Crystal Meth and Fentanyl Addict-Ehab

it's not the first time yeah i know it's an it's a unusual name for americans and she means uh the chosen gifts bestowed upon man from god really it's an interesting name yeah sounds like a big old joke to me all right uh where'd you grow up where are you from originally um i was born in the middle east um but i got asylum to chicago when i was about three or four um i mean i was raised mostly my whole life in chicago all right because even before i had to pay for my citizenship when i got you know older adult i always considered myself an american you know especially when people like i caught you know in racial trials and stuff like that so you're either you were born in jordan i was born in jordan and you came to us about three or four years old three or four yeah exactly so you know i got a chicago accent yeah you do i love italian beefs huh and deep dish pizza um you know i'm from chicago as well huh i'm from chicago as well yeah yeah west on the west side really yeah wow okay western suburbs okay yeah yeah yeah where were you um kidney park orland park yeah but when we first moved to chicago we actually moved oak park and it was about like oak park there's one block subdivision where all the whole block is owned by tituses we all like our whole family is pretty much consecrated in oak park was that right at one point in time in the 60s and 70s um what was your family like man interesting um it just didn't seem because one figure in my in my family mainly because of my father and i don't think he because he was just you know he was a man with his own simple problems and you know he was alcoholic in our culture if you don't if you're not if you're not a business owner and you don't you know have your own business and run your life and have your family and have own your own things that you're not a man and when my dad started to fail at those things because he used to go to college actually when he was in the middle east at some really good uh good european schools you know because he was actually smart he was really smart but he wasn't good at dealing with being undermined like you know so when he realized he came to america um actually before he finished school under under everybody's wishes and he said you know he wanted to go to america and own a store like everybody else you know and he failed at it and he drank more and he failed at him some more and he drank some more and he drinks more and he failed at it some more and he took it out on the only people that didn't care he was rich his family you know my mother and us is his kids the only people in the whole entire you know six by billion population that didn't care that he was a rich business owner he was the one that last the lifestyle on us for it because he felt ashamed of himself i i remember learning this at a young age when he would start to become so violent with me for no reason and one of my first memories of that is our understanding that is i was sitting out there watching the snow this is in chicago i've never seen snorla in my life i lived in you know petra you know born and patriot i never we've barely ever heard of snow um you see pictures of it so i'm sitting there watching the snow about five six-year-olds watching the snow out the window like most kids i think did and he just came home from work and he looked looked down at me and said question and we said in arabic quit the it sounds really angry when it's stuff like that you know what i'm saying because it is he basically said quit looking out the window like a jackass and hit me so hard that my head hit the ground and i think i was about five or six years old about this time and i started crying instantly but i realized he can't hate snow one man hates snow you know you can't hate me staring out his window does he hate me you know and then i realized at a young age about six years old he hated himself you know at a real young age that's a hell of an insight for a six-year-old yeah i get yeah yeah the problem is you know at least at least for a lot of people who never experienced you know a violent father figure a parental figure and it's such an early age because i mean he didn't he didn't spank us with belts he didn't hit us with cords he broke ashtrays over our heads he pulled knives on my mother and he you know it was very violent especially in the drinking years um and that seemed to rule the whole governing of her house was walking around each other on her own father you know because my mother was a typical a whole typically different heart like just by total opposite you know they didn't matter where she could have been born she was gonna be a great mom and that's just how she was she was you know i love my mother to death i hated my father my whole my whole life as a kid i mean we used to actually say when when he went when he died that we would wear red dresses to his funeral the same we had in arabic you know but the day he did die we still all cried you know um but at this um but you know he he got drunk he drank he got more angry and he drank some more and he got angered some more and it was just snowball effect and he didn't communicate with any of us you know my mom was different the mom was like the love and affection one held us all together and he was when he would get home we would know everybody scurry to the corners of the bedroom stay out of his way because it you you didn't have to do anything to get beat the out of and he was he was kind of ruthless at the point you know i mean i remember him smacking me in the face when i was uh no no no more bigger than seven or eight years old because i was eating my corn too fast i love corn it was my favorite my favorite flexible you know and he infuriated him but that's why i still realize that he's he's he's mad at himself for something i was still trying to figure out at that point in time because at that point i was too scared to react you know i never like the first time i remember jumping on my father's back when he was attacking my mother with a knife and stuff you know i think i was about eight or nine years old it was like the extra it was like the greatest feat of my life at that point you know like i finally stood up to him i i jumped on his back and i kept squeezing and squeezing and squeezing until he couldn't even breathe anymore and he fell down because he had a knife his hand because he literally he broke my mom's arm before you know and it just like felt like the biggest triumph in the world for me but it was still pretty hard to understand the whole situation as a eight-year-old kid you know it's really advanced that you were able to figure that out i didn't yet yeah i didn't yet i thought i did i mean you think that sounds about figured out but it just it didn't stop though see he stopped drinking eventually right because my mom was about to divorce him and to be divorced in arabic culture a very rare thing so he didn't want that right so um after that he promised to stop drinking and he did this is about when i was about 13 14 years old he stopped drinking but the anger got more intense that's what that's what see i think the drinking actually kept it at a milder tone and he became more violent when he stopped drinking um and that seemed to dem you know dominate our household is walking eggshells around our father you know um i'm the youngest of four siblings the baby i have one older brother who passed who's three years older than me he just passed about a year and a half ago um he actually he actually died a long time ago when he uh had a tragic accident when he jumped out of a window and hit his head when he was 18 right i'm 38 i'm 39 years old now my brother died two years ago he was three years older than me so i was 36 he was 39 when he died but that's because he's been locked up in a mental home ever since he was about 18 he he never did drugs he was he was a good big brother you know like i was like the bad one who went to drugs and stuff i was only black sheep went to drugs and um he didn't you know until he got a little bit older 18 you know i was starting doing drugs by the time i was 12 14 years old um but just from within that one year he took some acid some good gel to have acid and i was actually in juvenile correctional just a facility i did juvenile parole i did about i've been about three years in jail before i was 17. because i just you know i had a lot of anger issues that you know i brought from home to school so um but my brother after that day he developed brain damage and to me if uh when i seen him after that when i got released out of juvenile dlc when i was 17 and he was about 20 years old he looked at me when i seen him and he didn't know who i was you know and that's when i realized that he would never be the same again so this is about when he was 18 19 19 20 years old and i realized that right there when i looked at him in his eyes that he died that day you know what i'm saying she jumped out of the window for what reason he jumped around here i window when i was 16 and was he was 19. but why because he took gel-type acid oh i see had a bad trip and he never took drugs he was the big brother he was the responsible one he was he was a brother that went out to work and brought checks back home and i was actually already in the streets by the time i was 14 you know my friends get high you know before he ever even knew what drugs is but it only took a short while and just that one instant to really like just change his whole right life for the rest of his life it killed who he was what made him my brother i surfed hedros you know the big good big brother he was you know all directed but what was it the damage the injuries from the window jump fall and being unanswered as well it causes chemical imbalance in his brain oh really like we had to we had to teach him how to re-feed himself you know we had to teach him how to eat from trying acid once uh-huh from trying acid once uh once i think it was first time trying to answer yeah other than that all he did was like sometimes smoke weed and he i think he had a religious reaction when one time he tried to drink a whole bottle of robitussin you know so he was like you know he because he wasn't you know he was sober a kid until that year and it's all from that year to that incident changes the rest of his life but um that killed me man that killed that was a black hole like that was the black spot in our family's heart and that never disappeared i could see it on my mom's face from to this day i could you know hear in her voice everything on in our whole family it just like a wave so the whole family changed you know because we had so much hope for him you know you know my everybody thought i was i was going to be my typical my dad and be the angry one and be the drinker and which i was just drug addict instead from you know most of my life but i was i was always having my my dad's blood the anger you know and uh you know pretty much revolting you know i guess like just going to school and doing what's pretty much predicted for you you know and what's you know sensible for you um and uh yeah he wasn't but the brain damage like literally he couldn't even what we had to do to be talked how to walk how how to eat and he got a little better but in his eyes when you look when you i looked in my eyes we all knew it we all knew the same thing we didn't understand anything we just told each other to cry especially when i see my mother's eyes and um he died about a year ago died died because he's been in the mental homes uh in in [Music] chicago and california for past 15 years because um he started and you know a lot of mental cases i don't know why they just smoke smoke eat eat eat smoke and you end up having a heart attack a year ago but i caught my sister because i've been on the streets and stuff here but i called my sister to check in with her like i know me do every once in a while i never called my family for money ever not once on the street actually i think one time i asked when corporate started i asked if i they loaned me a thousand dollars so i can get a place and they said absolutely they're not i don't give a if ebola takes over if you're on drugs you're going to get ebola before you get a sense out of me and i said okay that's what i figured how are you doing you know because i used to just call and say hi you know um that's the only time i ever had some money because i haven't felt like guilty asking for money especially when they know where i'm going to spend it i don't need my i don't need money i don't need drugs i need to be a sober you know and we all knew that and um yeah that was a pitiful pinnacle pitiful pivotal point in my life well it kind of just suck it's really soft for me to everything you know because i used to have a lot of my dad's anger issues but i never had women i never drank but i did drugs instead but my mom would always tell me you have my heart and your dad's mind and that's where you battle and between those two she's like try to remember me do i remember what the good things are when those things in your mind try to remember remember all the bad things you know uh to me my mom compared compared to my dad was the same you know i mean he he's broken my nose a couple of times a little bump right there stuff is not from street fighter my father you know he used to break ashtrays over my head and stuff he wasn't the typical you know go get a switch from outside or belt or nothing because he just couldn't get the grass of we are the only people in the world that don't care that you're not your own business owner we love you as a bus driver you know we want you you can be a father as a bus driver you can't be your father as your lazy raving lunatic obsessed about not being your own boss so he was always a bitter person and he's always bitter and always angry he wasn't a talkative person you know my mom is totally opposite what's my family totally opposite do you feel like the childhood you had with your father is kind of why you're in the situation you're in today i can't i can't i can't know i mean i could see how a kid and why a lot of my anger issues affected my school life and i didn't go to school and i didn't want to listen to teachers how about you in school i actually just got my i got my ged after my my younger adult years that you dropped out i dropped out i started working for construction when i was about 14 14 years old 13 years old yeah yeah because i went to juvenile dlc the first time i went to juvenile dlc was i was 14 years old the first time i went to juvenile detention was when i was about 11 or 12. and i kept getting arrested kept being arrested you know first was recharges and then you know about 14 you know this time and after i caught my third drug case as a child they sent me to a juvenile deal department of corrections for juveniles so i spent my longest term there my first term there was three months uh you know i had two two terms there three three months piece and then my last and longest term was when when i was uh as a child i think four four eight to eight months i think i believe and i was released actually i maxed out date i maxed out on the charge that i was charged with and now they released me at the age of 17 adult so i was released with a clear balance like and it was and i felt it too you know it wasn't just like i was clear because the some lawyer got me out i was cleared because the maximum years for the for the crime i did can be could no longer serve more years as a juvenile so they released me on my 17th birthday um by the time i was released that's when my my parents didn't want to tell me what happened to my brother until they came all the way to grafton illinois that's about an eight hour drive from chicago where we live picked me up from there that was the facility i was at in the juvenile dlc system because it's just like the prison system it's all over the country um so um yeah i actually started to adhere a little bit to life after that you know um i stopped i was sober for a few years you know i got a couple things together you know and i was doing okay i moved out uh i was about 18 19 with some friends roommates you know down the street for me actually because my dad beat the on me so bad i ran over there in the middle of the night and i didn't want to tell them what happened but i couldn't stop crying and they wouldn't stop pressing me about what happened you know the great friends i still still talk to them to this age still talking one one of them wants me to be the best man actually the two brothers both asked me to be best man and um my other best friend asked me to be a best man what do you do and i think the that are all all off too too busy being a drug addict maybe i felt like i didn't deserve it for whatever reason you know i don't know at point times i felt like i failed my brother after my family because you know i should have been more there but i revolted more um and that was like if there was a book written in my life that would be called the sadness that those chapters you know i'm saying because i actually started doing pretty good um my dad stopped drinking he was still kind of a bitter old man but he was getting too old to you know be such a threat to us so he had to hear his life a little bit um he actually became a school bus driver my mom at this point got in a car crash and used her legs and she was on disability the rest of her life even now um yeah and uh i started to do good i had my own place i actually moved down or i've worked construction my whole life so um but i never went to school until i was about to 23 to get and i got a ged that way because i never even got a chance to go to high school because i was in juvenile dlc and you get i thought in chicago at that point you could only get a ged uh degree not a high school diploma in juveniles you'll see it so i just got out when i when i was 17 and i started working construction i worked with construction my whole life you know um you've been homeless now for how long at this point yeah i've never been home to this point how long have you been living on the streets not since right now i've been homeless four years now four years yeah and i was homeless before for like another five years i believe five five yeah you know three years three years so seven years total with a little bit and break in between is the longest then um um but at one point in time i started doing good i moved i was about 26 years old no i was 22 years old i moved to san diego california and stayed with my mother there and i moved out got my own place i started going to school and like you know you know what the crazy thing is is i work construction jobs when i was 18 then i was making 22 an hour at the time the minimum wage in chicago was six seventy five seven dollars you know i'm making more than most of my parents i've i've done my own side jobs i started my own little side company and everything and done my own my own work and jobs that cost literally almost ten thousand dollars um i put the roof on my mother's house actually when i was yeah i think that was when i was 17 because that was the first job construction job i got was a roofing and concrete company i put that roof from my mother's house by myself with the help of my teaching my friends um no one ever believes that either and then i'll tell them you can call my mom right now and put it on speaker phone who put the roof on your house when when you're 16 mom you did your and you did a good job you know that's that's my mom you know she's got this cute little accent jordanian accent moving about four foot too tall but that she got a heart of a beast she she just got a heart of the beast and brave she's brave man she's really big um yeah and that felt good that was one of the best feelings in the world when i did that you know i did it on my own you know i was leading it you know and at first she didn't have confidence in me but then when she at first i did landscaping for her she seen how good i was at it and she let me put the roof on her house and the roof to this day did not leaked one drop my uncle still owns the house and rents it to other family and he's still telling me it has not leaked one drop that's pretty i was about 20 years ago 20 yeah 23 years ago um so they knew i always had a knack for like you know i was smart and that's what that's what killed my family my mom actually i just talked to you the other day she's like you're telling me because you're so smart you could do whatever you want and everybody knows that you're talented you know i could sing i played it i started playing instruments when i when i was a little older and i just adhered to him you know anything i wanted to do put my mind to i would really do it you know whether it was you know roofing whether it was playing piano you know i used to know a moonlight slot sonata the old ninth symphony you know and i never even started playing piano and instruments until i was about 20 23 my sober years you know but i really adhered to it you know um i lived with roommates until i was about 26 my family had moved to uh san diego and um uh arizona and los angeles prior to this or prior to me leaving so i was the last family member that was still in chicago um [Music] but you know i just i couldn't take it by myself and just my friends because you know how far friends go sometimes i have a good little good strong group sector friends that have have gone way like out the reaches of helping somebody you know and most typical friends i've never even heard of doing you know like going my crack dealer's house that they never knew in the middle of the ghetto which they don't go you know and screaming out his outside of his window give us our e-hat back give it a give it to us now like that like you know and um there's just always been a good close friends because i actually when i moved into roommates with an irish family you know i remember my buddy tony and stuff and that's who i started really working construction for and concrete you know and taught me the trades of everything him and his stepfather the hardcore carry irish family and you know and they taught me a lot of good work ethics like any person that i ever tell you i work for him he's probably one of the best workers you ever see in your entire life and he could figure out faster than anyone i've ever seen but the thing is a lot of times he can't stay steady work three three months without getting the big pay when he goes a job somewhere and then i don't see him on on monday you know because i was a drug addict my whole life that was that was a dominating force what is your drug now uh i'm enjoying now is uh crystal meth and uh fentanyl uh i actually just got out of the hospital i don't know if you noticed it was hard for me to get up because i od and um when i got a hospital or bless you by first i got locked up got released and i at that point i didn't know how i was gonna get drugs and stuff because you know i had nothing at that point and i was so weak i decided to go to a good samaritan hospital this is just recently just now so i was in good submarine in about five six days and they released me yesterday um which i'm like it's pretty much i'm a sober right now you know kind of a couple puffs here and there but i used to do a lot more than pick up puffs you know um how do you support yourself i i you know i always support myself on the streets um mainly by like you know just you know trying to stick to the commercial uh you know stealing it you know uh yeah boosting or or at a point in time that i've sold by myself you know yeah a lot of times yeah yeah that's that's one of the things that very few people admit to yeah and then we didn't i was questioning that i was never able to admit to it then ever but now i tell people hey i've done it all man you can't you can't you can't tell me no i don't know you can't you can't shame me in any type of way i've done everything that you could probably think of it some more you know so i think honestly is the key to getting past it yeah yeah okay you can keep it inside but it'll it'll haunt you for the rest of your life yeah you say you never did it you said it never happened you know i'm i was never my family was born christian right i was baptized as a christian but at a young age i i told myself that not that i don't believe in jesus but that reminded because you know born in a christian household but that i believe in something more than just one entity you know i'm leaving like there is the sense of god and that's the sense of the whole point that we use exists at all in this very point in time in this special universe at this time is a miracle in itself you know just for a split second because not even god can take back that he made us can he he'd have to go back and and and now you know that he may made us to take us back and then he'll get rid of us right yeah these guys are nuts mistake number one but even god will be aware of that so not even god can fight our own existence not even god himself can say that he never created us and just our own existence i think is the biggest miracle in the universe all right ihob thank you so much for sharing your story thank you man i wish you the best of luck thank you i hope you figure this out i'm gonna try you deserve something better than this thank you thanks you

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

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Id: eAkXVNtlMT8

Length: 34min 9sec (2049 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 07 2022