Dr Jeffrey Lang - My Journey to Islam

okay so peace be upon you in the name of God the merciful the compassionate oh if I'm going to read this I'm going to have to take my glasses off so now I can't see your reactions that might be better actually uh uh first of all I'd like to thank you for having me and for showing up here today all of you it was quite a shock to get invited to England I really had very little idea that you know that anybody knew me here and probably many of you don't know me so I thought this first talk would be sort of an introductory talk where I explain why I'm here how I got here so to speak and then uh and then we'll just you know have some question and answers many of the issues that I'm going to rais today during this talk I'll talk more about in the coming days so this is sort of like a you know sending off so is that all right so I begin this talk by talking about how it is I became a Muslim and then if time permits uh then I'll talk about the difficulties encountered after becoming a Muslim especially with regard to fitting into the MOs culture in America so how did I become a Muslim I remember when you know I did become a Muslim I often would go to websites or read pamphlets put out by Muslims and they would claim that I converted from Christianity to Islam and I did not convert from Christianity to Islam I converted from atheism to Islam I did not believe in God can so I used to leave the door of my office at the University of San Francisco unlocked because I knew I would eventually lose my keys so I left it unlocked so I could get in and out of there without having to keep going down to the main office and asking them to make a new key so what so students would leave books in there assignments things like that so one day I walk down to my office I walk into my office the door of course is open I go in there and I see a green text sitting on the middle of my desk and I assumed a student left a book there and I walk over to it I look at it and on the cover of it it says the Holy Quran an English interpretation and I look at it and I thought who left that there immediately I knew who who must have left that there must have been my family my adopted Muslim family and then I thought what are they trying to say by this I thought they said they didn't want to talk about religion anymore now they're leaving a copy of the Quran on my desk are they trying to convert me I mean God I mean they're not even religious people you know my to bars and discos maybe they're saying if I don't become a Muslim they're not our friendship can't continue you know all these I'm a very sort of skeptical person pessimistic I always assume the worst to begin with but then as I thought about it more I realized this was like a peace offering they I could see in their faces they were embarrassed when they said they or indicated they didn't want to talk about religion anymore I thought this was a way of sort of smoothing things out Jeff we don't want to talk about it but if you really are interested in our religion here's a copy of the Quran it's our scripture I knew it was their scripture anyway from other conversations so I took it as a peace offering and I didn't even bring the subject up again I put it on my shelf actually I put it on my coffee table in my apartment in Diamond Heights in San Francisco I left it there and then a couple of weeks passed and I uh you know when I was a grad student at Purdue University I shipped all my books by the cheapest method possible to my office in San Francisco and none of them had arrived yet see the only books I had with me were the ones I brought in the U-Haul in the moving van from California uh from Indiana that I drove out to California with and there was only like 20 so in no time at all I had run out of things to read so I had nothing to read this night I looked at the magazines I had already read them twice I turned on the TV it was Johnny Carson so boring I turned it off so do you know who Johnny Carson is no all right so now I'm sitting in my I'm sitting in my U apartment and nothing to read and I'm looking around and I look over and there on my table side table is an English interpretation of the Holy Quran so I pick it up and think why not I'll read a few pages I'll get bored I'll put it down you know maybe lucky hopefully it'll bore me to the extent that I'll go to sleep no I mean seriously I wasn't expecting much you know although you know some script scriptures I had read were very beautiful I had Beautiful Stories so I thought you know maybe the stories the myths Etc will be interesting so I pick it up I pick it up want to get through this part next 10 minutes I pick it up I am boring you am I not it's like when I teach mathematics you know I'm really into it and then I look at my students and I'm getting all excited and I turn to my class and they're all looking at me like can we leave now I pick it up and I look at the first Sur I turn the first Surah and I'm just reading it out of academic are osity and in the name it's it's obviously a hym of praise to me it's like a Psalm for those of you who know the Bible at least it starts that l in the name of God the merciful the compassionate all praise be to God ruler of all worlds uh Master king or Master of the day of judgment actually the day of requital the day of recompense the day when counts are settled uh to alone and then it goes on from there and I'm reading it and I'm thinking oh a hym of Praise a song and I get to the end of it and then as I get to the end of it I realize oh the last few lines slipped into made the subtle transition into a prayer for guidance show us a straight path the path of Those whom you have favored not those who have gone astray or upon whom is violence or wrath and I thought what a clever author you know he tricked me into making a prayer for guid a supplication for guidance clever man so I assume the of course I assume the Quran had a human author so I turn to the next Surah and it begins Al three Arabic letters then that is the book we in no doubt is the guidance for those who are on their toes who are Vigilant so I read it and I look at it and say so are you talking to me are you saying that this prayer for guidance that I just inadvertently made you're now saying that this is the guidance that I was seeking and I look at the opening line again and it says that is the book and I thought the author has an very interesting style see from this point in the Quran the beginning of the second Surah from here on out the perspective is God addressing the reader God speaking to the reader I always thought you know scripture should be like the ones I was exposed to stories ancient history story a biography of a prophet or something this is direct God talking to reader addressing the reader I thought now this the author of this book definitely was original he CL he actually wrote a revelation from God to humanity which is what you would think a revelation would be but not only that he has a very engaging style he he gets you to ask questions and then get then gives answers and then creates more questions somehow this Quran he wrote in a style that gets you into a dialogue with the the scripture like that just brief dialogue I just mentioned I'd have that experience repeatedly as I read through the Quran this dialogue I'd find myself drawn in I'd ask a question few lines later sometimes a couple passages later maybe I would see an answer and then I would create another question and then I was involved in this veritable dialogue with the scripture so okay I have to stop in four minutes and give the taper a break so um so I keep on reading the Quran I think I'm impressed by the author's original and ingenious style and then the next several verses uh the next several passages uh summarize the quran's major themes talks about who get could be guided by the scripture who can't sort of the prerequisites for getting guided I thought that's very clever sort of same way we write math texts and then I come of course to the famous allegory what you would expect after you get through an introduction the Quran is going to talk about Homo sapiens human beings and their origin and what their life is all about and the famous allegory of the first man and first woman so that begins in the 30th verse of the second Surah should I stop here okay we just have to give him one minute to switch so I come to the 30th verse of the Quran now up till now I am impressed with the author's style but I'm only 30 what 36 verses into the Quran I'm not so impressed and I'm captivated by the scripture but I come to the 30th verse and it begins behold your lord said to the angels behold your lord said to the angels so we're about to hear a Heavenly announcement a Heavenly election a great moment so this great election behold your lord said to the angels I'm going to put a vicant of mine on earth a vicroy an emissary a representative of mine this is a noble election God is about to create man and assign him a noble role I immediately said to myself no he he obviously got the story all wrong man is not put on Earth to fill some Noble role he's put on Earth as a punishment because that's in my religious tradition the one of my birth the one I abandon and I'm not putting it down but that's the way the story is told and I felt the author got confused when he was you know repeating the story I mean this was my perspective behold your lord said to the angels I am about to put a vicin of mine on Earth and then the angel said and the angel said will you put therein one who will spread corruption and shed much blood while we the Angels celebrate your praises and glorify you glorify your holy name and I read that and I just stared at it I couldn't I was captivated I was angry I could feel the heat rising inside me cuz look what it says will you put there in one God says I'm going to put assign these humans this Noble role and then God and then the Angels say are you going to create this being who spreads corruption and sheds much blood this most criminal violent destructive creature and put him on Earth in this role when you could create us as they plainly say well we celebrate your praises and glorify you how could you create this and assign him that role when we are clearly more more deserving and more appropriate are you following me and that was my question that was my life that was my childhood all of it just encapsulated in those 15 words and I was shocked I thought the author is committing theological suicide you don't ask the most poignant question in the history of man's theological Reflections a question for which there is no rational answer answer in the beginning of the story of the first man and woman at least wait to the end of the scripture but don't put it from the start I had to find out how he answered the question as as disturbing as I thought the question was how it brought back all my childhood I had to find out and so I was hooked I wanted to see how the author answered that question so I began reading through the Quran and I immediately got some hints but it didn't fill in the picture so I kept reading and reading and reading and to tell you the truth and this is what I'm going to talk about tomorrow at tomorrow's lecture for the Youth or the people who consider themselves youth by the time I had finished the Quran all the arguments I had against the existence of God all the premises I had built against his existence one by one I saw them falling apart so by the time I finished the Quran I had no more argument against the existence of God but not having an argument against God is not the same as having a reason to believe in it once my daughter Jam asked me Daddy I understood you know we could go and walk after walk after walk and we discussed these things I understood how you found in the Quran answers to all your objections to the existence of God but what made you believe in God she very bright girl because she understood not having an argument against is not the same as having a reason to believe and I told her honey it's hard for me to explain but as I was reading as best as I understand it as I was reading through the Quran and one by one the sort of Fortress of the wall I had built between myself and the belief in the existence of God as that wall began to crumble one by one piece by piece as those arguments faded away I began to have slight doubts about my atheism and the more I began to doubt my atheism the more the power of the Quran began to affect me and the Quran is written in a very interesting style in the begin in the beginning it's very it's quite technical goes into a lot of specifics laws and rules and regulations by the middle it takes you into stories Beautiful Stories powerful allegories to towards the end the emotions of the Quran picks up and it like reaches a cresenda and brings it all to this beautiful powerful births of spirituality and eatology and it all comes together brilliant pounding images and by the time I was getting towards the end of the Quran and my atheism began to fade away I began having these powerful spiritual moments when I felt I was in the presence of this tremendous Divine Embrace I remember reading the Surah you know when I got to the end of that Surah I cried like a baby for 20 minutes I didn't even believe in God and it brought me to tears and you know I would try to deny these experiences as I was having them I would try to step on them they kept on they just kept coming and I and it was whittling away at my athum so by the time I was finished with the Quran I had severe doubts about the non-existence of God so I didn't know what to do I didn't know what to do so I figured I have four more minutes so I I was in now we you're okay because I changed oh yeah you changed it sorry weeks were passing now and I just wanted this experience that I had of reading the Quran to go away I couldn't sleep sometimes when I would walk to work I would think about it when I was sitting at work it would keep coming back to me the questions that raised the issues the power it had over me I mean I was an atheist I shouldn't be having these experiences I needed to talk to somebody and I couldn't talk to the family that had had been adop that had adopted me cuz cuz they didn't have it was clear they didn't have much knowledge of religion so I thought I would go I heard there was a mosque on campus and I thought I would go there and a Jewish student female Jewish student good friend of mine pointed out to me she we were walking by the church one day St ignatious church this big beautiful spiraling church and we were walking by the rear of it and she pointed to the basement and said you see that basement door down there down that stairway I looked down long stairway down to the basement beneath the church she said that's where the Muslim Students pray she said I heard they have carcasses down there you know dead bodies so I said but this was long before but now I remembered her saying that and I thought I would go to the place where the Muslim Students pray and asked him the questions I didn't want I wasn't going to become a Muslim and that's out the question but I thought maybe they could help say something that I could form my own kind of personal religion or something like that or you know or personal philosophy that could soothe me and get this out of my system so in any case so I walk over to the church one morning now I told myself I was going to go Sunday I told myself I was going to go the next day but I had already done what I now it was Wednesday and I thought I would try one more time to get get up the courage to go so I stood out in front of hary Science Center and you just you walk across the parking lot and there's the church hary Science Center where I have my office and I'm looking and I'm staring at the mosque and it was a day like today in Manchester was kind of cloudy but the sun was starting to break through so I finally said Jeff come on just do it so I marched over and I get with my head down and I come to the the stairway ways down in to the church to the basement and I start to get nervous sick to my stomach no no wait a minute I'm not going to no let me let me just go check to make sure that's the place where the Muslims really pray I don't want to be so I look around the church looking for any other more likely entrance cuz it's really a humbling entrance I mean it's in a dark basement it's the stair stairway is dark this mold on the side of the wall couldn't be that so I went around looking for other entrances to the mosque there's nothing so I went inside the church I thought I'd go inside there and ask somebody might know so I went inside the church and the only person there was a janitor and I went up to him and said uh and I looked really nervous uh could you tell me where the mosque is and he looked at me like he was going to hit me with the broom and he's looked at me like are you nuts I didn't even think he knew there was a mosque there I quickly just walked out of the church stood in the now the sun was breaking felt such a relief to be outside then I thought I'll just go try that stairway down beneath the church in the basement underground so I went walked over stood there looking at it I stood there for about 5 seconds and then finally I said okay let's go so I start walking down the stairs every foot closer every step closer the more weak my knees got I walked seven miles a day back in those days I actually used to run 10 10 km to 10 miles a day I had very strong legs they were shaking by the time I got to the doorway I reached out to grab the door my hand was shaking I I turned around I was in a panic I turned around I rushed to the top of the stairs stood there and I thought to myself Jeff are you an idiot you go in and out of doors every day at this University get a grip at most there's nobody there or there's students down there walk down the stairs I turn around head back down the stairs same experience my knees are getting weaker try to reach the door my hand's sweating now it's shaking my head's I couldn't do it I turn around again I walk quickly back up stairs Catch My Breath take some deep breaths then finally finally I said to myself I'll never get down those stairs so I looked up to the heavens I don't know why we human beings do this but we often do this in this sort of situation I looked up to the heavens and it was Majestic and beautiful the clouds were dissipating the sunlight was starting to shine through them I looked up to the heavens and I it made something I hadn't made in many years a voluntary prayer and I said oh God if you are really there you know cuz I wasn't quite sure give me the strength to go down those stairs and go inside that door and then I stood waiting I was waiting for a sign uh I I would have settled for anything you know bolt of lightning a bird lay on my shoulders an earthquake San Francisco we have earthquakes all the time you know I would have taken it I'm waiting for some sort of sign what an idiot I am but it's true I was waiting for a sign no sign I turned around walked down the stairs put my hand on the door pushed it open and there were two students inside and they looked at me and they said Can can we help you immediately I got nervous and I started calling out names of Muslims I knew uh is Mahmud or Omar or Sage here they looked at me again like the janitor upstairs no Nobody by that name here what's their what's their family name I said gandil you don't know them of course not they never go to the mosque so I said thank you for your time I'm sorry I must be in the wrong place I turned around to walk away and then the one of the students who happened to be from Malaysia and he was wearing traditional Malaysian dress short guy ABD I'd find out his name later he said to me would you like to learn about Islam I said oh yeah sure why not so he said well come on in so I started to step in and he said please take off your shoes we we pray here I thought yeah okay all right so I took off my shoes so I walked in and I sat down and they said what would you like to know about Islam I said well I've been reading quite a bit about it by that time I had not only written read the Quran I had read several other books and they told me uh they started talking to me and uh saying some things and I couldn't relate to any of it and then finally Abdul Hanan said after about 3 minutes into his conversation the other student his name was Muhammad YF he was Palestinian and he was dressed in western clothing and ABD Hanan said to me uh something about how when the Angels take your souls when you die they beat them and strain them out of the carcasses yeah torture that I I remember when he said that my response was you know I think I got to go you know I think I have an appointment in my office I I didn't but just I thought that was just so lame so I was ready to leave just then as I'm turning as I'm excusing myself the door opens and now the skies have cleared and the Sun is going down and it's going down right behind the door so the person who opens the door gets silhouetted This brilliant silhouette of a human form but it's just not any human form this fell has a long beard and he has a turban on his head and like granny glasses and he has a cane and he's wearing a th that comes down about calf length and sandals and I'm looking at him and there's this biblical silhouette at the door he looks like Moses coming out of the SI so I thought wow I got to talk to this guy so he walks inside the door he takes off his shoes walks inside his door holds his hands up like this as if he's waiting for a share of something closes his eyes and mutters something so then he uh puts you know resumes his normal posture and then he walks over no he says something to Muhammad YF this fell is also must be an Arab says something to Muhammad YF Muhammad y this brother goes he goes Professor oh so this brother walks over as he's walking over they tell me that's brother kassan brother kassan his name is kasan Zar he walks over he's obviously some sort of big shot in the master but he's a student he's pretty young he's in his mid 20s he walks over he sits down next to me puts his hand on my leg like that and uh trying to get me to relax and then he says he could obviously see I was nervous and then he says what's your name first person that asked me that and it was a nice Personal Touch remember that when you talk to somebody about your faith treat them like a person so he says what's your name I said uh Jeff Lang he said what do you do here he said I work at the University I'm in the mathematics Department he said you're a professor I said yes and he looks at the other two and then he says uh so you came to hear something about Islam I said well sort of and he said uh what would you like to know and I told them I told him what I knew about the religion through reading it and and he was quite impressed and then he started telling me something rules and regulations you know one after another one rule another rule another rule thinking why is he giving me the rundown on the law and then uh it was going getting very dry so I told him uh well thank you all for your time I really appreciated it I thought he would be more fascinating than he was really you know it turns out just another student with this fancy Garba but uh he was a very spiritual man but I could already sense that but he said to me uh so I told him and I meant it this time thank you for your time but I really got to get back to my office now and then he said to me uh you have no other questions and then I said no and I started to get up and then I remembered one just came to my mind I said can you tell me what it feels like to be a Muslim H I used to ask good questions can you tell me what it feels like to be a Muslim I mean how do you feel you in your relationship to God how do you experience it what do you experience and he looked at me turns out this guy was sort of an expert at daa at talking to others about his faith he was the head in the United States of theama and uh he was one of two heads there were two in the United States he was one of them even though he was a young student but you could I could tell his question caught him off guard my question caught him from off guard CU he didn't know how to answer it immediately and then he lowered his head like this and thought for a while and then he made another supplication he closed his eyes muttered something to himself and then he started his answer to my question like this I'll never forget it is as if it was both a call and a prayer he started Allah and then he then he said Allah is so merciful and he loves us more that a mother loves and his and the words he used her baby child he said and yet uh and then he said and and yet yet we can do nothing except by the will of Allah when we breathe in it is by his will and when we breathe out it is by his will and we take when we take our foot off the ground to walk to take a step we'd never accomplish that except by Allah's will and our foot would never reach the ground again except by his permission and then he said when a tiniest leaf falls from a tree he wasn't even looking at me his eyes were closed and he was like talking to himself when a tiniest leaf falls from the tallest tree and twists and turns on its Journey To The Ground he said no segment of that Journey would take place except by Allah's command and then he said and when we pray and put our nose to the ground we feel a peace a joy a rest a coolness that's impossible to describe you just have to experience it to know and I he got done that was it he looked he looked disappointed like what I just said must not make sense he looked disappointed but you know when I was listening to him how much I wish we could trade places so I could just know that spirituality that yearning that Agony that ecstasy that yearning for his lore but of course I was an American he was an Arab you know I was a western I was an atheist of course it wasn't possible and then he said to me CU now it really was going to get leave he said to me so would you like to become a Muslim I looked at him like are you nuts I looked at him and said no I laughed no no thank you actually my hands were sweating the back of my neck was getting wet I felt panic I felt my whole body getting hot but I I laughed it off I said no no not today I it's not for me I just just came to ask some questions and then he looked at me you know like he was looking through me he said I think you believe in this why don't you just try and when he said that before he said that I could see my friends laughing at me I could see myself trying to explain it to my mother how I became a Muslim I could see people stumbling over explanations to old friends of mine some of them were dead by now but you know all these voices and and and heat rushing through my body but when he said that you know I think you believe in it why don't you just try suddenly I just calmed down I didn't feel anything anymore just blank and then I remembered my words my mom used to tell me my mom used to tell me son if you believe in something it had nothing to do with religion if you believe in something and you believe it really truly in your heart you should pursue it wherever it takes you even if the all of humanity is against you and she said that was something about that's a very German thing CU my my parents are German but every everybody believes it anyway so in any case I remembered it and I got comforted from it and I looked at the three Three Brothers there now there were two more that came in rosley and another brother from Malaysia and I looked at them all all the brothers there are five now and I told them yeah I I think I'll become a Muslim and you should have seen their faces they look like the Apollo Engineers after the first successful moon landing you know they were all congratulating each other and smiling and a couple of them were you know hugging each other was amazing reaction I thought that they just had become Muslims and uh and just then the door opens and another brother biblical looking brother comes in the door dressed just like brother Hassan he comes in it's Burly though he looks like Burl IES I don't think you know who that is Old American singer big Burly guy sort of like Santa Claus and uh his name is Mustafa and say Mustafa the brother wants to become a Muslim so Mustafa comes running over and he grabs me give me this big you know the Muslim triple hug which I had never had up until that point to give me a hug and then Gan says to him he hasn't become a Muslim yet Musta Mustafa goes like this let's go me like he discovered something very precious fragile so then Gan says to Mustafa so tell them what to say Mustafa I wanted to give Mustafa the moment so Mustafa then takes me through the shahada very slowly um sh and he's Whispering it can you go a little louder I can't hear you and then he repeats it for me in English I I testify that there's no God but God so he says are you ready and I said yes he takes takes me through it and I say and and I tell you with each word I felt like I had been dying of thirst all those years and with each word of the shahada it felt like somebody was Dripping a drop of water into a parched throat and uh and so I became a Muslim and uh I walked out of there that day and listen

Channel: Didsbury Mosque

Views: 1,430,541

Keywords: Jeffrey, Lang

Id: 3H_C0BMyGCA

Length: 36min 55sec (2215 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 20 2014