Fentanyl Addict interview-Sarah

all right Sarah Sarah where are you from originally where'd you grow up um Orange County yeah tell me about your family um my mom and my dad were married they had um three kids um I have two older brothers and um my mom died when I was five I could lose your mom um on Thanksgiving uh my mom my right before my mom passed away she separated with my dad so her and her boyfriend uh had me in the car and we were going to my grandma's for Thanksgiving my dad and my brothers went in another car and um like a share it was like a sheriff's wife she had ran a red light and um hit us and the car like flipped over um her boyfriend had like a broken collar bone um and then she passed away um and then I I was fine like I was I guess I was just like throwing up a lot all night from like shock or something but but yeah like um so like I haven't had a mom like pretty much my whole life so like it doesn't really like I feel like kind of like sometimes I don't know what it's like to have a mom like I have two kids actually um sometimes I feel like that's part of why like I've had such a struggle with like motherhood like my one child is with his father and my other child was taken away um do some things but yeah so um anyways but um yeah so my dad raised us we live pretty well like we lived in Mission Viejo um like he guessed I showed us love like financially like we had a lot of we we were comfortable you know like middle class I guess and um my older brother like uh he had found out that so my dad and mom had met when um they knew each other in the office and she was pregnant she with another man and had the baby and and he left when when my brothers four days old um he said I can't do this and walked out the door well so my mom and dad started dating when my brother was basically just like an infant so he's been my brother's dad his whole life you know but they never um like went through and actually like did the paperwork to adopt him so when my mom died when my brother was like 13. he had to deal with like finding out his mother died and finding out that his father who he thought was his father wasn't his father and his real father was a drug addict and he didn't give a [ __ ] the day he was supposed to show up to tell him he was his father didn't even show up because my dad was like I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna I'm not gonna like do that for you you know so anyway so he started struggling with drugs and like my dad pretty much did everything possible she had to help him but my brother just kept stealing from him like you know kept like doing drought we could there's paraphernalia everywhere in the house like he just was focusing so much on trying to help Chris like his friends and family were like you have two other kids you like need to take care of you know and so I just grew up kind of seeing that like finding spoons and like the little heroin balloons and like I remember like coming home from vacation once and being like Daddy Daddy like Chris threw a party like there's balloons you know and my dad was just like oh my God like give me that you know so he got out of the house and up later on that me and my brother would end up like using drugs together as like a way to like Bond um but um yeah like so so then I started acting out um I think because of that my dad was he was depressed you know my dad's gay yeah super weird I found out when I was like 18 18 my dad like was gay and like my whole life I thought like yeah he kept that promise anyways but and he has HIV and I found that out when I was young there's just been like a lot of secrets in my family like um there's a lot of things that have like come to light like my uncle like committed suicide he hung himself and we are lied to our whole lives and told like that he like choked on like throw up on his sleep like there's just been like all these family secrets and just as I was getting older I was just kind of like you know like you're not supposed to lie to your children like I know a lot of it was to protect us but it just felt like really confusing and so um um like I had a friend's mom she tried to adopt me because she didn't feel like my dad was like taking like care of us you know um and so I went to go live with them like nothing was done in the court but just whatever and uh she had an older brother I didn't know he was a drug addict or addicted to like heroin supposedly he was clean but I didn't know but he's 22 and I was 15. and I went upstairs like and uh he was there and we were watching TV and he's like oh do you want to smoke and at the time I was smoking weed I was like a Little Pothead and so um I thought he meant weed so I went upstairs like yeah sure and I saw the foil and you know I knew just from like my brother what it was like that it was heroin and I was always so against it like I was like I'm never gonna do that like I'm never gonna use heroin it's so horrible they're just so pathetic looking back that it's like I literally like everything that's led me up to my life at this point was like peer pressure of not wanting to look stupid like like you know it's like I'm homeless on the streets now I've lost everything lost my kids and it's just like over like being a 15 year old who just wanted to like fitting basically you know what I mean so um so um I started using thank you I started using heroin with him he he's the one who like shot me up for the first time we dated and then um after that like my family didn't know but after that it just became like a wreck pretty quick like 19 years old I was a stripper I was dating like a 50 year old sugar daddy like that was definitely like the epitome of like a girl who had daddy issues you know but um I don't know like it's it's just been rough like I came I came to La like literally to pick up drugs I was addicted to heroin and I was getting heroin that was cut with fentanyl and I wasn't aware of it like and my dealer got arrested and I was trying all these different heroin and it wasn't getting me high I was like what the heck and someone told me oh it's cut with fentanyl I can get some for you but it's in La so I started driving out to LA to pick up fentanyl well end up being like why drive back I'll just stay in my car out here and and and pick up be able to be near the connect so that ended me living out of my car out here slowly I lost my car now homeless a sting and a tent and then after that I was singing like an abandoned house um the cops came and got me out and now I'm just like living out of a suitcase just like bouncing around with strangers so yeah I'm 29 years old I have two kids you know and uh it's definitely like something that like looking back it I wasn't like it was it used to be so much fun you know like to get high it used to be like oh my God stupid feeling and now it's just like there's been so much that's happened it's almost just like I'm just getting like obliterate uh trying to get obliterated every day just to forget everything that's like resulted from like you know what I mean it's like kind of like ass backwards I never thought there'd be like a day where like I could say like I have friends that have been shot murdered dad like like when you start like dealing with people that are like murderers like shooting people stabbing people about meeting people it's like you think like you're rock bottom is you think you've hit your bottom I thought I hit it when I lost my kids and it's just like you don't realize like sometimes like how far down Rock Bottom can really be I used to see people lying on the streets and I would touch them you know I would be like who could do that like who could just sleep on the street like that they're so weird and I get the point in my life where I'm like I get that like I get like being so exhausted and just like mentally tired and having nothing and just you just don't care where you lie down you're just like [ __ ] you know and it's just like I never thought growing up I just never thought that this would be my life you know but it feels like sometimes it's just too much to go back like if I were to rejoin Society I wouldn't even know like what to do you know I haven't worked in 10 years like it just feels like sometimes it's like what like I feel like I'm an alien until like regain that like it just feels like it's it's too hard it's too like like overdosing and dying is like not even like doesn't seem like that bad anymore it almost would be like a relief you know just at least then you know like [ __ ] you wouldn't have to just keep like struggling you know but yeah I mean it's not that crazy but I don't know what emotions do you go through it sounds like the shame is what yeah files on from your kids and from everything else yeah and like when it becomes intimidating to try to even get out yeah like I I've always cared a lot of what people thought about me you know like I can remember being little and my dad telling me like Sarah like you know you've got to make sure you marry Rich because all you have is your looks like you you're not smart like so you gotta gotta make sure you marry well because I'm like just hearing that as like a little girl it's like it's like foot like I would never as an adult now I would never say that to my child you know what I mean like I would never make them feel like that all their worth and their value is is like physical Beauty and then when you're a Drug Act and you're losing it I know that sounds vain but it's kind of like you're like [ __ ] like like you know like when when people start recognizing you places and like like when I've had people come up to me and be like I can tell you're on the streets and stuff and it's just like your ego is like damn like it's like that like I can't even hide I can't even hide it anymore like like I'm going places and people are like can tell and it's just like you know there used to be like some comfort in knowing that I could like hide it and I could be like a covert addict you know and it's just like I always had a clean record and then when they took my kids away uh my house got raided because my father my child was on probation and he was selling drugs and um he um basically like basically I I got charged for his drugs and like he at the end of it they brought him in handcuffs I didn't know he was with them like he was in the cop car I guess he like led me to LED them to our house he thought I was cheating on him he was crazy he was Psycho I honestly think he did it to get back to me because he thought I was cheating when I wasn't even cheating um either way shouldn't have been with a guy who is selling drugs and having children you know what I mean but went from a clean record to now I have um felony sales following sales over an ounce selling child ninja went and those are not charges like I was always so proud of like having a clean record and then to go from that to that and just sitting next to the person you thought was like the the person you love and is closest to you and they come in handcuffs and they're looking at you laughing and knowing that nothing happened to them and it's all on you like like my brother has had situations happen with his wife and he always took the rap for her and I always thought like oh like my my man would hold me down and like and it's not like that like when you do drugs and you hang out with drug addicts you're alone like you're you're always alone you know I used to believe people and like that people were gonna like save me or like yeah I'll watch your stuff or we all and now it's just like not even like a question I'm just like no I'm good because it's just like you you just kind of like lose like your light and like your hope and like Humanity because you just are like constantly around just people who are smiling their face but with just so much as like stabbing back would would probably if you overdose they would be picking your pockets I I know some people who a guy overdosed in um their tent my friend went by the tent uh there was a dead body the tent that had been in there for four days top Pockets turned out no one called the police nothing and they were telling my friend oh no don't call the cop like just just really found disgusting like just sad just to know that that's like someone's like brother or someone's son and like that he was basically like his like desecrated and like just like like I don't know that's just like so like heartbreaking to know that you know like and and just to know that like the level of like that drugs can take you that like there can be a living human being and you are so selfish to care so much about your own addiction that a person can die and you won't even move their dead body or call the cops or get them help and you would take the shoes off their feet and search their pockets and then just walk around like everything's good like that's the crazy part like it's just the stores out here are crazy I have another friend who um they think that the people that he was living with he had an apartment and you know there's scumbags out here so having Apartments like a big deal well they think because he wants his apartment that they gave him like a hot shot or something not like they gave him something he ended up having like a a stroke went into a coma and all this and they're living in his apartment and all this shit's gone and and they're talking about it like like oh yeah did you hear yeah they pulled the blog on so and so and it's just like wow like like this man like gave you a place to stay and like you're now like living here without his consent and like you're talking like he's dead like he's gone and you're talking about it like it's like oh yeah like like it's nothing like like as long as you're high like that's all that matters you know what I mean it's it's disgusting it's really disgusting what is your drug now um God what is it I use hair I I use no no sorry we kept talking about heroin earlier um I use fentanyl methamphetamines and Xanax like the fentanyls like my main drug I'm addicted to and I also use the methamphetamines because so the phenol doesn't get me too down and then I have so much anxiety that like I use a Xanax too it's like it comes to the point where it's like I feel like I've had to add so much stuff in just to make me be able to like walk around and function that it's like it's like pretty much just like self-medicating I have a broken arm right now broken wrist I've had it for two months I didn't know it was broken my ex did it to me and um he said you're being a baby it's it's probably just spraying you know stop like and then and I just went to the hospital um like a week ago or something else I had an abscess and they told me they're like your wrist is broken like it's we need to re-break your wrist put pins in it like we need to get your referral for orthopedic surgeon and to know like for two months I've been walking around with a [ __ ] broken wrist and all because what like like my boyfriend my ex-boyfriend said like you know like I don't know all because like the people around you just I don't know it's it's just a trip it's like when it starts affecting your health like I went in there with a broken wrist two abscesses and then um a concussion from like I had and like the nurses were just telling me they're like dude like what are you like your health like like what are you doing and I was just like I don't know it's I hate I'm afraid of hospitals and I think it has to do with being an addict you're afraid of like Authority cops and I think sometimes hospitals get kind of like shoot in with that you know and so and you just don't want to deal with it it's just like oh well I gotta get my fix like I don't have time to do it or I need to be high enough to go do it or whatever you know but yeah so I gotta handle that situation what are you afraid of now honestly I'm afraid of my sons growing up and thinking that I didn't love them and then I didn't want want them and to become like me I don't want them to ever use drugs or like I don't ever want them to have to like go the places that I have gone you know what I mean I just want them to like do well and succeed and be happy and like I know they're they don't understand why I'm not around you know it's like mommy's mommy's sick you know but you can only really get away with that for so long it's been a year now since I've seen my oldest it's been two years since I've seen my youngest my youngest was taken away when he was um three I know he won he was two and my oldest is with his dad and he's um six and I was a good mom I was a really good mom you know I was wanting to have kids and I was a really good mom and it just really sucks because it's like he they know like they're gonna grow up with that you know I hate that my I hate that like I've gifted them in a sense at least am I pain like I've not gifted them because it's terrible but you know we inherit our we inherit our parents um there issues and things and it's just so terrible to know like that like I'm basically like giving my son's the pain of like an absentee mother and thinking that like their moms chose dope over them and from the outside looking in it's like I love my sons I love myself and I it's so hard because everyone thinks it's like you choose drugs over them but it's like it's just not so simple it's it's like people don't get like how hard it is you know have you tried to quit you're going to rehab seven times uh when I was trying to get my son back well I went to I detox once when I was like younger and then um another detox like a few years after that and then when I lost my kids I was like I'm gonna get my kids back and I just like I would go in and I would just like freak out and and leave like I would start doing well it was like I would start doing well and I would like to sabotage myself like I would self-sabotage it was just like all I know now is like this [ __ ] pain like to be like feel good and happy and to love myself and to like be healthy and like to be in healthy relationships is like it's almost like scary like you know what I mean it's like you're not used to that you know what I mean but I don't know I I still want to get sober I still I still think I still have my pipe dream of like oh I am gonna get sober you know one day I mean I guess I don't really say that that much anymore [Music] it's been all that difficult to not relapse on it is honestly like I can handle the detox like I can handle like the physical detox if it's painful but like I know I can make it through I've made it through it in jail you know like it's just still like compounding of like when you're coming off the drugs and then like all the shame and things you've um other things you've done while you were like loaded and things that you never would have done if you weren't and and all the people you hurt and and it just all comes like flooding in You When You're Sober it's like just almost like too much it's like overwhelming it's like like I I it's like I've repressed it for a reason you know but you know it's like you have to deal with those things eventually and say what other choices there I know it sounds cheesy but it's just like I wish I would have like stayed in like a program and like listened when they said like all that addicts all at least two is when addiction is jail or death and it's really true like I've never had so many friends and people I know die like within the past like year some of them aren't even fentanyl addicts there's a lot of friends I know too that have there might be like addicted to meth and they got meth laceless fentanyl or you know and so it's just like other people stab Rob shot like like I'm a white girl from Orange County like if you were to ask me 10 years ago if I would have been having exchanges with gang members and having people I know that are like shot and stabbed and all this stuff I would have like laughed in your face like I I was where are you staying now I'm on the streets now I just wherever the wind takes me how do you make money um honestly like I still I like I go and I steal some stores I boost but really just like if I'm missing I feel like sometimes like my grandma used to say like I'll make a good lawyer because it's just like I don't know I just feel like I've look sometimes I just like I've had to like lower myself and do things that I just wouldn't like wouldn't do like things I never would have done or people I would have never hung out with before you know using I was stripping before to pay for my addiction you know and like I always said I would never escort I and I ended up trying it two times and I was like I'm never gonna do it again and I haven't like I've been lucky with that but even just like stripping I mean that takes away like I was raised Catholic you know I was like came from a good family like it's like I feel like when I would like like I have to get [ __ ] up in order to like do it you know what I mean like and I feel like I have to every day the people that I'm like trying to get Dope From or something I'm having to like you're having to play a role like like oh this guy he wants this Blood he wants this little toy so I'm I'm gonna play that role to get what I need to get and eventually it's like you've played so many roles like you kind of lose like who you are you know it's just anything you'll do like anything to just get the drug whatever that means you know sir what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in your life um important lesson I don't know I guess just I wish I would have not cared so much about others you know we should have not been in such a rush to grow up I wish it would have not like look to men or physical items to fill a void or hole in itself you know what I mean just learn how to be happy just being you know what I mean um and just I don't know I just wish I would I would have I wish I would have just not been in a rush to grow up I wish I would have just been innocent a little girl and running around just getting my knees dirty in my little sundress you know like not like I feel like when you're a teenage girl it's like everything's so dramatic and you want to be you want to be this adult and like you know your hormones and you're starting to like boys and this and that and it's just like it can all be innocent fun and people there are people that can just party in high school and it's over it's over with but if you're hanging out with people that are doing like hard drugs you're probably shouldn't be there like you know what I mean you know I feel like growing up it's okay to go to like a cake party and you know whatever but if there's someone around you that's like doing like heroin or like these hard drugs there's there's something wrong and if there's an older person with an underage person like that's there's something not right there you know I just never really understood that like being younger I'm like what's the problem if I'm 15 and he's 22 like my poor father I was 19 I brought a 50 year old um boyfriend home I was going to I guess a like beginning life crisis but now he's getting me back he's like dating guys that are probably like the same age as me or younger so my dad's living his best life actually because like he's he's not like he's his HIV is like doing good and he's now that he's like come out of the closet he's um he moved to Palm Springs and he's like he's like happy now but I I haven't spoken to anyone in my family and um a long time actually got stopped recently by a cop because I I didn't know this but they had put out I'm missing person report for me so that was like kind of sad you know but I just don't want to like stress them out with I'd rather than like it's not I have to know you know what I mean because I just don't like kill my family just to know like just the things that I'm dealing with like on a daily basis like and I know that like my grandma like I love my grandma like she basically like raised me and I know like she could take away the pain and change it she would but she can't you know um my grandma she after when I was 15 after that whole thing happened living with my friend and all that with like the heroin my dad ended up selling the house and calling us on a Sunday and saying I'm moving on Thursday with or without you guys turned out he had been embezzling money and was on the Run we didn't know that then but you just left he just left us so I was like couch surfing and my grandma came and she found us and um we went to go live with them and to this day like my grandma is like I consider her like my um she's I consider her like my parent like you know what I mean and she's the only one that I really kind of keep in contact with but again it's just lies I'm lying to her about everything and I and I hate saying that because I love her you shouldn't lie to people you love but uh she's also in her 80s and I don't want to kill someone I love with stress of being you know what I mean of being like I'm doing this I'm doing that so I'd rather her just like like be happy and like stress-free and like think I'm like doing good and like you know that's pretty much it Sarah thank you so much for sharing your story yeah I wish you lots of luck getting getting out of here getting back with the kids thank you thank you thank you very much

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 313,515

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu

Id: 3KVl1rscLow

Length: 37min 20sec (2240 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 08 2022