Expanding Masculinity: Moving Beyond Boys Will Be Boys | Blake Spence | TEDxYYC

you I would like to share with you what I have learned from the fourteen-year-old boys I work with they have taught me that there is great value when men are vulnerable in front of other men and why that should matter to all of us I'd like you all to think back to when you were 14 close your eyes if you like and really bring yourself back to that age what were you like who did you look up to what were you curious about what was your favorite song or band who was your best friend did you ever feel pressure to act a certain way because of your gender when I was 14 it was a nineties know my mushroom cut my Chandler being inspired shirt and my yin-yang necklace this is peak nineties fashion right here I was obsessed with collecting pods making mixtapes my favorite band was the cranberries when I was 14 my best friend was a great listener she kept all my secrets and never told anyone about it my best friend was also my dog when I was 14 I had a rough time because I was gay and I knew it I also knew that being gay was one of the worst things a guy could be I knew this because every time I heard or saw a guy being mocked or bullied he was either called gay or a girl so gay or feminine was the worst thing a guy could be so I tried everything I could to avoid being labeled those things in grade seven I joined band and I decided to learn the flute not to great starts I soon realized being one of two flute players in the whole school this was not an instrument guys played I quickly switched the saxophone leaving the flute for the girls and the one boy that seemed to love it I played sports I played hockey soccer baseball track secretly I wanted to explore dance figure skating but I knew those activities would ly be would be labeled gay or girly I stayed clear of other boys as they made me feel anxious I knew about an unwritten code that boys and men were supposed to follow I knew that hanging out with other guys would mean having to play the part - something I wasn't to be one of the guys be masculine this is a performance that I felt bound to fail because it wasn't me and I worried that my lack of masculinity would lead to ridicule about my orientation because it often did there was one particular memory from that time that is stuck with me and will forever there was a young man in the same class as me who was constantly made fun of for being effeminate he got called all the names that I did but received it a lot more frequently than me and I distinctly remember distancing myself from him and disliking him because he had many of the same qualities that I learned to hate in myself he was the other boy that played the flute unlike me he continued playing it regardless of the names he was called and I watched him get harassed and bullied every day for not being masculine enough and instead of reaching out I kept my distance felt thankful that the harassment wasn't happening to me one Friday morning walking into school there was a cold hush that washed over everyone I saw people crying and secrets whispered into ears when I arrived in class our teacher looked out at our 14-year old faces and had the grim responsibility of informing us that her classmate had taken his own life the news gripped me like an icy hand around my neck I didn't know why he chose what he did but I did know that how he was treated must have impacted him as it had me this experience changed me I became aware that I wasn't the only guy to experience these pressures pressure to live up to this masculine ideal or rejecting all that's considered feminine in ourselves I speak to the male experience because it's been my lived experience but gender expectations happen to everyone and human lives are at stake now that I work with young men I'm reminded that being male still comes with this pressure to maintain masculinity by fitting into what many refer to as the man box that is be tough be in control keep your emotions in check and stay away from any behavior deemed feminine this is limiting it leaves little room for vulnerability and individuality it became clear to me that boys needed a place to talk about these pressures a place free of judgment a place to be vulnerable I work with an incredible team of people who have dedicated a lot of time and energy to unpacking what all this means it's been hard but we've come up with something idea was to create a safe space a safe space for boys to talk about how it feels to be a man each week my colleagues and I spend the majority of our times hanging out with fourteen-year-old boys at their schools in a program that we created it's called wiseguys a lot of the time spent hanging out with the guys and having them tell us stories about video games or fart stories or the big sporting event they have coming up but more importantly talked into those conversations are two generations of men hanging out and having many real conversations about how it feels to be a man in today's society and discussing the powers or the privileges and social powers that come along with that as facilitators it is our chance to create the space that we never had to give the boys a safe place to talk about anything from relationships sex porn anything without fear of judgment the space we've created is safe and it's different we make it safe by having a set of Rights that we revisit it at the beginning of each session everyone has the right to participate to pass to privacy to respect and to fun we explained that these rules expand beyond wiseguys to include the many real relationships we have in our lives we continue to make it safe by encouraging the voice to be vulnerable because vulnerability is what makes spaces safe anecdotally this idea is great however we've been doing research that shows that our intuition was right and we're actually seeing changes in the five years we've been working on the wiseguys program we've been evaluating our progress we've had many focus groups with the boys and the number one thing that comes out of those focus groups is that boys need a space just for them to hang out and talk about feelings we distributed surveys before and then again after the program and what we saw at the end of the program was a significant increase in knowledge around sexual health challenging homophobia sexism in stereotypical notions of masculinity in the space we've created we've seen the boys connect with on each other make new friends and express comfort with who they are the boys have taught us that creating a safe space is really quite simple and we've broken it down into four pillars I asked a few of the boys that I work with to write down their thoughts about these pillars and I'll let them share with you what they came up with the first is belonging being a part of wiseguys kind of felt like I was a part of a community it kind of brought us together like I was friends with some of the people there but not all and as the week's went by we all got closer and being in wise guys made me feel accepted like I could speak my mind in fact it was so much of a community that by the third week we stopped playing video games and just talked the first thing we can do to become a safe person and make a safe space has established a sense of belonging each time we meet with the guys we have a check-in everyone gets a chance to talk about what they've been up to and what they're interested in we show interest by asking questions we listen to them this demonstrates equality builds trust and friendships the next pillar is consciousness it's a question of acceptance it's like the pro impart is how specifically homosexuality is attributed to something lesser like when something is bad you say oh that's so gay and if people in wiseguys somehow they just found a way around that stuff you would hear other people saying it and then you would catch it you don't just catch it but you're like hey that's not right becoming aware and conscious was a huge part of my learning I had to learn and then unlearn common phrases that were potentially harmful to other people the next pillar is empathy I always kind of knew when I'd see the loser or the stoner I know that they have a heart they're human I've been taught to accept them but I only really kind of understood it once I was in wise guys I could see like yeah you're just meaning a different skin we're all guys we all think alike we have a lot in common empathy is a motivation behind all of this once we can imagine another person's experience we can then figure out what we can do that can make a huge difference to someone else empathy is putting ourself in another person's shoes being curious about one another and when we do that it fuels connection the last pillar is safety itself wiseguys was this new thing for us none of us knew how it'd be like over the year we got pretty close it was this place we could all take our questions about dudes and we learn that there other guys out there that were going through this similar thing if we can't if we don't feel safe we can't be our authentic self feeling safe means stepping outside of the man box feeling comfortable to be who you are and having other people accept you if we try our best not to judge others it allows other people to feel safe in our presence when we feel safe we relax we open up it's for great friendships and relationships start we ask a lot of the boys we work with we ask them to show up every week we ask them to let their guards down we ask them to step outside of the man box and that can be scary but when we do it it has such an impact and I don't think vulnerability is something that can simply be taught I think vulnerability is something has to be modeled so I decided to come out to the boys for the first time and I was super nervous because I didn't know how it would go and I didn't know if they would treat me differently so I prepared a speech and I sat them down and I was like boys it's really important when when we were vulnerable with each other because it helps us reshape our idea of what's masculine and they are there 14 rolled boys none of them were listening to me at all so I just stood up and said so yeah I'm gay and then the room went silent and they all just stared at me for like 20 seconds and then finally one of the boys said seriously yeah I said I'm not straight and then they just stared at me again and then they clapped it was awesome it was an awesome moment it felt really great to be real with them and to share with them my truth and to let go of this anxiety that I've been carrying with me my whole life and the next day I got a message from one of the boys thanking me for my honesty and wanted to let me know that he also wasn't straight and then it felt really good to know someone like him this is this is tough work I don't do it alone I couldn't I work with an amazing team of guys that has helped me bring this to reality I'd like to invite them to the stage right now to help me finish this off this is Stafford Tristan and Ian the better ah it's awesome so what if you can't be in wiseguys what if you're not 14 anymore which tends to happen these four pillars that we rely on in wiseguys can apply to all of us if we allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable in the way you've seen from play tonight if we allow ourselves to become aware of the language we use in the space that we take up it can make the world of difference for those around us Blake has had that influence on me on on all of us and it feels like this is the beginning of a growing movement yeah and now we want the space that we created wise guys to be commonplace so I often think about safe spaces as this thing that you carry with you we all have our imaginary personal space bubble that we take around with us and when we interact with new people but I think we have a safe space bubble too and so our actions and our language and our words that tells other people of we're a safe bubble to bump into or not yeah together we have the capacity to reimagine the paradigm of masculinity is something more inclusive richer and something that celebrates difference rather than stamping it out it starts with individuals it starts with us we have the responsibility to embrace that vulnerability within ourselves rather than retreating back into the box and if we embrace that vulnerability we can inspire others to do the same it took a terrible tragedy for me to realize that something needed to change and I don't want to hear about tragedies like that anymore Getty is simple boys deserve more than boys will be boys I dream of a day where men and women and people of all different genders and orient east orientations feel safe to be themselves we dream of a day when the word masculinity becomes the plural masculine at ease and men and boys feel supported to be the men they want to be thanks so much you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 35,641

Rating: 4.6547842 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Canada, Life, Behavior, Change, Choice, Communication, Community, Connection, Cooperation, Culture, Education, Education reform, Empathy, Gender, Human Rights, Identity, Leadership, Men, Mental health, Personal growth, Public health, Relationships, Sex, Social Change, Society, Students, Tolerance, Women

Id: Xe0Nh5tn6s8

Length: 14min 26sec (866 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 18 2015