- I WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT. IT'S A SERIOUS ADDICTION
THAT IS SWEEPING OUR COUNTRY. I AM TALKING ABOUT
BUZZFEED QUIZZES. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE?
BUZZFEED QUIZZES? DOES ANYONE NOT KNOW WHAT
BUZZFEED QUIZZES ARE? OKAY, WELL,
THEY'RE PERSONALITY TESTS THAT PEOPLE SHARE ON FACEBOOK. THEY'RE VERY, VERY POPULAR. THEY ASK VERY RANDOM QUESTIONS. THERE'S ONE CALLED "WHAT KIND
OF PIZZA SLICE ARE YOU?" THERE'S ONE CALLED
"WHICH MUPPET ARE YOU?" HERE'S A BETTER QUESTION,
HOW DOES IT HELP YOU IN LIFE TO FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF PIZZA
YOU ARE? "OH, I'M A MUSHROOM PIZZA. THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE SAILING.
THAT EXPLAINS IT." I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, BUT ANYWAY, I HEARD THERE
WAS ONE ABOUT ME, AND IT'S CALLED "WHICH QUEEN
OF COMEDY ARE YOU?" AND THE OUTCOMES
ARE ALL FEMALE COMEDIANS LIKE MYSELF AND TINA FEY
AND AMY POEHLER, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD SEE
HOW ACCURATE IT IS, AND I WOULD TAKE A QUIZ
RIGHT NOW IN FRONT OF YOU AND SEE IF I'M ME. [cheers and applause] SO THE FIRST ONE, IT SAYS
"PICK A TV SHOW." I'M A FAN OF ALL THESE.
I LIKE "TRUE DETECTIVE." I LIKE... WELL, I LIKE ME. OKAY.
I'M GONNA PICK ME. SOMEONE SAYS,
"WOMEN AREN'T FUNNY, YOU..." COCK AN EYEBROW
AND SAY NOTHING. CALMLY TELL THEM
WHERE THEY CAN GO. GET INTO A HEATED DEBATE
AND WIN. I'M JUST GONNA COCK AN EYEBROW
AND SAY NOTHING, 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T TALK TO PEOPLE
LIKE THAT. "PICK A DRINK." OH, THERE'S SEVERAL I LIKE. THAT'S HARD. I'M GONNA SAY RED WINE. ALL RIGHT, "KIDS ARE..." THAT'S WHAT I JUST HAD,
SO I'M JUST, YOU KNOW... KIDS ARE THE WORST.
WONDERFUL AND HILARIOUS. A LOT OF WORK. THEY'RE TINY GERM SACKS.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA SAY. WELL, THEY ARE. THEY ARE. [cheers and applause] THEY'RE ALSO WONDERFUL
AND ALL THOSE THINGS AND A BIG RESPONSIBILITY
AND THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE, BUT THEY'RE--I-- GERM SACKS. "FRIDAY NIGHT, WHERE ARE YOU?" ON TWITTER. SPEAKING AT A CHARITY EVENT. I'M GONNA SAY ON TWITTER,
'CAUSE I BROKE IT, SO I'M GONNA SAY I... [cheers and applause] PICK A VICE. MM, THERE'S A LOT ON HERE
I LIKE. UM... I LIKE... I LIKE TV.
I THINK THAT'S A GOOD VICE. I THINK THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH THAT. "THE INTERNET IS..." AWESOME BECAUSE OF TWITTER. THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA SAY. "POLITICS ARE..." OH, BOY. [chuckles] UH... I'LL SAY A NECESSARY EVIL. ALL RIGHT, I AM... CHELSEA HANDLER. [cheers and applause] HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? UH, I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE AS
ACCURATE AS EVERYBODY SAYS. WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, CHELSEA. I'M...YOU. AND... I WONDER IF SHE LIKES TO DANCE.
