(Intro) Dan: Hey there, sailor. Arin: What's up, baby. Dan: She's like, "I'll take one hot dog and two fries." "Do you want a malt? Do you want a mal-" (Screams) "Who!?" "Who are you? How did you get past the guards?" Arin: Uhh.. Dan: Never you mind. Arin: Fuckin' Solid Snake, baby. "Oh, what's that? On your- On your shirt?" "Ohhh, made you look!" "Bumped your nose." "Just kidding, it's mustard." "Is that a, FAIRY!?" Arin: It's like, "why's everyone keep calling me that!?" "Then are you from the forest?" "Then, then. You wouldn't happen to have the spiritual stone of the forest, would you?" Arin: What? Why would you assume that? Dan: Shit. Arin: I'm just a dude from the forest. Dan: Yeah. "The green and shining stone." "If you had that, I'd blow you right now." Dan: Yes. I have the green thing you said. Arin: I'll show you. After the blowjob. "Just as I thought." "I had a dream." "In the dream, dark storm clouds were billowing over the land of Hyrule." "But suddenly, a ray of light shot out of the forest "Parted the clouds and lit up the ground." "The light turned into a-" Arin: Yaaawwwwn. "I also had this part in the dream, where like," "You know, the trees were on fire and like," "There was a crab following me around and he was like," Crab: Gonna fuck your father Fuck your father FUCK YOUR FATHER "And I was like, I didn't really know what was up with that," "but this part came true!" "This is nice." "I'm Zelda, the princess of Hyrule." Dan: Wowww, she's more angular than I remember. "What's your name?" "Are- are you gonna say anything, orrr..?" "Slurmp." "Hmmmmm..." "Strange, it sounds somehow... Familiar." "Oh yeah, I remember I barfed once and made that sound.." "SLURMP" "Okay then! Slurmp..." Dan: She's giving you that face like you're really stupid. Arin: Yeah. "I'm going to tell you the secret." "Of the sacred realm." "Please keep this a seeeecret, from everyone!" Both: No "WHAT THE FUUUUCK?" "This is your second chance." Arin: Nope Dan: What are you trying to do, Arin? "You're such a piece of shit." "Please keep it a secret from everyone." Arin: OK "I knew it!" "I trust you." "The legend goes like this..." Dan: Death Star approaching. "The three goddesses turned off their targeting systems" "and decided to rely on the force." "So the ancient sages built the Temple of Time to protect the Triforce from evil ones." "Like that crab that was always following me around." (Crab: Fuck your father, fuck your father!) "That's what he said to me." "I don't really get it cause I love my dad." "That's right, the Temple of Time is the entrance through which you could enter the Sacred Realm" "from our world." "Hold on, that's my dad calling." Arin: She just like, dives into the water and drowns. Arin: And then like, a new Zelda comes out. "Hello! What's your name?" "And in order to open the door, it is said that you need to collect three spiritual stones." "And another thing you need is a brain." "The treasure.. something like that." "The Ocarina of Time." "Your ocarina's not good enough." "What, some dumb bitch give you that?" "I forgot to tell you." "If you tell anybody this story" "I'll have somebody wring your fucking neck." "Or I'll do it myself." "With my.. polygonal.. (weird noises)" "With my fused fingers." "You any idea how hard it is to do finger puppetry with these?" "You can't." "Would you look at him through the window for me?" Arin: It's the fuckin' crab. Crab: Fuck your father. Arin: He's like, bowing to the king. Crab: Fuck your father, fuck your father. "That's Ganondorf. Though he swears allegiance to my father, I'm sure he's not sincere. "I mean, look at his fucking outfit." "He looks evil for sure." "Have you seen his hair? My dad always said," "Never trust a ginger." "What happened, did he see you?" Uhhh "Oh shit, your covers blown." "Here, go into this water." "Cover yourself in chocolate syrup immediately!" "Just die!" Dan: She's like, fuckin' with you. Arin: Yeah. You're like, "what now!?" "Roll around in the ants." "Run into that nest of bears." "Do it, it's cool." "He doesn't have any idea what we're planning.." "YET!" "Premarital sex." "Once we're older, of course." Both: Yesss "I told my father about my dream and he was like," King-sama: Just.. just do what the crab says. King-sama: Don't worry about the crab. Crab: Fuck your father. "However, he didn't believe it was a prophecy, but I can sense that man's evil intentions." "I mean, look at the way he slurps up his soup." (Slurping) "What an asshole!" (Laughing) "And he wants to conquer Hyrule! No, the entire world!!" "No! The entire universe!!!" "NO!! The entire multi-verse!!!!!" "NO!!11!!1" Dan: He keeps like, looking like, not at her, at all. Dan: He's like, "man, that bird is far away". Dan: Hey! Listen! "Slurmp! Now, we are the only ones who can protect Hyrule." "Here, take this baseball bat." "Beat the man to death." "Do it right now!" "DO IT!" (Incomprehensible screaming) "Oh no, here comes the crab!" Arin: She starts scratching her eyes out. "Slurmp." "Now we are the only ones who can protect Hyrule." "Please." Arin: I don't believe you. Dan: Stop making her feel bad. Both: Aww.. "Welp." "Guess the game's over." "Please believe me, my prophecy said you will." "Like this one!" "Where I woke up in the morning, and I thought- and I thought my mom was gonna say good morning!" "And then she did." "My prophecy's this" "You're about to not believe me again." "Please believe me!" "Thank you!" "Ohhh, thank you!" "Oh my god!" "Uh-" "I am afraid, I have a feeling that man is going to destroy Hyrule." "Stop him.." "Aren't these flowers beautiful?" "They're strangely centered in the screen so it's like the focal-point of the shot," "but it doesn't really make sense, does it?" "But it's fortunate that you have come." "We must not let Ganondorf-" "Now that guard is kind of in the center of the shot." "That's weird." "He's not even really doing anything." "Who directed this?" Arin: Then fucking Ganon just pops up like slowly. "We must not let Ganondorf get the Triforce!" Ganon: What're you kids talking about?" "Uhmmm, noth- nothing." "I was just telling him about the ol' crab dream again, you know, "fuck your father"." "One more thing." "Take this letter, I'm sure it will be helpful to you." "It's a 'Z'. For 'Zelda'." Arin: You open it up and it's just dirt. Arin: It's like dirt smeared on a piece of paper. Dan: She just hands you a- like a fully baked potato. Dan: And you're like, "ohhhh, you're crazy". "Take this to magical gate and- and- and tell him that it wasss, princess Zelda sent 'im!" Dan: Oh man.. Arin: And the actual princess Zelda comes out and she's like, "what are you doing in my garden?" "RUN!" "Bye!" "It's the- it's the princess!" (Outro) Impa: POOF! Impa: I blew myself up. Impa: Remember the potato, potato, potato (fades out)
