Everything Wrong With Fast Five In 18 Minutes Or Less

previously on fast and furious I said it before in the last Fast and Furious and I'll say it again it's amazing how many highway crimes have absolutely zero other traffic on the roads it's a perfect day for a prison break and if I saw three souped-up cars blasting down the road while I was transporting prisoners I'm probably ready my shotgun maybe even stop the bus and put the odds over in my favor even though brands hitting the brakes this bus impact should still have blown that car off the road instead the bus flips the car sticks and Brian lives clearly Brian's plan for springing Dom includes killing Dom never mind any of the non main character prisoners that died in this horrific crash has been accounted for except for one Dominic Toretto accounted for did anyone die this is the most remarkable bus crash ever this news broadcast montage never once mentions fatalities which is what the news lives for with Laredo and O'Conner are now is anyone's guess with the terrible copping we saw in the last film couldn't they be in LA having beers at the Toretto home without law enforcement knowing about it Rio porn yep this pit is back how's it feel feels great wait a minute what the are you talking about be on the other side of a wanted poster well you can't really be on any other side of a wanted poster can you you can pick any side and you'll still be on a wanted poster there's no good side this is me I'm putting the baby to bed scene couldn't possibly be foreshadowing her own pregnancy could it le sabe Oh ma'am I cannot believe it it looks like you both could use the payday sure they're poor so naturally the only possible action to take is Grand Theft Auto I guess it's a good thing these DEA agents and anyone else on this train who are Americans are super unobservant what with Brian and Mia's faces plastered everywhere after the prison break this stupid heist would never work the chances of anyone seeing your crew alongside the train are much too high there are many passengers facing the back side of the Train looking out windows and would easily see you these guys fall on their faces to avoid being killed by the dangerous sheet of death they ripped off the train but in the next shot they're standing tall looking like conquering heroes as if half the crew didn't almost die from their own stupidity LaVonda forty wouldn't the plan be pre-arranged because he says this and isn't careful enough to think Dom speaks Portuguese Dom gets suspicious and the whole plan blows up in their faces for no reason and the method of car theft virtually guarantees massive damage to all three vehicles even though the movie doesn't think so this car obviously has something in it that these guys want but why didn't they call some sort of criminal dibs on it before this round or even started they could have said look you can have any on that train to the gt40 is off-limits church records wave Markel they got to Rio yesterday and had no idea until you stepped on this train car you were even coming what prearranged meeting point could you possibly have under this scenario I didn't me at least pretend to be going the right way until the dickheads on the train we're out of sight ah Dom throws this guy to the floor rather than outside making this fight to the death harder for himself this movie wants to have everything both ways windows don't matter until they do you movie yeah catch up to the gt40 which has a huge head start in this clunky ass vehicle thing comes out of nowhere to impair all the stuff car cops here to protect the train don't have an access card to the train doors this guy picks up a crowbar but he hits down in the back instead of launching it into his head or neck and causing major damage maybe this weird vehicle has a blowtorch on it maybe but for this guy getting kicked and driving the vehicle to be able to reach back and turn on the blowtorch to use as a weapon ya know why haven't you thrown him off the train yet Bryan survives this also wow that is a lot of dead people for our heroes to steal a few cars am i right this train is this clean close to the bridge when Brian tells Dom about it but somehow this will take more than one minute of movie time to actually get there car stunts that aren't possible or one thing humans living through like this over and over that's simple how are there any bad guys waiting for them anywhere near this water even if the dude back on the train radioed it in how are their readily available assholes on standby under the train bridge alright I'm going to leave you in an easily escapable situation with my worst henchmen on guard I'll see you later in the movie walmart cuffs random guy with gun decides the guns don't have long-range capabilities and points it as close as possible to Dom's hit it's easy to look badass when these bad guys are idiots where's Vince that's a good question did Vince even know there was a change in plans he was the first dude off the train and it was only when Dom realized that the other dudes one of the gt40 that had changed the plan something I was tired but I'm sure to be interrupted before I can say it that was your job the problem with this movie is that we don't know what the original plan was it was supposed to do one or if the plan got changed before they got on the train they never explained five hundred years ago Portuguese and the Spanish came here this business deal will require the history of Brazil in order to move forward almost were shot in the Caesar why did the bad guys bother with his huge operation to steal cars if all they wanted was a chip they could have hired a pickpocket and an auto mechanic to board the train and find the chip and pulled this job off with way less problems I thought the job was for the cars this whole movie is predicated on the fact that Dom overheard Zizi say he wanted the gt40 and got suspicious because of the suspicion it leads to a chain of events that didn't need to happen why did Don care if they stole that particular car or not why does he care if it has a chip in it was he worried that once the bad guys took the gt40 they were gonna get screwed over or even killed we don't know nothing is implied or explicitly stated well I want a list of every place within 50 miles bus crash prisoner escape train accident Marshall barking out orders this movie is the fugitive the ground rolls into a hardpack and we lost that track too no necessarily that road heads up through the hills into the favelas it's old dirt a mile from where you were okay but don't tracks become really hard to find after a day or so because of people driving over the dirt and walking over it real porn to fast furious fellows you I didn't see one damn dirt road on their way up here lots of cobbled streets and concrete and whatever you want to call it but certainly not something so easy to find tracks that they went straight to the hideout 100 million plus in cash houses how it keeps it off the grid wait what he's trying to keep the location of cash houses off the grid and has commissioned a custom computer chip and software interface that is then plugged into regular devices that puts it on the grid just use ink and paper it does not get any more off the grid than that once again assholes don't bother finding the other potential exits and guarding them before going in for an attack all right how did he miss two full minutes of discount Bourne Ultimatum this is the third time someone's pulled a gun on Dom this close to him DSS guys shoot everyone except one of the main bad guys let's go by the way I'm pregnant now forget it Brian and Mia survived this Dom did not lose this freaking necklace last time we saw him it was perfectly fine around his neck and no danger of slipping off just like that well maybe I did just jump off of a roof into another roof a minute ago but last time I checked pregnant all these guys are is names on a list that come up we take them down not a phone call more not a bullet less whatever that means I know you mean we don't ask any further questions but that's just silly anything else yeah we tracked the owner off the vehicle ID which we should have already known considering they were in the DDA's possession just a day ago this is the I don't know about my dad sudden character backstory is sudden and cliche and considering the pending baby super-convenient its sudden being in cliche into one last job we're gonna take all of raises money here's the Fast and Furious franchise officially turning the keys over to Ocean's eleven we're gonna take all of raises money every dime of it and disappear why not just disappear wouldn't it be easier and safer I guess you might need money to start a new life somewhere but Jesus if you're that addicted to stealing I think I'm gonna have to start considering you the bad guys of this series oh I see you're going to take the three or four weeks to debate on the right guys then contact them then wait for them to get to Rio and then take down the crime boss you have no real beef with whatsoever Oh Tyreese dragged this movie into this didn't eat also how are you gonna coordinate and communicate with all these people while the rock is actively seeking you out and what none of your former associates are being bugged or followed or anything that's his legs baby girl what time do they open Jesus even we wouldn't say some like this but movie gets away with it because I have no idea also this is a convergence of all the franchises now we have 2 fast 2 furious and Tokyo Drift thrown into this mess eventually they'll all be joined by the Expendables because we got a job instead of escaping Rio we've decided to target the biggest crime boss in the city and steal his money we think that's justifiable because one time we tried to steal a car that he wanted to steal and he chained us up for a bit before we escaped don't ask any questions just listen this is what constitutes security at this place guy owns the whole city and he can afford security cameras on the outside of the building to make sure something like this doesn't happen meanwhile he has for on the naked counting chicks in vagi donut Gaza deliver random reyes soldier plays the pronoun game with Reyes so that he has to ask who the hell they are a little by sus casas there's no reason to simply up the security or have more guy earning it nope just put it all in one place why not he's moving into a police station he's got some serious brass in his pocket kind of makes you wonder why he bothers with ten different secret money houses if he can just openly stash his cash in the police station this just went from Mission Impossible to Mission and freakish sanity yeah are in that paycheck tyrese enhancer zoom and enhance cliche the faces are covert run it through fr-s facial recognition software but you just said their faces were covered the beauty of public offices public records even in Brazil it took the u.s. until the Freedom of Information Act for motion to become public and even then I'm not sure police station blueprints count says Caucasian ice a tan no it's Han Jesus Christ so of course the box that Tyrese brings in goes right in the room with a safe because whenever you make a stupid plan with one percent chance of it working it works if you had a camera robot in this box then why even go to the trouble of trying so hard or at all to get them to let you into the evidence room physically was it just to create some kind of relief also these cops on the take from billionaire crime lord don't have cameras in the evidence room that contains his vault of billions in order to see this RC car movie depicts exactly what it's like watching these movies okama let's go get some cars okay but just as a reminder this is all just for revenge you're doing all this to steal from a dude that with you one time over a car that you were in the act of stealing thinest premise ever yes let's collectively enjoy the hot asses of girls who aren't my sister that you knocked up what on the street is a lot of people looking for you too and yet but you didn't think we've recognized you after the last movie no actually we assumed bran was unrecognizable to the street racing world since they let him back in undercover after he put over everyone in the first film but whatever just get to the race already clausal called you want to come and get it if the feds ID'd his car from a traffic cam how's Tom able to drive it anywhere in the city without being found aren't they searching for it via satellite every 15 minutes where'd you get that from Papa smart okay Tyrese We Need to Talk I'm beginning to wonder if you even deserve to keep earning paychecks please call me the highly wanted DOM and Brian being tracked by the entire Rio police force and the DSS can not only find a space where no one can find them it's also big enough to simulate the police station they're about to rob know what while the feds are actively hunting you with satellites you can have a ginormous safe delivered to some warehouse without anyone anywhere getting suspicious there's still another problem palm scan which I somehow didn't know to despite my zoomed in RC car camera view of the thing more real porn fast v gangbang hobbs specifically told his crew he wanted them to follow Reyes to the point of knowing how much he shakes it when he goes to the bathroom nobody from the DEA here today ah not only did you stop for a change of clothes you also made sure to choose fingerprint friendly material nice Saudis is like slap that ass or did he like grab and hold on to it I know you're kidding but no it was like he was actually trying to help you rob him with the way he touched her ass guys guys guys we have a problem the whole team just got burnt you mean just now that's convenient since we saw all of you getting investigated 17 minutes ago in movie time which is like an eternity in real time this did not just happen despite the movie wishing it did problems right we need to get some fresher you people did not speak this vaguely you just wanted the audience to wonder what he meant we've got a hit 7 charge of the how did this thing not work properly the night of the street race earlier you turn around and put your hands behind your back oh thanks so seems like he could have waited this out and got DOM and Brian later when there weren't so many people around but that's just me this is brah zu something that Hobbs local agent Alena should have been able to tell him but seeing how Hobbs talks to her she probably thinks she's a 1950s housewife at this point yes I don't know if you realize it but this is the moment when the stars of the pacifier and tooth fairy finally squared off the only reason this necklace bolt is in the movie is so that Dom could have another I miss Letty scene with a woman who misses her husband and they really shot for the moon on their helicopter shot budget for this movie didn't they anyway we're gonna beat the cameras is with invisible cars and I know just where to get them if it's so easy to steal cop cars why didn't they do this in the first place meanwhile security at a souped up cop car Mecca is extremely lacks they probably fed the dog steaks slip the guard sleeping pills in their coffee and found a way for security cameras to not exist next to light these idiots are actually going to drag race stolen police cars in Rio right now also isn't this a pretty stupid race aren't on four of these cars identical should this end in a four-way tie welcome to a world with zero rules ladies and gentlemen my brain has officially ended itself watching the scene I mean does Rio have a strict nobody out past 9 p.m. curfew or something here's me unwanted by Brazilian and US forces openly shopping in the public market because screw you we'll do what we want it's pretty hard they tracked yo I see Mia is being followed by the drug lord soldiers not the cops and by Vince conveniently placed his guy waiting for me at the market and that's all they were doing just sitting there waiting until Vince showed up to save me I don't know why they haven't started tracking you two kids yet but enough of that events Dom agrees to let Vince take part in the heist which is fine a nice family moment but doesn't that mean the entire plan has to be reworked to include him or at least he needs to spend all night studying to learn his role family is one thing but this is sort of careless if you ask me we're less than 24 hours from the biggest celebration of our life movie that is over two hours long has time for a lone premature celebration scene hey Wei Wei hold on a sec so did he just smack the ass or did he grab uh-huh that's an inside joke that we don't know the context for but hilarious nonetheless took me a while to find that tracking chip which had little or no bearing on the story also this doesn't explain how they all of a sudden know where the hideout is despite the fact that they should have found it way earlier in this movie super important cop mission goes out the window for mono e mono fisticuffs how the did they know the DSS people were going to drive through here also does this movie know that it just stole a page from clear and present danger a movie where the villain was played by the exact same actor who plays the villain in this movie look at many poor people in this poor part of Rio having satellite television and how much does it cost therefore American only DISH Network this ambush rescue seems to have a high likelihood of killing the people being rescued movies long string of uncon secuence --is continues but I'm sorry I fell asleep therefore what's going on then we would somehow all this guy's men died in the shootout but he lived which is probably only because he already had lines in the movie or something Vince got shot and the movie actually expects me to feel bad about it hideout eulogy meanwhile all the other good guys are halfway through the police station heist right I mean how much time has passed since they tore out of here suicide mission that's a man over there on the table yeah but the original plan didn't even include him right amen you saved my life so the law no longer matters and in fact I'm going to break that law with you Jen just go sneaking around anymore you weren't even sneaking around at all you were brazenly shopping in street markets and participating in street races well it's a good thing that all of these police officers are bad guys and none of them are actually just innocent men protecting the police station because this might seem rash all that nonsense about hairpin turns and fast cars avoiding video cameras and the movie is going to ultimately have them steal the entire safe through tow cable brute force because if you're still watching you certainly don't care why wasn't the original plan to get an armored vehicle and do this a couple of fast muscle cars can just pull how much was it ludicrous 10 tons of top-of-the-line security out of a wall can't we agree at this point that this is where the cars would flip over from you know all the physics I'd complain about the terrible aim but I'm more concerned about the zillion tonne safe being dragged by two american-made cars well the plans working you guys have every corrupt cop in Rio on your tail how do you know that all of them are corrupt some of these guys I'm wrong might just be doing their job DOM and Brian very likely killed lots of people and caused millions of dollars of property damage because they're trying to get back at a guy who just wanted a computer chip from a car seized by the DEA I'm still trying to figure out if this plot is even real they're now pulling a safe that is crashing through a storm I wish this safe were magnetized so we could watch with hyeri as they pull all the cars and boats planes jewelry and basically all that from spider-man - now Dom's car is pulling the same and the other car by itself because there's a great disturbance in the force not the star wars force mind you the force described by Isaac Newton is disturbed Brian laughs because he doesn't yet realize how many innocent people he's killed during the scene anytime this cadre of police officers chasing Brian and Dom on a shoot for the tires is okay with me why are they still firing guns anyway when that's been proven and effective in this movie Weiss is the righteous tracer please please get another check to mr. Gibson Wow that's like murder how has no one in this movie said the word Hemi yet it was always the plan take care I was it always the planet when the original plan before the rock came on board did not involve you dragging the safe out of town like this also hero sacrifices himself to save the others cliche I guess this is entertaining for many people with nothing being grounded in any realism at all we just accept that Dobbs pulling a ten-ton safe with this one car right now maneuvering in such a way that he can guide the safe anywhere he wants it to go I think this movie is basically just telling you relax it's only a movie which I hate now the safe and all its weight in momentum can suddenly pull downs car in another direction I guess it was waiting for the movie to allow it to do what it should have done way back at the police station guy about to shoot another guy get shot at the last second by some surprised ex machina asshole cliche how of a mess beyond all the damage to Rio and all the likely fatalities were now left with a Rio that currently has no living Police Department to put the kid from die hard with a vengeance it's Christmas you could steal City Hall come tomorrow I will find Joe he's already allowed them to do this crash the safe through Rio thing he doesn't owe them anything anymore his character in no way benefits from letting them have 24 hours to go play hide and seek Hobbes lets these guys go and doesn't check the save until after they're gone second window a 10-second window to unload a 10 ton safe into a garbage truck and switch it with another 10 ton safe before anyone notices and despite your considerable driving skills something you've never practiced in your life is going to go off without a hitch and fool everyone so you somehow planned this bull discreetly in a matter of minutes after the rock joined the cause which is complete cop that tried to bust our heroes ends up respecting them so much he laughs upon learning they got away with the cliche I know they've been given 24 hours but I can't believe Hobbes doesn't raid this hideout again part of the deal was that they couldn't take the money and he knows they switched the safes but he decides to lay off for some stupid reason let that be a lesson to you kids stealing is totally ok as long as you steal from a bigger head than yourself unearned romantic coupling oh they got together because their significant others died didn't think but they have so much in common beyond the tragic deaths that tied them together you need to look at that the irony is we are looking at that but Hobbes can't look at that because she's turned the wrong way well well let he's not dead I'm sure there will be some terrific explanation for this considering that dude Phoenix for the last movie asked Tom Murphy that Mossad it was back probably just a twin sister or something poor long loss previously unknown and dead twin sister give me the damn veggies I once caught a fish this day frost brewed Coors Light world's most refreshing beer I hear your sister is very beautiful and your wife moan like a whore when they ravaged her again and again use a hard-target search of every gas station residence warehouse farmhouse henhouse out this guy's he's Old Testament blood bullets wrath of God fire and brimstone coming down from the skies rivers and seas boiling twenty years of darkness earthquakes volcanoes the dead rising from the grave human sacrifice dogs and cats living together Mac you realize we're talking about going up against the most powerful guy in all a real yes we are then we're gonna need a team you think we need one more all right we'll get one more hey everybody if you have an interest in a book about disabled superhero kids I just happened to write something like that and you can now pre-order the eBook version the audiobook is coming soon as well

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 4,324,690

Rating: 4.785635 out of 5

Keywords: Fast Five (Award-Winning Work), fast and furious five, everything wrong with, cinemasins, cinema sins, review, movie review, fast five review, cinema sins fast five, everything wrong with fast five

Id: MQV_31rR0mU

Length: 19min 40sec (1180 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 31 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/cambiro]

Sin #118: Drug lords and militias give satelitte tv for locals in favelas, so they won't help the police.

Also, why the hell characters that are supposed to be brazilian have such awful accents?

[u/lesi20]

Fast Five is the best. I wonder if Furious 7 can top it

Edit: Aww, no taking sins of for Rock Liners

[u/DaCheesemack]

Sin #118

Go to any latin-american third world country, ALL THE POOR PEOPLE HAVE DISH NETWORKS. It's pirated.

[u/Ishkagal]

Does anyone know what the piano bit is from at 18:20? Because I cannot find out and it is bugging me majorly >.>

[u/canitoy]

Sin #118

Let me stop you right there. Poor people in latin america have satellite television. In México, you can buy the pirated receiver in public markets. Even if you don't go pirate, Dish costs $7 USD a month. They barely can afford food, but fuck watching public tv.

[u/formated4tv]

Mr Jeremy, sir -

Sin #135 - When she says all of the corrupt cops could be following them, and you say about "some of the cops doing their jobs"... Technically, ALL of the corrupt cops could be following them, but it wouldn't mean that she was referring to the good ones too.

Love this vid like the rest of them, just wanted to give you a hard time.

[u/trevdordurden]

Wow, those are the worst foreign language subtitles ever.

[u/luizaq]

ding Rio's policia civil "civill police " would never EVER have those cars

[u/ThumberFresh]

Yeah, earn that paycheck, Jeremy!

Seriously tho, good job!