Families: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly | Therapy & Theology with Lysa Terkeurst

thanks for tuning in today friends this episode is going to cover questions you have about family Dynamics because let's be honest it's hard we're going to talk through questions that'll cover different relational hardships with your parents your children and many more so we're also going to dive into topics talking about God forgiveness honoring our parents and get ready for it generational curses right so before we get into the content though I have to let you know that our team put together a really helpful listener guide that you can download for free using the link in the show notes it's a summary of our discussion and it'll be helpful for you as you unpack what we discuss and take your own notes as well as a good reference for you if you have conversations with your friends or family now let's dive into today's content okay first question my adult children have a strained relationship and are not on speaking terms how do I navigate this as a mom and this was a question that not just one listener sent in so I think this is a very real Dynamic so Jim Joel who wants to tackle it I'll jump in first on that I've seen this by the hour uh many many times and that is start by recognizing and embracing as the parent your lack of control over your adult children and their sibling relationships because think about it when they were little you're still our little um and relatively speaking there was a lot of control we quite frankly this we're fired that we can control our kids all right you two apologize for each other all like that once they're in that adult world I think and I feel that in my own with my own adult kids at times if there's a conflict my wife and I would look and say hey because I can tend to want to rescue and step in Hey What Can we we all get the it's like no they have to work that out and sort that out I want to old theme for me it's been in this podcast series already many times pay attention to your own internal world what about my kids stop look inside what's going on your own fight flight or freeze are you in judgment well I probably wasn't a good parent I know I was or they're embarrassing me out there or the longing and hurt that our kids are not maybe one or two they're not getting along and turning into that self- condemnation or shame and then just remember blame if you're blaming yourself or someone else is often blamed is often an attempt to discharge pain and the last one I'll say is which is this gets right to the Crux of the matter it's hard it's been hard for me avoid triangulation with your adult children at all what does that mean yeah but this kind I mean if we're over here talking about with one of my adult kids about one of the other ones it's trying to be helpful it's like sure maybe some I'm a human I'm real but often it's going to get into triangulation that watch I'm no longer talking to you and you talking to me we're going out through one of your siblings or their in-laws you know spouse what have you and so I would watch and the one I see the most of is trying angulation just a little bit of well let me talk with you about one of your siblings and the danger of that is that person could say well if you've talked to me about them when you going to talk to them about me and the conduit and it circles back and then your own child whether they are deconstructing and have faith issues or just whatever they can say I feel betrayed by you because you talked behind my back I would just say be alert be warned of these things now let me take the question a little further what if there's a desire on one or both parts to come together but there's been so much animosity and one of your kids comes to you and says I could really use some advice how to handle this is it appropriate to then say well are you open to a thought and then maybe sharing some perspective not choosing sides but rather helping them see something that they may be missing in the dynamic and one thing that I think is could be particularly helpful is if they're open to a thought you can ask them are you open to a thought um let me share with you if I were in this situation there's always the facts of the disagreement but then there's the story underneath it right and so maybe do some investigation about help me understand why you would feel this way and give them some advice of questions that they could ask that could provide for productive conversations I know we even worked on the healthy conversations contract you know and um providing resources or providing some healthy perspectives and some wisdom um may not be bad but I agree with you we don't want to get into the place where we're trying to rescue or we're trying to get into the drama of the event I like that and again you know same song second verse again to say to your adult kids because I've done it I think it's beautiful what you've said and to say let me start with Senator daughter what is this hitting in you what is what is what's going on in you not what do you have to own I am going to move to that eventually and say is there is there any place where you were wrong and I'm looking quite frankly I'm listening and looking for ownership that that person would say um you know I I can take ownership I see that I may have provoked or might have done something I tell them you know we're often down on what we're not up on this we've how many times we use on the podcast as much as it depends on you you know as far as it's in your power all that live at peace with all people and some times it's just like we're just not wired there to necessarily just like the other person but what is what are the buttons If this person's pressing buttons in you and I teach all my clients those buttons are not newly installed they were installed in childhood or family of origin what's it hitting in you and then what do you feel like you're willing to do to be able to have said conversation with that person as Berne Browns taught us you our kids in those positions all of us together we're either going to be an empathy or judgment and empathy with a sibling you're maybe not hanging out with or you're a little bit you know separated from or whatever the idea of empathy is just say I want to try to understand you to seek first to understand you before I'm understood quite frankly what I see a lot of I guess probably mostly is people just aren't willing no there the other person's problem we quoted James 4 on this why are there fightings and quels among you even among siblings there's something you want and you're not getting it something's at War within you so I love to say Can can me can Mom or Dad can we let's go into your heart and soul what's going on for you and then from there I can say well you know what I'm going to avoid there I'm going to avoid trying to avoid that triangulation say we've got a valid point they shouldn't have said that I think that gets dicey this is going to be messy right because I am in the middle I want to be very wise about being a parent of adult children in the middle okay I think there's a um exercise of the ancient rabbis and maybe um help us uh with on this one and one of the ways that Rabbi teaching was done was invitation of learning through questions um notice how many times Jesus doesn't give answers M like the disciples ask him a question he's like hm and he tells a story or he tells a parable or he question it yeah um I think this could be a very powerful way to exercise uh a way to invite your adult children into self-exploration by you first exploring some questions um to discuss and ask instead of of finding the need to give the answer um and then framing the way that they're thinking about their relationships with their other sibling and so just a simple retic practice of ask questions uh open-ended exploratory questions where the aim is for them to explore their own relationship with their siblings and at the end of the day in youed to this gym an invit an an openness and acceptance of our lack of control in this situation you know um and yeah I think that's important I think I've said it before and I'll say it again one of my favorite questions is tell me or help me understand what um you know what you were feeling what you were thinking like help me understand where you're coming from and then tell me more about your feeling you what you're really feeling and then now what is the story you're telling yourself you've said that before but I think sometimes asking the right questions can provide a he the discussion so I love that that t will on the end of it we know this and that is be real clear about to your adult kids lean back content contemplatively and say all right now tell me what you're wanting from me around this and you have a posture of curiosity don't do their work for them because we did a whole series we did a a podcast on divorce and don't take sides we talked about amen but the idea that who could blame your adult child for one of you because as a child you were their their advocate you were the person they could ally with in safety so who could not could blame them for them saying I want you to take sides and don't be surprised by that and say what are you wanting for me I they may not know they may go well I just and maybe they're honest and I want you to agree with me over my sibling you know and B pause about how you respond to that but to ask him what do you want it's that Nehemiah question with the king or exer he said what do you really want here and what would you say if they said I really want you to pick a side and I'm going to say the side I'm for me I know me just as Daddy and granddaddy I'm going to say the side I'm going to pick is the side of Health the side of reconciliation if it's possible the side of listening and saying I get to hold things because there I don't want to say what you said earlier they're quit saying there's two sides to every story but often with siblings there there are two sides and I can hold that I'm want to pick the side of the mental health part of that is that I don't have to take low hanging fruit or the the in the debate I say there is debate like debate on the end of a fishing pole right I don't want to take the baate and say I I need to and the side of saying I need to think about this and I just say to them have you prayed about this and you know what I also am not going to be your counselor sometimes I see a kid just shut down you know over in my office why don't you invest and go take this to a couple of counseling sessions and talk about and by the way said it many times my kids have done intensives not with me obviously I've said please go in and talk anything you want about daddy anything with me anything you want to put where I failed you here car blon just go and do whatever you want to but go there because they're coming to me and like I'm not really the right person to referee or help mediate this in many cases and see if they're like yeah yeah whatever they move on often they're wanting me to do something and do their work in the way that they're not willing to do their own work okay that's really good now we're going to make a hard turn here yeah and I want to make sure we get to this question um and I'm looking at you for specific reason okay but help me understand the part that generational curses play in family Dynamics and how do we go about breaking those yeah that's really good so the context of this comes probably around uh Exodus 34 uh starting in verse 5 and then many other uh passages in the Old Testament that talk about generational curses um you know one of the things I love to do Lisa and Jim is to get into the ancient historical context because the context is the key to help us understand what these words and phrases were actually meaning so let's start there I'll be honest and I don't know if you feel this way but I hear generational curses and two things happen in my mind that seems really big and I don't feel equipped to deal with it talk about it or certainly to be like breaking these things yeah so when the Old Testament is talking about generational curses there's a specific context that it's talking about and it's talking about fathers or families that um have actually uh essentially fallen over to idol worship and so they had one point in time given all their worship to Yahweh to God and they have led their families away from following Yahweh to following the false gods of the Nations and in so doing there is generational and I'm going to give us modern a modern change of our language a little bit that's going to help I think instead of calling it generational curses I would call what we have today generational trauma and the and this is how I would say it is that in the ancient world ancient context for a father or a family to switch their allegiance to Yahweh would actually set into motion the next Generations following that false god so literally the father's iniquity right the father's decision to follow idolatry would literally be passed on to the generations after because the son and the Son and the Son and the Son and the family all of them would be like well Dad did this he led us away from Yahweh and he sent us to worship bail or Mo whatever it might be and so they would follow in that way so you've got generational curses as a language as a broad umbrella phrase to describe the actual traumatic consequences that take place when we act in ways that are Unholy and dishonoring to God so bring it into a modern-day context because I like what you said thinking of it as generation trauma and so bring it to a modern context maybe we're not out there you know bowing down to a false god or a Graven image but what what is it today I'll I'll give you a bunch of them um and then Jim you're going to be tagged into this um we might not be following moak and uh baale and ashtaroth and ishar all these uh false gods um but we are following false gods and we are being tempted by them and today their names are pornography their names are sexual addiction their names are alcoholism their names are opiate abuse I we can go on and on and on we you know um addictions of of all kinds so generational trauma is um you've got a a family member who has given themselves over to alcoholism and that has become legitimately their God and in so doing these children have grown up in an Environ where they have not felt the love of a father because that love that the father should have poured out on these children has been given over to the false god of alcoholism and in so doing it has created a traumatic experience for this child so now this child is going to grow up and have insecurity and anxiety and questions of worth and dignity and identity do I deserve love right do I do I deserve and then fighting to achieve that it is now a consequence of trauma that has passed on because of of mismatched affection of the father or the mother whoever it might be that has a traumatic experience for this child another one is pornography is a massive one um there's so many studies out there of children's first exposure to pornography being through a family member right think of the tragedy of that when the person in your mind is the stal worth of honor and dignity and all this stuff and then you realize you're a porn addict like you you literally view women as objects what is the traumatic impact on this child or this teenager or whoever it might be and and this is what I and this is Jim where I'd have to tag you in I think what happens is you start from a place of righteous anger I cannot believe to then going hm that's interesting MH because your eyes have been exposed to something that you were never intended to be exposed to and definitely never intended to be exposed to by through a vehicle or a means of somebody you trust that's supposed to actually protect you and so now this becomes traumatic but I think it's also looking to a parent for you know a an authority figure in your life and watching how they cope with things yes and so it's like oh you're angry then you're going to drink oh you're bored you're going to drink oh you're sad then you're going to drink and I think it's probably not a conscious choice but through example it's like okay so when I'm angry then that's how I cope with it and those things and it does follow generation after generation after generation until someone decides to break it AB what do you have to say well I'm going to speak to that last thing that you said and I love and you know at our Retreats at Haven place I always say this that trauma abuse addiction sins whatever else pornography it ran in my family line till it ran into me and it stops right here right now and then you got to do the work to make sure that stops uh Romans 5:12 therefore as by one man siner in the world Adam is a death passed upon all men for all of sin so there is an idea that sin is obviously flowing down David in might sended my mother conceive me all of the stuff is Flowing down there are many rivers and tributaries of health issues flowing down mental illness that's different than mental health issues flowing down sometimes skipping a generation addictions why are why does alcohol alcoholism run in our family why are men misogynistic in our family why is there so much verbal emotional abuse you could go on on so stuff there's a good theological word for stuff is Flowing down many rivers and many tributaries to get to where you are today and brother Joel did eloquently reference again we'll talk about Bessel Vander coock Dr Peter Lavine and others in the trauma field that the body keeps the score and there are studies we even have with Jewish people who I have worked with and who are maybe in their mid 20s late 20s 30s 40s who were nowhere near ashit they were not in the Holocaust but it as though because trauma is stored on the cellular level in the body that it looks exactly like they did so all this stuff is Flowing down sins I do believe the idea of curses I don't know you know I don't know but the idea of there this stuff is Flowing so that's why I'm counseling often to stop and say hey very gently let's slow down and look back at your genealogy to all over the Bible let's look at the impact of how let's look at early exposure to pornography and we find out that where I am today there's a bunch of stuff that's float into me how do we damn that up and say it stops here do the work around that so it doesn't necessarily organically flow into the generations after and Lisa you talked about breaking generational in curses and I think it's really important to get to this point that there is both this Supernatural and spiritual reality and Earthly these things are paralleling each other consistently throughout the biblical text in Eden you've got a supernatural Rebellion with the serpent and an Earthly consequence with the human Rebellion it's consistently happening I want to also talk about this in this way and and be very clear on it Jesus on the cross has broken sin and deaths amen death grip on our throats and so generational curses and and all these things that if you have put your your faith in the Risen Messiah that he has conquered those things that he has set you free from them in a sense and then here's what I mean there's a spiritual and there's an Earthly so you and I have the indwelling Holy Spirit and that Holy Spirit and the people of God around us are cheering us on in these areas and there's a real consequence to the impact of sin in our lives that we're still working out so in a spiritual sense we're set free and in an Earthly sense like what Jimmy just said God has given us common Grace mental health alcoholism like AA um if you think about uh different clinical places that you can go to get support medication right these are things that should not be frowned upon by Believers when we view them to the lens of common Grace that God has gifted us with so that we can say oh we have the spiritual and Earthly and the Earthly is actually a gift that God in his sovereignty has given to us to Aid Us in these things and so um I just want to point to the victory of of Jesus on the cross without diminishing the real Fallen reality the theological phrases already but not yet you know like there's this phrase in Ephesians that we're seated right now in the Heavenly places with Jesus there's a spiritual reality that it's I think of it this way you know like when you're a kid and you're getting on a bus and you tell your friend like hey save me a seat like yeah like I know when I get on that bus Jim and Lisa they got my seat saved M I'm like it's almost as if I'm already there right now and I that's the way I see is Jesus is doing for us and so we live in the tension of the already but not yet I think one of the most important things with this whole conversation and there's so much more we could say but we do need to wrap it up um is to say this generational curse or this trauma fell on me but I will not fall to it and so the first thing I believe is so crucial is to acknowledge that this is a reality and to admit my problem with it and from there once you acknowledge it and you admit it that's where you can bring it into the light and in the light you can get counseling you can go to AA you can uh find support groups you can do the Bible study you can go to intensives and you know take it incredibly serious but if you're going to really make sure that it stops with you then you have to do the work around it and that's a big reason why we do therapy and theology because we want to help you work through what you're walking through I know there's more questions and we'll get to those on other episodes but I think for today is a really good and healthy place to land Hi friend thanks for watching this video proverbs 31 Ministries is a nonprofit organization and our mission is to meet you and women like you with scriptural truth and encouragement in the moments you need it most every day we offer free Biblical resources devotions podcasts videos and more all to help women around the world know the truth and live the truth because it changes everything find out more about how you can get involved today by visiting us at proverbs 31.org

Channel: Proverbs 31 Ministries with Lysa TerKeurst

Views: 7,824

Keywords: therapy & theology with lysa terkeurst, Lysa Terkeurst, Proverbs 31 Ministries, therapy and theology proverbs 31, therapy and theology lysa terkeurst, therapy adn theology, p31 ministries, T&T, theology and therapy, joel muddamalle, Therapy and theology families, christian therapy, christian theology, therapy and theology boundaries, therapy and theology divorce, therapy and theology narcissism

Id: V2IGczms67Y

Length: 22min 48sec (1368 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 18 2024