Dr. Gary Chapman - Dealing Effectively With Our Failures

like to be back again tonight you know he was talking about alpha shall is the business manager in our church and I have known him since the early 70s when he came here from Iowa to go to Wake Forest University and he came to Christ in our church and then later we called him back to be our business manager so it's great to have him with me tonight and I'm glad to be back with you how many of you were here last week okay how many of you were not here last week okay a few of you all right well good well tonight my topic is dealing effectively with our failures I believe you guys going to advance that from the back if you want to other side with me and I'll just kind of count on you having it up there okay we'll see if that works if it doesn't I've got this and I'll do it I'll do it tonight okay I believe that there are two essentials to successful relationships in the family or out the family for that for that matter the first essential is that the individuals feel loved and appreciated I talked about that when I was with you I don't know a year or so ago when people feel loved and appreciated husbands and wives parents and children then there's going to be a long-term healthy relationship that's one of the essentials now you will know that it is possible to have a long term marriage and not have a healthy marriage there are people who live together for 30 years and so they have a long term marriage but they don't have a healthy marriage if it's going to be long term and healthy they must love each other in a language that the other person will feel and understand and that's when I address the five love languages when I was with you a year or so ago okay the second essential however is that the individuals will deal effectively with their failures and that's what I want to tonight that we have to deal effectively with our failures now the reason I say that is because none of us are perfect there are no perfect husbands now one man did raise his hand when the pastor said does anyone know four perfect husband he shot he's saying write up he said my wife's first husband well the reality is my observation is if there are any perfect husbands they are deceased and most of them got perfect after they died the reality is there are no perfect husbands there are no perfect wives there are no perfect children there are no perfect parents we don't have to be perfect to have healthy marriages and families but we do have to deal effectively with our failures otherwise we will not help healthy families so I want to talk to you tonight on this topic and essentially what this requires is apology and forgiveness and we're going to look at both of those tonight apology and forgiveness now the Bible is very big on this matter of apologizing listen to these verses and you'll see them on the screen proverbs 28 verse 13 he who conceals his sins does not prosper but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy now that's always true with God if you try to hide your sins from God you're not gonna prosper but if you confess your sins to God and you turn from your sins you'll always find mercy with God and usually in the family if you'll confess your failures and you turn from your failures you'll find your spouse will forgive you your children will forgive you same principle is true but if you don't and you act like everything's okay I didn't do anything really wrong then you're not gonna prosper in your family relationships listen to this verse Isaiah 59 verse 2 God said your iniquities have separated you from your God your sins have hidden his face from you so that he will not hear you say when we sin against God we put a barrier between us and God and the scriptures say God doesn't hear us he not the only prayer God hears when the barriers there is the prayer of confession but if we we dis act like nothing's happened no there's a barrier there and God doesn't hear the same thing is true in family life when a husband screams at his wife and then walks off and acts like everything is all right and that didn't really matter nothing no he put a barrier between the two of them and the barrier sits there until he's willing to apologize and she's willing to forgive Matthew chapter 5 indicates how strongly Jesus felt about this whole thing listen to what Jesus said therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar and there you remember that your brother or your wife or your husband or your child or your parent has something against you you've sinned against them leave your gift there in front of the altar first go be reconciled to your brother and then come back and offer your gift now put that into our context jesus said if you come to church and you're sitting here in church and you realize that you have sinned against your wife or husband or brother anybody else leave the church and go be reconciled to the brother and then come back and worship me pastor I've often wondered what would happened on Sunday morning if we practice that you know one pastor did tell me he said duck jam and he said my wife and I were riding to church one morning he said I I was all uptight and I kind of spoke harshly to my wife and he said after that there was a silence and then we got the church and I dropped her off at the door and she went inside and I parked the car and then I went in the church as I'm sitting there and the people the choir singing everybody singing and and I know that I'm gonna have to get up and preach in a few minutes and he said I'm thinking man you the biggest hypocrite in this church just yelling at your wife in the car and they even get them preached with all these people and he's like I just couldn't do it and as I turned around my wife was in the choir and I kind of caught her eye and I motioned to her and she knew what I meant and so she went out and met me in the hallway and I said honey I'm sorry for the way I talked to you in the car shouldn't have raised my voice to you like that and I hope you'll forgive me and she said honey you know I forgive you and she gave him a big hug he's all up back in and I could preach so he was practicing what Jesus taught I mean Jesus is big on this thing of dealing with our failures so here's my question where do we learn to apologize typically from our parents are someone who served as our parents little Johnny pushes his sister down the stairs and mother says Johnny you don't do that the sister go tell her you're sorry so little Johnny says I'm sorry even if he's not I'm sorry he's 23 he sins against his wife what's he gonna do I'm sorry now some people learn from their parents not to apologize we found out when we were doing research on this topic I say we because I wrote this book with dr. Jennifer Thomas who is a Christian counselor here in our city we found out that about 10% of the population almost never apologizes and most of them are men and most of them learn that from their fathers their father said real men don't apologize now you know where their fathers got that from John Wayne that great theologian real men don't apologize and then some of us our fathers never told us that but we never heard our fathers apologize so I remember as a child eight years old or so I'm in the backseat of the car my father's driving my mother's beside her beside him and along the road something came up and my father spoke rather loudly and harshly to my mother and my mother just clammed up looking back on it I assumed that she had learned that if she responded he'd just get louder and so she just clammed up now I'm in the backseat as a child and I'm not feeling real well because the man I admire most in my life has just spoken harshly to the woman I admire most in my life and it's not a very secure feeling for a child in the backseat I never heard my father apologize to my mother I'm not saying he didn't maybe he did in private but I never heard him apologize to my mother so I came into marriage with no model of apology my father didn't say don't apologize I just never saw a model of it so some of us have to learn as adults how to apologize but most of us do learn some form of an apology from our parents problem is that we had different parents so we learn different ways of apologizing you see the key question in the back of our minds when we are when someone's apologizing to us the key question is are they sincere isn't that what we're asking in our minds are they sincere or are they just trying to get this out of the way because if we think they're sincere we're willing to forgive them but if they're just trying to get rid of this and then you know act like it's nothing no big deal then it's harder for us to forgive them so we did research for two years trying to find out how people determine whether the person is sincere and after two years of research here's what we found this is what a sincere apology looks like if you can pull this off they will believe that you are sincere okay I know I'm kind of going in and out it sounds like if you all want to change this thing it's okay with me I'm flexible I can talk while we change it in whatever you want to do but otherwise I'll just carry on well here's what we really found we really found that there are five basic ways that people apologize I and we call them the five languages of apology we learned them from our parents and what I want to do is share these with you because we tend to judge sincerity based on whether or not they're speaking their apology in the language that we think they should be speaking in so I want to share this with you all all five of these are found in the Bible so let me let me share them with you what are the five languages of apology number one is expressing regret often with the words I'm sorry now this language is trying to communicate emotionally to the other person that you feel badly about what has happened you mean to use that James do you think I'd be better yeah look let's just turn turn that off we okay testing one two three okay that better all right good expressing regret is trying to communicate to the other person that I really feel badly about what I've done and often we use the words I'm sorry but please don't ever use those two words alone tell them what you're sorry for I'm sorry that I lost my temper and yelled at you I'm sorry that I came home an hour and a half late and we've missed the program tell them what you're sorry for you see if you simply say I'm sorry your spouse may well be thinking you certainly are is there anything else you'd like to say you say you think that you're apologizing and they think you're giving a character report so tell them what you're sorry for and don't ever add the word but I'm sorry that I lost my temper and yelled at you but if you had not then I would not and now you're not apologizing you're blaming them for your poor behavior and some of you have a habit of putting that butt in there so I'm going to give you a little way of how to break the habit the next time you hear yourself apologizing and then you say but you just stop and sup excuse me erase the butt and you will not erase it but three or four times and you'll break that habit okay so apologizing one one language is expressing regret and this also is in the Bible let me give you two examples Luke chapter 15 verse 21 the prodigal son listen to what he said to his father I'm no longer worthy to be called your son you feel the regret in his voice he had squandered all the money his father gave him he's hungry he's coming home he says father I'm not worthy to be your son if you could just give me a job on the farm so I could have something to eat he deeply regrets what he has done and he's trying to express that to his father Psalm 51 verse 17 says a broken and contrite heart Oh God you will not despise any time you come to God with a broken heart over what you've done and you acknowledge to God that you're sorry for what you have done and God always knows your heart God will never turn away from a broken heart I don't care what sin you've committed it can be the worst thing you can imagine but if you come with a broken heart to God deeply regretting what you have done God will forgive you and most of the time people will forgive you if you come with a broken heart and you come expressing regret over what you have done so that is the first language of apology expressing regret the second apology language is accepting responsibility I was wrong should not have done that no excuse for that I accept full responsibility I was wrong now some of you have difficulty saying the words I was wrong and the people that have most difficulty are those who grew up in a home where every day their parents told them what they were doing wrong seldom ever told them what they were doing right and somewhere in that child psyche they grew up with the idea that if I ever get to be big I'll never be wrong again and so they have a hard time saying I was wrong because that makes that that communicates to them mama was right daddy was right I'm no good well the reality is that all of us sin and we all have to come down off the pedestal and acknowledge we're all sinners and we all hurt the people we love the most in our families and so we have to learn to accept responsibility for our behavior I remember years ago before I was as spiritual as I am now I got up one morning and I said to my wife Carolyn where's my briefcase and she said I haven't seen it I said well he was in there by the dresser I mean you must have moved it and she said Gary I haven't seen your briefcase I said Carolyn think I know where the thing was who else would have moved it I went on two or three more rounds I got higher higher higher I was screaming at my wife can you believe that me screaming at my wife now I was nice to the kids got the kids in the car took him to school have a nice day - dah dah dah dah dah but when I got rid of the kids I drove from the school to the church where my office is thinking to myself how could I have married such a scatterbrain woman this times he's lost my briefcase I don't even know who I'm going to see today what am I supposed to do today my whole schedules in my briefcase I don't know how I'm gonna operate today how can I marry the woman that just misplaced my briefcase when I got the church I did not walk in by the administrative assistants I went in the back door to my office folks when you have sinned you don't want to see people you want to do what Adam and Eve did in the garden get behind the bush and hope God won't see you I went in the back door to my office and when I opened the door walked into my office there was my briefcase now I have an option I can say to myself I'm not gonna let her know was out here and I can hope she'll forget the ordeal or I could practice what I preach and if I had done the former I obviously would not be using this for an illustration so I've called her on the phone hi babe family briefcase she didn't say anything she knew there ought to be more to it than that and so I said I'm sorry for the way I talked to you I I I what I was wrong I didn't say was the easy so some of us have a hard time in admitting I was wrong in fact why don't ya and you know what she said I thought you'd call because we're committed to dealing with our failures now let's just see if you can say that out loud because I know some of you have never said these words so let's just say it out loud I was wrong here we go I was wrong see some of you had trouble even on a dry run I was wrong now the Bible is very big on this also listen to these words again the prodigal son Luke 15 verse 21 I have sinned against heaven and against you I have sinned incidentally anytime you sin against your husband and wife or a family member you also sin against God so we need to confess our sins to God and then we need to apologize to our family members first John 1:9 if we confess our sins the word means to agree with if we agree with God about our sins and God is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins if we're willing to admit that we've sinned then God is willing to forgive us and the same principle is true on the human level incidentally this is the first step in teaching children how to apologize effectively helping them accept responsibility for their behavior a three-year-old breaks the cookie and says it broke it broke and the parent says honey let's say that a different way I broke the cookie I broke the cookie not a sin to break a cookie we're just trying to teach the child to accept responsibility for her hers or his behavior our son was probably six or seven we were both in the kitchen he accidentally knocked the glass off the table it hit the floor and shattered and I looked at him and he said it did it by itself and I said Derek let's say that a different way I accidentally knocked the glass off the table and he said I said dearly not the glass off the table not a sin did accidentally like a glass off the table I'm just trying to help him accept responsibility for his behavior he's not going to grow up to be perfect and he needs to learn how to accept responsibility for his behavior I was wrong and for some people this is what it means to apologize and if you don't admit that you were wrong then they have trouble believing that you're sincere the third language is making restitution our offering to make restitution what can I do to make this right my guess is that the good percentage of you who have never even thought of this let alone done it offering to make restitution I sent the manuscript of this book to a counselor friend of mine in California and I said I want you to read this and give me feedback he wrote back in about a month and he said Gary man this book has helped me and my wife he said you know we've been married 20 years and he said any time that my wife offends me or does something to hurt me as long as she tells me I'm sorry I I regret doing that he said it's man I can forgive her I can let it go he said so what have I done for 20 years when I offend her I tell her that I'm sorry he said to me that's a sincere apology I'm sorry but he said for 20 years it's always seemed she had a hard time letting it go I mean sometimes she'd say yeah I forgive you but he said I could just tell she couldn't let it go and he said we were working through the book and we got to this one on making restitution my wife said that's it that's what I've been waiting for for 20 years to hear you offer to make things right he said Gary it never occurred to me to offer to make things right he said but now I do and every time I do she has an idea now let me just throw this in because the nature of the offense will often call for more than one of these languages if it's a really severe offense I suggest you speak all five of these let's say guys now you guys would never do this but let's say that you forget your anniversary no flowers no candy no dinner nothing and you're sitting there that night and you look over on the couch and she's crying and you say honey what's wrong and she said I can't believe you don't know what's wrong and it dawns on you I doubt that I'm sorry it's gonna hack it but if you tell her oh honey I am so sorry oh honey I thought about it two days ago I even thought about it yesterday and I was going to do but honey I am so sorry I am so sorry but honey look look I know we can't do anything tonight but let me make it up to you I mean we can celebrate on another day honey did just give me an idea what could we do to celebrate let me make it up to you she'll have an idea a little trip to Hawaii just might do it yeah she'll have an idea and for some people this is what they're waiting to hear for you to offer to make things right listen to these words in Luke 19 and verse 8 this is Zacchaeus after he encountered Jesus Lord if I've cheated anyone I will pay back four times the amount I took that is restitution incidentally all of these have tremendous implications for business you're in a restaurant and the waiter or the waitress accidentally spill something on your dress or on your coat and they say oh I am so sorry I am so sorry I am so sorry and that's all they say and you're sitting there with a gravy dripping down thinking sorry yeah I'm sorry too you know I mean you don't have real good feelings about the waitress sort of or the restaurant but if the owner or the manager comes out and says the waiter or waitress told me what happened and of course we know it was an accident but listen we want to make this up to you I mean this meal is on us this is the least we can do and if you're bringing you the ticket by when you get it clean we will be glad to pay to get it clean you're going to go back to that place you see because they showed you not only they were sorry but they they offer to make restitution they reached out to do something for you so this is a powerful language of apology a fourth language of apology is genuinely repenting or expressing the desire to change I don't want to keep doing this I know I did the same thing last week or last month I don't like this about me can we talk can you help me can we get a plan that I won't do this again I don't want to keep doing this you see you're expressing the desire to change your behavior you know what the word repent means to turn around you're walking in this direction you repent you walk in this direction so we turn away from our sin and express the desire to change our behavior and again for some people this is what it means to apologize and if you don't express the desire to change your behavior than in their mind you have not apologized dr. Thomas was sharing this concept with her mother and her mother said well honey I can give you a perfect example of that at work she said I have a friend at work we've been friends for 15 years I mean close friends but I noticed that for the last two or three days this friend had been kind of cold and so we were on break one day and I said to her is everything all right between you and me that's the way friends talk to each other is everything all right between you and me and she said my friend said to me you know what I don't like about you you don't ever apologize and her mother said I was shocked and I said what do you mean and she said you remember three weeks ago when you did dah dah dah dah dah and she said yes I remember that but I told you I was sorry and the lady said I know but you but you didn't ask me to forgive you oh she said well then let me ask you to forgive me because I value your relationship and she and and she said will you please forgive me and the lady said sure you see it wasn't that she did not want to forgive her it's in her mind her mother had not asked her to forgive me which leads which well let me give you the verse on the on the further one first acts 2:38 repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of sins the Bible is big on for repentance okay and then the next language is the one I just illustrated that is requesting forgiveness will you please forgive me that's what the lady was wanting to hear she was wanting to hear her mother ask her to forgive her now some of you will think well Gary why would you have to ask them to forgive you I mean don't they know if you're apologizing that you want to be forgiven so why would you have to ask for forgiveness well because some people in their mind this is what it means to apologize you ask for forgiveness you don't have to simply use those words will you forgive me you can say I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me I value our relationship and I hope you can forgive me because ultimately if they don't forgive you the relationships not going forward so you're hoping that they will forgive you Psalm 51 verse two listen to the words of David he says to God blot out my transgressions wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin three different ways he's asking God to forgive him can I go back and give you an example on the on the genuinely repenting had a lady in my office I was explaining these five languages and she said Gary I can give you a perfect example of that she said several years ago when our baby was little my husband got angry with our baby she said he was about 12 to 18 months old and he was crying and he had done everything he could to get the baby to stop crying the baby wouldn't stop crying and finally he got so angry he picked up our baby and started shaking our baby and when he did she said I grabbed our baby said don't do that through our baby and I ran to our bedroom just sobbing she said ten minutes later he knocked on the door and he asked if he could come in and you open the door it said honey I can't believe I did that you know I love our baby I can't believe I did that I don't ever want to do that again can you help me can we get a plan where I won't ever do that again I don't ever want to do that again she said duck Sam I sensed his sincerity and I said honey okay let's talk and we talked we came up she said with a very simple plan but if he ever felt himself about to lose it with one of our children he would turn to me and say honey I'm getting hot I've got to take a walk and he'd take a walk and then 30 minutes later he'd come back and say he didn't take the whole evening off he'd come back in 30 minutes and say honey I'm calmed down now what can I do to help you he'd plug back in and she said dr. Chapman that was eight years ago he's never lost his temper with one of our children since then he's taken several walks but he's never lost his temper you see for some people if you don't express the desire to change your behavior then you haven't apologized so these are the five languages of apology now here's what I want to suggest that each of us has a primary apology language that is one of these was talked to you by your parents growing up and that's what you think a sincere apology is and people can say the others but you tend to judge them as being insincere if they don't express it in your language so if you want to connect in the marriage and family if you want to connect you want to communicate your sincerity you must learn to speak the other person's language now I know you've never said some of those words before you've never said I was wrong and you'll argue well I didn't do anything wrong I'm not talking morally wrong I'm talking about hurting the relationship maybe what you did was not morally wrong but it's obvious it hurt the relationship you remember a few years ago my wife I walked in one day him at the chair which on which I said every morning to put my shoes on she'd had it upholstered a whole new thing and I noticed it yeah and I sat down you know and then she walked in and she's a honey high like the chair and I said well honey it's fine honey I said bye I think I really like the other one better and she bursts in the tears you don't have any idea how much time I spent going all over this town trying to find the fabric to match the other fabric and I don't know I don't know now folks it was not a sin for me just to tell her what I thought that was not a sin but he was wrong it was wrong you know in retrospect it was wrong it hurt my wife and so I needed to say no only I'm sorry but honey I was wrong I should not have said that and of course I told her I had no idea how much time she'd spent how much intercede she'd spent on that you know so guys it's be careful you know I mean be careful your wife up hosts a charity to brag on it so some of us will have some learning to do in a marriage we got to learn how to how to express an apology in a different way I remember I was doing a workshop for single adults on this topic before the book ever came out and after I finished the workshop a young couple came up they were they were engaged to each other and his name was Carl and he said I'm not real glad I came to this thing I said really why he said well he said those languages he said she told me because we I did a little quiz with him he said she told me that that her language was for me to say I'm sorry and he said I've never said those words he said they sound kind of girly to me he said I don't I don't know that I can say those words he said so how are we going to get along in our marriage if I can't apologize in her language and I said well Carl let me ask you a question have you ever done anything in your whole life that you sincerely regretted he said well yeah I said well could you tell me one he said well he said when my mother died I came home for the funeral and the night before the funeral I went out to the bar I was just going to get a drink but I got drunk and he said I got so drunk that the next morning even mama's funeral I didn't remember anything that happened at the funeral the whole thing was just a haze to me and I've always regretted that because I loved mama and my mama was always on my case about drinking too much and I just felt like I let mama down and said I've always regretted that I said well Karl if you could talk to your mother right now what would you say to her and tears came to his eyes he said tell her I'm sorry went out and got drunk tonight for funeral I wish I'd gone that bar the first place he said I'm just I'm sorry I am hope she knows I love her so much and he just went on and on and when he got through I said Karl you know what you just did he's a yellow mom I'm sorry and then he said you think she heard me pastors I don't know about the theology of this but I said to him yeah man I think she hurts you and I think she forgave you you know the bible does say there's rejoicing in the presence of the Angels when one sinner repents didn't say the Angels rejoice ed rejoicing in the presence of the angel so I think maybe his momma did hear him and Momma his mama forgave him and I said car you know what you just did you just demonstrate you can say the words I'm sorry he said yeah I can't he's I'm so glad I came I saw that couple of year later they were married now and they came to one of my marriage seminars and I said to his wife I said listen can Carl say I'm sorry she's an old dog Kevin he's such a good apologizer said yeah he can say I'm sorry I said does he speak your love language he's old doc Chapman he knows how he knows how to love me and then I flipped it the other way around and then here they are one year in the marriage and they're getting getting along great why they learn two things they learn how to love each other and they learn how to deal with their failures effectively okay now how do you discover your primary apology language if you want to know what your primary how do you discover it well let me suggest three questions you can ask ask yourself number one when I apologize what do I typically say or do just think about the last time you apologized what did you say or do if you can't remember the last time you apologized you're overdue what do you normally do or say when you apologize that's that's one question here's the second question what hurts me most deeply about this situation if your spouse is trying to apologize to you maybe they have apologized to you and you're having trouble letting it go ask yourself what hurts me most deeply about this situation if you say what hurts me most deeply is he won't admit that he's wrong he said he was sorry but he won't admit that he's wrong you're telling yourself what your language is accepting responsibility if you say what hurts me most is they don't make any offer to make things right yeah he said he's sorry she said she was sorry and she said she was wrong but she made no effort to make things up you're telling yourself that your language is making restitution so what hurts you most deeply about a given situation and then question number three what could they say or do that would make it easier for me to forgive them if you've got something you're still having a hard time letting it go what could they say or do that would make it easier for you to forgive them if you answer those three questions you you will pretty well know what you consider to be a sincere apology what your apology language is now let's move to the second part of the whole equation because apology alone will never restore relationship its apology and forgiveness that restores relationships so let's look at forgiveness now God is our model in forgiveness as in all other things listen to this verse Ephesians chapter 4 verse 32 be kind to one another forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you so we are to forgive each other in the same way that God forgives us so how does God forgive us first John 1:9 if we confess our sins God is faithful and just to forgive our sins God forgives us in response to our apology or we are our confession to God that we have sinned and we reach out to ask forgiveness of God God doesn't forgive everybody God does not walk around forgiving everybody of their sins no if we confess our sins return from our sins then God forgives our sins now we are to forgive each other in the same way now what is forgiveness there are three Hebrew words and four Greek words that are translated forgiveness in the old and new testaments but the primary primary meaning of those words is to pardon or to take away to pardon or to take away listen to these illustrations Jeremiah this is not on the screen Jeremiah 31 verse 34 God said I will forgive your sins and never again remember them against you forgive your sins and never remember them against you that's pardon pardon he's never going to hold them against you listen to this one Psalm 103 verse 12 as far as the east is from the west so far has God removed our transgressions from us he's taken our transgressions away he's removed them from us so that's essentially what the word means to pardon or to take away so forgiveness is a godly response to an apology we're following God's example it's a godly response to an apology now let me just be very honest with you because sometimes we have the idea that that forgiveness erases everything and makes everything like it was before let me talk about what forgiveness does not do now listen carefully to me what forgiveness does not do number one forgiveness does not destroy our memory you've heard people say perhaps if you haven't forgot you haven't forgiven that is not true everything that's ever happened to us is recorded in the brain and when your spouse sins against you or your child sins against you or your parents sinned against you even if they come and apologise and even if you forgive them you will still remember what happened the memory will jump back in your mind from time to time secondly forgiveness does not remove all painful emotions when the memory comes back the pain comes back sometimes it's hurt sometimes it's disappointment sometimes it's anger but the emotion comes back when you have the memory now let me pause to say where you going to do about that when the memory comes back and the emotion comes back and here you are remembering what they did and and you're feeling all these emotions again what are you going to do with that I suggest you take it to God and you say Lord you know what I'm remembering tonight and you know what I'm feeling again but I thank you that that's forgiven now help me to do something good today and you don't let the failures of yesterday mess up today they apologized you forgave them the memory comes back the pain comes back you take it to God and you say you know what I'm remembering you know what I'm feeling but I thank you that I forgave them now help me to do something good today and you don't allow the memory to keep you to control your behavior number three forgiveness does not remove all the consequences of sin in our day in some circles we've preached so much the freedom of forgiveness God will forgive you God will forgive you God will forgive you that people have the idea it's not so not so bad to sin because you just sin and enjoy and then God will forgive you and everything is okay folks there's a lot of consequences of sin that are not removed with forgiveness God can forgive you your spouse can forgive you but the consequences are still there for example let's say that I that I get drunk and I'm driving my car drunk and I have an accident and my car gets messed up and my leg gets broken I can confess my sin to God right there in the car before the police get there and God will forgive me but my car's still messed up and my legs still broken a father leaves his wife runs off with another woman leaves his kids goes to another state doesn't show up for 20 years he gets converted comes to know Christ begins to change his life comes back and apologizes to that wife apologizes to his children they may all forgive him but that doesn't make up for the 20 years he lost are you with me we get sexually involved in sexual sins and yes God will forgive us for any sexual sin but it doesn't take away the disease that we got through the sexual sin and it doesn't take away the pain and the hurt and the scars that are still there that we have to live with for a lifetime so sin is a serious business we are never better for having sinned but thank God there is forgiveness and and we can be we can walk with God and we can walk with each other number four forgiveness does not rebuild trust I've heard people say in my office particularly in cases where a husband or wife has been unfaithful to the other sexually and now they've repented and come back and they're asking forgiveness they're trying to rebuild and the spouse will say well you know dr. Chapman I've forgiven him or I've forgiven her but to be honest with you I don't trust them and I say welcome to the human race forgiveness does not restore trust forgiveness opens the door to the possibility that trust can be reborn you see people lose trust in each other because they're untrustworthy they broke the Covenant they were unfaithful and so they the person lost trust it's regained by being trustworthy so I say to a couple if they're trying to rebuild their marriage after an affair I say to the one who's been unfaithful if you're serious and you want your spouse to come to trust you again then your attitude needs to be my cellphone is yours anytime you want to look at phone my iPad is yours I mean and if I tell you I'm going over to George's house to help him work on his car it's fine to call over there and see if I'm there I am through with deceit I'm going to be faithful to you and and and what will happen if you follow that pattern in six months or nine months they'll trust you again because you became trustworthy so forgiveness does not restore trust it opens the door to the possibility of trust being reborn and number five forgiveness does not always result in reconciliation most of the time it does reconciliation has to do with coming back to where the relationship can grow again but you see sometimes spouses have left each other in anger and hurt and all of that and then both of them begin to work on their relationship with God and they come back later and apologize and forgive each other but they're already remarried to somebody else that are going to be reconciled but they can forgive each other and then go on you know so so don't don't equate forgiveness with reconciliation though most of the time reconciliation does forgiveness does lead to reconciliation now I want to address a couple of issues that often come up the first one is what if a person does not speak your apology language your spouse they're apologizing but they're not speaking your language well here's what happens by nature we will question their sincerity that's why in the past you have often sometimes questioned the sincerity of your spouse they've apologized but they didn't they didn't speak your language and you questioned their sincerity that's just natural but what I'm saying is this by faith you choose to forgive them now that you know there are different ways to apologize give them credit they're speaking the language their mother taught them give them credit if he says he's sorry give him credit he's doing what he thinks and what he knows to do as an apology so ideally I want to encourage you to learn each other's apology language and apologize and the language that speaks to the heart but what I'm also saying is if they don't recognize there are different ways and you just say to yourself okay they're not speaking my language but I'm sure it's the language his father taught him his mother taught him so I'm gonna give them credit and I'm gonna forgive them Christians should always stand ready to forgive freely why because we have been given forgiving freely by God now second question what if the person does not apologize they don't apologize at all they sin against you they hurt you but they don't apologize at all Bible is very clear here's what we do number one we lovingly confront them lovingly confront them Matthew 18 verses 15 through 17 says you confront them three times first time you confront them individually your husband sins against you your wife sins against you you go to them personally you confront them you say honey I don't know what you think about this but I am angry I am hurt what you did is deeply hurt me you know you're confronting them with hoping that they're going to apologize and you can forgive them so you do that but if they don't apologize it says you take a friend with you and you go back you might even take your son or daughter with you and you go back and you confront your spouse again but if they still don't apologize he says you go tell the pastor and the pastor will get some of the leaders in the church and they'll go with you you know confront them three times and then he said if they don't apologize he didn't say forgive them he said you treat them as a pagan or you do for pagans you pray for pagans mm-hmm you pray you pray for pagans and you hope that pagans are going to repent so you can forgive them but it didn't say forgive them you go three times and confront them you see in Luke 17 it's not on the screen Luke 17 verse 3 Jesus said if your brother sins against you rebuke him confront him and if he repents you forgive him if he repents you forgive him you see forgiveness is always a response - an apology God doesn't forgive us until we apologize until we confess and the same things true only human plain we lovingly confront so what do we do if they don't apologize we've confronted them they don't apologize we're going to treat them now as a pagan we'll start praying for them that they'll come to repentance so we can forgive them but secondly we release the person to God we turned them over to God let me give you an example from the life of Jesus first Peter chapter 2 verse 23 Peter is talking about Jesus and he says when he was reviled he did not revile in return he committed himself to the one who judges righteously he turned the people over to the father who judges righteously give you another example 2nd Timothy this not on the screen 2nd Timothy chapter 4 verses 14 and 15 Paul is right in 2 Timothy and he says this Alexander the coppersmith did me great evil he sinned against me the Lord listen the Lord will reward him accordingly keep an eye out for him because he'll also probably try to do you wrong he didn't say he forgave him he released him to God he turned him over to God can I just can I just share this with you because so many people in our generation have been hurt I think by by some of us who are pastors and counselors who have good intentions but we're not biblical and here's where this happened so often let me say that a husband is unfaithful to his wife and so she confronts him and he denies it and then she gets the goods and now he's caught and he said well ok but if you think I'm gonna stop this you're crazy you can do what you want to do I'm not going I'm not gonna change my behavior and so somebody else goes with and confronts in the church confronts and he's still living in sin with the other person and and this wife has held all this inside as long as she can and she's got all this hurt and everything is going on and she goes to see a pastor or counselor and the counselor says you know you gotta get rid of this if you know if you don't forgive him it's gonna kill you forgive him he's still living in sin but if you don't forgive him it's going to kill you I know I know what the counselor is trying to do the counselors trying to help her get rid of the anger and all that stuff inside and she needs to get rid of that because the Bible says don't hold anger inside we got to release the person to God and release the anger to God but you see she goes home now feeling more guilty because she's been told that she needs to forgive him and my question is this has God forgiven him not if he's still living in sin God has not forgiven him and and the counselor is asking her to do something God hasn't done here you with me and so what I'm saying is this no we don't forgive them we release them to God Lord I've confronted I've done everything I know and they still aren't coming back they're still living in sin I turn them over to you I love them I want I want to forgive them I will forgive them if they ever want to be forgiven I stand ready to forgive them but I turn them over to you and so we release our hurt release our anger to God so we can go on and live our lives you with me now when I say that sometimes people say Gary wait a minute what about Jesus on the cross Father forgive them for they know not what they do and I say yeah but now remember that was a prayer not a proclamation he wasn't pronouncing them forgiven he was praying to the Father that they would be forgiven and later on remember the day of Pentecost Peter preached and said you kill the son of God and you need to repent and the Bible says many of them repented and many of the priests repented that's when Jesus prayer was answered when they repented then they received the forgiveness of God so Jesus wasn't pronouncing them forgiven he was praying that's why he was dying so they could be forgiven he wants all men to repent the Bible says but not all men do repent and so they not all men are forgiven number three after we release them to God we pray for them and we stand ready to forgive them always ready to forgive them always ready whenever they come back whenever they turn whenever they come back and apologize and repent then we stand ready to forgive them a Christian must always be willing to forgive because God is always willing to forgive and then number four and I'm going to tell you you don't have it you don't have a ghost of a chance of doing number four without the help of God number four you return good for evil you return good for evil Romans chapter 12 do not take revenge but on the contrary if your enemy is hungry feed him if he's thirsty give him something to drink in so doing you heap burning coals on his head do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good some people read that and say well that's what I want to do put the burning coals on their head and they missed the whole point they didn't have matches in those days everybody had their there their little burning coals in their in their Hut you know everybody had and if you coal went dead and then you had to go to your neighbor's house and get some hot coals and they put it in a kind of jar and put it on your head and take it back it was giving good he wasn't bad wasn't bad the whole thing is you overcome evil by doing good I remember the wife who said to me Gary my husband left me for another woman and I was so hurt and I was so angry and I confronted him and others confronted him and he just continued and one day I read this passage in Romans chapter 12 returning good for evil and God said to me I want you to bake him his favorite pie and take it over there to that apartment where he's living and give it to him and she said I said God if I made that pie and went over there I'd throw it in his face and she said I wrestled with God for about three days and finally I just said okay God if that's what you want that's what I'll do she said I baked that pie I took it over his apartment I knocked on the door he came to the door he was behind the screen door and I told him I said I was praying the other day and God impressed on me that I should bake you a pie and bring it to you so I'm giving you a pie and he opened the door and took the pine he said that's very kind of you and he closed the door and went by didn't Department she said Gary that was the first step in the two-year process of our reconciliation I hate to think what would have happened if I'd never bake the pie you see returning good for evil is one of the most powerful things you can do for somebody who's sinned against you and is still sinning against you is returning good for evil it's the biblical pattern and it's what God will give us the power to do so can I make it personal let me ask you four questions will you ask these of yourself whom do I need to forgive is there a family member that you need to forgive they've apologized maybe you think it's not sincere whom do I need to forgive a son or a daughter a mother or father a husband or wife or maybe someone else second question whom do I need to lovingly confront they have seen you know they've sinned and you're just going on you're not confronting them with it they're not apologizing and you're not confronting it's your if your turn if they're not apologizing then you who do I need to confront see children sometimes need to confront their parents and say mama the way you talk to me I don't think that was very Christian and he gives mama a chance to say honey you're right I was wrong whom do I need to confront third third question whom do I need to release to God I've done everything I can I've reached out I've tried to make it easy for them to apologize and confess and repent but they haven't whom do I need to release to God and not allow the anger and the hurt and all that to stay inside of me any longer release them release my anger to God and question them before to whom do I need to apologize is there a family member that you need to apologize to it can be the first step in the process of them forgiving you so the relationship can go forward I remember some time ago young man came to my office he said Gary he said I've been in Christian 2 years I've been stood in the Bible have been trying to grow and he said I have a brother we had a falling out 15 years ago over a car deal and both of us felt the other person was wrong and we haven't spoken to each other in 15 years and said now that I'm a Christian I've been studying the Bible it just doesn't seem right to me that two brothers ought to live in the same town and not speak to each other and he said I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do so we talked on and I got the story from him and I said well you know I'm going to I'm gonna tell you what I believe the Bible teaches and that is that you need to go to him and apologize for your part in that deal and especially to apologize to him that you've stayed away for 15 years and haven't spoken to him and I said I don't know I don't know your brother's apology language so why don't you and I sit down here and try to just write up a little apology that will include all five languages that you can say I'm sorry I was wrong and you want to make it up to him and you know you don't want this to have ever happen again and and ask his forgiveness so we just drew up a little apology that covered all the bases I said now here's what I want you to do I want you to call your brother on the telephone and just say I was wondering if I could come by and see you and I said if he says no way or if he hangs up on you that's okay six weeks later you call him again and ask the same question could I come by and see you and I said we'll talk if he says no we'll talk and so but if he says yes you come back and we'll talk okay so first phone call he asked his brother I was just calling to see if I could come by and see you 15 years of silence and his brother said yeah that'd be okay yeah that'd be okay so they said of time and he called me he was all excited so Doc's him he said come by I said okay let's talk I said no listen when you get over there you knock on his door and when your your brother comes to the door don't you start talking about the weather don't you start talking about sports that's what me and talk about whether it's sports don't you talk about the weather don't talk about sports as soon as he opens the door you say to him I have come to apologize and said if he stand still you just give your apology and that's what he did and when he finished his apology his brother opened the door walked out on the porch grabbed him and started sobbing and said you don't know how many times I've wanted to come to you and apologise but I was not man enough to do it and they sobbed and wept with each other and then they start talking and catching up on each other's family and and the brother said why don't you come over Friday night and let's have a cookout and let's get our families together again and now they start having cookouts once a week for several weeks and the whole thing was resolved one apology led to the resolution of a 15-year fracture in a family relationship folks listen life is too short to live with fractured relationships in the family whether it's a husband and wife or a parent and a child and listen as parents if you have adult children that are strange from you and they've been mean to you and all that I urge you to find them apologize to them no it wasn't all your fault but apologize for your part in it and reach out to them and see if they'll forgive you and we can rebuild relationships but we will never have long-term healthy relationships in a family if we don't learn to apologize and then choose to forgive amen let's pray father thank you well the clarity with which your word speaks to us about relationships I pray that you would teach us how to love each other and teach us how to deal effectively with our failures so that we can have long-term healthy marriages and family relationships and I pray for this church as they focus on family in the coming weeks and have different speakers coming in on different topics father by your spirit continue to touch their hearts so that your purposes can be accomplished in this place in the name into the glory of Christ our Lord and whose name we pray amen amen I I was sitting there listening as dr. Chapman was speaking I don't know of anyone who have to come in here and you feel such a great foundation about the family as you have tonight and I am so grateful as kin give another great hand of applause wonderful information great information yes we're just so grateful for God the permit osa just said I'm in Owenton in the wisdom that God has given you over the years that this church we all can grow from building I know that I've heard many talk on the family but you have information that is so directly involved in practical information that makes us a better fathers mothers sons and daughters let's prepare our hearts for the great offering this afternoon I deceive it in Jesus name offering time somehow JC's friend a table with a knight to give us a million dollars tonight he's the money man it's mr. money you

Channel: St. Peter's Church & World Outreach Center

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Keywords: bishop, james c. hash, spwoc, st. peter's church, winston-salem, winston salem, nc, north carolina, church, faith, bible, Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, prayer, miracles, prosperity, gospel, music, singing, Christianity, peace, love, fruits of the spirit, spiritual gifts, prophecy, prophet, last days, praise, worship, choir, sermon, bible study, salvation, sinners, demons, angels, satan, devil, heaven, hell, rapture

Id: iTDnfgNHCM8

Length: 65min 4sec (3904 seconds)

Published: Wed May 07 2014