When it comes to food mascots, we all know
Ronald McDonald and the Kool-Aid man. But did you know that this guy on the front of
every bag of goldfish crackers has himself a name? It's Finn. Yeah, he's that super cool guy
with the sunglasses, but he doesn't even wear them. They just sit on top of his head because
he's so cool. But not only is he super cool, he's also super evil. You heard me. Finn here
is part of a dark conspiracy where he sells off his friends so he can get rich. They're the
snack that smiles back, all while engaging in illegal goldfish trafficking. Never before
has such a bland mascot had such a spicy lore. As for me, I love fishes because they're
so suspicious. Gotta go fishin’ - FOR LORE! Hello Internet! Welcome to Food Theory, the
channel that puts the crack into cracker. Believe it or not, but Pepperidge Farm's iconic
Goldfish crackers are not only the second highest selling cracker in the U.S., they're also the
cheese cracker with the highest demand in the entire world. These things are so popular that
they earn themselves up to a billion dollars in annual revenue, nearly half of Pepperidge
Farm's entire yearly sales, with over 142 billion of these bite sized fish produced every
year. When you're talking stats like that, it is no wonder that they have themselves that iconic
smile. Ironic, considering they didn't actually start smiling until 1997. And like all the best
brands to try to appeal to the youngs, they have themselves a hip, young, hashtag relatable mascot
in the form of Finn, the giant floating goldfish. Let’s be honest, what's not to love
about this guy? He's got sunglasses and, um…. and, um… and, well, he's got sunglasses. And
that makes him the adequate amount of fun loving and rule breaking for all your kids. But I tell
you, for as much as he appears a mere goldfish, in reality, this cracker is a shark. After looking
across the entirety of the Goldfish canon. Yeah, that is a real thing, the Goldfish canon. I
can assure you that this… fish… cracker thing is a fish who's seen some things, who knows too
much. Finn is cutthroat, he's self-interested, and he's in it for the big cheddar. Not like
actual cheese. He's already flavor blasted to the Xtreme. No, he's in it for the green cheddar;
the cold, hard cash. Oh sure, in commercials Finn and his friends might be having fun on their
whimsical adventures, but there is definitely something fishy afoot. Pun certainly intended.
Originally invented in 1958 by Oscar J. Kambl at his family's biscuit factory in Switzerland.
The fish were meant to be a birthday gift to his wife, who was born in the month of March.
So he aptly shaped the crackers after the fish for her astrological sign, Pisces. It would take
a full four years before Goldfish would make their way to the U.S. and then it would be an additional
four for them to finally get that iconic cheddar cheese flavor. But once that happened, the rest
is history. They became a staple of pantries everywhere, even becoming a Thanksgiving mainstay
for the famous American chef, Julia Child. One thing that absolutely contributed to that
success: commercials. And you know what that means? Lore. Pepperidge Farm first started airing
commercials for Goldfish back in 1977. And let me just say that some of the choices they've
made along the way have had some disturbing consequences, consequences that'll finally come
to fruition today. Finn, your days of carelessly flying over generic household sets are over.
You're about to be canceled. I'd encourage you to break out your ukulele, but you know, you don't
have hands… or arms or really any limbs with which to play it. So you just put that one aside.
First things first. One thing we've gotta get out of the way early here is that in the Goldfish
Commercial Universe or GCU, it's established that the Goldfish themselves are alive. In the early
days they were simpler and mostly didn't talk. Then there was the era in the late
nineties where the commercials didn't really feature any fish but
instead focused on the bad jingles. The ones that were mostly focused on today, those
started airing back in 2001, when the fish started to come to life within the real world, eventually
leading to the introduction of Finn in the main speaking role. This is where we can see that the
fish have the ability to communicate. That said, they're not the fastest guppies in the fish bowl.
Despite Finn warning the group not to plow forward in danger, all the rest of the giggling idiots
just rush into danger wanting to get snacked on. Over time, the supporting cast would also
get fleshed out, showing us that they each had a unique personality, even going so
far as to form communities and cultures. So with all that context out of the way, let's
start shifting over to the mastermind behind it all: Finn and his team. There's Brooke, the
Parmesan goldfish and his presumed love interest. Gilbert, the hapless but endearing pretzel
goldfish and Xtreme, formerly known as Fumbleton von Stuffington. No, that is actually not a joke.
Fumbleton is part of the flavor blasted line. Their adventures began back in 2006. Finn leaves
his bags sitting on a young boy's nightstand, only to go explore the unknown lands below
the bed. There he finds himself an entire society of these fish that go about
their day playing games and setting up talent shows. We also see forgotten
Goldfish from other lands too. And by other lands I mean other rooms in the
house with their own distinct cultures. The Goldfish in the pantry are a very
regulated society with no fun permitted. The Goldfish in the sibling’s room
have themselves a charming Southern drawl and their own boogeyman
in the form of a pet hamster. If there's anything else that I learned
from these commercials, it's that the family that lives in this house is absolutely
disgusting, literally leaving food everywhere, all across the floor. Then again, I'm the guy
who cooked my steak in a dryer. Who am I to judge? From there, they all go on a series of
adventures, including a multi-episode story arc where they rescue Gilbert the pretzel from an
evil vacuum cleaner. The whole series spanned, get this, over 40 episodes. Even going so far as
to have multiple choose your own adventure style videos where the fans can go to the website and
explore different paths for all the characters. It is incredible the length that some of
these marketing teams go to. And honestly, it was really fun, really cute.
At least it was until I saw this: A commercial that shows that this whole story
is being filmed by real life people and that Finn and his gang are just the talent, the stars.
Toy Story this is not my friends. Here the humans and the fish are working together and it quickly
becomes apparent as he swims through the bowls of different Goldfish crackers that he's well aware
of what purpose his fellow Goldfish are serving. Notice that when Finn talks, he never uses the
word “we”. like, “We're always baked with good, wholesome stuff”. Instead, he's
always using the word “they”. “They are always baked with good, wholesome
stuff”. He's talking about the Goldfish that he's offering up to the humans of this world.
He even addresses one of the bowls before he's conveniently whisked away by a production
assistant to take him to his next shot. Finn then goes on his way to shoot
and gives us this little factoid. Excuse me? “They keep me working”? That right
there is an outright admission that he's selling his friends down the river for money. The
lunatic dove headfirst into a bowl of the carcasses of his own people like a twisted Scrooge
McDuck, and laughed all his way to the bank. Now, obviously, I could just be overthinking all
this. It’s just one commercial, after all, right? It's not like it's some sort of established
pattern of behavior. So I had to go as far back as I could to see if I could find other
examples of Finn's dastardly scheme. And as luck would have it, I found some of his earliest
appearances, all made before the Finn and Friends ever aired. Looks like Finn's been doing this
racket for a while, sacrificing billions to, as he says, keep himself working. In this
commercial Finn tells the Goldfish about the flavor blaster that'll make them super cheesy and
irresistible. He shouts at them while telling them everything that'll happen if they step into the
machine. And then at the end of it, he says this: Did you notice how his voice just
audibly dropped? Here it is again. He whispers the part that'll keep them out of the
flavor blaster. He whispers the part that'll keep them alive. That right there, that's the smoking
gun. But one thing that's easy to overlook here is that Finn's the one showing them this machine.
He's the one who brought him here. He's the one with all the knowledge. He's the one leading them
to the tool of their own demise and then covering up how they can avoid it. And then as soon as
they come out, they go straight into the bowl. And so what does Finn do? Warn them to get out
of there because they're about to be eaten? No, he smiles before gleefully swimming away, hidden
behind the bags that are now full of his friends. I suspect that he knew that that was going to be
the result. I mean, Goldfish have themselves the memories of.. well, goldfish, so Finn is just
putting them in front of a super cool looking machine, knowing that they're going to forget
anything he tells them. And they just dive right in. And I know, I know, for all you ichthyologists
out there slamming on your keyboard saying “MatPat, Goldfish are actually shown to have
a pretty good memory and can even be trained.” Yeah, I know. Which is exactly what we see Finn do
in the follow up commercial. Here, Finn once again knowingly leads his crew of innocent Goldfish
to a conveniently opened jar of peanut butter, where he tells them to use the buddy system to
stay safe. So what do all the goldfish do? They dive in and then clump up into delicious pairs.
But notice this. The jar has already got streaks in it. This isn't the first batch to have been
led here. Finn has been here before. And who's the only fish that doesn't mindlessly slather himself
in peanut butter and pair up with another? Why, of course, it's our good old friend Finn.
It's O-Fish-al my friends, he's a maniac, and he's been preying on the Goldfish’s instincts
to keep a steady supply of victims to sell to his human overlords. Oh, but it gets worse. See, all
we remember about these commercials is the one line from the jingle: “It’s the snack that smiles
back, Goldfish.” But let me tell you, there is so much else in this thing. It is not all happy tunes
in the land of fish crackers. Listen to this: Hold on. I'm sorry. What? “Goldfish smile
because they don't have a clue they'll be eaten”? How messed up is that? That one line
right there shows 100% that in this world, Goldfish do not actively want to get eaten.
And yet they're just diving headfirst into a snack bowl. Why? Well, it just confirms our
suspicion that the Goldfish are being tricked. And if you thought that that was
the end of it, it gets even worse. I mean, come on! Look at that sadistic
monster just chomping down on those poor souls, immediately followed by more
sentient Goldfish just swimming around, being led by… Hold on. Is that the
pretzel Goldfish? You mean Gilbert? Who just so happens to be part of the
crew alongside Finn, training the other fish to follow him blindly to their death?
Really does bring new meaning to this line: Finn's entourage is learning from
him, training under him. The other Goldfish are clearly being tricked by
the elite one percenters in their world, led to dangerous devices that make them
delicious and then poorly warned away from their impending threat. And the evil cherry on
top of this dark theme song is Finn taunting a bowl of his helpless brethren, waiting
on the catering cart just to be devoured. Billions of small fish crackers doomed to smirk
for all eternity, until a hangry eight year old scarfs down an entire bag and ruins their
appetite for dinner. Think about that the next time you see those smiling fish, you're
silencing hundreds of little voices led there by a sunglasses wearing cracker. Lambs
for the slaughter, all for his profits. But hey, that's just a theory.
A FOOD THEORY! Bon appetit. And hey, if you're in the mood for more snack
food, check out how Cheetos started as a food that was rejected for cow consumption. And so
instead they started feeding it to us humans. That video is on screen right now, so make
sure you take a big ol 'bite out of it with your mouth or your finger or, you know, wherever
you're watching from. Make sure you subscribe for more wacky food videos like this one. And as
always, my friends, I'll see you next week.
