- Am I going to be an accomplice
if I read this out loud? That's crazy. No! I cannot go to jail. Woo! That's what I'm talking about. I'm working out here. Never! That... Mac. Welcome to another
peaceful video where I try to stop YouTube from
fully demonetizing me. Oh, shit. Butterflies. Ooh. Kitties. Oh. Yoga. Children
frolicking in the meadow. (gasps) What's that over there? Barney? Oh, my God! We love Barney here, right? Look at Barney. Look at Barney go. Look at Barney turn. Ooh, yay! Yummy. (gasps) What's that over there? The Teletubbies sun? Oh, my God! Teletubby baby sun? Yes, look at it go! Ooh! What gender is it? Look at it wiggle. Look at it turn. Yas! And then one more video of kitties. (cats meow)
Ooh! Okay, now back to the madness. Girls, y'all crazy. So I got this idea from Court Weezy. First of all, she does this
thing where she ask her fans to send her secrets and confessions, and after seeing that, I
decided, "Huh. That's cool. That's exciting. Let me try it." And now I instantly regret it, okay? So I sent out a little Google
form literally last night. By the time I'm recording this, it's been about like eight-ish hours. So I sent out a Google form,
asking people to anonymously send me their secrets and confessions. Thinking I was just gonna
get like a couple hundred, maybe 200, 300 the most, sift threw them, have a fun time. Kiki, laugh, giggle a little bit. 1,580 responses. Well, 1,579, 'cause one
of 'em was just someone calling me the N word and I deleted it. (pop up face laughs)
You guys sent me full out short stories. Who did you murder? Am I going to be an accomplice
if I read this out loud? I'm going to use a random number generator and we're going to use those numbers to look up a certain
entry in this entry pile. 424 M. Oh, we have a story! Okay, girly, two paragraphs! "In high school I got sent to a psych ward and when I got out, I went
on a date with a friend because he wasn't a dick about me being in a ward and had
always had a crush on me." Did the high school send
you to the psych ward or were your... You're already missing some context. I'm gonna guess it's the parents, 'cause for some reason in my mind, the first thing I thought of was like a principal literally
pulled you out and said, "Get your mentally ill ass in this corner right now (laughs)." Okay, went to a psych ward,
came outta psych ward, went on a date. "Turns out he should
have been in a psych ward because after one horrible
date he was in love with me. Then he went around school
saying we were soulmates and we'll get married
after school finished." Ooh! Why are we talking about me like that? I'm joking (laughs). "After I rejected him, he
went back around school saying that I was easy and desperate and he was just trying to smash." Okay, that sounds like a man. That's a very man thing. I know a couple of men that
have done that in my past, in my life, and I look at them being like, "What is wrong with you?" That's such a high school boy thing to do. Such a high school boy thing to do. "Instantly our friend group flipped on him because I was the only
one who ever liked him. Then he tried to fight our
friend who was twice his size. Truly deserved the
psych ward more than me. I just wanted to KMS
he was actually crazy." Ooh. Glad you're still here,
girly. Glad you're still here. "Let me explain that the date was so bad, when my mom picked me up, I
immediately told her I'd never go out with him again, let
alone be his friend again." Tea! "We got into an argument because she thought I was just nervous because it was my first date, and in a fit of rage I told
her it wasn't my first date because I'm bisexual and dated my old best friend years before. Driving down a highway in
the middle of an argument was not how I expected to come out." Oh, girl. Oh! Not a juicy
coming out story. Okay! Here you go. Be who you are! She said, "Mama, you think
I'm new to this rodeo?" Mama, you think I haven't
been sliding, girl? You think your baby got no game? Well, let me tell you something different. I eat the box on occasion
and I eat it well. Thank you, mother. Oh, mama. He tryna call me a loser. Well, guess what? She been flicking beans
since she was 14 (laughs). Let me stop. (TV static crackles)
1,543. Hi, Mary. Ooh, another story. "My grandfather was a pedo." Oh. (no audio) Where am I? We're not about to just
dive into pedophilia. It's a pedophilia girl! Pedophilia, pedophilia,
pedophilia, pedophilia. "Touched his kids and some neighbor kids when they were growing up." So touched your parents? Girl, where is this going? Am I about to be triggered? "Like it was in the paper when it came out in the
seventies apparently. I only found out as a teen when my mom had a whole ass breakdown
in front of my grandma 'cause my grandma had allowed my sister to have a sleepover at her friend's house when only the dad would be home, and I guess it triggered her bad." Hold on. Hold on. Wait. Hold on. What? "Grandma had allowed my sister to have a sleepover at my friend's house when only her dad..." Okay, I thought she was talking about when the grandpa was... Okay. It was a different man, but
I get that. I get it though. Once one man treats you
bad, you think it's all men. I feel it. "So as I'm finding all this out, my grandma decides to
try to do damage control about her fave grandkid hearing she had something bad happen to her kid. Not that she allowed it to happen or anything, from when I learned. My grandma kicked his ass out and called the police the minute her kids told her what was happening, but apparently my great grandma and several of my grandma's
sisters were mad at her for not standing by her husband." Ew! Ew! Old school bullshit. No. Stand by your man. We got... No, girl. If my man is touching kids,
my man is on the street. I don't give a shit. If my man is touching kids, he was never my man. Let's erase that, okay? Erase that from my history. If we had kids together,
those kids never had a daddy. I don't give a shit. I birthed
that from the air (laughs). Y'all were conceived by Jesus. Okay? Y'all need to know
anything better. Excuse me. Daddy touched you where? Hmm. Okay, well that's the last time daddy's gonna ever be able to
touch anything, okay? I'm going to remove the fingers, the nose, and the eyes, bitch. He's just gonna have to
walk around and wonder. "But I guess it makes sense
since my grandma's brother was also a pedo." Jesus Christ. I mean,
why are we surprised? Why are we surprised? Wasn't it like back in the
olden days it was like okay for like a 27-year-old man to
swoop up a 14-year-old girl? Isn't that what Elvis did (laughs)? "But, God, does my mom need therapy." Yeah, I agree. 1,243. I like how we're keeping
it in the forties, girl. Squeaky0963. Girl, is that your username? Did you just give me your username? (laughs) "When I was 13, getting
back from a doctor's visit involving numerous painful
shots, my mom felt bad for me, so she gave me some of
her pain medication." Oh no. Are you now an opioid
addict? What happened? "And offered me my first driving lesson on the street behind our house." Oh no! Oh no! Not on opioids (laughs)! Isn't like that the one rule
on certain pain medications? Like you can't get behind the
wheel of like heavy machinery? What happened? "So here I am, barely a
teenager high on Percocet!" (host squeals)
♪ Percocet, mommy's Percocets ♪ ♪ Percocets, mommy's Percocets ♪
(host squeals) ♪ Percocets ♪
(host squeals) "High on Percocet, driving
for the first time, and what do I do? I drive into a ditch in
front of someone's house, who also happens to be a
former detective turned PI." (host squeals)
♪ Mad stoned ♪ ♪ Fucking mad stoned ♪
(host squeals) Girl, what (laughs)? Sounds like a sitcom
episode. Where we going? "I was never caught, but
I wouldn't drive again until I got my learner's permit." Felt. I haven't driven in almost 10 years. Can you tell? Hi, Mango! "I am a Therian and no one knows but you." A what? Do I dare Google what that means? (host laughs)
(pop up face laughs) Therian. Therian is
short for therianthrope. It means a person who
identifies integrally as a non-human being, such
as a wolf, polar bear, or even earthworm. (host squeals)
♪ Percocets, mommy's Percocets ♪ Okay. Live your dreams. Live. Live your, your dreams (laughs)? If you wanna be a worm
girl, go ahead, be a worm. Would you love me If I was a worm and you said, "Ben, what
do you identify as?" Is it a worm? Can it be
a worm? Please be a worm. Please be a worm. Identify as a worm. I've heard about wolves and stuff, people identify as wolves all the time. I've seen that around, okay? I go out to the gay bar, but worm, girl, a worm, that's new. That's special. Be a worm. When you're filling out forms and they say put down your
race and gender in and stuff, do you check other, do
you write down worm? Please? When you're applying for a passport and they say male,
female, X, do you check X and underneath that do you put down worm? Please? Tepperoni Pits. A vibe. "When I was in high school, my ex spread a rumor I cheated on him, so I sent all the NSFW pics
he sent me to his parents." (no audio) How do I get out of here? Girl, that's, girl, that's illegal in so many different ways. In some states that's
considered revenge porn. Two, distribution of child pornography, unless y'all were both 18 or some shit when the pictures were taken, but no, no, girl. Girl! Girl! Even if it was the parents, you sent... Girl, that's crazy! I mean like I guess it's their parents, so it's not that terrible,
but still at the same time, (laughs) what the fuck? Hornboy sent out rumors telling everyone that you cheated on him
and in response you said, "Hey Mr. and Mrs. Smith, have
you seen your son's dick yet?" I cannot be an accomplice in this crime. I cannot go to jail. (TV status crackles)
Iwantdick. Don't we all? "I have over 100 plus
saved windows slash links of gay porn videos because
I hate finding them again and never be able to watch it again because I don't know where
the hell the video came from, and also I like BBC and Filipino dick. (no audio) So the nickname makes sense now, right? (laughs) Oh, so you say you like BBC. Well, I am proud to announce
that I am a solid average size. (laughs) She thick
though. She thick though. She knows that. She's told that a lot. (pop up face laughs)
(TV static crackles) I, 19, female, have a sorta
situationship type of thing going on with my best
friend of like nine years." Oh no. Not a situationship
with your best friend, girl? What is this, a Disney movie? Oh wait, y'all both 19-year-old females. Nevermind, not Disney. What is this, a Netflix Gen Z drama? "We aren't exclusive but
we definitely hang out in a verging on romantic,
and sometimes more, sense, so I personally class
it as a FWB situation." Oh, y'all flicking the beans? Y'all petting the wet? What's happening? Y'all licking the pudding cup? Okay. "She has feelings for me and
tells me somewhat frequently she wants to date seriously, but I was always more
focused on just having fun with someone I could trust." Felt. And that's when you just
healthily communicate that with each other and then figure
out the next steps, right? "At the same time, however,
I am so deeply crushing on her brother who is younger
than her by about a year and I managed to hang out with him at..." Whoa! Whoa! Aren't you
trying to fuck a family unit? What's happening here? - Let's go.
(mid-tempo instrumental music) (jail bars slam)
- "I manage to hang out with him very often under
the guise of being a lesbian, so he doesn't think I
have feelings for him." (host screams) How dare you (laughs)? You said, "Oh, men? I don't date that." (gentle instrumental music) "Oh, me? Don't worry, I'm just a lesbian. I'd never get horny if you
undressed in front of me." (sexy instrumental music) (laughs) "Every time I go
over to hang out with her, I always end up in his room
hanging out with him instead." Girl. "And I find our platonic
time together more enjoyable than I do with his sister." Girl! (laughs) Girl, this is so
messy. What (laughs) are doing? (mid-tempo instrumental music)
(prison bars slam) "Hey, girl. Yeah, we can hang out. Oh, no. I dropped my pencil in
your brother's room." (laughs) "Let me go get
it real quick. Oh, no. I have this very important phone call to take in your brother's room. BRB (imitates laugh). Oh! Oh, no! I just twisted my ankle. I should probably go rest
it in your brother's room." Like how are you ending
up in the brother's room when you go to initially
hang out with the sister? Like how is the sister okay with that? "I don't think he knows I'm
actually bi and not a lesbian, but assumes I am one because
his sister is a lesbian and he knows we are friends. I should also mention he doesn't know about anything more
romantic than a friendship happening between me and his sister, but it's been like this
for about seven months." Girl. "And I kinda wanna see how
long I can keep this going. Having the best of both worlds." Oh, my God. "But what's a bi to do?" Not try to fuck a family unit,
that's what a bi could do! Is this what people mean
when they say bisexual panic? Is this the situation? Bisexual panic is when you wanna fuck both the brother and the sister? No! You can't. I do not approve. I don't approve of this
situation. I'm not involved in it. I don't know anything about
it. They didn't tell me shit. (TV static crackles)
HufflepuffChica. All right. I shoulda done
this a long ass time ago. I'm sipping. "I let the intrusive
thoughts win this time." Oh no. Where are we going? "I took revenge in like
the grossest way possible. So here's the tea. This one girl, who
claimed to be my friend, mentally and physically
abused me for ages." Wow. "Really destroyed my mental
health and self confidence. When I tried to get away
or stand up for myself, she always tried to guilt trip me and make me feel like I relied
on her until I came back." Ew. "I couldn't tell anyone
because then I'd be getting mad over a joke." I was so fed up with her BS, so I thought, 'if she wants
to talk all this shit, she can eat it too.'" (no audio) Girl, no.
(prison bars slam) Girl! No! Where are we going, girl? What's happening? "I love baking, so coming up
with the recipe was easy." Holy shit. "They would be chocolate
cupcakes with a surprise." (prison bars slam)
Woo! "So when I walked my dog!" Mm, mm, mm. "So when the cupcakes were
made, I decided to put them on her desk in secret, so she didn't know where they came from. From the back of the class,
I watched her eat two! While it felt gross to watch
that happen, she deserved it. She still doesn't know that
she ate caca-late cupcakes." (prison doors slam repeatedly)
- Go. - I'm gonna repeat myself one more time. I refuse to be seen as an accomplice in any of these crimes, okay? I refuse to go to jail for anybody else! That, that! It's honestly cut, okay? Let's be honest, I could never. I'd simply just stab them. I'm joking. (pop up face laughs)
- Little doggy doo-doo. Doggy doo-doo in the cupcake. She put the doggy doo-doo in the cupcake and she ate it. She said, "Num num, gimme another." (no audio) Oh, my God! "Girl, I've been to jail before
and the way I rock the white and orange striped jumpsuit
had me feeling myself. I wasn't even mad." (no audio) Are you gonna tell me why you
went to jail? I mean, damn! "I know where a bunch of
people in America live, which probably isn't all that bad." "But I'm not American.
I'm from New Zealand. I'm not a creep. I swear to God." Do you, girl, do you know where I live? It's easier than it
should be to find a lot of people's addresses,
specifically in America, if you know how to search right. We don't have laws to
protect our data that well. I don't fucking know what it is. It is easier to search an
address for an American than like any other person. Which is crazy. Insane. Would probably be leading
to a lot more problems if people actually knew how
to search for that shit, okay? Like thank God, a lot of
people don't, but I do. It was my party trick for a bit, girl. (TV static crackles)
Jaws. "When I was a toddler, I had to be put in my own separate playpen
whenever my asthma was bad because I'd bite the other kids"? (mid-tempo instrumental music) - Go.
- Girl, what? As an asthmatic child, never in my life have I gotten to the point where, "Huh, my chest feels funny. Huh, it's kind of hard to breathe. You know what I should do? Bite people." (no audio) What? I mean, I guess when you're a toddler, like it's really hard for you to like express when
something's wrong with you, so I guess biting people
was a way to do so (laughs). (TV static crackles)
Boots. Mama Boots. House down. Hunting. Okay. (Star Spangled Banner music)
♪ Be who you are ♪ "I was 18 at a house party and fresh on some antidepressants." Oh. This feels like this is
about to go somewhere very dark. "I didn't read the warning
labels on antidepressants because why the fuck would I?" You're not supposed to
drink on antidepressants. Isn't that like a big thing? Like if you drink on antidepressants, doesn't like amplify the
drunkness or some shit? "And I was drinking a lot that night because why the fuck not?" Mm-hm. "The girl whose house we're at has this cute tabby cat called Milo." Where we going? "And he was chilling on my lap as I drank. Friend gives me a shot of vodka. I take it, not knowing that
the antidepressant I'm on makes one drink feel like three. The second I take this shot,
my friend go outside to smoke and the second they leave,
I immediately throw up all over myself and barely
miss the poor cat on my lap." Oh, no! "I was wearing a thick jumper and just spread the sick into my jumper and go outside to smoke
so I don't seem weird." Ew (laughs)! "Every time I go out
drinking in this jumper, I throw up on myself. Hope you're having a good day." Oh, my God! You call it a jumper, so now I
know you're British (laughs). So now I know you're from the UK, love. Your jumper. Jumper. "I threw up all over my jumper (laughs). Just spread the sick all over my jumper." Okay girl, jump away. I have
never thrown up on myself. I've never gotten to
the point of being drunk where I'm throwing up uncontrollably on like other things and people. There's been times where
I've like thrown up and like barely missed the toilet, but I've never like thrown up on myself. I've also never been on antidepressants and never been drinking
on antidepressants, so, girl, I don't know. Should I try 'em? "I lied to my friends about
dating this made up guy for two years. It was so much work and it
started off from one lie." Girl, when I tell you I
was in the same exact boat at one point (laughs). (host's laughing continues) There was a period my like
freshman, sophomore year where I lied to my friends about dating a guy back in middle school. I didn't date a single man
back in middle school, girl. I wasn't outta the closet yet. Like I lied about the fact
that I was like in like a situation with like a
guy that was in the closet from like back in my middle school days, just because I didn't want
them to think I was a virgin or some shit. I don't even know why I did it. "I found some random guy online
to show them pictures of." We been in the same boat, girl. We both just lying about men. Look at us. Look at us.
Look at us being terrible. (pop up face laughs)
Bat. "So in September of last
year, I went to homecoming with my ex best friend." Okay, ex best friend. Whoa. "It was super fun, but we like we're not together
for most of the night. I found some other friends and
one of them I had never met, let's call him Red. In order for us not to get lost, me and all my friends were holding hands, but because we brought alcohol and one of my friends
drank more than the others, she ran off and our other
friend went off to find her, so it was me and Red, and I was bored, so I asked Red if he wanted to kiss." Okay, you were bored so you just decided to make out with a stranger. Uh, what? People do that. People do that. I don't, because I tried
to do that one time, and I ended up getting strep throat and I was like, "Girl, I can't be a slut. This is too much work." "So basically for the rest of the night we were dancing and making
out and we decided to date." Oh, just like that? Honestly, that sounds very high school. That sounds very high school. "It only lasted like six days though because Red is a pussy." Pussy Red. Okay, bitch. "After we broke up, my friend texted me and told me that Red was
lying about ever liking me in the first place and
would talk shit about me." Six days? Men are weird.
High school men are weird. What we're learning from
these confessionals, high school men are weird, so send their dick pics
to their parents (laughs). You break up with high school men, they're gonna try to tell everyone else some other bullshit to keep
up their, I don't know, egos, I guess. Why does a high school man need to have an ego in high school? I don't fucking know. High schoolers. Listen to me. I'ma be your
friend for this moment. Those four years you're clinging on to, doing some bullshit with, do
not matter in your adulthood! You're caring about what
all these other people think in this high school shit
for these four years. Understandable. I get it. That's your world, but do
not, do not make decisions based off of high school bullshit that's going to affect you
for the rest of your life, AKA breading child pornography, because I'll tell you this
right now, five plus years after graduating, walking
across that stage, you will talk to exactly probably 2% of
people from your class, maybe even less, at that point. I talk to like maybe three, two people, (laughs) but, girl, it ain't deep. Once you're like long
gone from high school, you then start to realize
how it's just not deep. It really sucks and becomes
really heartbreaking to see people get so
involved in that world to the point that they
start making decisions that fuck up the rest of their life. Just don't do that. It ain't that deep. It ain't that serious.
You'll get through it. Once you graduate,
you'll be somewhere else. Trust me. "Needless to say we all dropped that hoe. It's been months and I'm now
in a healthy relationship with my partner and I've
never been happier." Good job! "Also, Red was so bad at kissing and while we were making out, he was literally eating my chin (laughs)." I can't do it. If you're a
bad kisser, stop touching me. Like if we start making out and I can't get into it,
I'm gonna just leave. You know what I mean? That's
just, that's how I am. Like if you can't make this pussy wet off of a peck, I'm moving on. (TV static crackles)
Probably end it with this one. We'll see if it's juicy
enough. We'll end it here. If it's not, we're reading another one. Myles. Hey! "In eighth grade, my boyfriend
was really interested in the civil war and whenever
I asked, he wouldn't tell me. He would spend every
single period of the day in a library in the black history and civil war section. Come to find out, after
I broke up with him in our junior year, he would
secretly 'free the slaves', if you catch my drift, into
every book with Rosa Parks in it because he was sexually attracted to..." (no audio) (no audio) Girl, not free the slaves.
Not free the slaves, girl. Girl, not free the slaves. We're not calling it that.
We are not calling it that. We're never, never gonna call it that! (prison bars slam)
Not free the slaves. Not free the slaves, girl (laughs). Not the, where's my vodka? "When I confronted him about it, he told me he was interested
in strong ebony women and he pretended to be gay solely so he could get close to my sister. Since then, I haven't dated. I'm graduating college this year." Understandable. I would never date again if that was the situation I ran into. He said he likes himself a
beautiful black goddess, okay? Ain't nothing wrong with that (laughs). They said, "back of the bus". She said, "no". He said, "I'm gonna
cum". Beautiful. Poetry. Martin Luther King said, "I had a dream." He said, "Gimme a second. Let
me load up this pocket pussy." Okay? You see a man with a fetish. I see a man ready to fight when
the time is needed (laughs). Before Ebony goddesses wins the war, he'll be the first one
in the trenches, okay? That's a hero (laughs).
Baby, stop (laughs). She said, "Wade in the water." He said, "Ooh baby, I'm so close." Just don't show him the color purple now. His dick might get blisters, okay? He sees one second of
Beyonce's "Homecoming", son, he got friction
burns all over his body. I don't know how that happened. By the time he sits
through all the precious, his dick's just pushing out dust. Okay, girl! Okay, king (laughs)! (screen buzzes) - Go.
(prison bars slam) - So what did we learn today, kids? Freeing the slaves. That
is what we learned today. Now I understand why people
have been doing this on YouTube, 'cause this is fun. Hearing y'all's bullshit
is a great time (laughs). Also, I am taking a trip to Italy. There are nine spots left.
People wanna sign up for it. It is expensive, so I have not been pushing
it like crazy, okay? I am aware of the economy
that we're in right now, unlike some people who try to make an entire streaming
platform off of their videos of them just hanging out
and talking about ghosts. I don't know what they
do over there, girl. Woo! Ah! Free the slaves. Free the slaves.
