Hi guys, Geoffrey here. In this video, I'm going to show you why when the
topic of divorce is brought up, especially if your wife has filed for
divorce, that that's really not the end, but really the beginning
of the healing process. And be sure to stick around
until the very end of this video, because this is not going to be some
BS advice that I'm going to give you, just because I want to
sell you my services, but there's a very good principle
of why this is really the beginning. And what I often see is that people give
up on the relationship way too early on a very premature stage. And it's a massive shame because it's
actually a lot of potential there for their own self-growth, but also for the relationship as well
that they're missing out on something very massive. And for those of you
who are new to this channel, my name is Geoffrey and I help men in
long-term relationships or in marriages with the right skills,
with the right knowledge, to be able to design a thriving
relationship for yourself. So if you want more content on this topic, then be sure to subscribe to this
channel and also click the bell button as well, to be notified when I post
new videos every single week. And before I begin this video also want
to let you know that the free master class that we have in the five proven
steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up is still open. So if
you want to join the master class, or if you want to join our
Relationships Revival program, then be sure to stay to the end of this
video for the announcement on how you can join that. So to begin this video, I want to show you what most people's
mindsets and how their approach looked like. So, you know, we have over a thousand applicants
for our program every single year. And every time someone
applies most people, if not everyone thinks that their
situation is the most unique, the most difficult, the most dire,
the toughest situation there is. And if I could summarize a lot of the
things that people often say to me that tell me for example, Oh, Jeff is too late because my wife already
filed for divorce. It's you know, she said, there's something I can
do, no matter how much I change. She's never going to change her mind
about the relationship about us. She's dead set on moving on. And so to summarize a lot of people's
responses here is that, you know, if there is hope, if their partner says let's work on it
let's work on the relationship together. I still see hope in the relationship, or if they see their partner's
actions showing a glimmer of hope, then their motivation is going to
be very high in terms of working on themselves, working on their
relationship, very, very high. So that's when they will tell me things
like, you know, I would do anything, Jeff, to save my relationship to better
myself, because there's still hope here. But then a lot of people can sometimes
do a complete one 80 here within just a couple of hours to really from, I will do anything to say
my relationship to, ah, what's the point anymore because their
partner tells them, you know what, don't waste money on. Don't waste
time on this program or doing this, doing that because I'm never
going to change my mind anyway. So when the hope is there, they're riding
high, their motivation is very high. Their dedication is very high, but
once the hope is taken away from them, they dip, they can do a complete one
80 and they feel extremely demotivated, very depressed to really
better themselves, to better their relationship and so on. And so they're always riding this
massive roller coaster of up and down of here's. I'm very motivated.
I'm not very motivated. And as I'll show you in a bit, this
is actually a very massive problem, because this is actually the reason why
you're struggling in your relationship in the first place. Why you struggle to be a leader
that can catalyze the change in your relationship and why it's going to be
very hard. If you're tethered like this, to really save your
relationship in any capacity. And this brings me to the second point, which is what I call the
tethering problem. And this
is going to be a massive, massive problem. So let's break down
here. What is the tethering problem? The tethering problem is simply
the, when your happiness, your motivation for working
on the relationship or
going through a conflict and drive to thrive in a relationship and
yourself is really tethered to either an outcome or to your partner. So
here, if the outcome is good, if the outcome seems
hopeful, seems possible, then you double down and
you feel very motivated. But once the outcome looks bad, that's a
conflict, a massive conflict happening. And it seems very hopeless. Then that's when your motivation
just breaks down and you lose all drive to do anything, to save the
relationship or save yourself even. And so the same thing happens
here with your partner. That's the same tethering
effect that happens here, where if let's say your
partner feels hopeless, your partner feels like
there's something you can do. There's no hope for the relationship.
Then you also feel helpless. You also feel de-motivated you
also feel angry as well. Now, if your partner feels
positive, she feels hopeful. Then you also feel positive
and you feel hopeful. Now why is being tethered a massive,
massive problem. So about two videos ago, we talked about this notion of the
paradox of change and that, you know, if you're struggling in a
relationship, it's usually because, um, you've done a lot of things to destroy
that safety and trust over time, perhaps you were controlling, perhaps a
bunch of conflicts could have happened. Now the pedestal change States that
whenever you try to change your behavior, you try to change the way you speak. Perhaps you're starting
to ask more questions. There's going to be a dip here at first,
where your partner will resist you. The external world will
resist you. For example, if you start to ask more questions to
change the way you speak, for example, your partner will tell you, why
are you sounding like a therapist? You don't sound like that. Why
do you sound so fake? And again, in the video I gave you the example
of when I was trying to save my own relationship, right? Whenever
I changed my behavior, my partner would just scoff and say,
Oh, you're right. This is not you. You can't keep this up. We'll see how
long you keep this up. This is not you. You sound so fake right now. You know, every time you want to change yourself
to go to the next chapter of your life, you're going to face
the paradox of change. So if you want more information
on what the paradox of change is, I'm going to include a link
for you down below this video, or also at the end of this video, during
on the end screen as well. And so here, once you understand
that patterns of change, the problem with being tethered
here is that when this dip happens, when this paradox of change happens, you're never going to be able to break
through it because once your partner resists you and she tells you, for
example, as soon as you change that, Hey, you sound so fake right now. It
doesn't matter what you do to change. It doesn't matter what happens.
I'm never going to change my mind. If your motivation, your drive is tethered to either the
outcome of your or your partner here, then you are guaranteed 100%. You're going to give up
during this paradox of change. And this is why most people stay
stuck in your cycle of failures, whether that's, uh, regarding saving their relationship
or building a new career, building a new business,
changing themselves, transforming themselves to become
a different version of themselves. So this is a first, um, really bad implication of what
happens when you're tethered. You cannot break through that paradox
of change ever. The second one is that, you know, whenever you're trying
to save your relationship, especially when you're trying
to save your relationship alone, you're going to need to value the
importance of consistency and momentum. When it comes to breaking your
partner's confirmation biases. And it takes a consistent action
over a long period of time. So a lot of my clients, they stay
consistent with their right process, with the right frameworks, with the
right mindset for three, four, five, six months before they really can break
through that paradox of change that we talked about and battle through that
confirmation bias of their partner. So again, if you're tethered, if you
are not able to source your motivation, your drive for wanting to
better yourself from within, but instead is tethered to either the
hope of an outcome or the hope of your partner or the state of your
partner or your outcome. Then it's going to be very, very difficult for you to stay steady and
consistent and gain that momentum over a long period of time, because it's
going to be the up and down cycle. Like we talked about, especially when we pair this with
that paradigm of change again. So this is why people stay stuck
in their cycle of failures, and they're not able to ever
break through in their life. This is why failures failed because of
the issues, the conflicts, their partner, feeling hopeless. Um, and not despite
that. So if you look a lot of my clients, for example, you know, they face
very, very dire situations as well. Just like you are. They face
a very hopeless partner. They face a partner with very high
confirmation bias against who they are. They face a partner that tells them
nothing will change no matter what you do, I'm leaving the relationship, but yet they're able to succeed
despite this because they're untethered to their motivation and drive when it
comes to bettering themselves. Now, the third reason why this is
devastating is that, you know, if you want to build a thriving
relationship, we have to understand here. And this is discussed in the
previous video and that, you know, thriving relationships, they're not the ones that avoid
conflict or do not have conflicts, but they're the ones that are
able to turn the negative, the conflicts and
misunderstandings into positives. So if you're tethered to either an
outcome or your partner, state of mind, then you can never break
through, um, this problem. And you can never turn that
negative into positive. So let's say if an outcome is bad, let's
say, um, you're having some conflict, something bad happens in your life. Well, if your motivation is
tethered to that outcome, then whenever you have a bad outcome, you're going to have a
bad motivation as well, and a bad motivation to breakthrough
this outcome, this bad outcome, and turn it from negative
into positive. The same, if you're tethered to your partner and
your partner comes home and tells you that she feels hopeless, then
you're going to feel helpless too, which prevents you from actually breaking
through and turning that negative into a positive. Now, if you want more information
on this phenomenon on how
the mechanism of how this one small problem can really expand
into a massive problem over time, then you can check out my previous
video on this topic as well. And I'll include it down below this video, or also at the end of this
video as well. But you know, when it comes to being tethered to
implications are really endless, but whenever you're tethered either
to an outcome or your partner, then you will always struggle
because of the conflicts because of your partner, state of mind,
while people who are successful, they succeed despite the same
circumstances, the same problems, the same partner, state of mind as well. And you can never be a
leader to inspire success. You'll always be a follower here. So if you look at really good
leaders in this world, you know, if a leader feels hopeless because
the rest of his company feels hopeless because people don't believe in
him, then he's going to be a very, very bad leader. By definition, a leader is someone who can source that
strength, that motivation from within, despite what other people are saying,
despite how hopeless people are. And they're the ones who inspire hope
in other people and not the one who is affected by other people. They're
the ones influencing other people. So by definition here, tethered, you can never be that leader
and you can lie to yourself, all you want and tell yourself whatever
stories you want to justify your choice of being tethered. So a lot of people
say, for example, Oh, if only my partner, wasn't so difficult. If only my partner
wasn't so whatever it is, X, Y, Z, then I would have succeeded more. But the reality is that this is just
an excuse for you being tethered, and you can lie to yourself, or you
want to tell whatever stories you want, but you have to understand
that if you think like this, then the failures is
going to be inevitable. Now I want to expand on the implications
of why being tethered so bad by diving deeper into this
paradox of change again. But I want to approach it from a different
angle now to really make this hit home for you and why when your partner
wants a divorce or has already filed for divorce, this is really the
beginning of your journey. So to understand this point, we need to understand what different
shapes people with good habits versus people with bad habits. So there
was a lot of studies done on this, but people with good habits and bad
habits did actually do the exact same things. When things are easy,
when they're well rested, when there's no temptations present, basically when there's no reason
for them to go into the bad habit, people with good habits and bad
habits, they do the exact same things. The key difference lies when things
become difficult, when hope is taken away. When they're not well-rested when
there are temptations present, that's when the chasm between people
with good habits and bad habits really start to show the implication
here is that it's not what you do. It's not the million things
you do when things are hopeful, when things are easy, when there
are no temptations present, but it's the one thing you do when
there are temptations present, when things are difficult, when things
seem hopeless, that defines your habits. And so to take this even further, the
key implication behind this is that, you know, a lot of people, when they're
trying to save their relationship, they spend all day long in the beginning, at least making promises to their partner
about how they want to become the best version of themselves. They'll
better themselves. I'll become, I'll become whatever you want, honey. And I'll do whatever it takes
to save my relationship. And they were trying to prove to their
partner here, how permanent, how real, how genuine their changes really are. But
then because of the paradox of change, because of confirmation bias, their
partner will usually tell them, you know what? It doesn't matter what
you change. I still want to divorce. I there's still no hope. I won't change my feelings
about you or the relationship. There's nothing really you can
do done well, let's just move on. And because they're tethered,
once they hear this, they get instantly de-motivated,
they slow down or even worse. They stop their journey
of growth altogether. They're really don't hold it to
as high of a priority any longer. But what they don't understand here again,
is that when the hope is taken away, when the temptations are present,
when things become difficult, that's actually when their genuine
intentions, the genuine self, whether they're changes are permanent or
not, will really start to show for it. Because if you back down, let's say you're a part of it tells
you that there's no hope in the relationship. And if
you back down right now, it will just confirm to her that you
are doing this for the short term. It will confirm to her that you're
doing this for a bad reason, just to manipulate her to
coming back. Do you not? You have no intention to actually do
this beyond just the relationship for the sake of yourself, with pure intentions, you're doing this simply because you
want to manipulate and trick her into coming back. Basically here,
if you backed down right now, she'll basically be calling
you out on your bluff. And you're going to show her that,
see, I knew it, this wasn't real, this wasn't lasting, this
wasn't permanent. So, and this video here by
contracting with you, what my mental processes were and what a
lot of my client's mental processes are as well, when it comes to going through this
journey of saving the relationship right now, you know, successful people,
succeed, spite, hardships, well, failures fail because of the same, the exact same hardships and
people who are successful. They stay motivated despite things
being difficult and hopeless. Well, you know, failure, just get de-motivated
and keep failing because of the same, um, difficulty and hopelessness as well. I want to give you a moment to
really think about that. And really because you know, people
who are successful, they understand that it's usually when
their partner has you threatened divorce, they have filed divorce and
have taken away all hope, whoever that that's, when your partner
gets to really see who you are, what you stand for, whether your
change is real, permanent or not. And when we talk about
finding confirmation bias, this is when a lot of the fighting
against confirmation bias really would be. And they know that partner knows that
if let's say they threatened divorce and it takes away all hope, and you can still
stay the same self, the same new self, you still want to become
the best version of herself. That it's going to be
real, permanent, genuine, because there's really no
reason to be fake anymore. There's really no reason
to latch onto anymore. There's really no reason to stay
basically that you're doing this out of manipulation or trickery because
there is no hope for that anymore. And this happens all
the time in our program. Usually people spend months
and months, months, uh, the work of building themselves,
building their mindsets, building their, understanding, the framework,
shifting their identity, building their self esteem and all this
time, or three, four, five, six months, their partner just goes downhill all
the time and threatens divorce more and more and more and more. And this is not until the moment when
they're filed for divorce. If you know, submitted the paperwork on their desk
and they're wonders finally see that, you know what, this guy's
behavior is really not changing. That's when they really
changed their minds. And if you want to see proof of this, I want it check out the testimonials
page that we have full of stories of people telling about their journeys
in every single one of these stories. You will see that most of the time, their partner's minds change
whenever they're in this massive dip, whenever they've already taken away, all
hope from the relationship from them. And when they see that, even when it
takes good way to hope, nothing changed. That's when they changed their minds as
well. So it's a massive, massive shame. People give up way too early. When
people tell me, Oh, it's hopeless. I'm not going to buy a program. I'm not going to do this journey of
bettering myself because my partner has given up. It's a massive shame because you don't
understand that that's actually the beginning. That's actually the start
of the journey. Not the end. No. I want to give this a massive
caveat because a lot of
you looking at this video, maybe thinking, okay, so if I need to just stay steadfast and
become untethered and keep my motivation high, despite my partner,
um, being hopeless, then all I gotta do is just double
down on who I am and what I stand for. And really just keep fighting
with the same old processes, with the same old self that I had. That's
not what I'm saying. So it's crucial. You understand what the
right types of changes are. So it's not about going to the gym.
It's not about eating healthier. It's not about making more
money. It's about again, the three layers of change that
we talk about in our masterclass. And what you need to understand here
is that the point of divorce when your partner has filed for divorce, that is really when your real
and genuine self will show. So all it does is it just opens her mind
up to who you really are to who your real and genuine self is what your
real intentions are. The follower does. It opens the door when your is opened,
it will reveal what's inside. You. Do you want to make sure that what's
inside you at that point in time is the real you and the right you as well.
So in our relationships with program, this is something that all our students
have really mastered the skill of being untethered, having the right mindset so that you
can become untethered and source your strength, your power, your confidence, your self-esteem from within
and not externally sourced. And once you're untethered,
you can use the right mindsets, the right frameworks to be able to
showcase the right changes and turn this negative into more of a
positive and really show your
partner who you really are today. And not only that, they also have the tools to make this
change extremely rapidly as well, because, you know, if you're in a dire
situation, time is of the essence. And this is why if you look at any of
our testimonials, any of our screenshots, any of our emails that we send our
clients are able to get massive, massive success. Despite being in a
very, very hopeless and dire situations, you have to understand here that people
did not seek my help until the situation is dire. So by definition, you know, we enroll 500 to 700 people per year. And virtually all of them are
experiencing a very, very dire situation. All of them they're either
on a brink of divorce, their partner has filed for divorce. Maybe their divorce papers are signed
and ready and they're looking for help. So don't ever think that your situation
is the most unique, the most dire, the most difficult, right? You have to become untethered to this
and to keep your motivation high, to grow yourself despite these issues. So if you want to learn the principles
that can allow it to be untethered, turn the negative into positive and really
show your partner who you are during this critical moment. Then I want you to join me in my
master class into five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from
the ground. Up in that masterclass, I'll show you the exact process that
all my students have used to rebuild the relationship despite being
in very hopeless situations. And if you also want to submit your
application for the relationship's rebel program, you can also do this at the
end of this master class as well. So if you want to join that master cos
you can click the link above my head. Also the links down below this video in
the comments or in the description box below this video as well. And if you're
looking for a guy that can help you, um, guide conversations,
better lead conversations, better and understand one of the many
frameworks that we have in our program. Then you can also download the
guide I have for you above my head, or also down below this
video. And finally, if you want to join a community
where you can talk about your issues, discuss your issues and a member of my
team or myself and our community members will provide a response for you
and get some clarity for yourself. Then you can also join me in my free
Facebook group down below this video. So in the meantime, if you
found this video helpful, or if you have any questions on
this, feel free to leave a comment. I would love to hear from you and
love your feedback on this one. And if you found this video helpful
and eyeopening, be sure to like it, it really helps the channel out and
also subscribe to this channel for more content like this one for now, I'll leave you with this two other
videos here on my left to give you more insights and tools and skills for
you to design a thriving relation. For yourself for now. I'll
see you in the next video.
