Voters for are not waiting for the first Tuesday
in November to cast their ballots. NEWSWOMAN: The record number
of Americans taking advantage of early voting
across the country. NEWSWOMAN 2:
In states reporting data, an unprecedented 57 million
ballots have already been cast. That's more than 40%
of the total votes counted in the 2016 general election. At one of New York City's
premier venues, longs lines snaking around the
Barclays Center in Brooklyn, while marching bands
drum up excitement. Incredible turnout,
to see these lines. I've never seen this before
in my life. NEWSWOMAN 3: It turns out,
Americans don't even have to be earthbound to vote. U.S. astronaut Kate Rubins
cast her absentee ballot, with a little help
from Mission Control, from the
International Space Station. I think it's really important
for everybody to vote. And if we can do it from space, then I believe folks can do it
from the ground, too. Okay, that is super cool. An astronaut voted in space?
Wow. I mean, it's weird that she still had to wait in line
for, like, ten hours, but, yo, that is cool! Also, I don't know
if this is the kind of story that would inspire people
to vote just because an astronaut did. I mean,
it's easier to vote in space. What do you have? Nothing,
no responsibilities, you know? Down here, we got to work. We got to check Instagram
every ten minutes. In space, you just float around,
you do backflips. You talk
to some guy named "Houston," occasionally poop in a bag
that's taped to your ass. You're living the dream! And guys, I'm happy
that astronauts can vote, but America has to ask itself
about its priorities when it's easier
for a white lady in space to cast her ballot than
an old Black lady in Georgia. I mean, just look
at the lines down on Earth. Have you seen these lines? The lines look so long.
Forget buying new Air Jordans. Looks like people are lining up
to buy Michael Jordan. I've heard they've only got one, but I'm hoping
they make an exception. I want
to get the baseball version. But what's amazing is that even
with all the long lines, even with the suppression, America is still hitting
record levels of early votes. There were so many early votes that the president
could already have been decided, and we just don't know it. It's like the week
before Christmas when your parents
had already bought your gift, and you just weren't allowed
to find out what it is. So it could be
a brand-new president, or...
it's the same one as last time! (crying): I shook the box,
and it grabbed me by the pussy. And with Election Day so close, the big issue on everyone's mind is still
the coronavirus pandemic, which is funny,
because when you think about it, this whole year,
everyone has been waiting for an October surprise,
and it turns out, the October surprise is
that we're still talking about the same shit
we were talking about in March! Surprise! So, with America now seeing more daily infections
than ever before, and hospitalizations rising
in many states, the two candidates are staking
out their positions on COVID-19. Last week, Democratic candidate
Joe Biden announced that he will push
a nationwide mask mandate, deploy
the Defense Production Act to drive the manufacture of PPE, and begin testing
seven million people each day. And then,
President Donald Trump revealed his take on the pandemic. "Boring." That's all I hear about now. That's all I hear.
Turn on television. COVID, COVID. COVID, COVID, COVID. COVID. A plane goes down,
500 people dead. They don't talk about it. COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID. I can safely say that I've never seen a world
leader get bored of a crisis. Also, it's weird
that Donald Trump is saying this when he's the one
still talking shit from 2015. COVID, COVID, COVID.
I'm so bored. Why isn't anyone talking
about Hillary's e-mails? Keep up with the times, people. But, hey, shout out to COVID
for helping Trump understand what we've felt
for the past five years every time we switch on the TV
and heard his name. Trump, Trump, Trump,
always Trump. Oh, and by the way,
maybe the reason the news isn't talking
about the plane that went down with 500 people
is because there was no plane
that went down with 500 people. And if you think 500 pretend
people dying is big news, remember that
almost 1,000 real people a day are still dying
from COVID, COVID, COVID. I mean,
if you're gonna bullshit us, at least make the numbers work. Have a fake airplane crash
into another fake airplane that goes down and crashes
into a pretend petting zoo, and then, the, animals get out and maul, like,
600 more fake people. That way, you get close
to the COVID numbers for today. I mean, seriously, how does
this president still not get it? People are still talking
about COVID because people are still dying
from COVID. Imagine if the captain of
the Titanic had this attitude. All anyone is talking about is
drowning, drowning, drowning, as if tonight's not
all-you-can-eat shrimp night at the dining hall. Now, I know
what you're thinking. If Trump is tired of hearing
about COVID on the TV news, well, there's actually something
that he could do about it. Just turn off the TV. But even that might not work,
because these days, the news is coming
from inside the house. NEWSWOMAN:
This morning, concerns of another coronavirus outbreak
at the White House, after five of Vice President
Mike Pence's associates, including his chief of staff,
test positive for COVID-19. NEWSWOMAN 2:
His chief of staff Marc Short was with the vice president on
every campaign stop last week, including Friday night
at a rally in Ohio. Short now in isolation
and experiencing symptoms. Pence's body man,
a personal assistant who accompanies him
virtually everywhere, a political aide
who recently traveled with Pence on Air Force Two,
along with two other staffers. But CDC guidelines call
for a 14-day quarantine after exposure to the virus. A spokesman saying Pence will
continue to travel as planned "in accordance
with the CDC guidelines for essential personnel." Critics say
campaigning for office does not qualify as essential. Wow. Vice President Mike Pence, the head
of the Coronavirus Task Force, has COVID all over his office. This is like finding out
that The Flash came in second in a marathon. I don't care what African
country that guy was from. You're supposed to be The Flash! Although, I mean, technically, this is one way
to keep track of COVID-19. You know what they say. Keep your friends close
and the coronavirus even closer. Honestly, though, people,
I'm not mad at Pence. I'm just disappointed in him. Because I get
Trump not following the rules. We know he can't read. But don't tell me that Mike Pence can't
follow strict protocols. I mean, that dude's rules about being around women
are more complicated than the rules
for meeting the queen. Again, I apologize,
Your Majesty. I thought you were trying
to chop my neck off so that you could become
Highlander, and that's why I fought you. Now, if Pence
hasn't caught corona, this is actually
some really good information for us to learn about the virus, because now we know
that you can get the virus if you're breathing the same air
as someone who is positive. But you clearly
can't catch the virus if you spend all your time
kissing that person's ass. And it's wild that even after
he's been exposed to the virus, Mike Pence is still going
to campaign. Yeah. I mean, it's a terrible idea, and honestly,
I think it'll backfire because who the hell is going
to a rally with Mike Pence if that might give you
coronavirus? And yeah, I know
people go to Trump rallies after he got COVID,
but that's Trump. His rallies are fun.
That's worth getting corona for. No one wants to get corona
from Mike Pence, especially because
he already makes you feel like you have corona. Yeah, you know, after he talks,
you're exhausted, it's hard to breathe,
and you just want to lie down. But turns out there's actually
a very good reason that the White House
isn't following guidelines for preventing the spread
of the virus. They just don't want to. And the White House
sounds like they are admitting that they have given up
on trying to stop the spread of coronavirus. Chief of Staff Mark Meadows
telling CNN: "We are not going to control
the pandemic." Here's what we have to do. We're not going to control
the pandemic. We are gonna control the fact
that we get, uh, vaccines, therapeutics
and other mitigation... Why aren't we gonna get control
of the pandemic? Because it is
a contagious virus, -just like the flu...
-Yeah, but why... Interesting. So the plan is to just let
coronavirus spread freely throughout America? It's interesting how Zen
Trump's people are about this. You know?
Because with an immigrant child who came over the border,
they're like, "Zero tolerance! One is too many!
We have to deport!" But with a virus that's killing hundreds of thousands
of Americans, they're like, "Look, man, the virus is just
trying to make a better life "in our lungs. Who are we to stop it?" But yes, you heard that right. The Trump administration
is basically surrendering to the coronavirus. I mean, they're not using
the word "surrender," but admitting that they're
not gonna control the pandemic is basically surrendering. In fact, we actually have
the tape of Trump himself personally surrendering
to COVID-19. ANNOUNCER:
It's over! After eight months
of bitter fighting, this morning, President Trump
surrendered America to the coronavirus. I got to hand it to you,
coronavirus. You outsmarted me, and you outwitted me, also. America is all yours. Why don't you guys
just wear masks? No, thanks.
I'd rather just surrender.
