Falling Up Stairs (180) | Congratulations Podcast with Chris D'Elia

[Music] what's up everybody it's episode 180 of [Music] congratulations okay you know dude here we go man and we tried to start this podcast already and we [ __ ] it up and so we had to start it again and we wasted two minutes and it's all good dude do we waste two minutes yeah it's fine did i overreact a yes am i probably going to get into trouble later yes am i probably in trouble now yes because overreacted is all good don't even worry about it you guys that's behind the scenes footage speaks of behind this footage so drunk um is uh you can join my patreon uh it's patreon.comcrystalia and what i have on there now is you can join uh and you get the full extended ep you get the full extended episodes a day early and there you get an extra episode a month and then there's an uh and there's all sorts of like i've been posting stuff all week just extra content on there uh and uh it's been a lot of fun man and there's another tier that's higher there's the second tier where part of it is we have this this group discord chat i don't know what to [ __ ] call it i'm 41. and um we are on there and we uh and i we chat and i've been like chatting with everyone and and like they're like don't hey don't you have stuff to do and i'm just like i'm like oh it's just fun you know and i realize that i'm a [ __ ] big loser so it's all good i just don't have much to do i i the only thing i do all day is i wake up i have my [ __ ] coffee i hang around with the family and then i uh and then i you know i [ __ ] i build my shoulders and my teardrops man i build my toe my shoulders and my uh and my and my teardrops which are my my quadriceps above my knees and i said um and i said a few a few things wrong there what did i say my my toddlers my toddlers did i said tolders and i don't think i forgot do not think i forgot that i [ __ ] said tolders uh so anyway um i'm chilling dude uh so join the patreon patreon.comcrystalia um because we don't have ads anymore uh and and i [ __ ] it but it's up to me i this up this episode is brought to you by [ __ ] cinnamon toast crunch like i give a [ __ ] uh man i there's so much [ __ ] happen that i haven't talked about and and and all that by the way i love chet hanks i love chet hanks that's it that's it that's it i don't want to talk about it anymore i love chad hanks no you know what i am going to talk about it that dude is on another level of of uh performance art the guy when he made up the white boy summer and then people were like dogging him on twitter because of white boy summer here's what i would have done i would have left it alone i would have made the one i would have you know i i love when people come by i love when people come up with terms dude and like coin [ __ ] like so when you put white boys summer i was all in i could have been a [ __ ] asian girl i still would have been all in and um and then but i would i would leave it alone like when people come back and and hit back and start to hate i just want to leave it alone like i said what i said but this dude is on another level he's smarter than all of us the he came in with the [ __ ] response and look what he says wow white boy summer going up it's fantastic hold on let me start it over this guy i love this guy here we go and the sound's not playing white boy summer going up it's fantastic i love to see it thanks for making that a thing uh you know they've been asking thanks for making that a thing is the most subtle diss you know cause he made it a thing wow white boy summer's going up thanks for making that a thing dude he's like [ __ ] you [ __ ] you were making fun of it and now it's a thing thanks for making that a thing just so ill how we laid into it right there gonna be a white boy summer does that make it a black queen summer for you and i said uh do you know me and i said uh do you know me by the way there is no situation where you say do you know me that isn't that doesn't automatically make you the [ __ ] [ __ ] you know for real batman could be here and he would be like i just saved your whole family and you'd be like oh cool and you'd be like yeah and then you'd be like you have a you have a nice house what do you do for a living and you'd be like uh do you know me batman would be like oh anyway i so uh and just zip line out of there like a [ __ ] ugh my bad i don't know maybe you're a doctor or something i noticed that [Applause] i thought i noticed a diploma at an lsu in the other room and maybe you'd do dental but anyway just zipline the [ __ ] out dude i always thought it would be funny if bat batman tried to zipline out with his [ __ ] utility belt and he thought that there was no ceiling but there was a ceiling and then he just [ __ ] broke his neck and died and the batman credits run that's how the justice league the new one the [ __ ] new ones the director's cut justice league yeah what what's the [ __ ] di da [Applause] [Music] do the batman song you could sing for nine years it never stops anyway you're welcome for saving your [ __ ] lives oh no and then just i can't feel my leg and then the house burns with him in it and he dies and everything's [ __ ] and his face is all charred up but his arms and legs are okay because he's in that [ __ ] [ __ ] bat shoot that saves for some reason makes him know like he has a [ __ ] makes him like a tank anyway if you did you know that's all year round ah when he goes dude when chet hanks turns his head and goes that is that's the illest [ __ ] i gotta adopt that that has to be my thing now sorry chet but that's my thing now no i can't do it as i mean the guy the guy has the perfect face for it but yeah he did the white man wait wait what well there's a way funnier white man summer i wish that's what it was hey it's white man you [ __ ] a bunch of middle-aged guys and [ __ ] dockers and that that blue no the blue button-down shirt with the with the pink salmon shorts that everyone wears and goddamn maine and connecticut if you i think i've said this i must have said this before we're doing reruns today babies we're doing reruns um the pink salmon [ __ ] pants that people wear with like penny loafers and the button-down shirt and the braided belts um if you don't have that you live in connecticut you don't really live in connecticut you're you're you're a you are made in a laboratory try to think back when you were six can you no because you don't have a [ __ ] memory of it because you weren't six you were made as a 30 year old or probably a frat guy like a 22 year old anyway let's listen uh yeah if you want to know more about the white boy summer hit the link in my bio and register for actors advantage my acting community i'm dropping where i'll be sharing all the game all the gems on how to get into the game and actually make a living from being a working actor in film and television if that's something you're interested in you know what i mean so uh hop on the right foot and make your next move your best move is you know what's good for you and uh you know everyone have a great saturday peace love and light bye can't believe how amazing that take was i know don't know what's better to think of chet hanks only doing like i'm gonna get this right the first time getting it right the first time or i'm gonna do this till i get it right and he's sitting in his car and did it nine like nine or 12 times i don't know what's better but god damn that's funny man huge ch chet hanks fan um we were watching a little bit of [ __ ] qvc the other night or whatever it was and it was so great i i don't know what it is about qvc that i no i know what it is that i love but like i could just watch all day long like my brother said by the way it's my birthday we were recording this on my birthday i'm 41 years old um and my my brother said for your birthday i got you we're gonna go to a hotel and we're gonna chill in the hotel and we're gonna watch infomercials all night and i was like dude you could have gotten me a heavy gold bar and it wouldn't have been better than that i mean that's just you know [ __ ] a night in a hotel room with my brother watching infomercials dude are you kidding me [ __ ] yeah dude so fun i can't wait to do that [ __ ] and here's why i love watching infomercials because every infomercial the person selling the thing doesn't give a [ __ ] about the thing and it's still happening ah it's been happening for decades and people are too stupid to catch on or give a [ __ ] you think that [ __ ] gives a [ __ ] about the shark vacuum it's a vacuum no it take cleans up more [ __ ] than the shark one this is the shark too so what the [ __ ] was with the shark one then it left some hair [ __ ] y'all for that i don't trust you this is unbelievable here and we've only got you know what we've got i don't know if we have that many left do we i love when they trail off do we have that minute left we had some from the other okay we'll bring them in here yeah okay see these are going just all serious about and they don't give a [ __ ] about it limited edition always it's never just stuff limited edition it always seems like there's one extra syllable in there but it's there's not some reason they do it magically [Laughter] we have got anhyzer bush bottle caps limited edition limited-edited edition we have got we've got three what do we have 30 left they're gone they're gone we found more we've got limited edition anhyzer bush bottle caps it's my favorite so how could you not listen to a guy that you know is lying knows he's lying how could you and still sell sometimes it's the same dude that sold you the other [ __ ] [ __ ] the the [ __ ] projector that made the house look all christmassy or halloween the good thing about this the good thing about this projector is you can use it on any holiday or any day of the year that's my favorite because it's like who the [ __ ] what do you want to project in your house just tuesday in may i get halloween it looks like a ghost is in the window and someone's stabbing someone on your front door or christmas there's like a long red arm with a white glove coming out of your living room what the [ __ ] but you could use it every day i use my and i use mine every day lie everyone knows it ka-ching also there's they're so janky you ever [ __ ] order something from that it shows up it's like bro it's always like you're like this is it it's all plastic that's what you always think this whole thing is plastic i love qvc [ __ ] and we're gonna throw in that's my favorite part we're also gonna throw in some of my hair we will throw in as supplies last some of my hair that's my favorite is you get the whole set you act right now you'll get some of my hair you know what i'm just gonna do it we're gonna give you phil's hair phil come here show him your hair we're gonna cut some of phil's hair we'll send it out to you they don't give a [ __ ] those guys are hookers dude um oh speaking of cereal we were talking about [ __ ] cereal how about the shrimp tails in the cinnamon toast crunch that's what i was [ __ ] talking about jesus christ must've been on my mind there were shrimp tails in it did you guys know this there were shrimp tails found in [ __ ] cinnamon toast crunch hey cinnamon toast crunch [Music] pack up leave leave the facility yeah it's all good you had a great run yeah we had a great run dude you sold candy a cereal for [ __ ] 90 years then you added fish that's it go ahead there couldn't have been a worse well no well syringes no you know what a [ __ ] really small person that's the only thing that could have been worse syringes are a really small guy that came out of the box it's like hey what's up i mean i was in here for like so long i'm so glad you opened it what the [ __ ] are you only wearing a t-shirt yeah they didn't give me pants i [ __ ] hate sin i will never eat cinnamon again and then you just [ __ ] does this does that run away um yeah just shrimp tails were in it that's so disrespectful that not even the whole shrimp was in it just the tail like some [ __ ] factory worker was like [ __ ] it drink it with milk [ __ ] and they came out with the cinnamon on it dude the guy who tweeted it wasn't he [ __ ] tapanga's husband or something from the boy meets world or what was that this thing and uh he was [ __ ] uh yeah topanga canyon's husband and she and and he was like hey yo cinnamon toast crunch he tweeted him and he was like i got shrimp in my [ __ ] cereal and they were like oh is that to happen after the factory you could tell because it's not and he and then he took a closer picture and he was like it's coated in shr in [ __ ] cinnamon it's coated where would it get coated but at your [ __ ] factory but maybe it is their [ __ ] mistake that's the other thing well it doesn't matter it's not like they're gonna go out of business uh yeah so but for a limited time you get cinnamon shrimp and your cinnamon toast it's not toast crunch totally it's shrimp too dude shrimp is in there [ __ ] that's gross ew dude i love shrimp and after that i was like man maybe i won't eat shrimp anymore shrimp's all [ __ ] up dude they're all like this just in the [ __ ] ocean and [ __ ] are they even good for you you think about it like you think about like oh yeah they're good because it's fish but dude shrimp they're bottom feeders dude [ __ ] gross eyes out of there they're snails you know i saw something about a snail earlier what the [ __ ] was it about the snail that i saw i don't know um how do i go back to facetime there we go um yeah man i i uh i taught i talk um i i talk about you know what i realize i do so much is i'm i'm so all in on being a dad right right now like that i've not or i should say now that i have my son and it's all i do all day and think about and talk and talk about and just i watch him i watch my son and he doesn't even know i'm watching and i'm just i catch myself just like staring at him like an [ __ ] while he's like trying to peel stickers off and it's like imagine if like you did that to a 40 year old like i just i i just he's 13 months you know and i just love i love him so much and i'll just stare at him and uh and he's ju and i so i talk about him so much and i know i do that and i know a lot of you like that i don't know if some of you don't like that but i just i'm still so jacked on being a dad that i can't help it i just can't help it i just like i was brushing his teeth today in that where we were brushing his teeth and it's so [ __ ] cute dude because like you just you you put the first of all he wants everything but the to have his teeth brushed like i'll take the toothbrush out and he'll be like what is that and then i'll take out the toothpaste and be like give me that too i want the two things and then i'll [ __ ] and then i'll take out the the and then i'll i'll turn the sink on to do the water on the toothpaste and he'll be like the sinks what is that i'll put my hand in that water i want it's coming down i want to feel that is it translucent i don't understand you can grab it you can't grab that and um and then when i put the thing on the toothbrush i put it in his mouth he's just all like what what's what's going on here and it's like you want all the things just relax let me do the thing and so i put i put the toothpaste i put the toothbrush i go to brush his teeth and and and of course he just like if this is the toothbrush he just goes like this i'm just like nobody and then by the time i take it out all the toothpaste is off and he's just like bubble gum and uh it's a bubble gum flavor by the way which why don't they just keep that it's awesome have you ever had kids toothpaste i was like what is this is it is le i thought i was like is it less minty than it normally is for adults because it's pretty minty you don't want the kid being like is my head going explode and so i i tasted it and i tasted it i was like i tasted bubble gum and i was like great got a tumor gonna die because if you ever think about tasting something and then it's not it's totally not the thing that you thought it was that might i jump to tumor city i'm the mayor tumor city and i'm the mayor hello guys and uh tumor city population one nice to meet you i'll be here a few months and then then i'll be gone so very nice and uh and so i um yeah so so i i put the it's but it is it's bubble gum so hey toothpaste companies that [ __ ] rips keep that why are we brushing our teeth with mint when the kids [ __ ] is the [ __ ] i want to brush my teeth with a [ __ ] bubble gum flavor [ __ ] that is so banging and calvin loves it dude at first he doesn't want to do it but then when he does it he's all he just and i'm like trying to move it and he just moves his head with it and i'm like no you got to go against the [ __ ] but it's really cute dude there's a little ass teeth and then i try to do the top ones you don't give a [ __ ] but dude it was just so cute man i love doing that i love doing that i sent we we took a video sent to my mom and my mom was like wow you sure got a lot of patience and i was like it's so fun what's that say um yeah so i don't know man um he's gonna have a complex though i we love this kid so much i swear to god like we're so involved and i thought in the beginning it was about the pandemic because i thought like oh great i'm gonna have a [ __ ] pandemic baby he's never gonna know anybody until when we get this all figured out and now i realize that oh this is just how it is i would just wanna be like dude i don't wanna go on the [ __ ] road and not be around him for four days and um so he's got so i'm always in his face just like hey hey hey and he's just gonna grow up and be like he's just gonna think [ __ ] in the like when i walk into rooms i've been talking about this with my therapist but i didn't realize this about myself when i walk into rooms i immediately and this is for year decades think everyone in here [ __ ] hates me i got to win them over and i said that to my therapist i didn't think it was a big deal and she was like hold on a second back back up because then i started talking about [ __ ] pants or some [ __ ] like i like to try to like skim the surface a lot of therapy you know it should be like no no go back to when you said the thing about how you think everybody hates you in every room that you ever walk into and i was like but there shouldn't be cargo pants are you sure there's pressing issues and she was like yeah it was about the thing and i was like i just imagine that people are gonna hate me she was like how long have you done that i was just like ever ever since when i was in kindergarten and the [ __ ] teacher grabbed my face when i did something wrong and squeeze it too hard and told my mom about it ten years later and she said if that happened that's not okay and i said but i was wrong right and she was like uh no and so so i was like yeah no every room i walk into and and she was like oh that's sad and i was like now no it's fine i i win him over i went him over with my comedy or i help him out or if they spill a drink i'll clean it you know it's fine she's like no it's sad and i said no it's not sad it's fine it's normal it's you know it's okay she was like well let me ask you a question um why don't you think that they like you and i was like i don't know i don't know maybe i know they're maybe they like know my comedy and they don't like it or something or or maybe they just don't like the way i look or are there i look like an x of theirs and they're just don't like because of that she was like oh what if they what if they like you and i was like yeah and look i don't if we could just get back to cargo pants i just think they have too many pockets and she says look i i calvin your son and i said yeah she was like well you love calvin right and i said well of course i do and she said why and i said he didn't do anything to she said he didn't do anything to earn your love did he and i was like no she was like whoa maybe people just like you because because you think i didn't cry you think i didn't cry on the zoom dude she said maybe they like you just because and after the [ __ ] one-two punch with my son my eyes went [Music] filled up with little pools of water and when those got full they emptied dude out just go boom and i go and i caught him like tom cruise when he's trying to [ __ ] hack the system in mission impossible 94 or whatever it is maybe people just like you because and i [ __ ] cried oh that is so beautiful you know um yeah so kind of makes you think been trying to walk into rooms now and hope for the best but yeah so but joe biden fell uh did you see joe biden fall by the way something oh i was gone for like nine months not doing this podcast there was one moment where i was one because i didn't want to be funny or do anything uh i just was moping around and but there was one moment dude i talked about a while ago if joe biden was president you know he's too old because imagine him hearing a gunshot do you remember do you remember this do you remember this okay and if you know somebody is too old if you hear a gunshot and you first of all an able-bodied regular person i'm ready right but old people when you get too old if you were to hear a gunshot they go hey where is it you're dead dude all over your [ __ ] old head just [ __ ] tommy gun in your [ __ ] you know because that's the gun you think of because it's the old-fashioned gun but but so i was you know imagine the [ __ ] i mean take barack and this isn't the democrat thing i don't give a [ __ ] democrat take barack pal barak he's ready donald trump's old pal donald trump i feel like he's on his way but joe biden pop where's a hooted all up in his neck and face and just and [ __ ] and and [ __ ] so when he got a nog or one or whatever the [ __ ] even though you know even though it's documented he's a hologram and donald trump is still the president even though it's well documented that donald trump is only is it's still donald trump and he's wearing a [ __ ] joe biden skin mask um the balloon popped or something and and joe biden [ __ ] did that he did that the balloon popped and joe biden goes and he was in a line with his family everyone in his family went huh there was a [ __ ] baby that even was like i got this joe biden goes like what did i did i draw my keys he did it and i was like i [ __ ] want to talk about this so much find the clip it's out there um anyway uh anyway yeah but he fell dude he fell here's also how you know he's very old he fell walking up the stairs three times there's much nothing more [ __ ] than falling up the stairs dude because i'll tell you why you fall down the stairs everyone gets it that's where gravity's going so if you don't have footing you're going there too but if you fall up the stairs you're just not really that sure where the stairs are and you only caught the [ __ ] stair with your tippy toes so [ __ ] and then you fall and it makes that noise bump and your shin if you're lucky you don't hit your shin on the step and then you try to grab whatever's there you miss or you or even worse you grab one a little bit and then you you fall the other way because you're holding which is what happened i gotta watch this now dude i have it right here biden falling up how the [ __ ] do you fall up the stairs three times in a row i love the noise of the jet there's one up wow caught himself with the left hand again and and then again wow the second one is or the the second and third one is a double one just figure out where the stairs are and then he turns around and salutes hey dude no the [ __ ] army was like no no no no no no no no no no you fell up the stairs [Laughter] dude if i [ __ ] were to fall up the stairs and people were i would be so angry he is the president i if i would just you can't get angry i would be i would immediate if i if i did that i'd go [ __ ] [ __ ] and i turn around to the news and be like [ __ ] [ __ ] you bbc i fell up the stairs dude whatever i'm president dude [ __ ] off i'm getting in the this is my plane look how big it is and then i i'd go backwards on the stairs dude you fell up the stairs three times in a row that's hard to do that's harder than playing cuphead i tried to play cuphead you know i thought you were playing video games in the cup heads just wait too did i talk about this last yeah on the other cuphead is the hardest game it's beautiful it looks awesome it's got that like 1920s cartoon style [ __ ] and it's so awesome but it's so [ __ ] hard and we were so angry that they put out an up that it was so hard that they put out an update of an easier version and so we got that beat all of it and then realized we couldn't fight the final boss because you got to do it on hard hey dude [ __ ] come on please make it so we can get to the final boss there's one more boss we bonded so well [ __ ] cuphead dude how about when people get so mad that you're not speaking up about issues i saw somebody a comment under one of the [ __ ] this big star's instagram's like why haven't you mentioned the thing about why haven't you talked spoken up about it was something about i don't even know it was like that whole [ __ ] silences violence thing where it's just like nah what silen you can be you can just not know something's going on it doesn't make you part of the [ __ ] kkk people act like they love it that it rhymes silence is violence by the way have you ever seen violence that [ __ ] is never silent you can't what are we ninjas violence is so [ __ ] loud violence is the it was so let's the loudest people get pop pop you see guys get stabbed and [ __ ] no it's [ __ ] violence is violence leading up to violence is silence then you move a little bush just go the other way go around the other way the bush is in the way the push is in the way go around the other way the push is in the way what just get your phone i'm gonna text it to you i'm gonna text it to you the bush is in the [Music] silence silence then we'll do violence oh the bush oh the bush sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry go around him okay there he is okay let's murder him okay but do remember as silent as possible okay get the gun i thought you [ __ ] had it what you have the gun i told you to [ __ ] bring the gun it's in the [ __ ] car we're [ __ ] 12 stories up how the [ __ ] are we gonna go [ __ ] it [ __ ] you know what honestly it's better actually that we don't have the gun you know why because guns make too much noise and the second we pop that gun we're 12 stories up everyone's going to hear it and everyone from the 11th story down they're going to turn on their lights are going to see us running down perfect so instead of that we'll [ __ ] choke him we'll choke him until he expires [ __ ] yeah okay cool here we go you wanna do it or me go get him get his arms [ __ ] [ __ ] hey [ __ ] get him honey get the gun i got it bang bang bang bang bang get her we gotta get him really throw up get him [ __ ] [ __ ] [Music] [Music] we got him [ __ ] go whoop whoop that's [ __ ] violence anyway uh that's my whole point dude so silence can sometimes just be silence or you can just not really know that the stuff's going on anyway uh i'm out of breath how long has that been one hour well you know you guys have been a lot of fun dude uh mostly because you're not talking back and it's just me kind of talking but uh you know just uh remember life [ __ ] rips man uh and also uh you know you got to you can get them more people are asking me can i buy merch yeah dude just go on my website and get [ __ ] life for people it looks [ __ ] awesome when you wear i'm not big into wearing shorts and a long sleeve but man i'll tell you what that life rips hoodie with the [ __ ] shorts the life ripped shorts looks dope as [ __ ] i gotta go against my sh my i don't do it but i see other people do it i'm like i gotta start doing that um because i repost them on my instagram a little bit and then also uh the [ __ ] uh that we got beach towels that say life rips man life's gonna rip at the beach bathing suits it's awesome dude hey guys so that was the episode of congratulations but it extends you can catch the rest of the episode over on my patreon which is patreon.comcrystalia that also gets you access to uh an extra episode a month among other things go check it out you can sign up right now and uh and listen to the rest of the episode uh if not thanks and if you do thanks you

Channel: Chris D'Elia

Views: 404,230

Rating: 4.8399906 out of 5

Keywords: Congratulations, Chris D'Elia, podcast, comedy, delia, chris delia, chris delia congratulations, chris delia podcast, congratulations chris delia, congratulations podcast, congratulations podcast chris delia, congratulations podcast chris, congratulations chris, man on fire, chris delia rant, chris delia reaction, comedy video, chet hanks, chet hanks white boy summer, chris delia chet hanks, infomercials, joe biden stairs, joe biden vs stairs, chris delia infomercials

Id: 3hWDgfA_AlM

Length: 42min 21sec (2541 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 02 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/Leafs3489]

Silence is violence bit was hilarious

[u/kbpoetry]

I cried while chris cried talking about his therapy sesh

[u/[deleted]]

[removed]

[u/Blaze0003]

Chris is the goat at this podcasting thing. Dude literally LOL SHIT

[u/EmShaf]

S'happy

[u/DARTHBADES]

Is this the continuation of his podcast after he took a break?

[u/tooslowforyou2]

That ending. Holy shit! Tears. Had my dyyying

[u/PenalAffliction]

Did he say he's on Discord, like his own server? Or is he talking about one he has with friends. Curious if there's a Log Cabin Discord...