every time ron swanson made something in Parks and Recreation | Comedy Bites

people who buy things are suckers look around me it's amazing several months ago I was on a walk and found my crib tree I approached the tree murdered it left it to cure in my wood shop and have begun working it into a crib for my upcoming child Ron Swanson you cannot use this crib you're ignoring every known crib safety standard it's all covered in the parenting book I'm reading are you going to crawl my way by Lenny Kravitz my crib will be safe because I'm building it with my own two hands I bought my crib in Bloomington and I am confident that it is literally the safest Crib in the explored universe let me take you there and you can talk to the salesperson counter offer you take me nowhere and I talk to no one counter-counter offer you come with me or I make you attend a four hour fax cover sheet protocol meeting either way it's a win for me Ron what's this the crib I built I'm giving it to you and Anne it's perfectly safe I tested it by hitting it with my truck Well Ron I can't accept this is for your baby there's more than one crib Tree in a forest that's not a lesson by the way just a comment on Lumber availability it's beautiful thank you nobody has all the right answers in parenting including me and that toxic crib you bought won't be the last mistake you make but a man who is this worried about making all the right choices cares very much that's all that matters you'll be a great father thank you Ron for the crib and the advice it's much better than any metaphor does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence no it's just a fish morning Leslie did you have a good night good document what is that this is what I did last night after I got home I drank six more glasses of whiskey and then I finished crafting this small harp using a bandsaw a Spoke shave and an oscillating spindle sander oh beautiful but wait there's more here are some photographs of me drinking the whiskey you'll notice I'm holding up yesterday's newspaper so you can tell that I'm not lying I feel like I'm in a spa [Music] I haven't even started yet I know I thought you could use some help what city Planet guys can be real pains in the ass you know okay I just want you to know that I still don't think city codes Ron shut up would you please I'm taking a half day off to come and help you out because you're my friend so just shut up no I'm bringing my workshop up to the Swanson code and if the Swanson code happens to overlap with the city government code shut up merry congrats to Christmas what half Merry Christmas have congratulations because I just received some news you Ron Swanson have been nominated for an award from the Indiana fine woodworking Association how did you hear about that I've had a Ron Swanson Google alert for seven years and it finally paid off recently I made a chair when I was finished I thought it was a good chair I submitted it to the Indiana fine woodworking Association who felt it merited consideration for an award it's been a real Whirlwind I know you didn't but if you had gone to Hogwarts Academy which house do you think you would have been in well obviously I want to say Gryffindor but I've got to go with Hufflepuff I respect your honesty Gryffindor Seeker on the Quidditch team Diane that's mature right there it's beautiful Ron yours is the winner I'm not sure I stand a chance hey you most certainly do crazy not to vote for you which one is Rose how much do you think Ann would miss this sconce I don't know it's part of her house well okay it's not rocket science I removed the sconce fired up my grandfather's torch heated up the pieces in a cast iron bucket liquefied the metal pour it into a mold obviously keep it over a little flame to achieve a nice temper cool The Nanny freeze and just forged and shaped the Rings any with a crucible and a settling torch and a cast iron waffle maker could have done the same whole thing only took me about 20 minutes people who buy things are suckers evening gentlemen oh hey hail zorp it is a beautiful night for the end of the world congratulations to all of you for reaching the Finish Line the zorpees are ridiculous but like the founding fathers I believe in absolute freedom of religion also their ceremonies require the playing of flutes I happen to make flutes in my wood shop flutes are eighty dollars a piece and Recorders are 150. hey they're beautiful would you take a check you can cash it to tomorrow sure guys what are you doing here come in you caught me before my first run of the day I call it my beat the sun run it's a race between me and the sun well we got one more gift for you it's quarterstone zebra wood joined by floating tenons to the black walnut Corner posts finished with a wiping varnish that's a secret Swanson Family Recipe handmade at my wood shop and you are correct it is gorgeous starting a new life with your new family so it's an empty buddy box to fill with memories for your little buddy or Twizzlers that's the beautiful thing about a box we all burned our initials in see wait a minute who's g-j-l-g-gg that's Gary Jerry Larry gergichenger I burned in all my names I really I didn't know what to do well um thank you um this tear um caused by the overwhelming thoughtfulness of my friends will be my baby's first memory salt water will warp the wood so keep your tears in your eyes where they belong will do Ross Watson hey I moved our meetings to tomorrow because you are drunk and hungover simultaneously at two in the afternoon yeah a good call also you have a visitor no whoever it is I have zero interesting hello we just spent 12 hours together woman I don't care I have three years worth of hugs to force upon you against your will I have a small object for you call it an official peace offering I suppose wow this is very sweet but six hours ago the frame is the gift when my company took on the Morning Star Development and I realized it meant bulldozing Anne's old house I salvaged her front door then I stripped off all the terrible paint and lacquer people really don't know how to finish wood properly and I made it into this frame for you in the event that you and I ever run you big fat giant sap that seems unnecessary okay

Channel: Comedy Bites

Views: 515,821

Keywords: ron swanson, ron swanson i know more than you, ron swanson making things, ron swanson crib tree, ron swanson crib, ron swanson chair, ron swanson chair episode, ron swanson crafting, ron swanson making a ring, ron swanson ring, parks and rec crafts, ron swanson flutes, ron swanson harp, ron swanson woodwork, ron swanson woodworking award, leslie ron reunite, nick offerman woodworking, nick offerman woodshop, best of ron swanson, best of nick offerman, ron swanson diy

Id: oxyr3W2vwrw

Length: 8min 15sec (495 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 23 2023