Dumbest People of Reddit (3.5-Hour Compilation)

chinese speakers readers of reddit what's the dumbest tea you've seen tattooed on someone i knew someone that got the chinese characters that were supposed to mean sky a chinese friend of theirs pointed out it meant ceiling looks like the ceiling's the limit [Music] a friend of mine wanted an arabic to that said but according to an arabic speaking mutual friend it says god skydidy meaning eggtitude on the side of his face didn't help that the man was bald and it took all my willpower to not laugh in his face stg that must have been on purpose a local tattoo shop offered a tattoo on anyone who wanted it free of charge it means diarrhea i've seen it on a few people locally people will do dumb things for a free tattoo not chinese but my professor asked a girl why she has love friends and cheese sandwich tattooed in arabic she thought the last one was something like smiles could be worse cheese sandwich is pretty dang good i know a girl who had gangrene tattooed on her side and it quickly became her nickname sick name call even her family began calling her that she was a very mean person simply put and i can only guess the tattoo artist was getting back at her this was about five years ago and nobody hears much from her nowadays dang gangrene is a cool name i wonder if i could get tetanus tattooed on my side a person from work had a fairly small japanese tattoo that was supposed to read big brains he just got his degree or something so this was a celebration of that a japanese co-worker started laughing and said it was more like big head this sounds like ariana grande's bbq finger all over again not chinese but a friend of mine has coconut chicken noodles tattooed down her spinning burmese she is burmese it's hilarious and burmese and those noodles are so good that i totally get the tattooed go try some if you ever get the chance [Music] pornstar riley reed has a direct word for word translation of when life gives you lemon make lemonade tattooed on her back it makes zero sense in chinese notice it midfap and i laughed so hard i couldn't keep my boner well if you're an english speaker who also reads chinese it makes sense i was in the motorhead region of the metro and saw a dude with [ __ ] stamp white rice straight white and bald biker motorist looking dude who said that was an accident i personally don't speak chinese but i dated someone who did i worked with a dude who had a big tattoo all down his back in chinese lettering in remembrance for a friend who had died he thought that the characters said the friend's name my date said that the tattoo translated to does not translate untranslatable this poor dude had plugged his friend's name into google translate or something and it came back unable to translate and since he couldn't read the characters that's what he printed out and took to the tattoo shop not chinese but had a girl come into our shop wanting smart girl tattooed on her in kanji we always try to talk people out of kanji because of the potential for mistranslation she was adamant though and had already picked out the characters for educated and woman this she said was in celebration of her graduating with an engineering degree at osu we looked it up and found the characters together but it had a slightly different meaning we called in our friend chris who was a native speaker to verify before we told her what it actually meant he took one look at her paper with her carefully copied characters and blurted out s yep educated woman had a completely different connotation apparently in japanese i expected her to be shocked but instead her eyes lit up okay let's do it i'd like to say i had the forethought to keep her number but alas it didn't occur to me at the time [Music] a colleague's father has his wife's name tattooed on his arm or close meaning of her name my colleague has an unusual name with no relative meaning and chinese so was his only male offspring the father had the word man-child tattooed beneath his wife's name i honestly think this is inspired in chinese means man and means child but just means boy back in the late 19th early 20th century there was fad in magic to have a chinese theme act the whole mysterious east thing white guys dressed up in faux chinese robes her chinese-looking props the whole thing there was even one white guy named bill robinson who took that all the way and appeared in public as chung ling soo he spoke in fake gibberish chinese and had an assistant translate he was killed doing the bullet catch trick the most dangerous trick in magic but i digress during that time one magician was in the chinatown of some city and noticed some chinese writing in an alley he thought it looked kinda cool so he copied it down and had it painted on one of his props well that worked out just fine until the day he put on a show with a lot of chinese people in the audience they were terribly amused that his mysterious spirit cabinet had please do not urinate in the alley painted on it i saw a girl with star sign zing zio on her upper arm not sure if it was a hilarious joke or if she had wanted her actual star sign tattooed and made a blunder she was a white girl in a greek beach bar so my bet is blunder star sign actually means constellation when phrase like that i speak japanese and was once browsing a small town tattoo shop i cracked up when i saw the japanese alphabet on the wall with poorly written gibberish characters listed as a b c etc no one's at ignorant i thought two hours later getting lunch with my boyfriend i noticed similar looking characters on our waiter's arm i casually ask him what it says john i didn't have the heart to correct him the bloghoundsismetersblogspot.com refers to this as the gibberish font some of the characters aren't even complete characters [Music] my favorite was dumb it was like awful taste great execution it said very visibly on his whole right arm which means i don't know i guess so when people ask him what it says he can smirk and say i don't know i saw the version of this in beautiful calligraphy on some guy's arm and honestly considering it for my next tattoo saw a guy in my unit with korean tattoo probably he wanted to do demon within like a badass i guess but instead it sounded like this big bad voodoo in miami in very childish manner wasn't chinese though sorry there was a somewhat famous dude among the chinatown dwellers where i lived a while back he was a big buff white guy who would always hang out in chinatown with shirts that had the sleeves ripped off he was pointed out to me in roughly this manner look at that guy his name is ben ben has a tattoo of his name in chinese on his upper arm ben insisted on having the opinion of his name tattooed instead of being given a proper chinese name ben is proud of his tattoo ben likes to introduce himself to the asian people in chinatown by pointing to his tattoo ben and pinyin equals pen pronounced phn which does sound like an asian feed ben penn in mandarin means stupid dude introduced himself as stupid for years as far as i know no one has ever told him everyone knows ben though there's a difference between p and b in mandarin ben stupid and pen to spray are not homophones coma your joke still stands though just with a b instead of a p source native mandarin speaker currently doing phd in mandarin phenology i love when this question comes up i managed a shop and occasionally we'd get nazis and juggalos at a friend's shop whenever nazis would come in asking for swastikas he'd tell them three thousand dollars for your chest but fifty dollars for your hands or face and it had to be done by the guy who was from the philippines who tattooed at their shop we had an exchange student from japan in the early 2000s like what seemed to be the height of those tattoos we were at a new year's eve party and some very drunk lady was showing off her new tutor that supposedly said something along the lines of peaceful spirit the exchange student asked her why she had a to that said bicycle like other people have said here that same exchange student brought a shirt that said frickit leaves and had a giant marijuana leaf on it she didn't understand why she was getting stairs and calls home when she wore it to her high school once frickit leaves is a perfectly good description of weed come to think of it a japanese friend of ours told the story of an american home staying with her and he had all these characters tattooed on his arm he told her what each of the characters meant but she was confused because she didn't understand any of them so he was just like well you probably don't have these characters in japanese kanji so she copied them down and showed them to a chinese friend who simply said these characters don't exist just goes to show you if you want a character or phrase tattooed always do your research and make sure those characters actually exist chances are the american had gibberish tattooed there but it's possible to have rare characters that most people aren't familiar with my tutor had another student who always got into trouble with schools admin and the like we are in an asian country because the characters in her name weren't in most chinese dictionaries particularly gianty rather than fanty ones chicken yes i understand that in english chick can be interpreted as a hot lady but at the same time the very same character used to refer to the very same animal can be construed as prostitute w in modern slang or maybe that's just service advertisement now that i think about it there is a distinction between a chicken and a prostitute in chinese is chicken is prostitute both are pronounced the same like son or son [Music] my friend's mum had one she thought was her name on her chest her friend at work asked why she had population of china tatted on her so this might not count but i have a funny story my family is quite religious my grandparents went to china and bought my cousin a shirt with some chinese writing on it and my cousin wore it pretty much everywhere including church and school then one day a kid who could read chinese comes up to him and says you know your shirt says frick you right i'd like to have a shirt that says frick you on it in any language other than english so i can wear it in public not chinese and not dumb but this reminds me of a friend i had who got sesame chicken and chinese tattooed on his neck and when we went to a chinese restaurant and they asked what he wanted he would point to it always got some laughs usually got some free food too like an extra egg roll or something i had a japanese friend who read someone's twitter that said kitchen neither of us knew what it was meant to say maybe the guy just thought it looked cool there's a book called kitchen by a japanese author named yashimoto banana i once saw lady with on her back i don't know if it was her intention for it to say daddy's little girl but that is sure a thing i can never unsee it could even mean daddy's little wlol i don't speak chinese but i've got a good one i worked for a stint in a local chinese restaurant and one day the manager asked if i could help him conduct a few interviews i said yes and at one point one girl comes in looking like the painted lady of a carnival freak show she goes through the interview pretty poorly i might add and when she leaves the manager starts laughing so hard he's almost crying after a few he calms down and explains that this tattoo she had on her arm which she claimed was a chinese poem was actually a prostitutes list of sexual services i saw someone on the streets flexing their chinese tattoos they told me it said peace and life it said stupid foreigner i didn't really want to tell him also i didn't really get chinese character tattoos like if i wrote peace on my arm am i like cool peace and life although there will be many arguments over which version of life could be used can also be peace between silence calm stupid foreigner many different versions for each phrase not chinese but a choir teacher at my high school which unusually had a japanese program came in one day showing off a new tutor that says her name in carta connor susan so like in case she is in japan and forgets i guess to be honest tattooing your name and katakana is super mediocre in my opinion like katakana is the ugliest of the three japanese alphabets and it's your name it's not like it's something deep that just happens to be in katakana btw nice nickname i like it british journalist david bloodworth relates the story of the young woman wearing a dress with chinese characters on it at which his wife looked sad which she did when she was amused he asked what was funny and she said the young woman had obviously seen the material in a shop and purchased it and made the dress the characters said good stuff inside price cheap [Music] my stepson bought an entry-level tattooing kit spent a while practicing on pigskin and then proceeded to spend much of the winter tattooing three large chinese characters vertically on the back of his own thigh can't remember what they were supposed to say some simple motto like truth beauty diligence must say i was impressed with his work technically they were very well done especially considering it was his first complex job he had had to do them in short sessions as he had to work in an awkward position with his leg up in the air ankle belted to the bed post he was also working from a full-length mirror so he was required to render the characters both upside down and backwards but despite all this the finished work was evenly spaced of consistent density and height lined up well and all the margins were clean and sharp impressive for a relative novice come spring when it had healed stepson went to show his new ink off at one of the municipal beaches we lived in vancouver at a time so lots of chinese people wandering by on a nice sunny day but if his tattoo was exposed they'd look at it whisper to each other for a few minutes then walk off snickering bad sign long story short he had somehow transposed the characters left to right so they were actually in mirror image this explained the confusion and whispered conversations among the passers by what's worse the characters he so diligently inscribed onto his own flesh didn't actually say truth beauty diligence or whatever his high school friend now safely back in taipei had carefully brushed out for him the characters for ugly white boy that's actually really mean you would think his friend would have known that he had bought a tattoo gun and was practicing with the full intention of tattooing those characters onto himself it's okay to play jokes on people but when your buddy is about to permanently mark his body with something as demeaning as ugly white boy that's just fricked up not chinese but japanese saw a guy who had ball like a sphere tattooed on his hand i asked him what his tattoo said he told me his story about how his older brother had death tattooed on his hand and he died two years ago so he thought he should have lived on his hand i had to be the guy to tell him that it was not live but ball well ball is life not me but my father once met a woman who wanted to have bad girl like hers in badass tattooed on her in chinese the characters didn't really mean that though it meant something more along the lines of a woman who would cheat on her husband and take advantage of men my sister got what was supposed to be her initials in chinese on her lower back as a [ __ ] stamp this really reserved chinese girl asked her why she had bee tattooed on her back my sister started freaking out omg it's not supposed to say that when the girl busted out laughing and said she was just kidding i don't think she was kidding i think she just felt bad probably because initials aren't really a thing especially in chinese characters a character doesn't equal an individual letter i speak and read mandarin and cantonese fluently and one time i was in boston with my family to visit family and we ended up at this seafood restaurant when my family sat down there was another family there and one of those people being the dad the dad was huge like arnold schwarzenegger huge and on his arm he had a massive tattoo saying i'm pretty sure the guy used to be from the air force because he had a bunch of papers in his backpack and stuff because the restaurant served free meals to people that served in the army so his tattoo translated from mandarin to english which means hit airplane it sounds sort of reasonable since he served in the air force but the thing is if you were to translate this from cantonese to english it would also mean hit airplane but it's also slang for to jack off it's not just kanto in mandarin too it means to jack off not chinese but a japanese exchange student of mine said she saw a woman with a weird japanese tattoo she guessed it was supposed to say i'm crazy but it really meant i'm [ __ ] not chinese but saw a young lady with an unusual japanese tattoo the term ladybug has a few translations obviously ladybug but also the mythical nightwalker the same creature that was adapted into miyazaki's princess monarchy this later translation had a less literal meaning knight walker as in lady of the night as in prostitute poor girl had the world for prostitute tattooed onto the back of her thigh not a tattoo but a tie being sold at nordstrom rack i knew that people put weird random pretty chinese characters on things but i didn't know what it said so i asked my mom she said it said blood sausage i thought it was hilarious so i bought it to my mom's irritation and just wanted a second opinion so i took it to my chinese teacher and asked her what it said where did you get this it says blood sausage being the dumb high schooler i was i proceeded to just instantly lose it i still mourn the blood sausage tie not in chinese but in hebrew i've seen a collection of stupid hebrew tattoos on pinterest and one of them said god give me brain maybe it was a sincere prayer though my friend's english brother has a tattoo in either japanese or chinese one day he pulled this oriental bloke in a club in thailand back to the hotel room to do the dirty after the event naked the asian chap asks why have you got that on your shoulder the response from fb i like it it means one world one life one love ac no it doesn't f b o k what does it mean ac round i'd see this is definitely not true because asian people do not call western european people round eye that is completely not a thing not a tat or chinese but a b and b we've stayed that has a room with a japanese name and wondered why no japanese clients ever stayed there a japanese guest staying there at the same time we were said it sort of meant dirty or unclean i just typed it into google which translated it as madness still an awesome b and b with great hosts pays to do your research when people find out i knew how to read chinese they often show me their tattoo of a chinese character 7 out of 10 times the character is just gibberish it surely looks like a character but with an extra stroke or improper placement of the different components it doesn't mean anything now i just say oh the lighting is bad what does it say and then just agree with it i am loki a fan of oblivious white people having tattoos in foreign languages thinking it's something spiritual or deep but it's actually just a food i once saw a p star have the word is tattooed on her arm that was it justice i remember pointing it out to my bf all the time and laughing managers of reddit who is the dumbest employee you've had and after how long did you fire him or her wasn't capable of firing anyone but i did contract work that occasionally involved training new hires light construction was involved as well as the usage of basic tools like mallets screwdrivers tape measures etc had a guy coming for his first day on a site in florida started showing him and a few others the ropes and after about an hour let them at it everyone was doing fine and then i noticed he's just setting things up without measuring first i remind him i have several tape measures and a yardstick if he needs it turns out he couldn't read a ruler and didn't think there would be a problem in construction it's just building right he did not last the week comma he couldn't read a ruler i'm sorry what i have tattoos she asked me if i wanted to see her kitchen magician tweety bird located on her cooter she made it a few weeks because that's not the grossest thing to happen in that restaurant i taught itava puddi not a manager but was once a crappy employee in my younger days stayed up all night partying got a couple hours of sleep i woke up and knew there was no way i could go to work i was basically delirious when i called and i didn't even think about what i was gonna say the manager answers and all i can think of is hey i was on my way to work and i almost crap my pants so i had to turn around calling in with intestinal distress is always a good one had a guy who was a bit soft in the brain i can't recall too much was this was 15 plus years ago but i know he was a constant cause of problems for me and my staff if i asked him to wipe a table this was in a restaurant without door but covered seating he'd grab a dry rag and just smear things around the table if i asked him to run a register i had to stay with him or have a lead stay with him as a rather small selection of items on a clearly labeled keyboard was too much the funniest thing was when he'd brag about his girlfriend he had a very obviously source picture he'd show us of a woman out of almost anyone's league the best part was when he proudly told us she'd have sex with him if he paid her sounds like that 4chan guy [Music] guy stole lottery tickets but his way of doing it was exposing the barcode at the terminal scans to see if it's a winner if it wasn't a winner he put it back if it was a winner he cashed it out and filed it away with his paperwork now it sounds kind of clever but we do lottery counts every morning not to mention the fact that people who buy lottery would immediately notice if the barcode was already exposed when i saw this i immediately checked the camera and saw him from multiple angles doing this he then also threw the winners in the trash after he cashed them and left the trash into the can overnight called the cops they had all the evidence they needed arrested him and i guess some poor soul took pity and posted his bail he then texts me to tell me he quit i told him it's hard to quit a job when you were officially fired while sitting in a holding cell he was there for two weeks moral of the story don't be a freaking idiot please tell me this was in florida i think i know this idiot couple comes up to the register with two large bottles of liquor cassia puts the bottles in a bag hands it to them and sends them out he did not ring it up or take any money i saw it on the security camera me why did you do that him because they are black me what him black people are poor they shouldn't be paying for booze equipment led in a manufacturing environment my team did maintenance on the machinery i had a guy who would come in and immediately hop on craigslist while everyone else was checking their emails and preparing for the shift this guy would online shopping he literally spent hours every shift paging through craigslist if he wasn't doing that he was watching youtube videos that either consisted of strongman competitions or attractive women working out i repeatedly caught him lying about work he never did he talked trash about every other employee and would frequently get into screaming matches with his wife over the phone he screamed at me when i told him he couldn't spend four to eight hours of a 12-hour shift on break when i'd try to correct his behavior the typical response was either i don't give a crap or what the frick are you going to do about it he even went to my boss to complain when i gave him a poor annual review unfortunately despite a mountain of documentation and repeated requests i was not allowed to fire him because the company was so short-handed since he wasn't doing any work it didn't really make any sense to me when i finally quit he had been there for almost five years and hadn't received a single raise promotion or bonus to this day he blames it all on me i'm an industrial maintenance tech i've been employed at five different facilities and have yet worked with a crew that is not like this guy i had an employee who appeared to have limited capacity for information she would unlearn things she'd been doing for a while if she learned something new she would also get very mixed up about things thinking the addition of one new policy completely negated an unrelated policy so let's say we created a policy against mentioning your workplace on your social media accounts she'd start taking longer breaks and say something like but we changed our policies so that one doesn't matter anymore her work tasks were like that too she'd ask how to do something again that she'd been doing for months without trouble after being taught a new skill i got the notice from the folks above me that she had to go but they said i needed to put some work into it first to make sure she had no ground to stand on for a lawsuit of any sort so i had to go through and document every stupid thing she'd ever done every email that showed she didn't quite understand things enough to do her job properly every time she took an extra long break or didn't show up to work on time i had to document every complaint from every other employee every tiny mistake i had to correct along the way it was exhausting when i was finished and had all her crap laid out in a three-page document it was obvious that she needed to go and i couldn't believe we didn't let her go sooner so she's kind of like a pokemon can't learn more than four moves at a time three days they made a racist slur towards a couple fired them on the spot the defense they had i didn't say that out loud you have no proof then after showing them that proof they said i have two rates they couldn't provide any evidence i have a friend who has tworaters they have a card and medical proof oh my god do i have a story for you i work at an ice cream shop and we get scam calls all the time i have alerted all of my employees of this before and they all know to be vigilant in any situation when a scam is apparent one night a couple months ago around 9 00 pm one of our shift leads gets a call from a man saying he works for the corporate office the man on the phone says he's doing a private investigation on our franchise because we are under by one thousand dollars in our weekly cash deposits which btw corporate officers have no way of seeing transaction histories for franchise private bank accounts he told her she can't tell anybody that she know about this underage because the general manager is under investigation too and if she ruins the investigation then she is committing a federal offense and would be sent to jail for at least five years he told her that he needed her to go to the safe count all the money take all of it to a local cvs and put it on a visa gift card he told her that she needs to recite to him the gift card number over the phone and then go behind the cvs rip up the gift card and throw it in the dumpster he told her that once she does this they will be coming to the store the next morning to arrest our general manager this is why she can't say anything so this girl goes out around 10 pm drives an hour to a cvs on the other side of town loads more than 800 onto a visa gift card and then recites the visa card number over the phone and then chucks a card into the dumpster behind the cvs when she gets back i am there with the police because i found out through another shift leader that this was happening and after explaining to her that she was being scammed and the money she took did not in fact go to the corporate office she says to the police officers it's okay they are coming here tomorrow to arrest gm's name so you guys can arrest them then the police officers could not stop laughing she was not fired but her and one other employee are expected to pay back all of the money caught a guy smoking him he tried to hide it as fast as possible he claimed we were seeing things and he wasn't doing anything escorted him out of building right there in that moment not a manager but had an incredibly dumb co-worker freak out and quit on day two i'm we are tree planters we plant trees in the woods pretty self-explanatory you'd think people would expect to get dirty and wet when they live and work outside for several months in a row this lad did not get the memo apparently so we walked into the block about three kilometers through swamp muddy logging roads and it's been raining heavily since yesterday this lad had a small swamp depression on his piece with some water in it categorically refused to get his feet wet his foreman boss who is my buddy comes by and asks why are there no trees in your swamp do you need help no but i don't want to get my feet wet complete confusions on the foreman's face comma this is what we do we're tree planters now please plant your swamp dude flips out on his foreman who is a really nice and very hard-working guy throws his shovel and while the foreman is trying to de-escalate the situation this absolute unit walks off his peace walks three kms back to the main road through the swamp hitchhikes back to camp gathers his tent and leaves blue over your own mind day two man apparently it's a toughy that sounds like incredibly satisfying work you are literally opposite lumberjacks had a guy who would call out to work with the excuse i'm just not really feeling it today i wanted to tell him to just say that he was sick or just not give any reason anything would have been better took forever to fire him because a corporate attendance policies sent out a new contractor hired to install a 24x36 shelf simple put the shelf into the shelf hole he brought it back because it was too small and he needed a x 24 shelf cut so it would fit properly if someone had a problem like this i would sort of help them but i would use cryptic clues so for this one i would say think differently to turn your world around or something like that teacher not a manager did i watch my fellow teacher sit and do nothing while her student run amok and then she can't figure out why my scores are better classroom management had an employee who disappeared for over two hours she worked in the kitchen where we have a no bag policy and lo and behold she left her purse i removed it and brought it to my office where she could return it later a foul chemical smell was coming from her bag that prompted me to search it upon which i found stolen checks stolen credit cards pills in a baggie about a gram of m and the source of the smell an aluminum foil wrapper containing sherm her scumbag sixth sense must have been tingling because within a few minutes she comes to the office looking for her bag sees her contraband freaks out and tries attacking me to get her stuff back i had to take her to the ground and hold her until the cops arrived turns out she was on parole real class act he would ask both male and female co-workers super inappropriate sexual questions he asked one woman if her and her fiance had tried anal as it would spice up their sex life if they hadn't he would ask everyone all kinds of other weird crap like juice bigelow type crap weird names and all he'd explain it and expect real answers he asked our very christian very overweight very much older than most of us seafood manager if she liked rim jobs she didn't know what he was talking about and asked someone else for an explanation fun conversation i'm sure where i worked we couldn't fire him it had to go through store level management not department level and they had to have two verbals and three written including periods of suspension so it took way too long to get rid of him either that dude was legitimately stupid or he was an immature edgelord looking for a laugh and attention but which also falls under stupid a developer that was assigned to my qa team he had already been shuffled through three or four actual dev teams which is a bad sign after the fact my director let me know that he had been sent to mine on the off chance that he had been clashing with other devs and wasn't just incapable of working if you assigned him a task he'd work on it but only until he encountered anything that could possibly be interpreted as a blocker then he'd surf the internet until someone came by to remove the blocker he wouldn't ask anyone to help he wouldn't seek solutions himself he wouldn't do anything about it so most times he could manufacture something to free up his time within half an hour of starting anything like i don't have access to the right repo i'd swing by a day or two later and he hadn't asked for access to the repository he'd just be idle after a month or so of progressively shortening intervals between checking in with him to see what the newest roadblock was i was having to chat with him four times a day chatted with my boss about it and we agreed that he should seek greener pastures also he wore toe shoes with no socks that he never ever washed toe shoes therefore toes and for [ __ ] floor manager at a tribal casino have an employee who is almost full blood offset tribe worked for over two years knows twenty thirty percent of job duties well basically untouchable can confirm source used to work at a tribal casino hard to fire full blood tribal members i had an employee for months who would help around the dining area take orders and help out with restock although he was a nice boy he was very dumb unable to focus and a religious radical also a very racist white male come to find out let's call him alex we train our employees for two full weeks and then we let them do it all on their own while watching them of course anyway alex couldn't remember how to write down a bacon egg and cheese taco beck i told him b for bacon e for egg and c for cheese he wrote tech and proceeded to say but t is for tosino because it's spanish for bacon and we have mexicans on the grill right how will they know i said our employees all speak read and write in both languages also why would you not write h for eggs and q for cheese if you were writing in spanish well i thought they'd know that kind of english literally the next day a woman a regular btw comes in with her two children to pick up her order alex comes up and checks her out and gives her the order he asks your children are adorable how old are they they carry on a conversation for a few minutes and he goes well what about daddy just sent you on a mission to get the food hushy responds with their father isn't in the picture he presses oh i'm sorry divorce is the devil actually he was never in the picture it was a one-night stand and when i contacted him he never responded i don't know where he is or if he's even alive honestly the face he made when she said that i can't even describe it do you know how terrible that is yeah inev do you know what will happen to you and your children do you know you won't be let into heaven you would do something so awful to your children it's bad enough they are basically muts but now you've taken away their chance to god's palace the owner stepped in right before i could safe to say that he was fired that very day he tried to sue him but the owner was smarter than him i have never had anyone say something so ugly to a customer it was horrible some of my favorite games were developed by thq but now whenever i think of them i will smile and remember the spanish acronym for bacon egg and cheese she just didn't work she would call out constantly then after we told her if she called out one more time without being able to give us medical paperwork she started showing up late and would whine about how late she had to say she was either the first or second earliest schedule to get out but when anyone confronted her she couldn't understand why we were so annoyed with her and then it was extremely annoying just working with her i had to look over every order because she got maybe every one stroke 10 orders correct always forgot what she was supposed to do cleaning wise i'd constantly find her sitting in the back then get annoyed when i would tell her to get her butt back up front she worked for about two months just because we needed another person before we could fire her the ud fired her regardless because she called out one morning and blatantly said i just don't want to work then got upset that she was so wrongly fired because she did nothing wrong i freaking hate pampered rich teens this just happened last week actually kid gets hired train him he starts the position second day of work comes in wreaking like weed he gets talked to about it so sorry won't happen again he puts on cologne to mask it but then every day after that he reeks like the cologne obviously trying to cover up the weed smell and this kid looked out of it most of the time he wouldn't follow directions ever would just say he'd do it and then go back to doing nothing then about two weeks in a co-worker sees him coming out of the bathroom with a smoke trail behind him i walked by him and he wreaked off weed again so another conversation with his kid he admits to smoking before work we then report that to hrbc it violates our drug and alcohol policy they call him and he admits to them he was high on the job he then signs the transcript of the call with hr saying it's all true we are then advised to fire him and we do he says okay leaves wife calls less than a hour later screaming that we fired him bc he's muslim we would have no idea of his religion unless he voluntarily gave us that info but he never told anyone he was muslim but it didn't matter to the wife we fired him it must be bc of his religion not that he did anything wrong we actually have another employee who is muslim as well and he is a valued member of our team tl dr kidd gets fired for being high on the job wife claims we fired him for being muslim kid wife muslim hello area manager here had an employee who complained about how a dispatcher spoke to him i told him not to take it personally because that dispatcher talks like that to everyone take it with a grain of salt etc this employee's response was well i'm sensitive same employee often tried to leave work early and then cop an attitude when he was told no he would also pass orders to other employees just so he could get out early by this time my boss and i were wondering how much longer the employee would be with us eventually the employee calls me to basically throw a tantrum exclaim how the job is unfair and be nothing but rude and condescending towards me so i finally ask him so what do you want to do then him i'm ready to quit me k if that's how you feel you also need to let boss know him oh i will to the context of i'm going to give them a piece of my mind after he hung up i immediately removed him from the schedule side note this guy is in his late 30s kevin what an idiot he quit because he didn't get a day off that he wanted and if he didn't he would have been fired after he quit i found out from a neighboring business that he routinely shut the store down and would go to a barnes and noble to read and eat before returning and closing later on hate that kid had a server walk past me in the kitchen looking for the spice rack while precariously carrying a full cup of coffee on a saucer i asked him what he needed he and he replied that he had a customer who wanted bay leaves in his coffee kid had been a server for a while and was a constant pain so i pointed out the bare leaves for him and sent him on his way i did a table check at where the coffee was headed about two minutes later stopped by the bar and had the bartender pour a coffee and baileys first though the customer was still laughing his butt off by the time i made it over we had a guy in a restaurant i managed that scratched his butt in front of the health inspector needless to say that was his last day i was an assistant supervisor on a construction site there is a strict no smoking policy i caught a guy with a cigarette talking to another guy and to keep me from seeing it he shoves the lit cigarette down his trousers because i can't legally ask him to drop his pants he went home an hour later limping that's just precious d the employee that put a customer on hold and talked to her boyfriend also an employee about taking and selling prescription pills and see unfortunately for them she didn't actually put the customer on hold she merely put her hand over the handset to mute it and the customer that called happened to be a really good friend of the owner so i think we fired her at weeks end like two days later and the bf we gave another shot but he was then caught selling pills outside the building i decided to fire him at end of shift had an employee we called big bird because he was huge and wore yellow coveralls it was getting close to the end of the job and people knew layoffs were coming construction so another supervisor and i were doing a walkthrough of the site and we had been wondering where big bird was hiding we looked over and saw him standing at the back of a work truck the other supervisor was p that he wasn't in his work area and wanted to m march over and reprimand him i said wait while we observe the biggest of birds in his natural environment big birds proceed to open a vice on the back of the truck then close it repeatedly for around five minutes just to look busy after the last close-up of the vice he looked over to see us two supervisors staring at him in black shades and hard hats he proceeded to look startled and then walked around the far side of the truck's toolboxes to hide and pretend to look for tools my other supervisor was going nuts at this point and i was like just chill this is the best part big bird then peek a boob around the side of the toolbox and saw we were still watching him his shoulder slumped he knew it was the end finally we walked over and i asked big bird if today was his last day and he said i guess it looks like it i told he catch you're on the next one and he sauntered into the sunset he was a drug dealer but he wasn't subtle about it he would have people come into the restaurant and do deals sitting at a table all while there were other customers in the dining room i don't care what you do in your spare time but i didn't want to be complicit in his activities by just turning a blind eye to it fortunately i didn't have to deal with him the general manager pulled up to the store one afternoon and saw him handing someone a bag of shrooms in the parking lot considering strike one was the day he showed up to work on lsd the gm went ahead and just made the strikes two and three wasn't capable of firing them but i'm a manager we've had a few crazy freaking employees one person was the laziest person i've ever met she literally wouldn't do anything we keep a very clean restaurant and i always strive for 100 on our inspections this girl who i'll just call a work two jobs one at my restaurant and one at a mcdonald's the mcdonald's she worked at didn't seem to have any sort of health standard because she would constantly violate health codes because she felt like it and would be extremely mad when i told her she couldn't but for example putting personal food drink in the produce cooler and spraying chemicals near the food when i closed with her i asked her to do the easiest thing in the whole store before she left restock fortune cookies all you have to do is pour them into a box the box weighs less than a pound and you know what she told me i don't know who you close with but we don't do that b i've literally been working here for two years i'm your supervisor i know what we have to do then there's this other guy that we still have on one day a week i'll call him b b is the slowest person i've ever met and because he's slow he often forgets things like i'll ask him to clean and stick the bathrooms and he'll go in clean one thing come out and stand there looking brain dead for five minutes and say he's done but he did one out of seven things he had to do he was so slow doing that one thing that he completely forgot everything else and he does this multiple times i have to close safe and log cash deposits every night and one night it took me 30 minutes because the money was disorganized and i had to find where it belonged guess what this guy got done in 30 minutes time one thing he took the drink nozzles out of the soda machine and put them in sanitizer water that's all he did and after 10 times of telling him to go back in the bathroom and finish cleaning stocking he still forgot to stock the place up like what was he doing that whole time emergency personnel of reddit what's the dumbest situation you've been dispatched to ski patroller here this kid wandered into the woods off the trail took off his ski boots got cold and started walking downhill in just socks and then shut his pants he then screamed bloody murder until we showed up and put him in a toboggan he was 100 yards from a restroom once during my emt clinicals a woman came in who had been found unresponsive in her car she became alert in the ambulance on the way over to the hospital and when the nurse was doing an assessment the woman stated she had an allergy to ibuprofen when asked if she had taken any medication recently she said she had taken about 6 ibuprofen because she wasn't feeling well and it didn't do anything to me the last two times i took it i got to see what happens when you push epinephrine i got to see it all over my shoes got a 9-1-1 call for an elderly man pnb pulseless not breathing from his adult daughter caller stated that they had been having a barbecue at grandpa's house when grandpa said he was tired and went inside granddaughter found grandpa unresponsive in his recliner and ran outside screaming 911 is attempting to coach the daughter through cpr but she is having none of it ambulance rolls out with lights and sirens engine rolls out behind and halfway to the scene we get a call to cancel apparently grandpa was having a nap not dead just a nap my mom once called 9-1-1 because she thought someone shot at our house when really it turned out to be a firework in her defense it was nowhere near the fourth of july but still i got called out to an apartment where a grown mother and daughter were experiencing severe dizziness and nausea while cleaning out a horrifically filthy apartment after spending a few nauseating minutes in the apartment taking their vitals i discovered that in an attempt to get heavy crap stains out of the toilet bowl they emptied a bottle of bleach and a bottle of ammonia into the toilet and allowed it to soak in while they cleaned the rest of the apartment i had to get a medical eval after that call to make sure that the highly toxic chlorine gas that we were breathing didn't give me any permanent damage last fourth of july a lady got drunk and shot a bottle rocket out of her vagina let's just say the hole must have been too deep bc it exploded without launching and did a number on her future oh my god one time around christmas there was a lady who called 9-1-1 because she was convinced her neighbors were being held hostage and were trying to signal for help by blinking their christmas lights in morse code responding deputy had a long conversation with neighbor about blinking christmas lights and how they are not morse code me a police officer in london responding to a call from a german tourist that there was a very large poisonous spider in the street on arrival on scene i see a very large german male attempting to divert pedestrians away from the scene to prevent the spider from attacking them i bent down to examine the spider hearing our german tourist exclaim he is so brave i picked up the large plastic toy spider in my hand and walked over to show our hero that it was actually a toy he screams faints and hits his head on the pavement i pull out my notebook and regretting my mother's advice that i should have been a lawyer the person who bought that scary spider toy got more value out of it than they dared to hope got called to a motel where our patient explained that he needed to go to the air to get an hiv test he wanted to finally put to rest the rumor that he had aids he was very drunk and insisted that it was indeed an emergency and he didn't care that his insurance wouldn't cover the ride he's also drunk wife came along and it pretty much turned into jerry springer in the back of the ambulance arrived on scene to a guy who was too lazy to get out of his living room chair so his skin had literally weaved itself into the fabric his wife emptied a crap bucket that sat under a hole they cut in the bottom of the chair she fed him all his meals and waited on him hand and foot he didn't have any other problems other than he didn't feel like moving we had to cut him out of the chair it was on an episode of some fat life type of show comma his skin had literally weaved itself into the fabric what i'm from australia and once i saw in the local news that his guy heard noises in his kitchen and believed it was an intruder what actually happened was a giant mud crab had crawled up from the river and was rummaging through his cabinets they interviewed the policemen who went over and they were literally joking and making fun of the guy on the news to be fair a mud crab can take out a level 3 pc in a few hits not emergency personnel but someone called 911 on us because their prescription wasn't ready and it wasn't even for a drug that was immediately life-threatening plot twist prescription for chill pills should have seen it coming wife and i are both paramedics she in the larger city me in suburbia she gets a call for an injured person arrives on the scene to find a black gentleman approach her complaining of head pain she asks how it happened and the patient replies the bee hit me with a smoothie her i'm sorry hit you with what pt a smoothie the bee hit me with a smoothie her how did a milkshake hurt your head pt not a milkshake a smoothie you know a smoothie the thing you smooth your clothes with a smoothie yep he got hit in the head with a clothes iron because he pee off his girlfriend i recently went on a pregnant woman who said she had been walking all day and now her ankles were swollen and she couldn't walk anymore boyfriend saw my reaction and said he'd just drive her yep their plan was for him to follow the ambulance in the car while she went to the air for swollen ankles another was a three-year-old stuck a bic pen up his nose and the end plug came out parents for the life of them couldn't get it out and called 9-1-1 i put my hand out and told the kid to blow his nose on a count of three i closed his other nostril on three and he blew out the end cap sign here please got paige out for a kayaker who had fallen out of his kayak in northern lake michigan dispatcher said a passerby had seen him struggling to get back to his kayak no exact location but a general area given three volunteer fire departments respond we start covering two miles of beach with about 20 people the bugs are terrible and we are having no luck county rescue boat is in route from about 20 miles away and we have won our members launch his personal boat and he is coming from the other direction about 10 miles away boats get on scene and search continues we now have about 40 people looking and two boats dispatched has now notified the coast guard out of travis city and they are on their way with the helicopter i was icy and requested dispatcher to contact original caller for more info well they thought it was more important to drive home than to stay and wait for help so we have all of these people and resources looking for someone that we have very little info about finally a state police officer says he has found a rock that kind of looks like a kayak he gets the original caller on the phone and explains what he is looking at the caller says that sounds like what i seen i guess i was wrong and hangs up three hours and thousands of dollars in resources complete bulls i am a firefighter emt in a mid-sized city and work in a rough neighborhood people would be amazed at the number of ridiculous calls we go on there are too many stories to count and it's common for people to call at 3am saying they are dying but find out that their leg has been hurting for three weeks and they suddenly couldn't take it anymore so they need it checked out the dumbest i can think of however is a person called because they were concerned of an odor of gas if they had just looked out their front window they would have realized that directly across the street were ponds of human waste sludge from a wastewater treatment plant the person had lived there for years some of my best calls muffin cinnamon rolls were from the elderly little old ladies that lived alone were notorious for calling me to light their pilot lights shovel their steps even pick up a pint of cream for their recipe small town cop firefighter emt i would always do whatever they needed because i knew i would have a plate of brownies or a basket of muffins at my doorstep i even got a scarf once but holy crap i still dream about those brownies a pregnant woman who was caught attempting to steal chips from a convenience store claimed that she was going into labor once the police arrested her yep no abdominal incarceritis not me but my husband who was my boyfriend at the time had to respond to call for the fire department but the lady had burned bacon and it was smoky in her kitchen i laughed pretty hard hearing it on his radio my family is probably someone's dumb emergency call story in the past we've made calls for the following one got cut trying to tear saran wrap too thought an intruder was on the roof of the house turns out it was just the sound of snow melting three cats stuck under the treadmill four reported my dad's car stolen turns out his friend took it to pick him up at the airport five stuck in a tree while trying to rescue a cat twice once the cat turned out to actually be a possum my entire family will never forget the time my nan tripped and broke her hip we called an ambulance however my nan refused to go with them because she hadn't put her makeup on yet so we sat around chatting to the emts in the kitchen while my nan sat at the table putting her face on with a broken hip for a good 20 minutes to be fair your nan when i broke my ankle leg it took about 30 minutes before the pain really kicked in once it kicked in holy crap i was in shock coast guard flight mechanic we got a call that there were multiple flares being shot off about 10 miles offshore we fired up the hello got on scene and searched with no results turns out the person who called it and was a guy getting wasted in his waterfront home looking out the window those flares it was the reflection of his cigarette in the window every time he took a drag nineteen-year-old male smoked marijuana ate lasagna and is now feeling unwell it was a code three call emergency but not urgent no lights and sirens this was in york region ontario i've had some funny language barrier issues we got a call once for a hanging the dispatcher came back to add on there were two males hanging from a telephone pole we got there and checked the area and advised the dispatcher to call back the complainant she came back and apologized that there was a misinterpretation it was two suspicious males hanging around the telephone pole in a similar vein we got called for another hanging a 12 year old male hanging from his bunk bed we got on scene and the family said he was actually hanging from a fish hook on the wall i was like oh crap this is going to be nasty further investigation revealed the fishhook had just snagged his pants while he was climbing down from the top bunk no injury at all i nearly became the idiot who calls 9-1-1 for something stupid when i worked at a hotel overnight i glanced at the camera feed to see what was going on around the property and i saw a dead body at the bottom of the pool i grabbed the phone and started running toward the pool i was going to call 9-1-1 on the way but the stupid office phone was again not working but then i opened the door to the pool and realized that someone had left a huge beach towel in the water and it had sunk to the bottom dispatched for an unconscious person at a bus station show up on scene turns out it's just a homeless dude sleeping ask him if he want to go to the hospital explain that they won't really do anything but it will give him a place to stay for a few hours and he'll get some food guy says yes we start talking a history any chronic medical conditions no do take any medications nope any medication allergies that you know of yeah i'm allergic to psych meds how exactly do you know you're allergic to psych meds some [ __ ] with doc decided i'm bipolar and schizophrenic but that ain't freaking true looks like you maybe should be in the hospital not me but a friend of mine is a cop and he told me the story about an older lady who had called 9-1-1 for a ufo so my buddy and another cop show up and after a few questions the realize the ufo in question was in fact just the full moon dispatch to a call of a suspicious package at starbucks they said the backpack had been sitting there all day eod opens the backpack and it's filled with dildos i was called to a convalescent home at 3am i had been sleeping in my ambulance for chest pain i arrived to check vitals and take assessment she was gassy to be fair gas can be extremely painful sometimes add anxiety to that in panic ensues we had a call to a farm where the farmer was trapped following a structural collapse three engines and a user crew head on out to the address where we are directed to a distinctly not collapsed chicken shed the farmer is inside lying face down under the casing of a ceiling fan which had fallen off the roof and bopped him on the head he was lying perfectly still and being used as a vantage point by a number of chickens and was convinced he was paralyzed from the neck down as everything felt cold and numb after giving him a quick check over we asked how long he'd been there he guessed it had been about two hours before the farmhand had found him two hours on bare concrete at night in october okay fair enough so a bunch of us get ready to move the casing only for one guy to brace sooner than the rest and accidentally lifted himself it was thin aluminium rather than steel and weighed basically nothing he could have removed it himself at any time somebody with better self-control than i explained to him that he wasn't trapped and no he wasn't paralyzed he was just cold we had an ambulance with us and they checked him over for hypothermia but the worst he had were many many peck marks from the chickens who had seized their opportunity for feathery vengeance got called to a smoke report in our district person's description it smells like wood we arrived to her home in the forest and she said it smells particularly like pine today no mention of smoke we confirmed it did intact smell like pine when we arrived case closed run came in as an outside fire turns out it was a flaming bag of ducky on a doorstep i wasn't even mad but happy the tradition lives on i once called 9-1-1 because i thought my neighbor was beating his wife they pulled into their driveway went into the house and then i heard high pitched screaming and a man yelling shut up over and over my friends and i woke my mom up after i called 9-1-1 because we were so freaked out turns out our neighbors have birds who like to scream when people come home responded to a call for 88 uf complaining of weakness at a bus stop it's 9 a.m and our first call of the day walk up to find a little old lady slouched over on a bus bench moaning after we help her up into the ambulance she asks for us to not ruin her medicine well medicine is h and she's weak cause she was able to get a hold of some good stuff now i'm the kind of guy that wouldn't mind knocking an overdose two milligrams iv just before rolling in through the air but i just couldn't do it to granny so we gave her nebulized naloxone and lo and behold it barely touched it but we had to give her a full dose iv and she still was zonked a little bit whatever she was using was some good stuff and i doubt she ordered it from readers digest went to a call where a woman had locked herself out of her car with her child inside we arrived and try the door handle and sure enough it's locked she shows us the keys and how the battery is dead and won't unlock the car so we take the keys inserted into the lock and take her kids out she had apparently no idea that the key had any function other than the ignition coast guard here my first unit was a larger ship that's not normally sent to do the hero work that you see on the weather channel mostly we did counter narcotics patrols off central america but we were home ported in the pacific northwest near some notoriously gnarly waters which were usually the purview of the small boats and hellos the only time we spent more than a day in them was after a fairly intensive maintenance period so we could ensure that all the work that was done would hold up at sea these shakedowns were usually two or three days somewhere just off the coast of our home port we were on our way back in from one such shakedown which had already gone a little awry after a helicopter broke down after landing on our flight deck in the middle of the night we were sent over 180 miles from our position and inbound course to search for a recreational boater who had left a harbour in washington and not been seen in five days his wife reported him missing to the local coast guard sector which sent us on the case as the nearest asset they also dispatched a helicopter crew a smaller patrol cutter and a small boat to do search patterns for this guy keep in mind that given where we were at the currents could have carried himself of san francisco in four or five days but we searched our little 100 square mile box anyways for two days there were two coast guard cutters a helicopter with a flight crew bouncing in and out from shore and various small craft looking for this guy that's around 120 dispatched coast guard personnel not to mention local authorities and civilians out on the water who had heard the radio broadcast about him the search was called off after the guy was found in mexico having never even gotten in his boat it was still moored up where he left it he just told his wife he was going out and then got on a plane to mexico apparently planning to stay there we were two days late getting back to port with a 10-week patrol looming just a week after that i hope he got fined so bad that he crap for his bees i'm in the coast guard and we respond to dispatch water rescue calls we had one last summer where we responded to a call of a person in the water off a cliff by the beach from the call it sounded like a surfer so we launched a boat sector launched a hello and i went with another guy in our f-450 as a shore party we beat everyone there and immediately started scanning the water to get a better view we drove onto the beach by that time the boat and hella was on scene doing search patterns they searched for a good 30 45 minutes before the hello stopped and hovered over something in the water the reporting source was at the top of the cliff and was asked to confirm if that was the person they saw in the water she said that it was the hello asked again if she was positive that's what she saw once again she was absolutely sure it was it was a crab pot boy had a resident call and let my office know he contacted 9-1-1 because he swallowed some toothpaste while brushing and didn't want to die the same place a year before a kid threatened to swallow a whole bread without chewing so he would die it was a suicide threat so we had to contact nine one one i got called once to a regular for general medical in the middle of the night i get there and she meets us outside at the ambulance i ask her what's wrong she says i'm dry down there i say puzzled down where she replies down there again puzzled half asleep down where she says i was having sex tonight and normally i'm wet down there when i'm having sex but tonight i was dry something is very wrong she is extremely adamant something is wrong so i just tell her to get in the truck cause i don't feel like wasting any more time get to the hospital and the doctor looks at me over his glasses and says in skeptical tone what's wrong tonight i say she's try down there with a smirk he was puzzled as i initially was and says down where i sat down there and pointed down with my finger he sits there for a few seconds pondering this and replies to me well you know how to fix that i lost my crap not mine but a co-worker told me his story he was dispatched to a schizophrenic woman who said that a bee had flown up her vagina and was eating her from the inside she was very self-aware and accepting of her illness but claimed that it wasn't the issue the medics didn't know what to do so they auscultated to listen for buzzing sounds dispatched to assist police for a reported assault arrived to find a year old tried to start a fight with a 40-something year old guy cause he was standing near his gf after they had a fight 20-something year old shoved the older guy and he knocked the kids front teeth out so the kid gets in his car and waits to try and run the older guy over when he leaves the bar mrs the guy somehow gets stuck on the curb and the older guy pulls him out puts him on the ground and calls the police that's when we arrived and took guy smiley to the hospital four hours later we get called for the emotionally disturbed person guy smiley escaped the ed and tried to drown himself got scared and decided to sit on the side of the highway cutting himself with glass took him back to the hospital two hours later smiley's gf calls 9-1-1 cause she is feeling suicidal after the whole ordeal it was an awesome 4th of july for all of you responders thank you some of you i have no idea as i could not see at the time responded to my airway obstruction recently and transported me i felt like a celebrity when i walked out of the air completely fine after and the nurses at the front desk were so happy to see the airway obstruction all the better and walking out the door yes guys are heroes my daughter had to call for me and i was transported without shoes they couldn't clear me at home so we ran lights and sirens to the air and i had to hold my head and neck in a certain position to get air and could not see anyone thank you for saving my life i answered a 9-1-1 call that a lady placed because the light bulb in her closet was burned out when i told her that wasn't an emergency she asked if i could fax over a request her apartment office to have them change it i'm an emergency physician so i've never been called to anything but i keep a list of all the stupid crap that people have called an ambulance for my favorites are one toothache i mush have been in a good mood because even though this idiot woman called an ambulance for a toothache i offered her a dental block when she realized this meant i would be putting a needle into her mouth she refused then left without anything even being done too pimple a woman in her early 30s squeezed a particularly stubborn pimple on her top lip then called an ambulance because it was numb and tingling she was convinced she had done serious damage when i told her she would be fine she demanded a cab charge prepaid taxi voucher to get home three rehab chronic alcoholic called the ambulance because he wanted to get into rehab we don't have impatient rehab at our hospital he was supposed to attend appointment for rehab at another hospital earlier that day but was too busy getting drunk to attend when told we don't have drug and alcohol services after hours either he demanded transfer to a hospital that does demanded to see my supervisor told him it would be a long wait that is not going to happen saw him getting loaded into a police car on my way home from work a federal building for some reason to dial out they dial nine then one if they happen to hit one again as is custom prior to an area code then have dial 911 and it goes to dispatch pretty common in fed buildings actually 10 year 911 medic here i don't know where to begin because there are so many one response always sticks in my mind it was about 4 a.m and the call came in as a person having trouble breathing in bed when we got to the basement apartment we found a 40 yo male sitting upright in bed the guy was upset and proceeded to describe a bad dream he just had he said he felt like someone was chasing him and he couldn't get away and how scary it was he said he woke up startled and breathing heavily and sweating we checked his vs and he was fine i said it sounds like you had a pretty bad nightmare and he agreed his wife was rubbing his chest in sympathy he did not want to go to the hospital and signed our refusal i have a student job working in a downtown core where there are four homeless shelters surrounding the top tourist area in the city part of the job is being a first responder as well as making sure the homeless population do not harass the public after two years of working here you start to build relationships with the homeless people and so one day i came across a man i knew quite well we'll call him malcolm so malcolm had always been a pain in the butt and liked to harris and intimated tourists he did not like me at the time because i had been the last one to call the cops on him since i starting work there he has slowly been losing mobility and at this point was using a walker i knew he had a pretty severe pain color addiction and was also a heavy drinker so when i found him passed out on a bench one day i decided to check on him i asked him if he was okay no answer i nudged and asked him to wake up no answer i give him a little shake and said a little louder malcolm at this point he opens his eyes and just stared at me i asked him if he was all right he said no one closed his eyes i said do you need medical attention he opened his eyes paused and likely said yes i think i took too much so i call 9-1-1 while waiting i was having a hard time keeping him coherent and awake and he was fading in and out of consciousness and i'm worrying more and more about him the wee woo comes flying around the corner slams on its breaks and the paramedic hops out to see what the problem is and all of a sudden malcolm sits up stretches looks at the paramedic and says i told him not to call i was just napping and then hobbles away on his walker i had no idea what to say to the three officers and two paramedics they thought i was so ridiculous still a great story though and you have to hand it to malcolm for being that clever what's the dumbest funniest thing you've done with the boys in college we would play a game called birth guys would pull two of the dorm mattresses onto the floor and a guy would climb in between the two think freshmen sandwiched between two cheap twin mattresses and the rest of the guys would dog pile on top of the other mattress and we'd time how long it took him as he crawled his way out i feel claustrophobic just reading that [Music] went to mexico with the boys and after a day of drinking on the beach decided to swim in the ocean we kept finding rocks until we found a rock about four feet long it took all six of us to go under the water and lift the rock out and onto the beach the whole time chanting and grunting like cavemen we used to go off-road on a 700-acre 4x4 park and also camp overnight so a lot of the times we will bring extra fuel well more than once we had the fuel stolen when gas was 4.5 a gallon one day a few of us were at a large construction auction and they put up a lot of around 35 gallon gas cans like who in the heck wants that many at once so we all chipped on and got the lot for like 40 after that every time we went out we would leave two of them sitting at camp with 4.5 gallons of water and 0.5 gallons of gas all summer long people would steal them put it in their eggs and then be screwed within a few minutes when the motor stopped running for just 20.25 each we were able to completely stop all gas theft at that park and would laugh our asses off every time someone stole the sabotaged fuel the owners of the park found out what we did and gave us the original investment money back in free admission for all of us that's absolutely epic you guys are amazing three am myself and four others walking around our local park they were putting new equipment in it and taking out the old stuff lots of dirt and grass found a bobcat with keys in it one guy driving three guys in the shovel booted around for a bit until we got bored we had a beach party theme for the night that no one else but us was in on we snuck pool inflatables and giant beach volleyballs into the bar by hiding them under our shirts jackets and wore goggles bermuda shorts or bathing suits lifeguard shirts etc the bouncers bar staff didn't know whether to be annoyed or amused but everyone on the dance floor had a blast just bopping the ball around and playing with the inflatables we just shot the crap with people met girls it was a fun night i love this me and the boys having a little kick back at rental place go outside to have a smoke and the neighbors are doing the same they're all our age so we started chatting and they mentioned they were moving in the morning for whatever reason we all decided to help them get packed smoked a few bowls got some more beer and proceeded to pack up the entire house it was oddly super fun a few times we'd find something like nerf guns and all get distracted playing with it then go back to packing didn't take too long and we left the tv and ps4 plugged in so we could play some games good times never saw those other guys again but one of them gave me a tent he didn't want any more so that was cool i love stories like that they used to make me really sad but as i've gotten older i've come to appreciate things that don't last forever found a six foot tall stuffed scooby-doo stuffed but stiff had the little beads inside sitting next to someone's curbside trash can took it put it on top of the car all four of us had our windows down and were holding the thing onto the roof of the car driving around on the main dragon like 2pm in broad daylight at one point another group of friends following us in their car called us on our cell phones and told us to toss it to them while we were moving basically let go of it and have it fall back towards them we did it cracked their windshield but they didn't catch it legitimately have no explanation for any of it other than being dumb teenagers when a giant scooby-doo is involved no explanation is required back in college i had an apartment with my good friends one day we got high and started chanting and marching around like gorillas banging our fists on the floor this went on for an indeterminate amount of time until some girl who lived below us started banging on our door and i answered and she screamed at us asking what the heck are you guys doing walking around like gorillas she left and we burst out laughing ate together strong we flooded the locker room by clogging the drains and running all the showers then poured soap on the floor and used it as a slip and slide not the most sanitary thing ever but it was fun off the athletic director made us mop it all up and we all had to clean the weight room before school every day for a couple of weeks but it was worth it [Music] kayak jousting finding a beach setting up camp and getting lost in the forest for two days while eating shrooms and smoking all of our weed literally the weekend right after we went to a diving spot not really a cliff but it was a good 15 30 foot drop we were jumping off and climbing back up now i have a friend and ice where he should be dead by now i've seen him get hit by a city bus try to fight a deer with his bare hands and he's even crashed numerous vehicles but ends up unscathed i thought he was for sure done after seeing him tumble down the 20-something foot hill bouncing off of rocks and trees on his way down but he stood up dusted himself off and asked anyone if they had a spare sig cause he had a headache now we've done some stupid crap but i'm amazed he had survived it all he's currently working on getting certified for border patrol and i can't think of a better man for the job or mayo dang your borders will be safe forever then we're christian so we knew god didn't tell him that that's the only reason you knew god didn't tell that guy to sex you up maybe he was talking about a different god who knows i'm pretty sure some god told him you guys should have sex climbing power line towers 20 years later and the hair on the back of my neck still stands when i think of it dumbest and scariest for sure how i did this too for the thrill funny part is no one believes it whenever my friend tells them i climbed it playing a song me and my buddy made on the ukulele called gyrodus on night to a few cops we were drunk high and just finished taking a couple lines the song was literally us yelling gyrodust as if we were an escrimo band [Music] i was young kid and my dad took us down to florida one of these hotels that had indoor balconies overlooking an indoor pool i met this other delinquent kid there we became buddies during this vacation and got into some crap together we were hanging out on his balcony when we realized his balcony was directly over the pool we came up with the idea to see if we could poop directly into the pool we were probably 10 or 11 years old whoever had to crap first would do it he did and went into the bathroom came out with a turd on a paper plate pushed it off the plate with a plastic fork and it plopped right into the water and it sunk right to the pool bottom people were in the pool nobody noticed it people occasionally came close to it but never quite touched it while we were dying of laughter eventually this old lady stepped right on it took her a minute to understand what it was but she shrieked bloody murder everyone in the pool booked out of the water like jaws was in there she was shouting and rinsing her foot off with a hose while everyone was standing around looking at one another with suspicion eventually the blame fell on a little boy who was crying kinda felt bad about that there was a table of teenage guys playing cards and they were laughing so hard at the scenario p off the old lady that the card game had to stop play because they were doubled over in laughter amazingly nobody ever blamed us even though we were laughing uproariously from the balcony btw i am a mature adult and did not laugh smile smirk or giggle one bit writing about this ghastly moment in my childhood life where i was obviously less refined cultured and mature 1. there was an old abandoned factory not far away from where me and the boys lived and we pinched a few pallets from there and dragged them to the top of a really steep hill behind it we decided to play a game where one of us at the top of the hill would set fire to the pallets and roll them down at the others the ones at the bottom would have to dodge out of the way obviously more points of you waited until the last second to move two we also pinched a few squares of light sheet metal maybe 15 centimeters across in this game each one of us has a stack of sheet metal and a stick you'd use the stick to parry the sheet metal while trying to ninja star throw yours at everyone else the game usually ended when we had too many close calls and someone gave up there are so many more things like this but these are my favorite memories honestly i don't know how one of us didn't die before we turned 16. lol have fun with your antics and friends while you're young you'll remember them forever and everyone has similar experiences well thanks for telling me too late sheesh we tried to shoot a christmas tree out of a cannon on my we trimmed the tree down to make it a snug fit in the pipe put a fitting on it to fit a fuse into then put about 3.5 pounds of gunpowder into it the tree fit almost perfectly down onto it we lit the fuse and got behind some bulletproof glass one guy had for some reason the tree went about 50 feet through the air the bottom couple inches of it were gone the pipe was gone the yard had a crater in it it was glorious we later found pieces of the pipe on the neighbor's roof stuck into trees and a hundred yards away laying on the ground after seeing the aftermath we looked to see how big a pipe we would have needed to contain the blast it turns out we needed steel that had thickness measured in inches rather than cheap pvc from home depot crowd surfed to the front of a moshida folk metal outdoor gig when the crowd was really widely spaced out we'd been drinking meat all afternoon and they decided to pick me up and just run me to the front then throw me over the barrier this happened a few times then we formed a worm danced jigs and stole each other's hats what is folk metal and what kind of renaissance festival party is this that i'm wanting to take part in [Music] we tried to take my book century my first car i was 17 through this dirt path in the woods that we knew of made it about oh 300 feet before it got stuck in the dirt terrified to tell our mothers especially mine what we'd done we called each friend we knew in to help us get this thing out after two hours spent chugging energy drinks and brainstorming and through the greatest feature in golf engineering known to us at the time we built a road for the car to drive on using sticks our shoes and rocks we scavenged from the woods we escaped with our lives and my mother shall never know it was probably my greatest memory from my teenage years bunch of sweaty hyped up teenage boys chanting and building a makeshift road at night in the woods 10 stroke 10. i rode around long beach island on an early 80's girelli mope that wasn't registered towing my three buddies on longboards cops chased us good times we also rode around on little 50cc hondas at night just running around the island the cops really liked that at a cadet camp we had a long rectangular room with a staggered bunk bed so our room leader michael told us on the last day to push all the bunks onto one side and we made this giant bunk bed that was like 20 meters long and all the mattresses were sort of line up so we had this 20 meter long sleeping pile on top and below the bunks luckily we had a super chill instructor so when he walks in he just asked what did your [ __ ] do why and fix it in 20 minutes when i come back was probs my fav memory from cadets looking to join the army soon and though i know it may not be as goofy as cadets i hope it can be as fun guaranteed to be just as goofy and wild and stupid especially if it's us army nothing gayer than a bunch of straight dudes out in the field for three weeks the riskiest and dumbest was probably sneaking off base while forward deployed at the uae for reference the uae is a dry country so no easy access to booze naturally we needed a pass to go off base so we'd be tracked and couldn't do anything stupid so obviously we did not get a pass and found a way to sneak off base cause getting dumb drunk at a restaurant and singing karaoke like the dummies we were best part was daring one of our quieter guys to talk to this lady sitting by herself happy to say they hit it off and none of us went to jail back in college one night we thought it would be a great idea to break into our college stadium and shotgunner beer at midfield so we hopped the fence short gun some beers and threw up then on our way out decided it would be a great idea to climb the scoreboard tower as soon as we go to the top two cops with ars were pointed at us from below we had to all slowly walk down one at a time and were all handcuffed we smooth talked the cops and they let us go with a few citations dumbest probably either fire soccer or wizard fights wizard fights are shooting each other with the 10 shot fireworks you can probably guess what fire soccer was thank frick one of our scooters got stolen we were already discussing nifty 50 jousting fire soccer sounds like that miss american ball game [Music] vegas over spring break with the guys it was first weekend of march madness celebrating my 23rd birthday and away from the grind of college in the midwest granted this was early 2000 so before the hangover movies most of the day time was spent in the sports books at caesars and day drinking there ended up being a small riot fight breakout between a bunch of college brothers fighting over the outcome of a b-ball game or crap talk i forget which we bounced right as security was getting there went to see a cirque show while blazed out of my gourd then hit up ghost bar afterwards supposedly britney spears was there and one of my friends got punched in the mouth by one of her security guards convinced some dude broth that one of our friends was the heir to the miller brewing company and the proceeded to buy us all our drinks then got a vip ticket to one of the strip clubs and i can't recall what exactly happened but when i came to we were at the fat boy burger at 3 am and my best friend was being applauded while screaming at the top of his lungs fat girls need love too i had on basketball shorts over college i did not attend and i had someone else's wallet stuffed with cash yeah that was just friday night too we stayed until sunday bro i was born here imagine what my 20s has been like breaking into the local school and shooting fire extinguishers at each other's eight-year-olds faces turns out it will suffocate you i swear to this day i almost died 10 year old me and my friends would just go around at 4am with a samurai sword and chop everyone in the local area sprinklers and watch the water shoot up as an adult eye though of the thousand of dollars and damages our dumb asses did and i feel bad about it we usually rented a soccer field near our school to play soccer after the school time one day when we were walking the path to the field we decided to ring someone's house and if someone picked up say something silly and run it was a long time ago okay then after we ringed his bell the guy buzzed us in without asking who was it in the moment it was scary and we ran colon dude was probably expecting someone already was on the nc outer banks right where the wright brothers did their first flight this becomes important later for a buddy's wedding and the morning of it was windy i mean really windy like 50 plus mph sustained windy all of us groomsmen are engineers so we decided that we could make flight we ran out to the hardware store and bought the largest tarp they had plus turnbuckles rope and counterweights and flew the lightest guy the best man like a kite for several minutes before his arms go so tired that we were worried he might fall and die this was in the middle of the day right in front of the nicest hotel on the island the groom's wife thought he was involved and she gave him so much heck car surfing driving down country highways in the middle of the night standing on the roof hoods of our cars and jumping back and forth between vehicles i've done so much dumb crap in my years i'm surprised i'm still alive just reading this gave me road rash thanks [Music] just before we graduated high school me and my high school friends decided to go camping at a popular spot if i remember correctly we didn't have tents probably some rope and tarps but we had a bunch of beer the next morning we started up our campfire again and decided to see if we could make a bottle of beer explode you take a beer bottle drink half the contents then force the cap back on tightly then throw it in the fire once the beer heats up the bottle explodes sounds fun right we used a high abv domestic beer i think it was bud ice and tossed it in we waited and waited and waited some more could see it bubbling but no action we got impatient so we began throwing rocks at the bottle eventually one of us got lucky or rather all of us the bottle exploded and when it did it blew up our entire campfire after a loud bang and a huge puff of ash flaming logs went flying everywhere along with broken glass and the rocks around the campfire some logs flew far enough to land near the river about 30 feet away fortunately no one was injured i won't say this is the dumbest thing we did but it ranks up there back when i was about 18 my friends and i phoned up every single takeaway in the local area and got them to deliver to one house in the town we had been drinking all day and me and another mate had formulated the plan in the uk back then at least you could start numbers with a prefix 141 i think which meant your number wouldn't show up in this anyway presuppose that the takeaways had anything other than a simple landline we picked that house because we could see it from where we were the people on the other end of the phone could clearly hear that the house was busy so we were able to put in some pretty massive orders from them of course the noise was the rest of the lads ordering from other takeaways it took a little while but it wasn't long before the cars started showing up at this house the first couple of drivers pulled up and it was a bit of a fast for them but clearly quite funny the next few start showing up and the probably perfectly nice couple who lived there were starting to get a bit flustered and angry by the time the drivers started forming an orderly queue of about 10 cars at a time the couple were standing in the garden apoplectic with rage and screaming their heads off one time me and the boys tried to take down a group of corrupt superheroes and expose the corporation that created and sponsored them needless to say it got pretty wild we crash a boat in a whale classic freaking diabolical my friend took me gnoming in high school that's where you cruise around retiring neighborhoods at 3am looking for the biggest or most unique gnome you can find and drive off but that's not the whole point kids who just steal gnomes are amateurs as they explained on my inaugural gnome hunt they used a sharpie to write the address of the house where it came from on the bottom of the gnome then we took those dangnoma everywhere with us for about two weeks and back then polaroid instant cameras were the thing you snap a photo and it pops out of the camera but we took him to the beach we took him fishing even got a great photo of him in the back of my convertible going over a suspension bridge we took him to parties where my friends were already known as the gnome guys and all these drunk girls kept wanting to get their picture taken with the gnome this gnome had the best two weeks of his life then one night at about 3 a.m we went back to the same house and put the gnome exactly where we had found them but we put all the polaroids into a ziploc bag and taped it to the gnome so his owners could see everything he'd done on his vacation girl with majority boy cousins growing up oldest cousin put his hand in a hole in the tree a squirrel bit the tip of his finger off me and the boys decided to drive by grapple hooks and mailboxes we decided the b pillar metal structure between the front and rear windows was a good time down point for the grapple hook line so with my buddy leaning out the don't window of my buddies mid 90s mazda hurls the hook out of mailboxes as we go 20 miles per hour down the road now in my buddy's sedan the rear window does not go all the way down maybe two stroke three of the way down so he hurls the hook and it catches the mailbox and immediately goes fully taunt and the robe anchored at the bottom of the pillar loop through open windows shatters the window all over me in the back seat so we drive off and abandon the hook which i'm sure someone found the next day very confused so we get back to our empty parking lot near friend's house to assess the damages it dented the frame the windows move in and as mentioned shattered the window so we were in our late teens with not much money and still feared our parents wraith my buddy without saying a word walks behind a building and returns with a cantaloupe sized rock places it in the back seat and drives home doesn't say a word and is woken up to his mom saying someone threw a rock through his window they never found out he broke it till years later as adults so many things this one is without sex and drugs we stole a reserve gas tank then we poured out some of the gasoline on a back country road in some woods in the middle of the night every time a car came on the road we lit the gasoline on fire making a firewall on the road this was in the 90s so no phones to call the cops we laughed a lot and probably scarred some people for life in middle school we decided we would try break the world record for largest ball of tinfoil we realized it was a stupid idea about 80 bucks into the attempt lol then a tinfoil ball about the size of a volleyball stayed in my friend's basements for years we held a memorial for when we finally threw it away going to dollar tree hires a kite with the best homie never really had of the boys we walked from my house to a little sewer area nearby and smoked there had a lot and we were both really high we walked into dollar tree with some serious munchies there were two events that happened on separate occasions since we liked dollar tree for munchies my friend was new to smoking and couldn't control his voice volume he was trying to act natural in the store and was just idly talking about what he was getting problem is he was doing it really loudly well then get some reese's pieces and some sour worm crawlers and some m and ms screaming this crap in a crowded little dollar tree eventually i leaned over and just said you're freaking yelling bro he then stopped and the realization hit him we got out asap then died laughing second event was when we were in line at the store we acted okay but our eyes were very red there were two karen type women without masks on one of them had a river of items and was taking forever to get rung up the other with her husband complains that it's so slow the husband turns to my friend and i and says well look at these guys they aren't even here right now we didn't say anything and just looked at them the wife then said oh yeah totally and turned around my friend also caught a glimpse of a dude trying to look at his eyes afterward we laughed about it for about 10 minutes then got super paranoid they were gonna call the cops amazing times cans claim responsibility for this one but unfortunately i was there in high school at the mall with some pals hit the food court and then the bathroom right after i was in a bathroom stall and my buddy in the next one he whispers over to me to move my backpack i didn't know what he wanted me to do that for but i moved him away from near him next thing i see is a wad of toilet paper drop down with his turds on it it landed right under the wall separating us wtf dude i yelled out next thing my friend did was use some of those perfume sample vials they handed out back then he opened like 10 vials and poured it all over the poop and tp mess and then lit it on fire he ran out of the bathroom cattling with laughter him in the middle of pooping and had to wipe my butt in a hurry wash my hands and leave the bathroom it smelled so badly the burning crap and the burning teepee ashes floated all over the bathroom i got the heck out of there so i won't be blamed for the nasty mess what and butthole funny and creative but i wished he had given me a bit more warning oh man that is hilarious i would definitely be the guy that ends up in your position hahaha when the boys and i started smoking weed we often found ourselves smoking in strange but discreet locations one of those locations was a storm drain there was a tunnel a little further into the woods that would lead you to an open room full of graffiti and this is where we would unwind and get high we did a lot of dumb crap down there and apparently had the cops called on us a number of times due to weed smell or noise the thing is though they could never find us and we never knew we were being pursued all in all great times were had [Music] the boys and i were officially graduated from high school and we were gonna do what any other high school dumb [ __ ] like ourselves would do get blackout drunk high play video games watch movies and eat a bunch of crap well while we were discussing the plans in the car on our way to one of the boys houses that said boy had accidentally pocket dialed his mother so when we arrive at his house for the festivities she is waiting in the dining room with all the alcohol weed and paraphernalia she found in his room sitting out for us to see we ended up spending the night completely sober and it was miserable throw away because of illegal activities oh man in retrospect this was all very stupid and we're really glad nobody got hurt but this is our dumbest story we started this one evening with what we called vodka odds vodka and full throttle which made us fighty and then we went down to a popular street in toronto to bar hop a lot of pieces here are missing but we ended up stealing what i believe was a five featuring tall lamb from the front entrance of a restaurant and took it to a nearby school where we played hot potato with it until we all ye eated it through a basketball hoop and were cackling like banshees we then found a box of ceramic mugs on someone's front lawn there was like 30 of them i'm not kidding so we took them naturally and i remember distinctly telling my buddy to wait till we got somewhere else to throw them at each other only to laugh hysterically as he nodded and said oh yeah wait till we throw them while taking them out of the box and casually lobbing them at us we then found a high school that for whatever reason i think they'd had football practice or something had i crap you not around 200 empty plastic gatorade bottles but thus began the great gatorade bottle war where we ran around screaming and pelting each other with gatorade bottles for what seemed like an hour at this very same school they had two 12-foot tall dumpsters that had been brought onto the property to get rid of all the chairs and desks seriously you had to climb a ladder to get into these freaking things so my buddy climbs into it and announces that we're going to have a chair party and starts chucking chairs out of the thing the chairs were a bit wet so he said he was going to dry one off with fire he attempted to light one but it didn't work because it was too damp we quickly abandoned the idea of the chair party and decided to go across the street from the school to get some pizza whilst waiting drunkenly in line i noticed people gathering outside the pizza place and pointing across the street to where we just were i quickly noticed that red dumpster had a roaring fire in it my eyes bugged out of my head and i very casually walked over to my friend and tapped him on the shoulder and said we need to leave now we got the frick out of there and once we were a block away all took off running and separates directions and laid low for a couple days i never got caught for it but looking back i really feel like it was too perfect to have all those things on our path of destruction as though it was divine intervention or something or we were just a bunch of hooligans looking to destroy everything in our way what's the stupidest thing you've heard a person say aloud in public i don't need to get vaccinated my dad's a chiropractor i hope he can massage the freaking measles out of your bones you nut she also thought that dinosaur bones were planted there my mom has brought this up to me a few times over the years me four years old at the grocery store asked the man in front of us why he was black he laughed and asked me why i was white i said i don't know and he said he didn't either and that is why racism is dumb i also asked an old man why he had so much earwax it was a hearing aid lovely reply from the man i grew up on a cattle farm a woman about 15 years older than me i was 16 asked me after you cut off the meat from the cow how long until it grows back so you can cut more i wish so badly that she was freaking with me she was not now that's sustainable farming i am a nurse so i ask a lot about medical history and current meds me what medical problems do you have patient none me do you take any prescription or over-the-counter meds on a daily basis patient yes my blood pressure pill and lasix me so you have high blood pressure and heart failure patient no i don't me so what are the medications for patient my blood pressure and heart failure done this happens all the time it's also disturbing how many people have no idea what medications they take that and asking about family history no you are not at risk of developing cancer because your mother-in-law had it [Music] i was in a briefing about sexual assault prevention air force group the 06 asked us if a female subordinate came to you with allegations of sexual assault or harassment in the workplace what would you do a staff sergeant with zero fricks to give raised his hand and when called on said sir i gotta be honest i wouldn't believe her the whole room went silent and we watched the 06 burn a hole through this guy with his eyes the 06 then said that is the worst possible answer you can give me people during a power cut i lost faith in my entire family my eight-year-old dad can i watch tv me the power's out my wife but you could use the laptop to watch netflix until the battery goes me darling the power's out wife that's why he has to use a laptop me but we have no internet while the power is out wife internet comes over cable not the power lines me the modem that brings us internet is plugged into the wall outlet the powerless wall outlet because there's no power because the power's out we have no internet wife well try plugging it into a different wall outlet that's when i just went upstairs comma that's when i just went upstairs hopefully to plug it into another outlet [Music] the moon's distance from the earth is less than 100 kilometers when corrected he just said well then it's probably 110 kilometers if the moon was teleported to 110 kilometers away we ought to prepare for armageddon i have posted this before but i went to college in a small town and every thursday they would have a mobile dmv when i had to get my listens renewed they were having trouble with the internet the woman in charge instructed the other woman working there to shake out all the wires because sometimes the information gets clogged up in them on the flip side i used to work for tech support for a large internet cable company i ended up having to white light at people and tell them to take the coax cable off the back and touch the tip because sometimes static builds up and affects the picture if i didn't say this absurd thing people wouldn't actually do it my friend who was a senior in high school thought senior discounts would apply to him it led to an incredibly awkward back and forth between a taco bell worker shortly after 9 11 my wife and i were in the uk on the way home the customs officer at the airport was dead serious officer are you a u.s citizen wife yes officer it says here you were born in new mexico so when did you become a u.s citizen wife at birth new mexico is in the u.s officer no it isn't it's in mexico that's why it has mexico in the name um just like new york is in york which is in the uk not me but my dad has heard i set out all these bird feeders and bird baths but not one bird comes to my yard i bet it is all those pesticides that crop duster is laying down in the field local school board member as they were standing in her five-acre yard with 20 or more cats running around so in actuality she just established a very elaborate bird trap traveling back from berlin to the uk i was sat next to a couple whose conversation had me wondering if i was being secretly recorded woman to her husband i wish we had managed to get to the beach in the seaside in berlin it looks so lovely from up here do you think we'll go over the channel on the way home i'd prefer to go around and travel over land all the way is this snowden we're going over now we're descending into manchester i think this is the same cloud we went through on our way out comma i think this is the same cloud we went through on our way out i'm going to say this at the end of the flight next time i fly just to see the reactions [Music] co-worker at my old job while we were setting up for black friday it's pretty crazy that black friday actually falls on a friday this year tell them that halloween falls on a friday 13th this year p during my stints in hospitality is that the ocean i wanted ocean view it looks like a lake nope that is the pacific ocean but hey take a big drink if you're not sure guest called down at midnight annoyed as heck demanded we turn off the fog horn while she found it nice for ambience during dinner now at 2am it's annoying sure we can just don't mind the giant tanker that may or may not crash into your room can you hold the sunset tonight i need good pictures for my facebook i'm sure i thought she was kidding nope dead serious can you hold the sunset tonight holy [ __ ] in retaliation for 9 11 we should bomb the taj mahal birds are mammals right no they're birds i know but they're still mammals right i heard some people debating whether birds were mammals or primates eater wow thanks for the gold teenager one we have an exchange student in our class from brazil teenager too where's brazil teenager one i don't know i think it's a small country in africa somewhere she speaks portuguese teenager too why teenager one i don't know i think they just like it at least they got the language part right colon him i'm vegan but i still eat chicken and turkey so can i get a cuban a sandwich with pulled pork and ham made with turkey instead of the ham me sure so do you want me to take the pulled pork off or make it with double turkey him no leave that on me visible confusion okay he comes back later with his lady all mad saying he wants a new sandwich because he didn't know pulled pork was from pig and he doesn't eat pig because he's vegan i also forgot to mention the sandwich comes with cheese he didn't complain about that part it honestly breaks my brain that people can become vegan without actually knowing what foods are made from animals not even obscure things like gelatin or hidden dairy content but meat was leaving the theater after having watched fellowship of the ring overheard a guy tell his friend i don't get it how come it ended just like that and the friend replied tolkien wrote the third already but he's still working on the second oh and the first book will be made last don't forget went on a date and was trying get to know this girl me what kind of food is your favorite girl um i really like australian food me haha yeah like throw another shrimp on the barbie how how girl no like real australian food like they have at the outback girl genuinely thought the restaurant the outback steakhouse was australian food [Music] chickens are not animals they crap eggs said a friend who was trying to explain how she can eat poultry and be vegan at the same time pigs don't have blood my co-worker trying to explain his belief that pigs don't have a heart blood or veins which is why they're white meat her ivory comes from elephants ebony comes from rhinoceroses me ebony is a type of wood her god your dumbass me you both wrong they both come from pianos two grandmas talking in france well there is definitely more wind ever since the fall of the berlin wall they were dead serious i heard that as a kid and i still laugh at it i would have asked them if they remembered the archaic windy days of pre-war germany there is a starlet in my country who's famous i don't know for being famous i guess here are some of best offs translated i would bulldoze down church of saint donut built into 9th century and build an older one greetings to my parents especially mom and dad i'd love to have more self-confidence in other people i'm always included in mobbing i have five mobile phones she never ceases to maze e for all those asking for a name a redditor in the comments below mentions it i'd love to have more self-confidence in other people i don't care about logic i agree maybe haven't heard but the first time i purchased a coffee at a starbucks the barista asked me if i wanted it hot or cold i said what's the difference she looked at me and just said hot or cold i heard two girls talking about baking when one said she wanted to try baking a bread at home but she didn't know how to make the crust of the bread she also said she was thinking about baking the crust only because she liked it more than the rest of the bread she truly thought that the crust was made separately there is a japanese bread in which thr crust is made separate from a different dough but that probably wasn't the case he heard on a crowded bus she's half white half black and half chinese i swear i could almost hear everyone with an ear shot collectively face palm half man half bear half pig man bear pig i got 400 days absence in a year but still past high school friend dropped this when we were measuring dongs on how we got away with things this sounds like an updated version of the four yorkshire man sketch i've probably heard worse at some point but i remember sitting in a starbucks on campus and this girl was telling this guy about her trip to italy and at one point the guy goes so where do you want to go next and she says i've never been to europe before so hopefully that lol hope she had a chance to visit paris the capital of europe an upper t woman to a server in a restaurant do you know who i am do people realize how ridiculous they seem when they try to throw their weight around like that i always hope that the reply is i've no idea madam that would really grind their gears [Music] girl do fish sleep me of course they do her oh yeah they sleep in finding nemo so they must do me that's a cartoon her defensively yeah but it's based on a true story question a recent poll shows that one stroke five of americans can't locate the us on a world map why do you think this is answer i personally believe that u.s americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and i believe that our education like such as in south africa and the iraq everywhere like such as and i believe that they should our education over here and the us should help the us and should help south africa and should help the iraq and the asian countries so we are able to build up our future forgot about that gem you don't eat bacon because you're an atheist right yeah it's one of the atheists 10 commandments which we must follow to get to atheist heaven does myself count i was shopping with my spouse after our child was born we were in the baby aisle she picked up a bottle of baby oil which prompted me to ask aloud wait baby oil is actually for babies a woman who had been walking into the aisle laughed audibly and immediately walked away go to flush the system and replace the fluids every three five months newer models don't need as much maintenance [Music] in college i wrote a paper on one use plastic water bottles in the paper i suggested banning them one girl in the class was like well where the heck are we going to get water from the lake outside lmao everyone laughed at me like i was the stupid one the normalization of one use water bottles is one of the dumbest things that has ever happened while driving around mexico city person one wow mexico city is huge me yeah i think it's one of the biggest cities in the world american girl now texas sounds like she's from texas city my friend has said two of the stupidest things i've ever heard we were discussing climate change solutions in class and she says can't we fill the hot air balloon with all the carbon dioxide and send it into space and regarding deforestation why don't we just clone fully grown trees standing at the foot of the jesus statue in rio de janeiro i heard an american ask his tourist guide are these mountains natural or man-made well they say that faith can move mountains so maybe it was a joint effort late to the party but this one stands out to me at the dmv girl sitting behind me talking to another lady yeah her 12 month old has to be at least i'd say at least a year old now my former gf who is a freaking mathematician argentina is in europe when i asked her why did she think that her justification was that messi plays for barcelona and spain is in europe another former gf was constantly afraid italians and or germans might invade greece any time like they did in the past and took me years to persuade her to visit italy with me where she at last understood italians are like us and friendly as heck she hadn't left greece ever before the complete and utter lack of any geopolitical knowledge of people baffles me i have more examples like these from more people and i blame the education system for not making history and geography fun for the kids as an argentinian i can assure you we are in europe but only buenos aires or at least that's what we seem to think a bit late to the party but i heard a woman explain to another woman how planes don't actually fly from america to europe they just hang in the sky motionless while the earth moves below them until europe appears and then they land imagine a debate between this woman and a flat ether i was visiting stanford when my friend and i saw a student and her friend walk up to an autonomous security robot and shout oh my god how did they fit someone in there what are you talking about bread doesn't go bad coma my roommate getting ready to make a sandwich with a green and purple three-month-old low-fat bread honestly family feud is filled with such amazing examples q at what month of pregnancy does a woman begin to look pregnant a september q name a state from the letter m a mexico q name an animal with three letters in its name a i kid you not he said with full confidence alligator q name something that comes with a summer storm a apparently snow q name one thing that follows the work pork a a pine q name a brand of fuel a first guy said regular and the next guy said ethel q what does your husband do when he runs out of clean underwear a he takes a pair of mine as said by wife q name of famous willy hey willy the pooh i love this show so much q tell me a man's name that starts with k.a kentucky fried chicken q name something only worn by children eh clothes queue name a part of a telephone a the bottom part my cousin is a good guy but he doesn't think before he talks one time we were at this event and the guy speaking a white guy gave a shout out to his son my cousin looks at the kid and goes rather kids legit chinese yes people can adopt kids or have interracial marriages what a concept needless to say i pretended like i didn't know him for a while he doesn't think before he talks comma yes people can adopt kids or have interracial marriages what a concept you were probably exactly right about the didn't think thing i think we've all said things when we were surprised even though we actually knew better my gym has just refinished the men's locker room it came out that there would only be personal showers not community ones i overheard two gentlemen in their 60s 70s this is all because of the millennials what are millennials younger people you know they've never been in the army or navy what's the stupidest thing you've ever done because of your anger i am gonna go ahead and say i'm not the only one who has been mad and punched something too hard injured my hand and just became even more enraged in pain dropped new phone in parking lot punched side of car had cracked phone and dented car anger is dumb when i was an early teen i was playing in a baseball game i was up to bat and the crazy parents of the other team were talking crap to me really pilling it on an inappropriate i grounded out a third which made me snap i turned to the crap talkers grabbed myself and screamed suck my freaking dong to this day i am embarrassed for how i acted even as a 14 year old yeah in my opinion your behavior was completely justified your only mistake was apologizing frick those parents and people like them when i was in law school i was having a particularly difficult time with my computer i couldn't open something or save a file or whatever and in my frustration i slammed my computer down on the surface in front of me i thought that since i was sitting on my bed nothing would happen wrong whatever i did fricked up my computer to the point where they couldn't recover any files or fix my computer so i had to buy a new one and i had to start my assignment all over again probably hit the hdd while it was reading something i did the same thing in an instant all files were gone i could replace the hdd though i started fighting with a mascot guy dressed up as mickey mouse it was in one of the most popular tourist places in my country so a lot of people around he kicked the crap out of me back when camera phones were a new thing 2004 or so i got angry at something unrelated to my phone and threw my weak old camera phone against the wall the only thing that broke was the camera so i didn't have an excuse to get a new one just had to deal with the consequences of my stupid behavior for for two years carrying around an expensive cameraless camera phone my old roommate got p off while talked to his mom on the phone and threw his new original motorola razer like a ninja star at the wall at full strength it actually stuck in the wall and we had a razor-shaped hole in the wall for the next few years my girlfriend and i picked up chips and cuiso for a movie night after heating up the cuiso and carefully carrying the bowl into the living room i happily went to set it down on the coffee table except it slipped and dumped about half of the precious gooey goodness all over the table i went into a silent rage not just because i wasted so much glorious cheese but because we only had that one jar i went to get paper towels in my blind rage i couldn't get the roll off of the holder so i grabbed it in full force ripped it off of the wall like a gorilla then while trying to rip off towels to wipe up the mess i was fumbling to get the sheets to rip correctly i then threw the roll as hard as i could across the room paper towels trailing behind like some kind of absurd toiletry comet i've since dialed down the anger a bit and have built a new paper towel holder my girlfriend found the whole situation hilarious and was trying to keep a laughter to herself the entire time comma absurd toiletry comet look sun there goes brawny's comet get a good look it only comes around every 75 years or so it appears in the eastern sky over cuiso falls a mix of anger and laziness i cooked up some steaks on my george foreman went to clean it after but got annoyed that the gunk wasn't coming off so i threw the entire thing in the bin did the same thing with a crock part spent ages trying to clean it off finally got irritated and carried the whole thing out to the dumpster when i went fishing for the first time with my brother i got so frustrated trying to bait the hook that i tossed the rod right into the water whereupon my brother pushed me into the lake to fetch it that's a good brother ripped a 1990 vintage england shirt up when we got knocked out of euro 96 literally ripped it off myself like the hulk smh one of the very few regrets i've ever had in life don't worry they have been quite crap since through all the groceries on the floor while letting out a war cry milk split open green peas went everywhere it looked like a food bomb had detonated hahaha love it my wireless router so i ripped the cables from it spiked it hard enough on the ground to dent my hardwood floor and fracture the board inside of it pee that i hurt my floor i took the router into my kitchen and stabbed it so much so hard with a screwdriver the screwdriver broke and stabbed me i like how all you had to say was my wireless router and everyone gets it punched a hole through my dash because my cd player skipped after hitting a bump i immediately quit taking the antidepressant i was on because that was so far out of character for me never done anything like it before or since as i was watching guran lagan my brother of age 10 pooped in front of the television so as a big brother i helped him clean off the crap as i was wiping his crap off the floor he got annoying he splashed his crap around and asked stupid questions got annoyed and in my anger i bashed his head at the wall after a few moments blood dripped from his forehead then drips turned to stream i immediately grabbed another towel and wiped his forehead and as i do i felt guilty of my actions and started to cry as he described he never felt that much pain as i would expect as of now the part of his head where i hit him never sprouted hair anymore on that day mom discovered me covered in poop blood and tears when i was young i got angry at cartoon network for taking dbz off at night and replacing it with yugo i was so upset i started stabbing my yu-gi-oh cards with a crappy knife and ending up cutting my hand pretty bad instant regret broke my 120 logitech headset because i nerd rage while playing league also busted the hard drive on my laptop because of league also punched a hole in my desk because of lol i stopped playing league i had similar stuff happen because of pubg i play that game in small doses now and i ensure i don't take it seriously i ripped my nintendo 64 out of my cabinet walked out my front door and threw it off the fourth floor balcony onto the flight line fence on a military base in italy they did not admire the good distance i got rip in spaghetti never forgetty blew up a 5 000 engine i had a really crappy day and decided i'd take my project car for a spin the engine was freshly rebuilt and still in the break-in period i took it out and was redlining it through the mountains when a piston seized and blew out the crankcase brand new engine was toast this is why i love games like beam ng drive it's so satisfying to pulverize a car into dust but without it being your car rather than because of my stupidest anger itself was yelling at a box of pasta for falling off a shelf as if it were a human that freaked up and could understand what i was saying at the end of what was already a really bad day i can't stop imagining a grown man yelling swear words at the top of his lungs at a box of spaghetti on the floor while i was already pee i opened the fridge and a plastic bottle of mayonnaise fell on my foot that made my last bit of sanity perish i grabbed the bottle and threw it to the ground which made the cap break off and proceeded to kick it through the room splattering mayonnaise everywhere spent the next few hours getting screamed at by my mother and cleaning the mayonnaise off the floor and walls i was seven months pregnant when i get a call from my sister crying that some girls showed up at her house and beat her up in the driveway in my crazy big sister pregnant hormonal state i thought it was a good idea to grab a pellet gun i had hop in the car and chase the bee down waving it to them and threatening their lives this was 18 years ago and i'm still so grateful nobody called the cops on me i've also been known to throw phone books at people when i'm mad for some reason there's always a phone book nearby when i pee at my siblings pretty sure they're the only reason they still exist in my world for throwing but gary everybody uses the online phone directories now we don't need to keep making phone books no bob there's people out there that need them when i was like 13 i had a flip phone and i was a little salty about it me this phone sucks dad it's a great phone what do you mean me snaps phone in half and throws it across the room i got very little sleep the night before and was arguing about some dumb stuff i didn't get a replacement phone until i was 14 it was another flip phone when i was young i just hit a girl in the face because my friends constantly repeated to me that i was in love with her so i got angry and wanted to prove that they were wrong you took out your anger on the wrong person their mate that is absolutely infuriating though i'm still a little mad at some of my friends for doing a similar thing a couple of years ago punched computer screen heard my hand broke the screen doesn't sound too out there did i mention that i did it over a bloody game of hearts girlfriend revealed to me she was faking it for my benefit something i had said before was a horrible idea due to my insecurities my depression-related stress boiled over and i got aggressive immediately regretted it went to therapy and eventually broke up thankfully i am now in a much healthier position and i'm 3.5 years into a relationship with a wonderful lady ex-lass i checked has successfully completed chef school and is in a relationship with someone better for her smiles all around d in my youth i break check the guy who was tailgating me his car fishtailed then ended up spinning and stopping 180 degrees toward oncoming traffic my anger at being tailgated could have caused harm to him or other innocent people i've never pulled that stunned since even though tailgaters still pee me off what you do when someone is on your butt is just start slowing down very slowly foot still on the gas but not enough to maintain speed so you're losing a few mph per minute eventually you'll be going at or under the speed limit forcing the tailgater to deal with it or get around you it's not particularly aggressive but it is effective punched a girl in the face in the middle of class and then walked out yes she deserved it but i shouldn't have done it would like to hear more about this one my girlfriend is great at planning things ahead of time but i am great at getting us out the door she was lollygagging one day and i said honey are we leaving or are you sorting the mail we're leaving it looks a lot like you're sorting the mail what am i missing it doesn't sound terribly mean but you should have heard the tone of voice i used it was very mean i apologize like three minutes later no malignant not the stupidest but the funniest i was off of my bipolar meds and i got so mad that i was having pizza for dinner that i started sobbing my dad grounded me from my gamma cube one time because i said suck my butt [ __ ] boy when he asked me to do the dishes so i stole his phone and took a bunch of pictures of my dong and emailed them to all his co-workers with a follow-up email that said oh no my sexy butt son must have taken my phone again haha sorry fellas and not an hour later the cops showed up to my house and batista bombed my dad through my dad through my dad through my dad through my dad through my dad through my demoral of the story as if you're reading this dad i am coming for you when they release you from prison in 2022 nobody takes my freaking gamma cube away i dropped a grilled cheese sandwich while taking it off the stove got pee and kicked it burning cheese splattered all over my leg my foot the cabinets the carpet the curtains the wall and even my dog kicked my brother in the nuts so bad that he had swelling and he had to get an x-ray done it was over nothing totally unprovoked i'll never forget that feeling of pure sadistic hate for no reason i immediately regretted it and never forget it out of fear of letting myself ever be consumed by rage again never had anger issues before and never since i honestly don't know what came over me i cried a lot and begged for his forgiveness which he gave i have a great relationship with my brother and would never like to see him harmed i mean i love him my own actions really made me question my sanity that day i was on my lunch break and had stopped at mickey d's for some delicious nuggets i'm one of the few who likes honey with their nuggets instead of the regular sauces so after waiting in the drive-through line for freaking ever i finally get my food and head back to work with minutes to spare now let me preface this next part by saying that more than once i've been given honey mustard instead of honey for my nuggets and it's one of those stupid things that gets me a rationally pee off if i wanted honey mustard i would have asked for it how hard is that freak anyhow back to our story i'm waiting to turn into the parking lot at work and i reach into my nuggets bag to make sure i got the right source knowing full well i won't have time to go back if it's wrong i know as soon as my fingers touch the sauce packet freaking honey mustard i pull that sucker out of the bag like it owes me money and in a blind rage i throw it as hard as i can why i'm still not sure the source packet is smashed open from the force of the throw and splatters somewhat artistically over my dashboard and passenger window now i'm angry i have a huge mess to clean up and most importantly i have zero source left for my nugs defeated i go back to work and ate some dry but plain nuggets i left the stain there for a while to remind myself to be less of a dumbass and also to check my order before i pull out of the drive-through stupid honey mustard funny cuz the mcdonald's i live near has given me honey instead of my honey mustard pretended i was driving my friend's car when she got caught by a speed camera we have a system called penalty points if you get 12 points your license is revoked for a year she had nine points her speeding offense would have given her another three and she'd have lost her license i filled in the form and said i was driving i had zero points so it would have been fine for me police turned up at my house to arrest me for having no insurance to drive her car and i couldn't admit the lie or we would both been screwed i got banned from driving for six months and a fine for having no insurance colon die in saints row the first one the only good one go to take a pee pee rage still boiling inside me furiously flush push lever so hard it breaks the second one was good too the third is where they fricked up hard not quite anger but i was driving home from college for the weekend after getting dumped in my emotional state ended up going 90 over a 65 mile per hour zone i got a 400 ticket got so upset about the ticket on top of everything else that i ended up going the wrong way on the next highway for about 40 minutes in my hasta harry home i turned a 5.5 hour drive into a nearly eight hour trip i was playing goldeneye for nintendo 64 and trying to get the invincibility cheat to unlock it you have to beat the facility on zero zero agent in under two minutes for that to even be possible the scientist has to spawn in one specific location so it's only possible twenty percent of the time one time i was doing great and the scientist was exactly where he needed to be i rushed through the end of the level opened the doors got to the victory screen and saw my time 201 i was so angry i threw my controller turned around and punched a hole in my closet door my dad was not happy with that i work at a bank and i really didn't want to work that day cause i hated the manager at that branch i was helping another bank branch that day so i went to the break room and set the electrical box on fire i got off work for the day and that branch got closed for a week holy crap that's insanely reckless as a child nothing could quite get my temper blazing like super mario brothers i used to play it on my game boy advance sp and get so frustrated when i would die on the same level for the 19th time one time i finally lost it and accidentally snapped the handheld in two pieces not me but my ex-husband backstory he was an angry violent man he was driving my car with me in the passenger seat we're beginning to argue so his temper was flaring up while he's driving and yelling at me he hits the steering wheel in frustration seconds later we hear a car horn honking continuously this pisses him off even more screaming who the and percent of his honking at me and i quickly realize it's my car that is honking i wanted to laugh so hard but i had to compose myself otherwise i'd be hit next i calmly told him it was my car and he hit the steering wheel again and sure enough the honking stopped the look on his face was priceless he felt so stupid the rest of the ride was a quiet one oh and the next day it was raining hard and cold outside we're in our apartment chilling and we all of a sudden hear a car horn honking continuously i looked at him and smiled he promptly got up grabbed my keys and walked outside to turn my car's horn off lawnmower bag kept falling off the back while trying to mow front lawn tried to bend tabs to make it stop ended up gashing both hands open through bag across lawn followed by lawnmower which i broke and then had to fix to finish mowing lawn wife watched the whole thing and laughed hysterically which caused even more anger so when i was 17 i was driving around in my parents car 05 ford focus with my gf at the time back to her place standard stuff needed to take a left missed the protected green arrow so i waited until the light went red and it would be all good as the incoming traffic would stop wrong started my left and a lady flew through the intersection going approximately 15 over the speed limit according to insurance investigation in a dodge durango hit me in the front right tire so hard it spun us around to a 360 grateful we didn't flip and i wasn't a foot forward as the gf would be dead from a t-bone collision and somehow we escaped pretty well often the first thing i did when i got out to a scream of the lady that hit us what the frick were you doing you freaking idiot again i was 17 and all i could think of was how fricked i was instead of how lucky i was that nobody was seriously hurt my parents car was definitely totaled and done for the ladies car had her engine block dang near at the steering wheel would i lose my license will my parents ever let me drive again my gf's mom is deaf not letting me drive her daughter again well my anger cooled a bit and i made sure everyone was okay but i was still upset ended up being ruled as my fault even though two witnesses claim i had right of way and she ran the red with her daughter in the front seat like wtf and i stay convinced to this day that it was because i was angry and mean to her and the police officer who seemed like he couldn't be bothered to take care of us that night a tl dr lady ran a red totaling two cars in the process got ruled in my fault probably cause i was mean to her and the cop at least in ontario that would be your fault joint fault in best case scenario making a safe left turn i was so upset that i accidentally broke my computer while trying to clean it with windex that i grabbed a box of eggs and started to chuck each egg in any direction in my backyard stabbed myself in the hand with a steak knife i was holding a tub of ice cream and trying to scoop out some but it was frozen solid so i was not having any luck i got pee off and grabbed a knife needless to say it went through the ice cream quite easily and into my hand i may have an ice cream addiction and actor rationally when i cannot get it i was in the throes of drug addiction at the time but i beat the crap out of my brother like broke several bones in his face he's been incredible to me though and supported me as i got and stayed clean i also once smashed my work computer and rage and frustration i would not speak to my brother again if he did that to me i remember having really bad pms once and being really irritated my tights had run so i emptied out my underwear drawer to find a replacement pair then i felt my nose was snotty went to get some tp from the bathroom but it wouldn't unravel properly so i smashed the roll of tp against the system lastly my lips felt chapped so i emptied out my makeup bag looking for a lipstick my then bf said i could tell where you'd been you left a trail of destruction then i saw the funny side and calmed down whilst my bf did an impression of a busted up roll of tp got mad at my mom for doing something and decided i would throw my phone against my bed to get my rage out forgetting i had left a plate on their earlier phone hit plates and then rebounded into the wall and smashed to pieces and i ended up just angry at myself for being so dumb cops move my car without telling me move it to an illegal parking spot a bus stop where they then tow said car two hours later what other blood boiling moronic cop stories do you have i was at lax picking up my parents there are cars everywhere so it's stop and go an airport cop waves me over to a spot and i go over he tells me to turn the car off as soon as i did it he began writing me a ticket for parking in a loading zone he told me to do it always point out to them the mistakes and try to argue with common sense my buddy got stopped for dui although when the cops found him he was not in the vehicle and it was completely closed they asked him to get in and park it in a real spot he got in started it and was promptly told he was under arrest for dui after doing what they only just told him to do my car was parked on the street legally in the town my college inhabits and my car got hit so hard by another car that the force drove it up partially on the curb i go back to my car and there's a ticket for parking on the sidewalk on my windshield by the campus police i pretty much tore that police station a new one my mom and i were sitting at a busy intersection waiting to turn left in all four directions there were double left turn lanes a single straight lane and a single right turn lane we were in the right most left turn lane just waiting blinker on my mom remarked that there was a cop behind us but neither of us thought much of it the light turned green with the arrow so we turned left the cop behind us instantly flashed his lights and pulled us over when he came up to the car we were confused as heck you made an illegal turn he said from the turn lane my mom asked that wasn't a turn lane that was a straight lane you were in the straight lane but turned left mom and i just looked at each other um that was a double left turn lane just like in all the other directions the cop got testy no it was a single left turn lane and you screwed up i think he was starting to doubt himself a bit though as we kept staring at him with bewilderment and looking at each other he ended up letting my mom off with a warning i drove back to that intersection the next day and of course it was a double left turn in every direction not sure what burr was up the cops but that day at least he didn't write us a ticket he let her off with a warning because he realized he was wrong but didn't want to admit it my stepdad is diabetic so me and my mom were somewhat trained to deal with diabetic emergencies one night he goes into hypoglycemia and isn't responsive there's blood everywhere later on we found out he'd bit his tongue during the episode and he's just generally seizing and scaring the crap out of us naturally we called an ambulance i had to stay home my mom took the car and followed the ambulance as she arrives at the hospital she frantically tries to find a parking spot she sees a cop and asks him if parking at the spot she's at is all right the cop says no it's a no parking zone but since it's an emergency and she's just trailing the ambulance she can park there and he'll take care of it after the returns to the vehicle a few hours later ticketed for a parking violation by the same cop who told her to park there as for my stepdad he got better what an absolute dong move my car was near a shooting i wasn't allowed to move it because it was in the crime scene so i ended up with a parking ticket because it was a two-hour parking spot ytf did the parking authority ticketed while it was in a crime scene i fought that one and one though parking authority are not the brightest crayons nor the sharpest bulbs my mother used to tell us a story of when she was a young teacher and had to drive somewhere she parked her car on the side of the road and the local council came and built a bus stop around her car while she was doing whatever she'd gone into town for when she got back she'd been given a fine i never believed it but i enjoyed hearing my mum talk of the bus stop conspiracy after a night of hanging out playing video games in my parents garage at the ripe age of 18 i decide to take about seven of my friends home since i was the only one who could drive it's about 3 am i am literally pulling my old uravan out of my own driveway when two squad cars charge up both sides of my street block me in and then four more cars two for each side of the street roll down and further block any traffic from entering the street a cop walks up casually demands to know where i live and what i'm doing out so late i hand him my license point to my house and then gestured to the crowd of peace staying teenage boys cowering in the back of my van they had gotten a noise complaint about two hours back staked out the sight paraphrasing from what i remember of that conversation one thing to point out was street cleaning had been that day so the gutters were cleaned the cop accuses of smoking marijuana and that he can tell because it has a sort of sweet smell let me tell you read it i hadn't started smoking pot yet but when i did i tried to identify that sweet smell nine years of medicinal marijuana later and i still haven't smelled anything sweet the cop even went as far to say i am lying and picks up a burnt cigarette butt out of the gutter and threatens to have me charged with littering this was what broke the camel's back at once all the friends in the back start cracking up with loud laughter my one straight edge friend wipes his tears away long enough to say sir you can do that but you'll lose [ __ ] bhaginta has never smoked a cigarette in his life red face the cop walks away and we spend the next 15 minutes laughing our asses off at all the cops who tried to back out the street they'd so expertly blocked i swear it looked like something out of a benny hill tape we have a saying in san clemente california it's illegal to be 1822 in san clemente cops are so bored in that town it seems fitting side note i found out the next day that cigarette butt had belonged to the one friend who walked home he saw all the cops tossed his butt and dived under a car and watched the whole thing scared shitless sounds like my town our cops have four wheelers just so they can bust kids for drinking in their backyards most backyards are about a square acre it was my birthday and i was just getting out of school i pull out of the parking lot behind two buses with another bus behind me somehow the cop thinks i was going 40 in the 20 but the buses were doing the speed limit so i get hit with like a 350 ticket that the court refuses to lower because it was in a school zone tldr stuck between school buses cop thinks i was speeding hit with a huge ticket my brother and i both had nice cars when we were in high school the deal with my parents was that if we worked and had good grades they would buy us each a nice car my brother had an older corvette which he took great care of one night he and some friends are hanging out at sonic eating ice cream and shakes and just shooting the crap they're leaning against the hood of my brother's care and one of the girls spills her peanut butter ice cream explosion mouthgasm or whatever they sell there on his car so they all decide to drive to the car wash about three blocks away and wash it off little did they know two police officers had been watching them because they assumed that a high school kid with a nice car absolutely must be a drug dealer my brother did not do drugs when they get to the car wash the cops pull in all fbi rage style and handcuff my brother and his friends and then break out the drug dog the dog commences to lick the peanut butter ice cream which has been clearly spilled on the hood this causes the two officers to get huge cop boners because they classify that as a hit meaning that drugs are in the car they proceed to search his car and call my parents informing them that my brother is going to be arrested for possession of drugs there was one little problem they didn't find any methoding drugs my mom and dad jump in their car and haul butt to the car wash ready to beat the crap out of my brother for being so dang stupid they arrive and are informed of the situation my dad immediately begins to attempt to strangle the officer in charge for being such a [ __ ] piece of crap in the seal how my dad didn't get arrested for trying to kick that cop's butt is a mystery to me the cops finally release my brother and his friends after my mom points out that there is ice cream on the hood and the cops refused to demonstrate that the dog was signaling for drug possession and not just licking some delicious peanut butter ice cream not even an apology was given tl dr a police dog's love of peanut butter ice cream leads to my brother being handcuffed and my dad attempts to beat the crap out of an officer drug dogs are a load of bulls so many tests have been done to show how more often than not dogs are influenced into false hits by their handlers the only real place i could see drug dogs being reasonable risk of false hits versus risk of not checking at all would be places like airports when they have them just sniffing luggage and whatnot worst case they open someone's bags for no reason i was waiting outside my friend's dorm building at 2 am waiting for pizza that we ordered pizza guy came gave me my pizza and i tried to go back in the building but the door was locked and i didn't have it that could get me into the building so i knocked on the glass door to try and get the personal attention who was on the phone inside then i just got tackled to the ground and someone is yelling calm down i replied okay then they put handcuffs on me i was completely confused because i was drunk and i thought it was a friend who tackled me not a cop this cop kept screaming at me to calm down while i was just sitting on the ground not doing anything or saying anything then the pizza guy goes over to cop i saw the whole thing and this isn't justified he started asking the cop for his badge number so he can report him for tackling and handcuffing me for no reason eventually after they had a yelling battle the cop let me go but i lost a pizza tldr cop ruined my pizza if by justice you mean spending countless hours to break even add no punishment to the guilty parties then yeah justice good point damn it i have not once not twice but three times almost been run over by a cop while riding my bicycle they don't seem to think red lights or stop signs apply to them and here is a nsfl story seriously don't freaking read this it is not funny it's probably not even interesting and i'm not a good storyteller but it feels good to get it out of my brain every so often i was in guatemala on the highway heading back to the airport in guatemala city that there are cops everywhere in guatemala not the kind that pull you over for speeding but the kind that carry huge automatic weapons that are looking for anyone involved in drug trafficking or whatever else i don't know anyway they would ride two cops on a tiny little motorcycle totally unsafe while driving our rental truck down the highway that day once of these pairs of motorcycle cops was weaving through traffic cut me off and i almost hit them my husband nervously half joked oh don't hit the cops haha not 10 seconds later the same idiot police ran into the back of a small pickup two vehicles in front of us spilled off their bike and were run over by a large heavy dump truck type thing one of them survived at least as long as we stayed there and only his legs had been flattened the other was not so lucky watching flat and legs guy crawl desperately towards his obviously very dead partner was the most gut-wrenchingly terrible thing i've ever seen then we actually had to get out of our truck and move their bike out of the way so we could leave no way in heck were we staying there as witnesses i have no idea how the law works in guatemala but i wasn't about to find out comma flattened legs guy i know this isn't supposed to be funny but got pulled over in louisiana first question out of his mouth is do you have any large amounts of money anywhere in the car i said yes i have 100 in the glover box this was 1995 and i was a broke college student that was real money then he goes in the glove box pulls the cash out of the envelope that said happy birthday love grammar and walks off he then gives me a ticket for excessive acceleration mind you wasn't speeding wasn't redlining takes my license says we're keeping it until you pay up i can escort you to the station mind you i have no license just a receipt for it he gave me he does so at 80 miles per hour where i'm forced to pay up turns out it's perfectly legal to seize any and all cash in a car the standard is suspicion of drug activity you do not have to be guilty of anything for them to take all the cash you have ftp seriously my cousin was on a highway entrance ramp when a cop came speeding up behind him it looked like the cop was going to barrel into him so he assumed it was an emergency and pulled over to let the cop pass said cop immediately pulled him over and ticketed him for reckless driving my uncle works for the city government and had a friend with access to the highway camera footage there was a camera with perfect view of the entrance ramp my cousin and his friend spent a day looking over all the footage to try to find the incident they did took it to court and got the cop suspended justice people forget that local gov state fed cameras are public property and subject to requests for information justice nine months later combined with countless hours and trips wasted dealing with the situation is hardly justice i just assume that things like this because i've paid countless unfair tickets and dealt with bureaucratic bulls i have paid a ticket i knew was unjust and wanted to fight but it would become a game of my word against the police the cost of the time spent fighting it would be more expensive than paying it it's a shame that things like this are the case i was legally parked and the woman in front of my couldn't get out she called the police they came towed and impounded my car i paid to get it out then went to a hearing to fight the tow as illegal the person who was not a judge but a desk only type of police officer i had a copy of the police report from the tow company who were at a loss to why my car was towed which stated that my car was legally parked but that i could not be found in the woman needed to leave for work i pointed that out to the dong behind the desk and he said he to talk to the cop to come up with a reason for why the car was towed and that i would get a letter in the mail i got a letter saying i was being investigated for a hit and run they filed false paperwork to cover their own asses and i lost 500 for the tow and release wtf the only way to fight it is to go to the supreme court in oakland on a day that i can't get off from work so i'm fricked and just give up unless you make more than 500 dollars a day at work i would find it worthwhile for you to pursue this a little bit further don't let them get off easy for screwing you i don't know your situation but i'm sure most bosses would be fairly lenient if you told him her this story once my friend and i were kind of driving around aimlessly not speeding or anything she is one of those drivers who always goes the speed limit all of a sudden this cop car comes up behind us pulls into the other oncoming lane drives up beside us then slams on the brakes it was hilarious looked like something from a movie and pulls us over so we're kind of like hum i wonder what we did he comes up to the window and all you see is huge guts right in front of us he tells us we were speeding in a school zone which we absolutely weren't so we politely disagreed then he said well you weren't wearing your seat belts which of course we both had on for the whole drive but so again we politely disagreed he then said well okay then just remember to drive carefully and he drove off he didn't argue with us or issue us a ticket just drove away was very weird we were living in hawaii and i had my four kids in the car with me the cops like to set up seat belt checks and stop everyone and give out tickets for no seat belts i stopped for the cop standing in the middle of the road he looked at me my daughter in the front seat my daughter behind me in a booster seat my infant in the middle of the back seat in a rear-facing car seat could barely see my other son sitting on the other side of the car seat said he wasn't wearing a seat belt and to pull over to the side of the road i looked back couldn't see anything but the top of my son's head so i pulled over got out checked him he was wearing his seat belt but apparently the cop couldn't see it by the time the cops had worked their way down the long line of people they were writing tickets for we had a different cop writing my ticket i told him my son had been wearing his seat belt you just couldn't see it over the baby car seat he starts being all angry and then asks for my license my husband was military and the law is that as long as you have a valid military if your state of record license is valid even if it is expired the cop insisted i was wrong in that he could arrest me right there in front of my children if i didn't take the ticket for not having my son in his seat belt i took the ticket checked the law when i got home took my ticket to court and got it thrown out one time i was visiting a friend of mine who lived about an hour from where i live when i was walking back to where i parked my car there were two police officers in my backseat tearing my car apart for drugs open alcohol bottles as i approached and asked why this was happening their response was we got a call that you are here drinking and are planning on driving home drunk i had not had pee any sip of alcohol but officers refused to breathalyze me using your destroyed just look at you as their response apparently i always look drunk they didn't find anything incriminating in my car also i thought a young officer walked up to me with a blue rag he found used to open my oil tank and said oh so you're a [ __ ] why don't you throw up some freaking gang signs and maybe if you got them right we'll let you go i told him he was being ridiculous i am far from a gang member and he was just trying to set me off i was told that i had 45 minutes to get a ride home an hour away at 1am or i'd be arrested luckily i got the ride but my car was towed and a 12-hour hold was put on it i ended up paying 280 for not drinking or driving but felt like a total bad but because the receipt says i was endangering the public i haven't been back to that town since tldr i got accused of being a gang member and had my car towed for not drinking and not driving i guess the red rags i have in my toolbox make me a blood thug life i had all four of my car's tires get slashed in my girlfriend's front yard one night a few years back chilliwo to fl outside of orlando seminole county sheriff didn't notice until i tried to drive to class the next morning called the cops and they came out and did a report the cop that came told me to leave it right where it was on the side of a very rural very low traffic road take the wheels off and bring them to get the tires replaced that i would be fine leaving it on concrete blocks right there so the next day i get my roommate's pickup drive to my gf's house put it on blocks and take my wheels to the used tire place like 30 minutes away i was gone maybe three hours total in that time another cop who was filling in for the guy from the day before saw my car on blocks assumed it was abandoned and had it impounded the best part is that because there were no wheels on it they broke the concrete blocks out from under it with a sledgehammer dragged it on its undercarriage like 20 feet and up onto a flat bed then they dropped it on its belly in a dirt lot in the middle of crack town cost me 250 to get it out of impound and it had over two thousand five hundred dollars worth of damage to the steering suspension brakes and body work think anyone cared nope poor as f college student me got screwed on the night my college won a sports championship every house on my street was going absolutely nuts thousands of people screaming up and down the street at about 2 a.m the raging had subsided and me and a few friends were just sitting on the couch sipping some beer and drinking in the sweet taste of victory when all of a sudden about three cops bust through the front door demanding everyone leave immediately caught off guard me and my friends kind of chuckle to ourselves at how ridiculous this cop looks and he sees me and screams you're not 21 get out of here i'm 22 but seeing as the night was pretty much over i reluctantly comply with the officer's request and leave the house i walk down to the sidewalk and begin telling a couple friends who happen to be there what water just gone down when all of a sudden the cop storms back out of the house and starts yelling at me to leave again where do you propose i go my act is on the opposite side of the city and you kicked me out of where i was sleeping i replied then he and two other cops precede to spear me to the ground smashing my face against the dirt with their elbow wielding battens to anyone else who dare help me out while i'm getting the absolute crap beat out of me then they arrest me and take me to jail sweet tl dr i must live in north korea you could have totally gone to court with a case for abuse because you had several witnesses that could say you weren't being unruly or whatever the cops raided my house on accident they were supposed to raid the house next door this was when i was a senior in high school and i was living with my mom and she had rented a room out to a local college student well that student left a small heart-shaped box that my mom found while cleaning the room after the room he had left well when the cops were there they looked in the box now in my mom's room and it had a pinky nail-sized piece of celosite and mushroom in it so since they spent the tax dollars on the wrong house they took my mom and for possession so my mom was like 47 in jail for almost a week oh they found my bong but left it for some reason colon really hope that all charges were dropped and your mom sued the crap out of them if the warrant was for the house next door they had no legal right to be in your house meaning they could have found a dead body in your house and still would not have the legal right to charge you for the crime this was posted in a local forum by a construction site manager it boggles the mind ring ring me hello our city police department hi this is officer x from the police department i am calling about the officer you had at your job site for your delivery yesterday me yes pd you didn't pay him enough you owe us another forty dollars me officer i paid him 160 which is a four-hour rate our city has a four-hour minimum although he was only here for a quick 15-minute delivery i didn't even complain that he was two hours late he was supposed to be here at 12 so i don't understand how did i not pay him enough pd well they get time and half after 4 p.m i understand that he was late but he technically started at 2pm so from 2-4 he gets 80 and from four six another one hundred and twenty dollars me come again pd i know he should have been there at 12 but he was late it still doesn't change the fact that he started when he did which is 2pm as you know according to the union rules we have a four-hour minimum so he technically worked till 6pm and after 4pm they get time and half me are you listening to yourself pd haha i don't make up the rules me i understand that bit one you want me to pay for a four hour service which was only 15 minutes two you also want me to pay time and half for a time the officer had already left three and ignore that the officer should have been there at 12 instead of 2pm epd yes me and you wonder why investors refuse to do business in this city why last year you came close to laying off 80 officers because of budget cuts pd i know it sounds ridiculous my response i'll let my supervisor know thanks for calling then hang up and pretend like the call never happened fight bureaucracy with bureaucracy there was a picture set floating around a couple years ago showing a car in england i think that was legally parked on the street the city changed it to no parking while the couple that owned the car were on vacation to mark no parking in whatever area this was they painted a red line along the curb so they brought in some kind of crane lifted the car painted the line put the car back but then started piling the tickets on the car i think they came back to 3 000 british pounds of tickets from whatever version of the story i read a very possibly fiction though i've seen a cabbie stop at a yellow light rear then the cop behind him wailed on the horn until the cab ran the now red light the cop then ran the red behind him no lights on or anything i half expected the cop to pull the cab over for running the light but didn't this happen to me in august of 2002 i believe i was delivering pizzas around 230 in the afternoon in a not so good neighborhood they didn't give us car toppers as it was a rodney magnet in that part of town i had just completed delivery two of three and was on my way to the last one i was in the far right side of a four-lane road when i see a cop flying up on my left side naturally i pull over and wait for him to pass he pulls in front of my car with his gun drawn and starts going through the felony stop motions right as he gets out i look in my rear view and see a train of seven eight more police vehicles at this point i realize that crap has gotten real so the initial cop is going through the motions and when he finally gets me out of the car he stops giving me orders i'm assuming at this point that he saw my work uniform and realized the mistake all the while with his gun still pointed at my head so i politely ask him what he'd like me to do and he finishes and gets me cuffed so i'm standing there watching as a dozen cops tear apart my car there was absolutely nothing in there besides trash and pizzas i smoked pot back then but didn't have anything on me so i'm standing there not saying a word and i still have no idea why they are arresting me and tossing my car they then put me in the back of a cage car and start taking my info and what i'm assuming was a supervisor flings open the back door and tells me that the judge will go a lot easier on me if you try and go to treatment before trial admit you have a problem and it'll be better for you to which i respond i'm sorry sir but i have no idea what you're talking about he doesn't like this answer and starts yelling something incoherent so they start driving and i ask where we are going they say to jail oh good i'm held for 24 hours and finally released with a first degree misdemeanor for soliciting drug sales for attempting to purchase a 20 piece of crack c from an undercover officer a drug that even to this day i've never even seen let alone done got a lawyer who insisted he'd get me off and we'd even get some damages from a civil trial never happened got plead out and had to do an intervention program and the charges were essentially dropped tl dr pulled over while delivering pizzas for supposedly trying to buy crack i wasn't arrested and charged with misdemeanor fricked by lawyer on top of it i changed lanes in front of an undercover cop car there was plenty of room but dude proceeds to speed up and ride my butt i sped up to change lanes and let him pass but he continued following me till he pulled me over i do admit i should have maintained speed rather than given to his intimidation dude gave me three tickets and was a total prick even when i was trying to be nice and cooperative i found out today he was busted by his own department for dui on duty last week thank you universe don't know if it'd be worth it but you could talk to a lawyer if he was drinking on duty it may cast some doubt on some of his previous closed cases you may have the ability to appeal those tickets and have them reversed i'm a little late to the party but here's my story when i was 12 or 13 my two friends and i would basically spend our entire summers staying up all night playing video games like everyone else i imagine well one night we're complaining about how my mom didn't buy any snack food for us fwp and it dawned on us we could walk to the store sure it was a few miles away but it would rule we could buy whatever we wanted and no one could stop us so we embark on our adventure with all of 15 excited as frick we spend the whole walk talking about how awesome the food is going to be it took us at least an hour to get to the store but it was more than worth it we choose donuts and some swedish fish snackford of the gods it's around 3am as we start walking home with our food we see a police car drive by us it passes us i think to myself it's so nice to live on a nice side of town where police keep us safe flash of lights the police car skids to a stop and then drives backwards until he's right next to us he steps out of the car and asks us where we're going oh we're just going home sir we just decided to walk too how old are you sorry 12 you're far too young to be here it's night do you know what kind of people are out after nighttime us and them cops and robbers i'm a cop who are you are you a cop i suppose this was a rhetorical question but when i answered no he said i didn't think so get in the car he then proceeds to drive us all back to my parents house wakes them up and explains that we were out walking around up to no good my parents told him that nothing is wrong with a couple of kids walking to the store to buy some food and that they were irritated that they woke him up he then proceeded to tell my parents that he needed to do a better job raising their son and that's when my dad just shut the door in his face that's the day i realized that my parents were awesome one night in college me and some friends are pulling an all-nighter studying and we decide to go to wendy's at like 3 a.m for a frosty and 99 cent nuggets you know because we're poor we don't have a big enough vehicle for everyone to go together so we have two drivers i'm with mike and his 88 nissan or the close equivalent and a couple other friends are with matt in his 0-0 brand new red mustang we go to wendy's and eat our frosties and are on our way back the streets are deserted no pun intended and we come up to a red light where two lanes go straight and both cars are stopped side by side mike revs the tiny four-cylinder engine and his crappy nissan as a joke matt revs his v8 beast back and we all have a good laugh the light turns green and we all drive off at a normal pace blue lights ensue can you guess what happened if you guessed that my friend in the mustang got arrested for drag racing then you guessed right and no not a ticket straight up arrested he tried to get it dismissed but no luck it's a serious crime too and he now has to put on job applications that he was arrested what's the stupidest reason you got in trouble in school in seventh grade english class a classmate looked pretty sad so i asked her how she was doing to no malicious intent just wondering what was making her so upset but she started sobbing i apologized and moved on later that day i get pulled from a different class by a math teacher that i've never met before who yelled at me in the hallway making snide remarks about my parents and their parenting capacity she made me sit in front of the principal's office to wait for the principal to talk to me for four hours long after the school day has ended when the principal finally did show up he had no idea why i was sitting there middle school me was too shy to make a fuss about it but in hindsight i should have made a complaint against her to this day the girl that i supposedly bullied has no idea why the math teacher flipped out at me so you guys were both like wtf for saying my school picture sucked i had no idea such was considered a bad word until i was put in detention for it for using my asthma medication in class i was told to keep my inhaler in the office and to use it in there only i was told it was distracting know what else is distracting the sounds of someone gasping for air and having to be removed from class what's worse is kids have died because they didn't have immediate access to their inhalers or epipens because they needed to be kept in the office idiotic someone made a paper airplane out of scrap paper that had been binned my name was written on the sheet they used i got sent out the room and handed a punishment exercise grad school as in full grown adult one of my patients was a chill guy we had one of those relaxed relationships he would fist bump me after treatment was completed the dean of academic affairs did not like that got a 45-minute lecture on doctor-patient relationship and how dare i violate that trust with a fist bump a big part of healing is believing in your healer a fist bump from my dock would tell me we got this more than any 10-second bedside conversation the old school authoritative doctors sporting a god complex have given stick to the fist bump and smile someone once poked a wasp nest in the school forest and the whole swarm came out upon the school but the entire school sat detention for an hour understandable if you don't know who did it but that's not the problem we were sitting detention because the principal's son got stung as it eventually turned out it was actually his fault the swarm came down on us i have cursed his name since the day i found out in 11th grade i had gotten pink eye in both eyes i'd never had it before just thought i was having a reaction to my eyeliner or whatever i was in second period cooking 101 my teacher kept looking at me funny the entire class eventually she asked to talk to me in the hallway she told me that i needed to go to the nurse's office because i was stoned and she could tell by how fascinated i was with the cooking we were doing i was so confused and kept trying to tell her i was having some sort of allergic reaction but she wasn't having it and yelled at me told me to grab my things and go now pretty much berated me while the whole class could hear and had me so frustrated embarrassed i was in tears walked into the classroom everyone was staring at me in silence grabbed my stuff and went to the nurse one look at me and she confirmed the pink eye got to go home and stay home for a few days i remember my teacher tried to apologize for the incident class was super awkward after that dang she must think cooking is really boring i checked out a book on african tribes from the library in the fourth grade i told the teacher about how the book had topless women in it thinking i was helping she confiscated the book and had me suspended from school for hugging a crying classmate in the hall and that one time i typed the word boobies on the calculator in math class i got in trouble for cheating on one of my math exams the teacher found a piece of paper in my pencil case i got sent to the principal's office when the principal asked me about what i wanted to say in my defense i simply told him to take a look at the note it turned out to be a shopping list i was allowed to retake the exam the following week my friend got in trouble for this when he was actually writing a list of weird events to happen in something he was into at the time can't quite remember what the teacher demanded to see the note then read a list containing items along the lines of greg set fire to the hospital and greg proceeded to shoot lindsay and the ghost of lindsay haunted the rest of the people on the island in 1993 the flaming lips song she don't use jelly came out i was in third grade and i really liked that song and started signing it with my friends during a double-handed jump roping session she don't use g ely or any of thea so e she uses vyasee line boom written up three-day suspension for saying sexually suggestive things i had no idea that was meant sexually worse even no one would explain why that song was sexually suggestive it was very confusing back in high school had a gym teacher that wished to be any teacher other than gym teacher come the driver's ed course there's some bulls three page pamphlet she tells us to read through and summarize i do just that she decides my summary of a shortest pamphlet is too close to something she found online so she makes a big huff about it and i literally have to march over to my english teacher with the summaries have her evaluate them and sign off on a form that no she didn't classify my summary of the bull's short pamphlet being somewhat similar to any other summary of the bull's shoulder i tripped on a loose tile and bumped into a teacher causing her to spill her coffee on herself i apologized and showed her the tile she went on for months about how i did it on purpose even got the principal and my folks involved for the rest of the year she told me i couldn't come back to her class unless i apologized for doing it on purpose never went back to her class though i initially apologized for the incident i never once apologized for doing it on purpose frick you miss helm i honestly hate hearing these stories i want to hear that someone stood up for the victims and said you are a person with authority over us and you should know better than to act high and mighty i once got in trouble for reading stephen king they will like your reading dark books it's the reason your behavior is bad one of my teachers gave me a stephen king novel since i enjoyed reading it i apparently sighed loudly when a ta who knew she wasn't very popular walked in the room i was talking to a friend the opposite side of my table for fighting the school butthole sucker punched me and i didn't retaliate it was even caught on tape the zero tolerance policy is one of the stupidest things ever 100 agree almost got a suspension for doing nothing then my mom absolute legend threatened to call the police claiming the school did nothing to ensure my safety after seeing all my bruises and scrapes from fights i threw a closed pen to my friend who was like three feet away from me and the teacher freaked out he made a big deal out of it in front of the whole class for a solid five minutes and then emailed my parents luckily my mom was able to see my side of things and she said doesn't that teacher have better thing to do than email me about my child throwing pens we still laugh about it from time to time bro i feel your eye try to wake my sleeping friend up by gently throwing a pen at his back cause he was cold the teacher lectured me for about one stroke for the class time first i did many things to get in trouble legitimately i went undiagnosed with adhd and attentive type for a long time because i would laser focus on schoolwork and get done quickly then get bored and disrupt everyone else the secretaries in my elementary school office knew me on site when i went back to visit in high school but there were a couple times that were questionable clapping in fourth grade i learned you can clap louder by having the fingers on one hand go into the palm of the other i was part of a mini concert for our extremely talented string students oh yeah hot cross buns and i was kicked out and sent to the office because i clapped along with everyone else but a teacher felt i was being disruptive abusing my newfound power it was decades ago so i really can't say if i was being a jerk or not sneezing i sneezed several times and like a duck quacking i got it from my grandfather who did the same if those things are hereditary i can try to hold it in but then it looks like i'm having a seizure our middle school science teacher immediately tried to give me iss when i sneezed for the first time and it took the whole class vouching for me before she relented after that people would just pause for me to finish and i'd apologize [Music] the stupidest reason someone tried to get me in trouble was for doing the assignment there was a special needs kid in my programming class and he had an assistant she thought i was goofing off on the internet and asked me to stop i told her i was just working on the project she didn't believe me so she went to the teacher who recognized that i was indeed working on the project so nothing came of it the stupidest reason someone succeeded in getting me in trouble was when we had this sub he insisted on reading the day's instructions very slowly it was a work day and that was written on the board but he took a half hour to describe exactly what the different projects we were working on were the problem was that we all knew what we were supposed to do so we got started he got p that we weren't listening to him so he yelled at us and started over with his speech eventually he got so p that he ate up another half hour ranting about how he is an industry big shot and all the different reasons why he'd fire us if he could anyway i had him as a substitute a couple other times and he was much better tempered so i assume that was a fluke dude sucker punched me in gym class i never even got a chance to defend myself a fight back before the teacher stepped in i got suspended for fighting [Music] i got iss in school suspension basically detention during school hours for being in a food fight even though i wasn't they said i was a part of it because i dropped some crumbs from my cupcake onto the floor zero tolerance policy baby in middle school the bell to send us home didn't go off on time we were all standing by the door waiting to leave when all the other classrooms started leaving to go home the hallways were filled and teachers were telling people goodbye so my classroom started to leave too i was one of the first ones out but apparently our teacher caught the end half of the class and made them sit down and tell them everyone who walked out the door because i dismiss you not the bell so all of us who left like the rest of the school got detention i didn't time my shoes the way the p instructor wanted me to in 11th grade sat in the dean's office for an hour before they called my mom whose response i still remember you're calling me during my work day to ask my son to tie his shoes in a way that a pee teacher feels suitable are you freaking kidding me i played triple a hockey at the time along with varsity lacrosse pe class was the least of my worries let alone how my shoes were tied safe to say i didn't have to re-tie my shoes you should have come to the next pe class wearing slippers [Music] clearing my throat before reading out loud to the class she yelled at me and threatened attention because she thought i was faking it for attention but i don't see how also more context i was a quiet kid so i wasn't one to create drama to begin with it just made me not want to talk more than i already didn't want to wtf detention for clearing your throat even if you fake it it is still a dumb reason to get detention my friend once got in trouble for a small sigh after the teacher said we got more homework or more work to do can't really remember she ended up getting sent out of the classroom for it man i had something similar happen when i was in elementary school we had math class so we had to work on a booklet and me not liking math let out josiah as i opened it up my teacher took offense to that so she took my booklet away and sent me out into the hall to think on what i did [Music] i was sent to the principal in sixth grade for arguing with my teacher when she insisted that hitler was a communist the principal literally did a fascipam but then pulled himself together and lectured me on being more respectful first one i was waving my fingers to try to get to stuck sticky paper off of it the principal was passing my class and saw me through the door he thought i was throwing rocks in a class at the back of my friend head i got suspended for that second one my math teacher when i was 14 years old had something against me at the beginning of each class she would ask me to go into the corridor for 15 minutes that was her idea of a punishment she didn't even bother to find a reason i just had to get out these are both utterly insane what the heck [Music] spelling test in seventh grade we wrote down the words as the teacher shouted them out one of the words was peace the kid next to me asks which one there's two different words peace peace the teacher said the one on the list you were supposed to study that's bulls i whispered p says in piece of pie she made us both rip up our tests for cheating peace as in peace of crap teacher failed an in class project cause no one would let me join their group the teacher told me to get over it and find a group which led to a group of popular kids tell me that i'm a loser fun times in school man every time i had to do a group project the other people in my group asked to work by themselves so they didn't have to work with me it felt kinda bad but i work better alone anyway at my elementary school they didn't really have any stuff to play with outside so we would play with sticks rocks pine cones etc but they didn't like that so they would send us to sit at the wall for all of recess if we got caught it was weird when i was in the eighth grade we had for one day a substitute teacher in our portuguese class she had the job to make us do a little text about what we thought it would be the best invention ever i made it about toilets we delivered the papers 10 minutes after as she was reading them she would make comments like too much commas or this needs more paragraphs as soon as she got to mind she stopped speaking demanded one kid to go and get the principal the principal comes reads the text also get furious picks me up drags me into his office in there he and the substitute called my mom made her do 30 kilometers in a traffic-filled city when she arrived she read the text and started laughing like legit crying and grabbing onto her stomach they got so mad at my mom for laughing instead of taking it seriously that the principal suspended me for one week call of duty and no homework for one week thanks to my mom in middle school some kids were stomping on caterpillars during recess i took a ziploc bag from my lunch and put as many caterpillars in it as i could to rescue them by taking them somewhere else i fast walked to get away fairly quickly without making a scene a teacher stopped me and accused me of running and shoving i didn't touch anyone at all and when she saw the bag she gave me a look of utter disgust i got lunch detention for it i ultimately switched out of that school because the staff had it and for me for some mental health issues and quirks that i later discovered was asperger's syndrome i was waiting in the bathroom for a urinal a kid walked towards me and choked slammed me against the wall he told the teacher that i was watching him pee and i got three days of after school a couple of friends and me sat next to our favorite teacher at lunch we chatted joked around it was fun then we left after lunch the janitor complained the cafeteria was trashed and asked who was responsible the teacher who we sat with and talked to during lunch blamed us we got detention and had to stay after school to clean we all went to the teacher and said hey we sat and joked with you you know we didn't make a mess didn't care stuck with the punishment oh but it gets worse i missed the bus home i lived 12-15 miles out of town i had hours of chores to do when i got home taking care of animals stacking firewood hard freaking chores called my mom to pick me up got home they had called my dad he didn't care the reason i got in but beating for getting in trouble not like i was spanking whipped with a belt that left welds making it hard to sit my mom believed me so the next day she went to the school talk to the principal and teacher neither of them cared to any teacher that reads this please you know the kids that are getting abused even if you don't have solid proof please try to help them out don't do this crap that puts them in more physical danger and stress this i got a b minus on an assignment once so the teacher decided i was slipping and had me on lunch detention and i had to show my assignments ahead of time kids wondered why i cried over it as i went home to and but whooping sixth or seventh grade a kid came up to me and punched me i didn't even punch him back or do anything because a teacher saw right away i was suspended for two days for fighting i dropped my phone down an entire flight of stairs once i took it out of my pocket it slipped i tried to catch it with my hand but i just ended up hitting it forwards and upwards i landed at the bottom of the stairs flat on the screen it was completely broken except for one thing it could still receive phone calls so next period my classmates kept calling me on repeat and i could do nothing about it because my phone could not silence or ignore the call naturally my teacher blamed me and i was sent to the principal's office who told me never to do it again and that she'd be keeping my phone the rest of the day i seriously don't think she realized it was freaking shattered even when she was holding it i would ask my friends to keep on making calls to that phone so the principal would have experienced it too lol this will get buried but i do have a story when i was in third grade we kept all of our folders in this little denim pocket on the backs of our chairs about halfway through the year mine ripped so it was pretty difficult to keep everything inside i was a relatively quiet kid though and i didn't say anything to the teacher one day we had a substitute she was a pretty typical old woman who didn't seem to care much about us at all we had to take a spelling test that day so she asked us to put our dividers up as well as being a quiet kid i was also a kid with undiagnosed adhd i already knew the material she was teaching us and i instead got myself absorbed into a book i didn't notice it was time to take the test until my classmates were putting up their dividers i shut my book and went to grab mine at that exact moment my denim pocket completely broke there were papers everywhere my panicked little seven year old butt scrambled to grab them all and put them back in but putting folders in a broken pocket is an arduous task and the tests were already passed out before i could finish so what does the sub do seeing this tiny third grader scrambling to shove 30 crinkled note sheets into a little red folder she screamed at me i'd never had a teacher go off on me like this sub did she ridiculed me for holding up the class and making the other students wait i couldn't help myself i burst out crying which only made her yell even louder i obviously wasn't some perfect angel during elementary school i was smart but i also had a lot of behavioral issues at the time once again undiagnosed adhd however i couldn't always control my actions and my teachers were usually very understanding of that seeing that i was otherwise a pretty chill kid but this substitute yelled at me as though i had spilled my papers on purpose my little brain could understand being disciplined for something caused by my actions but i couldn't comprehend being screamed at for something completely out of my hands i had actual nightmares from this woman i don't even know why because i can deal with those types of people fine nowadays she ended up telling the principal about me but luckily he was a pretty cool dude i never had that substitute again of course you have nightmares from that you were tiny and powerless she was big powerful and crazy my boy do i have a list for you one primary school grade six we had a youth christian band come play for some christian holiday period that we were at school for at the end of the show i had a tickle in my throat and started coughing while still clapping at the end as everyone else in the church did too was pulled aside for booing the performance no one booed the whole event from memory and couldn't fight it two weeks detention and forced to join the choir club two high school grade eight someone stuck a condom to the outside of my school bag which was on a bag rack outside the library no bags in the library another student brought my bag in and showed a teacher once being identified as my bag i was given a weak detention three high school grade eight did my homework in class the same class we were given it a teacher was annoyed i skipped ahead because i already knew it all was stuck cleaning the science rooms for that day's lunch break for high school grade 9 a new student with the exact same name as me joined my school i proceeded to acquire all of his uniform detention slips for half the year i fought all of these but when a substitute would be in charge of detention that day i couldn't get out of it 5 high school grade 10 complimented my history teacher on her dress substitute reported it to higher ups both me and her were investigated by the school to make sure no fishy business was going on six high school grade 12 one day suspension for refusing to complete my assignment an assignment i had handed in three times all prior to due date all on a new usb each time as it was for graphic design and our email our email our email our email our email our email our email our i also never got those three usbs back seven high school grade 12 skipping a class i was there for as in the teacher marked me as a way then saw me in class about five minutes later then printed off the detention slip and gave it to me i was also sitting only two seats away from her 8 high school grade 12 had an allergic reaction to makeup we used in special effects this wasn't a previously known allergy of mine so i didn't know teacher didn't believe me so i was required to catch up after school the first day i came back six seven and eight all the same teacher who i had for five years and who i had complained about to the school for five years in a row we should clean our classroom and naturally there was a lot of trash we only had one trash can and it was full so i compressed it because it was 50 percent air and the teacher got mad at me wrote a letter to my parents and moved me on this stupid smiley board to the red side i can still remember this until now these are more ridiculous than i was expecting i got called down to the office for skipping a class i didn't have with a teacher i never had it's kind of a tie i got suspended on the last day of middle school for having a green mohawk and then a few years later i got in school suspension for saying hi to the principal i'd love to hear how saying i got you suspended i defended myself against a bully that was bothering me for years my family and i reported it multiple times to the school changing classes because he was in them only for him to then be changed into my exact same classes because he was disruptive what a shock so i had to keep dealing with this butthole for a majority of my high school career one day he did something said something to me can't remember exactly what but i just snapped in all of my built up anger i screamed you want to frick with me do you and attacked him i was seeing red fully prepared to beat all of my anger and frustration into him that has been building up the last few years as i lunged at him and he ran away i sat back down at my desk like nothing happened but was sent to the principal's office the assistant principal was really nice and understanding of all of it saying that they totally understood and were sorry i had to deal with that but because of school policy i was suspended i didn't get in trouble by my parents though stating they were very proud of me standing up for myself finally not going to lie though it was a cool feeling afterwards people in the classroom were talking about how i would beat his butt and finally shut him up and for a wimpy lunar kid like myself not having any friends it felt good nobody mess with me after that and i felt like a badass in a weird sort of way it feels good to finally stand up for yourself i don't condone fighting or violence and that was the last one i was ever in but stand up for yourself parents need to teach their kids this sometimes the only way to get the message across to someone is a physical one and my message was heard it felt good this morning i was in a rush and i caught myself mere seconds before committing a truly idiotic act in an effort to save time i was about to iron my shirt collar while wearing my shirt read it what's the dumbest act have you successfully stopped yourself from committing i was driving when i patted my pockets and didn't feel my keys i had already turned my car around and started driving back home to get them when i realized that the first three words of this story are i was driving once i missed my exit going home and i just thought to myself ah it's cool i'll just load my last safe i then realized i was playing way too much fallout once in the middle of the night i was hot and needed to plug my fan in it was very dark in the room and i couldn't seem to get the plug to hit the outlet correctly since i didn't want to turn on the light so i felt where the outlet holes were and then gripped the plug by the prongs and attempted to manually guide the plug in that way so i could take advantage of my sense of touch luckily i failed my first attempt and in my groggy state realized what i was attempting i've done this once but didn't stop myself i did it with a laptop charger though hurt like a bee i have a faint memory of being blind drunk walking into my kitchen other side of the hall from bathroom and pushing the pedal on the pedal bin whilst unbuttoning my beans just before it was too late i remember thinking that's not how toilets open then i stride it into my real bathroom feeling very proud of my drunken logic that's how toilets should open whenever i paint i have a moment where i almost drink the water i clean my brushes off in thankfully i have always caught myself just before consumption it's extra fun when you're working with oil paints and nearly take a giant swig of turpentine and by fun i mean stomach pumps had a brutal itch on the top of my foot while mowing the lawn push mower guess what brilliant idea flashed across my mind glad i resisted that one it would have solved the problem though i was in my chemistry lab and i was really tired and just wanted to go home anyway towards the end i was cleaning up and i had a clear liquid on the table it was either water which i could pour down the sink or hydrochloric acid which i had to dispose of in the hazard barrel i figured oh i better taste it to see which one it is glad i stopped before i went through with that ph strip i was making toast but it got stuck in the toaster and was about to use a knife to pry it when i realized that it might be a bad idea also thinking it would be okay to jump out of a window since it was only five or so meters from the ground for too much minecraft i guess i once caught myself about to blow dry my hair in the bath right as i was about to start blowing myself i remembered learning this is something you should never do you would have quickly found out what they mean by bed bath and beyond yesterday i was going home from work i walked to my car unlocked it got in the back seat and sat there for a minute before realizing i couldn't drive my car from the back seat this is a reoccurring dream for me i set the cruise control and get in the back seat and then realize that it isn't the best idea but can't get back in the front seat so have to steer using my feet or something from the back seat it's a nerve-wracking little dream tl dr almost took my dong out in public the bathroom in my apartment last year was around a corner and i got into the habit of unzipping my fly and taking my dong out after i rounded the corner no big deal then one day in a building on campus i started walking to the bathroom without even thinking about it as i rounded the corner i unzipped my fly and was about to complete the next step when i realized what i was doing luckily nobody was in that hallway so nobody saw this reminds me of the story from a discredit thread a while back about this guy when he was a kid once flipped his junk out and walked down the hallway at school to save time when in the toilet or something along that never laughed so much at a comment kids logic is flawless if anyone finds it please link for the lazy would like to read again i got up early on my day off to go run some errands in a nearby city about a half hour away i got all prepped got lists together got out on the road in time to be there when the first store opened and made it onto the highway where i'd be spending the next 20 minutes cruising at 70 miles per hour nice i thought i can stop rushing around and relax for a few minutes i probably even have time for a quick nap i moved around in my seat to get comfortable close my eyes and then a michigan goodman driving the car at the for quasar thinking i'm on the toilet and i just read this this made me laugh so hard my poop came out so much easier thank you it can get really cold where i work the cold gets to my hands and the fact that i work in front of a pc with my hands typing away at the keyboard makes it that much worse so one time i was going to the bathroom and going about my business in the urinal when it occurs to me that fresh urine is warm warm enough that it would just be the thing my hands need i'm about to wash my hands in my own pee midstream when i realize what i'm about to do i immediately go what the frick brain i'm so glad i stopped when i did can you imagine the mess and how awkward having to explain that would be tl dr bear grylls teaches me how to survive the cold best part is there was probably a hot water tap behind you happened today at ikea i knew what i was shopping for so just wanted in and out i'm pretty tired today and i was rushing and i needed to pee i saw what i wanted in one of those room displays so i went over to grab the details walking through a home type display on the way on my way through i saw the bathroom and thought good a toilet thankfully a split second later my half asleep brain prevented my body from making a divert i now realize why people use a bathroom in public non-bathroom places once when i was putting away the shopping i put the bananas in the oven it took me a couple of seconds before i realized i've done that kind of thing all the time milk in the bin pasta in the fridge etc etc stupid brain doesn't like autopilot tip for the future if you or a person you live with have straighteners for hair use them on collars ties anything you can get the irons around and it will work in a rush when you need your collars doing just make sure there isn't any hair product on it sometimes mine have a bit of hairspray residue or oils from my hair i have done this before in a pinch and it works i just say to wipe the straightener down one night my friends and i were shrooming on the roof of an abandoned hospital i started getting strong auditory hallucinations hearing things that weren't there it got to the point where what i was seeing and what i was hearing weren't matching up i decided the best way to figure it out would be to walk off the edge of the hospital and if i fell then i'd know my vision was right and not my hearing and if i didn't fall then the opposite i stood up and some part of me realized that if you do fall you'll die dude so i giggled and sat back down remembering it the next day i decided i was done with shrooms for a while shrooming on the roof i think i found your problem i was swimming in the ocean then realized i was really thirsty i thought hey look at all this water all around me and began to take a drink from the water beside me once it was inside my mouth the salty taste made me spit it out and i then realized what turned idiotic move i was about to perform comma once it was inside my mouth the salty taste made me spit it out and i then realized what an idiotic move i was about to perform sounds a lot like my girlfriend sometimes i walk around while brushing my teeth sometimes i forget that there is no sink in front of me then i spit and since it's all gooey tooth pasty spit it goes down really slow and i try to stop it mid-air back in the 80s i worked for a convenient store gas station and part of the shift change included checking the meters on the pumps to record the number of gallons pumped since my shift was a night shift i did this using a flashlight to read the meter one night the flashlight wouldn't work no amount of shaking would get light so i did what any smoker would do i pulled out my lighter to use it to light my way got it part way to the thumb lineup position before i realized that i was an idiot i went inside and got another flashlight off the shelf yeah i was on acid about 20 years ago decided that the pretty patterns on the mattress that was leaning against the basement wall would look really cool by firelight so i pulled out my lighter and almost set it on fire that would have been really bad we had a large house full of about 30 tripping people really really really bad i was driving to montreal on a crisp late october evening to attend a funeral a few years ago it was late i was tired and there was a lot on my mind my father and i went on speaking terms and i hadn't seen in him in almost a year and a half suddenly i was going to be surrounded by his relatives forced to interact with him on top of trying to comfort my grieving family i got to the border around 1 or 2 a.m and obviously all the crossing lanes but one were closed there were no other cars despite the huge warning signs i pulled straight up to the window like it was a drive-through and looked in funny didn't see anyone thinking to myself oh the border must be closed today i felt my foot going for the gas to drive off thankfully a combination of better judgment and a border agent coming to the window prevented me from driving through an international border without stopping that sure would have been fun and this is how you missed a great opportunity for participating in an exciting car chase got to the point of planning how i was going to commit suicide and what the note was going to say then decided to see a therapist instead tl dr almost masturbated with run mate in same room freshman year in college it's 8 50 a.m and i'm still in bed but my dorm mate has class at nine o'clock so he should be gone i get out use the floor bathroom freshen up then get my laptop for some special me time aka master bastion get in my nice comfy chair and i'm about to pull my shorts down when i see movement in my roommate's bed and realize that he's skipping class that wasn't the only time that year that we almost caught the other masturbating he knew what you were going to do he moved on purpose to give you heads up if i eat like a yogurt from a disposable container i almost always try to throw my spoon in the bin and put the plastic tub in the washing machine i usually stop myself till yoga typically eats things from disposable containers it was the middle of the night and i was doing chemistry homework on my computer the book had been talking about how water had a high specific heat so when i realized how hot my laptop was getting clearly there was only one solution i managed to go over to the sink fill a whole water bottle and start to tip it before i realized how stupid an idea that was i think everyone who reads about specific heat capacity tries to do this in one form or another mine was trying to use wet towels to cool down a really hot room which of course dripped everywhere and i just ended up with a puddle on the floor when i was nine i was finally allowed to mow the lawn i had a habit of growing my fingernails too long and as a male i was bothered so i decided since the lawnmower has blades i could just cut my nails on those my father stopped me before i did anything i was not a bright child it would work too effectively slicing cheese one time with a knife i found the knife wasn't working all that well i went to push down on the top of the blade to force it through the cheese i caught myself just before i put my hand on it i realized the knife blade was upside down as a joke me and some of my friends would bump each other's cars while we were waiting to exit the drive when school let out this happened maybe once or twice a month we'd basically let the car roll into the car in front of us doing no damage it was funny harmless and kept our 16 year old brains entertained in traffic but we really only did it to our friends since all of us drove beat up cars one day after a friend had bumped me several times at school earlier that day i ended up driving behind him on a major road and got within a few inches of giving him a bump at 55 miles per hour luckily i realized this would have a different outcome while we were driving i once reflexively tried to catch a falling razor sharp diving knife on a rocking boat i actually cut my fingers just slightly enough to cast the skin but no blood and immediately had a no no no no moment and let it drop there is no handle on a falling knife not me my father he was carving a pumpkin he cut around the top to get the top off so he could scoop the guts out but had trouble prying the top off so he wedges his big knife in the top and starts prying but it won't budge angrily braces the pumpkin against his chest and starts really pressing on the knife an instant later he realizes he has braced the knife point towards his chest and the instant he actually pops the top off the knife will plunge point first at his chest in that instant of holy frick what am i doing the top pops off and the knife slams into his chest at mac 4 only for the point to hit the button of his shirt and stop dead tl dr my dad stabbed himself in the chest and only survived because he hit the button of his shirt i was trying to separate frozen pieces of banana bread by holding two in my palm and trying to put the point of a knife through them with the other a few seconds into this plan i realized what i was doing i know two people who have put knives through their palms doing something similar with avocado pits sci i was parked at the mall facing a really nice lamborghini i'm not a car person and even i found it really sleek and beautiful it was clearly either new or very well cared for dark silver and quite stylish i was thinking about what it would be like to drive it so i was about to back out of my spot and had my foot on the gas pedal when i realized that my stupid mind had distractedly put my fairly big pickup truck in drive rather than reverse i chuckled put it in reverse and thanked the heavens i had and just ruined a lovely car and probably run up my insurance fees for life not me but i was standing next to him was about eight years ago my best friend and i 16 at the time were attending a family event at a local golf club we were in the clubhouse and my best friend is holding my baby brother maybe one year old not in a dangerous way he lifts him up above his head playfully i hear this loud whizzing sound look up and see that his not fully formed head is less than an inch from a ceiling fan on full blast i am convinced that if contact was made it would have surely killed him my friend quickly pulls my little brother down to his chest and looks at me with pure terror we both look around nobody else in the crowded room was looking sometimes like an idiot i imagine what could have happened and it blows my mind how close my body came to ruining the lives of so many people we occasionally remember that close call when we're together still a secret between both of us it is my go to moment when i need to think about the fragility of life tl dr my best friend almost decapitated my little brother lion king style go a violent allergic reaction at 3am i was preparing myself to just sleep it off while my face was swelling up thank god i decided to go to the hospital after really thinking about it i was told my throat could have swollen up on the inside stopping me from breathing for some reason i read this post in a thick scottish accent i once nearly sucked my own eyeball out of my head with a shot vac i was cleaning up after sanding some drywall and was covered in fine white plaster dust i used a 16 gallon rigid shop vac to get the majority of the dust off the floor and began vacuuming my shoes packed legs and sleeves i continued right up the front of my shirt to my neck and hair i then brought the vacuum hose around to the front of my face and within an inch of my eyeball before stopping myself i still shudder to this day thinking about what would have happened it would have sucked for sure sometime when i'm driving this itching thought crawls into my mind to just pull the emergency brake for literally no reason i keep glancing at it like that's an idea that would qualify as going full-on [ __ ] don't you dare do it pretty much the same with going from fifth gear to reverse on the highway sounds like el apple duvety stopping myself seconds away from yelling out where's my phone anybody seen my phone because i realize that i'm on it lol i have a friend who lost his watch in a field while drunk he then went around asking people to be quiet so he could hear his watch ringing when he called it on multiple occasions i've almost gotten into the shower with my bra still on then realized what i was doing and stopped myself on multiple other occasions i didn't stop myself and on some of those occasions i was also still wearing panties and once i was also still wearing geans socks reaching into a deep fryer to retrieve a wing that had fallen out of its basket a co-worker grabbed my arm in the nick of time and we both just stood there amazed at his reflexes and shocked at my stupidity a few years ago while at home on break from college i was watching tv and was too lazy to get up to use the bathroom i thought to myself i should just pee myself i mean i'm at home and ma is in the next room so she can just help clean up i did not pee myself that day this is going to get buried but a long time ago i worked in the stockroom of a barnes and noble i don't know what the room had been used for before it was converted to a stockroom but there was a large structure made of sheet metal in the middle of the floor with high voltage warnings all over it this thing had events in the side that were maybe just big enough to push your arm in past the elbow if you really pushed i say maybe because right around the time i had my armor up to the elbow i came to my senses and pulled my arm out i still have no idea what compelled me to do it i almost ate glue in the second grade sort of out of a juice box muscle memory i stopped myself thinking what are you doing then i did it anyway so you're that guy i always wondered who was the person that required the warning label on my iron informing me to not iron my clothes while wearing i have seen you exist and i welcome the coming apocalypse got coffee and a queer song the other morning intended to put the kwasong in my gym bag to eat later and instead came this close to putting my coffee in my gym bag whoops well on a summer evening my friends and i were at the lake drinking and having fun when the genius idea came to make a bonfire we collected papers but it didn't burn the way we wanted as i had a ride on my scooter perhaps moped is the better word for some to understand i thought to dip the papers in the gasoline and light the bonfire that way while i dipped it in the gasoline it dripped all over my arm and i was about to light it with the same hand right before i lit it the thought struck me that i was being really [ __ ] sat quietly on the ground pretty much the rest of the evening excuse the possible interpunction mistakes i fell asleep for half a second while driving alone i woke up driving on the wrong side of the road on a four lane 60 miles per hour road i swerved back into my lane and thank god it was 2 a.m because there was no one on the road i never drive exhausted anymore if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Internet Is Fun Studios

Views: 623,871

Keywords: dumbest people on the internet, dumbest people ever, dumbest people, #updootst, updoot, updoot reddit, updoot everything, reddit on tap, toadfilms, pewdiepie, emkay, reddit, askreddit, funny reddit, reddit stories, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, reddit compilation, /r, r/, r/askreddit, top posts of r/, askreddit reading, best reddit posts, top posts of all time, people of reddit, askreddit question, ask reddit, subreddit, sub, askreddit school, r/askreddit how to

Id: iuckQ-qSBg4

Length: 225min 21sec (13521 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 23 2021