(microphone distorting drowns out speaker) (microphone distorting drowns out speaker) (microphone distorting drowns out speaker) (microphone distorting drowns out speaker) - Mac. Hey, gays. Hey! It's your leader (laughs). Today, we're talking to the gay boys. It's the gay boys today. The video for gay boys. Hey, hey, gay boys. Hey, you **** fat. Okay, we're still in the
beginning parts of this video. I can't say that out loud. You know, I was sitting here thinking, "We've never defined ourselves, right? We've never given ourselves full rules." You know, we don't have a
Bill of Right. That's it. Where is our Bill of Rights? The gays need a Bill of Rights. We need a Bill of Gay Rights. (no audio) Yeah! Yeah! I'm saying we need a Bill of Gay Rights and today we're going
to do that, dead ass, and you know how we're gonna do it? Based on the rules that these
straights have been giving us throughout the entire year. Like for example, the
beautiful Cee Cee wrote, "For a neighbor to be at
the gym at 10 in the morning playing basketball is mad gay. I don't give a fu!" (no audio) Now, did you know that? I didn't know. I wasn't there for that meeting but I'm glad Cee Cee
caught me up on the notes. So, today, gays, I'm
going to do my homework and we are going to scour the internet and figure out what the straights have been telling us to
do, and you know what? We're gonna draft our own
Bill of Rights for it, okay? And today we're gonna make
a list of rules for the gay, based off (no audio) of what the straights are
saying on the internet. I think that's gonna come out very great. We're gonna learn a lot of things and we're gonna help ourselves
to an immense amount. Hi! So I decided in the wee hours of crackdom, the wee hours of crack o'clock, it is currently three
o'clock in the morning, so, in the wee hours of crack
o'clock, I decided I am going to just Photoshop an
entirely new Bill of Rights. This isn't it. This isn't
it. This is the old one. I don't know if you can tell. This is the old Bill of Rights, right? Right, girl? Bill of Rights,
right? Bill of Rights. Am I right? Right. Am I
right? Bill of Rights. Okay. It's giving outdated. Dusty.
It's giving desperate. It's like, "Ooh, we wanna
be a country!" Okay? We've already been there, done that. Turn it out and the results
are still pending, bitch, but now this one, this one, this one, is the new Gay Bill of Rights. Boom. (no audio) (no audio) A bam. You're welcome. It's
giving new. It's giving fresh. It's giving something else to look at. You know what I mean?
Boom. Bill of Rights. Ew, Bill of Rights? Like who the fuck are you talking to? Bill as in Cosby? No thank you. You know? It's broken.
It's robbed. It's filth. They can't even spell congress right. Like what the fuck is an F? Last time I checked that
makes a ff sound, okay? And that ain't in congress. Bam. It's giving rights 'cause
it's giving rights. Exactly. Like if you see this, tell,
you'll be like, "Ah, base." You know? Nothing but facts. "Congress of the United States begun and held at the city of
New York on Wednesday, the 4th of March, 1789." Like I'm already asleep.
Like I'm already passed out. I've been dreaming for two
hours. Your boyfriend says hi. You know what I mean? But then mine, "Conyas of
the haus begun and held at the function every third Wednesday at Motherlode in WeHo." Woke. Right. Knowing the girl. Like every third Wednesday at Motherlode? Girl, that's a show. You know for a fact, there's
gonna be a white girl in the bathroom throwing up. Okay? That's just culture. And there's some like
boring shit in the beginning that I used to swear, I used
to swear I thought I knew the beginning of, and be like. ♪ We the People, in Order to
form a more perfect Union ♪ But then I remembered
that's the Constitution and not the Bill of Rights, and then I thought to myself,
"You know, all those people that always say like, 'maybe
there should be a test we should take before we can vote', maybe they're talking about me." Maybe they're trying
to stop me from voting and maybe they're correct. Anybody with an internet connection and two brain cells can come
up with the best advice. Like did you know that _1xshaina said, "Neighbors with group
chats is faggots, period"? I didn't know that! Every man I've seen in a group chat, thank you for telling me. You know, thank you for being so brave. "This man texted me,
'Weekly reminder, I love you and it's your world,
I'm just living in it.' It's gay shit like that
that makes me wanna cheat." Know it was gay to leave compliments? Guys, I had no, no clue. I think it's 'cause,
you know, I've been gay my entire life basically. I just felt like everyone
was doing everything but apparently, you know, straight men can't compliment people,
be in group chats, play a sport at 10 o'clock in the morning, or even wear glasses according to Purp. "I don't want my man to wear glasses. I feel that's a lil gay." Okay, and it is. You know
what, Purp, we believe you. It really is, Purp. So honestly is. Like look at me right now. I look like I be sucking some cock. Sucking some dick and cock.
- Dick and cock. - At someone's birthday dinner.
- Birthday dinner. - You know what I mean? "If you can't afford flying
first class with a girl, then don't go on holiday with her." Okay. "Flying economy with
your girl is gay." Mm. (no audio) "We both know once she passes
next to the first class aisle, she's going to be eyeballing
any male she finds wishing she was with him. Get back to work." (no audio) (lips smack) So are gay people broke?
Where are we going with this? Should gay men not be flying first class or should gay men not be flying
first class with their girl? So thou shall pay an
unprecedented amount of money for free champagne and a
slightly extra leg room because you like women. Congrats. Sorry, straight people. Y'all gotta spend a lot
of money, apparently. Gay people, we're allowed
to be cheap. Update. They apparently had a
meeting sometime in the past and they said, "You know,
we can save a buck". Honestly, this might be
an amendment. Hold on. - [Narrator 1] "Every rainbow citizen shall reserve the right to be a cheap-ass with
your selected counterpart and occupy activities of that bracket." - Sorry, straight men, you
cannot do cheap activities and straight women, you
cannot let your straight men do cheap activities with you either, okay? The doctor said so, and there's one person
you should surely believe about the truths of
society and masculinity than a self-proclaimed doctor on Twitter who is probably trying to
sell you some weird fake get-rich-quick scheme. (no audio) Am I lying? Am I lying? "Any group of men who go out to eat and chooses a table outside are gay. Fuck is y'all, 'Sex and the City'?" Honestly? Honestly, every single
time I go and eat outside, I feel like I'm on an
episode of "Gossip Girl". So that's also because
I was watching a lot of "Gossip Girl" growing up. "As a man, why are you so
happy to become a father?" Is it gay to have children? Is it? I did not know. I don't
know when we updated that. You know, honestly, thank
you. We can take that. We'll take 'em. No,
actually I don't want them. Put these kids away from me. Hey, fathers, you look at
your child and you're happy about their existence? I have some news for you. You gay as fuck. "Is it gay for a man to own a cat?" I don't know. You tell me. "It's definitely suspect". Oh, there we go. We're being told. "No man in his right
frame of mind owns a cat. Definitely something zesty
or perverted going on." With a cat? "Something zesty
or perverted going on". (no audio) With a cat? So we're saying if a grown man owns a cat, we think they're eating ass. I believe it. I believe it. Honestly, straight men
don't own cats, right? Straight men own dogs. That's what it is. Straight men are for the woof woof. The woof woof are the straight men. The gay boys get the meow meow. Gay boys are meow meow,
straight men, woof woof. That's what I think is
going on in their mind. Like if you straight, woof
woof. If you gay, meow meow. Basically as that. "Lowkey hate it when
single men have dogs." Okay, nevermind. Nevermind. "You should only have a dog as a man if you have a live-in female partner." Okay. (no audio) So now straight men can't
have woof woof or meow meow unless there's puss puss in the room. No puss puss. No pet
pet. Puss puss. Pet pet. No woof woof, no meow meow 'til puss puss. Puss puss in room, pet pet can come. No puss puss, pet pet no no. Gays can have bark bark, meow meow, even without pussy. Gay gay, meow meow,
bark bark, no puss puss. Straight straight, puss
puss, meow, no bark. No puss puss, no meow
meow, bark bark, okay? Lemme write this down. - [Narrator 2] "No pet shall
be housed under the roof of a single heterosexual male
with no female counterpart. That is reserved for homosexuals only." Try to own a cat, that's gay. Try to own a dog, RFH will hate you. Okay? You can't win in this one. (mouth laughs)
Ooh, we have a story. "Is it gay for a man to tell
another man good morning?" What? (no audio) I'm guessing yes. "I am a 23-year-old man. My dad and I were out at a laundromat and as we were leaving,
another man walks in, I make eye contact with him
and I say, 'good morning'. He replied, 'yes fellas all right?'" Okay. "When we walked
out, my father tells me, 'don't ever say good morning
to a man around your age. Guys would think you're a little sweet.'" (no audio) Girl, is this the wild west? "Next time say, 'what's
up?' Or 'what's going on?' To a woman, it's fine, but not a man. When you're out on the
street, don't say that." Are y'all okay? What's happening? I say good morning to everybody,
but I am also a homosexual. Just, just wanna make that clear, and I know saying good
morning to a straight man, made them think I'm trying
to suck their asshole out, but honestly, maybe I am. I don't know. Maybe I'm one of those
people that are like addicted to straight men, you know? On that James Charles shit. "I don't understand this at all. When is it ever gay or wrong for a man to say good morning to another man?" I don't know. But you know who
does know? Richard Hanania. "It's definitely gay to say good morning to another man of the same age. We subtly learn a thousand different rules surrounding status, age, and sex. This is one of them." (no audio) Good to know. - [Narrator 1] "Alphabet
Mafia shall reserve the right to bear sweetness amongst
other males of the man genre by wishing them good
mornings and passages." - Nobody was telling me shit, you know? Nobody told me these rules, but also, you know, I've
been out flapping my wrists and slurring my Ts since I
was like 14 years old, so... "If you a man and you like
receiving head, you're suspect! There, I said it. Getting it is cool, yes, but,
ladies, listen to me well, if that neighbor requests
or require head, he gay!" Sorry, boys. No, I didn't say it. Your leader, Whoopi Goldberg
did (mimics fart noise). If you like that wet wet,
you are suspected (laughs). "There's a trend, and I
think I've only seen it in the last five to six years, of grown men crying when
they see their bride walking down the aisle. I have to say it is extremely gay." What? What? "Men shouldn't cry at
such, it should be reserved for extreme moments of pain, e.g. death." (mimics crying) But that one 110% has to be a joke. I think most of 'em are jokes, but this one, this one's a
nail in the fucking head, but being emotional when
getting married, correction, specifically crying when seeing your bride walking down the aisle,
straight man can't do it, gay man, it's ours. Megha declared it for
us, so grab your bride, drag 'em onto the marriage
court and cry away. Marriage court? - [Narrator 2] "Facial
precipitation whilst watching your future spouse of
the opposite sex approach the shared position of vow exchange is only reserved for the limp wrists." - Okay, sorry to say it.
Someone had to say it. The court has been adjourned and this has been decided, okay? If you have a problem
with it, report to Megha. "I'm definitely not gay, but
I really want this done to me. It looks really relaxing. Guess I have to go to India or some place like that soon." (no audio) A massage? (mimics fart noise) - [Narrator 1] "The practice
of cooperative vibration and physical relaxation of
the muscles outside of India or someplace like that
is strictly reserved for charliexcx's main demographic." - If your back hurts, just deal with it. You know what I mean? You got a cramp, just walk it off, okay? Go chug some charcoal and gruel. Yeah, sir, you can't do it, bro. It's too gay and not American for a man to get a massage, okay? He's definitely not gay
but he really wants it so maybe he's a little bicurious, okay? We're not gonna judge.
We're not gonna judge here. "Some dude just called me a
pussy for putting on sunscreen. Imagine thinking you're
tougher than the sun? The fucking sun." I believe it. There are men out there, they
won't even wash their ass. Anything coming anywhere
near their asshole is a little bit suspect. There are men out there
who won't even bend down and wash their legs properly in the shower 'cause they think bending
over naked is suspect. "I think it's gay for a
man to blow his food." Okay, if I'm going to suck off my chicken, then I'm going to fucking
suck off my chicken (laughs). "Banging the wife chronically
makes a man feminine?" Where are we going? "Penis has sensitive mucosa
membranes along glands. Vagina, pussy, produces
and secretes estrogen. Putting your penis in this
heavily estronifa", what? "Heavily estrogenified
environment makes it absorb estrogen into your bloodstream at the most vulnerable part of the body. Testosterone production blocked." Okay, doll. Do you hear this,
doll? Doll, do you hear this? Doll, I got a solution for you. I got a proposition how
you can save a buck, okay? So, that shit can be expensive, girly. Fuckin' estrogen shot, girl.
Fuckin' healthcare plan, girl. Call up your nearest, closest, this female ally, beep beep boop boop on her cell phone, right? And be like, "Hey, girly,
you stand for trans rights? (laughs) Then get your puss puss over here and lemme me stroke it for a bit. You know? Lemme stroke it for a bit. Hey, girl, you know I couldn't
pay my rent last week, so let me play in that puss." (no audio) (no audio) I'm writing this down. - [Narrator 2] The dolls
may exercise the right of chronic sexual
penetration of their wives for the supply of a desired
estrogeniofied environment." - 'Cause the one thing
we're going to believe is science explained to us by
a man named DecadesDragons. Okay? And I believe it, okay? Why do you think I'm this
girly pop all the time? 'Cause I'm just diving in the pussy. "I feel like as a boy, why is
your phone on do not disturb? Definitely giving sassy." - Okay.
- "The sassy population solely hold the option of
silencing notifications and messages on our chosen
devices of communication. God bless Nevaeeh Parker." - God bless her. That's
an interesting fact. That's an interesting fact. So, straight men, you are constantly needing to be disturbed. You have to be disturbed 24 seven. Honestly, disturbed straight man 24 seven. I'm down with that. I'm
down with that. I'm down. I'm radical enough. Let's.
- "Is it gay for a man to pack a lunch for work?" (no audio) - [Narrator 2] The action of
supplying and pre-packaging one's victuals ahead of daily activities is reserved for the ones that pack fudge." - Oh, you thought you can
save a buck at your job? No, honey, you're going to Panda Express like the rest of us, or
the rest of y'all actually. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm feeding myself with
PB and J (stammers). "If a man put lotion on
his ass cheek, is he gay?" No, he's just a well lotioned
man, I think, honestly. So straight men are just like not allowed to touch their butt. Is that what I'm hearing right now? Is that what I'm learning? So straight men are just supposed
to have some like wrinkly, saggy, unwashed, sun
spotted the hell up asses and we're all just supposed
to be like okay with that? That's what we enjoy, women? That's what we enjoy? "Eating pussy too submissive
for me. It feel gay." So is the girl just supposed
to like just exist in your life for no pleasure? So is a woman just supposed
to get the pleasure for being next to a man? That's like all they need in their life? What's happening here?
It's gay to eat pussy now. Come on, gay boys. We get that too now. Here we go! Here we go!
We get it all, bitch! - [Narrator 1] "A male
self-identified as homosexual is free to consume as much vaginal body and fluids as desired." - Gays are the only ones to
eat pussy. You're welcome. (laughs) You're welcome. Why d'you think all these straight girls roam around WeHo like that? What else are they
there for? A safe space? More like a wet space (laughs). "Ain't no real man about to sit around and eat a feminine ass food like hummus." What? Hummus is feminine now? It's too fruity fruit fruit to eat hummus? The existence of hummus has been around since like before Jesus, and honestly, when you eat it, you can taste that shit, okay? You can taste (laughs)
the godlessness (laughs). Wait, we're not done, 'cause apparently "A grown
man craving crab legs is gay. I do not care." Also, crab legs. No seafood for you. No seafood, no hummus, and no iced coffee. "Neighbor be drinking iced coffee like dey one of da hoes or sumn. LOL." Just don't eat. Straight
men, just don't eat. Period. Okay? Just starve. Starve, bitch. - [Child Narrator] "Eating
is like hella gay." - And at the bottom of
the other Bill of Rights, it's like signed by
like, you know, Congress and like the person that
was like head of Congress or something at the time,
whatever, yada, yada, yada. Bored. Dusty. So we got an all-star
team here with us today and I sat here thinking to myself, "Well, what is the
number one thing we need at the bottom of this Bill of Rights? A John Hancock." Turns out, did not sign
the Bill of Rights. Just recently figured that out tonight. Once again, I vote. So I thought, "Who is the John Hancock? Who would be the person
that would sign their name very largely on the bottom of a document, trying to take most of the credit, but only did like small
portion of the work?" So I picked RuPaul.
That's RuPaul's signature. RuPaul's the John Hancock
of gay Congress, okay? I'm gonna say it, RuPaul
will literally walk out, accept an award and just
say "love yourself", and everyone will stand
up and clap, being like, "Oh yes. Oh, my gosh, why
didn't I think of that?" I also put Lady Gaga because, yeah. Betty White. That one's gonna be like
a head turner, you know? Betty White? Oh. Oh, okay.
You know what I mean? If I get Betty White signing
it, I gotta take it seriously. You know, everyone love Betty White. Lana Del Rey because... Leonardo DiCaprio, mainly because theory, I believe Leonard
DiCaprio does not eat pussy, okay? Can't seem to hold a
woman after the age of 25. Sadly, we like live in like
a sexually repressed world, specifically sexually represses women and makes them not realize
they can like orgasm or know they can like be sexually pleased in their own right, and around the age of 25
and 26, like around the time where you kind of like
start to become more certain in your desires, and then maybe they'll decide, "Hmm, maybe I do want a man
that eats me out occasionally." You know what I mean? "Maybe I do want a man that
like touches me." You know? So Leo would like scurry
along, sign this document, making cunnilingus illegal for straights. So you can't blame him,
you gotta blame the law. You know what I mean? You also might notice that
my signature is not there, mainly because RuPaul,
RuPaul is the black gay that other gays will actually listen to. You know what I mean? 'Cause if another black gay, or black woman, God
forbid, made their voices and opinions known, it will
most likely be attacked by alpha males and OnlyFan
twinks with smartphones. You know what I mean? So to please that demographic, we got Zac Efron's signature. That will really grab them. That will really captivate them. Reneigh, which is Beyonce's disco horse, and I also put Will Smith all
the way in the bottom corner because he really needs it. Really needs this. No, he's trying. He needs people to give
him a chance again, so he's just like, "Hey, gays. ♪ In West Philadelphia,
born and raised (laughs)" ♪ I am hilarious. (screen jitters)
- What? - Thank you guys so much for watching. "Y'all be dating men who ask the waiter for water with lemon, then
be surprised that he gay." (laughs) You got 'em on that one. You got 'em. You got 'em on that, 'cause I love me some
water with lemon, girl. Comment down below. What amendment should be
added to this Bill of Right? Gimme something stupid.
Something you heard in the past. Honestly, having the right
to drink water with lemon, that should be reserved for the gays. I might add that in there later, but anyways, I'm gonna go. Bye! (host whines)
