Game Plan for Raising Well-Behaved Children - Kevin Leman Part 1

no no no no no I've told you and told you when mommy tells you to do something you don't tell her no mommy's in charge understand honey no mommy is getting very upset now I'm only going to say this one more time sweetie pay attention mommy is in charge yes okay okay I give up you're in charge welcome to the focus on the family broadcast helping families thrive John the ministry here focus on the family has been built upon challenges like we just heard in that clip I can't believe we let the S word get through there we don't use that in our s word stupid but for more than 40 years we've been hearing from moms and dads who want to do a better job with raising their kids I mean that is a goal for a healthy family and the fact is most parenting issues haven't changed all that much at least that's my opinion since the days of Cain and Abel I think human behavior is very much the same and today's parents seem less confident and more uncertain about how to go about this task maybe you're trying too hard to do everything perfectly I know that's something we do in the daily household from time to time it's just if they could just act perfectly we'll be fine but guess what kids don't do that rarely do they do that and today we want to equip you with some tools to help you navigate these troubling and exciting days of parenting to do that we're going to talk with one of your favorites that's dr. Kevin Leman Kevin welcome back to focus on the family it's great to be I always feel like I'm at home when I'm at focused oh that's sweet and you are fun we enjoy having you as a last born we're going to talk about that in a different episode but we love having you here you're so much fun seems to me that Christian people ought to be fun that sounds right to me and well Kevin is certainly fun on TV he spends a lot of time on national TV does radio he's a speaker he's written more than 50 books and he's been here dozens of times and we're gonna have some fun along the way as we talk about one of the classics we've hinted at it it's called making children mind without losing yours and it's I don't think that's possible let me just say right from the be well you can say that because you've raised kids and now you've lost you tell me I'm crazy oh not at all Jim not at all hey John addition to dr. Kevin Leman we have a group of parents around us and you're gonna hear some laughter in the studio so let's let everybody hear from you guys welcome to focus that's pretty good pretty good I'd say they're gonna be thinking of some questions on your behalf and we'll get to them and in just a little while Kevin let's kick it off help us understand the overall landscape of parenting today you heard that intro do you think it's different do you think parents are basically facing the same challenges or are they different today well I'm old enough to remember when kids used to obey their parents no parents obey their kids so things have changed the landscape has changed in that little introduction we heard no no no no no no no no no one of my bits of advice is to young parents who are raising that little firstborn the little lab rat of the family is don't overuse the word no they become enesta size to that by the time they hit 18 months when a kid hits 18 months circle the calendar mom and dad because now they understand what shear power is even at that early a-absolutely that sounds ludicrous I mean really they can figure that out that early oh absolutely any any kind of a simple overreaction on our part the kids say oh they're sort of big on that okay I'm making a mental note on that so kids can work you they can play it like a violin on the back of making children mind without losing yours it says we have seen the enemy and they are small lighter battalion is on the move so you better have a game plan well let's talk about these two types of parents there's many shades of this but obviously you have the control parent you know that they're gonna they're gonna master parenting by controlling the outcome by controlling the environment why do let's lean toward moms in this regard why do moms typically feel this is a good way to go well most of us in this room in the studio we have lots of parents surrounding us most of us I would guess there might be one exception grew up in an authoritarian home as did I eight you listen up you're gonna do what I tell you to do as long as you live under this you understand me hey you want something Clara oh yes I'm a car man okay some of you as parents you had you had parents who just gave you the look and when you got the look your whole body tightened up your little heels click together well there's the authoritarian parent well guess what there was a time when authoritarianism worked because the parent was so strong so strong-willed so hard fisted that kids wouldn't dare to get too far out of line well let's go the opposite extreme meet today's avant-garde permissive parent Britney Britney sweetheart I'll have you chosen to go to bed yet you know my father never said to me hey Kevin have you chosen to go to bed in fact he was an Irishman okay eighth grade educated man and he'd say things like this hey eight o'clock and he'd point now if you in that man it was bedtime well we knew the sign language you know and if you didn't move he'd come back and say 8:00 you want to go to bed on your own power you want to be ricocheted to bed but the point was what you're going to bed so we have these two extremes and you see this in parenting today we have the authoritarians and by the way more authoritarian still hang around in the Christian world okay then on the other side of this fence but so if you bring up your kid to be authoritarian I'm here to guarantee you you're gonna plant the seed systematically of rebellion in your kids heart if you bring up your kid permissively okay and these are the parents again who failure is not an option for their child hey would you kids knock it off I'm trying to finish your science project in here and they do far too many things and these parents the permissive bring their kids up like their kid is the center of the universe if your kid is the center of the universe and you're a person of faith somebody pony up and tell me where's the room for Almighty God in the kid's life I'm here to tell you there's no room for God and that kid's life so we ought to move toward the authoritative parent and I think that's what st. Paul talked about in Ephesians 6 any authoritative parent has limits his firm has authority and authority late breaking news authority is a great word we've all seen bumper stickers in our community that says what question affording it and so your kid and mine have to learn authority but we need to learn what authority is and it certainly isn't authoritarianism well before we get to that in game that goal you mentioned a lot of mistakes that we as parents make and you're talking about a couple of them one of the terms you're using the book is whack Amole parent so what is a whack Amole parent well get back to the enemy you ever play whack-a-mole it's one of those games you find in amusement parks and something pops up you hit it with a mallet and you know again kids you're sitting there watching friends reruns mom and dad okay it's the end of the day I mean the kids have been tucked into bed and all of a sudden you hear this blood-curdling scream from the back bedroom okay and as only your wife can say she says John would you do something and so John gets up walks in there pushes open the door and says alright I've had it with you two who started it he did daddy and they point to each other okay you will say things parent I know you have an MBA degree okay I know you're an elder in your church you will say things that you would never say in front of your friend or your pastor ever and you top it off with and that's final and you slam the door and the whole house shakes one of the kids do behind closed doors laugh they cover their mouth trying to keep the laughter in and they say did you see the veins pop out of his neck I never saw him pop out that far before now husband John comes back sits down next to his wife and his only a loving wife can say she says honestly John I think you're entirely too more off with the boys and then he snaps back at her and says seems to me the discipline around here I wouldn't have to do that now I asked you five minutes earlier were you at each other's throats no you were watching friends to friends reruns it's so I'm telling you kids play us they set us up and like flies into the web we fly in there and that's what you have to remember it's a it's a journey and many times we just get to authoritarian and here's the question of the hour is God an authoritarian I don't think he'd get through a discussion on rearing kids without asking that question is God an authoritarian there's a lot of people think he is really does he grab us by the earlobe twist it and say you will acknowledge me no but his holy word says every knee show what bow so he's the supreme what authority but not the authoritarian but it's easy for us we're under duress for us to slip back into those authoritarian roots because that's what we grew up with so there's a difference so if you want to be your child's best friend and you want to be liked every day your life as a parent good luck read another book don't read this yeah Kevin your credentials you of course have the PhD but more importantly you were one of these children talk about your attitude as a kid what you learned with your Irish pop and all those discipline issues you went through as a child let's not go through every one of us well I got I got I graduated fourth of my class in high school and unfortunately it was fourth on the bottom and not for it from the top I got kicked out of Cub Scouts I was on a reading group in first grade with a girl who ate paste I got a 22 in algebra as a final grade as a freshman took algebra several times took Latin several times passed at once because someone by the name of Carl Maas was nice enough to lower his left shoulder during the final exam so a lot of credentials I bring to the focus on the family studio today but you know what with I was the youngest of three kids I couldn't compete with my sister who was perfect and still is to this day and my brother who is near perfect you want to understand your kid get behind their eyes and I I was I became the best at being the worst I was a class clown kids like me teachers hated me but you know what I had a mom was a real brick she was the the one that prayed for me every day come down the stairs in the morning there she was with her Bible open she was either reading God's Word or praying for me and don't sell yourself short parents your prayer life your steadfastness you're hanging in there you're just loving those kids I know there's times you want to kill them be honest okay but you hanging in there and just loving those kids but if you love your kids and here's the principle you will discipline them that's part of it mmm hey Kevin we're gonna take some questions in a minute from the crowd around us wonder if those questions ready but for the next few seconds you mentioned four goals of misbehavior yeah what are those four areas of misbehavior that parents should know about and they come out of individual psychology from a guy by name but dr. Alfred Adler who years ago was a colleague of Sigmund Freud in Vienna but real briefly kids misbehave for a reason as kids become less encouraged and therefore discouraged I mean all kids are attention getters kids are gonna seek attention positively or negatively but all kids are attention getters but when encouragement goes down in the home and I'll be glad to talk about the difference between encouragement and praise a kid will go beyond it let me let me show you with a little noise to boot a classroom teacher okay and a little third grader starts tapping his pen making noise teacher says Thomas Thomas please and he stops what's the best predictor before that classroom is over what behavior is probably going to reoccur again you guessed it so that's the attention getter its purpose of behavior he makes that noise to draw attention to himself now you've got the powerful child if he continues to get discouraged he becomes powerful now this is the kid that wanders around you tell him to sit down okay give him a command to sit down he sits alright but he takes his arms he folds them and he's got a defiant look on his face sort of okay I will but I'm to tell you I'm the boss here a kid throws a temper tantrum what's the purpose of nature of the temper tantrum at the mall and by the way what do you do when a kid throws a temper tantrum step over the child there's a great temptation to step on the child that is very illegal don't do that but watch what happens many times a little tyke will come and he'll he'll dive in front of you a second time he's saying hey parent I'm an authority over you what st. Paul clearly says in Ephesians six is this children obey your parents at the right thing to do because God has placed them here's that word in authority over you so he's saying hey I'm the boss I only count life when I win so you see attention getters you see powerful kids then you see revengeful kids in all my years of 40 years of private practice I'll bet I didn't see to revengeful kids and all those times and those are kids that are so hurt by life they feel like they need to strike back at life then you've got the kids who they're just inadequate they just give up yeah you see very few of those believe it or not so most of the kids that we deal with our attention getters or powerful driven kids the power-driven says I only count when I dominate when I win when I control the attention guy says I only count life when I get other people to serve me and I'm the center of attention man those are good thoughts before questions can you answer this for me formulas and how we parent especially in the Christian community do we need a little realization there that sometimes you can do things really well and your child still has their own free will I mean is it all that formulaic or is it unpredictable to a point that's how much God loved us he gave us free choice you can be the best I've met some of the most godly wonderful parents and you really wonder how they could have spawned such kids because the kids just seemed to be diametrically opposed and these are loving parents who've done you know Lehman style really great parenting but you know kids they get a wire up their tail they turn laughs everybody else is turning right some kids just see themselves as victims or martyrs you see it in adults if I had all those answers Jim I would write a book called all life's answers but it's I would co-author it with Jim Daly and John fuller well thank you so very much but it's so true cuz parents gonna carry a lot of guilt too because they've done the the right thing the good thing but they're still not getting the result that they'd hoped for I'm great about four years if you're a parent write this one down guilt is the propellant for most of the lousy decisions you will make as a parent hmm got to get over the guilt well with that let's open it up to questions hi my name is Erin and I have a seven-year-old a five-year-old and a three-year-old and my question where are the children I have a question about something that my husband and I try to do in the evening we call it family Bible time and we try to bring the kids together and read a Bible story and already laughing no it's just yeah I'm smiling and so let them act out the Bible story but we're just trying to expose them and have family time together where we pray and read the Bible story and it's it's not going very well because my husband is more authoritarian and wants them to be respectful into mind doggone husband and I want them to have a positive experience with the Bible and with prayer and not have I'm struggling because I don't want the discipline of trying to get them to mine to have a bad association with I don't think Aaron I love you where and I want to tell you that I want to tell you the Lehman's okay Sandra and Kevin Leman failed at that so miserably so early I figured out a long time ago this isn't working one of the things so I'm telling you when you you have seven five and three you try to line them up and everyone's gonna pay attention and we're gonna have Bible story reminds me of my mother my mother sent me to Joy Club it was horrific and I'm so old they had flannelgraph to talk about exciting it was exciting oh but you know what Here I am I'm not I can't find about joy remember what joy stood for Jesus others in you my mom tried but I'll tell you what we did and what I might suggest for anybody to try you know kids love stories they love stories at bedtime you can tell kids stories that has biblical implications that demonstrate biblical principles to kids in a fun way it makes you creative imaginative and you can tell the kids the same story now if you choose to do that I'm gonna warn you Jim talked earlier about the judge and jury if you change that story you leave something out you're gonna hear from your little Judge Judy who's gonna say Danny you you left out a part or whatever but kids love stories and we tried the devotional thing around the table with no success whatsoever I'm marvel at people who can pull that one off so I want you to know Erin you're not alone try to be creative one-on-one with the kids rather than the three of them together you're outnumbered three to two there you have it also Odyssey is a great a great storytelling children's series that we're doing that's a good thing to be able to listen to that together and then talk about the principles involved let's go to the next question hello my name is Laurie and I'm an only child and my husband I have a daughter who's also an only child she's 12 years old Laurie before we go any further we're gonna take a few minutes that we're gonna pray for you and your husband and your great for your husband Wow yeah oh my goodness we we tend to be parenting our parenting style is more toward the permissive side but not extreme permissive just more toward that area so I wanted your opinion on something our daughter who's in seventh grade she's great student you know straight A's blah-blah-blah-blah very respectful to what I expect but um let's see how do I say this so for instance last night she came home and she had a lot of homework to do and she had to go to a function after school and normally she unloads the dishwasher however me being the parent I thought oh she has all this stuff to do I don't want to ask her to unload the dishwasher because she needs time to do all these other things so I didn't ask her to unload the dishwasher and so when she has a lot of homework to do or she's real busy I just you know sometimes I'll even clean up her room for her things like that so I'm just wondering your take on that because I don't want to stress her out I'm gonna surprise you I think I'm gonna I'm gonna you only child you I'm gonna surprise you because I'm gonna give you a dr. Lehman five-star because I think you have to realize that some kids have a lot on their plate and there's nothing better than perceiving that situation going in and doing things you normally wouldn't do okay because honey and she says mom did you clean up my better I'm sure that honey you got a lot in your plate this week I just thought it would help now is that an excuse are you gonna do that every week are you gonna give your kid room service and food service and my question you every parent is are you rearing your kid in a home or hotel most parents rear their kids in what hotels meaning what we give them room service and food service and we snow plow the roads a life form but I'm saying hey this isn't this isn't cookie cutter here folks you got to know who you're leading you're the leader in your family and sometimes you see situations like that where you step up you do kind things for each other Kevin let me let me ask you a question because I know this is happening in some homes where that more authoritarian parent is saying hey this kid needs to learn and therefore they need to throw that banana peel away maybe it is finals week but where's that balance of showing that kindness in the error of showing no kindness because you aren't learning how to how to grow up so how do you I mean I like what you're saying I agree with what you're saying but sometimes there will be one parent in the home that is so set on teaching you the right thing to do that there's never any Grace or any let me help you with that well I had a breakfast with a friend this morning and I posed the question about grace you ever wondered why grace is so bountiful could it possibly be because you and I need it on a daily basis again I think that parent who was so rule-oriented he's gonna have or she's gonna have Pharisee thinking there's a right way to do things you lose some great teachable moments I think you want to teach your kids to be humble you never look bigger in your kids eyes we're gonna say I misspoke I was wrong would you forgive me one of my chilling moments of being a parent and an author of 59 books is this my 11 year old daughter Holly looked to be at the breakfast table after I'd run over her feelings big time and she said do you know what you ought to do and show you how stupid Kevin Leman is I said what and she said you ought to read your own book and that one got me and she was right and I apologized profusely tor so again keep in mind this balance that's why I bring authoritative to our minds today we want to be authoritative we want to stand in authority God didn't put you on this earth to be run over by your smart mouth kit don't ever allow it for all you women look at the news today look at everything that's in the news today about men and women you women who are raising sons you represent all a womanhood to this young guy don't ever take any guff from little Buford or his little brother Harlan ever ever ever that is a good point Kevin this has been terrific and I so appreciate the questions we got much more to cover Kevin so let's come back next time go over a few more areas of this wonderful book making children mind without losing yours it is possible yes and so let's come back and do that can we do it chewie ken hey I'm John fuller and thanks for watching more info about focus over here and more from our guests over there and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well you

Channel: Focus on the Family

Views: 45,060

Rating: 4.8599768 out of 5

Keywords: focus, on, the, family, Focus on the Family, Children, Parenting, Raising Children, Kevin Leman, Discipline

Id: sD_V_hVHd4Y

Length: 25min 4sec (1504 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 05 2018