Food Theory: Captain Crunch is an IMPOSTOR! (Cap'n Crunch Cereal)

good morning captain good morning captain you there you're aware that you're to salute your commanding officer oh i'm aware that's why i didn't salute time for this captain to walk the plank [Music] hello internet welcome to food theory the show that stays crunchy even in milk theorists if you're anything like me there's nothing worse than soggy breakfast cereal well maybe cereal that tastes like green onions or cereal that tastes like cardboard i guess finding out your favorite cereal mascot is in bread is pretty bad too you know what maybe there are a few things worse than soggy cereal but soggy cereal is still definitely up there on the list and that is precisely why in 1963 the quaker oats company launched cap and crunch a cereal that supposedly stays crunchy and milk longer than other cereals it's cotton crunch the cereal named after me captain crunch delightfully sweet sugar sweet and fun to munch because it keeps its crunch so crisp it never run crunches not even in milk now anybody for a bowl of captain crunch what the captain is neglecting to tell everyone is that not only does it stay crunchy in milk it also feels like glass shards on the roof of your mouth now captain crunch cereal isn't sold worldwide so in case you live far across the seven seas and are unfamiliar with the titular character here's the backstory on ol captain horatio magellan crunch yes that is his real canonical name since his earliest television commercials the jolly silver-haired captain has sailed the soggy seas on a ship the ss guppy with his crew of misfit children and his first mate sea dog his quest to defend the secret of their serial signature crunch from the likes of his arch nemesis the barefooted pirate jean-left and for decades it was nothing but smooth sailing for the captain his cereal was a hit and well no one was accusing him of violating united states federal law but one of those things would have to change in 2013 and you guessed it it was the federal law thing you see captain crunch is a lot of things by the end of today's episode you'll understand that he's a con artist he's a liar he's a thief and he may even be a murderer but one thing he is most certainly not is a captain so hold your nose and close your eyes theorists because today we're diving into why captain crunch is not only headed to jail but is quite possibly the most dishonorable food mascot of all time to understand today's theory you first have to understand the stolen valor act of 2013. there was one from 2005 as well signed into law by then president george w bush but the one we're talking about today is one signed under the obama administration now i imagine most countries simply call it impersonating a military officer or something along those lines but here in the states stolen valor is the cool way we refer to the act of fraudulently claiming to have served in the military or embellishing one's rank within the military or lying about having received certain valor awards and doing any of those things is literally a federal crime a crime that a certain serial mascot running around falsely calling himself a captain may just be violating now we have to keep in mind that horatio crunch here would only be guilty of stolen valor if he was wearing a us military uniform if he were lying about his rank as a member of say the queen's guard he wouldn't be in violation of the us's stolen valor act so can we confirm that captain crunch is indeed wearing a u.s naval uniform indeed we can now it may not resemble contemporary u.s naval uniforms too closely but if we turn the clock back to the 1800s it is clear that all the distinctive components of captain crunch's uniform were in fact once utilized in real life by the us navy the epaulets on the shoulders the bicorn hat the white trousers with a high collared blue coat even the tails which the captain wore in some of the earliest commercials so let's first take a closer look at captain crunch's uniform that is not the uniform of a captain in the us navy and we can tell based on the stripes on his sleeve over the course of the decades-long television commercial campaign we've seen captain with one two and three stripes on his sleeves indicating the ranks of ensign lieutenant and commander respectively but at no point has his sleeve ever displayed four stripes which would denote the rank of a captain at best it would seem that he's risen to the rank of a u.s navy commander a rank that is one level lower than captain and our source for that is the us navy itself that's right the navy has actually weighed in to confirm this as lieutenant commander sarah flaherty a u.s navy spokesperson stated in 2013 quote captain crunch appears to be wearing the rank of a u.s navy commander so why then does he refer to himself as a captain well after years of being badgered with these types of questions the captain finally defended himself on twitter which honestly was his first mistake no not on twitter captain defensive twitter threads will never work because people like me will tear apart everything you say and hold it against you anyway he responded with the following quote a naval officer of any rank will have the title captain because whoever is in charge of a ship assumes the title of captain which gotta say is a very valid point horatio except for the fact that it doesn't apply to you because you are not a naval officer that's right lieutenant commander sarah flaherty once again weighed in on behalf of the u.s navy saying quote our personnel records do not show a captain crunch who currently serves or has ever served in the navy oh snap crackle pop you just got dunked on by the us navy let's drop anchor for a moment to unpack all this captain crunch isn't merely exaggerating his military rank he is straight up lying about his military service altogether this would definitely explain why his uniform is pieced together like he's some kind of historical cosplayer but if you don't believe the military records then turn your attention to his ship the ss guppy see ss is a prefix used for civilian ships often indicating that the ship is a screw steamer or in more layman's terms a steamship were he captaining a u.s naval ship that ship would almost certainly have a non-civilian prefix it would be called say the uss guppy meaning the united states ship guppy or perhaps even the usf guppy where it be classified as a united states frigate so we know horatio has never been enlisted in the u.s navy we know that he's dressed in a legit u.s naval uniform and we know his intent is to be perceived as a u.s naval officer all to sell you more glass shards that you can drown in milk for your morning cereal part of a balanced breakfast as of the day this video was made captain crunch cereal is still cashing in on horatio's fraudulent military persona to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars per year in sales the fact that the captain crunches lie as being perpetuated for the sake of financial gain makes it a clear-cut violation of the stolen valor act and mind you these questions date back to 2013. captain crunch has had years to ditch the uniform to lose the title of captain or you know even apologize once but captain crunch has shown no such contrition this is no light-hearted oops all berry type of situation here people now i realize this may come as a surprise to some of you after all captain crunch has a real wholesome grandpa vibe about him but here's the realty theorists stolen valor is just the first of horatio's crimes consider this on june 25th 2012 crunch's arch nemesis jean lafoot made an attempt to steal the captain's supply of cereal he live-tweeted the whole affair managing to infiltrate the ss guppy and take control of the ship i wouldn't have thought tweeting out your crimes was a good idea but then again hey maybe that's what it takes for a 21st century pirate to build their brand at this point though things start to take a turn shortly after realizing he didn't know how to steer the ship left was bitten by captain crunch's first mate sea dog and was forced to jump overboard to escape now this wouldn't normally raise any eyebrows after all jean left live tweeted many of his prior failed attempts to steal captain crunch's cereal but here's what's chilling about lefoot's 2012 tweet about jumping overboard he hasn't tweeted since go take a look for yourself the real jean left twitter account has been dead silent for over eight and a half years this implies that he jumped overboard but was unable to make it back to civilization flat out dying amongst the open seas now that alone would be tragic but what's worse is that two minutes after lefoet's final tweet a remorseless captain crunch tweeted hit the road real jean left or should i say hit the water horatio the man was this the time to make a joke yeah lefoot was trying to steal your ship but is that really an excuse to smuggly watch as he drowns at sea look i get that captain crunch and john the footwear nemesis for decades but they had some good times over those years too they shared a love for captain crunch cereal they competed against each other in friendly competitions in fact they even joined forces to help market jean left's cinnamon crunch cereal and after all that history together captain crunch just stands there on the deck of the ss guppy drafting the perfect clap back tweet while his frenemy drowns before his very eyes i mean honestly what kind of a person is horatio magellan crunch how about the kind of person who abandons this pet dog folks i wish i were making this up but i'm not sea dog captain crunch's trusty first mate who's been at ratio side since the very very beginning has been conspicuously absent for a while now seems the last sea dog sighting was in 2015 on twitter yep even the dog has an official twitter page though i'm not sure you could call what he does tweeting it is literally just him howling but the point is captain crunch used to tag him in tweets all the time even referring to him as his first mate and constant companion however since sea dog's last tweet in 2015 captain crunch has not mentioned sea dog once and he has actively ignored any and all tweets from fans that mention sea dog now sea dog's twitter bio seems to suggest that he's back on dry land now and quite happy about it except it's written in english folks scroll through sea dogs tweet history if you need a refresher but it has firmly been established that sea dog is not capable of writing that bio someone else had to have written it once more there have been numerous commercials since 2015 that plainly show captain crunch is back at sea so i gotta ask captain hashtag where's sea dog are we to believe that captain crunch's first mate and loyal companion just retired one day after 50 plus years and then also magically learned english or is it more likely that the twitter bio was penned by sea dog's beloved master horatio magellan crunch who's committed federal crimes who has gleefully watched a man die in front of him and who now appears to be papering over the death or disappearance of his loyal pets folks i don't know what's become a sea dog but the best case scenario here is that he's merely been abandoned by his master i hold out hope that sea dog is living his best life out there on dry land right now but frankly i doubt it if sea dog were truly okay wouldn't he just be howling at us on twitter what we can prove my friends is that captain crunch has violated federal law what we cannot prove are the whereabouts of anyone and everyone who's ever been close to captain crunch lefoot sea dog the crew of misfit children that just for whatever reason are no longer at the captain's side as a result the captain sails the seas alone answering the call of anyone that speaks his name even if they're a full-grown adult can't you tie me captain [Music] well a holy adventure perhaps the captain harbors hopes of replenishing his ranks and returning to his former glory perhaps he's seeking out his next victim or perhaps it's all part of a brand new scam but i can tell you these two things for certain one that we've been underestimating this dangerous serial mascot for far too long and two we owe a boatload of gratitude to the sponsor for today's episode brightsellers theorists i've said it before and i'll say it again i'm not the biggest imbiber on the block but i am the type of guy who enjoys learning about wines and spirits and that's what makes bright cellars such a great option for me not only do they send a personalized box of wine straight to my door each and every month but they include wine education cards that give great insights into the bottles that they're sending i've received quite a few shipments from them at this point and my life has improved in two very concrete ways as a result first my brain is now absolutely jam-packed with wine facts from all these cards my father-in-law who is a big wine 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Channel: The Food Theorists

Views: 1,919,158

Rating: 4.8782783 out of 5

Keywords: cap n crunch, cap'n crunch, cereal, cereal mascot, cereal commercial, captain crunch commercial, cap'n crunch commercial, cap'n crunch taste test, cap'n crunch theory, captain crunch taste test, captain crunch theory, captain crunch mukbang, cereal mukbang, captain crunch french toast, captain crunch pancakes, captain crunch recipe, cap'n crunch recipe, food theorists, food theory, matpat, game theory, binging with babish, eat the menu, without a recipe, captain crunch

Id: 32evHvgBQcc

Length: 13min 30sec (810 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 30 2021