[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Greg: IT'S TRUE, YES! HAPPY FRIDAY, EVERYBODY! IT'S FRIDAY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, WHEN IT IS FRIDAY, IT IS TIME TO WELCOME TONIGHT'S GUESTS, HER FORECAST IS STILL ON THE MONEY, PEOPLE MISTAKE HER FOR SUSAN B. ANTHONY. FOX NEWS SENIOR METEOROLOGIST AND AUTHOR OF THE NEW BOOK "I AM THE STORM" JENNA Z. WHEN HE PRODUCES A TV SHOW, CHARACTERS ASK IT TO BE KILLED OFF, FOUNDER OF THE LOFTUS CARDI.COM, KYLE LOFTUS! AND RATTLESNAKES DESCRIBE HER AS TO POISONOUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR CAPTIVE. AND FINALLY, ELEPHANTS WON'T DISCUSS HIM WHEN HE IS IN THE ROOM, MY MASSIVE SIDEKICK AND THE N.W.A. A WORLD W WEIGHT -- DOUBLE WEIGHT CHAMPION, TYRUS. OKAY, BEFORE WE GET TO SOME NEW STORIES, OBVIOUSLY, SINCE IT IS FRIDAY, IT'S TIME FOR THIS! ♪ ♪ >> GREG'S LEFTOVERS. >> Greg: I LOVE LEFTOVERS, THIS IS WHERE I READ THE JOKES WE DID NOT USE THIS WEEK, SO IF THEY SUCK, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. AND YOU SAY THE WORD AND I WILL FIRE THE STAFF. HERE WE GO, THIS WEEK PRESIDENT BIDEN ADDRESS THE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS FOUND IN HIS GARAGE WHEN ASKED WHY HE THOUGHT HER GARAGE WOULD BE A SAFE PLACE FOR SUCH THINGS, HE SAID, BECAUSE HUNTER HAS BEEN HIDING HIS COKES -- THERE FOR 15 YEARS, AND HE HAS NEVER LOST AN OUNCE. FAIR ENOUGH. SPEAKING OF HUNTER, HE IS ASKING A JUDGE TO DENY HIS 4-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER THAT HE HAD WITH A FORMER STRIPPER FROM TAKING HIS LAST NAME. BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING HUNTER WON'T TOLERATE SCUM AT SOMEONE USING THE BIDEN NAME FOR UNEARNED GAIN. YEAH, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? CSA OFFICER SEIZED IN ANTITANK WEAPON FROM A PASSENGER'S LUGGAGE AT A TEXAS AIRPORT THIS WEEK, AND HIS DEFENSE, THE PASSENGER SAID HE WANTED TO HAVE THE ADVANTAGE WHEN IT CAME TO FIGHTING OVER THE ARMREST. ONLY SO MANY JOKES THE DEAL. THAT'S BAD. THIS WEEK, THE CITY OF BOSTON UNVEILED A MALE SCULPTURE HONORING MARTIN LUTHER KING JR., BUT CRITICS SAY IT ACTUALLY RESEMBLES A GIANT IT MEANT GIANT PENIS. THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE BRIAN KILMEADE. I BET THAT'S BETTER THAN THE PUNCH LINE. SO IT LOOKS LIKE THE GIANT PENIS, BUT THAT PROVES WHATEVER DREAM DR. KING HAD, MUST'VE BEEN A GOOD ONE. AND THE GOOD NEWS IS WHEN IT IS COLD OUT, THE SCULPTURE SHRINKS TO HALF ITS SIZE. NORTH DAKOTA LAWMAKERS ARE WEARING A BAN ON SEXUALLY EXPLICIT BOOKS FOUND IN LIBRARIES, IN RESPONSE, LIBRARY OFFICIALS CAN BAN BOOKS ON SUICIDE SINCE NO ONE EVER BRINGS THEM BACK. >> Kat: WHAT? >> Greg: THAT WAS GOOD. IT'S BEFORE IT TOOK A TURN AT THE END. >> Greg: THAT'S CALLED SURPRISE! TRY THAT WITH YOUR WARDROBE! I SEE IT'S YOUR DAY AT THE SHELTER TO WHERE THE DENIM JACKET. HOBO STEVE MUST BE REALLY COLD. >> Kyle: HE CAN'T WAIT, HE IS LIKE WHEN IS HE COMING BACK? >> Greg: HE DOES HAVE THE TEETH, SO YOU CAN MAKE THE TRADE LATER. >> Kyle: TEETH FOR THE JACKET. >> Greg: TWO NYPD OFFICERS WERE CAUGHT HAVING SEX IN THE PRECINCT PARKING LOT AFTER THE MOANS HAPPEN ON A 911 CALL, THE POLICE SAID, DON'T WORRY, THE POLICE ARE DEFINITELY COMING. [LAUGHTER] ALL RIGHT. THAT'S GOOD. DURING A LIVE TAPING OF "THE VIEW" A HECKLER CALLED WHOOPI GOLDBERG AN OLD BROAD, HE WAS REMOVED AND GIVEN A REWARD FOR ACCURACY IN THE MEDIA. [APPLAUSE] IN A PARTNERSHIP WITH DUNCAN/HINES, COUNTRY LEGEND DOLLY PARTON HAS CREATED A NEW LINE OF BAKING BISCUITS BAKING INCLUDING BUTTERMILK BISCUITS, THE ONLY DOWNSIDE, YOU CAN ONLY BAKE TWO AT A TIME. THAT'S RIGHT, MICHAEL, THANKS FOR EXPLAINING THE JOKE TO AMERICA! AND IN A RECENT INTERVIEW, SUZANNE SOMERS SAYS SHE HAS SEX WITH HER 84-YEAR-OLD HUSBAND ABOUT THREE TIMES A DAY, ACCORDING TO HER HUSBAND, MOST OF THE TIME HE IS AWAKE. [LAUGHTER] AND FINALLY, IN PROTEST OVER ROE V. WADE, LIBERAL AMERICAN MEN ARE REPORTEDLY GETTING A RECORD HIGH NUMBER OF VASECTOMIES. THE GOOD NEWS FOR THEM IS THAT DOCTORS ARE WILLING TO CHARGE HALF PRICE, SINCE THEY ALREADY HAVE NO BALLS. [APPLAUSE] I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S HOW SCIENCE WORKS. BUT LET'S DO SOME NEWS, RIGHT? HE LEFT CLASSIFIED DOCS WHERE HIS SON SMOKED ROCKS. THAT'S A GOOD ONE. YESTERDAY PRESIDENT BIDEN TOWARD STORM BATTERED CALIFORNIA WHERE WINDS WERE SO STRONG, GAVIN NEWSOM'S HAIR WAS DECLARED A DISASTER ZONE. AND THIS TIME THE WATERY BROWN STUFF ON EVERYONE SHOES IN SAN FRANCISCO WAS MUD. THAT'S POOP, TALKING ABOUT DIARRHEA. BUT AT THE END OF THE BARELY COHERENT COMMENTS, THERE WAS A QUESTION ABOUT CLASSIFIED DOTS, AND HE WAS MAD ABOUT THE TIMING, JUST LIKE WHEN I FIRED THAT INTERN AFTER HE GAVE ME HIS KIDNEY. YOU KNOW WHAT, QUITE FRANKLY, THAT BUGS ME. >> YOU KNOW, QUITE FRANKLY WHAT BUGS ME IS THAT WE HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEM HERE, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON, AND TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DON'T ASK ME QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT. >> Greg: HE SUPPOSED TO COUNT TO FOUR AND A HALF WHEN HE IS ANGRY. [LAUGHTER] I MUST HAVES. WE STOP USING THEM AFTER WE TURNED 13. I WANT TO GO BACK TO HAVES. BUT I THINK THAT YOU WILL FIND THAT THERE IS NOTHING HERE. >> I THINK YOU ARE GOING TO FIND THAT THERE IS NOTHING THERE. I HAVE NO REGRETS AND I'M FOLLOWING WHAT THE LAWYERS ARE TELLING ME THEY WANT ME TO DO, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE DOING, THERE IS NO THERE THERE. >> Greg: SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DESCRIPTION OF HIS PULSE, UNLESS THEY ARE MEANS HUNTER, AND TERMS HE WAS, AND DESCRIBED HIS MEMOIR BEING QUARANTINED FOR A DAY WOMAN CAN MATCH IN, THE SAME SPOT WHERE THE CLASSIFIED DOCS WERE HANGING AROUND IN THE GARAGE, HIS LAWYER HAS MADE INCRIMINATING DOCUMENTS WHERE NO ONE WILL EVER LOOK, INSIDE A COPY OF "HOW I SAVE THE WORLD" BY JESSE WATTERS. HUNTER APPARENTLY HAD UNRESTRICTED ACCESS TO THE PROPERTY AND THE CORVETTE, HE PREFERS THE TOP DOWN ON HIS CAR. BUT ALSO HIS BROTHERS WIFE. THAT JOKE WAS ACTUALLY WORSE, I CLEANED IT UP. I KNOW, WHAT SAY YOU, JOE? >> NO, LOOK, THERE IS NO THERE THERE. I SAID THAT BEFORE, THERE IS NO THERE THERE. THERE IS NO WHY WHY. AND NOWHERE FOR, WHEREFORE. COME ON, MAN, THERE IS NO THEY THEY, THERE IS NO WE WE, WELL, THERE IS A LITTLE WEE WEE, BUT JILL TELLS ME THAT'S NORMAL FOR SOMEONE OF MY AGE. [APPLAUSE] >> Greg: ALL RIGHT, SO I DO THIS FROM TIME TO TIME, JANICE, A GREAT NEW BOOK "I AM THE STORM" WHEN DOES IT COME OUT? >> Janice: IT IS OUT! >> Greg: YOU WON'T KNOW UNTIL NEXT TUESDAY? >> Janice: IT IS A BEST SELLER ALREADY, BECAUSE OF YOU! BECAUSE OF YOU! >> Greg: WHAT I LIKE TO DO WHEN 70 HAS A BOOK, I LIKE TO READ, CAN I READ A PARAGRAPH? THE FIRST TIME I MET GREG GUTFELD I WAS BLOWN AWAY BY HOW GOOD-LOOKING HE WAS IN PERSON. I HAD TO CONTROL MYSELF, BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WAS AROUND. BUT I FOUND MYSELF IN A DEEP LONGING DESIRE TO THROW MYSELF AT HIM. BUT THEN HE LOOKED AT ME AND HE SAID, GREG -- I SHOULD STOP THIS NOW. >> Kat: WHENEVER HE GETS A BOOK, THE FIRST THING HE DOES IS GOES TO THE INDEX AND LOOKS FOR HIS NAME. >> Janice: I'VE NOTICED THAT, THAT'S OKAY. >> Tyrus: GO BACK TO THE PAGE, KEEP READING. >> Janice: IT'S ACTUALLY MORE INTERESTING THAN THE BOOK. >> Greg: HE WAS WEARING NOTHING BUT LIKE GRAU AND HIS SQUADS GLISTENED IN THE SUN. LIBERAL MEDIA DOESN'T TELL YOU ABOUT THAT, HE DID NOT TELL YOU ABOUT HIS ABS OR HIS TRAPS. SHOULD IT KEEP GOING? >> Janice: YES. >> Greg: I BETTER NOT, THAT LIBERAL MEDIA NEVER TALK ABOUT MY QUADS, JANICE. USING NOTHING BUT WEATHERED TERMINOLOGY, HOW WOULD YOU CATEGORIZE THIS DOCUMENT SCANDAL MS. DEAN? >> Janice: CATEGORY 5. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE IS SEEN GAVIN NEWSOM IN THE BACKGROUND GOING, OH, I WOULD LOOK REALLY GOOD AT THAT PODIUM. OH, KENNY FAINT RIGHT NOW? RIGHT? BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT. >> Greg: THE IRONY HERE IS THE SAME PEOPLE THAT GOT HIM INTO THE OFFICE ARE EXACTLY THE SAME PEOPLE THAT ARE TRYING TO GET THEM OUT, ALL OF THE DEMOCRAT MACHINE, HE SERVED HIS PURPOSE, HE WAS THOUGH -- WHAT YOU CALL THAT THING? >> Kyle: THE PLACEHOLDER IDIOT. >> Greg: YES, THE PLACEHOLDER IDIOT! >> Kyle: I CAN'T GET MAD ABOUT THE DOCUMENT SCANDAL, HIS LIKE I HAD NO IDEA, I AGREE, BUT YOU DON'T. BY THE CORVETTE -- WHO I SQUEAL SORRY FOR IT, WAS QUARANTINED WITH HUNTER BIDEN, THAT'S A NIGHTMARE SCENARIO RIGHT THERE. >> Greg: WE KNOW IT WAS NOT A REAL QUARANTINE, HIS DEFINITION IS HALF THE CRACK. YOU KNOW? IT'S JUST FOUR WHORES INSTEAD OF EIGHT. >> Tyrus: YOU HAVE TO RATION. >> Michael: THE WORST OF TIMES, THE BEST OF TIMES, DOWN TO MY FOURTH RUSSIAN, BUT SOMEHOW WE GOT THROUGH. IT'S HORRIBLE. >> Greg: IT BRINGS ME TO MY, I THINK THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION TO HAVE, LETTING HUNTER HAVE ACCESS TO A PLACE HOLDING CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS WHILE HE IS DOING DEALS WITH OUR ENEMIES AS WELL AS AND CRACK, THIS IS INSANE. LIKE NOBODY IS ACTUALLY CONNECTED AND ALL THAT TOGETHER, HIM PLUS DOCUMENTS PLUS GARAGE, DRUGS, CHINA. ALL IN ONE SPOT. >> Kat: ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU SEE JOE BIDEN BEING SO FLIPPANT ABOUT THE WHOLE THING, HE IS LIKE NO REGRETS, WHO ARE YOU? A 20-YEAR-OLD GIRL IN CABO WHO THROWS UP AT THE BEACH CLUB AFTER TOO MANY PINA COLADAS? LIKE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE LIKE THAT SAY IN THOSE SITUATIONS, NOT WHEN YOU ARE UNDERGOING THIS KIND OF SERIOUS THING, WE ALL HERE ABSOLUTE POWER CURBS ABSOLUTELY, BUT IT'S A SCALE, THE MORE POWER YOU HAVE, THE MORE LIKELY IT WOULD BE THAT YOU HAVE CORRUPTION, HE KNOWS HE IS A POWERFUL PERSON AND NOTHING WILL HAPPEN, LIKE SO OFTEN THE CASE, SO IS LIKE YEAH, WHATEVER, NO REGRETS, YOLO, NOT EVEN A LITTLE, CABO AIN'T READY FOR US! I'M SURE THEY ARE, YOU ARE A MAJOR PILLAR IN THEIR ECONOMY. >> Greg: HE GETS MORE UPSET WHEN THEY ARE OUT OF PISTACHIO. >> Kat: BECAUSE THAT ACTUALLY AFFECTS HIM. >> Greg: IT DOES DIRECTLY, YES, TYRUS. >> Tyrus: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE SPIRITUAL MY FAVORITE ICE CREAM, PISTACHIO, HE IS A MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP GUY, OKAY, NOT THE GREEN KIND, THE WHITE KIND AND NOBODY WANTS TO EAT. >> Greg: YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT, WHY ARE YOU AGAINST WHITE ICE CREAM? >> Tyrus: BECAUSE IT'S EVERYWHERE! [LAUGHTER] FIRST OF ALL, GREG, I HATE TO DISAGREE WITH YOU, BUT THEY DID NOT GET HIM IN, HE GOT THEM IN, AND THAT'S WHY THEY PUT UP WITH US, BECAUSE THEY -- DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH, AND KAMALA WELL, YOU SAW IT, SO HE IS IN THERE, BUT I KNOW WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO GO BACK TO THE SPEECH, BUT HE FORGOT, HE GOT FRUSTRATED AND HE GOES, WHAT BUGS ME IS WE ARE HERE TALKING ABOUT, SOMETHING IMPORTANT -- >> Greg: S. >> Tyrus: AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS! IT'S IMPORTANT, AND I BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE CORRECT, IT WAS A 20-YEAR-OLD THAT WROTE THAT SPEECH, BECAUSE HE WAS LIKE, NO REGRETS. THERE IS NO THERE THERE. COMING FROM A GUY WHO FORGETS EVERYTHING, HE LITERALLY FORGOT HE WAS PRESIDENT. SO YES. SO THE ONE LAST THING WAS THE DOCUMENTS OR SIX YEARS OLD, THEY ARE THERE AFTER THEY ARE ALREADY USED, HUNTER HIT THEM LIKE HE HAD THE LAPTOP AND THE PISTOL AND THE CHILD, SLOPPILY. THEY'VE ALREADY BEEN USED, THEY'VE ALREADY BEEN PAID FOR, THAT'S WHY THEY CAN TURN THEM OVER NOW. >> Greg: H
