Guest Speaker Kevin Leman on Marriage

before i before i introduce dr lehmann i i've got to make a confession i'm not real computer savvy but i did some snooping on the computer and i came across i came across something that i thought you know what he jokes about himself a lot but there was a day he was a looker there was a day and um there you go look at this look at this does this look good or what come on keep it going keep it going oh my goodness wow this guy's on his way man dr lehman come and tell us what we need to do come on welcome dr kevin lehman would you please that was a 1960 corvair that burned 45 quarts of oil between here and san diego we left here on august 5th 1967 in that car with no air conditioning we left about 4 30 in the afternoon we spent 29 on flowers for our wedding it was a big wedding we had ham sandwiches at my wife's aunt's home that was our reception uh talk about being dumb we spent the night in yuma 12 for the hotel the one smart thing i did it's funny what those pictures generate in your head but the one smart thing we did was i pulled off the side of the road as i was leaving tucson and i was smart enough to know this i pulled off the side of the road and i said honey i just want a prey force and i reached over and the stupid corvair had a stick shift so reaching over this was not a car to park by the way at the end of campbell is there anybody here who parked at the end of campbell in their lifetime you were the guys huh beeping the horn really irritated me but anyway i digress but i pulled off the side of the road and i just held hands with her across the way and i just prayed that god would bless this marriage that was the smartest thing i did on my honeymoon now a couple things it was thoroughly coincidental that mickey mantle and the new york yankees were playing in anaheim stadium a three-game series sunday monday and tuesday after we got married that was coincidence that i had box row seats four rows from how dumb can you be you take your wife to a baseball game on your honeymoon three of them i gave her her diamond in a field behind my parents house near townsend junior high school now you talk about ambiance how dumb can you be i mean it's amazing when i look back at some of the just how we started off i look back now at how god has blessed this union five kids later and by the way where are single people here hands up single people can we can we start with you guys for just a second now the question is are you the lucky ones or are we the lucky ones but you know sometimes sometimes we sort of we don't mean to diss singles but we do but i'll tell you relationships are a little bit more simple than they appear on the surface and if you're looking for mr right or miss right there's a couple things you really got to understand i mean if you really want a keeper okay if you want something that's great find someone who number one loves god you find someone who loves god they're a great bet okay find someone who had a great relationship this guy with his mother find a guy that treats women well has a track record so to speak of all good positive relationships with the opposite sex if you do that you've got a winner in your pocket now if this guy has a temper throw up the yellow flag because temper equals control you know i've never had a woman in my office and say you know what i love about my husband harold i love the way he controls me you know i have never heard that and so and and where do you meet men you know in this day i talk to women all the time and say i i don't get a chance to meet people you got to be creative you sort of meet them in bars okay when i was a dean of students at the u of a i always did a talk for the new students and then i did a talk for the parents you know and i'd i'd reassure the parents of things i'd say i know you all heard about the fact that there's cockroaches in the residence halls now let me put your fears to rest there there are no cockroaches in the residence hall the rats ate them years ago and and i would just always like to have fun and and and i had these young co-eds come to me one day and they said you know what you said you said if you have any questions or anything on your first few weeks here on campus come and see me and i did say that and they came and they said you know we walk by ten thousand guys every day but we don't get to meet anybody i said well how adventurous are you and they said well we're adventurous i said well does anybody have a popcorn popper yeah two of them had popcorn poppers i said all right here's what i want you to do i want you to just pick a dorm pick a dorm any dorm on campus they lived in coronado hall i said i want you to go over to the lobby of that men's hall and i want you to pop popcorn i want you to bring a sheet put it on the floor put the popcorn popper right in the middle bring a little butter some plastic bowls and stuff and just pop popcorn and i mean i wish you could see the look on these young women's faces he wants to do what i said hey trust me i've been around this campus a long time i do understand men i do understand women and so they came back to tell me their tale they went to a dorm they pop popcorn how fast does the smell of popcorn travel about as fast as the speed of light okay and all of a sudden these guys are up there in the dorm they smell in that popcorn and like bears awaking from a long winter's nap you know they come down and then of course the guys then turn tables went to their dorm one night and did the same thing so you have to be creative in today's society because everybody cocoons people don't go out and mix anymore that's why eharmony.com is so uh popular by the way neil clark warren who started that as a friend of mine i shouldn't tell you this but i will he gave me 9 000 shares of his company because when everybody told him this is never going to work you know what he did he kept going and i told him i said neil you have a brilliant idea here he was living out of a suitcase in dallas texas today you know where his home is he has three homes one of them's in hawaii one of them's in california but his new residence is in a place called kennebunkport and guess who his neighbor is big george okay this is a guy who didn't give up tomorrow morning we're going to be talking to business people about leadership okay you can't give up you got to be creative but you also have to know who you are because ladies i'm telling you us guys will use you like nobody okay we we will play you up one side and down the other because we are so driven by such things as sight by our sexual inclinations i mean anybody who's married here answer this question how long does it take to get your husband frisky 1.7 seconds or less he looks at you and this guy is raring to go okay there's women here who are like crock pots you can plug them in but they ain't going to heat up for a long time and they got agendas you know they got to go through hills and valleys plateaus maces and check this out what they like on tuesday they don't like on saturday i see there's men in this room who'll eat the same breakfast till they die they'll wear the same shirt only got two spots on it what's the problem women aren't like that okay so for those of you who are single walk carefully and let me say this as clear as i can keep your pants on okay as soon as the relationship becomes sexual okay as soon as you become sexual because a man is so blinded by it i'm telling you you don't know what you're really getting he knows what he's getting okay and he likes that and that keeps him in there's a spiritual connection in marriage that must be there okay the divorce rate okay about one and two that mary today will end in divorce average marriage lasts seven years couples who pray together audibly now that's not he prays and she prays but they actually sit down to make it a point to pray together on a regular basis the divorce rate is one in 1052. now you tell me if there's a spiritual connection to marriage of course there is and marriage i mean do you remember before marriage before marriage the lies used to tell each other oh pretty soon we're just going to be in each other's arms it's gonna be just wonderful we're just gonna be able to look at the moon and cuddle and share and communicate it's gonna be just wonderful you're gonna read the psalms to me at night no he's probably going to be reading song of solomon would be a better guess but this is the expectation okay of what marriage is all about now when you write books on marriage you write things on stages of marriage well what's the next stage if this is expectation what's the next stage reality you find out your wife has morning breath that could kill a cockroach at four and a half feet okay you find out your husband is capable of watching two ball games simultaneously belching in his boxer shorts yes ladies this is your gift from god okay now you move quickly in this because expectation minus reality equals disillusionment it doesn't take people long to become disillusioned about what they have or what they haven't and by the way for those of you who are blending how many of you are in blended families today heads up hands up okay now there's something easy you know the blended family is a misnomer because they don't blend to begin with they collide at best you have his and hers oh you know i really i just know that uh george's children um they really like me and we get along out really well yeah until you marry the sucker and then they will drive a wedge between you like nobody else can do now if you're in a blended family it takes three to seven years for that blended family to make it okay the foundation of the blended family is cemented with a mortar of anger bitterness jealousy hurt and anger there's something interesting about that sentence i used anger twice on purpose because everybody has a psychological chip in your shoulder now for those who are single you've been divorced you know whatever you want to find the perfect husband find the guy whose wife died okay he is in a better pool a better pool of fish than this guy that's been divorced twice do you see what i'm saying he is a more on paper i'm just talking statistics here he is a much better risk now do you really want somebody like everybody else has is that where you really want or do you want somebody different you want somebody who's really going to treat you well finish this sentence for me you're in good hands with allstate you know how long that thing's been around since i was a little boy and i'm going to die soon but it's a great thing you're in good hands with allstate that's how a woman wants to feel like she's loved so the man who can wipe this woman's tears away but listen to her story is the guy that's worth chasing the guy who's willing to put you before himself okay and i'm telling you the man who will really take a bullet for you so to speak is the guy that will be there when you discover you got breast cancer and you need the love and the attention and the comfort that only a husband can give to a wife in that situation and on top of that guess what there's people counting on you staying married being married isn't easy why because women are absolutely weird they speak a language they speak a language that most men don't get they don't come right to the point of things usually most women beat around the bushes okay the experts tell us you women use three and a half times the number of words that we men use in a given day that means by this thursday some of you husbands out there are out of words for the entire week you have used your allotment okay women are like the energizer bunny of communication they just keep going and going and going and going and going they love to share they love to talk they love to communicate okay i was talking to pastor beforehand and by the way if you're a visitor to this church this is a cool place to hang out this is one of the greatest churches ever i've ever been in and they and they care they care about ministry and i just forgot what we were talking about beforehand what was it you remember it was something i was going to make a point i should never say those kind of things see i tried to give you a nice compliment what did it give me nothing i forgot now what i was going to say that happens all the time you know when you're speaking and i know pastor you can identify with this you got about 10 ideas in your head at the same time and sometimes they clash if i go outside of my thought pattern the chance of me getting that back is about zero it was probably the most profound thing i was going to say this entire evening but anyway i digress as we go back to these stages okay expectation minus reality equals disillusionment this is where couples get in trouble because he isn't everything i thought he would be she isn't everything i thought she would be okay if you watch oprah her gang oh you're worth more than that you're worth more than that you know you've got to take care of yourself i spoke to 4 600 women in southern illinois and my first statement to them was ladies you need to learn to please your husband now what do you suppose the reaction does to those 4 600 women this is a christian group by the way young women in their 30s for the most part it was like i felt like there was a vacuum that was going to suck me into the audience there's one woman she stood upright and said excuse me she's giving me the timeout sign like this i go yeah and she says excuse me if i did that if i did that i would lose my identity of who i am as a woman i'm telling you this is prevalent in our society today some of you believe that let me tell you that is a flat out lie it's perpetrated by our culture because the reality is if you want to stay married you got to learn to please this sucker and here's the good news he is simple i say in my book have a new husband by friday think of your husband as a four-year-old that shaves he's not a complex individual he needs to feel needed and wanted by you and respected by you those three things needed and wanted and by the way ladies i'm going to say this as straight as i can there are many men in this audience who are tired of being reluctantly accommodated in the bedroom by you reluctantly accommodate there's not a man here who says you know i love it when my wife says well okay if you have to my all-time favorite pull my nighty down when you're through oh that's nice give me a break and i'm telling you that god created us in such a way he gave me permission to say this you got any problems you talked to the monsignor okay but i'm just telling you that god created us in such a way that we we are attracted to each other within the confines of what god's holy word says about marriage and again you can't just follow your feelings if you do you see so gentlemen you see a woman who really looks good to you in a restaurant all right we talked about this a little bit this morning now get in touch with your feelings this is one hottie woman okay get in touch with your feelings you got your feelings as you're watching her walk by now follow your feelings you're going to jail you can't live like that and so there's constraints okay these things called marital vows that we took you stay in the boundaries there's a great little verse over in the book of jude jude 21 that says always stay in the boundaries where god's love can reach and bless you you know what this world be like if we all learn to stay in our boundaries you know it'd be cooler than cool and so this thing called marriage isn't as complicated as some of us make it out to be it's pretty simple but ladies i'm telling you you're the key in getting this husband to be puppy log-like puppy dog-like i mean he wants to please you we just get confused because how god made you it's not remember this morning i talked about how women lie like dogs and i shared the story about my wife who lies to me daily about everything what time are you going to be home i'm home early i'll be home early by the way she went she went to our church this morning i wonder if she was going to come here we got my brother and his wife and my sister in town and they they got up late and decided to go to our church okay now i got home from here about well it was probably close to quarter two by the time i got home okay my brother's there by himself and he says uh hey uh where are the women i go hello how long have you been married he said well you know our church is over at noon jack they're women they're not going to be home to four o'clock you know i was 12 minutes off well after church they just stopped and had a little something over it sauce they love sauce just a little salad and then of course they hit park mall that was the end of the day what time are you going to be homeland all the way home early they lie like dogs women have an entirely different world they live in but but check this out their world is closer to reality than ours that's what you have to understand because women thrive on relationships i'm going to tell those business guys tomorrow morning hopefully i'll remember this run everything by your wife first why because she's closer to life than you are because in a man's world you know we're arm's length hey are you doing high five fist bump or the common that's my favorite that covers a lot of sins that means everything from are you doing nice weather cubs are going to win this year liar cubs won it all in 1908 don't forget it but anyway there's some humor in how god created us i always say he's the original humorist because god said and the two shall become one you want to try something try to become one in marriage sandy and i live in a two-story house her story my story we we see life completely different and we're on different time schedules you know i'm a morning person i'm up early in the morning with with with joy in my heart quite frank i like the morning i like the early morning she just found out a couple years ago there was an 11 a.m she gets up in the morning she's a very pretty woman by the way very pretty but when she gets up in the morning she's got issues and it takes her a while just to come too and she's got this apricot stuff i ain't kidding you it's uh it looks like poppy seed uh dressing it's an eight-sided jar and she puts it on her face and that's how she revives and gives a chance for the beauty to come forth you know what i'm saying where i'm up in the morning put a baseball cap on my shorts same shorts i had on yesterday t-shirt brush my teeth i'm ready i'm gone i'm out the door okay that's being a man i spit i do a lot of things she would never do she'll say things oh don't do that that's gross that's close i know it's gross what am i supposed to do swallow it you should have heard her the other day i talked about getting a gun i talked about getting a gun you should have hurt her freaked out freaked out i sat her down i said mrs uppington listen to me listen to me i had a gun when i was 10 years of age i had my own gun i had a 410 shotgun do you know when i was in school we would take our guns to school how many of you believe that we did you'd walk into school with your gun you'd say the lady hey would you hold on to this i'm going pheasant hunting after school nobody batted an eye but do you think any of us in williamsville high school ever thought of turning a gun on our classmates that never entered our mind we'll talk about that tomorrow night how the world has changed it's changed big time but anyway back to marriage in these wonderful little expectations reality disillusionment license because my needs aren't being met now i can go do my own thing now if you're in that position tonight you need to rethink this and you need some prayer in your life because you're really in a rough spot and i know that your needs aren't being met i understand that and he might be super rat ultra rat whatever but you know what the stakes are high and it goes back to the fact i wish in this business i could name people whose god has provided me an opportunity to help them put their marriage back together rock stars who you'd notice right off the bat actors actresses from all over this world i've been a part of putting those things together and sometimes you see these marriages you say this marriage doesn't have a a chance at making it and i've seen god work in people's lives where the hearts of man and the hearts of women change and they get their life together and they realize there is a spiritual basis they become submissive now there's a word half of you hate submissive to god and submissive to each other and this goes back to well let me show you what the scripture says i mean i'm no preacher we got a preacher right down here if i make a mistake he'll say kevin you made a mistake okay but here it is uh you wives must submit to your husband's leadership in the same way you submit to the lord for a husband is in charge of his wife the same way christ is in charge of his body the church he gave his very life to take care of it and be it savior so you wives must willingly obey your husbands and everything just as the church obeys christ and your husband show the same kind of love to your wives as christ showed to the church when he died for her so i call him the equal operative equal opportunity employer because he he what he speaks to women they turned around speaks to men but see i'm telling you that man next to you would take a bullet for you so you could keep breathing that is if he really loves you i love to cite the terrible day january 11th 2000 or january 8 2011. one right over here at safeway gabrielle giffords and six other at 18 other people were shot and six of them killed and i love part of that story never got the headlines but there was a guy there who was in his 70s and when he pulled out that gun and started shooting he took his wife like this like an illegal play in basketball and tucked his wife right behind him he took a bullet right here in the chest that man's in heaven today and his wife is still breathing but see that husband who's not as communicative and you talk to your girlfriend about him hey let's get one thing straight he is not your girlfriend he's your husband he doesn't have a well he has no friends he's got a show associates he's got his fishing buddies his hunting buddies and they'll go hunt they'll hunt you know they draw and they they get to go hunt you know bambi's grandfather or something out in northern arizona they'll sit in a tree your husband will sit in a tree half today with a gun waiting for this animal to come over the hill he's got his little walkie-talkie he's talking to his buddy they talk about every hour anything i got a friend who sells insurance in town joe robinette state farm agent we've known joe and terry for years we go to their house for dinner okay cook steaks out in the backyard have a nice evening driving home she starts on me she me mrs uppington i call mrs uppington by the way mrs uppington because he's the classy one the two of us okay she loves restaurants with four and five forks one fork is plenty for me and we're driving home one night and she says to me she says uh uh what's new with joe nothing and she says what do you mean nothing i said nothing she said well you've been with them all night i'm getting a little defensive so so what do you guys talk about nothing well you're out there a long time in the backyard what'd you talk about out there i told you nothing well what do you guys like say to each other nothing we use sentences short ones now she's mad she's mad because i'm not telling her everything we're talking about what do we talk about we talk about u of a football basketball whatever the season i mean that's sort of where our we drift to we're gonna talk about anything once in a great while now i'm in a small group through an old church i went to our group is 30 years old now how many men here's a question for you men how many of you men would like to go to counseling this week pastor i i don't see a one now if i ask that same question to women oh counseling what a great idea i'll have to buy a new pair of shoes the god is my judge speaking of shoes i told my wife on this trip i said honey i i i just got a small rental car it's really expensive in this little tower running the cars i just want to get by with a small car and just can you just bring one suitcase oh yeah oh no problem i'm telling you they lie like dogs so it's time to put the stuff in the car and i go out there the front door and god bless her she's ready which is a little unusual but but both she's got two suitcases there you know if you tell somebody something and then they sort of blow you off as a man this is when you turn into a five-year-old or a four-year-old okay i go hey honey i told you only one suitcase she said i only got one suitcase let's do it in spanish uno dos so i go back there we got it by the arm bring it right out the front door honey oh let's go through this one more time one two says honey that one doesn't count that's my shoes we have those conversations like dogs different from us for sure i told you sandy is up half the night books are some of her best friend she's a firstborn she devours books she likes mysteries okay so wouldn't it be nice if god knowing my heart and mind would give me this woman to share life with okay who went to bed early frisky as a blue jay in spring that would be ideal but to show you god had a great sense of humor what's he give me a raccoon she's nocturnal she's up half the night i mean there's some nights now i just get up when she starts your little reading marathon okay because it goes on forever i just get up and go in the spare bedroom now i just take my little pillow with me and and chill in the other room because she'll be up half the night we see life completely different she likes the four forkers and the five forkers okay she loves those things i love the one forker there used to be a restaurant in tucson called the tack room how many remember the tack room it was way out on the east side and it cost a fortune to go there it was expensive and we didn't have any money to begin with back in those days anyway and so it was a big thing to to go there but she would love those kind of places okay and again i would like the simple things what restaurants are sort of interesting carusos i love speaking in tucson pastor this is great crusoe is on south fourth avenue you ever been there it's been around since the time of dirt okay i've gone there since 1962. i've never ever ever ordered anything other than lasagna lasagna el forno with garlic toast it's great lasagna since 1964 mrs uppington and i have gone to to caruso's with god as my judge i've never ordered anything but now we walk in there the first thing she wants to see is the menu then she wants to hear the specials she always wants to hear the special and she wants to know what does that woman have over there she always wants to know what other women are having i i don't understand why you would care what someone else is having and then she starts something she's what are you going to have lamey what are you going to have and i turned away i said well i was thinking about trying lasagna tonight sounded good then she starts on me she says why why why don't you have this and she she pointed one night the chicken ketchup toy or whatever it's called i said i don't want that yeah but if you got that then i could have a little bite of that that's my food i don't share my food with anybody i like being a man you know i don't share my food with anybody when i go to my friend's house i don't have to bring him a little gift and i can do my nails at a red light with my front teeth there's something nice about being a man but lots of times what happens is a woman will see this man and she'll try to feminize him and we feminize men in our society big time i'm telling you men need to be men and women need to be women it's the differences that gives us that natural incarnation to be drawn toward each other and you become you become one but ladies you have to understand a few things number one he's simple okay he needs to feel needed and wanted by you he's not your girlfriend now let me give you some clues in fact listen to what i'm about to say if you have a relationship with anyone in your family that's not a good one that could be your son or your daughter okay your husband or your wife your mother or your father your uncle or aunt who lives with you your grandmother grandfather anybody listen to this this is almost profound if you want to see that relationship change stop asking that person questions don't ask him any questions well excuse me not to remember when our daughter melissa comes home from school i always ask her how is your day honey okay let's go through that drill how was your day at school honey fine what'd you do in school today nothing teenager where you been how what'd you do nathan if you want your kid to talk to you don't ask them questions men don't like questions okay the interesting thing is you can say to your husband harold tell me more about that he'll tell you and his his defenses won't go up but we shut down and by the way when your husband gets mad ladies what does he do there's a few idiots to throw things but very few most of us as men when we get mad we get quiet and we go under our turtle-like shell and we ain't coming out you get the biggest pitchfork in the history but we ain't coming out we're just going to sit there we'll wage out or money ahead by saying nothing now if you're the criticalide person and you always have something to say about your husband and you evaluate him you judge him he's not going near you he's going to avoid you okay so if you don't have a love affair with your husband somebody else will those are strong words but it's true if you look at the research that's exactly what happens so the two shall become one there's something wonderful about these two people who are smart enough to stand up and be a married couple and to try to have this intimate connection that intimate connection by the way is you could be thousands of miles apart and not be able to communicate for whatever reason and you come together again and it's like you didn't miss a beat i've got a good friend in fact he's my best friend probably in all of tucson he's so blessed he's got this wife who goes to sporting events with him wow somebody said yeah wouldn't you like that chick for your wife huh wouldn't that be cool we're sitting yeah yeah oh you're in trouble uh you you just got the look man that's okay celibacy is a good thing don't worry about it but we're in a ball game we're in a ball game one night and and we're getting beat football we're beating like a drum to ucla i'll never forget it she laid down on the stadium seats in arizona stadium laid down flat out late there was a lot of room because almost everybody left we're still there i'm thinking no we're down 40. we could there's a comeback we could have a comeback and she looks at me she says what inning is it honey inning is baseball i mean we are so different and yet we've been blessed with 45 years of great marriage a professor friend told me years ago he said look kevin he said listen you can do different things together as a couple back in the old days i had a boat and i used to go down to pina blanca lake in patagonia lake and i'd fish and i had sleeper seats in my boat well mrs uppington oh before i met her oh i love fishing love the outdoors love it the first time a fish came in the boat i thought she was going to leave the boat get the thing away from me i'm like a little kid look at that i don't want to see your face i like your fish that's real good just keep it away from me she loves camping i took her up to globe arizona what's that lake is it san carlos that's up there and i took her to san carlos we pitched a tent she loves camping we didn't spend the night in the tent we spent it at a ramada inn somewhere i mean i challenged her on it when i said well i thought i would like camping she would tell you i tried to pitch the tent with some cow flops around that that didn't go over real big we still laugh about that to this day completely different people see life completely different and yet a great marriage it's the differences that make you a couple these guys that are blessed that have a a wife that'll go to a ball game with them and those are the luckiest dudes in the world i'm here to i'm envious of those guys okay how many of you have those wives by the way yeah for you that's what i thought yeah but but you know let women be women let men be men and we are called to become one not an easy task to do for sure but here's something as i said earlier you run everything by your wife first gentlemen why because she's closer to life than you are okay and so many times and i've had men challenge me like seriously lehman she don't know anything about civil engineering well you're right she doesn't know anything about civil engineering but she knows more about lifestyle than you ever thought about because she thrives on relationships and anybody in business you tell me what's life all about it's relationships it's the skills that you were born with one of the one of the joyous times in my life people ask me what are the highlights of your marriage uh and the births of the children for sure and we've had some great moments and some great opportunities to to travel and things like that but when my son kevin graduated from college down in florida he wanted to go up to disney world okay and there were nine of us and i said hey no problem we'll go to disney world so we go up to disney world and i walk in the place and the first thing that greets me when you when you go up there to buy the ticket i mean i didn't realize they have these what they call island hoppers where you go two different places 180 bucks a pop 180 180 a piece i got nine people i just do a little round number stuff i go holy crow that that's that's short of two grand to go to amusement park and i'll tell you it was an appointed time for me because the lord gave me good vision because there was a little sign to my left and it was a long way away but i thought it said media relations and i moved toward it and i started moving leave me where you going i said honey i'm just going to go lay me no i know you hey just fork out the money we need to go in here i said just give me 10 minutes give me 10 minutes that's all i need 10 minutes i walk up and there's a sign media relations i have a channel seven golf shirt on like this with a little circle with a seven in it uh kbw tv but god is my judge i walk up to this thing a young kid there about 20 years of age his name daniel his hometown buffalo new york thank you lord hi daniel hi hey listen i'm wondering if you could help me out now notice my words i wonder if you could help me out okay that's the door opener in any situation hey listen uh i wonder if you could help me out i get some comp tickets to get myself and my family uh into disney world also we have a procedure you probably know the procedure those things have to be facts the request has to be in two weeks before oh daniel i thoroughly understand my son graduated from college it's a big day in his life he said hey dad's there anyway you could drive up to disney world i'm just trying to make my son happy just then the boss comes in the boss the supervisor he's got one of these things in his ears you know got a little hardware here and i and i say oh hey daniel is that the boss and i'm saying it loud enough so the boss can hear it that the boss yeah she said all right everybody on your behavior stop picking your nose here comes the boss remember we're in the public relations here before long i'm getting dialogue with these three different people who are watching every word i say now i'm going to make this as short as i can the kid looks up at his boss and the boss has heard everything i said and all i did was have a little fun with his birth order because this guy was the firstborn and i guessed it right i could tell by how the guy looked he was the firstborn i nailed daniel as the youngest son in his family which he was so i'm two for two so they're listening what i have to say and then daniel looks up at his boss like what am i supposed to do and the guy says help the doctor out the kid hands me four four tickets 180 bucks a piece into disney world okay i said to him daniel do you see that tall slender woman over there near that palm tree that's got her arms crossed like this and looks a little angry uh that's mrs uppington and uh actually i can't tell you how much i appreciate this but i actually have nine people with me now i don't make these stories up folks and he looks at me like hello i just gave you four free tickets for 180 bucks what do you want he looks back at his supervisor the supervisor goes he peels off five more tickets folks i now have nine tickets in my back pocket i'm about to share with you the most wonderful exotic fulfilling feeling i've had in 45 years of marriage as i walk back toward mrs uppington whose eyes have narrowed and she's looking at me and said well mr big shot show me the tickets i fanned them it was wonderful it was wonderful for me now baby the family salesman okay sell dead rats for a living my older sister she would never do that in a million years you do life by the book you go in the entrance and you go out the exit okay that's how you do life you do what's expected you read directions when you put something together there are people like that in this world who will follow directions that doesn't happen to be my gift now mrs uppington's one of those people okay now again i just want you understand that you all came out of a different family when two people walk down this flowers through an aisle it's not two people who married it's at least six where you getting the six from you marry your in-laws so whatever you brought to the marriage okay you learned in your family you learned how to relate to people especially your mom to you dad or husband okay daddy-daughter relationship mother-son relationships so there are men here who are paying for the lousy relationship your bride had with her dad okay there are women here who are paying for the lousy relationship that your husband had with guess who his mom that's why family is important to have good healthy family okay so when you're those who put their hand up in your blended family when you two got married there was at least 10 people getting married because now you got his hers ours the first husband the second you've been a three-time winner or loser depending upon how you look at it i mean that's why things get so difficult today so is it easier in a first marriage yes i mean andy williams and frank sinatra sang that song years ago love is lovelier the second time around i got news for you it's tougher the second time around just because so many things get complicated but as a couple you must remain shoulder to shoulder or the children in that union will drive a wedge between you so if you want to talk to your husband ladies again you eliminate the word why you want to slip them a cur commercial announcement okay and by that i mean you might say to a husband honey i might be way out in left field here i may not know what i'm talking about here then slip them that commercial announcement whatever that is you want to tell your husband slip it to him easily now if you say all right listen up bubba this is what's got to happen good luck because he's going to shut down again think of him as a four-year-old that shaves in fact we talk sometimes about a husband being like a seal when you say something nice about him especially in front of other people i mean you know you've thrown them a three pound fish your husband in all probability does not have anybody affirm him during a given week okay and and so everybody needs affirmation everybody and yet there's people in this world i mentioned it this morning you you know there's people who are unteachable and you can't teach people who know everything anything about life can you you want to be teachable so when your wife is talking to you gentlemen you listen to her you say lehman she speaks in volumes i understand that she needs to learn that you need the usa today version get to the point what's the problem see most of us as men are fixers ladies so when you bring a problem to us our initial reaction is to tell you what to do or to fix it in my experience at women been women aren't like that they don't want you to fix it they just want you to understand what they're up against if they got little ankle biters around them all day long i mean ankle biters they can drain a woman to the point of no return you know just getting the 18 month old to stop playing in the toilet is a major victory for many a woman you know and you finally you finally get the kids in bed do you know those nights the night has finally come to an end you're just sort of exhausted and you get in bed mrs uppington still to this day she talks to the bed when she gets in bed at night she says oh i love you bed and now she props up a couple little pillows and now she's got these little reading glasses and she sits there and she reads and here's the problem for for women today who have small kids you've worked outside the home if you're if you're the average woman got kids under the 18 you're bringing home the bacon you're working okay and uh the problem is you bring home the bacon but you also fry it because in most homes in most homes you're you're a second shifter you just keep working now if your husband comes home he's worked all day i understand that but if he comes home and checks out like many of us men do and he falls asleep watching friends reruns you know after dinner he belches a couple times and then night night for two hours and you've tucked kids in bed checked on homework done all the things you need to do and there he is sound asleep on the on the couch and you go over and you wake him up jack jack wake up you got to get upset and go to sleep jack wakes up you know that you know that feeling you know i feel after a long nap a sort of groggy you know he comes to and she's still running around the house doing things and she she goes by to check on some laundry he's had a two-hour nap she walks by in her negligee here he is she comes back in the room now listen to what he says you want to fool around what does she say to him do i look like i want to fool around i'm going to bed so when a husband comes home okay what what a wife wants to hear is honey what can i do to help it might be something like just take them away well honey where uh safford anywhere just get them out from you know if you've been around if you're the stay-at-home mom you've been around kids all day i'm telling you you you need uh you you need a relief pitcher coming through the door or or a big jug of wine or something i mean because kids kids will just where you you know and we'll talk about that tomorrow night we talk about kids he touched me he touched me mom he looked at me mom he looked at me now there's a criminal offense he looked at me but see kids kids know how to punch up all of our buttons to keep us needlessly engaged in battle and some of you snow plow the roads of life for your kids you coddle your kids too much you make excuses for your kids excuses make kids weaker doesn't make them stronger we'll talk more about that tomorrow so children have their place they're like avis renikar number two in trying harder but husband and wife come first that's the primary relationship that must be nurtured in the family tell that to a mom who just had a 19 and a half incher push that little sucker right out the birth canal nine and a half hours and all of a sudden she's acutely aware of how dependent this little body is to her and they bond and she breastfeeds and by the way breastfeeding you think is the most natural thing in the world not for a lot of women it's very difficult for a lot of women for a lot of different reasons and by the way your health insurance those people they throw you out of the hospital in less than 48 hours in the lactation nurse is nowhere in sight and all of a sudden there you are with this little 19 and a half incher it's easy to see why parents just sort of burrow their whole life into this little helpless thing in the meantime the husband's sort of out in left field and he gets further and further in left field okay as she focuses in on these children and again keep in mind in so many cases after she's had that baby and she's home for a few weeks she's back in the workforce now you take the kid to the kitty kennel which is a whole other topic don't get me going on that one okay drop them off the kitty kendall for just 12 hours a day now there's a healthy thing for a kid i'm telling you the things you do in the name of it's good for us is crazy okay we bring kids in this world we have a responsibility to a bring them up right we'll talk about that tomorrow night train up a child the way he should go when he is old he will not depart from it okay we'll take a look at that scripture that most of you will flunk if i gave you a essay uh question on that same thing but again kids have their place but the couple must come first if you don't nurture the marriage you're gonna be in big time trouble so we're different we think differently and women check this out they're not all the same how many women here would love a a back rub or a foot rub tonight from your love of your life hands up high i want people to see this okay now mrs uppington was with us tonight you wouldn't see your hand in the air you know why to quote her i don't like being rubbed scratch me she wants to be scratched okay now i learned this early in marriage oh she's got rules she's got rules she grew up in the first baptist church number one that's one of the problems they got too many rules over the first baptist church and she learned all the don'ts not the dues she learned all the don'ts okay so you talk about scratching her back this is how you scratch misses up into his back like this s shaped like this i think i don't make these things up this is how she likes it oh on the rule on top of the 90 only okay she loves it backhand like this she loves backhand more than that shape so you start with that shape then you move the backhand then she loves it if you scratch here she loves that and she really loves it if you just scratch the inside of her hands lightly with my nails like that don't start there if you start there i don't like that that tickles start my back i'm telling you i'm like a trained seal well that is who i am that is who i am so i i've learned who she is i've learned who she is there's these little hoops you go through that's who she is there's a right way to do things she doesn't like surprises i love surprises she hits 55 the speed limit okay i'm going to do things right i'm taking her to anthony's in the foothills okay four forker restaurant count them go there four forks there i know the four and five porkers and two some she loves those places i'm not a great fan you ever go to the restaurant where the waiters have different colored coats the regular waiters sort of in black and white you know that kind of thing then you got the guy in a red coat and a gray coat i don't even know the difference i grew up in buffalo i have a hot dog one of those guys i'm telling you one night i told a guy so one more water and i'm punching you out i'm telling you they just sort of over service you she loves those places so i take her to the nice place we're driving home that night and uh we pull up next to our house pitch black and she says oh leamie she said i love tonight it was just wonderful there's two of us together and i know the kids are coming over tomorrow night to celebrate but this is really special i know it's not your kind of a place but i love the food it was exquisite she used the term exquisite the food was exquisite i've never said food is exquisite and then she said oh and i love the presentation i love the presentation never said that either and so uh i go around open the door for her and and uh she puts her arm inside my arm which is always a good sign and she turns me and she says honey she said again i can't thank you enough for tonight but i gotta tell you um i'm exhausted what does that mean that means mr happy is going to bed unhappy now again i'm walking up to our house it's pitch black okay i know i'm in trouble because we're almost up the door and all of a sudden the lights get switched on the door flies open three dozen people yell surprise mrs uppington puts her hands over her face like this and starts to cry and being the real champion she is she feigns that these are tears of joy see i love surprises i'm a baby the family i love surprises she's the firstborn firstborns usually don't like surprises they're planners they're organizers they want to know what's coming i tell you this because i've written 42 books i understand women they're weird i understand my wife she's very weird and and yet i plan that surprise party with all the head knowledge okay but i brought out this morning in church hey it's got to be more than just a head you got to have it in heart you got to live it you got to apply it that was one of the dumbest things i did in marriage was the surprise party she doesn't like surprises so is it easy to get behind the eyes of your mate and see how they see life no it's difficult but here's what makes you women unique uh john would you come over here and just give me a hug i need a hug john puts down the newspaper walks over and goes he hugs her what does she tell herself she said well he hugged me all right but he only hugged me because i asked him to and not because he really wanted to one of my favorite stories i've told this before in this church but it's worth repeating we're driving home from one of those five forkers and they come up and ask us if we want dessert you know at the restaurant we told her no so it's 13.50 for dessert at this place by the way and uh we just looked at each other and said no anyway we're driving home 20 minutes later now we're driving down river road and she turns to me and she says uh you want to stop for ice cream oh no ten seconds later tears streaming down her face streaming down her face what would you say what is wrong with you exact words i don't make these things up nothing what do you mean nothing you're crying aren't you i said there's nothing wrong what is wrong with you i wanna stop her ice cream so when your wife looks at you and says do you want to stop for ice cream gentlemen she's not asking a question when she says honey we need to talk no words are needed by you you're in trouble you've said something wrong and she's about to tell you what's wrong now here's the kicker she wants you to know what her needs are without her having to tell you what her needs are and that is counter every man in this room because all of us know hey honey just tell me what you want me to do and i'll do it you want me to go out and hunt you a lion i'll bring you home a lion i mean that's who we are we're like little squirrels that want to please you let us go do whatever you know no it's not good enough for you you need you need to know that we you know care about you i'm to the point this is up i can watch something touching on tv to the split second i can tell you when that tear is coming over that eyelid i mean we know each other well and she tolerates me i mean but i'm this is a woman that's done some things in life driving home one night pulling my driveway someone has driven the van completely through the garage door back right through the garage door never stop right through it top of the van is off what do you do gentlemen do you jump out of the car and start screaming i'm here to tell you don't do that you know what you do you sit there and you study it and you say how did she do that i had two teenage drivers at the time but i knew who did it had her handiwork all over i was sitting in my car i was driving a little a barren convertible at the time and my daughter chrissy came up underneath the door and she said she came out and she greeted me she said just as i'm getting out of the car dad dad what are you going to do to her i went like this follow me and i walked in the house and sandy was cutting carrots on a board preparing dinner and uh i said hi honey how was your day right near the brink of tears she said oh fine i said come on put that away i'm going to take you out there everybody come on get in the car we're going to dinner we all had to get under the garage door which looked like it was about its eighth month of pregnancy by the way and uh we had a pile in our car it was really sort of funny just to see everybody piling this little convertible we're sitting at each other's laps drove into town had dinner came back didn't say a word didn't bring it up at dinner we walked under it a second time i walked back to my bedroom and chrissy who was 16 at the time followed me right to my bedroom i thought you were going to do something to mommy i said honey i did i loved her and with the help of state farm we got the car fixed the door fixed it's metal in 1970 i had a gto convertible a goat sandalwood yellow a big three two whatever it was a big engine i don't know what it was cost 5500 bucks brand new okay and uh i was going to tell you something about that oh and a guy at the university uh a service truck backed into it and put a hole right in it brand new two days old and my friend bill foster who's been a friend of mine for years his associate dean of students at the university came over and i was ranting a raven about it he put his arm around me said hey kevin it's metal it's metal you can fix metal you know it's things people tell you a long life's way that sort of come right into your heart that's one of them it's metal i think that's why years later when she cleared out that garage door i dealt with it i've had a conversation with two of my daughters and my wife and i've tried to get them to come to this agreement when you hit something if you could just stop we could save the family thousands and thousands of dollars she's also gone to driving school she's a graduate of driving school she also had her license suspended in new york state we live in new york state for only three months she got three tickets in three months the letter comes to our house in arizona in october i said honey your license has been suspended she said what that's ridiculous what are you talking about i said i read this letter to her oh that is the stupidest thing i ever heard of i did another oh i don't believe that oh you've got to be kidding me i was only going 45 yes honey but it says you were going 45 and i'm 25. but god is my judge i'm i don't share this very often but i said lord if there's any way she get one more ticket when we go back to new york early in the summer i'd be real thankful because i'd pay money to walk in the chautauqua county jail and see mrs uppington behind bars for just a second i'd just like to take one picture of it lord before i come and join you in heaven to see this perfect firstborn behind the bars for just just a split moment would be a great joy but you know people say do you know does your wife know that you talk about her the way you talk about her yes she does and there's certain stories i can't tell about her if she's in the audience fortunate for you tonight she is not on the audience and this is a woman who again she grew up in the first baptist church rules are very important to her okay now we live in the desert you know how hot it is in this place what do my wife's 90s look like what are they made of flannel right 5 8 inches thick flannel i have plywood in my garage that's thicker than some of those things she had she had 90 she had 90 ones that had feet in them feet in the 90 and no trap door i mean once she put that sucker on did you ever see a sign that said don't even think of parking here that would be mrs uppington well we're up in toronto canada celebrating our anniversary i think anniversaries are worth celebrating okay and we're up there and i took her to the phantom of the opera at the pantages theater and the next night was our anniversary and i had reserve i found out what is the best knock down five star five forker in all toronto i got reservations 7 30 reservations i like to eat at five o'clock we called it supper in buffalo and so she's getting ready and you got to wear a tie and i don't wear ties so i got a tie on a sport coat on i'm as good looking as i can get and i'm walking up and down pacing up and down she's in the john getting ready well one of my spiritual gifts is yelling so i'm saying hey honey come on you're not gonna hold i gotta get over there get out come on we gotta go i'll be right there sweetheart they lie like dogs ten minutes later i'm still walking back and forth finally she comes out and she walks out in this through 90. i'm gone how how come oh wow and also there's a pound on the door pound pound pound and she does a 180 back to john she's gone i mean i'm like a deer in a highway i mean i i really i didn't know what to do i hear this noise i go what is going on i got a sport caught on tom glenn she's she's see-through the baptist in a see-through so i go over to the door and to this day i don't know what the guy first told me okay and finally i said sir i've got your dinner here can i bring it in i go oh sure come on bring it in and he brings the thing with this little cart forgives me the leather thing and i sign my name he's gone i'm telling it was like it was choreographed and she came out okay this time she goes over and gets two little candles okay i'm still like i'm i i don't even know what to say or a woman i'm going this is not the woman i married okay and she goes oh i got these little candles and she goes come up to me like this and she caresses my face with three fingers on each side and she says leave me leave me she said it's okay she said i just thought it'd be nice if we ate in tonight i said okay and that's all the information you're going to get about that evening but i'm telling you that that is not mrs uppington's style years ago 1981 there was a woman who wrote a book called the total woman and somebody will help me out with her name anybody remember who wrote that book the total woman 1981 it revolutionized some things people in the church were talking about it because this woman talked about the fact and she encouraged this a christian book by the way she encouraged christian women to meet their husband at the door wrapping themselves in cellophane well you can imagine how that went over in the church in 1981 okay well anyway back in those days i was a dean of students at the u of a and my wife had called me and it was a strange call she called me late in the afternoon she said honey uh what time are you going to be home well again i'm a man okay i'm about as predictable as they they come you know what do you mean we're talking about i'll be home well actually i said no i'll be home actually yeah i'll be home a little early tonight what do you mean what time you come in i said what's the big deal oh nothing i just want to all right i got to go by i thought what the heck is going on well as it turned out i got delayed at the university and i think it home to about 6 30. i was like an hour overdue and i pulled up in the driveway i knew something was off right off the bat because the little kids were not in front to help me drive the car up the driveway and i walked into our home elevator music was on table was set for two with the good dishes that don't bounce back when you drop them and then i saw and then i saw this red yarn thick red yarn on the back of the door down to the door masking tape with a note written in red lipstick and it said follow this red string and you'll find a beautiful thing so i threw down my clothes i mean my briefcase and i and i followed the red yarn into the bathroom our bathroom and into a little drawer and i found another note and said not here dummy try the bedroom well i walked in and there wrapped in cellophane is the bride of my youth and i got to tell you the truth it was not a pretty sight the poor woman was sweating like a hog and you think cellophane would be easy to get off a body i'm here to tell you it is not easy not a wet clammy body it is not i had to go get the little rose cutter that was out in the kitchen drawer to get that sucker off and the and the first thing that happened quite frankly was this woman took a shower but you know i'm telling you that this part of life is important you have to understand how important sexual fulfillment is for a man and for a lot of women and this goes back to how god has created us as men and women look at the sexual response of a man the sexual response what's it like it's a spit in the ocean to put it bluntly okay now look at the sexual response of a woman completely different completely different ever see the movie when harry met sally the restaurant scene i'll have what she had now that response who who is created in such a way to enjoy sex more a man or a woman a woman big time big time but how difficult it is for women to quote have that kind of relationship because she needs this guy who is like the conductor of the orchestra because everything has to come together in such a way for that woman to be able to enjoy that intimate moment in marriage i do the view ever waste your time watching the view they talk about their partners they ask me questions i i'm out there the best book i ever wrote is a book called sheet music it's a sex book for couples one day in in barnes and noble i got inspired i looked at all these these titles and uh i thought man we perverted sex in every possible way wouldn't it be cool to write a book for married people and so they refer to partners and i would take their questions and say you know it's really important in marriage and all i did was reframe it i didn't beat them over the head or share this four spiritual laws but there's something unique and wonderful about these two people who love each other who are married who can have that intimate connection and enjoy a great sex life i mean that's pretty good strong stuff if you got that happening but i'm telling you in most marriages across the board that doesn't happen it doesn't happen well because most of us as men are lousy lovers you need to listen to your wife you need to be attentive to your wife when you take the garbage out without being asked that's foreplay when you're in bashes or safeway and you use your cell phone say honey i'm at the store do you need anything that's foreplay that says i care about you in all things you take your wife's hand and say honey could we pray about that i i'll show you how stupid i am i said to my wife one day i said honey would you make me a list of things that make me a better husband you know what she said sure i don't like the way she said sure and you know and the first thing she said on that list i remember this the best she said when i don't feel good take the kids to church anyway now how many of you admit when mama goes down the whole family goes down okay for men trying to be a mom boy that's a tough thing for a lot of us when sandy had a store she had a store on grant road a retail store with her oldest daughter called shabby hatty antiques and people came from miles around to buy her antiques she very artistic very good at what she did and i would try to i'd try to cook dinner i'd have to try to have dinner on the table and uh and it's funny how that worked out because i don't how do you women get things to come out all the same time that was my big dilemma whenever i cooked and i wanted i wanted to surprise her and have dinner on the table when she walked in and it was never ready on time and so i'd say things like all right everybody come to the table we're going to have a corn and then 10 minutes later all right everybody come back with that potato and finally the dead chicken parts are now ready come on in you know then one day one day i wanted i do she goes to costco and she gives us pork tenderloin i'm telling you knock down drag out good pork tenderloin over costco and i knew she put soup on it but i wanted to surprise her see i love the surprise thing but i couldn't remember what kind of soup she put on it but i didn't want to call her so i thought i thought it was chicken noodle so i went and i got chicken noodle soup and i put it in there 350 did everything right put the chicken noodle soup on it by the way later i discovered it wasn't chicken noodle it was uh onion soup onion soup well the problem is it came out it looked like there were maggots all over it they look like little white worms and and no one would eat it you know we still laugh about that today but you know what she'll still come up and she'll give me a hug and she'll say kiss you say honey you got an a for effort we still laugh about nobody ate it okay i'll be clear about that but see a woman wants to know that you care about her that you care about everything about her and you love her just the way she is but if you got that critical eye you got that critical spirit i see some of you who have kids okay who start a lot of projects and don't finish them these are the kids who draw pictures and tear them up before their eyes okay and they set you up to say well honey why'd you do that well i don't like that or these are the kids who if they don't color in the lines they're done and these kids grow up to be adults these are the people are always going to hit home runs but they never do these are the people who tread water in life they're big on the talk they're short on the walk they're a dime a dozen but you know what those people usually grow up with critical-eyed parents and the problem is if you have a criticality parent in your background you're going to should on yourself as i like to say and should on other people and you're always communicating to other people to jump up jump higher jump job you know god god doesn't treat us like that he says as dumb and stupid as you are kevin lehman i love you just the way you are all i want you to do is love me if you love me in here in my heart in your heart then we're cool it's as simple as that but that critical eye if you're one of those husbands who's already given your wife the cheap shot i'm telling you she's not going to respond to you and here's the irony what makes you good in your work as an engineer where are engineers here i'll pick on you engineers okay and you architects any architects in the place by the way architects could not write a sentence if you ask them to they'll block print it so will the engineers that are here but what makes you a good engineer which makes you a good watchmaker which makes you a good english teacher or an accountant anywhere where perfection is paid off that same skill works against you in relationships with those you love gentlemen you're lucky enough to have a wife who cooks they're getting hard to find okay you sit down to dinner and as only you can say hey what's with the broccoli you found the flaw okay you get paid for finding flaws as you write computer programs for the county or the city you found the flaw it won't be rewarded you might be wearing broccoli shortly you see what i'm saying so this thing called marriage is it simple but simply than most people think it is for sure but a couple things for you men to understand number one affectionately love your wife ask her opinion on things listen to me ask her opinion about things that you should be doing in life she's a much better judge of that be interested in what she's interested in whatever her interest is i'm sitting there i sit and watch project runway have you ever watched how many men here watch project runway yeah those are a few people have good sex lives on the rest don't commit to listening to her commit to listening to her don't tell her what to do okay just listen to her discover her love language her love language every woman has a love language my friend gary chapman wrote that wonderful little book talks about physical touch quality time acts of service words of affirmation and gifts mrs uppington is the great gift giver of all she's a gift giver i'm a quality time person okay if you look at your love languages as husbands and wives in this room you have different love languages what does your husband complain about ladies whatever he complains about that's his love language what does your wife complain about gentlemen whatever she complains about that she's telling you that's her love language she wants to be loved in those terms okay we do a cruise once a year in the caribbean called couples of promise you're welcome to come in fact we've opened it up to singles for next year it's rodeo week next year you can come on our cruise and uh she's handing out envelopes on our cruise a couple years ago to people and i go hey you know and debbie confides in me tells me what's going on she's handing out massages to people you go get a massage okay she handed out nine of them to people to couples to go get a massage okay they're 115 bucks a pop i'm going hey honey this isn't licorice this isn't pretzel sticks that would never enter her mind oh no it's just a little something i just love people she loves people she she had no boundaries in her loving people now i'm telling you she needs me i need me our checkbook needs me you know what i'm saying and anybody who knows me would tell they'd tell you i'm a generous person okay i'm a giver i'm not i'm not a taker okay i don't like to ask anybody for anything but uh that's mrs uppington to you women i would say understand he's not your girlfriend okay he's your husband okay realize he's like a four-year-old that shaves he's simple needed wanted by you and respected those things are in line he's one happy dude be assertive in some of those intimate areas of life do something different kidnap the sucker you know find a reason to take his car you say that costs money so do tv sets okay flat screen tvs cost a lot of money still okay invest in your marriage marriage is like a delicate plan you want to invest in something invest in some that's why this church does things like this because they think it's good teaching we can get this teaching all the time about just how simple this thing isn't called marriage and again i go back to this basic tenet that there are people who are really counting on you to stay married so is there a spiritual basis for marriage of course there is and if they have that you've got that intimate connection i mean that's that's just icing on top of the cake but how different we are who thinks more about sex and marriage men or women men but how many more times does your husband think about sex in a day there's the question today's the sabbath let's start with today how many times do you think your husband how many more times do you think your husband thought about sex today than you did ladies this is multiple choice you can pick your number twice as much five times as much 10 times as much 33 times as much answer 33 more times in a day you don't believe that it's true i shared that with mrs uppington she said that's sick one woman told me she said well i thought about it but only because he brought it up that's who men are men men are driven in that area you say lehman you missed our marriage 100 we're 180 degrees different that's true 10 to 15 percent of you are completely switched whereas the wife who's the aggressor in this sexual area and the man isn't other reasons for that yes there are reasons for that everybody is not the same all women are not the same i was talking about shoppers you know i got three four daughters three of them are shoppers and one of them's a bagger one of them goes in and bags what she wants comes out she's done the other are very stereotypical are all men the same no all men are not the same men are very different your job ladies is to understand who this man is what his needs are this scripture and again you'd be a heathen listen to this one honor christ by submitting to each other you've got to know who you're leading you need to know all our idiosyncrasies i don't like that i i learned that early in our marriage what do you think you're doing she says what are you doing what do you mean what am i doing question and answer period i thought it'd be a little give and take here babe you know that's who she is i mean she's conservative as the is the day is long so who she is be nice to see her get out of the shower you know what i see holiday in but she surprised the socks out of me so many times in life because she knows her limit and she knows what lee me needs and wants in life isn't that interesting you have to have head knowledge of who this woman is who this man is but you got to follow through what better investment to and you know take him on an overnight ladies do something different how about an email that gets his attention how about a little note in his lunch pail how about note in between his computer when he opens it up there's a little love note put something in his lunch she'll be shocked he won't pull that out in front of the man he works with put a little note on her maybe they could be pink in color a little note that says i'll be waiting for you when you get home can't wait to see you big boy you know what he'll do he'll walk into his boss's home and say boss i got a migraine i need to go home immediately grant and fantasy what you can't in reality i tell you there's something healthy about a husband a wife who cherish each other honor each other and know what the other person likes i think most of us know what would please our husbands i think most of us know what would please our wives but we don't do it because we're selfish marriage is not a competitive sport if someone's winning your marriage everybody loses you speak well of your husband i'll tell you i'll never go you'll never go wrong ladies show your husband show him how much you love him you know some of you listen to focus on the family over the years for those of you don't know that's jim dobson and now dobson's left focus on the family but i made a note to myself the number one program top in top 10 programs was have a new husband by friday now that's the book i wrote for you women okay it's not a cash for clunkers program we're not talking about dumping your husband harold we're talking about understanding herald okay and i thought wouldn't be cool to write a book to women who are sorry like chanel and they understand relationships but the whole point of that book is you don't understand what that husband thinks like and who he really is and the key is to understand this man this sounds archaic but he wants to be your hero he wants to please you and a lot of women they say lemon you got to be kidding me he doesn't act like he wants to please me he does so he gets turned off when he gets turned down he becomes this little four-year-old he does his little pout thing he goes under his little turtle shell and he just shuts you off and the way he can shut you off is by not talking and you try to ask him questions he's not going to give you anything nothing we don't like questions tell me more about that you want to get your husband's attention ladies touch them touch them one lady said lima i try that next thing i know is look at the ceiling yeah enjoy those things happen that's who he is i'd be careful when you touch him you know you might plan that plan spontaneity i call it but anyway uh rules to live by ladies he's not your husband he's your husband not your girlfriend excuse me he doesn't and never will think like you how many of you spend so much time trying to get him to think like you he doesn't think like you he's equal but not the same now i've shared the podium with gloria steinem now can you imagine two people who see life differently than gloria baby and myself there was a celebration of womanhood celebration of womanhood at the university of illinois in champaign fifteen thousand women descend upon that city keynote speakers gloria baby and me i can't think of two people who talk about and i gave the most traditional talk on marriage it was fun i couldn't wait to get to the phone and and call mrs uppington and tell him about the response fifteen thousand women on their feet after i had spoken to them about what marriage is all about and interesting she spoke in the morning okay she also got a standing ovation she spoke about healthy self-esteem i rode with her in the limousine to the airport she cried half the way didn't think people liked her again her topic healthy self-esteem for the record self-esteem is not in god's word that's one of those little inventions that we've done in our culture today you got to be happy happy happy i got news for you your kids don't need to be happy all the time and you're not going to be happy all the time it's called marriage it's called work and you work together you try to get behind each other's eyes there's days that are better than others the scripture tells us don't let the sun go down on your anger learn to talk about things a lot of us as men we don't talk to anybody okay now if you're going to criticize what we say and evaluate what we say he's never coming out ladies he's going to stay there and you're going to live a life that's not quite frankly much fun women as little girls talking we talk little boys talk and i talk me talk okay women by their nature are relational men are okay so men special lines in arms length relationships does your husband want an arms lengthy relationship with you no he wants an intimate relationship with you but if you're going to be critical of him he reverts to that four-year-old he shuts down and you're done as simple as that

Channel: Victory Worship Center

Views: 127,999

Rating: 4.8659716 out of 5

Keywords: Kevin Leman, Victory Worship Center, Parenting, Marriage

Id: x8TYoCqp7bw

Length: 93min 46sec (5626 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 13 2013