm like what do you think about that it she's like look that's not us we're gonna be fine and and I think part of that even though I think she maybe already had an eye on the door that was her saying look I have to tell him that because I want to make sure I save his life here I'm not gonna leave him in ruins mm-hmm you know I'm not gonna leave him to die alone and so I you know but maybe that's how she really was thinking who knows but what she likes to talk to ever talk to people who have gone through the surgery and seen marriages end there's like three major school of thoughts okay so it could have been that I got the surgery and was unsatisfied with my partner and decided to upgrade that happens then there are people who marry somebody who's morbidly obese and think they're always gonna be like that they're always gonna be there for me they always make me feel better about myself maybe something like that and then that person starts to turn their life around and they're like well the dynamic changes right and I think that might even close to what happened for me and my ex-wife in some ways we were always we already had our trouble but I think we're in a situation where I was getting my stuff together and she's like what is my role in this codependent relationship no like it's gonna be a bleakly change and if it's going to completely change now as an opportunity for me to build into something completely different mmm I think that's probably where her headspace was more than anything like now if I'm gonna rebuild myself anyway let's see if I can do make myself happier as I think really what it was but I think that's I think you have people who who get through the surgery and like I'm a better person I deserve a better partner and you got people who who were married to somebody who are they're in a caretaker role and everything so when you say caretaker role as it's almost as if that appeals to the the part of the spouse I think like they come in and they like being that right there ought to be the character they one day that I once dated a girl who was a feeder if you're familiar that tell me about that I'm not very so I met her on like ice cream back in 2005 or something - how much did you weigh at the time I was about 550 oh I was 512 was like she's a girl who got me up to 600 okay so if she completely enabled you yeah she's like straight up right she's like I want you to be so big like we moved in and we had this conversation actually I want you to be so big one day that you can't get out of bed I want you so big one day that you're one of the biggest men on record what the [ __ ] you sexual turn-on for NASA's said tool very sir let me ask you if I can get does she how does she get sexual gratification of that um I guess just the body type like she liked the softness of it does she like my like yeah like stir like the the feeding aspect is foreplay like dinner is foreplay that's and what's and what's the honk Grand Slam is just sex you know like I guess I guess ideally I've talked to people who got so large that they weren't able to have sex and certainly a lot of positions are compromised when I was five fifty six hundred but you can still say man do yeah we and but eventually I guess you had fed me to a point where I wasn't physically able to do that anymore and that I don't know what it would have been and did you know about to some extent but she's pretty she was pretty upright she's tiny she's like 110 pounds oh that is the string one of the best girls ever dated how did that make you feel I mean like being in that relationship knowing what it well I was like suicidal and like self-destructive anyway so I was like hey I get to some hires and also get laid a lot this is awesome and she was pushing me to do stuff I had never done before like she's getting me back into the gym to trying to stay fit but also still fat huh you know she wanted otherwise right and otherwise you're gonna get so that you know you want to be able to eat anymore I want you to be to always be able to knock it out right huh how would you be able to just burn those calories was she trying to kill you yeah that's she wanted that's the deal that's a deal with centimeters yeah not all well I mean where's the words the road and yes some for someone is just like a control thing mmm oh yeah I want to control you and some of them it's like the only feature that would she feed you while you guys were having sex yeah I ever I have a real sexy story that I would never talk about I'm just I'm intrigued by the whole thing so we decide to do Thanksgiving dinner together right and she I stayed the night at her place and she wakes up that morning at like 5:00 a.m. to start cooking that Couric turkey she base it like it's her [ __ ] career dude and and so I'm so fat I can't fit into her pantry but she's got some bags in the pantry and like we Thanksgiving dinner and I down like a two liter of vanilla coke and I'm like ate half that turkey and half all the sides and I'd like a pie for breakfast to start the day and then she's like hey it's time for dessert and I'm like I can't eat another bite she goes were you better and like what is for a dessert I ate the only pie in the house for [ __ ] breakfast okay like what do you want from me this is one I hate the story now looking back on because I feel like such a terrible glutton I can't believe this is where my head was is I would never think this way anymore but I was like so into it she goes into the pantry and grab this like bag and she goes into the bedroom and closes the door and I'm like doing this like trying to get food to settle so I try to make room I try to burp and stuff cuz I know I'm gonna have to eat I was gonna be real food so she oh she's like come in and I'm so sorry this is sculling story she's uh she's taken Oreo cookies and she's laid them across her chest down her stomach to make an arrow to her vagina and then she had filled her vagina maraschino cherries I swear to God and my thought is you are going to get a yeast infection what the [ __ ] are you doing like don't put food in your vagina how many of you stuff it was like you know well it was like one of the best experiences of my life I was like this is awesome you ate them all out yeah you do what you got to do and then you know you went to Tel you ate them all out yes quite literally and together for a while and then I got sick I got like an infection to my leg which is like real frequent I get in with the lymphedema all the time and I'm like I gotta go to the hospital she's like they're gonna make you lose weight and I'm like no no no that's gonna be fine I go to the argon for force because if you go to the hospital we're done and like mom what what [ __ ] you okay we're done like I'm not gonna die like a learner she's like you're faking the infection like how do you fake an infection what do you walk into this [ __ ] was toys ahead yeah I mean she was fine I mean she might be very well listening to this if you are high and she was fine you know but that stuff was pretty messed up you know now is the only deal-breaker she's a perfectly great person well trendafil yeah right yeah but other than that she's a great murderer out of my favorite burgers I mean it is as far as murder goes yeah that's a good way to go yeah you know so what happened how did the relationship end I ended up I end up going to the hospital that night and she wouldn't stayed in hotel Wow and then like we like talked it out or whatever I'm like look if you move back in this is my body is my choice I decided what to do and she's like oh I can't believe how you've changed and like yeah but I don't know this is like the slightest molecule of self esteem that I found everyone hold on to it so you can either be with me like that or not you know and I'm not saying I'll lose weight I'm not saying I won't get ten times fatter I'm saying if I do it's my choice and then like that Friday she's like off work and she's like I'm coming home tonight and I'm like and she's like let's go out to dinner I'm like great there's this Chinese place I've always wanted to take you because no no we need to go to a buffet were you you tubing at this time no this is 2005-2006 so she's like you need to go to a buffet I'm like I don't want to go to a buffet I want to take you to this Chinese place oh you do real-life stuff I think no we had to go to a fair we're done I'm like okay when you get here your [ __ ] will be on the lawn once you got there it was on the line I called a couple friends over there uh well good for you I would she was gonna line my and like you know like he that's my version of the story I'm sure she has a fleet of reversion she probably thinks up a crazy piece of [ __ ] so it's hard to come it's hard to I don't know I don't know I've never told the story I don't know if she has a defensible position yeah I don't know man women are tough and then like if you look the way I look and you had the life that I had you're not gonna meet a awesome young lady like this one you you know you're gonna probably meet some crazies every once in a while I've met some really great everyone it's crazy that's every once in a while but I see what you mean that there's women who are attracted to people in your condition right yeah that wouldn't I wouldn't necessarily ever interact with with someone like that yeah and and yeah right and then again I think you know you gotta be careful especially dating right now I'm especially careful like if I have a girl over the house I'm like so this is a no-phone zone you know and here's a burner a good call here's a burner phone right here if you and I'm gonna let you put in your pocket and if you need to call 9-1-1 you need to call friend right there on that phone your phone stays in the car cuz I don't wanna be filmed yeah I don't want anybody recording the house and only the socks I mean really carefully you know and to be private and I want to make sure if I'm texting you I'm very careful when I text you want to do video chat I'm gonna make sure whatever I do is very very you know cuz I'm not gonna get what I yes shaycarl really went through the the works you know cuz he was talking to a girl or whatever yeah but he I mean he was feeling married and stuff and he was like mister of happy family right right and so like you know that but that girl dumped like everything he said and into the world and you just gotta like be super careful you know that story yeah I never actually IQ such as never met him I was like it's one mistake in that entire marriage to it's like the one time he he's straight even the tiniest bit which you shouldn't do every straight quite a bit as I understand well I think it was when it all just Tekken easy stuff it was like just talking to ass in here like nasty drunk like [ __ ] nasty but like there's some women and men out there who just like paying other people every Friday night and go home with her husband right you know and it's like he was I think it was the juxtaposition of mr. happy family that really that's what it was right right like you find out somebody else was like talking to a stripper after 20 years of marriage you be like that's kind of [ __ ] up but since it was shade mister hey yeah happy family that story was something man I gotta tell you I tell I like I was a great that was something it was weird man I've got so many like messed up stories I I just literally no end to them to be doing story time videos till I'm dead that is where that was that's one of my favorites man I've ever that one night on stream when I was like depersonalized or whatever I'd like to see what I'm curious and don't you don't have to answer because it is it's gross and it's personal I'm just wondering what position reverse cowgirl is the only thing that worked at the bicker so reverse cowgirls her ass facing you yeah damn yeah her pretty much stand on my toes my horribly misshapen terrible lymphedema of infested toes know what she was into but she was into it I mean if that's the only one you get that's not a bad one and then like Buddha was you know when I was with someone that's smaller like 550 500 then missionary works but that's pretty much about it mm-hmm and now I was with a girl I was on top for the first time with a girl recently we're still having to do like the edge of bad stuff and I swear to god she had to be like the open mind of this girl in the world cuz I literally had to like lift [ __ ] up and put it on her you're into it so thank you so you had sex recently since the divorce a couple times couple nice it's been it's been and it was missionary well it was we were using we're utilizing the edge of the bed Lupo okay and then I did manage to do a little bit of doggy I managed to walk you believe this re to my core audience because you guys are not used to this so sorry no this is okay so we're really gonna into this girl is like like straight up like it Arkansas ten but like an LA eight probably I mean oh so she does like she's good-looking what she look like I mean what's her what's her way she's about 110 I think she's having like some weight issues cuz like she she does like camming and stuff for a living oh [ __ ] and so she like you know they're always wanted to be smaller than you actually actually is great you really he's like I guess it turned out to be a rebound but like it was like she was really healing she was really like on board and she like knew my work and like I'm helpful and obviously it was it was a good experience that's gotta be motivating it was right then I'm like I saw her and then I like went on a few first dates and this first date start in the second dates and then I get to the third date and then sometimes we go back to my place until she would and it'll be like I was not ready for any of this I don't know like I don't want you to see me naked look at me she was into it like and that's the thing some girls she was happy with some girls I'll say that what she cried honestly don't care now she was like this she's fine she's uh yeah she's smart girl she's strong powerful smart girl for her age then they're shocked that just told is she what's the Haiti she will be able to legally drink soon yeah yeah it was bad man it's not bad she's illegal you're out there you're shaking your dick it was you know but that's fine you know look it was fine I don't know I can't believe I'm talking about that might I've never even talked about this might stream do what you do to me you just get this [ __ ] out of me man this is great this is cathartic this is interesting cuz you know well I I will tell you I wasn't making decisions I do not remember most of November any of December most of January part of Faber I like depersonalized I go back and watch videos that I made during that period of time I don't know what the [ __ ] is looking to probably things I write because I I just I I if I was ever gonna like harm myself that's when I would have done it if I was ever gonna eat til my stomach popped or something that's when I would have done it cuz I was in zero control but I talk to my friends and they're like oh you're just like really sad for a while and like you had us over every week and like we play D&D and stuff and you pet the dog boogie I love you that was great that came out really weird what I'm trying to do is cut to the second break and I'm very uh neligan and better but I love talking to you and I cannot wait what's a return to return to our conversation around I promise you no more sex stories it's no more stories well yeah okay there you go you guys have the scouts honor all right we'll see you guys soon after these commercials break wedding season is upon us and if you are a disgusting monster like me then chances are you probably don't even have a tux or a suit and you don't want to roll up like me and be the guy that's in a collared shirt and jeans at a black-and-white tuxedo wedding you do not want to be that guy take it from me but it's true based on true and recent events okay you want to look like this guy and you want everyone to be like 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shows you the view from the seat you know everything in advance you know the price it's incredible check it out boom post some alone tickets give it a shot he's on tour he's the best and what see kick it's so easy and fresh here's a hook-up that you're not gonna want to miss use code h3h3 for $20 off your first order that's a ticket folks that's a set price they're just hooking you up 20 bucks to go see a show on them seeking puts a 1 to 10 score on each ticket to let you know if you're getting a good deal or a bad one green means good red means bad simple as that every time I've used Sikhi I've had a great time because I knew exactly what I was getting myself into and I was always never disappointed it's the beauty of it just click the me tab on the app and enter code h3h3 for $20 off click the link in the description to download the app use code h3h3 for $20 off your first seat geek order I got to tell you guys you are not gonna regret it give them a shot you're gonna have a great time and you were gonna be using this app forever when you go see shows concerts sporting that's anything 20 bucks off thank you so much appreciate you guys let's get back into it [Music] welcome back to the experience now here's what's burning yeah yeah this is the experience I want the owner in here with buggy let's take some calls awesome yeah I just the people worried at home I want you to know I have checked my phone and I have no angry text from exo so either they're not listening and lawyers will call me later have some great stories yes feel bad that was this this is the real [ __ ] this was him and it was very you're going through it's interesting too it's it's interesting I I you know like normally have not shared it on my own space because I wanted to be very kind to the people who have shared their time with me and you want to be yeah but I feel like mostly stories I think they're ok they're generic I don't think yeah they're gonna be fine you'd never figure out who these people are right no no no how many how many 20 year old cam girls are there three in the whole world today one one follows me every day you get that spam you know yeah maybe they're verified or something you know and get a follow it's a girl right I think what happens is they hackers get a hold of verified accounts wipe it all put on a cam girl link and and be like hey sweetheart come watch me live deep that's gotta be one you know one of the most controversial things that have happened since the divorce got about a month after the divorce I followed a girl on Twitter mmm and like one of her photos and it turns out that she was like a cam girl I didn't really fully realized just that message me I followed her liked her photo and then that got shared in the feed because that's right when they introduced someone you follow likes a thing it'll get shared in the feed but the photo wasn't like nude or anything she was just wearing like a Jerrica right now this is on Twitter okay and but then people would like click that link and then go to her profile and it's all her like having sex ins oh thank you right and so I actually gently like shared something and they're like oh my god is that what is that person you know now that you're divorced I'm like not really I just like Harris you okay he was kind of keep me here's the thing these people though OS [ __ ] yeah and it does mean anything it's like yeah you're a lot to watch porn a lot of people don't you're no but a lot of people don't know that I did Web Design in the late 90s and when you did web design of the late 90s who are you designing websites where you're designing websites for girls who do porn you're doing it more like guys who really like run industry run like a what's the weirdest one you ever designed ah nothing that nothing right like I did one of the guys I worked with I built a couple front ends for him Donnie Donnie's girls I think was his website and then he ended up like deleting and all and became a very devout Christian preacher so that's probably the most interesting story right yet so it's not like you know but I mean you would you talk to the girls who do sex work and who cares like you do sex work for a living awesome that's great and I don't know like like some Christians like get upset about and that's fine because their Center if you don't like that that makes sense in this like some in cells and I don't like using that word but like some people who are not able to like you know get what they want with women they get like super mad about sex workers and like the slut-shaming of stuff why those are the girls who might [ __ ] you one day most of them still may not that's true right but the the girls who are willing to to do sex work if you've got money who knows you never know not that doesn't represent 98% of them there are hookers out there why are you mad at the girl who shows their body because at least you're getting to see their body why are you mad at the girl has sex on camera ladies at least they're having sex and you get to see it you're participating it in some way like what makes you angry about that I don't know I think it's that if they called that girl that girl's gonna say no but that's true of 99% of girls right well no I mean most girls aren't having sex with you just calm down right the insult phenomenon is is 100 that done recently originally meant someone even knew it originally meant like somebody who was physically or mentally unable to create a relationship specifically a physical one so it might be somebody with standing wheelchair paralyzed what does it stand for voluntary sellable yeah right and now it like they're just applying it to all the Nerds from out there well there was like an NFL subreddit that was like real nasty right and like and then there's like the the waffle a shooter was like part of that community was like part of the insult community right and self proclaimed when it's and that's when it really virally yeah and so like a lot of people are that moniker which originally meant just people who are physically you know unable right yeah right are like mentally unable to or just you know and now it's just like people who like don't want to put in the work to take a nice shower and put on some deodorant and like get a job here we got a call from Nathan he has a friend who was embarrassed to go to the gym I guess because they're overweight and he wants some advice of let's check in with Nathan hello how are you god bless oh hey guys how's it going Amy so what's the situation first of all like thanks for having me on hi yeah and yeah I'm so basically xxx ten Tachyon died man and I'm just really upset about that but the only wanted to say okay that is not related at all to the conversation but rest in peace to xxx yeah I've never heard of him that he died yeah and I got killed in like a gang-related shooting or something or I guess it was gang-related I personally sometimes people die and everybody's talking about it and sometimes I don't even know anything about them and this is one of those cases I went and listened to one of the songs was nice sad mmm I'm like oh man that guy was good deep like that's why I really like the style but it was a deep those good lyrics [ __ ] that's sad I really don't know what happened with that one but I will say they and in turn first ever we knew it was gonna happen we let's just say this is kind of an occasion that was our first troll actually so hey I knew it I knew it would be me too some guy is gonna like champion and on the subreddit that was somebody that was a troll thanks for calling us slightly but I was then I slightly cha ok I got a pic for I got a pic pick wisely now we got Eric here Eric's like I did this is real but now I choose to troll Eric lost 250 pounds on a vegan diet hell yeah that's America god bless hello so I didn't lose 50 pounds I was at 250 pounds and I've dropped to 200 okay he lost 40 40 large and over what period in February since February oh yeah that's good great so what's the deal that you are you are what are you here to sell us on veganism pretty much but I'm sold on the veganism all right all right I'm a vegan now he's not a done deal well that was great and you're crashing it back there I will tell you I know there's people in my group who are doing like the gastric bypass surgery recovery via vegan and it's all about the beans it's all about the protein and it works for them what do you I'm cured what do you eat mostly okay and all the chicken in the world what kind of how do you cook it tend to grill at home I mean a lot of chicken a lot of salmon too and tend to grill at home or grill some same at home do some asparagus on the side this is Russell sprouts that's right and that's like 80% when I eat and then when I go to these parties at like and YouTube's like would you like a lobster roll wrapping caviar I'm like well [ __ ] okay yeah all right that's fine but otherwise it's just like and what what do you weak to sugar so low and it it still makes me feel awful to do it but my brain is like ooh you remember when used to set down a birthday cake and it wasn't anybody's birthday yeah like happy birthday like no but then like I'll go to a birthday party and I'm like oh god I really want to slice a cake right or or you and you're not I like as your doctor has you you're not supposed to touch the stuff where you can be like I don't have a little body so they go in if you like a lot of really smart recovery stuff and they're like okay so you're gonna screw up right it's going to be fourth of July there's a cookout some of your favorite foods there and you're gonna eat because it's a holiday and you're surrounded by family and everybody's eating and you're gonna do it okay so number one listen your body listen to the surgery all right you're gonna get full way quicker than you so when you're eating bad foods when your body says we're full you stop okay don't you for pleasure that's right right so how has it been because I have a tendency of overeating Rick how has it been like listening to the sick it's great I thought it's gonna be the worst thing in the world I thought my body would my brain would say eat more eat more in my body would say we can't it's the opposite my brain is full or quicker and so they explain really physics behind it interesting so my stomach was the size of a football mm-hmm and the stretch receptors at that point on the stomach basically could never get triggered and that stretch receptor tells the brain on the top of your stomach this little nerve bundle on the stoppage stomach to tell your other brain to start producing the full chemicals in the satisfaction satisfaction chemicals I wasn't able to do that anymore but once they made my stomach real small the stretch receptors get hit really easy mm-hmm and so my brain gets triggered way quicker and it's like hey that was great man I really enjoyed that that's right credit and so it just makes it easy you just gotta listen to your brain you guys listen your body and stop listening to the addiction and you you'll be fine so when I do make a mistake and I do I go to a party and I'm just like you know what today or order the wrong thing off the menu I can't even it makes me a little bit ill I don't enjoy it as much as I used to unfold very quickly and it it's been a good checks and balances system so when you don't enjoy it as much does it also eventually become something that causes a real change like you're not interested in right when I finally let in and I'm like let's just do it and my brain is like why did we do that yeah and like you're right why did we do that and then I just don't want to do it as much than that so it makes it a little easier to say now are you getting tired of chicken kind of but I don't I'm trying to think of it as just fuel mm-hmm you know I'm just trying to think of that if you can really like click that in your mind and the thing that there a lot of my groups have talked about is you just got to think okay so today is fuel day today I'm just gonna eat the fuel that my body needs to go I don't I don't need to masturbate with my mouth which is basically what eating good food filter right right so you're giving yourself some pleasure in your mouth make yourself momentary pleasure that right amounts to nothing right or words and so I don't need to masturbating today but you know what on Friday I'll get laid on Friday I'm gonna go to the Walmart and I'm I'm gonna go to the [ __ ] the theater I'm gonna get the popcorn I'm gonna get the candy I'm gonna dump the candy in the popcorn I'm have a real good jerk-off session while I watch the Marvel movie and then Saturday it's back to fuel and that's how I'm trying to realign my image of masturbating in the mouth yeah doing roasts art analogy because it is this all about you but you put the cut candy in the popcorn you get a malted milk balls you don't yeah and like I can get the small popcorn and that's too much popcorn now which is great but a really UK national a small popcorn so what's the one that you pour in the popcorn what's the malted milk balls whatever you get like the whopper or the Maltesers or whatever it oh they're so good I've done that I did that doesn't it get nasty with your oh yeah it's a really gross you already getting butter you get chocolate that looks like you both jerk yourself off that's that's been my like I tried to socialize a lot a lot of my friends are fatties and so like we go out to eat and they're like order and all like the craziest [ __ ] and I'm trying to eat when you say fatty it's like like I know some for 500-pounders man and like I guess I think it's like I'm just a matter of like gravitational pole I think I think we don't really like each other it's just like we can't break this right but no like we're close friends and like I have my biggest friend I think is 550 I think he said and so he's where I was and like he's he's working on the process now and got a couple of friends here about my size now I got a couple friends are smaller and then I got a few skinny friends too but like what everybody likes to eat so and I reconnected one of my friends who I hadn't seen since I got married my ex-wife didn't like them so they just never got along so and we never saw each other and we started going out to the movies once a week and he actually got the gastric bypass surgery as well and got down to 350 to smallest and he's back up like 400 now and that's where he's just gonna be for the rest of his life I think you do you think like when you get the gastric bypass and you then you always lose a bunch of weight right if you start going up again is that almost like statistically here's exactly what'll happen you lose a certain percentage you'll get to your ideal weight they told me that wait for me be about 270 mm-hmm then I would put on 10% of my current body weight at that time so another twenty seven thirty pounds then that's where I will naturally be pretty much into London but never your bottom Ellis right so right but they're talking and and they're like look after that year and a half we're talking you need to be in the gym four hours a day mm-hm well you need to be killing it you need to be active you need to be a very very active person who doesn't sit down who doesn't do your job who doesn't you gotta be his are you need to start biking you need to start walking you start running you need to be in the pool you have to if you want to get smaller than that you're going to have to be as active as it comes and I want to be like after setting down for 20 years right and now that I'm up and walking again I'm up on my feet all day every day and you get me back in the swimmin pool I'm gonna be in there three hours a day I don't give a damn right up put on those little underwater earphones and all this in the shitty like [ __ ] mumble rap or whatever it'll swim on this podcast not come out was done and and I just man I'm just so tired of sitting there it's so tired of not doing things you know and sorry I feel like I hope I'm gonna be that guy I'm gonna try to be that guy do you know what's the percentage of people that like rebound very small I agree can you google it you'd be very surprised it's a really hard surgery to rebound you uh you because you're pretty much stuck on that that you know eight ounces of food ten ounces but some people might get as much as twelve once you get to like almost a full plate of food you're eating the wrong plate of food every day yet you will regain them you have like I ran a I heard of somebody I know who knows somebody that said that they had a gastric bypass yeah and they were at a point where they were just like chugging milkshakes because they couldn't eat a lot I actually know somebody who they were I don't know what Akal what it was that they just craved yeah this I know somebody who literally eight months after eight weeks after the surgery was eating ice cream for every meal because that was his favorite food and he did not do the the mental prep work first and if you don't do the mental prep work you're gonna fail well you're basically going to battle with a brutal addiction right and like that's that was the biggest thing like when my ex-wife you know at the the six eight week mark she's just like look I gotta do this I'm sorry and I love you and I'll always love you and it sucks and I'm so sorry to do this but this is how it has to be I've got people who need me I got [ __ ] I got to do I'm sorry so did she surprise you kind of out of the blue with that we had a couple years of the last two years was not perfect and what you know man I probably should never even say this publicly but I think she'd forgive me and even if she doesn't we're divorced now so I don't have to worry about it but um we're in a loop in which my anxiety was so bad that she was kind of walking on eggshells all the time because she was afraid of scaring me upsetting me hurting me hmm and that the way she reacted to my anxiety was very frequently with fight-or-flight and for her that mostly meant fight so I would become anxious over something and when I become anxious I'd become a little angry I'm a little edgy not abusive or any stretching nation I was like I need to focus on this right now I need to be left alone let me focus on this Yeah right and that would be enough to make her feel bad and then when she would feel bad she would become angry or upset or anxious or sad or whatever and so then that would make me feel more anxious and that would make I mean we ended up like this like I know exactly what you mean and so what we really needed to do honestly to save it about a year ago or a year and a half ago we needed to start intense therapy we needed to separate a little bit and not be asked codependent and find that space again between us and we weren't able to do that because she was my physical caretaker right so she we didn't have that option and that's that's just what killed it and like you can have every theory in the world about my ex-wife left and you're gonna have every theory in the world that she cheated on me or she's only there for the money or anything like that but none of it's true it all just really comes down to it sounds like it wasn't that my morbid obesity and and my more would have easily killed our marriage and my bad eating habits my she decisions that led me to that lifestyle it just killed a reg that's it and you know I could be as mad at her as I wanted to be but you know she could easily left in July when we first started to talk about it before I got the surgery leaving me to a point where I could have never got it yeah instead she she buckled down and she did her wifely duty and carried me that nice nice you're getting a lot of credit and right and I'm like nice you know and I'll be honest you know when she finally had to leave I was still recovering from surgery that's true and she gonna made another three to six months out have been great mm-hmm but she couldn't and that's fine she made it as long as she did and boy it was more than I think I deserve so I don't know it's it's hard to be upset because she told me do God's say she told me she's like you know one of these days you're gonna thank me freely and like [ __ ] you're full of [ __ ] mmm um but about three months ago I hit that point I was like you know she was right she's happier I'm happier I'm recovering still everything's going okay everything's going great for her and this is the right move and I'm glad that she did because all I ever really wanted if the first was for her to be happy okay I get emotional I'm sorry all I really wanted for her was to be happy and I'm like if you need to go then go I'm not gonna fight you on it let me cut you a nice big Chuck you just go and take care of your life and that's fine um and I wasn't worried about me I wasn't thinking about me I was just thinking about her and I think sometimes in a marriage maybe that's becomes natural to do that you know like I'm just moved mostly worried about the person that's worried about me mm-hmm I wasn't taking to account that she wasn't worrying about me anymore that she's you know pulling out but anyway um and then I discovered I was happy and I'm like wow this is really weird and I probably shouldn't be right now but I'm like up and walking and meeting people and hanging out and having new experiences and travel in the country and and making plenty of money and and have this wonderful audience is so dedicated to me and they're there for me every night on Twitter what I feel alone and there's every night whenever you know I I need that [ __ ] when I'm on stream and I'm just like what do I have to be pissed off about mm-hmm right like my life is really good and it's better than it's ever been yeah so [ __ ] it why be mad what's yeah what was the how was the was it like a 50% divorce kind of situation yeah that's that's how it works in Arkansas and and so like she's legally entitled to 50% of everything we own like stocks and bonds and whatever was that messy it really wasn't um we talked about it one day and uh you know and she agreed to stay like for another month to make sure everything was great and we gave it our best effort in that month to see what she'd be missing yeah and I mean we slept in the same bed we were very close to in that month it was great but one day we're talking about money and I'm like what do you want she's like I want what's right she don't she said she's like I want what's fair yeah and I'm like that's reasonable what is fair like do I give you a lump sum do you want alimony and she's like I don't know I don't think I want alimony I'm like well honey what's alimony alimony is where you you continue to pay after you're married because you owe or big right so like I think and she could have made an argument so the argument often for women is I need to maintain a lot especially if there's kids involved in there's no kids involved yeah but she could have also made the argument that she helped build the business sure and she never even attempted it and everyone ever played dirty right and like one day I was like you know even if you asked for alimony I am the business you can't on half of me and she's like that's a good thing I don't want it then huh hmm and she's like yeah I want enough to where I know I'm gonna be taken care of for a good while that's all I worry about mmm and I'm like okay so she gave me a number and I'm like but that's not half and she's like what do you mean it's not it wasn't half of what we were it was less it was less and so I talked to my lawyer and I'm like what do i do do I just give her that amount he goes you sure rounded up you just make sure it's you make sure it's half so she has no recourse moving for me just to be great and I'm like all right so that's where you asked where here's what you're actually getting it's quiet okay thank you I should never question it and like that's not what we're worth worth more let me show you the numbers let's sat down let me show you everything and then this way you're gonna get you do you own your house yeah so you're so you're factoring in like the value of your home right so I got the equity of and that we put into the house right and had to like there was all the liquid cash and stuff right and they're like when it came to like I have some money in crypto not a lot you know not one of these crypto crypto millionaires but I was like when we're doing mediation I'm like so what about the crypto she's like it's so volatile don't worry about it that's kind of true and I'm like okay for half a crypto and you're gonna be bright yeah and she's like it's so volatile don't worry about it you can keep that and I'll let that be your nest egg if it works out great have it doesn't--it okay - sounds like she was a real a real she really was man like it is Bora but and that's the worst part about it um she said something once she's like the key to doing this is just is to leave when I still love you mmm damn and I'm like but honey that's why you stay like that's what you fight for cuz we do love each other and it's just like I know that and but here's the thing it's not working right and and and love is not going to fix that right other it's just not gonna work and eventually we're gonna be better eventually are gonna be angry at each other eventually gonna be at each other's throats and I don't want to do that and you don't want to do that you can't survive that safe with schedules you're so let's not do that okay I'm gonna leave while I still love you and that way it can be good and we hit friends and we still talk you know that's really sweet I honestly and it's a girl was heartbreak [ __ ] I'm bus Oh hard for both of us oh I think harder for her at times you know because she's the one having to pull off the bandage I heard the pull off the band-aid god help her but she's recovering well and proud of her what's like how was the the process of actually getting divorce it seems so messy did you both have an attorney Oh quick and easy actually you guys had the rare right the rare beautiful everybody's yeah it was basically like we could have a waited 18 months um but neither was wanted to and so we went to our lawyer and we're like so you had one lawyer yeah so we don't the mediator okay and we're like so how do we do this quickly and he goes well she'll sign away her rights to appear in court she can go back to Michigan and then you know Cory you're nothing yeah you can you can be there for 30 seconds the judge will sign your piece of paper you're good and well like I sued her for divorce because it was just more convenient that way what's this whole thing about sue yeah that's the right thing you really information for divorce and you list your grievances right yeah and so the the grievance we went with in the state of Arkansas was there is an indignity that made the marriage not content not possible to continue and so indignities and like just like something like I guess if someone cheated on somebody or somebody physically beat somebody or something happened did it no nothing like that happened so the indignity when the judge asked me what the indignity was I said she asked for a divorce that's the indignities in dignity that I could not survive yeah she wanted to leave and I said for I have to defend me so much that I want to be divorced because she wants to be a divorce why does it have to be so you do that instead of Arkansas they don't what you're getting divorce in the state of Arkansas they don't you take your unions very [ __ ] seriously so like as I understand it and you can correct me if I'm wrong because you've been through it but like if a husband cheats on a wife she can sue him for divorce for an for for cheating and so she gets a better settlement right in the divorce right and in the state of Arkansas they told me that I did not want it to appear in front of a lawyer because the judges in the state of Arkansas start at 50% and then higher for the woman crazy right there like there without it over 50% for him see percent for women every time in the state of Arkansas that and she knew that surely if she consulted with a single lawyer he'd have been like we get again we can get eighty nine percent of what is worth it oh yeah that you have to be kind of vindictive to go that route yes or so to be like not only my leaving you but I'm gonna destroy you financially yeah I'm gonna take everything so how has it been losing 50% of your I mean well you guys were married quiet I don't say but like you you you you have 50% less was that like number in my head and most youtubers like spend this much on [ __ ] breakfast okay but I had a number in my head that if I get to that number in the bank account it doesn't matter what I do from then on out I'm taking care of it my current lifestyle for about 10 years okay and I won't live that much longer so I'll be fine I can get that number in the bank I will be fine and I got that number in the bank about two and a half months before the surgery mm-hmm and I'm like so now I'm ready for the surgery because even if I I can't work if I have a stroke here in that surgery of a heart attack and their whole business falls apart I'm okay for the next decade she's taken care of I'm taking care of the dogs taken care of in that's all I have to take care of in the world mmm-hmm ten years hmm and then I get through the surgery and then she's like so look I need to start a new life and I'm gonna need help doing it and I'm like [ __ ] so the good news is I'm killing it with brand manager with my brand manager I'm killing it with twitch that's all filling with YouTube numbers are down money is you're making here are you making more right now than you have ever previous oh yeah I'm making about 50 percent more than I made last year I'm just because before you weren't the right thing I wasn't physically able to do the job I was able to physically stream as off that I was able to physically travel I was gonna be able to do the pilots right that your business is doing well and so it's like it's weird because I look at the numbers on YouTube and everybody stresses over it right and I'm used to X number reviews and now I'm down about 20% views but it doesn't matter because even the had senses up for me a lot a YouTube red is up for me a lot and then the brand manager my brand manager you know he's how many brand deals do you do a month about four I'm gonna four so you do about as many in a podcast as I do in a month but yeah but well yes but I mean it's different because I think the rates are different when my share of the spot right then I do like most I push for CPA now because my audience is so incredibly engaged or is a lot more for YouTube channel that's a lot and it's just in my weekly show and just do a weekly show and and we drive home for solid once a month and it's all stuff that I actually use you know I'm advertising your company I will use it for a month before I'll talk about it and like you got to send me product you got to give me access to the service I'll use it for a month sometimes I pay for it so they don't know it's like a dummy account like you're interacting with people there and and then I'm like at the end of that month I'm like if it's good enough and I turned down more than I've said yes to I think at this point nice because it's always stuff that I know my audience will use yeah I agree to one thing one time that I didn't think was a good fit I really liked it was like a financial app and it was really helping me but a lot of my audience is like broke gamers right and there's don't have a lot of money that I have to manage and if they manage it it's how much is my xbox lives version this month right so I don't I didn't think there's gonna be a good fit and it turned out not to be a good fit great product not a good fit and that's the only time I've ever but when it works made it work yes it's where I push for cpa because my audience takes really good care of me and i only bring them you have cpa yeah i try to do the seafood bills every time that's interesting i wouldn't i would never choose to do that because right makes me feel like i don't like to be sure to explain the term for anyone means that cost-per-acquisition so it means boogie he makes money for every sign up so people come i guess there's two different ways of youtuber can do a brand deal one is that so every time someone kind signs up using his link he gets a certain commission right and about half of my deals are still still like just fixed pay from the spot fixed fixed I come will give you X number of dollars just to give this a shot on the video and then we're gonna sink or swim based on that and if we do better or do well enough it then will resolve a gamble for them but it's more for me it's more of the consistency and I frankly I think that there's a lot more to doing a spot than just the numbers right like if you go do a commercial on television these people have no feedback they have no idea exactly you roll a Toyota commercial drink Jimmy Kimmel who knows how many Toyotas you sold but it's about the brand recognition exactly so I think that when you're selling yourself CPA first of all sometimes CPA can make you more if Reta first right but I think that it discounts half of what you're really doing for that brand which I putting the name in people's brains since since this is your podcast I won't mention brand but I worked with one brand that was a super natural fit in fact we're filming a little something at VidCon this week and that go up probably next month but it was such a natural fit it paid like five months worth of my mortgage and just really it was like such a good if it was a hybrid deal too so they paid for the spot and then once you got past X number of sales they paid for like a CPA deal that's just stupid ly good it was like such a good natural fit it was such a good product and don't you hate this right this this whole sellout thing because when you find a good sponsor and yeah and in your case you're like my number I'm on a downswing right but I'm doing better than ever right that's so [ __ ] beautiful yeah it's great mio needs to be honest with you I thought my audience is going to rebel and they did when I first started doing brand deals because I was doing game based brand deals and I had a company come to me III you know because I don't want to talk about numbers because depending on the youtuber some numbers are huge some numbers are small but they came to me and they're like hey look if you like what you used to work for free here to do a mobile game shout out will you do our mobile game I won't pressure you to say but feel free to well it was is well no [ __ ] you don't hire I'm not going to good I wanna make anybody angry like some people is gonna sound like a huge number and other people is gonna smell like a small number but so that's where I get a quite a few mortgage payments out of it is it's enough to where I was like Jesus Christ really yeah uhm and so they're like I'm like what do you want we're on a 30-second spot out with a 30-second shout-out two minutes in to your gaming new series mm-hmm and I'm like Jesus that's like five times what somebody would normally pay you people are insane so any schism but the problem is it's a game and I'm a game critic and it's a gaming though show that's right conflict right and so right so I used to get flown up by Ubisoft all the time I used to get flown out by EA one of the work with you at some point used to get flown up by Sony and we were doing all these great deals they put you up at a nice hotel they take fire to the parties you gonna meet the game developers you have the best time in your [ __ ] life and then I can also here's a big fat check thank you very much for just talking about our game right but then when I talk about Playstation next week they're like is he being honest though mm-hm because he doesn't want to burn that bridge yeah and so they were like that I just I basically had to abandon it I thought I would never have another brand deal again but then I talked to somebody who worked with another youtuber I trusted that youtuber put in a referral and and then it's just been off to the races and that's awesome and the numbers just keep going higher and higher and and I think a lot of it's because I I don't know my audience is very engaged is such an incredible loving supportive audience I'm just shocked by it and everyday and then I get to meet them at like next week at VidCon even though last year's VidCon was a living hell for me we'll talk about that if you want yeah but you know I got to write the easier and we can talk about the who but uh but like getting to meet the fans man at e3 I thought it's gonna be able to do a lot more at e3 than I was gonna be able to but it turns out I just sat and shook hands for 45 minutes to an hour at a time and it's the best feeling in the world because my fans are so engaged I also met a lot of you get down on yourself a lot but like yeah your fan I agreed that your fans are super engaged yeah the last episode we did together is one of our most popular I was like two and half million views which is insane for a podcast right and this episode just right now in their live view thousand dude that's one of the top five I can't believe maybe even tossing three that's guys I I think there's a lot of people out there somebody said to me my channel last in the last year was like a [ __ ] slow motion car wreck they're like I couldn't look away and I don't know if you were gonna die in the car accident or your life was gonna get speared right I wanted to see how it happened man right and that's all up on the channel somebody wants to go watch me talk about my divorce in slow motion or talk about the weight loss or see me on a reality show yes and I'm like yeah I guess I get that but I didn't I didn't really want to be a spectacle but here's the thing if people can learn from my mistakes is they can learn from my divorce that they can learn from my surgery if they can fix their [ __ ] and and and at least not make the same stupid mistakes I made it's a life well-lived right absolutely yeah so I I don't I have no problems opening up as wide as I can and showing everything that I can if I'm just some like weird-looking freak show to you that's okay because at least you got a laugh out of it but if we find something here that's useful in your life that's the best feeling in the world right and that's what my fans were saying so I was laying in bed when I brought a friend with me to e3 and he says to me goes mm I said what I guess that's the number of pounds just today people have told you that they've lost really and I guess and that's just people said it and like you would even keep on tracking us no I was just trying to add it up and I think it's right about 2,000 pounds maybe 29 that's that's Finnick you know they like you what you're going through yeah and your whole journey is something this so many people are looking and you get to you get people who criticize rings like he shows that it's okay to be fat and I'm like that's the ice into my glances my messages it's so not okay look at this life that I'm leading and I can't enjoy because my fat yeah right I'm not a body positivity person and in that you should love your body but you should also try to change it for the better what is it that people misunderstand about being like morbidly obese right like you've been on that side you see how people react you're a reasonable same guy so like mmm like you're you're grounded enough to to comment on it I don't know what I mean I I think a lot of people I I think a lot of people don't really understand that someone who eats themselves somebody it's like a fifty pounds overweight they're lazy they like food you can write down several weight you're really lazy and you really like food right you get two to 300 pounds overweight something's [ __ ] wrong you might have an injury maybe or maybe you're eating to die yeah and you get two three four five hundred pounds overweight that's somebody who's been molested that's straight up I can tell you that everybody don't think that damaging or you just saying like it's almost it's almost exclusively noise I'm so surprised it's like 90 percent like studies about that I don't sure they're done I'm sure they are buddies like that somebody who's like carrying some real [ __ ] damage yeah nobody does that right nobody drinks themselves to a gutter why do you know what I did it what is it about you know the malla or what is it about the food that like I think I think when it comes to molestation I think the phenomenon is because you received sexual attention you did not want and so since we desexualize morbid obesity there's someone who's fat is on a track [ __ ] they they make a either subconscious or even conscious choice to make themselves unattractive and I've seen studies like that seen books write about that and I think I think I think that's a very real possibility I don't think that's what I was doing I think I was just trying to eat to die I was just suicidal and I'm like this is they would tell me when I was like 25 they'd be like if you keep eating the way you eat you'll be dead at 30 and I'd be like awesome there's a buffet on the way home some are [ __ ] hit that [ __ ] because I would like to be doing that conscious about yeah it's like straight up I was like that's awesome news thanks doc I appreciate you I'll see if I can get that done was there a point where you're like wait a minute I want to live yeah like 35 36 and the the YouTube thing started taking off when I feel audience yeah like I met a girl that I really liked that I thought I was gonna be with forever and I'm like I know together man like holy Sh I have an opportunity to find an audience exactly yeah I found an audience and they cared about me and I had friends that cared about me and a girl that cared about me and I'm like this is a real chance this is the thing I've been holding on for this is the thing I was hoping for this is the thing that I kept telling everybody else like you know when I talk to somebody else's suicide I'm like just wait just wait and see something good luck yeah just wait and see and then that that thing happened and I'm like holy [ __ ] they were all right I waited and here it is now I gotta get my [ __ ] together and it still took me seven years to get the guys how [ __ ] up I was it still took me seven mm-hmm and I'm still a 400-pound man so I still have a shitload of things to fix you know but I'm on the process what kind of activities are you doing now that you're enjoying now that you can like never you know a year or two ago I mean Quoddy sex got way better no not having a lot of it but what the quality went over that yes just walking the dog was one of the first big achievements and you know just being able to take him around the block a couple times and and then hide the other day after starting physical therapy I've been out for about four weeks and I got out of bed and normally when I would get out of bed it's set immediately down and I would just sit there and grunt while I waited for my muscle relaxers to kick it and stuff but the dog wanted outside so I let him out back and I noticed he'd taken a toy outside so I went back to God get it I leaned down to pick it up and I picked it up and I was like my brain goes oh no no no we shouldn't be leaning over mm-hm and I'm like no we're fine though and then I was leaning over it was simple I yeah so I let him in the house and I led the dog into the house and I sat down on my chair I'm like I'm more uncomfortable setting than I am standing right now what the [ __ ] is going on so I stood up I started my physical therapy exercises I had no pain killers that had nothing and I started walking around the house I did a couple of chores and started a little laundry and then sat down and like huh that's weird so it's like it the big stuff is great you know going to Disney maybe this weekend and then being able actually enjoy it or or being able to walk up on stage without feeling embarrassed or or looking in the mirror not throwing up except when I look at my terrible teeth but um you know like that stuff but it's the it's the little stuff it's just the tiniest little quality of life things you know it's just something that you still look forward to like you're like man if I could just do this one little day i buy clothes off the rack one day yeah that's it's gonna be a while you know I still use like the only place I could find the head clothes my size as a place called king-sized rack mmm they still sell like 9x clothes 9 X 9 X is what said to you I'm wearing 4x everything now yeah 4 X's are a little tight up top so the I brought a lot of my larger shirts to VidCon this is like a 6 and look at it it's a joke you know but I I feel like a little self-conscious in the the upper region because of the old man tits those aren't going away anytime soon so there's gonna be a period of time I'm shaped like a dick you know but that's fine do you feel do you feel like people hate fat people oh yeah straight up and you ever felt like just like pure like animosity from people they had absolutely and I mean not just like I mean plenty there's like plenty of internet people but every if you're on the internet you get used to him hated right there yeah um but they're people in real life I went to a Walgreens in the middle of the night one night and I was like fighting off a cold so I got like some more shoes and I got some cold medicine and I got a chocolate bar and I tell the guy I'm like hey man how you doing night he said I'm doing all right it's tough night I'm like yeah I'm sick of [ __ ] because yeah a lot of people are right now some of them not by choice and he said that as he's ringing up my candy bar and I'm like [ __ ] dude like [ __ ] you I have the [ __ ] flu you can't tell me like [ __ ] you you say anything yeah like I was like hey that's cool man I suck I talk to your manager I go for what and what you know what I'll wait at home I'll call and I call the manager and the manager took that guy side he's like he's like sir you are very obese and I'm like it's not how I expected this to go so I guess I'll just hang up that's crazy all right you know I one time was in Memphis Tennessee and it's right after that theater I was dating was convinced me that it would be okay I can't shop at Walmart dearly but I want you to go to the wall or I think they have motorized scooters you need to use them I can't physically I don't you know I be comfortable in those things I don't know they can carry me let's try it this is like second time ever trying one of these things that a guy gets behind me it's got like his shitty old flip phone from 2005 but he's like following me behind he's filming me and he's like look at this big [ __ ] look at hide never seen nobody this big we got a big this mother fundraise II write good and but I get it to some extent because you you perceive it as gluttony and you perceive it as selfishness and you perceive it as laziness and you perceive it as because they don't all these terrible negative trait I don't relate at all to what you're actually right you don't perceive it as coping one day you don't wait that's because they let themselves go for a week you know people don't perceive it as coping they don't perceive it as dealing with the molestation they don't perceive it as addiction they don't perceive it as that right and that's true of homeless people a lot of people find homeless people contemptible you know you look some of the numbers and they say that you know actual homeless people not necessarily you know your your guy on the street corner with a cell phone in his hand you know but like the actual people in New York who's sleeping a [ __ ] gutter most of them have mental illnesses in course so we think of most disgusting dirty people that's the thing a lot of people just don't not very good at empathy I'm not that great I don't honestly so I can't blame them it's tough you know it's hard to think about anybody outside of ourselves but hey I think if you really ever sat down and talked to a person who sighs you'll understand where they're coming from and there's plenty of people out there doing me a great [ __ ] disservice by like all this hell that any sighs [ __ ] [ __ ] like seriously [ __ ] well the these these are like as predominately like plus-size models who are like don't don't tell me like that being fat is unhealthy or they'll say stuff like that or this or that being fat is is beautiful or whatever are overweight and there are people out there who find fat very beautiful and that's great and you're right you are beautiful to some extent and you're still another person and that is beautiful and that's all great but understand that what you're doing is absurdly unhealthy yeah they're damaging your organs your damage your bones you're gonna suffer tremendously in your late 30s early 40s and you'll be dead by 50 so the whole healthy at every site well it's like almost oxymoronic like healthy at every Sun now it's like it's just not a thing it's just not a thing and I'm sorry do they really believe that I I don't know I honestly don't know I think there's there's a certain amount of self delusion you have to go through to be a certain size and to do that stuff and maybe there is some level of that I'm all for body positivity to some extent I'm all for others yeah the difference between me and like I'm healthy at 400 pounds and like please don't film me right right and they're like if you're 500 pounds and you're like you know what I want to change but I don't hate myself mm-hmm I think that's a very positive right yeah but if you're 500 pounds you're like I love being 500 pounds of 500 pounds as who and what I want to be and I don't give a [ __ ] about the health ramifications I don't give a [ __ ] about the fact that I'm dying I don't give a [ __ ] about it that's not healthy yeah that's that's crazy you're being crazy stop yeah you know it's I don't know it's tough man it's it's I it's fine most people are empathetic most people are kind you got to concentrate them on the the healthy people especially as a youtuber or anything you do in life at your job whatever you know at school whatever you're dealing with there's gonna be plenty of people in this world who don't like you oh yeah I mean the mass majority of people will never know who the [ __ ] you are or give a [ __ ] yeah there's gonna be a small number of people in this world that give a [ __ ] about you you got to concentrate on the people who give a [ __ ] about you that's the only people that matter right somebody [ __ ] despises you or hates you or [ __ ] whatever they don't like the way you do your job they don't like the way you create content they don't like you as a person there's a family member doesn't like him [ __ ] him his third problem deal with it kill your [ __ ] problem it's not mine I'm gonna be me yeah I'm gonna love that people who love me that's great any Chet any Chet said if you don't so let's let's talk about VidCon last year whoo the great notorious Anita sarkeesian and I got [ __ ] from both sides I got [ __ ] from Anita selection let's let's let's set the let's place the setting so so what happened last year I get invited to be on a panel for cyber bullying which is a topic I talk about quite a bit right and my premise for cyber bullying has always been very simple doesn't matter who you are you put yourself out there you're gonna catch it mm-hmm when a woman says I catch it worse than you I say probably but you know what we're both getting it so we should both work on it when a person of color since I get it worse I say you're probably right but we're both getting it yeah and we should both work on it so your point going into that panel I mean people knew that was your position right that's spoken and I think VidCon knew and they asked me to be on it is that I am here as a person I'm gonna repeat the thing that got me in so much trouble mm-hmm but here I am setting in a place of perceived privilege I am straight I'm white I am male mm-hmm and you guys think that makes me bulletproof right but it doesn't yeah because I've had people show up my front door to say nasty [ __ ] to my face mm-hmm and I've had to send boxes of [ __ ] to my front door I've had him send black dildos Macchio boxes boxes of shits by little actual boxes of [ __ ] what did you open it tell me about he sent it to the wrong address they hit the wrong address got leaked so is my friend's house and he's like hey you got this in the mail brought it to me handed it to me I open it up and there's a box of horseshit and they're like [ __ ] you for Xbox or something like that I think is Xbox related and somebody sent me like a 12-inch dildo to the PIO box it's like now you can finally satisfy your wife enjoy consummating your marriage with this thing yeah people are frightening and so like you deal with that [ __ ] and I do not doubt for a second that plenty of women get it worse yeah no and I don't not for a second that a person to call you say that to me I believe you got a reason not to believe mm-hmm that's fine but I i point on that panel is to say if you're a straight white man you're in this audience and you think you're immune to it get to my level of notoriety and you'll get [ __ ] too well it's a good point and because they're all about inclusion right right there but now on what inclusion sometimes results in is alienating right the majority of the population which are you know you get what is great white males for example yeah and you get a lot of what you call the oppression Olympics right like no I have a worse know I have always know I have worse yeah how about this the human condition [ __ ] sucks the world we've created a [ __ ] show social media is [ __ ] destroying all and we just work on that at a base level and maybe we don't exclude the straight white men who also could help how about we don't exclude anybody how about we got us work together yeah let's just do that yeah that was my goal corner that panel and Anita in my closing statements that's basically word-for-word what I said and then we got offstage and she puts her finger in my face and she's like I don't forget appreciate what you [ __ ] set up there knowing I didn't have a chance to [ __ ] respond and I'm like it was closing statements everybody got a chance to come they went to you next immediately I don't understand well like what I originally told his site she's boiling yeah actually straight-up furious all right all right now that this goal probably bullying but I mean she's mad I mean she's got her finger in your face how dare you just agree with me I'm like look I have diagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder I depersonalized during moments of great stress learning a lot of pain that panel is very hard on me your now it's you know got your finger in my face we need to back off for a second because I might say or do some stupid [ __ ] and I don't want to do that okay so why don't we talk about this right what were you afraid of doing I don't know this is firing back but my note finger at her face screaming I don't want to speculate it had a woman who's you know a quarter of my weight I don't want to hurt anybody I don't - screaming anybody yeah you know and I think a lot of people misperceived that is we don't want to scream at her because she's so powerful no I just she's a fellow human being I don't ever want to be caught on video much less actually screaming in the face of another person I don't ever want to reciprocate if somebody's mean to me I don't wanna be mean back right but I will do that when they do personalize cuz I'll go into fight or flight and then I'll let go and then I will call her every name in the book I want to do that yeah and so I'm like can we talk about this somewhere safe and she's like yep so we go backstage and I talk to her for an hour and here's what I will say and I think this is the thing that got me in more trouble than anything I think Anita sarkeesian's goals might be genuine and I know that's hard for a lot of people do you have to accept that oh I think a lot of people feel that she's like a con artist and they that she's like just drifting maybe we should explain who she is she's like how would you describe her she's like a video game journalist right and rezzak and she had a series called feminist frequency and she took like a bunch of GoFundMe money or something like that to build the series and there's like before she made the series she said some things like I'm not a gamer I don't like video games yeah I didn't like she was a you know now she's like she's really good at waiting install for this stuff that I've seen her do was like really trashy misleading stuff like she's walking through like a hitman game and murdering stripper right which is like not what you're supposed to do right and then she's like look how misogynist this game is you're murdering what strippers right and it's like well that's what you chose and she's bright and she would very frequently like show stuff like that the brilliant wait but the to a gamer who's knowledgeable that seems very misleading yeah there's plenty of stuff that you could show that actually might represent that point why are you choosing this and I think a lot of that had to do with the writers and that she may not be that versed and stuff like that that's all fly anyway she's very controversial controversial and I would say known for for being quite right and a lot of her those kind of a lot of people do not find her to be genuine specifically for reasons like that and having spoke with her for about an hour well and her point is that she's a feminist so she thinks that like there's a ton of misogyny in video games right and that's like it were six that and like she would take like some of the weirdest battles like miss pac-man negatively reinforces female stereotypes because she's the missus version of a male character and like what the [ __ ] like I don't know anything that man with a [ __ ] bow right you know on but most people agree with like some of her base points like hey should there be an equal number of female protagonists as male protagonist sure why not okay why not so my favorite game star female protagonist let's do that more female protagonist should they be sexy sometimes sure and sometimes not that soaps okay who gives a [ __ ] yeah whatever you want to do like you're the game designer make a cool game you know but like I think most people would agree with her so she's this controversy is only a point to make it just like it depends how you do it right and that's and I think that's her biggest issue yeah her methodology is is is very not right it's so it maybe not even that it's so combative he's opposite of what I did right really breaking through he's more like divisive I've always believed in boiling the Frog right like I've always believed hey we should have same-sex marriage I love same-sex marriage let's do it but the problem is we try to get it done right now there's gonna be a huge backlash okay so let's let's try to do it in 20 years in 10 years and let's see if we can avoid the backlash right let's just like slowly methodically change minds I've always been a big fan of slowly methodically changing minds because I don't like it when gay people get killed I don't like what somebody gets murdered for being gay so let's not rile up the [ __ ] crazies okay let's just go slow and easy mm-hmm her methodology is to rile up the crazies get right in the face but a finger in their faces I don't like [ __ ] what you're [ __ ] saying and that's fine um but I think I think after talking to for an hour she on some level definitely wants what best and doesn't understand that our methodology is very poor mm-hmm and maybe she's wrong about that and that's entirely for your audience society that's for Ohio's decide that's fine here's what I can say I came out thinking I just kind of feel bad for her because I think that she you know wants to build something great but it keeps knocking it down herself every single time and I'm just like okay I don't really have a bone to pick with this moment anymore because I just kind of feel like bad and she hopefully she'll figure it out you know hopefully she forgot how to get an audience so she'll figure out how to keep an audience and hopefully she'll figure out something that's very difficult to do which is change people's minds right and so I told her in this conversation is my favorite conversation I had with her I've said something in there it got you in trouble which part oh maybe I missed I said I said that um just even recognizing that it was a straight white male and that not that I personally perceived that gives me privilege but that I was trying to say you guys perceive that it gives me privilege right that's the label you put on me right I don't know that it really provides that much relish for me where was it when I was homeless where was it when I was growing up in poverty I don't know I don't know what I was doing for me then but okay if you believe that know that it doesn't make me bulletproof on this so anyway during the conversation whether we talked about a great number of things probably the most frustrating thing she said to me she said Steve people the reason you still get that kind of hate whereas straight white man would not it's because of your morbid obesity that's what they're attacking and like no they're attacking me as a person come on like attacking me as a person we all read we all catch it right but again I don't know why she wanted to minimalize me to that but I was like I find that very well because she's playing the oppression Olympics right he's like yes sure you get bullied I'm like I find that very minimalizing and I use it it here's the thing yeah if you're telling me that straight white male is a magic bullet then that should provide that should me from having that problem right no matter how morbidly obese I am it looks that right we even say straight white male skinny yeah is it straight white male yeah and that does not make me bulletproof so I don't know what to tell you I mean it's a frigate but we said yeah we had we have yeah we said some good stuff too and she said some some pretty cool stuff and you know I think it wasn't all bad but she she's she's like what kind of audience do you have I saw you meet you met with Sargon yesterday I'm like yeah I talked to Sargon once a woman it's not a terrible guy I kind of agree with muscles [ __ ] he says sometimes but that's fine think people like her that's just not good as like you said how she just it's so much like them versus us right yeah I mean I'm so really not like right so she's like like I'm sure even if she sat down with Sargon they could probably work out some difference and that's the thing I'll say my methodology a lot of people don't agree with it okay here's the thing I got an hour alone with Anita sarkeesian you think Sargon said we're gonna get an hour alone where she she sat down and talked to me for a full [ __ ] hour and listened to me and heard me out and I'll tell you dismissed everything I had to say but that's it listen she listened Sargon's never gonna get that sounds like I caused you so much stress so bad even right now it was like I thought ruin everything it sounds like all you gave is just another perspective look at a topic you're like here's my perspective just right and you know like I don't put any of it on VidCon um and I don't put any on Hank I don't put it on any of those guys there was a bit some fallout like I remember even VidCon tweeting about there was all kinds of that whole panel was [ __ ] was surrounding her was dramatic oh yeah or the day before Sargon showed up and said in the front row and she decided to basically address Sargon being in the front row and called him a bunch of names and stuff which I don't know you know I don't think that was right to do I would have never done that just play it cool man essentially alright but she did that she's like and this [ __ ] right here and [ __ ] that guy I'm like whoa why I think the high road for who are you teaching a moment to there so do you know a conversation she's like what is your audience like I bet it's a bunch of a bunch of gamers it's a bunch of those conservative gamers I'm like well consider very honest with you I did a poll right after the election and about 20-some percent of my audience could or did not vote and about 30-some percent of audience voted for Hillary hmm and about 30 percent of my audience voted for drama and she's like doesn't that [ __ ] disgust you and I'm like it's pretty much right it's almost thirty thirty what it yeah that's a that's a Democrat but that's just a sample of the population I'm like that to me is a tremendous triumph that means my message can be heard by anybody and I'm like this need us to that everyone that watches you doesn't agree with everything you say I'm like Anita when you talk who listens people already worried with you though quite right yeah but when I talk who listens people who may not agree with me right and so I I lean moderately left just slightly to the left right and and so somebody who's far right hears me say something that's moderate then they might move closer towards moderate yeah and then Anita you can pick them up from there and take them all the way to the goalposts but that's not for me to do because I don't give a [ __ ] about your goal post that's your goal post right I give a [ __ ] about the logical sane middle and if I can bring somebody back from either side and I get it if I pull somebody from your team back towards Center that's bad I understand that but I'm bringing back people towards the logical thinking metal when I talk about the stuff and I think that's where we all need to be because that's how our country works right mm-hmm agreeing to disagree kindly and sweetly and and and then battling into the courts battling into the polls that's fine so we're supposed to do it not in the [ __ ] streets the way you are doing it people are getting [ __ ] killed in charlottesville what are you [ __ ] doing what are you [ __ ] doing yeah and I know that's yeah so I thought my career was over after the last VidCon I thought I was just done it's my the people on the Left were [ __ ] mad at me the people the riot were [ __ ] mad it's like yeah well you know here's the thing the people in the middle we're like oh no he's right that's cool and that's 90 percent of us yeah you don't hear them this happened to me so many times we're like people get mad at me it's inevitable and Nazi dog Whistler Eden apparently I'm a [ __ ] a neo-nazi all right er yeah Israeli right well no G Israeli Jews you can't there's nothing more Nazi on the work in the world I know don't you know yeah so you're like a war trophy I come on right um well no people want any rate that's a hold everything but [ __ ] was I talking about the thing is you you hear all the clamoring and all the everyone who's so pissed comes like gone to all their communities into your feed right and they all they're all there supporting each other and up voting and liking and you and you feel when you look at it like oh my god everybody [ __ ] hates me very stuff what's the real truth is that it's just like all these [ __ ] people that are just so riled up and when they go away after a couple days the other 90% or more that weren't really right didn't really [ __ ] find it to be that big of a deal at all then they're the mass more yeah a mass majority people robbed them 98 percent watched 8 percent of the video like I agree with this or I disagree like yeah whatever that was entertaining yeah and then they watch the next video yeah and then they like go to these when you have how many more like 4.5 million but I only have like a couple hundred thousand but those are people that know who you are yeah so 10 percent of that you know is 400,000 people yeah so at that level 400,000 people which is only 10 percent who were really [ __ ] angry at you seems like the whole world's angry at you right but then when they disappear you realize it's especially like people on on on an empower like some of these journalists I already got was like thrown under the bus by a journalist from The New Yorker recently because I said something that I wasn't particularly proud of on Twitter and and when I went back to read the message it sounded very very wrong but in context with the other tweets that went with it it was fine but when they isolated that one thing I loved that dog by the way he's such a surrogate Sammy since I've been there such a good boy but like when in that one taken out of context and then put into their contacts because they quote retweeted and and they're only doing it because like they get extra followers from it they get like then people investing like oh he's so right he's so woke he so whatever and they have like no interest in seeing my point of view or seeing what it is I'm trying to say perfect example the Roseanne Barr thing I think you had a little trouble so I don't want to bring that up but I said that racism is the web where did it's an incorrect way to worse and I said racism has a place in its calm in comedy um when I meant by that maybe racial trope right that's what I mean I was not even necessarily that I think the way Dave Chapelle he talked about Rick the black white supremacist sketch is one of the most amazing sketches of my life and it's so educational so so I open what do you mean he's nothing but limit you and I don't necessarily think Roseanne Barr should be calling people plan of the eight monkeys and [ __ ] that's fine [ __ ] but what I am saying is there is a way to approach that topic that is useful that is interesting that is knowledgeable and it shouldn't be a taboo topic that you can never touch well Roseanne Barr did was not funny mm-hmm and I should know better yeah but make it funny make it interesting make it educational make me learn from it and I love the topic of race and when the the boondocks in it or when Richard Pryor did it or any Murphy did it or or Dave Chappelle and I know these are all people of color so I'll even go to say early Lisa Levin le her her very very racist humor was interesting sometimes because it was always in favor of people of color hmm and I feel like even a bigot who's listening to that gets a positive feeling I think it's like maybe she's right maybe they ain't so bad right and that has a place right and so I don't know but I got a lot of trouble I like a couple sponsors rattling cages and they're like oh that's a bad statement I don't like what you're saying there and I'm like I get that I'm not defending Roseanne and then I go okay all right that's just you know sometimes I've learned sometimes you just gotta [ __ ] I'm talking for myself of course just well I heard Howard Stern say this I thought it was great he's like just sit down and shut up nobody needs your [ __ ] opinion all the time right and that was the problem I made I just I I saw something and I rattled off a statement that I came I did I later disagreed with because whatever right because I [ __ ] I think that I know what I'm talking about I get the information and I just I'm like you [ __ ] this but it's like nobody [ __ ] asked for your opinion dude just shut up and sit down and then but then you but then you go back on your opinion you know you change you can change your opinion but you already said it I know that's the problem that's all the matters and that one time at work right educate but now that you're educated that still follows you write 20 yeah and then people are like you make an apology and people like you ladies worse it's even worse your [ __ ] [ __ ] you piece of [ __ ] Louis yes JW's well it wasn't that it was the people who are mad originally it was proof that you know fudge is not good and I was just saying did you know that's you know my initials are my initials are my name is Steven Jason Williams I'm the original SJW I was putting that into practice bucking high score screens that's [ __ ] before people notice that I saw they saw my III match but yeah that's the thing like I don't know we always get judged by like those one stupid thing we've ever done the one stupid thing we said and that's the case we're all gonna be found pretty shitty right that's and then people try to overcompensate because we all know we've made a stupid mistake right so we're trying to be super whoa queer extra walk I'm my name on Twitter is not buggy 2:19 it's boogie killed the Nazis two nine eight eight why I don't understand that [ __ ] is am i what I've learned and what I'm trying to implement is just like to be more thoughtful before I speak cuz I've always had a problem where I just I have to talk too quickly and I need to [ __ ] just shut up I haven't and say something like in a way that I can stand behind it I don't take ambien but I do have that you know personality so that post-traumatic stress disorder and I do D personalized or disassociate or whatever you call and I'm not making smart choices most of the time I do that and so some of the worst things I've ever said on Twitter some things that got me the most trouble I own it still still mine just tell me yeah even I was on ambien I still did it I have to pay the price free that said some of the stupidest [ __ ] I've said are miss worded or made of misinterpret all I said it when I wasn't in the thinking frame of mine well I like in the talks in a case of what you said you said there's a place for racism I know what you meant obviously that is not worded well there's not what I meant no it's not yeah I'm not saying you should treat black comedians worse than white comedians that's not what I'm [ __ ] saying people how are you getting that from it I'm not saying that a white comedian should make jokes about black people and how disgust that's not something I'm saying you should ever [ __ ] do I'm not saying the black people are discussing are awful I'm saying that's what the comedian would say Jesus Christ it's it makes you neurotic it makes me [ __ ] neurotic it really does and when you took a week off of social media I was like oh god it's gonna be so [ __ ] nice it was it was it was great and I still kind of kept it in a way I don't check it as much good I haven't but I need to I check I'm I'm off I've pretty much off Twitter and Instagram for the most part like I'm not like before I was like I have to post every day right to like stay to keep up right what I'm I'm like off I try to post and not even look at some of the responses I love my audience responses and I try to but the very first negative one I'm like am done yeah that's what I don't even want the first negative one right because ignorance is bliss I do something that the late great John vane totalbiscuit had trouble with this entire life is I seek the negative we all do there's like a forum that exists out there that's just dedicated to making fun of youtubers hey can you grab shredder most [ __ ] up subreddits and I like find the people who hate me and I'll just read this [ __ ] there's one there's one redditor I swear to God if if I if I ever get shot in the head this is the guy he's the guy oh god he sounds like posting literally every day about me to 1015 times a day it's insane it's insane that's and the [ __ ] he's saying is like straight crazy Oh God alright we are nearing two hours oh yay we zipped and zapped through this so I want to close up because the first time we didn't get the chance to ask you this but this is kind of a segment that's popped up since the last time you were here a year ago do you have any ghost stories or Perry did the ghost story it's what I think one of you yeah I talked about meeting the ghost of my mom right it was so we talking about it and we were like no that segment didn't exist then no [ __ ] now give me some good at this part here's what I will tell you to the people at home okay a little bit late let me give you a second to think okay those of you out there who've been watching me fail I have tread water and I have drowned and I've sucked in more water than I spat out it's been a shitty seven years on YouTube I've done some stupid [ __ ] and I got to tell you if someone is dumb is me you can get their [ __ ] together if someone is lazy and has [ __ ] up and like with all the damage that I've got carrying around all this baggage you if I can get my [ __ ] together if you're listening at home know that you can get your [ __ ] together and and I probably will not always be successful I am very aware that I might not lose every pound that I want to lose I might very well die of a heart attack sometime next year I don't [ __ ] know I don't know how this story plays out here's what I do know I'm having the time of my life I'm studying with two of my favorite creators in the world right now I got a cute little puppy right here I'm gonna go meet my fans tomorrow they're gonna shake my hands I got to go to e3 got to meet Kojima I got to meet some of the best game developers in the world I got to sat down with the folks at CD Projekt RED who are making cyberpunk and and when they did the intro for the demo they said what's up ladies and gentlemen III they did my YouTube it right like I'm I'm living and if I I thought this was gonna happen five years ago seven years ago ten years ago I never thought I would dug my way out of this hole and found some joy and maybe you won't experience the same things I'm experiencing but you'll experience some joy right so just get your [ __ ] together and and don't make the stupid mistakes I made of just waiting to die or fighting to die like I saw a Fight Club and I just made the stupidest decisions I was like No am I really trying to hit rock bottom I'm not I should really try like I made this as I made that conscious decision after seeing that movie in 97 or whatever um just don't be that guy just just in the right if I get my [ __ ] together you can get your [ __ ] together and you deserve it way more than I do so they would god bless that's beautiful come back in here look like there's a new [ __ ] we should do this in a year yeah and I'm glad we circled back yeah I am too this was awesome I when I said here last year and I was talking big I said to myself I'm gonna do it but I wondered for well mm-hmm and I did you did Multi nightly and I can't wait for next year I want to see even you're gonna be another [ __ ] another hundred pounds now that's been surgery and hopefully up and running and I'll probably never be a skinny person I'll never I'll never be as as tiny as is shredder down or even is you I'm you know if I died tomorrow if I if I if I went to my hotel tonight and lay down bed and didn't wake up it was a life well-lived I'm very happy with that but I'm looking forward to coming back next year and talking about all the other hookers I've banged or whatever well we're all rooting for you thanks man I appreciate it man in your support I'm you know people don't know this but I talked to Ethan right after the divorce I talked to you I talked to so many creators the YouTube community so many people in and the other side of it the the the fans and you guys carried me through this I mean you know I heard from you and dm's I heard from DeFranco I heard from Hank green I heard from Jon I heard from tulane Community College and I don't even know who he is but if you like magic content check him out he was one of the closest friends I could ask for and Wedge who's another creator who's currently just got out of back surgery go check out his GoFundMe he needs her help but just like I couldn't believe I felt when that month and a half before I could tell anybody mmm I felt so alone in that month I spent separated mmm I felt so alone I had my friends but it was tough because I couldn't even really talk to them about it yet mm-hmm but the day I made that video and then you reached out and Hank and DeFranco and Jack and just God truth is we all know how [ __ ] it is so I think we all support each other especially like on a personal level yeah well I think when I was depersonalized when I was when I was was going through that I can't remember things I said and did you guys carried me through it the audience the soliciting right now at home you guys carry me through it and think I would have been successful without you I don't think I'd pulled anything off without you guys so thank you I can't wait to see you next year buggy yay thank you everybody for watching and check out his channel if you have more obviously buggy yeah you go see some real melodramatic show dropping tomorrow I think you're gonna be super sad but it felt really good to get off the chest and if and when you listen to the stories don't feel bad for me that's not what I'm interested in I'm interested in you realizing if I can survive that you can survive anything so god bless hey guys thanks again this was a great this was this was so fun I just want to give a shout out to everybody on YouTube we hit 40,000 yeah crazy man thankful that's so much that's just a blast guys next week we have Chris D'Elia coming on Friday at the usual time right then that's right and though I didn't hear you but maybe they did and the week afterwards we've got Bo Burnham I'm so jealous I thought it was gonna be really great and I got it then I got and shreddies trying to get out then I get to go see his movie I think I'm dying we're seeing a screener on before why is it a 10:00 a.m. because I might set 10 ago mine 7 that night we're seeing it before he comes on but I'm excited I'm so excited I can't I can't it says that the movie looks amazing it's getting really good reviews and I I'm actually such a bobo new band and you grab shredder uh Dan I'm actually such a beau fan it's actually a little creepy this time sorry Bo oh alright let's wrap this up before shredder dies oh alright guys thank you all we'll see you next week thank you for watching we love him here thank you I get blessed and I hope you've enjoyed the experience experience I am truly saving experience see you next time guys thanks for watching [Music]

Channel: H3 Podcast

Views: 2,154,409

Keywords: h3h3, h3, h3 podcast, ethan klein, hila klein, h3h3productions, podcast, h3h3 podcast, boogie, boogie2988

Id: C00igZTktfc

Length: 125min 3sec (7503 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 20 2018