Human beings are hard-wired for social connectedness,
which is as necessary for a healthy brain as exercise and proper sleep. Children need
love, nurturance, protectiveness, and acceptance from caretakers, and when these needs are
not met in a significant way, it creates crises that can lead to depression, anxiety and destructive
and self-destructive behaviors. One such crisis is a fear of intimacy.
Intimacy means "into me see," thus you are comfortable sharing your opinions, likes,
dislikes, fears, hurts, regrets, hopes, and dreams. It means being genuine and transparent
in your close relationships. If you avoid intimacy altogether, then others will only
know the mask you present, never knowing your True Self, which is a lonely place to be.
So, why do some people fear letting others know who they are? Well, it's because of shame,
which is what children often develop when their primary caretakers are unable or unwilling
to meet their needs because of abuse, neglect, or significant dysfunction for any reason.
Shame is the belief that I am defective, not good enough, unworthy, unlovable, incompetent,
or bad, which is the story children often tell themselves when caretakers don't meet
their needs. Children do not have the maturity to understand that "I'm OK" and my alcoholic
father is not OK. Rather, children conclude that "there must be something wrong with me
that dad is always angry with me," and that is the birth of shame.
Thus, children who grow up in dysfunction blame themselves for their caretakers inability
to meet their needs, and that shame becomes an unexamined truth for them that will undermine
their attempts to build healthy relationships for the rest of their lives until they mindfully
"wake up" and come to recognize and understand the unconscious saboteurs that reside within
them - shame and its logical companion, a fear of intimacy.
So, how does shame lead to a fear of intimacy? Well, if I believe I'm unworthy of love and
yet begin to fall in love, I will experience an emotional crisis, which goes like this:
"I'm lonely and want to have a partner through life, but if I let you get too close to me,
then most certainly you will 'find me out' and realize I'm not the person you think I
am, but rather the loser I know I am, and then you will abandon me, and I will suffer!"
So what do persons with shame and a fear of intimacy do to resolve this crisis? Well,
they might sabotage the relationship through criticism, arguments, and even cheating and
lying to create emotional distance from someone who wants too much intimacy, or they might
avoid intimacy altogether by choosing emotionally unavailable partners, such as an alcoholic
or anyone who has an unexamined fear of intimacy. Or they might fall into "yo-yoing" the person
of their affection, which goes like this: When the relationship becomes too emotionally
close, triggering their fear of intimacy, they create distance by picking
a fight or criticizing their partner, but then when the relationship becomes too distant,
they fear losing their partner and then reel them back in, which is repeated, over
and over, just like a yo-yo! One of the telltale signs of a person with a fear of intimacy is
that just when the relationship is going well, they find a way to push their partner away.
Another way persons try to resolve the crisis created by shame and a fear of intimacy
is by becoming controlling and possessive. In effect, they strive to put their partner
in a cage for which they have the only key, so they can feel safe! Of course, this often
becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because they treat their respective partner with such disrespect
that eventually he or she becomes sick of it and abandons them!
Needless to say, none of these strategies for coping with shame and fear of intimacy
are healthy. All are dysfunctional, guaranteed to sabotage relationships. So, what can a
person do to overcome their shame and fear of intimacy, so they are able to participate
in healthy and intimate relationships? Well, first they must learn to understand and recognize
the unconscious saboteurs within - the shame and fear of intimacy, the old programming
from a dysfunctional childhood. Next, they must learn to feel the fear and shame, and
instead of avoiding these uncomfortable feelings, strive to accept and observe them while moving
forward, one step at a time, by practicing and learning healthy relationship skills.
If you'd like help overcoming shame and a fear of intimacy, then visit my website,
serenityonlinetherapy.com, to learn more about me and the online services I provide.
If you found this video helpful, please click the Thumbs Up button. And if you want to hear
more from me, then click the subscribe button at the bottom right corner of the screen.
I will be publishing a new video every other weekend.
And finally, keep paying attention to your life!
Until next time!
