Welcome back to the Gentleman's Gazette.
In today's video, we'll share how your everyday body language can send social
signals and how you can best comport yourself as a gentleman. Today's video is part of our ongoing series on etiquette. For example, we've already done videos on
how to speak like a gentleman and whether or not superlatives are
something you should try to cut down on in your speech. But just as important as
verbal communication, are the things you're doing non-verbally to try to
communicate your point and your mood to others. Though various different studies
have tried to quantify just how much information in a conversation is
communicated non-verbally, these numbers aren't concrete. Even so, it's well
established that nonverbal communication, for example, the ways in which you sit,
stand, gesture, walk, and more do play a role in how you're perceived.
In other words, much is communicated through things like facial expressions, hand
gestures, and overall body language. Altogether, these things form nonverbal
communication. The study of these nonverbal communication techniques is known as kinesics, but long before this term was coined, an 1886 book by Francis
Warner discussed physical expression modes including bodily movements, posture,
hand, eye, and facial movements and what all of these mean. Put simply, physical
expression can communicate both attitude and message. And what's more, these
nonverbal cues can sometimes be more persuasive than what you're actually
saying. In fact, as Dr. Nick Morgan states in his book Power Cues, every
communication is two conversations the verbal and the nonverbal. When the two
conversations are not aligned, people believe the nonverbal every time.
So while specific actions like gestures might be interpreted differently based
on geography, being generally aware of your demeanor and
comportment is essential to being understood; whether in social or business
settings. The etiquette guidelines we'll lay out today then will improve
conversation, minimize misinterpretation and overall reflect more positively on you.
We'll start today with eye contact and expression. As we've mentioned before
in our video on awkward social mistakes, the art of mastering eye contact is
something that even socially confident people can struggle with and it does
take practice. Never making eye contact will give the impression that you're shy
or disengaged in the conversation, but staring at someone continuously might
make them feel scrutinized. A simple guideline for casual conversation is to
try to make more eye contact with someone when they're speaking to you and
then when it's your turn to speak, you can break eye contact every so often to
glance around at your surroundings. Also, do keep in mind that the amount of eye
contact that a person expects to receive can vary on culture and where they were
raised as well. As far as your expression is concerned, try to appear open and friendly in most situations. A serious business conversation or a grieving
loved one shouldn't be met with a broad smile of course, but in general
conversation you won't want to appear cold or distant. Observing your resting
expression in a mirror might be helpful; and similarly, mirroring or trying to
adopt the same general expression as your conversation partners can be a
helpful technique to try. Next up, we'll cover hand gestures.
The simplest question to answer here is, how much is too much? Overall, we'd say that as long
as you're not gesturing so wildly as to invade others' personal space, or
alternately if they've told you to tone things down, then you're probably going
to be fine. Hand gestures are a natural part of human speech as evidenced by the
fact that we tend to gesture even when we're on the phone, and that people who
have been blind since birth still gesture when they speak.
Science suggests that gesturing helps us to form and express
our thoughts more clearly. Also, Science has found that people who talk with
their hands tend to be seen as more warm, agreeable, and energetic while those who
are less animated are often seen as logical, cold, or analytical. As an example
of this phenomenon, a 2015 study looking at different TED Talks found that the
most popular viral speakers used an average of about 465 hand gestures
during their talk. This was nearly twice as many as those used by the least
popular speakers. Now that we've gotten the basics of facial expressions and
gesturing out of the way, let's cover broader body language starting with
sitting. More often than not, sitting is probably the least of your concerns,
so long as you're on a chair or a couch that isn't uncomfortable and therefore
affecting the way you're sitting. However, sitting positions can have different
implications socially, such as overconfidence or feelings of
superiority; and some people may be offended if you sit in different ways.
Your sitting posture can also indicate interest in a conversation or lack of it.
We'll start here with sitting with your legs far apart. This one's going to fall
into the don't category, generally. In public, sitting with your legs wide apart
or as it's become known on the internet in recent years, manspreading has come
under a lot of fire. In addition to physically taking up more of the space
around you which might be inconvenient if seating is limited, it can also
project that you're smug or overconfident. Also, the subconscious implications of
the increased exposure of the crotch area probably aren't lost on most people.
Now, of course, it can be uncomfortable for a man if his two legs are clamped
directly close together, and we're not advocating that you should do this.
However, just be mindful that you aren't spreading your legs so far apart that
you're taking up more room than you need to or sending signals that you don't
want to. Sitting this way at home for example might be fine
but if you're not careful about it it could be carried over into public
settings, which would be undesirable. So, what then are some alternative ways to
sit in public? Well, we'll start with the leg over leg method, which is acceptable.
Crossing your legs with one knee directly on top of the other can
sometimes signal that you are more reserved, but this doesn't always have to
be the case. This sitting position is often considered formal and overall
inoffensive as there isn't any chance for manspreading going on, and you also
won't be showing off the soles of your shoes. It's presentable, communicates confidence, and can even help your posture as well,
which is never a bad thing. There is another way to cross your legs while
sitting, of course, and this one can sometimes be referred to as the
figure-four; where one ankle rests on top of the opposite knee. This is a popular
sitting posture among men and it can be more comfortable than the leg on leg
position we've just covered. Though it will expose a bit more of the soles of
your shoes, it's still seen as a formal sitting posture in most contexts; and
because there is a bit more of a spread going on, it can subconsciously signal a
bit more confidence as well. The most basic sitting position of course would
be to simply have both of your feet, flat on the ground. This is a neutral position
and also formal, allowing you to focus on the conversation and others to not have
to focus on the way you're sitting. Of course, do be mindful of your degree of
spread here as well, in other words, having both of your feet flat on the
ground is basic but effective. Finally, here we'll cover crossing your ankles
while sitting, which, similarly to the leg over leg technique, can be seen as a bit
more reserved. It will allow you to sit in a secure and commanding position
however and you should be able to keep a bit more distance between your knees.
It's still a more formal sitting style and it should also help with your
posture. Next, then we'll move from sitting to standing.
Just as with different sitting positions, how you stand
will also impact how others perceive you during a conversation or social
settings more broadly. The way you stand can show your degree of interest in a
conversation and can also communicate your personality. We'll start here with
the attention stance which is a neutral and formal stance, where both of your
feet are parallel. It's often used when talking to those in positions of
authority, such as in the military where the name comes from when soldiers stand
at attention. It can also send a bit of a no comment
signal overall but like the standard sitting position, it's basic but
effective. Standing with your legs further apart then has a similar degree
of spread to sitting this way, and therefore can also subconsciously
communicate dominance or confidence in a conversation. In the context of
conversation, it may also show that you have no intention of leaving anytime
soon because it's a relatively solid stance. We wouldn't necessarily recommend
standing this way all the time, and you should be mindful of your degree of
spread as always, but it isn't quite as explicit as the sitting posture.
One stance we wouldn't really recommend is standing with one foot forward and
putting all of your weight onto one hip. Overall, this stance is more casual and
because it's not balanced, it may look to some like you're signaling that you'd
like to remove yourself from the conversation. Of course, there may be
other factors for your standing this way. For example, speaking from personal
experience, because of a physical disability and legs of different lengths,
I often do stand with my left leg off to the side just a bit. Even so, I do try to
stand with proper posture and keep my hips relatively level, rather than
letting my left leg bend much more than my right. Another stance we wouldn't
recommend is standing with your legs crossed. This can communicate excessive
self-restraint, defensiveness, or insecurity, so it's not a good look
overall. It might also signal of course, that you just have to use the bathroom
but in either case, it's probably going to make conversational partners
uncomfortable. Next up, we'll cover personal space or the area around your
body that you consider your own. This can vary again based on region or on culture.
It can also, in some cases, be affected by population density overall.
According to a book on body language by authors Allan and Barbara Pease, there are four
distinct zones when it comes to the idea of personal space.
First is the intimate zone at a distance of 6 to 18 inches or about 15 to 45
centimeters. As the word intimate suggests, this zone is usually only
occupied by those particularly close to a person like their spouse, children,
close friends, relatives, or perhaps even pets. Next up is the personal zone,
between 18 to 48 inches or 46 centimeters to about one point to two
meters. This is typically how far apart good friends will stand, or how far apart
people will stand at social gatherings where everyone is being friendly.
The social zone, a distance of 4 to 12 feet or about 1.2 to 3.6 meters, is the
distance we keep apart from strangers or people we don't know very well.
For example: service people, mail men, plumbers, carpenters, shopkeepers, and so on.
And anything over 12 feet or 3.6 meters is often referred to as the public zone;
which is the distance kept between someone speaking to a large group of
people. Now, of course, we're not advocating that you should bring a
measuring tape to every social interaction to figure out exactly how
far away to stand from someone, but as with anything else, practice and
experience will be the best teachers here. Finally, today let's cover walking --
which, just like sitting and standing, can also reveal factors of your mood or
general personality. A brisk walking pace with your chin up, shoulders squared, and
chest out, will show confidence and importance. Allowing your arms
to move a bit as well can also show vigor, and will generally communicate
that you were on your way to an important destination. We're not
suggesting that you speed walk everywhere or adopt a particularly
affected gait with your arms swinging wildly of course, but just walking with a
bit of confidence will go a long way. Meanwhile, walking very slowly, especially
if you've got your head down, can communicate a sense of inferiority or
shame to other people. Others might interpret a lack of
confidence or a sense of self-consciousness here. So unless you're
looking for something on the ground, we'd recommend keeping your head up and your
eyes straight ahead when walking. And of course, in today's technological age, we
wouldn't recommend that you walk while staring at your phone, as this can only
lead to increased distraction and the potential for injury. On that note,
you can find our guide to phone etiquette here. The positioning of your feet might
also raise eyebrows, especially if they're pointed dramatically outward
which is often referred to as duck feet or dramatically inward which is often
referred to as being pigeon-toed. Focus on pointing your feet forward with a
smooth heel to toe motion when you're walking and your gait should be good to go.
Speaking again from personal experience, a physical disability like
cerebral palsy can affect this. It's something I've had to work on quite a
bit over the course of my life; but barring specific cases like these,
walking with a smooth motion will project confidence. Another cue for a
lack of confidence however when walking is doing so with hunched shoulders.
Overall, it may communicate to others that you're trying not to take up too much space.
Try to straighten your back and keep your arms relatively at your
sides though as we said previously, a bit of movement in your arms and even in
your shoulders might not be a bad thing. The science of posture and its effects
on health and psychology could probably be its own video though, so, for now, we'll
say, stay tuned. Finally here, try not to walk with your hand
in your pockets or with clenched fists. Having your hands in your pockets might
have the effect of hunching your shoulders, and if you walk everywhere
with your fists clenched this is just going to communicate to others that you
might be too tense. Both of these habits show some degree of
self-restraint, whereas showing your hands to other
people communicates that you're trustworthy and confident.
So overall, try to relax and keep your hands out when walking. As we've
mentioned before, if you struggle to pick up on social cues for any reason,
say for example, being on the autism spectrum find someone you trust and have
a private conversation with them about how to build up your perception of
social cues moving forward. On the flip side, if you know someone who struggles
to pick up on these cues be patient and kind with them but never patronizing.
And as we've mentioned throughout the video, there are obviously going to be
exceptions for all of these different kinds of body language. For example, if
you don't have the use of your legs or if you've got a physical disability as I
do. Consider everything we've laid out in today's video as being general
guidelines. Master these techniques to the best of your ability then and you
should project an air of confidence and sociability around others and overall,
look all the more like a gentleman. In today's video, I'm wearing a smart casual
outfit that might be good for some informal socializing. It's working within
a mostly monochromatic palette featuring the grayscale. The main piece of course
is my black cardigan sweater which has made all the more casual by having two
front pockets. I'm wearing it over a grey and white striped shirt that does have
French cuffs though I've got them configured in a barrel style to better
fit under the sleeves of the sweater. The cuffs are held together with simple
black links that aren't really meant to be seen and don't take up too much space.
My trousers are plain charcoal gray to harmonize well with the shirt, and my
black penny loafers are from Allen Edmonds, they go well with the sweater.
Rounding out my outfit today are my socks, which are from Fort
Belvedere. They're also in a dark gray color but they feature a clock pattern in
burgundy and white, for just a bit of visual interest. You can find these socks,
as well as many others in clock patterns, as well as our famous shadow striped
models in the Fort Belvedere shop along with a wide array of other menswear
accessories.
