[Epic Intro] [For crazier, community-joke-filled captions, check out English (Canadian)!] [That is, if there's enough CC extras to fill an hour and a half.] [Step into the not-so-beautiful world of FF7... also, awesome chime-in] GUARD 1: Isn't there usually a conductor or something? BANDANA MAN: AVALANCHE!! BANDANA MAN: AVALANCHE!! CQC! FAT REBEL: Jesse, did the dentist give you a root canal or a punch to the face? BLACK MAN: All right "blondie", it's showtime. "BLONDIE": Showtime? Then I guess I'd better perform. [angry] Grrr...Mother of God. Ok, the plan is you're gonna hide the bodies and- "BLONDIE": I'm...sorry. Could you repeat that last part- BLACK GUY: -not get into any trouble! That's right! Now biggity-bounce to it baby! Tifa, your friend is killing me...! BLONDIE: Like you guys killed these guards? GUARD 2 [to Black Guy]: Out of the way, sir! That man killed two guards! BLONDIE: Oh come on! BLONDIE: N-N-Now I know this looks bad... {gunfire} BLONDIE: A little bit trigger-happy but okay, anyways, uh... as I was saying- {gunfire again} BLONDIE: Could you NOT shoot me?! {WHACK} BLONDIE: YOU MADE ME DO THIS! BLONDIE: YAAAAH!!! BLONDIE: [To himself] Self-defense... BANDANA GUY: Hey uh...new guy. You take care of the bodies? "BLONDIE": Yep. All four of them. "BLONDIE": Yeah, that's right, you uh... ... "you guys". BANDANA MAN: Wait, you don't know our names? BLONDIE: [stammers] Y-y-you never asked my name! BLONDIE: It's- CLOUD: Cloud. BLACK GUY: Cloud, huh? Is that because you rain on everyone's parade? CLOUD: No. Those are Squalls and no one likes those. BANDANA MAN: Jesse, was the alley dentist really worth what you saved? BLACK GUY: Hey Blondie. CLOUD: What? Don't f*** up. Cause if you do f*** up, you're gonna have to answer to me... BARRET: ...and being Tifa's bestie will not save you from the wrath of Barret! Now hurry up. We have to take care of this place. CLOUD: Why? CLOUD: What's wrong with this place?
[cheery music plays] CLOUD: Okay, can you guys fill me in on what's going on? BARRET: Lemme ask you, Blondie.
Do you even KNOW what this factory does? CLOUD: Uhh...Provide zero-emission, eco-green energy. BARRET: Oh yeah really! Then exactly is that green smoke coming outta that chimney stack? CLOUD: Well that's obviously the zero emissio-ah-Uh-ah-aw shit. BARRET: That's right Blondie! We are gonna make Shinra pay for their transgressions against the common people, polluting the lower city to make a quick buck. By God all-mighty, there will be an Avalanche of justice! CLOUD: [stammers] A-A-And uh... how exactly a-a-are we gonna- BARRET: We're gonna blow this motherf***er up. CLOUD: [high pitched] Ooohhhh. Y-Y-Yay. BARRET: Tifa did fill you in on this right? CLOUD: All she said was [mock Tifa voice] "Hey Cloud can you do me a solid it will be SUPER EASY." BIGGS: To be fair all we have to do is hack into the doors and plant a bomb in the reactor core CLOUD: [sarcasm] Y-Yeah that does sound SUPER EASY! BARRET: And guess who's planting the bomb? CLOUD: Oohhh... CLOUD: Oohhh...me. BARRET: And guess who's coming with you? CLOUD:[pained voice] Oohhh.... CLOUD:[pained voice] Oohhh....you. BARRET: That's right! I'm gonna be like a spirit animal giving you advice. Ask me what you should do. CLOUD: [monotone] Spirit animal, what should I do- BARRET: Don't f*** up! CLOUD: Aahhh gross. [Jessie's mouth breathing] [Jessie's mouth breathing]
CLOUD: Aahhh gross. CLOUD: Woah ho ho! Wha- You- you sure you need to blow this place up? Why not let it crumble like it seems like it will any second now? Also, how do we get down? CLOUD: O-Or we can find another way! CLOUD: Oh god dammit! CLOUD: [freak out] Ah! 'Fraidofheights'fraidofheights,frdsorishfodhrs- Nailed it! CLOUD: K, I don't know you well, but those guys are right; you reeeally need to get that checked out. BARRET: Okay, set the timer and plant the bomb. Then we bounce like titties, baby. CLOUD: Speaking of titties, when I get back Tifa and I are gonna have a SERIOUS conversation- [Cloud spaz noises] [CLOUD] CLOUD: Bwahahah. BARRET: What do you mean Blahhhh? CLOUD: I heard a voice in my head just now. BARRET: What'd he say? CLOUD: It told me... to not blow this place up. BARRET: Hmmm.. Your making it up and your lying or you crazy. CLOUD: Ah- BARRET: Really crazy. Like, I-don't-trust-you-with-the-bomb crazy. CLOUD: W-WELL then it's a good thing that I'm not crazy ahahahaha. BARRET: Good! Now just do as I told ya and don't f*** up! [bad alarm noises] SECURITY: Shinra Security breached: four bodies found in the Mako Factory Train Station. BARRET: DID YOU F*** UP!? SECURITY: Deploying Mako Force Security Death Lazer robot. CLOUD: I... might have f***ed up, yes. [ battle music ] BARRET: Alright Blondie, show me whatcha got! CLOUD: Time to cut this bucket of bolts down to size! [dink] BARRET: [sarcasm] Wow... CLOUD: I know. My skills are one of a kind. BARRET: [strained] Are they really!? CLOUD: What, not sold? THEN CHECK THIS OUT! [donk] BARRET: THAT WILL NOT WORK! THAT DOES NOT WORK! CLOUD: Trust me! [doink] CLOUD: I was in Soldier. BARRET: Right now that fact is scaring me and these robots - they can literally sense fear! There, you see that?! It knows I'm afraid! CLOUD: Okay so u - uh uh what should we do then? BARRET: Try. Something. DIFFERENT. CLOUD: Alright! Uh, maybe this will work! [zap] [big BOOM] CLOUD: And that's- BARRET: THAT. IS. HOW. IT'S. DONE! CLOUD: Wow! Who would've thought lightning could hurt a robot? BARRET: ANYONE! EVERYONE WOULD THINK TO DO THAT! BARRET: Now insert the wires, CLOUD: I know. BARRET: Make sure the charges are set, CLOUD: I know...! BARRET: Now set the timer, CLOUD: I don't need you micromanaging me, okay? BARRET: OH, REALLY?! BECAUSE AFTER THE EVENTS OF TODAY, I WOULD HAVE TO RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE! Now set the timer, CLOUD: I know what I'm doing! BARRET: That is an opinion you are having. Now set it to ten minutes! CLOUD: FINE! [bad beeping noises] BARRET: OOoooohhhhh... CLOUD: Ss-SHIT! BARRET: Do not- CLOUD: I can fix this! BARRET: DO NOT- CLOUD: [panic] I CAN FIX THIS! BARRET: -TOUCH IT AGAIN- [whoops] [very sharp intake] [bad beep] [bleep] [Barret rage building] CLOUD: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- CLOUD: I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO F***, WE GOTTA GO! [Mario jump noise] CLOUD: WHAT!?! CLOUD: ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod ohF*CK CLOUD: NO TIME FOR THIS! BARRET: RUUNN! WEDGE: Hey how'd the mission go? BIGGS: Uh, I THINK SOMETHING WENT WRONG! BARRET: BLONDIE F***ED UP! CLOUD: I DID NOTHING WRONG. CLOUD: Oh my god GET UP! [bad electronic noises] [BOOM] [pained Cloud noises] CLOUD: Nailed it. BARRET: HYUH everyone okay? BIGGS: Yeah. [screaming Wedge noises] WEDGE: MY ASS! WEDGE: POOPING WILL NOW BE A TRIAL! BARRET: Okay! Mission... Mission... complete? Mission... complete? ...I guess? Okay whatever. Now you all know the plan. We meet at the rendezvous point. THE REST: Right! CLOUD: Hey uhhhhh. I-I don't know where that is. BARRET: [mocking] Ohh? You don't? CLOUD: Yeah if you could fill me in on that, that'd be REALLY help- ahh - ahhaoookay I was ditched. [the crackling of the fire stayed with you Cloud] CLOUD:[to himself] God dammit, Tifa. Your friends are killing me... [victory fanfare plays] WEDGE: Yeah no I understand we ditched him and all but I mean is he gonna be okay? BARRET: Probably not. CLOUD: OH SHIT. BARRET: Because I get the vibe he pisses people off pretty easily. CLOUD: ASSHOLES HAVE TO HELP ASSHOLES RIGHT? BIGGS: Is that gonna be a problem? BARRET: Not for us. WEDGE: Hohoho man! an you imagine how PISSED he'd be if he makes it. CLOUD: [pissed] HEY GUYS REMEMBER ME!?!? [MAJOR FREAK OUT] [Epic Intro 2] BARRET: All right everybody, huddle up! We meet at the usual place. CLOUD: And where is that?! EVERYONE ELSE: Dude it's at the bar, dummy. BIGGS: [mumble] Come on get the f**king program. CLOUD: Thank you. BARRET: Alright y'all Now when we get to the bar we need to discuss our next plan of action. So if there's anyone there the key is to POLITELY and CALMLY tell them to- GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY BAR!!! BARRET: WHAT THE HELL Y'ALL DOIN BUYING DRINKS AT A BAR FOR?! GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS: A PLACE OF BUSINESS?! WOMAN: Hey cocksuckers! WOMAN: WEDGE GODDAMMIT USE THE STAIRS! WEDGE: REBELANCHE! CLOUD: So... you gonna let me in? BARRET: Oh I don't know... AM I? CLOUD: [whines] Dude, come on! I had a really bad day. BARRET: OH DID YOU?! Did your plans go awry when someone f*cked up? CLOUD: Thanks to Tifa, CLOUD: Thanks to Tifa, yes. BARRET:[calmly] Fair enough, head in! MARLENE: Pretty blonde hair! CLOUD: Hahaa, f*ck that. [tantrum, nice job Cloud] WOMAN: Oh good f*cking job Cloud you made Barret's daughter cry! CLOUD: Awww and I didn't even have to try. WOMAN: Wow. What crawled up your ass and died? CLOUD: Uh, I don't know maybe doing that SOLID for ya! WOMAN: Oh don't tell me your all pissy because it was "freedom fighting?" CLOUD: UH nope. THAT was terrorism! WOMAN: Come on! How was destroying a factory that sucks the life outta the planet terrorism? CLOUD: Whaa- ...every ...every PART of it was terrorism! WOMAN: Cloud! [softly] Cloud. Look at me. Who am I? CLOUD: Tifa... TIFA: And would I ever lie to you? CLOUD: Yes. TIFA: Second time - shame on you. CLOUD: Wha-what was the first time? MARLENE: Poke! CLOUD: Okay! That's it! CLOUD: Pfff!! Whatever... TIFA: OHH! Don't pull that whatever shit on me! BARRET: OH! Is he pulling shit AGAIN!? TIFA: Wha- why? What did he pull in the first place? BARRET: I'll tell ya later. Wheres mah baby girl at!? MARLENE: DADDY! Yeahaha! BARRET: Aw! There's my wingless angel! Aww did that spiky blond man intimidate you? MARLENE: No Daddyyy! He's not intimidating at all! CLOUD: Ughh... TIFA: Please tell me what Cloud did... BARRET: I shall in good time. Soon you will hear the tale of Barret, his merry men, and a blond jackass who- F*CKED UP CLOUD: So like is she adopted or... TIFA: GOD. Damn it, Cloud I don't know what ya did, but you go down there and you f**kin apologize for whatever it was. CLOUD: WHAT?! I am not apologizing; those assholes left me for dead! TIFA: Did you f**k up? CLOUD: What even is "f**king up" really? TIFA: AHH, you f**ked up! TIFA: Now go downstairs and apologize while I lock this place up. CLOUD: Oh what? Are you scared someone might come in and steal the 50 cents from your tip jar? TIFA: NOOOOOWWW!!! CLOUD: You know anyone can get down here, right? Like, anyone who wants to play pinball? BIGGS: Hehehe. Yeah, that's how Wedge joined. WEDGE: Ha Ha HA! Oh f**k me, I saw too much. WEDGE: Ha Ha HA! Oh f**k me, I saw too much.
[Breaking News] NEWS: Residents of Midgar were awoken today by the sounds of what appeared to be a terrorist attack on Sector 7's Eco-Green energy factory. Shinra police have investigated and found that it was caused by the group known as Avalanche. [cheers] Very little is known about this group... [more cheers] ...until today! [ooooohh....] Police have compiled a sketch of one of their members, as well as audio taken by police. [Cloud's voice] Coming Up Next: the dark, demented reality of chocobo breeding. CLOUD: Now... I know we've all made a couple mistakes- BARRET: I'MA KILL HIM!!! BARRET: I'MA KILL HIM!!!
TIFA, I'M SORRY BUT I'M KILLIN' HIM! I'M GONNA RIP OFF YOUR SPIKY HAIR AND STAB YOU WITH IT! MARLENE, CLOSE YOUR EYES! [whap] MARLENE: Haha! Biggs flew! BIGGS:[pained] I sure did. BIGGS:[pained] I sure did.
{cough} The kids love it. BARRET:[restraining himself] So Cloud... your gonna fix this, right? CLOUD:[trying to act cool] I dunno... CLOUD:[trying to act cool] I dunno... Am I? [Cloud fails to act cool] TIFA: [also restraining herself]
Hey Cloud! Getting along with everybody? [Everyone seems to disagree] BIGGS: [still sore] Absolutely not. CLOUD: Well guys, it's been great... BARRET: No...
WEDGE: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
BIGGS: F***, it hasn't at all. CLOUD: But I think it's about time from freedom fighting. BARRET: Oh, and what exactly do you plan on doing? CLOUD: Oh, well, uh, I'm just gonna walk out of this bar, and hopefully never see any of your faces again. BARRET: Yeah, you ain't going anywhere, boy. CLOUD: Ah..ha ha..h I'm pretty sure I AM. BARRET: The second you walk outside, yo ass is gonna get picked up by Shinra's police. CLOUD: Oh please! Like anyone's gonna recognize me from that picture- BARRET: The hair. CLOUD: Ughh.. You're so right.... BARRET: Well, it looks like you're stuck with us... BARRET: Well, it looks like you're stuck with us... like we're stuck... BARRET: Well, it looks like you're stuck with us... like we're stuck... with you. MARLENE: Yaaaaaaay... BIGGS: Yaaaaaay...
MARLENE: Yaaaaaaay... BIGGS: [crying] No, oh oh oh... CLOUD: Tifa, can I talk to you upstairs for a second? TIFA: Kay, what's up? CLOUD: [crying] Tifa, CLOUD:[crying] Tifa,
I'm having a really... REALLY... rough day.... and- TIFA: Oh my god, are you crying? CLOUD: I'M FEELING... a lot of emotions... CLOUD: I'M FEELING... a lot of emotions...
Anger... CLOUD: I'M FEELING... a lot of emotions...
Anger... Rage... CLOUD: I'M FEELI NG... a lot of emotions...
Anger... Rage... Frustration CLOUD: I'M FEELING... a lot of emotions...
Anger... Rage... Frustration... Inadequacy... CLOUD: I'M FEELING... a lot of emotions...
Anger... Rage... Frustration... Inadequacy
And it's all toward you!! TIFA: Wha- Why me? CLOUD: Because I did you a solid... CLOUD: Because i did you a solid...
And now I'm part of a terrorist cell! TIFA: Well... TIFA: Well... guess you got me there. K, so you got two options: A) You can take your chances at walking around as a fugitive, ALONE... with the possibility of getting arrested and sharing a cell with some VERY intimate roommates. Or B) You could pull your balls out of your fanny pack and join Avalanche. WEDGE: Hey guys! My gun wasn't even loaded for the whole mission! We would have got f**ked royal! HAHAHA! CLOUD: [starts crying again] TIFA: Let's be honest, Cloud. You in prison? I mean... just look at you! You look like the oasis to some very, VERY thirsty travelers... CLOUD: That metaphor makes me uncomfortable... TIFA: And your hair! TIFA: And your hair! There is just....so much to grab onto... CLOUD: [breathless] uhhhhhh.... TIFA: Four men! TIFA: Four men! At a minimun! TIFA: Four men! At a minimun! In ANY position! CLOUD: AHH! UH! ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT FINE!! UHH! WHATEVER, I AM IN AVALANCHE! TIFA: Aww thanks, Cloud. You're really doing me a solid here, bro. CLOUD: UhHhHH WEDGE: HEY GUYS! I GOT MY GUN LOADED!! [BANG] BARRET: WEDGE, YOU POTATO NAMED ASSHOLE! YOU SHOT THE PINBALL MACHINE! TIFA: [sigh] You know this really reminds me of back home. Remember when I used to trick you into doing things for me that would jeopardize your future and well being? CLOUD: [whimpered chuckle] Yup! Just like old times! BARRET: You told Blondie what would happen if he gets caught right? TIFA: Four dudes! BARRET: Damn girl! Shootin' for the stars! Y'know cause of the hair, there's just so much to grab onto- CLOUD: I GET IT! [victory fanfare plays] CLOUD: Alright Cloud, Now I know the last twenty-four hours of your life have been pretty... abysmal! But you know what? That's what you get for hanging out with Tifa! We just can't seem to learn our lesson with her! I mean... remember the first time we met her? KID TIFA: Hi my name's Tifa. Want to do me a solid? KID CLOUD: Your eyes are pretty. CLOUD: Curse you, twelve-year-old Cloud! You know damn well you weren't looking at her eyes! Focus, focus! We are stronger than this. We will finish this, and WE WILL SURVIVE THIS! [screams of an utter pansy] Today, NOTHING will BRING. Today, NOTHING will BRING. ME. Today, NOTHING will BRING. ME. DOWN. [Epic Intro the Third] BARRET: [to Tifa] Oh yeah! That's a good ass plan baby! CLOUD: Oh, that's great! ...what is it? TIFA: We're gonna sneak into the next sector and blow another Mako factory. CLOUD: Oh, so just do the same thing we did last time? [sarcasm] They'll never see it coming. Wait, WE? BARRET: Aw yeah! BTW, Tifa's coming with us! CLOUD: Ahhhh, seriously? TIFA: [patronizing] Don't worry, Cloud! I'll make sure to hold your hand while you set up the bomb. Remember to only hit the timer once! CLOUD: [more sarcasm] OH, CLOUD: [more sarcasm] OH,
HA! CLOUD: [more sarcasm] OH,
HA! HA! CLOUD: [more sarcasm] OH,
HA! HA! HA! CLOUD: [more sarcasm] OH,
HA! HA! HA! HA! CLOUD: [more sarcasm] OH,
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HAAAA!! SOOOO FUNNY! Y'know what would be even funnier? If I just stay here in the basement! TIFA: Oh, sure, you can stay behind. and when I get back, I'm gonna shove my fist so far up your ass that everyone's gonna think "Wow, that is the whiniest looking puppet "Wow, that is the whiniest looking puppet I'VE "Wow, that is the whiniest looking puppet I'VE EVER "Wow, that is the whiniest looking puppet I'VE EVER SEEN!" CLOUD: W...what...? BARRET: THE F***? TIFA: SHOULDER TIFA: SHOULDER. DEEP. TIFA: SHOULDER. DEEP. CLOUD. CLOUD: UGH! ALRIGHT! I'LL GO WITH YOU GUYS! BARRET: Perfect! Marlene, sweetie. Daddy's gotta go stick it to the man. You take care of the bar, okay? CLOUD: Wait... you're putting an eight-year-old in charge of this place? BARRET: Don't worry! She'll be safe! I gave her a gun. CLOUD: Oh my god, that's like, the complete opposite of safe. TIFA: Don't worry, Cloud! It's loaded! We're not idiots. CLOUD: A long time ago, you guys pushed your morality out the side of a car on a busy street, didn't you? TIFA: Cloud, stop being a pussy and come blow up private property with us. CLOUD: See, you're saying that so CASUALLY! BARRET: [sarcastic] Oh yeah! Just like the plan! Bunch up and look suspicious while we ride the train, you IDIOTS! THE REST: Sorry, sorry. PASSENGER: Ohhh God, don'taskmetomove don'taskmetomove
don'taskmetomove don'taskmetomove
don'taskmetomove
don'taskmetomove- BARRET: EXcuse me, PASSENGER: AAH! Please, no. I have a family! BARRET: That's alright, sir. Calm down. I have a family as well, a beautiful daughter named Marlene. Now, all I'm asking you- PASSENGER: [scoffs] How could anyone with a GUN for an arm call himself a parent? [silence] Preposterous- BARRET: AUGH! I would like to take a moment... and apologize... for what happened on the train. CLOUD: I mean... apologies accepted, but you spent so much time beating that guy up that we missed our stop and had to jump off. BARRET: Well I'm sorry, I just wanted to show that man what it would be like being a parent with one arm. CLOUD: That's uh... That's...pleasant. Uh, so does anyone know where we're going? BARRET: You got the map, Tifa? TIFA: Where the hell would I put a MAP? In all the pockets I don't have? CLOUD: Crazy thought, you could always wear pants. TIFA: I have legs that the world NEEDS to see, Cloud. I don't do lunges for nothing. CLOUD: Yeah, it's your legs that the world wants to see. BARRET: YEAH! And it's your mouths that the world wants you to close! Let's just keep walking until we find that Mako reactor. I wanna see my sweet baby girl as soon as possible. CUSTOMER: Excuse me. Aren't you a little too young to be working at a bar? [gun cocked] MARLENE: Aren't you a little too old to be asking stupid questions? TIFA: I'm telling you, she's maturing so fast. CLOUD: AND I'M TELLING YOU IF THIS TURNS OUT THE SAME WAY IT TURNED OUT YESTERDAY, I'M GONNA- BUudhddudud BARRET: OH GOODIE! It's turning out the same as it did yesterday! YOUNG TIFA: Papa? Papa, can you do me a solid and wake up? I can't believe Sephiroth did this to you! TIFA: Cloud? Are you okay? CLOUD: Y-yeah... Yeah, I think I'll be fine. I just got a really bad dream- TIFA: PUSSYYY! Alright, let's blow this sh*t up! CLOUD: Okay, stand back! Here... Goes... NOTHING... Huh, well that was easy. BARRET: NO SH*T! Alright, y'all. Let's biggety bounce and make haste to the place! TIFA: Yeah! I don't think we should go that way. BARRET: Oh, I'm sorry. Is the person who was in charge of bringing the map REALLY telling me which direction I should be going? TIFA: Really? I was in charge? Because I sure as f**k wasn't informed that I was declared map bringer! Was there some sort of meeting?! BARRET: Oh yeah! With complementary meats and biscuits! We also decided that WE ARE GOING THIS WAY- Oh good job Barret! The spiky haired blonde leader of AVALANCHE leading us in the wrong direction and sh*t! CLOUD: WOW! Just f***in' back the bus over me; why don't you? POMPOUS MAN: Well, well, well... What do we have here? If I am not mistaken, we have caught ourselves the pesky rats who have been chewing at our cheese. BARRET: Oh my god TIFA: Is that...? CLOUD: President Shinra. PRESIDENT SHINRA: In the living, breathing flesh. It's unfortunate, however, that I will not be saying the same for all of you. Much like the rat, you all couldn't help yourselves. But this time, the cheese has been complemented with a brass bar swiftly to the neck. CLOUD: It's been a long time, hasn't it? Mr. President. Bet you'd never see me again! PRESIDENT SHINRA: I have no earthly idea who you are. CLOUD: A-are you serious? I-I-I was in SOLDIER. [chuckles] PRESIDENT SHINRA: How splendid for you. Now back to the matter at hand. I believe it was cheese? BARRET: The only cheese I plan on seein' is Swiss when I put holes in your- TIFA: Hey guys...? BARRET: Tifa, I'm about to unload ram bullets into this sucker! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! TIFA: There's a giant robot coming at us. PRESIDENT SHINRA: And now my rats, let me introduce you... to the brass bar. ['nother boss battle] BARRET: Oh, HOW COULD I BE SO LUCKY to find myself once again in the company of both Cloud... ... and a giant robot? Will things be the same or different? TIFA: YOUR METAL D**K IS MINE, MOTHERF**CKER! CLOUD: I WAS IN SOLDIER DAMMIT!
[more dinks] BARRET: A mix of both, it seems. Alright guys, now listen. If we wanna defeat this robot, what we need to do... is come up with a PLAN- CLOUD: SOLDIER BOOLLT!! BARRET: [whispering] I can't believe you named it. [zap] TIFA: Barret! We have to help Cloud! BARRET: There's no time! The bomb's set to explode any minute now! CLOUD: Oh, GREAAAAT!! Tifa! Tifaaaa!! TIFA: What Cloud? What?! CLOUD: Can you do me a solid AND GO F**K YOURSEEEEEEEEEELLLFF! AND GO F**K YOURSEEEEEEEEEELLLFF!
[like an utter pansy] [victory fanfare plays] [CLOUD] [CLOUD] [CLOUD] [CLOUD] [CLOUD] GIRL: -cutie. CLOUD: [painful groans] UGHHHhhH. Oh, God. AERITH: Morning, sleepyhead. CLOUD: [more groaning] Ohhhh... I feel like I got hit by a car. GIRL: Cars are for the roads, silly! You fell through the roof. But don't worry, my flowers cushioned your fall. CLOUD: [coughs] No, they didn't. GIRL: Hmmm, you look familiar. GIRL: Flowers! Oh, you, blond sir!
(CLOUD: Goddammit, every f**king time.) CLOUD: GO F**K YOURSELF! Ohhh yeah... Sorry 'bout that... AERITH: Well, all is forgiven! CLOUD: Seriously? GIRL: Of course! You apologized so I must forgive you! Soooooo... CLOUD: Soooo...? AERITH: What's your naaaame? Is it Starbreeze? I bet it is! Since you fell from the sky! CLOUD: Uh, actually it's Cloud. GIRL: [gasp] That's a beautiful name! My name is... ...Aerith. So, Mr. Cloud. What were you doing up in the sky? CLOUD: Oh... I was, uh... [screams] skydiving, with my... BARRET: IMMA KILL HIM! TIFA: SHOULDER. DEEP. CLOUD. CLOUD: ...friends. AERITH: Ooh, you have friends! That's amazing! Aren't friends the best? CLOUD: Uh, they are... they are... CLOUD: Uh, they are... they are... fantastic. I... I... love... I... love... them...? AERITH: I wonder where they are. They must be so worried about you! BARRET: Well, I guess Cloud's dead. Guess we all owe Biggs ten bucks. BIGGS: Yes! AHAHA! [everyone else complains] CLOUD: What can I say? It, uh... ...pays to have friends. [Epic Music IV: The Quest for Peace] AERITH: So, do you want to come to my house and meet my mom? CLOUD: Okay, so, uh, listen. Well, I appreciated you watching me sleep in your church... flowerbed... I really gotta get going. AERITH: Oh really? But you won't meet my friend! CLOUD: Oh, I've- I've had a busy day I don't know if I have the... fortitude? for one of your friends. AERITH: Wow! I love building forts! Maybe my friend Mr. Reno likes building forts too! CLOUD: Your friend, Mr. Reno? AERITH: Hi, Mr. Reno! Do you like building forts? RENO: Ugh... way too early for this... HELLO AERITH! [fake chuckle] Remember what we discussed regarding your house? AERITH: To never leave it! RENO: And where are you right now? AERITH: Ahahahaha... I'm in the church... RENO: Aha! That's right! Looks like we're gonna have to take you back! AERITH: Awww, you're such a responsible person! RENO: Well, I have to be when you keep BREAKING THE F**KIN' RULES! AERITH: And so assertive! CLOUD: Heyyyy... bud... Why don't ya... Why don't ya quit harassing the girl? RENO: Hey- hey, bud. Why don't you shut the f**k up and mind your own goddamn business? AERITH: Oh... you two are buds? RENO: Hohoho! He wishes he was my bud! CLOUD: Nah, I'm good! I got enough ambiguous looking friends. RENO: Oh, is your friend a mirror? CLOUD: I- eh, n-no... RENO: Ah! You paused! Oh! Speaking of buds! Meet mine. So listen, bud. If you don't... BUD 1: Hey! Are those flowers? RENO: HEY! Did Rude send you to interrupt me? BUD 2: No sir! His orders were to... uh... RENO: Uh, WHAT? BUD 2: ...babysit, sir... RENO: [triggered] BABYSIT?! BUD 2 : Yes sir! Uh, after the incident with the falafel stand, it has been deemed necessary that you are accompanied at all times. RENO: Seriously? I jump over.. CLOUD: Hey! Uh, A- Aerith! I, uh, changed my mind. Let's go meet that mom of yours! AERITH: [gasp] Really?! CLOUD: Yeah, let's go right now! AERITH: Yay! Let's go the special way! CLOUD: Yeah- u-uh, special way? Uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh... AERITH: What's wrong, Mr. Cloud? CLOUD: I'mmmm allergic to heights... AERITH: Oh! And we're REALLY high up! CLOUD: AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaaHHhhHH... RENO: So what you're saying is... [Cloud crying out of fear in the background] Because of the awful falafel... [CLOUD: C'MON! PULL ME UP! PULL ME UPPPP!] RENO: I became unlawfully awful... BUD 2: Yes, sir! That's exactly i- BUD 1: WORDPLAY! RENO: Wow, guys. I really need to think about how I come across to people. Just... Just... gotta be with myself for a minute. WHEERREEE THE F**K DID THEY GO?! AERITH: Mooom! We're baaaack!! ELMYRA: Oh, my earthly angel! You've returned to our spiritual garden! I was sensing your lifestream energy as you entered. CLOUD: Well, it all make sense now. ELMYRA: And who is your friend? She's quite beautiful! CLOUD: Uh... [coughs] A-actually, I'm a guy. ELMYRA: And I am an oak tree! Spreading my roots and nurturing the lifestream. CLOUD: O-KAY! So it was very NICE meeting you, Aerith! And you as well... ma'am. BUUUTTT, I should be going. AERITH: Already? Awww, but mom was going to make dinner! ELMYRA: Orange peels, with a side of rutabaga leaves! CLOUD: Mmmmm-mmm! Tempting... AERITH: We always invite Mr. Reno. But he says his Turk blank-hole boss has never give him a day off, and should get off his blanking blank. CLOUD: Reno works for the Turks? ELMYRA: Oh yes! My darling angel is so special! They always keep an eye on her. One time I was meditating in my crystal garden and they kicked down the door! They were so worried about her whereabouts, that they started breaking everything we owned! AERITH: Even your magic smoke vase, right mom? ELMYRA: Yes... even my vaporal gateway into Shiva's garden. CLOUD: Aaaand The Turks work for Shinra. BLANK. F**k! F**k! F**k! F**k! F**k! F**k! Wha-, woah, hey! Hi? AERITH: Hey, Mr. Cloud! CLOUD: UUhBUHBABABA HOW DID YOU DO THAT? AERITH: It's a secret! CLOUD: Really? You didn't just used fairy dust to fly here? AERITH: You believe in fairies too?! CLOUD: So yeah! I'm going! AERITH: Are you going to YOUR house? CLOUD: I... don't have a house. AERITH:[gasps] Let's go find you a house! AERITH:[gasps] Let's go find you a house! (CLOUD: Uh wait nononono!) CLOUD: I feel like I'm losing control of my life. Well, who knows? Maybe she'll actually find me a- AERITH: It's perfect! CLOUD:[sarcastically] Y a y ! It's got every a live-able house needs... A sandbox, a ladder, aaaaandd a slide... The basic amenities. AERITH: Soooo... do you do skydiving for a living? CLOUD: Oh, heh. Uh, no. I actually used to be a member of SOLDIER. AERITH: Oh, really? What class? CLOUD: Oh, you... know about that? I was, uhh... First Class. AERITH: Wow, that's really cool! I used to date someone in SOLDIER. CLOUD: Oh, seriously? Who was it? I might know him. AERITH: His name was... CLOUD: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa! Hold that thought! Tifa?! AERITH: Tifa? Do you know her? CLOUD: Yeah! That's my friend! AERITH: Oh... your friend, is.. a girl. How quaint. Let's go meet her! CLOUD: Wait! Oh nononono! Yup, yup. I have lost control of my life. [victory fanfare plays] CLOUD: Okay, this doesn't make any sense. Why was Tifa riding at the back of that carriage? A-and why was she wearing that outfit? AERITH: Oh, does she not normally dress that way? CLOUD: No, she's usually wearing less. AERITH: Lovely... CLOUD: Uh, hey man. Did a girl in a blue dress pass by here? DOOR GUY: Listen buddy, I see a LOT of girls in a LOT of different outfits. CLOUD: Okay, she has brown hair, about five foot four, looks 20, long legs. DOOR GUY: Mm ya, that's not ringing any bells. CLOUD: Enormous tits and probably insulted you? DOOR GUY: OHHH YEAH! HER! She's got a mouth, y'know what I'm sayin'? Oh, the Don's gonna have a field day with her! AERITH: Oh, are they going to pick flowers? DOOR GUY: No! But there's gonna be a lot of plowin', y'know what I'm mean? [CLOUD & DOOR GUY laughing] CLOUD: [serious] Elaborate! DOOR GUY: Oh, this is Don Corneo's "Girls Only" mansion! We, uh, pick up some girls for uh- ...''auditions''. And if the Don likes 'em, they, uheheh- get the "job". CLOUD: Uh-oh. AERITH: What kind of auditions? Like for dancing? [gasps] I did ballet for three years! So I'm SUPER flexible! Wanna see? DOOR GUY: You don't say! Wanna audition behind that cart over there? AERITH: Do I?! CLOUD:[awkward laugh] Nope, nope. Aerith, can I talk to you for a second? [Epic Intro: Unity] CLOUD: Aerith, it would appear to me that Tifa has been kidnapped by a mafia leader, with the intention to give her... ...the sex. AERITH: Oh no! She can't do that till she's married! CLOUD:[chuckles] Yeah, okay. Anyways, she's in need of a rescue and since Cornholio's Mansion is girls only, we need a plan. AERITH: Hmmm, girls only? What if I go in and find her? CLOUD: Yeahhhh... no. You kinda got the whole "incorruptible purity" vibe going on and those guys will probably eat you alive. AERITH: Like a strawberry? CLOUD: If your name was Strawberry. AERITH: Well, you could protect me! CLOUD: Not unless I dress up like a woman! AERITH:[gasps] CLOUD: Okay, no. AERITH: But you'd make a gorgeous woman! CLOUD: You're just saying that. AERITH: I bet you'd look like the most beautiful woman in the whooolee world! I bet you'd look even prettier than Tifa! CLOUD: So what you're suggesting, is that not only would I be rescuing her, but I'd also be WAY better looking doing it. Hmmm... AERITH: I don't hear a no! Stay right here, Mr. Door Man! I'll be bringing my blonde friend! DOOR MAN: Well, if she's at least half as pretty as your guy friend over there. CLOUD: OKAY! Let's get going! AERITH: Hi, mister! We need the prettiest dress in the world! GIUSEPPE: Ahhhh, you want a pretty dress-a! You come-a to Giuseppe! Good-a choice! (goddamn, that accent) I make a dress-a for you, aahh? AERITH: Oh no, it's not for me! It's for my friend here! [whispering] It's his first dress! GIUSEPPE:[Italian gasp] Your-a first-a dress!? Oh, I make-a for you the greatest-a dress-a! In all-a the land-a! CLOUD: What's wrong with the one's you got out here? GIUSEPPE: BAD! GIUSEPPE SPIT ON-A THOSE! Giuseppe make-a you a dress-a worthy for a man of your ??? CLOUD: Giuseppe, you just made my good list! GIUSEPPE: Ahh, Giuseppe on-a everyone-a good list-a! Ya! AERITH: While he's making it, let's go find more stuff to doll you up! CLOUD: Sure, let's ride this train all the way to the end. AERITH: Next stop, Wig Central! CHOO, CHOO! CLOUD: Okay, no- "WIG" CENTRAL OWNER: As I have told you, I sold my last wig to one of those weird buff dudes from the church! All I have for sale now, are drugs. AERITH: Are you suuure? "WIG" CENTRAL OWNER: Yes! VERY sure! Drugs are all I have for sale! CLOUD: Maybe check the back? "WIG" CENTRAL OWNER: Sure, let me take a look. NOPE! All drugs! AERITH: Awwwww. looks like we've been derailed! CLOUD: Stop that. Where is this church? "CHURCH" LEADER: Welcome to the Church of Brodin! Have you come seeking swole-ceptance from the swole-father? CLOUD: Uhhh, no. We heard you had a wig...? "CHURCH" LEADER: You mean the crown of golden locks? CLOUD: Yyyyyeah... Think we could like, uh, borrow it? "CHURCH" LEADER: HAH! You dare walk into the Iron Temple and demand the righteous Locks of Brodin?! AERITH: Hmmm, we challenge you for it! CLOUD: What?! "CHURCH" LEADER: A challenge... Hmmm... we are listening, Valkyrie. AERITH: Cloud was in SOLDIER. So I bet he's REALLY good at doing exercises. Like... squats? CLOUD: Aerith, what are you doing? "CHURCH" LEADER: A glorious challenge... WE ACCEPT! SQUATICLEEEEESSSSSS!!! SQUATICLES: WHO SUMMONS THE MIGHTY SQUATICLES?! BRODINS:[gasp] BRODIN #1: Oh my, he dare challenges the vascular quadricep-tacle prowess of Squaticles? BRODIN #2: Oh-ho! I say he's f**ked in the head, bro! CLOUD: Do I really need to do some stupid exercise challenge just to borrow your wig? "CHURCH" LEADER: Indeed you do, outsider! But tell us, Why do you wish for these wicked-ass locks? AERITH: We are turning him into a woman! "CHURCH" LEADER: Oh well, you could just take it if that's the case. CLOUD: Seriously? SQUATICLES: Of course! No one should ever be challenged for their lifestyle! CLOUD: I feel like context is needed. "CHURCH" LEADER: Is there anything else we can help you with on your journey? AERITH: Do you know any place where we can get more girly stuff? SQUATICLES: Squaticles knows a place! "WIG" CENTRAL OWNER: Once again, just drugs. CLOUD: You sure man? "WIG" CENTRAL OWNER: Am I, the owner of my own store, sure that I have anything else besides drugs? NAHHHH, I'm pretty sure. AERITH: Well, do you know a place where we can find some girly stuff? "WIG" CENTRAL OWNER: I. "WIG" CENTRAL OWNER: I. DON'T. "WIG" CENTRAL OWNER: I. DON'T. KNOW. Why don't you try the Gentlemen's Club down the street. AERITH: Gentlemen's Club? Wait, why would a club filled with gentlemen have- Awwww... CLOUD: YEAAAAAHAHAHAH!!! [victory fanfare plays] AERITH: Hi Cloud. How'd it go? CLOUD: Well- Sooo... Sooo... uh... Any of you got some panties on you? GENTLEMEN: YOU'RE IN LUCK! CLOUD: Got what I needed. Hey, could we stop by a place real fast? One drugs please! "WIG" CENTRAL OWNER: My man. [Epic Intro VI: The Undiscovered Country] AERITH: You need any help, Cloud? CLOUD: Nahhh, nahahahahah I-I'm gooooood... AERITH: Really? Because you've been in there for 2 hours. CLOUD: I just... CLOUD: I just... really like the fabric. GIUSEPPE: Of course-a! Giuseppe uses only the finest of a chocobo silk-a! CLOUD: H-how do you even get that out of a choc- CLOUD: H-how do you even get that out of a choc- boc- CLOUD: H-how do you even get that out of a choc- boc- choboco- choboco- [laughs] AERITH: C'mon Cloud! I really wanna see! CLOUD: Okaaay. [curtains open] I look... I look... so... I look... sooo... cuuute. AERITH:[gasps] You really do! GIUSEPPE: You, are Giuseppe's [sniffs] pRRRIde and-a joy! GIUSEPPE'S SON: But-a Papa, I thought I was your pride and joy! GIUSEPPE: Well maybe if you-a marry one of those-a big girls and-a make-a me grandchildren, THEN you earn-a Guiseppe's recpecc! GIUSEPPE'S SON: But-a Papa, those girls are-a hookers! GIUSEPPE: How do you think I-a found-a your-a mother?! GIUSEPPE'S SON: I am a hooker baby?! GIUSEPPE: YOU DO NOT-A DISRESPECT-A YOUR MOTHER LIKE-A THAT!! GIUSEPPE'S SON: YOU'RE THE ONE- [Giuseppe and his son screaming in the background] CLOUD: Yeah, we should go. I'm coming down at the worst possible time. AERITH: We're back Mr. Door Man! MR. DOOR MAN: Hey toots, gonna audition? AERITH: Yep, I brought that friend! MR. DOOR MAN: Ohohoh!! Your friend got a name? CLOUD:[girl voice] OH! [clears throat] Uh, my name! is uh... Oh shi-shit! My name! Right! Uh- uh... Thunderhead? (what is that) DOOR MAN: You are gonna blow expectations. THUNDERHEAD (CLOUD): Hello there, sir! Oh, we are here for the a-a-aaaaaaaudition. GUY AT THE COUNTER: Alrighty! I'll get you to sign this form and afterwards you can head straight down there to the sex dungeon. CLOUD: What the fu- [clears throat] THUNDERHEAD (CLOUD): Uh, b-beg your pardon? CLOUD: She'd better be down here! Oh, there she is! Oh, thank God. She's alright! TIFA: DUHAHAHAH! Nice outfit! Did your grandmother lend it to you after her funeral? (oh shi-) THUNDERHEAD (CLOUD): I FOUND HER!!! AERITH: Yaaaayyyy! Hi... you must be Tif- TIFA: Oh, thank God. Uh, I'll take a double shot of whiskey on the rocks. Looooong. Day. AERITH: Oh, I'm not a waitress. Me and Cloud are here to rescue you! TIFA: Wait! Cloud!? He's alive?! AERITH: Mmmhmm! We snuck in to rescue you! It all started when he fell from heaven- TIFA: H-h-honey, honey. I'm gonna need you to focus the f**k up and tell me where Cloud is. AERITH: You're pleasant. He's here! You already met him! CLOUD: Oh god. TIFA: W-what are you talking about? The only people here are you, me and that spiky plump girl- Ohh... Ohh... ohohoh... Ohh... ohohohoho... OHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHHAHA CLOUD: Yeah, yeah, laugh it out! TIFA: Ohh... man, ahah- ahah- Um, uh so, um- [snickers] H-ho-how did you do the boobs? CLOUD: Grapefruits and 3 bras. TIFA:[laughs over hysterically] [catching her breath] Okay, okay, I'm done. CLOUD: Perfect! Now, we can- TIFA:[snickers more] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just I'm really glad you're alive and all but I just- I just can't get over the boobs. CLOUD: Uhuh, guess I know what it's like to be one of your shirts. TIFA: Ohhhh, sick burn, Cloud. I have HUGE tits. AERITH:[scoffs] Well, they're not THAT big... CLOUD: I'm glad you seem to find me doing whatever it takes to rescue you so funny. TIFA: I didn't need a rescue. CLOUD: REALLY? Because being trapped behind Don Corneo's chocobo bandwagon showed otherwise! AERITH: We were having a moment before he noticed you! TIFA: Cloud, you IDIOT! I wasn't trapped! I'm here undercover! Apparently Don Corneo has info on Shinra AND AVALANCHE! CLOUD: Oh... well what are you gonna do? Beat it him out of him? TIFA: No, Cloud. I was gonna f**k him. AERITH: LALALALALALALALALALALALALLLLLLAAAA MOOGLES! MOOGLES!! MOOGLES!!! MOOOGLESSSS!!!! TIFA: She's interesting. But seriously though, fear is a great motivator. Especially when his pants are down and I got that fierce grip. CLOUD: Ugh, please tell me you were gonna take the gloves off. TIFA: Oh, Cloud... you know me better than that! Now get outta here before you mess this up for me! GUY WHO WAS AT THE COUNTER: Alright ladies! The Don will see you now! TIFA: Ohh Goddammit! DON CORNEO: Well, well, well... Would you look at the spread I have today? Which flavor will I partake in? Strrrawwwwberry? AERIS: That's a yummy fruit. DON CORNEO: It is! But maybe I'm in a mood for grape... CLOUD:[high pitched] Uhhhhhhhhh... DON CORNEO: But you know what they say about blueberries! TIFA: They contain antioxidants, lower the risk for heart diseases, and... DON CORNEO: BORING! Ah, so, little lady, what's YOUR name? CLOUD:[high-pitched] Uhhhhhh....Thunderhead? DON CORNEO: I'VE MADE MY DECISION! AERITH: Ohh!
TIFA: You've gotta be kidding me... CLOUD:[desperately] Ohhh! Ohhh! Uhhh! Y-Y-You don't want me! I'm a virgin! DON CORNEO: PREPARE MY CHAMBER! CLOUD:[forced] Ohhhhhh....yeahhh...I can't believe that I was chosen! I'm so....lucky! DON CORNEO: Oh, baby, there was NO competition! You're just so reserved and shy! CLOUD: Hahahahah...yeah...hey, so, uh...you know what uh gets my vagina raring to go for that...[cough]...pipin' hot D? Secrets! ...Pertaining to espionage? DON CORNEO: Oh! Well, this'll moisten ya up, sweetheart! Shinra is going to destroy AVALANCHE by dropping Sector 7's upper plate right on top of their secret base...TODAY!! CLOUD: WHOAAAAAAAAAAH! THAT'S...R-REALLY OVERWHELMING! DON CORNEO: RIGHT!?! I'm actually the one who found where AVALANCHE was hiding! Sooo, Thundy...it's YOUR turn for secrets. CLOUD: Oh! Ahem. Do you REALLY wanna know? DON CORNEO: Oooh hooo hoo! I'm just itching! CLOUD: RRRRRREALLLLLY? DON CORNEO:[ecstatically] YES! YES!! YES!!! CLOUD:[inhales; in normal voice] I have a dick. DON CORNEO:[gasps in shock] CLOUD: SURPRISE! I'm a guy! DON CORNEO:[lustily] EVEN BETTER! CLOUD: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-- TIFA:[busts down the door] HEY, DON!! FUN FACT ABOUT THAT GRAPE THAT'S HIGH IN VITAMIN D-- CLOUD: I, I just told him I'm a guy. TIFA: OH WELL F*** ME SIDEWAYS! Guess I can't have ANYTHING today, huh? CLOUD: Well, how about I give you the info you dressed all slutty for? TIFA: FIRST OF ALL, I was dressed whore-y. SECOND OF ALL, that would be great. TIFA:[rising fury] So you're telling me those DICKHEADS AT SHINRA PLAN ON DESTROYING MY HOME/JOB!?!?!? CLOUD:[surprised] You LIVE there?! TIFA: THE RENT IS CHEAP, CLOUD!!! DON CORNEO: Your name is CLOUD? That's so beautiful! AERITH: See? HE agrees! TIFA:[max fury] SHUT UP!!!! How exactly did you figure out where our base is?! DON CORNEO:[casually] Oh, well there was a pinball machine in a bar my agent went to... TIFA:[irritated] Say no more... CLOUD: Well, Don, it's been swell, but.... DON CORNEO: Wait, Thunderhead! I just need to know.... CLOUD: What? [horror strings]
DON CORNEO: Do you think.... [horror strings]
DON CORNEO: Do you think....you could ever.... [horror strings]
DON CORNEO: Do you think....you could ever....FALL...for me? CLOUD: Uh, no.. [Trap door sound and group screams] DON CORNEO:[gleefully] Ahahahahahahahahah! I'm gonna go to my hot spring. [victory fanfare plays] REEVE: O-okay, sir, but once again, I must implore you that dropping an entire section of the city on top of ANOTHER section of the city to kill,
from what I'm being told, five people, 'kay, is not only financially irresponsible,
but our PR will take a NOTICEABLE hit! SHINRA: Well, you see Reeve... we live in a world of... absolutes... REEVE: Yes we do! As in:
"This is an ABSOLUTELY terrible plan!" Okay, okay, I'll use a metaphor: It's like you're trying to make an omelette, by DROPPING AN ENTIRE SECTION OF THE CITY ON TOP OF ANOTHER SECTION OF THE CITY! I'll be honest, this sounds like something Heidegger yelled out in a meeting, and NO-ONE challenged him on it. HEIDEGGER: Oh, why would they challenge such a practical plan, Reeve? HEIDEGGER:[laughing]
REEVE: Because it's practically insane! President Shinra, not only are we killing hundreds-
nay, THOUSANDS of innocent lives, we're also destroying some
of our most profitable areas! The distillery district? The water park? That falafel stand that we all REALLY love?! As the head of Urban Developments, this is
the most counter-productive situation imaginable! HEIDEGGER:[sarcastic] Oh, I'm sorry, Reeve! We were
just being men of action while... you were making that bonsai tree
in your office your wife! HEIDEGGER:[laughing]
Reeve: I'll make YOU my wife, you son of a-! SHINRA: Heidegger, Reeve DOES have a point. REEVE:[sigh of relief] Thank you, sir. SHINRA: Our PR WILL take a noticeable hit, and if our consumers take issue with our actions, they are more than welcome to sign up
with one of the OTHER energy companies. Oh wait, we crushed them under our chocobo-skin shoes. And much like them, this AVALANCHE
group will feel the full force of Shinra. I am willing to utterly and completely destroy our enemies. No matter how many "omelettes" need to be made. Do I make myself clear, Reeve? REEVE: Yes...sir. SHINRA: Besides, who could possibly stop us? [low growling]
[chains clanking] CLOUD: What the f**k is tha- [roaring]
CLOUD: What the f**k is tha- [roaring]
CLOUD: OH MY GO- [epic music plays] [Cloud being disgusted] CLOUD: So, uhh- Can we... Talk about what just happened? AERITH: I named it... TIFA: Yeah, we told you not to do that while we were killing it, now didn't we? AERITH: Its name was Sebastian... TIFA: Oh... my GOD, who the hell CARES?! CLOUD: You think you can lighten up for a bit, Tifa? TIFA: Oh. Lighten up? Oh, I-I'm sorry if I'm a little bit tense right now. It's just that after hearing about how Shinra's planning on dropping a section of the city ON TOP OF another section of the city - the one I LIVE IN - AND THEN FIGHTING A GIANT SEWER MONSTER NAMED SEBASTIAN I HAVE A BIT OF A SHORT FUSE!! AERITH: How short is it? TIFA:[utter rage] Now why don't you two do me a solid, stop flirting for a minute and come with me to stop Shinra from destroying our livelihood! CLOUD: Well, to be fair, you're the only one that works at the bar. TIFA: NOOOW!! AERITH: It was THAT short! TIFA: Alright, guys, we need to find Barrett and the rest of AVALANCHE to warn them about Shinra's plan! CLOUD: I think they already know. BARRET: THE BARRET LEAD BUFFET IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS!! CLOUD: It looks like they're fighting Shinra, ... But they got things under control! WEDGE: EeeeeeeyeaaAAAAAAAAAH-! [thud] AERITH: Your friends got one! CLOUD: Wedge! Are you okay? WEDGE: ...NO! Eehhrg.... CLOUD: 'kay! I got a plan! AERITH: What is it? CLOUD: Let's go kick some ass. CLOUD: Let's go kick some ass. SOLDIER style. TIFA: Right. Aerith. Go to the bar around the corner. There's gonna be a little girl named Marlene there. Tell her big sis Tifa and the blonde jackass sent you there, then take her somewhere safe. Also, she has a gun. AERITH: Oh! I'll take her to the safest place I know! My mom's house! CLOUD:[worried moan]
TIFA: Yeah! Perfect! [coughing] BIGGS: ... Cloud? BIGGS: ... Cloud? ... I need you... BIGGS: ... Cloud? ... I need you...
To do something for me... CLOUD: What is it, man? BIGGS: We're dying, Cloud... BIGGS: We're dying, Cloud... [cough] BIGGS: We're dying, Cloud... [cough]
I need you to tell Jesse... ... That I've always thought... Her voice... was hot... CLOUD: O-Oh... Really? 'cause you guys have always said-... BIGGS: 'cause it sounds like she's blowin' me, you know? CLOUD: ... A-aww, dude, c'mon- BIGGS: TELL HEEER! CLOUD: Yeah... You're-... not upset, are you? [Jesse laughing] [laughing together] CLOUD: What the- Ohh, ohh. Oh, she's dead. Great. [sigh] Gonna miss those guys. BARRETT: Tifa! Where the hell have you been?! TIFA: Trying to get the information about Shinra's plan! BARRETT: Well how in the hell did they find out about us?! ... Was it the pinball machine? TIFA: It was the pinball machine. BARRETT: Goddammit! CLOUD: By the way, I'm here too 'cause I survived that fall an- BARRETT: PERFECT! Now make yourself useful and act like you're something worth shootin' at! CLOUD: Good to know I'm surrounded by people who love me! RENO: HEY BUUUD! GUEEESS WHOOOOOO? [Barrett shooting]
RENO: HEY BUUUD! GUEEESS WHOOOOOO? CLOUD: Ohhhhh... No... RENO: Don't mind me! ...Just following orders. [beep sound]
...Just following orders. TIFA: So, you gonna introduce us to your BOYFRIEND, CLOUD? CLOUD: J'yeah; he WISHES he was my boyfriend! RENO: HA! I'd pay good money to see YOU in a dress! CLOUD: KILL HIM BEFORE HE TALKS MORE! [ battle music ] CLOUD: Oh, how the tides have changed, Reno. Now you get to meet... [muffled]
MY friends. [muffled]
And let me tell you, they ALWAYS listen. BARRET: We can't hear you. CLOUD [still muffled]:
What? I-I can't hear you! BARRET: WE CANNOT. HEAR YOU. CLOUD: I CAN'T HEAR YOU. BARRET: YOU ARE UN-AUDIBLE AT THE MOMENT. TIFA: Oh, GOD. Barret, get him out of that. I'll take out Prince Dyes-His-Hair. RENO: Ha-ha...! PLEASE, babe... A-The curtains... a-match a-the carpet. TIFA: Oh! You dye your dick too? RENO: Ah-hah...No. I actually *shave*, Sugar-Tits. TIFA: Ahh...That makes *one* of us. RENO: Oho, what's the matter? [mocking tone]
'Fraid of hurting your vagina? TIFA: Nah... but I'll HURT YOURS! [IMPACT] RENO: OOH! Ooh...! Ooh... ooh...
[echo of Emasculation] [pained]
Ah... You destroyed half of my enormous dick...! TIFA: [snicker of doubt] ...Yeah, okay. BARRET: ALRIGHT, CLOUD. I AM NOW GOING TO SHOOT... THE MAGIC PYRAMID AWAY FROM YOU, ON THE COUNT OF 'THREE.' ONE... TWO... THREE! [gunshots]
CLOUD:[scream in pain] BARRET: Oh, check it out, it worked. CLOUD: No it didn't, you son of a bitch! BARRET: HEY! Don't-you-ever-refer-to-my-primary-
birthgiver LIKE THAT! RENO [semi-neutered]:
...And, that's my cue to leave... ...Ow! Ow-ow-ow.. Bad day to wear tight pants... CLOUD: Eh-hey, thanks for shooting me, by the way. BARRET: Oh! No problem! And if you ever need a second dose,
just keep being a smart-ass! Now I gotta get my baby girl
out of here before it's too late! TIFA: Don't worry. Cloud's friend took care of that. [Alan Rickman Voice?]: You mean...THIS friend? CLOUD & TIFA: Aerith! BARRET: Yo, that girl sells flowers! [Spirit of Snape?]:
Greetings, AVALANCHE. I am Tseng,
(Oh, okay.) Leader of the Turks. I have acquired your...friend. CLOUD: AERITH! WHERE'S MARLENE? AERITH: At my mom's house! BARRET: OH, thank God... TIFA: Well, how did they capture you?! AERITH: They said they had a helicopter! TSENG: She's been a person of interest to us for quite some time. We were merely observing her. However... Involving herself with known terrorists, means she must now be brought in for... experimentation. Orders from Dr. Hojo. CLOUD: DON'T YOU DARE LAY A FINGER ON HER! [smack] TSENG: I don't take ORDERS from YOU. TIFA: Oh, I'm gonna f***ing slap your shit, you slick-haired Shinra cocksucker! TSENG: ...Charmed... Now, if I'm not mistaken, you have... A MINUTE before you die? [explosion] HAVE A NICE DAY. CLOUD: Don't worry guys! I can fix this! BARRET: OH NO, CLOUD! We've been down that road before and it is a DEAD END! So if you don't mind, I'm gonna SWING. Tifa, get on! TIFA: Don't gotta tell me twice! CLOUD: Hey! Make room! BARRET: My arm is not a seat, Cloud! CLOUD: JUST GO! CLOUD: JUST GO!!
[everyone screaming] [everyone screaming]
[more explosions] [more explosions]
[piano plays] [piano plays]
[thousands of voices cry out in terror...] [thousands of voices cried out in terror...]
[...and are suddenly silenced] SHINRA: Breakfast... ...Is served. [opulent laughter] [opulent laughter]
[inception Horn] BARRET [broken inside]:
How...? How could it all go so wrong...? Biggs... Wedge... Jesse... All dead, 'cause of me... When did it get, so out of control? CLOUD: Probably when you started blowing up their facilities. BARRET: Yeah... ...That probably did it. [brink of sobbing]
Is there anything good left in this world...? TIFA [solemn]:
Barret... When I went undercover, to get info out of Don Corneo... ...Cloud showed up, dressed as a woman. He thought I'd been kidnapped. Then we had to line up to be picked for the Lover Position... ...The Don chose Cloud... ...Cloud's fake name was Thunder-Head. [Barret's breathing gets uneasy] [Barret's breathing gets uneasy]
[turning into giggling] [turning into giggling]
[becoming laughter!] CLOUD: You're the salt of the earth, Tifa. CLOUD: You're the salt of the earth, Tifa.
[Barret's laughter turns hysterical!] [victory fanfare plays] BARRET: So you're telling me that my baby girl, Marlene, is in this quaint little cottage? [o.s.] ???: Whattya gonna do, stab me?
[STAB]
???: KUH! BARRET: And that this cottage exists in the -ghetto-? CLOUD: I- yes. Yes. This is Aerith's house. B-But as I was saying... TIFA: THEY HAVE A F***ING WATERFALL! CLOUD: We need to go in there, CLOUD: We need to go in there, sit Aerith's mom down, CLOUD: We need to go in there, sit Aerith's mom down, and tell her the bad news. ELMRYRA: Aerith's blonde friend! I have bad news... My daughter's been kidnapped. CLOUD: Ooooh! N-no way! How did that happen...? ELMRYRA: Well, they offered her a free helicopter ride, and... How can anyone say no to that? BARRET: Believe it or not, very easily. ELMRYRA: Ohhh! You must be the father of Marlene! That beautiful angel Aerith brought over! BARRET: OHHH! Why, thank you for assuming that automatically! That is a refreshin' change of pace. ELMRYRA: Well, I -can- sense these things Also, she has a gun, and your hand -is- a gun... So, two and two together... BARRET: Fair assessment. So where's my baby girl at? ELMRYRA: Oh, she's upstairs in Aerith's room playing 'Bar' with the cats. [Firearm-Based Feline Slaughter] MARLENE: Extend -that- bar tab, Mr. Whiskers! ELMRYRA: And I must say, It's so nice to meet another person who adopted a child. CLOUD: U-uh, hold on. What? ELMRYRA: Oh, yes! Aerith is actually the last of an ancient race called 'Cetra!' Who are destined to lead a chosen few to the promised land! But anyways... Why do you think Shinra would want to kidnap her? TIFA: So're you gonna be renting her room at all? [awesome intro music] [Elmyra Voiceover] CLOUD: Woah-woah hold up. "Found?" [Elmyra voiceover] [Aerith crying] AERITH: I can't believe my mom is dead! [bawling] ELMRYRA: I'll be your mom! AERITH:[cheerfully] Okay! [pause button sound]
CLOUD: Waaait waiwaiwaiwait. I-I can't help but think you maaaay have skimmed some parts... ELMRYRA: Oh, yes! Aerith's birth mother did say something, actually. [play button sound]
IFALNA: Please take care of my daughter! Because you are awesome! And sell the -dankest- of inhalants. [unconvincing death rattle] [pause button sound]
CLOUD: Think. Harder. [VHS rewinding] IFALNA: Shinra is... After my daughter-and I... We are the last of the Cetras! Destined to bring a chosen few to the promised land! But you see... I'm...dying... TO TRY THAT SWEET KUSH! CLOUD: O-okay okay close enough. TIFA: You know that's not how adoption works, right? ELMRYRA: I'm sorry, My mind is a bit foggy from the herbal inhalants I just inhaled. I haven't had anxiety for over twenty years. CLOUD: You do seem relaxed considering your daughter's been kidnapped. ELMRYRA:[gasp] My daughter's been kidnapped?! BARRET: MARLENE! BARRET: Now, Marlene sweetie? Daddy needs to go and avenge his fallen comrades while rescuing the nice lady who rescued you. So stay here and be nice to Mrs. "Aerith's Fake Mom." HOWEVER. If she has you sellin' ANYTHING. Remember to take a 15% kickback. MARLENE: [Scoffs] What am I, a charity? BARRET: 25%! Exactly, baby girl! You passed the test! I love you! CLOUD: Hey...everything ready to go, man? BARRET: Cloud... On one hand... I'm sad to leave my baby girl here for an unforeseeable amount of time... But on the other hand- CLOUD: -you have a gun! BARRET: ON THE OTHER HAND-UH- This seems like a -very- safe environment for a child! TIFA: Hey, guys!
[Tifa sounding as if she has had multiple marijuanas] I was just eating this plate of cookies,
[Tifa sounding as if she has had multiple marijuanas] And all the sudden this unicorn walked in!
[Tifa sounding as if she has had multiple marijuanas] WOAH NO THE UNICORNS TURNED INTO SNAKES!
[Tifa sounding as if she has had multiple marijuanas] CLOUD: Should weeeee... BARRET: Biggadi-bounce? Biggadi-yes. CLOUD:[exhausted groan] Oh thank God that's over. BARRET: OH! Feelin' better, your majesty? CLOUD: Now that I'm on solid ground? Yes. TIFA: Quick question, guys... After you come down from being ridonkulously high... Does your mouth normally taste like paint? TIFA:[still high as a kite]
GUYS, THIS WALL IS MADE OF DICKS! CLOUD & BARRET:[unconvincing affirmative assertions] TIFA: Oh, really? Sweet. So, what's the plan, cause I was all 'bleaughugh.' BARRET: Well, we're down to two options: -I- want to storm through the door, guns-a-blazin'. TIFA: Killer! CLOUD And -I-... As a former SOLDIER-- TIFA & BARRET: WE KNOW. CLOUD: -know the back entrance. All we have to do is climb a few flights of stairs, And we're in. TIFA: Hmm... I might still be a little high... But I like Cloud's plan. BARRET: Ohhhh. I see how it is! OKAY! Lead the way! CLOUD: Alright! Follow me! CLOUD: This isn't so bad, guys!
[everybody panting] Takes me back to when I was in SOLDIER.
[everybody panting] CLOUD: Oh yeah, this is... BARRET: Oh my God. CLOUD: OH THIS IS...
[everybody panting and complaining] This is a killer workout guys -this-
[everybody panting and complaining and crying] OH I AM FEELIN' IT! CLOUD: Oh what's this, more stairs? [insane laughter] Yeah! Oh I crack myself up! BARRET: SHUT THE F*** UP, CLOUD! [unintelligible post-marathon babbling and crying] [unintelligible post-marathon babbling and crying]
CLOUD:[exhausted] This makes me feels like my legs are on fire. [unintelligible post-marathon babbling and crying] [unintelligible post-marathon babbling and crying]
CLOUD:[exhausted] I can't... Oh God... CLOUD:[exhausted] Guys... TIFA:[exhausted] WHAT?! CLOUD:[exhausted] The door's locked... TIFA:[sobbing] BARRET:[the Sound of ultimate suffering] BARRET: ALRIGHT! LET'S GET THIS STARTED-
Did they ever confirm if they're gonna continue this or not?
This started off kinda unfunny and cringeworthy, but it got better as it went along. I would totally watch season 2 if it ever gets made.
This was pretty funny; T4S really just accentuated the comedy already present in FFVII. I hope they continue.
I will rewatch it all and then replay FF7. I'm bored and have no idea what to do with my life...
That was fantastic. Massive props to the guys behind this. Really looking forward to any more of this.