Eden Every Day: 3 How To Have A Happy Marriage

[Music] [Music] does anybody by the way remember from last week what the word holy means means different it means other very good set apart and if I do my job over the course of this Eden everyday series you will come to see that there is not a there's not a real difference between your being holy and your being happy if you can start to think of holiness as happiness and happiness as holiness now not the happiness that comes from getting to do whatever you want to do without any restraint without any restriction we've already talked about true freedom it's not being able to do whatever you want to do but being capable of doing what you were made and fashioned and designed to do and so when you are operating in harmony with God's creational intent for the kind of being that you are a social being a sexual being a moral being an intelligent being a volitional being you'll be happy God's desire for you is to be happy and that happiness is bound up with God's desire for you to be holy and as we jump into these identic streams as we jump into these streams of sabbath-keeping and healthful living and marriage and happiness and good stewardship when we jump into these creational streams we are carried along with the flow we are carried along in the blessing and I'm going to show you that today in a number of places Timothy Keller and his excellent book the meaning of marriage says evidence continues to mount that marriage what continues to mount evidence data information evidence continues to mount that marriage indeed traditional exclusively monogamous marriage brings enormous benefits of all kinds can somebody say Amen this isn't just David Astrix autobiographical account of his amazing marriage of 19 years with his wife by the way you noticed I'm unshaved today that's because my wife is out of town that's how you know that Violetta's not around when I start exercising my follicular manhood right she said I hate the fact that you're gonna be talking about marriage and I'm not gonna be there so I had to give her the whole sermon before she would allow me to come up and do it right so she gives the the sermon the thumbs-up but she gives the hair you know a thumbs down so it'll be gone next week when she's back evidence continues to mount that marriage indeed traditional exclusively monogamous marriage brings enormous benefits of all kinds to adults and even more to children and society at large that's our point that's the whole point about the Eden everyday series is that when we get into God's creational River God's creational intent you're blessed Keller continues there has never been a culture or a century that we know of in which marriage was not central to human life we don't know of any culture in which marriage was not right at the very center and Scripture is no different but we find in Scripture not just a sort of passing reference to marriage now in Scripture marriage between a man and a woman is at the very heart of all human relationships and even at the very heart of the way that we relate to God we'll get to that in just a little bit as with the other sermons in this series so far we're gonna have four parts today we're gonna talk about the biblical portrait of marriage number one number two finding the right one that'll be primarily geared toward our as yet married listeners and attendees happily ever after we're gonna talk about marriage and we're gonna spend our last little bit talking about parenting so this is gonna be great fun how to have a happy marriage and family first of all there are a number of key biblical passages that sort of describe God's ideal for marriage Genesis 1 and 2 is where the whole series is based upon in fact maybe you just like to join me there in Genesis chapter 2 and we'll read from chapter 2 beginning in verse 18 and the Lord God said it is not good it is what two words every one it is not good which stands in purposeful and poetic contrast to chapter 1 where Moses has written and God has said 6 times and it was good and it was good and it was good and it was good and it was good right so this stands in purposeful in poetic contrast it is not good God says that man should be alone the only thing in Eden that was not perfect the only thing in Eden that was not good was man's aloneness and we're gonna spend time on that it's not good that man should be alone I will make him a helper comparable to him out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air and brought him to Adam to see what he would call them this is delegation we've talked about this they were functional and whatever Adam called each living creature that was its name so Adam gave names to all the cattle to all the birds of the air to every beast of the field but for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him and the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam and he slept and he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh in its place and the rib with the rib which the Lord God had taken from man he made a woman and he brought her to the man and said this is now bone of my bone flesh of my flesh she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man verse 20 here's the marriage ceremony proper therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh we'll talk about that one fleshiness in a moment and they were both naked the man and his wife and they were not what they were not ashamed that's the very last verse of Genesis chapter 2 it's fascinating that Genesis chapter 2 the opening of God's identic ideal has a man and a woman together in their oneness in their one flesh Nassim dove their nakedness unashamed of their nakedness this is a key key passage and let's note several things about it before we get into the practice I want to spend about 10 to 15 minutes I'll keep track of myself here on my clock sort of going over the theological backdrop and why marriage is such a huge blessing to us and why God made us to be creatures that are designed to marry so richard davidson in his outstanding book all eight 844 pages of what is widely regarded as the definitive work the definitive work on biblical sexuality ok so if it's not you could read it I mean I've certainly read large sections of it but it's largely a reference work it deals with every single verse every single chapter every single passage in scripture that has any relationship to sex at all and that and just take a look at how thick that book is does that tell you that the Bible has a little bit to say about human sexuality or a lot to say about human sexuality it has a lot to say about human sexuality just last night it was having a lovely conversation with a good friend of mine from America she's a counselor I'll talk about her in a little bit and she was saying it's so easy to teach your children about sex you just read the biblical stories just read the biblical stories and it is in escapable here we are just in Genesis 1 and 2 we've already seen the man and the woman become one flesh an unambiguous reference to the sexual union we'll get to just a moment so what I want to do is I want to spend a little time here sort of going over Davidson's book and talking about the larger paradigm of marriage Adam and Eve and God's desire and his template for marriage so Davidson says the paradigm attak nature of Genesis one two and three for sexuality has been widely recognized by biblical scholars particularly in the context of marriage what Davidson goes on to do then in the opening chapters here on Genesis chapters 1 2 and 3 is he divides that section into 10 subheadings and rather than going through what could be a half a dozen quotations from dr. Davidson I'll give you a few of them I just thought I'd share with you the titles of those subheadings and you'd get a feel for the shape of the identic ideal when it comes to marriage so number one sexuality as creation order the simple way to say that is that God invented human sexuality number two a heterosexual duality and marital form man-woman complimentary not identical heterosexual and dual that's the marital form number three monogamous one partner right not polyamorous not polygamous no monogamous one and one a monogamous marital form number four the Equality of the sexes without hierarchy right Adam doesn't rule over Eve Eve doesn't rule over Adam in Genesis chapter one and two there is no established hierarchy nobody's in charge number five sexuality and wholeness will come to sex a little bit later sexuality and exclusivity which is exactly how we define marriage we stand at the altar and we say I commit myself to you I commit myself to you and one of the primary things that we are saying in a Christian marriage is that you are my exclusive sexual partner right we are not practicing an open relationship a polyamorous relationship not sexuality and exclusivity number seven sexuality and permanence right till death do with death do us part sexuality and intimacy we're going to talk about intimacy sexuality and procreation right the birds and the bees and then finally the wholesome holy beauty of human sexuality and dr. Davidson unpacked each of those ten subheadings I'll give you just a few of my favorite statement from this marvelous book the holistic view of sexuality means that the one flesh experience that we just read about in Genesis chapter two of husband and wife not only the sex act involves not only the sex act but also a oneness or a wholeness in all the physical sensual social intellectual emotional and spiritual dimensions of life right do you think about this is amazing what's happening is is that the the raw material with which to make Eve comes from the side of Adam so in some significant and substantive sense Adam alone is incomplete Adam alone is incomplete which is why the text says it is not good that what man should be alone so when he is then United back with Eve who was formed from Adam they they now come together in a oneness not a Tunis a oneness one flesh and I love what Davidson says here this is not just about the sexual act this is a wholeness a oneness involving physical sensual social intellectual emotional and spiritual dimensions of life he continues adamant effect exclaims at the first sight of Eve when he sees Eve he says at last I'm home here's the compliment to myself he recognizes and the narrative instructs us that man is whole only in his complementarity with another being who is like himself that there was an incompleteness in the creation narrative until he was united with the very one that was made from a rib taken from his side I love the way that Ellen White says it in the lovely book patriarchs and prophets she says he was created from a rib taken from the side of Adam and notice the theological application that she draws from the origin of Eve signifying that she was not to control him as the head in order to be trampled under his feet as an inferior but to stand by his side as an equal which is why we mean no hierarchies right in Genesis 1 and 2 the man's not in charge the woman's not in charge they are equal they're equals socially they are equal ontologically they are equal maritally they are equal spiritually but to be loved and protected by him coming from the rib not from the head to rule over not from the foot to be trampled under but from the rib to be to be beside to complete to create the whole so back to Davidson our final quote from him Adam and Eve are not slaves in Genesis 1 and 2 they are not slaves to do the menial work of the gods as in the ancient Near Eastern stories but they are Co regions that means Co rulers they are the king and queen of their earthly dominion finally the Sabbath in chapter 2 1 2 3 is given by God at the climax of the creation week and it reveals a I love this a palace in time in which the human family may join together in spiritual fellowship and communion with their maker right there or not they're not the the as he says there that just to do the menial tasks they don't occupy a servile role they occupy a co-regency that God rules alongside of his creation and God as just as displayed in many places in Scripture is committed to delegation giving others a functional and actual opportunity to do things that he himself could do better there are many other passages that we could go to proverbs chapter 31 Matthew chapter 19 Ephesians chapter 5 1st Corinthians chapter 7 and 13 I want to spend just a moment on Ephesians chapter 5 if he's in chapter 5 beginning in verse 1 it says therefore be imitators of God as dear children verse 2 and walk in love as Christ also has loved us and given himself for us as an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma note that phrase gave himself that phrase is hugely significant in the writings of Paul he uses that some seven times Christ gave himself he gave himself he gave himself he gave himself and the significance of that phrase gave himself is that Paul uses it as synonymous with love he says love and give yourself for Paul that was the very definition of love there's nothing about emotional fancy in here there's nothing about emotions at all he says to love is to give yourself now stay right there in Ephesians chapter 5 and run down to verse 22 wives submit yourselves to your own husband's as to the Lord we're going to spend time on this a little bit but we'll spend a long time on it when we do our series later in the year for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church and he is the savior of the body therefore just as the church is subject to Christ so let wives be subject to their own husbands and everything verse 25 husbands of your wives just as Christ also loved the church and one of the next two words gave himself for her now we've already passed over so much that has so much significant theological content that we are going to in our series that will come later in the year a larger series on marriage about three or four parts we'll see how long it'll be it's going to be all based on Ephesians 5 there's just too many phrases too many ideas there's just too much substance in Ephesians 5 to rush over it and it's one of the main reasons that I said man we're going to do a whole series on it a whole series on marriage and a whole series rooted in Ephesians 5 but here's the one point I want you to get this morning Paul says walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself and then he says husbands love your wives as Christ also loved the church and gave himself to of the 7 occurrences of that phrase in the writings of Paul the corpus of Paul gave himself occur in Ephesians 5 for him the whole idea of marriage and he goes on to say a little bit later in Ephesians 5 that there's this great mystery the relationship between a man and his wife is analogous to and is a window into the relationship between a God and God and the church a husband and his wife so this is a great mystery and at the core of that mystery is this idea that you give yourself you give yourself didn't Jesus say greater love has no man than this that a man would lay down his life for his friends to give yourself to give yourself okay so these are some key biblical passages we'll spend time on that gave himself biblical and godly marriage is first about giving and only second about getting can somebody say Amen he gave himself the best-known most quoted probably best loved verse in all the Bible John chapter 3 verse 16 for God so loved that he that he what did he do he gave because love gives he gave himself he gave himself he gave himself that is a refrain in the writings of Paul scattered throughout his various epistles so that's a biblical portrait of marriage we've talked about wholeness we've talked about sexual exclusivity we've talked about God's ideal for procreation all of that is wrapped in there and if you want a deeper study on that you can get the hundred and forty-four page flame of Yahweh book by dr. richard davidson published by i think it's eerdmans get your hands on it's a great reference work what we're gonna do now over the course of our next three sections is i'm gonna give you ten points of what I take to be wisdom right wisdom that comes from seventeen years of parenting and nineteen years nineteen years of being happily married now I didn't feel comfortable standing up and talking about marriage and giving advice on marriage until I had full confirmation and I was satisfied that my wife was happy with our own marriage and so I said Violeta I need you to give it to me straight I need you to stick it to me here I need medicine I need to know on a scale of one to ten with ten being optimally perfect optimally perfect and zero being horrific what is our marriage how would you grade our marriage on a scale of one to ten and I need you to give me a real number cuz this is the number I'm gonna tell the church that you gave me and she said at least a nine so I've been married 19 years my marriage is at least a nine and by the grace of God getting better every year I don't know how you would rate your marriage and I'm not asking you to compare but I'm gonna share some wisdom and his wisdom if you can be I'm more in love with that woman today more attractive to that woman today more enraptured with that woman today than the day that I married her April 4th 1999 so I got something I need to tell you right some of you have been married longer but none of you have been married better ok some of you been married longer you never been married better than I have been married I hit the jackpot so I want to talk about how do you hit the jackpot how do you find the right one well first of all and this is geared primarily to our young people I want to talk about you've heard this statistic it's just repeated ad nauseam 50% of marriages end in divorce 50% of marriages end in divorce that's true but that's statistic you know you've heard the old saying that there's three kinds of lies lies damned lies and statistics right and that statistic actually masks a great deal of nuance in what kinds of marriages end in divorce it is true that the total number of marriage is approximately 50% end in divorce but did you know that that statistic does not take into account 2nd 3rd 4th and 5th marriages right so that's all marriages it's not all first time marriages it's a second marriage so if there's me and I've been married once and I have a friend who's on his second marriage between the two of us there's 1.5 marriages if he's on his third marriage and that's a total of four marriages between two people that means that 50% of marriages end in divorce never mind the fact he's on his third I'm on my first but you can actually massively statistically stack the odds in your favor and almost guarantee that you will not get a divorce there are actual statistical evidentiary predictors of marital success I'm going to give you just 11 of them and some of them are kind of funny and some of them are really common sensical very quickly number one if your annual combined household income is greater than 50 thousand US dollars adjusted for the country and the place in which you find yourself you have a much lower chance of getting divorced it gives you like a two to four percent statistical advantage so income is big if there's also a threshold if you go below a certain threshold then your chances of divorce significantly increase number two if your parents did not divorce now this was kind of a tricky one for Violetta and I because my mother was divorced twice and my wife's parents were not divorced so they were very nervy understandably about her marrying me they were nervous about that because in the inimitable words of violet is dead there is no word for divorce in Romanian right he just said we don't have that work you know he's very as soon as he found out my parents were divorced he just he lost it I got a three-hour lecture and now I'm his favorite son-in-law 19 years later so if you're married if your parents are unde avoid you are marrying somebody whose parents are under force it doesn't mean that if your parents were divorced that your marriage will fail it just means that statistically you stack the odds in your favor if both of you come from non divorce families number three if you are religious or a regular Church attenders you increase the chances of your marriage succeeding by between two and four percent almost every one of these is good for somewhere between one and five percent so if you take that 50% baseline figure and you say yes yes yes yes yes by the time you get to the end of this if you can say yes to all or most of them you could be at close to 80 percent 80 percent or better that your marriage college-level education people that have higher levels of education divorce less commonly than people that have lower levels of education length of dating before marriage this is a fascinating one and I'm already spending more time on this than I thought I would but if you date too short before marriage that is actually a predictor of marital of failure and if you date too long before marriage there's a bit of a sweet spot in there of about one to two years of dating beyond that you actually decrease the chances of marital success and before that you decrease as well less than a year number six age of marriage the sweet spot to marry for successive marriages between the age of 22 and 26 again it doesn't mean that if you get married outside of that that your marriage will not succeed but that's the sweet spot we're gonna talk about why in a little bit number seven not having children in the first year right big predictor of marital success number eight realistic expectations of marriage number nine the size of the wedding this is fascinating there is a direct correlation between the size of your wedding and how long your marriage lasts small weddings do not last at marriages from small weddings do not last as long in fact marriages where it's just you and your spouse and one or two other people statistically are the marriages that last the least long right and if you have if you have a wedding party of over 200 there's there's all these reasons for this but a wedding party of over 200 is actually a predictor of marital success believe it or not number attend this is a fascinating one I'll talk a little bit about it later rolling of the eyes if you roll your eyes at your spouse it actually is a significant predictor of marital failure and then finally number 11 age difference is also a contributing factor so these are you can just go down that list especially for the young and unmarried here go down the list stack the odds in your favor as Matt said there a moment ago run the numbers Timothy Keller and his the meaning of marriage says both men and women today see marriage not as a way of creating character and community but as a way to reach their own personal life goals they are all looking for a marriage partner who will fulfill their emotional sexual and spiritual desires and that creates an extreme idealism that in turn leads to deep pessimism that you will ever find the right person to marry ah this is interesting this is the reason so many put off marriage and look right past great prospective spouses that simply are not good enough don't measure up now I'm going to talk more about that in a second I don't want to run ahead Keller continues to conduct out what Keller calls aimée marriage which is your primary mo for getting married is to win it for your own best interest for you to your own sexual satisfaction your own career goals your own financial security your own benefit he calls it a me marriage he's to conduct a me marriage requires two completely well-adjusted happy individuals with very little in the way of emotional neediness or of their own character flaws that need a lot of work the problem is there is almost no one like that out there to marry that no one like that out there he says the quest for a perfectly compatible soulmate is an impossibility perfectly compatible why why is that an impossibility because marriage brings you into more intense proximity to another human being than any other relationship can and we know based on physics when you put two things in proximity there is friction right so you can find someone that you are complementary with you can find somebody that you are connected with but if you are waiting for the perfect partner you will wait forever there is no such thing we're gonna talk about that so 10 pearls of wisdom from pastor Eric for especially the unmarried among us here how do you find the right one the first question you've got to ask is do you know who you are are you converted to Christ that's the first and most important question when you're looking for a spouse do I know who I am am i converted question number two do you know where you are going I don't mean where you're going on this trip but you know where you're going in life what's the purpose of life what were you put on earth today Mark Twain famously said the two most important days in a man's life are number one the day he was born in number two the day he finds out why well if you're considering marriage you you've done the first one you've been born but if you don't yet know why you're on earth don't get married in fact I think I've got it up here I want all the unmarried Zin here to say with me you've never yet been married I want you to say these three words with me here we go mission then mate I'm looking right at you Evan say it with me say it with me mission then mate come on don't do me like this mission then mate okay how about this one let me get somebody over here who's one of my unmarried sover here I'm looking for an unmarried there are no unmet look right there and unmarried identity then intimacy say it with me identity then intimacy you have to know who you are and where you're going before you hitch your wagon to somebody else's horse you don't know where they're going if you're hitchhiking this way and she's sitting that way if you want to watch a sermon that I did on this ten years ago called hitchhiking for love man I gave it to him straight in England about ten years ago hitchhiking for love you can google it so you got to know who you are you got to ask the question am I converted you got to ask you a question you got to ask yourself the question do I know where I'm going and then one of the most important questions does he or she love Jesus more than me and if the answer is no don't marry them you don't want to marry somebody that would turn you into an idol and you don't want to turn somebody else into an idol hallelujah don't even consider marrying someone that is not genuinely converted to Christ don't even consider it now if there are people in here and there are people in here today who have married somebody who either a fell away from the faith or who never was in the faith hey God can still bless your marriage God has a plan a but he can work with Plan B God can work with Plan C God could work with plan D can you say Amen God can work with Z butBut but for those of you that have not yet made that don't make that mistake don't make that mistake don't even don't if she might be cute he might be handsome he might have a six-pack she might have good fashion if they're not converted no the answer is no off the table don't even consider it Timothy Keller the meaning of marriage it is the illusion that if we find our one true soulmate everything wrong with us will suddenly be healed and I love this point but that makes the lover into God and no human being can live up to that don't turn your prospective spouse into God number four if you're considering if you're looking for that partner you got to pray pray pray number five will this relationship help me get to heaven that's the big question will this relationship help me heavenward number six how does he treat his mother how does she treat her dad how do they treat their family because that's a window into the formative that's a window into how they were formed the culture and the and the the nest in which they were created and while they might not display those behaviors in the here and now it's there it's nations its epigenetically there and culturally there that could become the very way that you are treated if you are dealing with young ladies if you're dealing with a man that treats his mother with disrespect that talks down to his mother no no no no no and young men if you're dealing with a woman that doesn't can't stand her dad doesn't like her dad and I'm talking about in the context of a normal healthy home there are situations of abuse and I'm not talking about that but if you see that that they do not have a healthy happy flourishing relationship with their family beware be very careful number seven attraction is important but it is not everything I am more attracted today to Violetta than I have ever been but I can tell you this the attraction has changed the attraction has changed because she's now a 42 year old mother of three right she's she's not a 23 year old she what did I say mother of three yeah that's correct I always say that way me Landon and jabil she's not 22 anymore she's not 23 anymore gravity and childbearing and age has had her way with me as head has had its way with her and she has had her way with me and she's going to have her way with me when she hears this sermon but don't miss my point here beloved all of those faults in my wife I think to me they are badges of honor right they are badges of honor this woman carried children in her body this this they are badges of honor so attraction is important but the nature of that attraction and the kind of that attraction will change and morph over time and you can literally become more attracted to your wife after 20 30 40 years than the day you married her and I'm not just saying that it's true okay number right no sex before marriage I don't know how to say this anymore keep your clothes on keep your clothes and I don't just mean no sex stop experimenting don't be making out don't be putting your hand up and down and over and around don't be doing that you got the rest of your married life to explore one another physically in the meantime keep your hands to yourself and keep your feet on the ground and I tell you I've been disappointed in some of you Australian parents I got to be totally honest with you I've been disappointed in some of the ways that I have heard Australian parents relate to their children about what's appropriate and inappropriate in premarital relationships no absolutely not you didn't be kissing you shouldn't be making out you shouldn't be touching you shouldn't be caressing you shouldn't be no because here's why it's really simple when I start kissing my wife and touching my wife and caressing my wife that goes somewhere that's a train that goes from here to here right and what happens is maybe the first time you can get on that train and hop off and then the second time you get on that train before you're married you can get and then you can hop off but I'll tell you what you keep getting on that train you stay in a relationship for one or two years you're not gonna get off you're gonna take that train right to where it goes right and that is not God's intent it actually works against not only holiness it works against happiness so in the simplest possible language keep your clothes on if you want a happy marriage by the way you notice that one of the predictors of marital success was not having children inside of the first year the reason that some marriages end up having children inside of the first year is that they took that train to the intended sexual destination and she became pregnant there is a cause effect relationship between sexual intercourse and pregnancy we understand this right and then you have what's called a shotgun wedding and you have to hurry up and get married this is not the recipe for marital success it doesn't mean it can't work but it's not plan a it's somewhere down the line of plan C D E or F so keep your clothes on any parents here want to say amen to that I mean if the pastor's the only one saying Amen I'm still gonna say Amen and if you're offended you're just gonna have to suck it up you should be telling your kids not to be making out petting touching caressing clothes on feet on the floor period you got an issue with it come talk to me afterward number nine my strong advice to young people is start thinking about marriage early on don't start thinking about marriage after you turn 20 right you should be thinking about the kind of person you want to marry the kind of marriage you want to have and hopefully God willing you can look to your own parents marriage as at least an example if not perfect and an example of the kind of marriage that you would like to have at least in principle I've been talking to my two sons landing a table about marriage since they were in their early teens thirteen fourteen start thinking about marriage at fifteen sixteen seventeen so that you're ready to marry in that sweet spot of between 20 and 26 if you don't start thinking about marriage is that well I'm 20 and now I'm going to school then I've got to get my degree and then I've got and I don't want and I got ahead of it okay here's what happens not in every case but in many cases after as you go through life your personality becomes increasingly concretize you become more of who you're going to be right this is why it gets harder to marry if you marry later in life because you are now 30 years old or 29 years old or 40 years old and this is who you are you have habits you have idiosyncrasies you have your own weird ways that you do things and you see somebody else you think oh I could never be married to her she fill in the blank but whatever the thing is I could never be married to him he whatever the thing is but when you marry younger I didn't say young but younger then what happens is you grow together you might as long as you know where you're going she knows where she's going you're converted she's converted you marry younger you start thinking about marriage in those mid to late teens so that you're ready to marry just think about it biologically when is your body biologically ready to be married it's in your mid-teens now the culture that we live in today would frown upon that marriage of a 15 or a 16 year old but you don't have to wait until you're 25 to get married you are in your biological sexual prime in your late teens and early 20s so be thinking about marriage before so that if the opportunity presents itself you can be married earlier rather than later I tell you I'm married violin when I was 26 and the only regret I have marrying in Violeta is that I didn't marry her four or five years earlier Kline missed four good years of marriage to this amazing woman number 10 you don't find the right person so much as you become the right person I want to say that again you don't find the right person you become the right person the truth is that at some level we all did or we all will marry a stranger the person that you're marrying when you stand there at the altar and say I do you only know a fractional amount about that person you are in fact I heard this great quotation just this week one of the books I was reading a gentleman said my wife has been married to at least five different men all of them me right I mean the person that David Eric is today at 45 is not the same person that David was at 30 or at 20 or it's why we are continually becoming a new version of ourself and hopefully by the grace of God a better version of ourselves so if you're on the lookout for the one right person he's not gonna happen now it's not gonna happen you look for somebody based on principle based on godly biblical principle you're heading in the right direction there's a number of sort of premarital counseling you can go through with myself or many other people and there are predictors of marital success right but if you're waiting for the one it doesn't work that way you become the right person more than you marry the right person and you can disabuse your mind of this ridiculous Hollywood notion that there is one perfect made-to-order just for you soulmates that is not true there's not an inkling of biblical evidence for that you might feel that your spouse is your soulmate I certainly feel that Violeta is my soulmate but she has become my soulmate do you see the difference we didn't just fall in love and then get married in Hollywood you know some ridiculous thing we have grown into love so now let's talk about happily ever after that's how you find a partner now that you've got one let's talk about ten little pearls of wisdom from Pastor Eric on how to stay married happily marriage is good for your life and your health particularly if you are a man this is statistically demonstrably women do better single than men it's absolutely statistically the truth on average men that remain unmarried don't take care of themselves they put on weight they have less discipline they have more health issues when the Bible says it is not good that man should be alone God was actually making a predictable testable scientific statement that centuries later millennia later would be proved to be true it's not it's marriage is good for your health as we saw there at the outset Timothy Keller says evidence continues to mount that marriage is good for you it's good for you financially it's good for you socially it's good for your health it's good for you mentally it's good for you emotionally but particularly for men men are worse at being single than women women have better self-care women have better women in general take care of themselves better as single din men do okay I could tell you a story I'm gonna let it go it is not good that man should be alone God said I will make a helper suitable for him when you read the Genesis account you can summarize the Genesis account kind of like this Adam this is God speaking Adam care for Eden Eve care for Adam okay good Adam God gave Adam some to do he made him strong he made him firm he put him in the garden and he said here's your task go do stuff and then God put Eve in the garden and he said your task it can also involve the tending of the garden but it primarily involves taking care of him you are a help me to him you're and by the way you just look at a woman's body she is designed relationally she has breasts to feed her children she has a uterus to carry a child she is relationally physiologically a different kind of being than a man is right this is why the Bible says can a woman forget her suckling child right men absentee fathers are an epidemic in the world today right men can just you know deposit you know their their sperm wherever and then sort of move on and never even have anything to do with the child so it's in my own dad my dad left after I was three weeks old I've never met the man I called him on the phone twice he didn't have anything to do with me I there's what can I do about it my my mom is my mom the dad can walk away make his deposit and walk away but the woman the woman stays connected and so God puts Adam in the garden and he says I've made you strong I've made you capable I've made you intelligent do stuff take care of the garden and he put even the garden needs to take care of him take care of him be a blessing to him and the two of you together make a team it's absolutely amazing so number one you've got to stay or get converted if you are not converted right now and I don't mean that you come to church I don't care if you come to church you need to be converted in your home and I'm going to say this right now if you're not converted in your home you're not converted period if your spouse doesn't think you are a follower of Jesus you're not a follower of Jesus because she knows you best he knows you best it does not matter what the person that's sitting next to you in this church right now thinks about you it does not matter if your spouse thinks you're rotten and you're mean and you're critical and you hold her in contempt you are not converted you're not and the converse is also true if that's the way that that you feel about your husband I'm sorry you hear you're not converted you have to be marriage doesn't work biblical marriage doesn't work if you are not converted so the question is not how can I get more out of this woman how can I get more out of this man how can I get more out of this economic truce relationship that we're in and sadly many marriages have degenerated it's a little more than truce is a series of truces aah my heart bleeds for those marriages believes because God holds out to us the prospect of what can be the beauty of what can be and I want to tell you whatever the condition of your marriage right now is good or as bad as it might be it can be better but it's gonna take Jesus it's gonna take Jesus it's gonna take Jesus and an ideal situation is that you both get converted but even if only one of you gets converted your marriage will get better even if only one of you gets converted so number one how can I be a better husband or wife number two as we've already seen he gave himself to serve one another not to get but to give number three love your spouse for who they are not for you who not for who you think they should be this is key this is what's called acceptance by the way loving your spouse for who they are several things here men are generally doers and women are generally relators these are generalizations if you get a group of men together they don't they don't know one another it's just a matter of time before they say what do you do where do you work how long have you been there and if you get a bunch of women together that don't know one another it's just a matter of time before they say are you married do you have children where does your family live right these are generalizations but they are largely true men tend to be more easily satisfied and content relationally than women are this is statistically demonstrably and I've not only read books on it I myself have conducted numerous experiments with literally dozens perhaps more than a hundred couples where I I get the men alone and I get the woman alone and I ask one simple question right your marriage one to ten just right your marriage one to ten just write it down on a piece of paper rate your marriage one and they're always like are you gonna tell my husband are you gonna tell my wife yeah yeah yeah I probably I'm gonna tell them so write it down in every single case the man rates his marriage higher than the woman if the man says all I think my marriage is about an eight the woman will say well it's like a six if the man says aw my marriage is a nine the woman will say for maybe seven and a half I've actually seen the man say oh my marriage is a nine and the woman say I don't know maybe five and the reason is that women aren't less in fact I hate to say this but 75% of divorces are initiated by the wife 75 because women are relationally less content for a variety of reasons right for a variety of reasons now there are lots of really practical things that follow from this and please pay attention Jennifer Schwerner good friend was on the phone with her just last night for about two hours women can often listen to this men tune in tune in men women can often identify what the problem is in a marriage better than their husbands suck it up dudes they often can identify what's going on because they're more relationally in tune you are less relationally in tune if you have money in the bank and food in your stomach and at least occasional sex your jet you're happy right women are far more nuanced far more in tune women can often identify what the problem is in a marriage better than their husbands but this is the big but they may not get to how to fix it part right and this can result in the classic portrait of the nagging wife because she sees what needs to be fixed but she at some level she's not the fixer she struggles to implement she knows something has to change she doesn't know how to change it or what to change perhaps and so you end up with this nagging wife and the husband detaches we'll come to that in just a second John Gottman by the way you can watch a series of YouTube videos on this good stuff from the Gottman Institute called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse John Gottman a non-christian I don't if he's a Christian or not I think he's Jewish but he from a non-christian perspective he can actually predict he can sit down with a couple for an hour or two and predict a 90% of cases whether or not a marriage will last more than five years and you know how he predicts it on these four things right here number one is their criticism number two is their contempt number three is their defensive 'no sand number four is their stonewalling and he has his little formula and can bait in contempt as the worse by the way contempt is the worse that's the eye rolling the eye rolling contempt of your partner right he calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse I just want you to look up there and say how many of the horsemen of the apocalypse are manifesting in your marriage is it one is it two is that 3 if it's all for your marriage is in trouble your marriage is in trouble generally women tend to be critical in demanding and men tend to Stonewall when marriages become dysfunctional the the the role that a woman often occupies is demanding nagging wanting more criticizing and the man checks out he stone walls silent treatment moves on doesn't want to have that conversation it's formulaic it happens again and again and again and dr. Gottman has a lot of great videos on it you can go watch it okay number four divorce is not an option if you go into a marriage and divorce is an option then it will perhaps there's a higher chance of it being exercised you have to go in saying I'm permanently committed mice committing myself to this person number five communicate communicate communicate talk every day about the day this is the number one skill and marriage is a skill I want to say that again being happily married is a what did I say is a skill and a big part of being happily married is communicate communicate communicate talk every day about the day if you are glued to your phone or you're glued to the television either of you that's not communication in our home we've created what we call no phone zones there are times where phones are disallowed there's no phone zone here there's a no phone zone here this is a no phone zone because there's an actual real live human being in front of you it's far he or she is far more interesting than your phone right so you have to communicate and a key skill is what what's called active listening talk to Jennifer at length about this last night she talked about active listening and she says in your marriage learned to practice active listening in active listening you suspend your need to express your subjective perspective or opinion and you enter into the subjective perspective or opinion or experience of the other in a way that involves empathy some people are almost incapable of doing this the woman starts to say well I feel but you shouldn't no no in active listening you you shut up one person is talking one person is listening there's one talker and one listener there's actually a technique for this notice what she goes on to say you don't have to agree you don't have to agree with what the other person is saying but you have to try to what's the word everyone you have to try to understand you're trying to feel what the other person is feeling even if you think that feeling is based on a fallacy even if you think they're completely off their rocker that's not the point you're not analyzing for objectivity or truth you're listening for the point of understanding and feeling it's called active listening Jennifer says for many marriages this simple technique works like magic in resolving conflict she told me last night she will have couples come into her into her office that have been in a bad marriage for five six seven eight nine ten years and in a few short session sessions of teaching active listening it's like you'd flip the light switch on it's like magic all of a sudden they have a tool and I tell people this all the time marriage takes tools you got to have arrows in your quiver right and a lot of people don't have any tools right they weren't given any tools no tools were modeled for them by their parents they've not read any books on that they've never been to marriage counseling oh you couldn't go to a marriage counselor that'll be a sign of weakness that would be a sign that there's something wrong no tools well guess what if you don't have tools you can't do work and as you acquire tools tools like active listening and some other tools and I'ma give you here in just a bit you can actually begin to have an outstanding marriage number six do fun things together find hobbies that you both can share and enjoy keep it fun and playful you've heard the family that prays together stays together I say the family that plays together stays together one of the smartest things that Violetta and I ever did and we didn't even know it was so smart at the time is shortly after our marriage like within three months of our wedding we found activities that we enjoyed together so we started bird-watching together we started backpacking together more recently we've started cycling together we rock climb together we have a goal to see 5,000 species of birds together we keep track of these lists together we take pictures together we buy binoculars together we put bird traps together we go cycling together and look when my wife and I go cycling it's not for me to get fit her fast is my slow but it's to spend time with her it's to be with her and there's a great many people they don't do anything with their spouse I love it when I go to touch and I see Darnell out there playing with Kevin just a quick example just you have find something that you can do with your spouse something other than eat and sleep find some recreative activity that you can participate in together number seven you want to be happy in marriage you got to have lots of intimacy including but not to sex because sex is only one kind of marital intimacy men think it's the beginning the end and every other no no it's a kind of intimacy let's talk about that one kind of intimacy is to genuinely affirm your wife every day multiple times a day about many things as God in heaven is my witness at a violet over here she tell you this is the truth there's not a day that goes by that my wife does not hear that I love her multiple times that she looks beautiful or that a color looks good on her hair looks good on her her hair looks really nice today this meal tastes outstanding you're a great mom you have to be men building your wives up and the reason is that women tend to be more insecure than men women just tend toward insecurity and men toward men tend toward inattentiveness and just being stupid they just don't notice stuff right so you have to be intentional men you have to practice conversational intimacy intimacy is not just taking her clothes off and getting in bed intimacy is speaking affirming beautiful happy things into your wife's life and I'll tell you she will blossom under it now the converse is also true you have to let your husband know that you respect admire and appreciate him and if you don't he will feel that you don't believe in him that you don't love him and as simple as this might sound you just let your husband know that you think he did a good job at something you did it's a tool I'm giving you tools it's it's as simple as it sounds if you say hey sweetheart you did a really good job on that fill in the blank rather than you know why did you do it that way even if you could have done it better and in some instances the truth of the matter is is that my wife can do things better than me I'll pack the car she packs the car 100 times better than me we have had so many arguments in our marriage about how many bags will fit into a respective space and I'm like that will never go in there Violeta I've tried it three different ways and we get in a little argument I go away upset I come back the car is perfectly packed and there's more room with the bag in it then I could create with the bag outside of them but there have been times where Violeta has come out and I can just see I could just see her gears turning and she's like oh he didn't do a very good job packing but she says hey thanks for packing sweetie you did a good job and I'm like that's right my wife thinks I'm a good pack number right children should be gone oh let me talk about sex there are three stages of marital intimacy here you go when you are first married and you're the hormones are raging and there's the novelty and there's the excitement you are having sex tri-weekly at least three times a week right you just can't keep your hands off one another but then this really strange thing happens a baby comes and then you're your job and babies and food and bottles and milk and then the second phase of marital intimacy you try weekly you try to get it at least once a week you try to make time for intimacy you're coming and she's going and you tread your paths aren't crossing but you try weekly and then as you get in the later stages of your life you you're just not as many hormones and body's not working quite as well and Bloods not flowing quite as nicely as it used to and you try weekly so the three stages of marital intimacy try weekly try weekly and try weekly number eight children should become family-centered not the other way around number nine is a big one you've got to protect your spouse from your family if you badmouth your spouse to your in-laws you are creating a poisonous toxic that you wear to your to your parents not your in-laws to your parents if you badmouth your spouse to your mom or your dad or your brothers or your sisters you are creating a toxic situation as far as your family is concerned you are married to the best person in the world I cannot say this strongly enough I get I get situations in my office not so much around here but I've had them over the years and it just it just spoils it just spells poison it spells toxicity it spells danger when the husband feels that his wife has undermined him to her family he doesn't want to go spend vacation there he doesn't want to spend his hard-earned time hanging out with a bunch of people that he knows his wife is bad-mouthing bad-mouths him to them you've got to protect your spouse if you have to talk to somebody about your spouse talk to a counselor talk to a pastor talk to somebody who will in a professional way keep that between them and you do not talk to your feet because they they will be absolutely biased to you of course you're their daughter you're their son so you have to protect your spouse from your family and number ten don't be afraid to get help there is no shame in getting a third party to come in and sort of evaluate say hey here's a tool to analyze hey you could have done this a little better there's no shame in that at all getting counsellor from a professional getting counsel from a professional is time well-spent and I know that men in particular are averse to this for every ten times I've told somebody you guys should get marriage counseling I've heard eight times the woman say well I've asked him to well I've asked him to well I'm willing to and the mantles the man will say not interested don't want to do it not interested well part of the reason is that the man thinks his marriage is innate and the woman says it's a four so what do you need a fix it's not broken what do we need to fix I want to tell you especially men being unwilling to get help when you need it is not a sign of strength it's actually a show of adolescent weakness if you need help if you are up against a brick wall and you are not making progress in your marriage or worse yet if your marriage is regressing it's unlikely that you will be able just the two of you together to figure it out if you're to the place of dysfunction you need help and there's no shame in that there's no shame at all in that I loved Timothy Keller here the meaning of marriage the reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel which is painful and wonderful at once the gospel is this we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe and yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope I'll beloved just let this sink into your soul love without truth is sentimentality it supports and affirms us but it keeps us in denial about our flaws but truth without love is harsh it gives us information but in such a way that we can't really hear it but God's saving love in Christ however is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are yet also radical unconditional commitment and so to summarize this basic point marriage is a window into God's amazing love you can be fully known and yet truly we tend to act the worst and most contemptible and most petulant and adolescent with those that have the least chance of rejecting us and friends you can be you can enter into the truth of the gospel not just the idea of the gospel not just the concept of the gospel not just the theology of the gospel in marriage you can enter into the gospel itself to be fully and naked ly known and yet to be loved and valued but it takes work it takes energy and it takes tools some key resources some tools I want to put in your hand get the book love and respect by dr. Emerson egg Rick's if I just recommend one book to somebody about marriage I say that's the book get the book love and respect by dr. Emerson egg Rick's number two the meaning of marriage by Timothy Keller outstanding book number three the five love languages by Gary Chapman and then finally how we love making deeper connections in marriage by Milan and ke arkovich those four start there start with four books if you're not a reader then just get the first book just get the four book but get the first book but I'll tell you something even if you're not a reader if your marriage sucks if your marriage is going down the drain then then suck it up man up woman up and start reading books that you can get tools if you're too embarrassed or you too infantile that you can't go to somebody else for help then go to an outside party in the form of a book and get help don't use this I can't read excuse I don't read I'm not a reader I fall asleep every time I read the excuse work on yourself take yourself seriously take your marriage seriously and heaven forbid if you have children if you have children take yourself seriously enough to create an environment in which you can be proud of the home that you are creating and a home where angels delight to dwell you can have a happy marriage if you are unmarried you can have a happy marriage we talked about the predictors of marital success you can do it predictors of marital success come talk to me young fellows and young ladies I I nineteen years of being absolutely not always without difficulty but happily married my wife says my marriage is a nine out of ten I give it a nine point five out of ten in keeping with the fact that I rated higher than her if you are unmarried you can have a happy marriage do not settle do not settle and if you are presently married in your marriage is good hallelujah it can become great if your marriage is great it can become better and if your marriage is terrible it can be fixed I want to tell you here today Jesus can fix your marriage pastor I sure it might not be able to fix your marriage your counselor might not be able to fix your marriage but the Lord Jesus Christ who made man out of the dirt and woman out of a rib can fix your marriage it's ideal if you both get converted but even if only one of you gets converted your marriage will be better marital holiness and marital happiness are not two different things they are the same thing and even if you've been married ten fifteen twenty or more years if your marriage is moving backward instead of forward you can recapture you can recapture that beauty that connection that sparkle you can recapture that that that initial sense that you had with your husband or your what you can recapture it by the power of the Spirit get on your knees pour out your heart to God get some tools in your toolbox and work toward creating especially I just have to say this again if you have children you have to take the responsibility of raising children seriously God will hold you to account for the way that you talk to your spouse God will hold you to account for the climate that you are creating in your home I hope today that you have heard not the voice of Pastor asterik I hope that at some level you have heard the voice of the Spirit speaking to you and saying here's a tool here's a rebuke here's the level of instruction here's an opportunity I'm just deeply convicted that we will not see true revival in our church until we see revival in our homes and we need revival in our homes can you say Amen Father in heaven [Music]

Channel: Kingscliff Church

Views: 18,656

Rating: 4.818182 out of 5

Keywords: David Asscherick, Kingscliff, SDA, Church, Eden, Marriage, Hope Channel, Happy

Id: ZTYUO7sv70Q

Length: 58min 30sec (3510 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 27 2018