Forms of Love In Buddhism | Ajahn Brahm | 26-11-2010

but for the subjects which people want to talk about on a Friday night offered invite people to send in suggestions and tonight is following one suggestion somebody was reading some of the sutras of the Buddha is the early teachings of Buddhism and are getting a bit of confused on the place of like love and lust and desire and affection there in Buddhism and what actually is the place of love in the Dom in Buddhism is love an attachment is does something beautiful it's love going to get you into trouble what is the place of love in Buddhism and it's relevant because as many of you know I wasn't here last week her sister Helene II was here he see I'm and zest I don't give talks which is wonderful to see the development of our communities here and I was away in a conference in Sri Lanka and in a talk in Singapore and another sort of conference in Malaysia in Malacca but there was a 90th anniversary of a temple in Malacca and they wanted to do something so just doing rituals and ceremonies to have like a group of international speakers so as it was I was free so I accepted the invitation to go there but one of the unexpected events which happened there was there was a lady who was how she'd heard me talk before and she was getting married and about three months ago she thought wouldn't it be wonderful if I could get a gibran to do my marriage blessing but how can I get him to come all the way to Malacca is impossible and even though that was her hope she just went past the temple and she saw this big sign saying agile Brahma is coming to Malacca on the very day that she'd arranged her marriage so she was so delighted that you could actually get me for a marriage ceremony and of course it I bless anything so very happy to bless our marriage for her she was actually she was she's a model he's got a run TV show in Malaysia so she's quite a well-known personality there and why is it that they want a spiritual person has been part of their marriage what is important there and of course being as like as a monk you always actually question you investigate everything you do in life why is it that at that time when a person commits to another person why is that they always want a spiritual part of the life what is actually spiritual about that love and this is what I'm going to talk about and how you can make use of the understanding of know the love which you feel at a marriage which sometimes you lose later on in your relationship how you can actually take that and use that and bring it to a higher level and understand the place of love in the spiritual life and how you can take it to levels which you maybe not realize are actually possible and to get sort of a beautiful and powerful and blissful type of love which has got no one no ownership no person involved but let's start at the very beginning because one of the reasons why people think that Buddhism is a gates love is because a very beginning you know we have love starts with lust when you're very young and sometimes that's very easy to confuse the love with the lust and it's not as if that Buddhist monks like a Puritans inside lust is no good then you know you must all be celibate like now we guys up on this platform up here now monks are not Puritans but as it is not puritanical and it's very sort of celebratory of all the different aspects of life I remember reading a definition of Puritanism just before I went overseas and that is the definition of Puritanism is that the fear that somewhere someone is happy I know some religions are like that you notice if like if you're happy you must be making a scene or something you must be doing something wrong then certainly I think you've seen this the way that the Buddhist monks and nuns have taught here there's nothing like that at all we know we're fun-loving monks and fun-loving nuns but when the Buddha was talking about that first type of lassi said we'll look you know this pleasure there there's also danger there and it's also he call that the escape there's three little things which you look at with each of these different aspects of your life I know the the pleasure in sort of in the last but also the danger and also knowing that this I can escape how to avoid those dangerous and of course you all know the pleasures of last but the dangers also and that's a way you you know you have a sex or have a relationship outside of your commitment so you have a partner in life or it may be a temporary partner but if you start playing around outside of that committed relationship that causes a huge amount of pain and trouble for people and even though that should be quite obvious still sometimes it's the last become so powerful that we forget the fact that it's going to hurt it at the moment it's great fun but later on it's going to cause all sorts of problems for our for our family for our kids and for everybody else is involved in that relationship now that's all very well to know the danger but unless you know how to escape from that danger in other words the strategy so you don't put yourself in that position also if you do find some last you can actually do something about it now one of the things which I said over in melaka was the importance of honesty in a relationship and I mean really important to actually to raise honesty's to such a high level that you respected above everything else even infidelity what I mean by that is if your partner comes up to you and says no darling I'm really sorry but you know I've had last two somebody else so I've even actually kissed them or I've even had a sexual liaison with them if they come up and own up and honest to you respect their honesty so much that you won't scold or more punish them you give them what you might call amnesty because they've been honest because a very fat they've come up to tell you what they've done means that they trust you and they just really want to repair the hurt which they've done they have the right intentions they're they were weak they made a mistake but their honesty is such they want your help that's why they've told you they want your help to try and make sure they never do that again and they can put the relationship with the person they really love back on track but what happens with most people they're so afraid of being scolded there fell afraid of what you will say to them they're so afraid that you know that basically that it will hurt the whole relationship they never tell the truth they hide it that's one of the reasons why relationships fail because we don't trust the other person to understand that we're frail we well we are weak we made a mistake and we're afraid of being scolded it takes a lot for you to do that through a respect honesty so much that you can allow the other person to say some really really bad weaknesses and you don't scold them because if you're scolding them if you tell them off if you get really upset are they going to tell you the whole story in future obviously not the same with parents in your children please if your children honest to you they come up to you and say they've taken drugs or done something else please don't shout at them don't scold them say thank you so much you've been honest with your mum with your dad I forgive you straight away now how can we work together so that we can solve this problem so it never occurs again if you don't have that sort of attitude will your children tell you their problems or will they be scared tell mummy and daddy about the mistakes in life even no big mistakes so honesty has to be so high in the values which we espouse but it takes precedence over everything else and want to encourage it so people in a relationship don't hide things and that gives you an idea of what love truly means it means located lots of lust sometimes but there's a love which is higher than lust that type of love is something which is more selfless uncontrolled in which can accept the other person but I've run ahead of myself for a bit that last we need to be able to know the escape from lusts so that if we don't put ourselves in a position to hurt the people we really love and of course each one of you from time to time you probably have done things wrong which you haven't told your partner's about it's not just man's problem women's problems we have equity in this Buddhist society fairness for all and so when these things happen remember there is a danger there and of course the escape is very easy to see the priorities in life what's really important to you do you really just want to have that fun in the moment and sacrifice a long term happiness of a committed relationship do you want the same things happen to you so first of all see the danger and it is so easy to stop that and one of the things is tell your partner straight away that you know that you finding some lust with this person the final attraction they tell them and the other person your partner should respect your honesty okay I'm glad you're telling me that now we can actually I know what you're doing I know what the other partner is doing I can actually help you make sure that doesn't go any further whatever it is find a out of those dangers in a relationship but I should really go to the the more interesting forms of love and that is the sort of thing when it's not just last there you've been going out together for a long time you come to this moment where you really want to commit to each other and usually in public which is why we have this marriage ceremonies and it is actually true that when you actually commit together in public that means the relationship you have does go to another level it means you are really sort of saying that yeah I am serious about this relationship I'm committing is really important the joke which I usually say about commitments for those of you who have forgot the book which I wrote a long time ago who haven't been to one of my marriage ceremonies recently is the difference between involvement and commitment is the same as a difference between bacon and eggs think about it involvement commitment bacon and eggs because in bacon and eggs the pig is committed the chicken is only involved to get it and I when the first time I told that joke was on a radio show in Singapore and the fellow who was doing this show got it straight away and he he actually fell on the floor laughing and now I know enough about radio that you have to keep speaking if you're not speaking for more than I forget what the rule is 15 seconds the radio show gets fine so is it was actually pointed to me the microphone say something say something because it was paralytic for about 30-40 seconds but it's true the chicken only gives an egg but the pig gives its whole life you know that to that story my book overthrow of your heart has been translated into many languages and it's being translated into Hebrew but that story had to be taken out because it's been a crazy isn't it anyway that type of commitment puts it on a different level and what that's actually really saying that commitment because it's long-term it's also getting very close to what we call unconditional love I'm not putting a time limit on this I'm saying to this partner there I know that you're not going to be perfect but nevertheless I'm committing to you and that's actually one of the reasons why I always find that type of love when it's expressed especially that marriage ceremony is something which is spiritual far different than lust this is actually a selfless opening the door of your heart to another person and saying that look I am going to love you unconditionally no matter who you are but a lot of the time at these ceremonies especially modern marriage ceremonies that people take make their vows to one another and you make up your own vows these days it's very interesting to listen to the vows these two people make together this wedding I did in Malacca they wrote to me about who should say the vow first the boy or the girl it's an interesting question isn't it my answer was well who was a boy who proposed it was his idea so he should make the vow first and that gives the girl a chance to change our vow once he said what she's heard his accuser would advantage but what the vows are usually these days is people actually saying what they really respect and the other person what they're actually doing is actually they're looking at another person and deliberately seeing their beautiful qualities praising them bringing them out this is what I like about you this is why I'm choosing you and I notice that in the life which we live too often that we look at other people with the opposite type of mind not own mind which looks at their beautiful qualities but the one which always finds fault with people we are very critical Society and that's why it's so rare to see someone who in public tells us what a beautiful person we are it's really strange and weird the other time when people publicly say what a beautiful person you are apart from your wedding is your funeral service during the rest of the time they tell you what a rod person you are all your mistakes are stupid things you do the bad jokes you tell fact you pick your nose all these other things which you do they always find fault with you but add a marriage and a funeral they all say nice things about you why can't we say the nice things in between as well but at least that gives it a sense of the spiritual there because we're not having a fault-finding mind we're having a mind which would appreciate and find gratitude and find beauty and things and that is such an important part of a spiritual life in your world you're like managers so you have to find fault to fix up those faults to mend it you're an electrician who fixes up the false a plumber who fixes the leaks a manager who makes sure know the the things in the contract which I'm working get fixed up we spend so much time fixing up the faults in this world now cleaning the dishes fixing the gutters tidying up the rooms with such fort finders and fixes that sometimes that's what we do where we have a relationship you fix up your partner you find the force and try and plug them and of course that that is the problem with relationships so that marriage that's not there at a funeral that's not there which is one of the reasons why it's a much purer type of love and it's also a time for selflessness which is one of the most important parts of love I already mentioned that love is like seeing the good in somebody and also the other one is actually the bit of selflessness many of you heard me say this before but it's an important part of a relationship but not just a relationship with your partner relationship with yourself a relationship with your body a relationship with life as well and that's why the at those marriages which I do very often the same as I did last week in Malaysia I look at both people and say from now on you should not think of yourself and they always say yeah I'm married now I'm not thinking they look at each other and then when they're looking at each other I say you shouldn't think of your partner either and that's when it gets interesting because they get some confused because there's another way and that's a problem in relationships when you think of yourself yourself selfish when you think of the other your sacrifice you burn out there's nothing left in the relationship for you after a while it's all about the other person and many of you may have been in relationships like that that's not love so instead you say from now on you should never think of yourself you'd never think of your partner's you'd only think of us you know there's a totally different perception in a relationship it's not about me it's not about her or him it's about us and that's such a beautiful attitude not just for a relationship but for life as well I just mentioned earlier when you were doing your meditation to make sure that you know that your mindfulness your kindness and your breath or what together hand-in-hand is about us it's about the relationship we have with these things and if it is you are in control of something if you think that you are the mistress and your breath is your slave you'll never ever get anywhere in your meditation in the same way if you think that you are the master and my wife is my chattel under my control then things go terribly terribly wrong and I don't know how many times I remember in my youth you to have all these love songs one day baby you will be mine and even in our realness is something really wrong there remember watch is not a baby anymore 25 years old for goodness sake but number two what do you mean being mine because too often the relationships when you own somebody what type of sharing is there because that is a red light in Buddhism ownership the whole purpose of the spiritual path is to realize not type seed to let go to because no trying to be a goody goody but to when you realize you don't own anything anyway that's what happens you let go of things because this bodies of mind is partner isn't mine no my clothes aren't my nothing is yours what is yours what do you think you own anyway so when you own things you tend to control them just if you think you own your breath you'll control your breath you'll never get peaceful in meditation so if you think your own your children you will control them and you kids who've had a parent or mother father think they own you they're always controlling you that's my son my daughter there's a big problem it's not your son not your daughter these are people who come into your life with history now they're old beings when they come out of your tummy and you know that they're only there for you for a certain length of time your job is to nurture them and let them go sure they'll come back and you'd enjoy their company but they're not yours they're a great friend but when you think they're my kid that's when you own them control them you'll never really let them go and for those of you who've had a parent like that you know how uncomfortable it is how the love is not pure my parents were pretty good I remember my poor old mother when I was only 17 only a 17 year old I had me up my guitar I had a sleeping bag and I went off hitchhiking to Morocco must have drove her out of her mind but she let me go she knew I had to go imagine I'm rather worrying about a 17 year old kid going to North Africa in 1968 or seven whatever it was had a great time I survived it but she had that strength it's always let me go let me do things even becoming a monk remember I asked us that do you mind me becoming a monk she said no I don't mind you becoming a monk but what I don't like you should be covering a monk on the other side of the world kind of become a monk next door good that mothers like to see it gets but she let me go and that I understood was a beautiful way of giving love to let the other person be not to control them and so in a relationship especially in a marriage is that type of love which is saying I'm going to love you but you're not going to be mine it's all about us and I'm going to just love you for who you are without controlling you putting you in a cage is what we call that unconditional love unfortunately that is what people say when they marry but usually the next day it gets very different at least the next year when it becomes a lot of fear in that relationship and fear is a precursor of control as you all know the ones you become afraid of what might happen in the future then you tend to get scared and then you just get worried and weary gets controlled and you start making demands putting boundaries on each other and you know you know what that's like the whole idea of like fear is actually the opposite of a love a love is very very trusting and it also has this beautiful wisdom and this is an important part in your life if you make this moment right now beautiful and wonderful that's the best you can possibly do for your future worrying about your future why what might happen while you're neglecting the place your future is being made causes many of the problems in life so instead of worrying about the future and getting fear coming up in your mind make this moment this day a beautiful day make this a pure day and then you know you've done your very best to create a beautiful future for yourselves so never sacrifice this moment for something in the future because then you really are sacrificing the future this moment is important the time you have together is really important if you get this moment right now today beautiful correct and pure of course your future is going to be wonderful working just in my life is the month you know I've renounced so much you know you just don't I don't have security at all I don't have superannuation I don't have money put aside for my old age I don't have a place to go I've got a little cave in my monastery down at serpent I've it's not even my monastery if I misbehave or people don't like me the buddha society can actually keep me out I could be homeless if I don't give any good talks two or three bad talks in a row let's see it how to brown out we're going to have a census next year apparently and the census next year if the number of Buddhists hasn't improved it in Australia Adam brown out so I've got no security so how is the man can I have no security and how can have no fear of what's going to happen next year all the years afterwards because I notice all I can ever do to make sure in this beautiful moment call now I'm kind compassionate peaceful giving sharing with each one of you and I know if I keep doing that I will always have lots of beautiful friends and I'd always be cared for because I care for others that's my security plan that's my superannuation not monetary not materialist but knowing sort of spirituality know some truths know some love and trusting in that that's how I live my life fearless no security no safety net just living in a moment being kind being peaceful doing as much compassion as I possibly can now can you do that in your relationship to give yourself totally to this moment trusting and the fact that if you really do understand what love really is and you can make that love in this moment by your partner yourself the ads in its relationship so saying that this is the most important right now everything else is not important future is not important so you let go of all that fear then you won't be controlling and when there's no control there's no me there's no mine then you can understand the beauty of real Buddhist love it's a love with no strings attached with no conditions to say to the other person the door of my heart is open to you no matter who you are no matter what you do and of course you all know that that was the expression which my father told me many many years ago it's still a very very powerful moment for me in my life so powerful you know there's some things which you can remember from many many years ago when you were young and you remember the time the place the situation where it and I know that even though even though that haven't lived in London for how many years forty years now I even remember the place Church fuelled Road accent London that's where my father parked the car just after picking me up from school he'd parked the car and he turned around to me it's just an old car and said son just want to tell you that whatever you do in your life wherever you go the door of my house would always be open to you that's the way he said at the door of his house it was a council flat council flat was government sponsored housing because we're always very poor so later on I realized that's not what my father meant not his house that was nothing much - open the door for anyone - you met his heart he was an expression of unconditional love from a father to a son and that meant so much to me now that was spiritual not a life which demanded something in return but a love which bound with freedom strange isn't about bounding with freedom that bound me to that man but he freed me I could do whatever I want go wherever I want and do whatever I want things which would impress him things which may embarrass him but he said whatever you do the love is always there for you can you do that to your partner I know that sometimes people think that their love is special but it really hasn't grown to that level which we're trying to encourage people to to reach in the spiritual life especially in Buddhism and because that sometimes it hasn't reached that point that's where one has fear that's where the relationship does falls apart that's where you don't really take you know what began at the marriage sermon is something pure and beautiful and allow it to grow to something totally different and socially pure and wonderful and so some years ago I decided I worked how to test an acid test to see if your relationship had reached that level yet or not and the acid test is this you're here this evening suppose your partner is not here this evening but they're at home and suppose that when you get home you find is that a note on your door and the note says this darling while you were at the Buddhist society are listening to the talk I've gone off to boom with your best friend for dirty weekend how would you feel would you feel upset or would you feel oh how wonderful that is that my partner is having such a wonderful time with my best friend the door of my heart's so open to you is that how you would react or would you think that unfaithful dog that's I can't say much one I got into trouble before using expletives how would you react why is it you react with anger with a sense of being humiliated why do you do that it's interesting is because it's not the real love it's the love which tends to own that person demanding something back in return for what you give them it's not the pure spiritual love that pure spiritual love if it was that the door my heart so open to you whatever you do I'll always love you and care for you you'll find that person will never go to boom with your best friend why would they because that love which you're giving them is something very special and very rare in this world and unconditional acceptance and love and that's actually why for those people with relationships that's why I want you to try and bring your relationships up to that level and my father told that to me I never sort of want to do anything to harm that man at all when somebody loves you that much and gives you so much trust the reaction usually is I value that so highly I'm never going to destroy that that's something so precious I'm going to hold that in the safest place in my heart someone gives so much trust I'm going to live up to it never exploit it it's something about spirituality we call respect is something which you don't demand which happens quite naturally when you see something very beautiful and wonderful you respect it it is a natural response of the human heart to something sublime and that type of love is sublime and you do respect it so if you can rouse yourself to say that to your partner they will never exploit it because it was always be respected and lived up to what a beautiful relationship that will be is unconditioned undemanding on controlling it's a letting go and this is actually where we understand that this thing called letting go which you hear every week if you come to this Center which is central to religions like Buddhism which is the heart of spirituality is another way of saying no control or just love the door my heart is open to a person and of course that relationship that love once you practice that on your partner that's what the partners are there for to practice what love is to grow in that love not just so you can give that to somebody else so they can give it to you back because you know if ever you receive that degree of trust that degree of absolute confidence that encourages you to do the same to yourself that's actually why we it's so beautiful to be with somebody who we know is never going to put us down never going to be critical to us never going to actually demand as never control us so is actually going to love us and accept us with all our faults as a monk I've never been married but I've met many people have given me that unconditional love not just my father but just some of these great spiritual people which I've met and the one which always stands out I mentioned him in this talk overseas recently was a monk called agent eight who actually visited Perth before I came here maybe some 30 years ago and I went to see him in his monastery in Northeast Thailand which was on the banks of the Mekong River and it's little old monk in this huge building which was built for him by the king of Thailand and of course his reputation as one of the great monks in Thailand was so powerful I was scared when I was scared off is this what would read my mind I was only a young monk my mind wasn't ready to be read yet and I was actually quite scared of getting into the presence of this monk in case he had a look and told the other bugs what I was about what I was thinking but as soon as you went into the presence of a monk like this youtell felt totally accepted It was as if that monk was saying to you look the door of my hearts totally open to you I will never criticize you or put you down I would accept you I love you for who you are stupid as you are Rama Wong sir because I was stupid I know there's a wonderful feeling to be with someone who you felt so absolutely safe with who you know you were loved and this was a person I never met before and my reaction to that is undid want to leave I just want to stay there sitting there for the rest of my life that was my reaction I always remember that the beautiful moment I was with a great monk who gave me unconditional acceptance isn't that nice it's not rare but it wasn't just you know getting it from somebody else because the next level of that love that spiritual love is giving it to yourself you learning from other people they give you love and so think if they can give you that type of love why can't I give it to myself and that takes a huge leap one of the reasons why it's a huge leap because think my goodness if I give myself unconditional love and acceptance I'll get really worse I'm already bad enough as it is if I don't keep control of myself I'm going to be really a pain in the backside for other people but again it doesn't work like that if you give yourself that beautiful unconditional love whatever I've done in the past whatever I'm doing now or the stupid bad nasty naughty realm things which I've done I never mind coming it's a beautiful moment which you feel when you look at yourself with all of your faults and all of your mistakes all the city terrible things which you've done in your life and instead of putting that part of you outside you say come in that's why I love that simile the way you put it opening the door of your heart that's what their simile means if you have a door and it's closed it's locked against who against part of yourself the part you ashamed of the part you embarrassed about no the part which you don't like which you hide your shadow is sometimes called now what you do you imagine because you've received love from another person because they've trusted you they've accepted you for who you are that gives you that encouragement to open that door to your own heart and say come in although what and terrible things you've done that part comes in as well so your door is totally open to yourself you don't have to be perfect to open that door if you did no one would ever become enlightened if you needed to be perfect you'll never find any love in this world so you love because you're imperfect and then you open the door of your heart and you come in and you feel this great sense of peace and happiness and unity and oneness you don't have to struggle so hard to change yourself the person who loves you they they love you of who you are they don't want to change you if it's a beautiful relationship so why the heck do you want to change yourself so love yourself for who you are totally absolutely 100% with all the faults and really again this beautiful thing happens it's not a blank check to do whatever you want from now on when you give that love to somebody else they don't see it as a blank check to misbehave when my father said that to me I never thought I was now free to do whatever I like my father would always pick up the pieces and just look after the problems and fix things up for me I just I became a happier much better person for that so if you do that to yourself you say I forgive me I love me whatever I've done in the past had all my hearts totally open to me then you become a peace with yourself in this great war which you've been fighting ever since you could remember is now over the same way you appreciate other people who really love you for who you are look lighting at your mother that's what the Buddha used to say like a mother loves her only child but not actually this afternoon because I was at a funeral service for somebody actually there's a better simile than the mother's love for her child and that's the grandmothers love for children because we're just talking at the funeral services people give these eulogies and the great unities because they sell these wonderful stories about their grandma and that was actually that for those of you who were been coming here a long time that was mrs. DaSilva that she passed away earlier this week and a funeral service was done this afternoon she's been coming to this Buddhist society since we're in North versus one of the founding members of this Buddhist Society so she passed away and her grandchildren were given the eulogies saying whenever they came around she'd always cook their favourite food even when they came home with their mates a quarter past 12:00 at night time she would get up and cook them something when they came around they'd always she'd always give them $20 even when there were 30 years old and working that's what they said that's actually beautiful that's a grandmother's love for their children that were how old they are they love you to bits no matter what you do and forget about whether it's the right time to get some food they're going to feed you my old granny I loved her to bits also I go round to her house any time and she'd make me some chips in the afternoon through four o'clock in the afternoon they used to drive my mother mad that you shouldn't feed him that he's having dinner later on you know if my grandson wants chips he gets chips I love my grandma and she loved me and isn't that something beautiful there it's unconditional love not about you know it's bad for your health or you should need is gonna now come on your love is unconditional this is saying where's what you do to yourself sometimes little me the door of my house is totally open so just like a grandmother loves her children that's how you love yourself spoil yourself rotten this is how it was just beautiful there is it's no not uncritical the way you regard yourself and I know whenever I felt that there's something very beautiful spirit or my notice that try to understand what is heart and to translate that into your relationships with other people and your relationships especially with yourself and your relationships with life as well it's not just saying to yourself the door of my heart is open to me it's saying life life the door of my heart is totally open to you no matter what you are no matter what you do the disappointments and tragedies of your life the divorces and the separations the wonderful moments of happiness and bliss and everything in between the sicknesses the times when you just knocked out with a flu or you got cancer whatever else it is to be able to say to all of that but all of my heart is open to life what a powerful thing that is I know people say they love life they don't love life they just love a nice part and the other part they try to get rid of or try and change imagine you say to yourself the whole of life I love you all the difficulties the blissful parts the other parts because you're stuck this is life you've got one two choices where they say like it or lump it that was a choice we had at school dinners when I was young I could look up and there you go you got a choice what you're going to do you know love life are you going to hate life and get depressed angry and bitter and the thing is when you love life it's not as if that life gets worse because you don't fight it when you love life life gets much better the cancers they go why do they go because everybody knows that the cancers these are the things which come from depression negativity and we give so much negativity to ourselves until life we create the problems imagine if has a beautiful sense of loving life I don't think you get many cancers you won't get many diseases either certainly you wouldn't sort of get you wouldn't need actually to go to beautician or you'd be a beautician I know what the only reason why your face wears out is because you get angry so often if you smile much more more relaxed and peaceful you know you will need Botox they would go out of business so when you love life then buy loves you which means you don't get so many problems in this life so it becomes like a win-win situation so when you start to learning how to love life it means in buddhism it becomes the end of craving the end of fighting this world your making peace with life instead of always trying to change the damn thing now many of you sometimes think oh I Jam Brahma just talks about life yeah it's very interesting but what's this got to do with Buddhism it's got everything to do with Buddhism Four Noble Truths suffering comes from craving for wanting notice told you the end of craving make peace with this life make peace with yourself and you can try that try that out when you just sit down meditating I actually mentioned that on purpose during the meditation open the door of your heart to this moment so the love your sleepiness what's wrong with falling asleep when you meditate there was one occasion here there was some ember just over in the corner over there it was one woman who came here during the meditation she stretched her legs bent back she laid on the floor feet pointing towards the Buddha fell asleep and started snoring and somebody woke her up and I told that person off who woke her up never do that again that woman she totale towards she was a victim of domestic abuse she was getting help from her partner and she came here she hadn't slept for days she came in here and she felt safe that's also safe here was a place of kind people and because she felt safe she just fell asleep the first time in days because we gave her the opportunity that's why I say please don't wake them up they're having a sleep aren't we supposed to be kind compassionate I know it's against the Thai custom to point your feet of the Buddha but people have no they pointed their feet at the Buddha many times I've never seen the Buddha complain compassion and kindness please and so you know we try and have a Buddhist community a Buddhist society which works on compassion and kindness yeah rules are important don't point your feet of the Buddha just now because you're trying to sort of make a point when being negative but look be kind be compassionate open the door of your heart to everybody because that's the name of the game and if you can do that while you are meditating open the door of your heart to whatever is happening right now you stop fighting you stop trying to control your poor mind I've often said people when you try to meditate why do people have so much difficulty just making the mind peaceful because you keep fighting you're not kind at all your fighters your warriors you make war with yourself that's not the way to meditate that's not the way to live a life that's not the way to be a Buddhist so try next time you sit down in this place or sit down at home say to your mind the door of my heart is totally open to you no matter what you do you can just run about you can be sleeping whatever happens I will always love you I'm going to finish this talk with a story I told this story at the last retreat because I remembered it was a story I hadn't told for years it's a very beautiful story of nandi we saddle the Ox this comes from one of the Buddha's Jataka tales there's lots of stories which the Buddha told know centuries ago some of them are quite boring but some of them had just have a beautiful meaning behind them and this was one of my favorite stories in that collection dandy we silo the Ox there was a very very poor farmer this was set in India so it's all about farmers is a very very poor farmer he had an ox called nan de Sala and he worked so hard trying to make ends meet but being a farmer you know sometimes that the rain ever came sometimes that you know that sir the seed wasn't good enough and more often than not when he did have a good harvest the local merchants in a village just ripped him off you know that's what the merchants were in those days looking after their own profits and just exploiting the people actually supplied the goods of poor farmers so dis after another sort of very difficult year the farmer was quite depressed it is so hard just working his back off trying to make ends meet for his family so he's sitting under a tree becoming depressed and he felt a wet nose on his face there was his ox and his ox said master I can help you what and helps can speak in those days ox is could speak just like in Walt Disney so the RCI can speak now look I've been serving you for such a long time pulling the plow for you and I'm getting tired too and I don't want to spend the rest of my life you know putting the plow to make ends meet I want to sort of retire too and I've got a plan and a plan is this you know I'm a very very strong ox I what I want you to do is that merchant who's been ripping you off for years I want you to go to that merchant and bet him $10,000 $10,000 that not that you're Arc's that's me Andy Masada can pull 100 ox carts all tie together and all full of stones rocks and the farmer said look you can't do that said yes I can and I'm a very very strong I know what I can do now you go and bet $10,000 and if I'm said but I haven't got $10,000 you don't need $10,000 you're going to win it so the farmer he went to that merchant and said I bet you $10,000 the my ox can pull a 100 carts tied together all full of rocks and I Mirta said I don't be stupid no oz can do that my else can $10,000 and the Merton says this these farms are so stupid it's just easy money I know he hasn't got $10,000 but I can these take his land and that's worth quite a bit so he said okay deal and because they needed 100 carts they had to borrow cars from everybody in the village so everybody was out watching to see whether this ox could be so strong and support 100 cars full of stones and once they tired all those carts together and they loaded and full of stones and rocks they tired the big ox to the front cut and the farmer went up there and said right pull those carts and the Ox didn't move kanya stupid ox pull those carts and the ox was stationary he got up a stick and he hit that ox come on pull those carts I'm going to lose everything and the ops couldn't do it everybody started to laugh the farmer started to cry no one could pull such a heavy weight so the farmer was devastated totally destroyed lost everything he sat under the tree and started to weep a few minutes later he felt the wet-nosed in his face why you crying said 90 whistle of the ox because of you you said you could pour 100 carts and you can't OSA 10 no you can't I can then why didn't you because master you shouted at me and then you call me stupid and then you hit me that's no way to treat a friend doesn't matter said the Ox I've got a plan you go back to that virgin and you bet him twenty thousand dollars but I'm nan de Sala can pour those cuts but this time treat me kindly and the father was smart enough to understand so he went back to that merchant I said I bet you twenty thousand and nobody said that's a very stupid farm okay the cars are still there twenty thousand done and they tired the Ox to the first cards and anybody was out watching this stupid farmer and then this time he said dear ox kind ox now if it's not too much trouble for you would you mind just try to pull those little carts a little bit but if it's too much don't bother and then that ox strain every muscle his eyes were like bulging out he pulled and he struggled you know what happened nothing it was too heavy el oscar pull that much so the father said oh look don't worry about it you know just stop here and then the ox tried even harder he pulled and he struggled until the sweat was coming out he know what happened nothing and the the farmer said look stop it you're going to kill yourself it doesn't matter if we're destitute and poor we've got each other and we love each other as well Auguste leave it alone don't try to I don't want to hurt you and because the farmer loved that looked so much that ox pulled every muscle not just in his body but also in his heart and he pulled like no other ox has ever pulled because of the love his master showed him you know what happened Greek when the first excellent and once the first actual moves once he gets started once the friction lessons and all the other cart started to move until in a very short time the first the last cut stood where the first cut had one stood the man one whose bet he had $10,000 which was enough for him and the ox to retire and live happily a lot of there's a beautiful story when I first read it because that's actually the power of such love it is very beautiful so look if you want your husband to take you shopping tomorrow don't shout at him don't scored stupid don't pick up a stick say dear husband if it's not too much trouble for you I know I've asked you very many things in this life but would you mind if it's yeah I don't really don't want us to give you too much trouble you mind taking me to the shopping tomorrow now that's Buddhist oh that's love that's kindness and it's powerful it does actually work but don't do it that way you do it your own way you know what I meet I'm so very beautiful about that so you tell yourself when you meditate next dear mind kind mind if you wouldn't mind too much would you just look at the breath a little bit would be a bit peaceful but doesn't matter if you don't want to do that if you're too tired if you want to sort of think about all sorts of stupid things like you normally do that's fine you try that I don't mind would get very very peaceful why because your mind and you if you don't love each other your mind will run away when it sees you coming you will think oh my god here she comes again what do you want me to do this time and run away and hide but if you love your mind and you love your body and you love your life with your friends with life friends with your body friends with your mind of course you'll always hang out with each other so all that restlessness all that wandering mind always comes because your mind is afraid of you and wants to run away if you can only love your body it will stay with you and that's how you get very peaceful and very still and very deep and you get to some point this last point about love when the mind gets really still and very peaceful that's when you get the beautiful loves you heard like people who sometimes have these out-of-body experiences and they go through this beautiful light and they feel incredible love for the peace and stillness these are the ecstatic loves those are called the Giada's this usually they could ecstasy or bliss but many people who experience those states they describe that bliss that ecstasy that oneness is love pure love this is one of the highest forms of that love and you experience that as you develop that very deep meditations why do they call that love because it's one with everything not separated not controlling totally at peace with things selfless that same thing which you can feel maybe not in its purest form but as a seed a spark now when you have to your marriage now that reaches its perfection in those deep meditations called the Janice totally at peace with the whole world at one singleness of mind of thought no separation between you and anybody merged not them not me totally as that's why people describe it as a purest of Love's oneness with no separation between you and life so that's why I will encourage people to take this practice of love not just to a mundane level but take it deeper and higher to places where you think are impossible to reach you get there and that's called a spiritual love the ecstatic love and that's there for you to actually to experience in this very life and then you understand what love is so it's a progressive practice or progressive selflessness a progressive letting go a progressive freedom where non controlling a progressive not criticizing a progressive not for finding you do that further and further deeper and deeper not only does it make your life more healthy more happy and all the relationships which you will have anyway become far more stable fulfilling and especially the relationship you have with yourself becomes this beautiful relationship where you do open the door of your heart to yourself you do grow you do go more peaceful the meditation becomes easier I don't know why people struggle with meditation when it takes is the easiest thing in the world to do just do nothing just love this moment and it just turns out to be very peaceful and very deep and see if we go to those ecstasy states which as far as love goes is the highest form of love that's why people explain it that way so that's the Buddhist idea of love progressive and practical and available for everyone in this room today thank you okay any comments about the different types of love in Buddhism answering your question which somebody said to me to talk about yes thank you gentleman over there the higher purpose love or happiness enjoy the two together so love happiness and have a happy love and it's really important to have like that that Wharf and that happiness we're just talking about anyone of you comes to visit our monasteries if you don't feel that sort of that happiness that light heartedness and that friendliness there what type of spiritual community is it and so actually you can easy tell a modest for your community just to know by this love the sense of lightheartedness the lightness the happiness and just the sense of so easygoing about which you feel so me down to at a place and its really austere and people are shouting at you sit up don't ask stupid questions do it this way put your shoes in the right way don't put your feet at the buddha baba that type of controlling and fear there's something terribly missing that's why you know sometimes that that's why some religions really don't cut it now do you ever see sort of the pope laughs do you ever really notice sees sort of no the priests sort of crack jokes some of them do and they're the ones who have no good lots of people coming to see them so what's a pouring of spirituality if it doesn't make you happy and there's an espouse happiness if you have a loving relationship aren't you happy so the two go together next question now going going gone you

Channel: Buddhist Society of Western Australia

Views: 104,760

Rating: 4.8737602 out of 5

Keywords: love, loving-kindness, compassion, Ajahn Brahm, Buddhism, dharma talk, dhamma, Buddha Dhamma, Lust, Attachment

Id: hvo5G0WbWSs

Length: 65min 24sec (3924 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 27 2010