"God Loves Broken People" by Sheila Walsh - Chapter One

chapter one I'm not waving I'm drowning when deep water meets even deeper love she had struggled from childhood with overpowering feelings of melancholy as an adult it was no better British poet Stevie Smith traced much of her struggle to a difficult childhood and to the devastation that swept over her after her father abandoned the family her most famous poem lent its title to her collection she published in 1957 she called it simply not waving but drowning her brief 12 line poem pictures a dying man thrashing about in the surf gesturing wildly yet unable to attract the help of people passing by on the shore the passerby see him but they suppose he's merely waving and so they walk on maybe even waving back leaving him to drown the poem ends with these desolate lines I was much too far out all my life and not waving but drowning have you ever felt like that I have sometimes I still do despite the fierce love of Jesus and the measureless grace of God sometimes I thrust my hands up in the air my arms flailing wildly and people nod and smile and return what they see is a wave but I'm not waving I'm drowning even for those of us who've walked with Christ for years woods from the past can still rush in like an unexpected storm in just the past couple of weeks for example the water's started to rise as I returned from a weekend speaking engagement as is my custom I texted my husband landed when the wheels of the plane touched down in the tarmac I've come to expect his return message yay this time he added that he was picking up her son from sleep over at his best friend's house at a little after 10 p.m. I retrieved my bag and headed out to my car we live about 30 minutes from the airport so I felt sure Barry and Christian would beat me home as I turned into our driveway however the house was dark what a desolate feeling seeing a dark were expected welcome lights flooding from the window oh well I told myself it's probably taking longer than expected to retrieve Christian stuff from places only teenage boys would think to lead them I shrugged off the small wave of fear and busied myself with unpacking by 11 o'clock however I still hadn't heard anything I called Barry's cell but he didn't pick up I texted him where are you guys nothing no reply won by almost midnight I still hadn't heard anything I felt the water rising over my head and the suffocating fingers of panic closing around my throat it's an all-too-familiar emotion it's the hated voice way down in the cellar of my soul whispering they're gone you've always known it would happen one day you lose what you love Sheila always have always will I felt myself going under for the third time when a few minutes later I finally heard Barry's car pulling into the garage it could have been should have been a moment of warmth and joy a happy and relief family reunion complete with a group hug but it wasn't paralyzed by fear instead of reaching out to my husband I turned away hiding in my own private cell instead of receiving a warm greeting from a wife deeply grateful he'd arrived home safely my husband wore the silence of questions I didn't know how to ask when I did find a voice I threw my questions randomly into the air meaning them as flares but they stung like arrows I have often found anger more comfortable than fear anger gives me the illusion of control while fear leaves me naked and exposed when the waves finally subsided I found myself in a puddle of shame why did I react like that have I learned nothing over the years how could I lose my footing so quickly Barry had stayed with friends longer than expected to talk with them about a distressing storm of their own he had also thought I might appreciate a little time to myself after a tiring weekend that wasn't that I Ron I had just returned from telling 10,000 women that Christ offers peace and the fiercest storm and now my own words battered me I'm not waving I'm drowning and learning old lessons over the years I've learned while Jesus love remains constant our experience of that love does not that's a big problem for many of us because we grew up thinking that once we learned whatever lessons God wanted to teach us we could sail through life triumphantly on a golden cloud regardless of the serious challenges or difficulties that knocked on or knocked down our doors maybe you have pleaded with God as I have lord I've learned this lesson I really have so can we move on please moving on however isn't always an option life is what it is our challenges are what they are and the big changes we long for so intently may take place within us rather than around us in our circumstances it's taken me a while to get that lesson truth be told I'm still learning on the other hand please don't imagine that my life swings wildly from the highs their highs to the lowest of lows actually some of this situation in which I find myself can even seem quite funny at least after a little time has passed a few years ago I received an invitation to take part the crusade in London England pastor Yankee Joe from Seoul South Korea would do the main speaking while I would do the singing since I love any opportunity to return to my homeland I felt excited that the event would take place in the magnificent new twenty thousand seat Oh to areia I flew in the day before and as we drove to the hotel I asked the local event planner when I could do a sound check he said he would take me over to the venues of following afternoon when the knock came at my door at 3:00 p.m. I quickly grabbed my things ready to leave for the arena but it wasn't the event planner and my door it was a small greeting committee they said they just come from dr. Cho's room I would like to come in and for a few moments I invited them in and after an awkward silence one man cleared his throat and declared there been a slight change of plan in retrospect it would have been like one of the sailors on Jonah's storm-tossed ship telling the Prophet there's a little face just over the other side of the boat that would love to say hello they told me that rather than promote the event themselves they had hoped God would do the promoting but apparently he hadn't the gentleman explained that because of the change in circumstances there would be a change of venue instead of beating in the o2 arena we would hold forth at Peckham High School that's like going from the Cowboys Stadium in Dallas Texas to your local 7-eleven that's absolutely fine with me I replied well I spoke too soon well he continued we were hoping you wouldn't mind going over to the arena and standing outside with a sign saying the events been moved just in case anyone shows up just wave it as high as you can am i hearing this correctly I politely declined that opportunity and settled instead for singing through a bullhorn in the school gym horrifying at a time but quite funny now what's it doing in God's words let's admit right now that a lively wave of the hand often doesn't mean hello sometimes it can mean help I think that's especially true when life fails to turn out like we thought it would perhaps we began our Christian lives with great dreams soaring hopes and fervent anticipation but somewhere down the line our dreams decayed our hopes got hammered and our anticipation all but vanished into the abyss crushed expectations can leave us feeling desperate despairing and desolate have you ever read some 88 it isn't likely you'll see the words of this salmon a wall plaque or an ax framed cross-stitch in the family room the Sam of lament could give even Sam's of lament a bad name while most such songs start out with some kind of desperate plea how long O Lord will you forget me forever they normally end and praise or at least with a little hope I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me that Psalm 13 verses 1 & 6 but not so in Psalm 88 yes it definitely opens with a plea for help day and night I cry out before you may my prayer come before you turn your ear to my cry but you will look in vain at the end of this song for praise for hope or even for a teensy bit of light the writer describes God's wrath sweeping over him and the Lord's terrors destroying him surrounding him completely engulfing him and then comes verse 18 you have taken my companions and loved ones from me and darkness is my closest friend and that's it end of some period when was the last time you saw anyone used that verse to conclude a worship service I never have and I'm pretty sure you haven't either so why did God include Psalm 88 in his word why is it even there do we have so little hardship and pain in this life and we have to read about it in the scriptures I told you in this book's introduction that I wouldn't offer you a nice tidy system of beliefs that heals all wounds brings out the sunshine or inspires the angels to thunder the Hallelujah Chorus the truth is I think some 88 has a place in our Bibles because it's true it reflects how we feel sometimes yes even those who have a passionate love for Christ do you feel as though God's wrath has withered you were there for some good reason or for no reason at all so did the psalmist do you feel as though his terrors are destroying you surrounding you completely engulfing you so did the psalmist do you feel as though all your loved ones and companions have been snatched from you so did the psalmist does the darkness feel like your closest friend it certainly did for the psalmist in Chapter six we'll discuss some ways to deal with dark feelings such as this but for now I just want you to recognize that God knows such feelings exist and he chose to honor them by including a record of them in his holy words why because those are words that may come from our hearts someday if they haven't already what's more he knows our frame he remembers that we are dust that Psalm 103 verse 14 don't make the common mistake of trying to deny your feelings or pretending they don't matter or feeling guilty and condemned because you have them while I don't counsel you to wallow in them neither do I suggest that you hide from them or run away from them listen to one of my favorite quotes from Shakespeare's profoundly tragic tale King Lear the weight of this sad time we must obey speak what we feel not what we ought to say remember this God sees your arms flailing and he knows very well that you're not waving you're going under for the third time as the ultimate lifeguard he's seen a lot of thrashing arms in the wild surf of life Moses if this is how you're going to treat me put me to death right now and do not let me face my own ruin that's numbers 11:15 job why then did you bring me out of the womb I wish I had died before any eyes saw me that's job 1018 David what gain is there in my destruction in my life going down into the pit that some 30 verse 9 Jonah now O Lord take away my life but it's better for me to die than to live Jonah for 3 Elijah I've had enough Lord take my life I'm no better than my ancestors first Kings 19 for the disciples teacher don't you care if we drown mark 4 verse 38 Paul we despaired even of life indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death 2nd Corinthians 1 verses 8 and 9 and Jesus my God my God why have you forsaken me matthew 27:46 drowning indeed broken pieces early in the morning I'd love to take a mug of good strong coffee out onto the patio and watch the Sun rise our home backs onto a lake and the beautiful scenery changes with the seasons for all the loveliness and color of that scene however my gaze always returns to a certain stone a mosaic stone at the edge of our lawn with its garishly bright colors and uneven shapes you might think it looks a little out of place but I consider a priceless treasure I remember the morning that my son Christian then seven years old gave the stone to me and remember it well for two reasons first this beautiful homemade gift came from the heart of my little boy and second he almost collapsed my lungs when he thrust it upon me as my birthday approached Christian told his dad he wanted to make something special for me after considering a number of ideas they finally settled on a project Christian had seen advertised in a magazine a mosaic stepping stone kit the magazine showed a picture of beautiful finished piece and I think Christian imagined that's what he was ordering so when the kid arrived and he opened up he felt very disappointed look dad it's just a box of broken things I can't give that to mom Barry explained that Kristin would use the pieces to create his own pattern to make a one-of-a-kind gift once he caught a glimpse of the plan Kristin really liked that idea for the next few days the boys banned me from the guest bedroom where they'd spread out the materials over a large towel until they could complete the masterpiece Barry told our young son that he should pick and choose which pieces to use but Kristian felt determined to work in every single piece from the box his creation wound up in poured concrete so the finished piece weighed a ton on the morning of my birthday Kristian came staggering into our bedroom carrying his gift in a box he asked me to close my eyes and hold out my hands I closed my eyes and prepared to hold out my hands but when his gift got too heavy for him he unloaded onto my chest it almost flattened me we took the stone outside that very morning and placed right at the air to the lawn by the patio and even today that's the first thing you see when you set foot outside I love that stepping stone I love the way Kristian arranged all the pcs giving prominence to purple my favorite color what I love even more is it just before the concrete set he wrote in it I love you mom with his little finger one morning as I sat outside gazing at the stone glimmering in the early light Kristian came out and joined me out of the blue he asked a question mom do you think someone broke the pieces on purpose or do you think they just gathered up broken things and used them I answered that I imagined they collected broken things but his question stayed with me for a long time in fact I still ponder it I think about all the broken pieces of my life and in the life of those I love the men and women I've encountered my ministry and I've asked God father do you orchestrate the breaking of our lives are just invite us to bring all the pieces to you thinking about my question has led to another doesn't matter would we relate to God any differently depending on his answer it's one thing to love God when we think of him as the one who binds up our brokenness well what if he is the one who allows even participates in the breaking where is God i sat outside again this morning looking at my stepping stone and praying for some of my friends who currently suffer heartache and pain and brokenness two of them are embroiled in a bitter divorce one spouse wants it and the other doesn't I see so much hurt and anger there I cared deeply for both of them but I can do nothing to help I listen and weep and pray but I can't fix their problems I can't restore their marriage undo the wrong turns made along the way or bring healing to their hearts over the years I've talked to many with failing marriages so often they ask me who I want God change my husband's heart if God hates divorce so much why won't he help me rebuild our relationship I don't want my kids to be a statistic coming from one more broken family I feel so helpless hands up arms thrashing not waving drowning another dear friend struggles with brain cancer he has an amazing family each member rock-solid in their faith but his three young boys wonder what an earth is going on and asked some very valid questions does God hear our prayers why won't he heal my dad is my dad going to die not waiving drowning my friends who struggle with infertility ask another set of questions so do those who struggle with joblessness financial ruin or bankruptcy others even in adulthood continue to try to overcome the wounds of childhood abuse neglect our abandonment whatever the heartache the questions ultimately sound the same where are you God or where were you don't you see my pain you say you love me then how can you leave me like this how can you turn away why won't you do something with raised and frightened voices we continue to ask the shrill question of the disciples floundering on a waterlogged boat while their Messiah slumbered on teach her don't you care if we drown could you be asking that question right now will he pick up the phone years ago a frantic man drove his sick wife hundreds of miles to visit the 700 club a daily religious program on the Christian Broadcasting Network hoping that the prayers of televised Saints would do more good for his sweetheart than his own tearful petitions he apparently believed as many do that the moderately famous have better connections to heaven than do the seemingly anonymous more than one woman has said to me something like Sheila God is more likely to pick up the phone when you call than when I do these women really believe God is connected to you but not to me one distraught woman bitterly roasted me for several minutes over my perfect son her words she let me know in no uncertain terms that she felt sick of me talking about his successes and was fed up with hearing about his marvelous spiritual growth she despised these stories and hated every triumphant detail and then she broke down and wept her own son had died unexpectedly and she just couldn't bear the thought that God might spare one mother's heart shatter her own her bitter disappointment with God over the loss of her son just couldn't help spilling over into every other part of her life that was a broken woman a woman for whom Christ died in whom God loved so much that he sent his own son to Calvary that he might prepare the salv that heels broken-hearts it sounds good doesn't it it has the ring of truth we like the idea of a savior made potion powerful enough to mend our shattered broken hearts but we despise the brokenness itself oh we may mouth the well-known verses about all have sinned and all we like sheep have gone astray but generally we would rather not ponder let alone deal with the kind of desperate brokenness that our sin has bequeathed to us but what is the alternative bitterness like the woman with the dead son guilts like the man with the deceased wife deep self-doubt like the women who believed they had malfunctioning telephone lines or the agonizing death grip on the promises of the Lord like the crucified and broken son of God you may know that when Jesus cried out on the cross my God my God why have you forsaken me his words echoed some 22 verse 1 a prophecy of David about the Lord's crucifixion given more than a thousand years before Christ's death while that's remarkable enough keep in mind that Jesus didn't merely quote those words from the cross in order to fulfill prophecy no those words were torn from the very core of his own soul tortured sorrowful troubled tormented the very skies turned black from the horror of what was happening we don't know exactly what mysterious divine transaction took place in those dark hours nor will we likely ever know somehow as Christ took on himself all the sins of the world the father looked away and so the blessed Savior screamed his wail of abandonment as he was plunged into darkness that we will never know then the moment passed as all moments do and with roman spikes still piercing his hands and feet and with flowing blood still staying the wood of the cross and the dust of the earth the real agony the spiritual and emotional agony abated in his last moments Jesus forgave a thief and made arrangements for the care of his mother he cried out it is finished he had drained every last drop from the cup of the wrath of God and now commanded his spirit into the care of his Heavenly Father what gave him the strength to recover like that while I can't prove it I think he did more than quote the first line of Psalm 22 in his darkest hour an hour far far darker than the blackest night we have ever known or will ever know I think he mentally worked his way through the whole psalm when we look at Psalm 22 many of us may focus on the startling prophecies that came so literally true at the crucifixion Jesus cry of desperation and abandonment in verse 1 the taunts and jeers of his cruel opponents in verses 6 and 7 the description of what happens physically to a man crucified verses 14 and 15 the piercing of Christ's hands and feet verse 16 the casting of lots for his clothing in verse 18 we breathe a sigh of astonishment and then we turn the page but we turned too quickly I believe that as Jesus continued to hang on the cross he worked his way through the rest of this Psalm whose verses imply his resurrection verse 22 the birth of the Worldwide Church verse 27 and his ultimate reign over all the earth Persis 30 and 31 what kept our Lord going until the very end how did he move from feelings of abandonment to utter confidence and the warm welcoming loving embrace of his father as he did all his life Jesus laid hold of the promises and the truth of God's Word I want you to know that for the rest of this book I'll be telling a lot of stories and incidents from my life and from the lives of others all in the desire to show you and God helping me convince you of the hope we have in Christ Jesus no matter how broken we are but remember as you read that none of these stories can do for you what the Word of God can do and that is why I intend to root everything I say in Scripture I love what author and pastor John Piper wrote at the beginning of his book desiring God he said that if he could not show that his teaching came from the Bible I do not expect anyone to be interested let alone persuaded I really like that and I also agree with his next statement there are a thousand manmade philosophies of life if this is another let it pass there is only one Rock the Word of God as we walk the rest of this journey together I'd like you to train your eyes on two crucial things one ancient and one new the Prophet Jeremiah gave us the ancient bit of this wonderful pair this is what the Lord says stand at the crossroads and look ask for the ancient paths ask where the good way is and walk in it and you will find rest for your souls that's Jeremiah 6:16 this ancient path and good way is nothing other than the Word of God the Bible throughout this book you and I will return constantly to its wisdom and lean on its counsel for if we want rest for our souls that's the place to find it there is a companion Bible study at the end of this book so that together we can dive deeper into the life saving Word of God do you remember Stevie Smith the poet who wrote not waving but drowning so far as we know she never found the rest for her soul that she so desperately sought her whole life she waved and she waved and then she drowned Clive James said of her her poems if they were pills to purge melancholy did not work for her words no matter how potent simply lack the spiritual muscle to give our souls rest for that we need more than poetry or philosophy or human wisdom we need the living breathing Word of God Isaiah gives us the second hook on which to hang our hats not only do we rest on the solid rock of the Word of God but we are called to open our eyes and see what God is doing in us and preparing for us right now God speaks through the Prophet to tell us see I'm doing a new thing now it springs up do you not perceive it I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland isaiah 43:19 too often when we feel as though we're about to drown we let our focus log into life's rearview mirror we see so clearly our mistakes are obvious wrong turns are skewed perspective and the unhappy turn of events that mark our personal history that's the way it looks in the rearview mirror but who can drive anywhere looking in the rearview mirror that mirror has been strategically placed over the windshield so our eyes can catch a quick glimpse of all things behind before we return our gaze to all things ahead we glance at the road behind but we fix our eyes on the road before us some of us allow our hurtful past to absorb us consume us and hold us back whether we run from our past or live in our past it continues to control us but no one can drive that way or live that way God says to you and to me it's time for something new in your life I open up new roads before you I want to fill the desert of your soul with living water and satisfy your thirst with heaven's Swift cool Brooks don't dwell on the past and refuse to camp in the tragedies of your history or family background leave it all behind and then come with me but I have something brand-new in mind for you so with one hand firmly gripping the Word of God and the other hand reaching for the fresh future God is busily at work preparing for us let's walk together on this journey into God's best it may be hard but it will be worth it

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Keywords: God, Love, brokenness, christianity, Jesus, Shepherd, wholeness, healing, sheila walsh, thomas nelson, women of faith, shelter of god's promises

Id: -leexZrpYoo

Length: 32min 12sec (1932 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 14 2012