Dear Future Wifey S2, E209: Heal, Sis, Heal! (Brittainy Noel)

and that is a question that he has been answering over and over and over and over again every time i continue on my journey of discovering who i am he keeps answering this is what i saw when i made you this is this is why i put you here this is why i gave you that charisma this is why i gave you the voice this is why i gave you the personality i gave you these things because i had an idea of who you were supposed to be the tripping part about it is that that relationship had to happen yes it did because i would have never got to a point where i was like god i need you right so i don't regret the relationship ever yep don't regret it at all i needed it because it was the tool that god used to show me that everything that you were up until this point was a lie and so i needed to break you down completely to rebuild you into who i always intended you to be brittany let me tell you something this episode is called heal cysts heal but when i tell you i'm doing everything in my power not to completely break down on this episode because when i tell you you just talked about what i went through i never imagined my journey would inspire people all over the world hello my name is nema and i'm from zambia so i love the dear future wifey podcast for me to see people being so real so honest and so true about the real situations in life i am natalie from belgium and i would like to to say thank you i value your content because it is christ-centered you have set a standard in love dear future wifey podcast has um opened my understanding i highly recommend that everyone whether you're single you're married you're divorced you're widowed everyone to go follow this podcast continue with me as i discover uncover and recover love i'm the tarasar whitfield and welcome to the dear future wifey podcast happy new year lit family how y'all been doing i'm so excited about the testimonies i've been receiving from the last episode you guys have been taking the valve abstinence with me and i'm just i'm just humbled by the impact that that episode had on the world so thank you thank you so much continue to send me your testimonials also what i want you to do is i'm gonna have a link in this in the description i want you to i'm going to be requesting people sending me a video of like a little 30-second testimonial and i'll be putting a video together of a compilation of all these all of you who took the vow of abstinence i think that would be extremely pal uh impactful to show the world hey if you haven't subscribed to dear future wifey podcast what are you waiting for why are you shacking up with me go ahead and let's make this thing official and let's get married and be sure to continue to share these episodes with your friends and family members a lot of y'all already doing that i'm humbled by that and i'm blessed by that so continue to do that i'm so excited to have today's guest on the podcast she's a licensed therapist and mindset coach she's also the host of the new podcast that premieres today it's called i am worthy i've been helping her with consultation so without further ado welcome to the dear future wifey podcast my homie brittany noah thank you for having me how you doing buddy so excited to be here how you feeling um super excited i am grateful to be invited um to be included in the number be including the number i just want to be in the number just want to be in the numbers so i'm happy to be here i have watched many of your episodes um and your guests are phenomenal well you're phenomenal as well and so that's why i wanted you to have on this pa i want to have you on this episode this episode is entitled he'll cis heal we did an episode with my buddy jay barnett uh he's also a friend of yours and um called hill brother hill and a lot of women have been requesting that we do an episode to speak to the women right and i know that whoever god has in store for me i want her to be healed in my letters that i write at the end of my episodes always talk about um wanting her to be healed before we encounter each other so that's extremely important how important is it for people to seek emotional healing before entering into a relationship it's the most important thing before you pick a spouse before you pick um where you want to live before you pick what career you want if you don't understand who you are how you think and how you get in your own way you will be picking out of brokenness and then repeat the cycle that you just came out of so if you want to pick a husband that can help you move into the next version of yourself into the next version of your life you have to pick from a healed perspective and so when you don't take time to do your own emotional work all you're doing is replaying the same outcome over and over and over again then you look up 10 years 15 years 20 years and realize i don't really like my life right now yeah yeah yeah so brittany what do you say to people that give their friends this advice the friend gets out of relationship with this guy and the first thing that this friend says to the other friend hey to get over one guy get under the next what do you say about that well um probably the most dysfunctional advice i have um ever heard unfortunately it's very common and that's actually um the mindset for a lot of people and what i have seen as a therapist is that um whenever we experience any type of breakdown in our lives right especially in our relationships instead of processing the breakup we want to medicate the breakup there it is and you can medicate it with sex you can medicate it with shopping you can medicate it with eating you can medicate it with working out yeah we get really creative about how we distract ourselves from how we're feeling yes um unfortunately most times it's sex um so yeah i do not subscribe to that that ideology however it is very common so why so why is that so common why is it that people gravitate towards sex for emotional healing they feel like it's what they can control so what's funny about that when you said that i was 16 when i first heard that and it came from my aunt yeah i was telling you that and she was telling somebody else i was going through a breakup in high school me and my high school sweetheart broke up and you know i'm devastated and i think prom was around the corner of something i'm just like oh he doesn't want to be with me anymore and my aunt were driving in the car and we were hiv parking lot and she was like she was like okay well you know don't worry about it the best way to get over man is to get under a new one and i was 16 but i knew in that moment i was like this is not something is not right here i didn't know what to call it i just knew this is something is wrong with my family something is off and you know that goes back to you know how people feel like they can control the outcome of their situations by if i was rejected by this man i can go find one who makes me feel wanted who makes me feel desired therefore i'm controlling the situation when really it's a false sense of control um because really it demonstrates your lack of control over your emotions in your body so you said it shows a lack of control yes it's a lack of control over your emotions in your body because you're allowing your emotion to dictate how you respond to situations and then of course there's a layer in there of low value low self value and low self worth and you will give away freely what you don't perceive as being of high value you'll give away freely what you don't perceive is of high value i think that that's one of the biggest things that we don't see valuable in our life and it's one of our greatest commodities is our bodies and so because it's so advertised it's advertised you go look on instagram and you look on the social media sites and everybody you know showing their body and so you see it all the time it's something that people are investing in whether they're um getting body enhancements or whatnot and so they want to show it and it's a very thing that they say i'm it's the biggest struggle that we have in finding not only value in because but it's our biggest insecurity as well and so it's interesting that our biggest insecurity lies in the very thing that we may find the least valuable um that's because most people are judging it by the perception of someone else so i value it highly if you approve of it but if you do not approve then i have insecurities about what that thing is okay so the insecurity is is diminished when you say it's a value and that is the problem for a lot of women is that we are looking for men to validate who we are how we look how we think how we how we move what does he think about it okay if he approves then i'm good but if he doesn't approve then i need to fix that and it changes depending on what man you're with and it changes okay you got to break that down you got it changed just come on let's talk about it it changes depending on what man you're with because as you're moving through life and you're having different partners every partner wants something different yes and so if you don't have a firm understanding of who you are despite the man then you will go into these relationships and become a chameleon to whatever that man wants you to be yes and then you lose an idea of who am i that's good what do i like what makes me happy and it creates a lot of self-doubt it creates a lot of depression a lot of anxiety because if this man leaves i'm left with this shell of who i am and now i need to pick up the pieces what type of advice do you give to women i've seen a lot of your videos on instagram what advice you give to women about yeah finding their worthiness my advice what the whole i am worthy movement is about is really showing women that one you don't need anyone's permission to be who you are fully authentically despite whatever flaws you may think that you may have and that movement was really bred through my own journey of really discovering who i was okay so in my last relationship um completely lost in this person because i went into it not knowing who i was and we met when i was 17. so it's not like i had a clear vision of who i wanted to be but i was molded in that relationship into what he needed and so my entire existence was about okay well what makes him happy and he likes my hair this way and he likes when i when i behave this way and and this is how i please him and so now i'm in this relationship and i have become what he needs me to be and i have forgotten what i was to myself and so when that relationship began to break down it creates a lot of anxiety yes and one of the major reasons why people will not leave an unhealthy relationship when they know it's unhealthy is because if i leave this relationship it means i have to figure out my stuff and that's scary talk about it talk about it that's scary and not only do i have to figure it out but i also have to take responsibility i have to take responsibility right and so many people opt to say okay well let me put in another couple more years to to try to change that person into what i really want basically we we stay in there wanting them to recognize our value and say i'm going to stay there and hopefully it's easy we think it's easier to change their mind than it is for us to change our situation absolutely um it's more gratifying because you feel like you won they feel like they won and then it feels like finally you know someone sees me someone recognizes me the i am worthy movement says i see myself whether you see me or not i see my value i see my worth i'm not waiting for someone to say here's the green light on who you are you have permission i give myself permission and what i'm teaching is that giving yourself permission is a constant thing that you do every day yes and you haven't you have an opportunity in every area of your life to give yourself permission to show up fully to show up wholly to show up bigger than what you normally would especially in your relationships and for what many women it's giving myself permission to ask for what i need giving myself permission to say hey that hurt me giving myself permission to say i need more from you you know or this is how i want to be loved or that's not enough because many times we talk ourselves into downplaying what we want so that we are easier to love and that is a big lie oh that's good that's good that's good we downplay who we are to try to make ourselves easier to love absolutely i start i'm trying to think about that i'm like dude do we as men do that do men say i don't think men adopt that ideology i think it shows up different it may show up differently for men and women and and for men it shows up in what you do because many men define themselves by what they create with their hands and how i can show up and how i can provide so it's not that you would downplay it but you would up play what i can do to validate my position in her life there it is come on come on come on so i have to show her that i can here's my credentials here's my list here's my resume this is what qualifies me to be in your life there it is and the man that has a lot of insecurities about who he is and what he can provide will constantly over communicate will over um extend himself trying to prove his position in that relationship whether it's appreciated or not yep that's what i went through i went through that with that toxic yep lord jesus you went through that yeah you ain't this wasn't supposed to be the men we're talking to to the women right now you're over stepping on my toes right now well both men and women do it we just we just do it differently yeah um and my whole thing is is really helping women see that the key to really finding someone who can love you is to show yourself to the world that you cannot truly find someone and even believe if you found somebody today and he says i love you i think the world of you you're beautiful you're great but if you don't believe that for yourself just going through one another you will call him a lie yeah he'd be like yeah whatever you lying why why what you trying to get what's the problem exactly so i tell women you need to know what you bring to the table and you can't do that from an unhealed perspective yes because when i'm unhealed i can only see the negative about me i can only see the things about me that are broken i can only see where i'm disqualified i can only see all of my all of my mishaps my mistakes and so as i'm entering into a relationship i'm expecting you to reject me at any given day so now that i'm expecting the rejection i move in a way that sabotages any happiness we could have had because i'm gonna jump to the point before you get to it let me end this first i'm gonna end it person right and so for a lot of women i showed them how you know this could have been a great relationship but you you refuse to communicate how you feel you refuse to let them in um knowing that you are worthy means loving without walls i can't do that from an unhealed perspective um one of the biggest things i think for women is we lose our power when we are hurt and we take the standpoint to say okay well you know what i'm gonna thug it out you know my walls go up ain't nobody's gonna hurt me yes you know and we create these these walls that have snipers on the roof guard dogs machine guns and then we have the nerve to pray and say hi can i have a husband please can i have a husband and god is like for what so that you can hurt him so that you can damage him right and so a part of my own healing i had to learn that in order for me to find someone to love i had to be lovable and that means that you cannot love with walls you can love with boundaries and walls and boundaries are two different things but many people feel more comfortable with the wall and i tell them okay well the wall is great it stops you from getting hurt but it also stops you from receiving because walls go both ways so when you're blocking out the rest of the world you're blocking yourself in and that wall stops you from love it stops you from growth it stops you from really seeing the full potential of who you could be yes so one of the scariest things i have to do with with the women i work with is bringing down that wall and allowing the world to see you and you can only do that when you first look in the mirror at yourself and say i'm pleased are you pleased with what you see do you get excited about you but how hard like when you find people you may meet somebody in their 40s in their 30s or whatever and they've spent 10 15 years building a great wall of china around them and even when i was growing up to hear about them tearing down these great walls and stuff the when you learn the history of that it takes a lot of work and political moves to tear down these great walls the wall of berlin and all that then when you think about that and you parallel that to the lives of people that you've helped tear down these walls how difficult is it to really tear down these walls it's easy for the person who has a vision for what they want to be there it is so mindset work is what i've always specialized in and before i was working with women i actually work with men so for four years i worked with combat veterans so rough of the roughest toughest of the toughest and i'm coming in here telling him you need to have a vision right yeah and i remember working with with one um guy in particular and i there's certain stories that just you know touch it about when you know like that's i know what god put me here like that was one yeah and i always give even now every client i work with i give them an assignment they have to tell me what is your vision what do you see yourself becoming not as who you are today not with your limitations but what is the extent to how how far can you see yourself and they have to write it out for me and he wrote it and it was like it was so much fluff it was i was like this is not this is i said no go back do it again he did it again brought it back i was like this is still you're just telling me what i want to hear this is not real gave it back the third time he came to me in tears and he's he was begging me he said miss bernie please don't let me he said i i i don't want to do this assignment and i was like okay well let's talk about why you don't want to and he was like because i've been disappointed so much that i am terrified to dream again and for a lot of people what blocks their vision is they've been hurt so much they've been disappointed so much that it is painful to even have this much hope of what i can be and what i can have so the hardest part is moving them into a place where they can say i'm not sure if it's possible but i'm hopeful once they have the vision the vision convicts them i don't have to convince i don't believe in convincing anyone once they have a vision even this small of what they want and what they can have and who they can be that dream is what's going to feed their motivation to keep it moving and then at that point it's about getting them the tools that they need and giving them the challenges that they need to move out of themselves when i say that that that just touched me because it is so true it is so true and when i think about um the application in my own life god always shows me the vision and then he goes back reverse engineers it and then say let's start here exactly and so when people hit me up and was like gosh you you know you took a vow of abstinence i said well because god told me that my obedience is connected to other men's freedom so he showed me doing a global purity ceremony for men and i laughed at him back in the end of october beginning of november when i did the episode with lestine called abstain the game and i said that's funny and then a couple of weeks later i said me god like am i worthy to do something like that he said yes i'm gonna qualify you and i said why me why me why he said because you'll be obedient but he showed me that first reverse engineered it and then made my wheel line up with his wheel and i had to see it and that is so impactful because most people can't see the promise they can't see the promised land um god that's that's that's powerful it's powerful i'm trying not to start preaching about even in the bible when before they even got a chance to see the promised land he got a glimpse and said i sent the sparrows out to go fight like that stuff is so powerful to me because once you see it and that's what i try to teach my sons is show them where what it looks like to fulfill their destiny and then reverse engineer it and say hey you got to overcome this you got to get healed from this so that you can be better but powerful brit one of the things for a lot of women myself included is you know depending on your background and where you came up and as a therapist yes everything goes back to your childhood yeah because by the time you're 12 you have already solidified ideas about who you are and how the world works and then you take those ideas into adulthood so for a lot of women we weren't given a foundation we weren't given an idea we weren't given a model to say okay this is a woman of true value you know my aunt didn't absol and accidentally come up with the idea of she was told that or it was her life experience yeah that me as a young 16 year old girl she said hey here let me give this to you she was giving me her coping skills and her mechanism yes that i rejected and so for a lot of women your key to healing to become the woman that you want to be or the wife that you want to be will first start to ask yourself what is it that i need to reject about who i've become about what i believe and about what i can have so that i can truly acquire the life that i want um and it's i call it disowning the labels you know by the time i was 16 i had already had so many labels about who i thought i had to be yes in this world and it was all shaped on my background you know i always say i was i was raised by amazons strong black women you know doing what they had to do to raise their children they did whatever was necessary but getting it done being a single mother of five doesn't always mean that you're the most compassionate doesn't always mean that you're the most loving or or you're the kindness and so i adopted that when people meet me now and i tell them if you knew who i was she was a thug there's a whole thug out here in these streets listen she was a savage hallelujah yeah yeah um but yeah so i had to really start to question is this who i am at my core or is this who i become based on how i was raised there it is and what i have found with god is that with me he um going back to what you said he would show me examples of other women that i would look up to and some of these women i knew and some of them i never met we never had a conversation but i always say god will give you a preview of what you can be and when you see the preview your responsibility is to look at that preview and ask yourself okay how do i measure up and then where where's my work because that's where you're going to find your assignment and i never forget i used to share an office with a lady who she's just the small sweet spiritest person ever and i would come to work every morning and i just be grumpy for no reason just it's eight o'clock okay i need my coffee i'm tired you know you're you because it's bad for no reason no reason like you come to work every day eight o'clock they're not they're not changing this ever so why are you grumpy about it and i would watch her and she would walk into our office and be like good morning i'm like oh my gosh there's always one yeah and i watched her every day and and one day just clicked for me and said why can't that be you um why can't that be your story why why have you adopted this negative mindset for no reason what is it that you have to disown so that you can become the better version of who you are what is it that you have to disown to become the better version is that how you said that what is it that you have to disown and i always say start with your childhood i disowned that i have to be abrasive to get my word across i disown that i have to be um aggressive to be assertive i disown that i have to minimize a man's ego in order for him to respect me that was a big one that was a bit when i tell you the women we can chop a man down chop him down and the woman i am today i teach women how to speak to the king in him i have to disown that it was okay to diminish a man to nothing because i felt like he kept me in control and realizing that my true value was not in in and belittling him but lifting him up and that all comes from a hill perspective when you are healed i don't have a need or desire to constantly control someone to feel like my life is going to be okay but because i know who i am whether you're here or not i'm cool because i'm solid so that way when men come into my life they are a addition to my happiness they are auditioning in addition to my joy oh my god i hope this is resonating with a lot of women and you know what i think by default a lot of men are a-manning and high-fiving you because i don't think this is talked about much um i don't think this talk much about it all yeah i have a lot of male followers on instagram and when i post videos like this the men are always like high-fiving and my thing is i'm very passionate about love and i want women to find love but i also see the barriers and i enjoy helping women remove their own barriers because yes there's external barriers that we do not control yeah but the ones that we do control as far as how we show up in our relationships um you know let's fix those yeah and a lot of it is defense mechanisms we are trying to defend ourselves from getting hurt again and the only way that we know how to do it is to minimize ourselves and to use aggression and neither one of those get us to the end goal of what we want which is a loving healthy marriage and so i i you know my own mantra i tell people my superpower is love because this very thing that i try to cut off because of heartbreak i learn that by giving love freely often to people without expectations of it coming back to me i realized um it began to attract everything i wanted in my life and so helping women understand that by cutting off your ability to love or show love only pushes you further out yeah from the end goal and you know i always get challenged when people say well i've been loving and i've been this and i've been that but when we get to examining the motives examining the motives talk about that and this is where you can i can tell if you're healed or not because there's there's there's an assignment i give to some of my clients and it's called love on purpose and i tell them to go out into the world and you are to love on everybody love on the the man in the starbucks line love on the person that will help the door open for you you know give affirmations to your friends and your families and just love on them on purpose because i'm trying to help them flex their love muscle and they'll say well why am i going to do that you know they they can't do anything for me they they don't say that they start putting on somebody else and i tell them love is not about what you expect to get back talk so when you talk about wanting to go into a marriage marriage is not about how you will be served it's how you expect to serve so you're flexing your love muscle is equipping you and preparing you for the marriage you say that you want because you're learning how to love on purpose because there's going to be times where that man don't act right where he is on your last nerve and you are still called to love him so by loving on purpose it's equipping you to be the loving individual you are no matter if the world is going the way you wanted to go that day and what stops a lot of women from being able to do this is that we are so consumed with showing up for other people forgetting to show up for ourselves that we are operating on e many times that we are depleting ourselves trying to please the people that we have in our lives and this is why i say examine the motives because we get away with it because they say oh she's a great mom yeah she's a wonderful nurturer she takes care of the church she's there for everybody all the while those are really her distractions stopping her from fixing her stuff so yeah you a great mom of the year mom of the year but the minute you have an empty nest you were going to fall apart and i worked on an inpatient psychiatric unit with women for three years and i would have women coming in 40 years old 50 years old psychotic breaks depression suicide attempts and i'm like well tell me what's going on the kids left why would your kids leaving which should be a sign of success yes why would your kids leaving be the spur into a depression a spiral of depression and it's because you never built a life you consumed yourself with helping other people so that you would not have to fix the parts about you that were broken um and now that the distraction is gone you sit here in your fifties wondering what am i going to do that is good yeah that is good i i really um i always tell women heal the first time around let's not make this let's let's not make this a constant cycle i don't want you in your 50s trying to figure out how to love yourself i don't want you in your 50s trying to figure out how can i communicate from a place of love let's heal the first time around and that means that i can't medicate my pain one of the hardest things for me when i was going through the breakup from my last relationship was literally feeling like i was in surgery without pain medication and that's where um you know i i know you know everyone everyone who follows your podcast is christians no it's not i get people from all kind of backgrounds so you remember my podcast isn't it i tell people this all the time i want to make this disclaimer like my podcast isn't a christian podcast no i responded to somebody on my uh in the comments today they said this is you know i see this podcast and this is just like all the other christian podcasts um that they don't use scriptural or biblical references for the uh information that they put out there and all this and i said thank you for leaving your comment i said uh i am a christian this is a podcast and and that was it and she says i understand thank you for clarification and what i was saying in that is that this is not a christian podcast because if i put it under the guise of christian podcasts and now that subscribes to your expectations absolutely now you're saying well it has to be this and now i have to break down scriptures and tell you in first colossians three and four it says this and that's why it's not that and when the bible calls us walking epistles when people are watching my podcast because this is my personal journey you are literally watching the book of the tariffs right and so when you go read the bible and you're reading these stories of these uh flawed men pursuing a perfect god then that's exactly what it is so i don't want you thinking this is something else so this is this is my personal journey and i have permission to to show up authentically me every time i sit down in this seat and because i'm a christian then you're going to get some christian truths but you're going to also hear some stuff that you're going to hear in my mistakes in my own ideology about life that may be biblical and may not because we're all a work in progress and so that's that disclaimer so say whatever you're gonna say i said all that for you to say right say whatever you're gonna say no so i was gonna say um you know when you subscribe to the idea that i'm gonna stop band-aiding my problems and really start addressing them that it does feel like there's this open wound that's just open to the air and so our initial response is to run away from that and it's kind of like how we said earlier where people are running running to sex running to another person and realizing that when we run to other people we're either spreading our brokenness or inheriting their brokenness and i feel like there's enough brokenness in the world already so let's let's not do that let's not do that let's not do that um and like i said let's heal the first time around so i always advocate when you come out of any type of painful experience it doesn't even have to be a breakup but any type of painful experience where you have had disappointment hurt pain grief 2020 was a year of grief for a lot of people if you don't sit down and actually start processing that and cleaning out that wound it will um penetrate every area of your life um so yeah what made you say that what made you say that well i know this this is a christian where you say that i was trying to find my thought um oh yeah so i was saying when like when i went through mine it felt like i was just and come straight out of surgery and um i self-medicated with alcohol like every day i got off working with just drinking and partly because i was still living with this person yeah so i was still yeah yeah i went together and y'all we were not together we were still living together oh that's painful it open yeah painful to the point i would come home and he's on the phone with another girl already and i'm just like we haven't even moved out yeah yeah okay yeah because dudes we ain't gonna wait we don't waste no time absolutely absolutely and it got to the point where um if you re i wrote a book that released i think june or july 2020 where i actually described the book picked up on when this relationship ended and um it was the night i was we had just had a huge big blow up fight um to the point to where i told him i was like look um because he was the type of person that um you could catch him in the bed with five women mm-hmm you're gonna talk his way out of it and say that it wasn't me it wasn't me that's not what you saw it was a whole song called that it wasn't me you can catch me in the shower it wasn't me you can get it sure it wasn't me sure that i saw you there it wasn't me it wasn't me we we had a big blow up and it the blow up was over and this is why ladies if you are listening you you have to know who you are yeah but i was adamant to hear him say that i did not love you and he would not say it because i kept saying like you cannot say you love me and we've talked about this before you cannot say you love me and then do these things and in my head i was so connected to him that i was like i just need to hear you say it so that i can i can let myself go yes so that if i hear you say it then i will i can leave this that's the lie i told myself yes that i needed his permission to leave yes that i needed his permission to him for him to finally say you know what i didn't love you we're over we're done and now you can have your freedom and unfortunately that's the truth for a lot of women yes they're looking for this other person to one either be sorry remorseful or give them permission to move on with their life and it's a lie it's a lie that you've told yourself to give yourself permission to stay in something that's breaking you so we were having that big draw and it was a long fight where at the end i think he just got tired and was just like i do not love you but you you kept trying to ask for that oh we were going back and forth like you don't love me you don't let me say you look i like just say it just it i'm not going to just say it i told you just say it okay if you just say it i'm done just say it and then you know i'm telling you it was crazy i'm telling you it happens all the time it's so people can relate to that trust and when he said it it was literally like um like you know you hear like a high-pitched noise it was like i heard a chalkboard scratch someone scratching a chalkboard and it was like someone took the air out of my body like just stunned completely collapsed on the living room floor he you know grabs his keys he leaves and i'm laying there and that was the first time that i i i always say that's the second time i heard god's voice very clearly by this point i'm completely exhausted and i heard guys say if you don't get up and leave here you're going to die go ahead god told me that same thing in 2018. and i knew when he said it that it wasn't a physical death but it was going to be like a spiritual and emotional death that you have already sacrificed so much of yourself to be with this person that if you stay at this point every good thing that you love about you will die and i was laying there and i'm just like okay and i got mad i was like okay god if this is what you want me to do fine i'm gonna get up and i'm gonna go but where i'm gonna go cause i don't have no money i'm in houston by myself i have no family here and at this point in my life literally everything in my life had broken down so i had fallen out with my family i didn't have any support in houston and he was supporting me i was in graduate school so i was like what do you want me to do i said if you want if you want me to leave him fine but you're going to have to do it and so i called myself having an attitude with god and went to sleep and the next morning my brothers called me and my brothers you know never say that they call me and say they're coming to houston that day and i was like okay i was like i need y'all to move me out of here. and my brother's like okay yeah sure no problem and they never come to houston ever and they come and they say we're on our way so they called me they came moved all of my stuff out that that same day and um i pawned everything like that i literally had zero i pawned everything that i could to get money went to go stay at a friend's house and hopefully this friend doesn't watch your podcast but she was i love her to death she was a co-worker of mine we weren't even good friends but she was like hey if you need somewhere to stay you can come here so i went there i'm sleeping on her couch and this apartment was the absolute worst roach infested house and if you know i don't do creepy crawlies at all but i was so broken yes i looked at that roach and was like what's up what's up i'm your new roommate how you doing what's up my name brittany i'll be here all 2500 of y'all what's up like it didn't even phase me and it reminds me of that story in the bible where it talks about the son who was um yeah yeah with the pigs yeah because i had lost so much in myself that i was like it doesn't even matter at this point and just being so numb and it was maybe a two-week period that i was there in that two weeks i had just stopped like everything and i had this part didn't make it in the book but i had a bible on this side and a bat on this side and i said god i don't know which one i'm choose today one of them i don't know which one because in that two weeks period i was going through cycles of grief yes because i had just given this person six years of my life and have nothing to show for it and to feel completely discarded and for a lot of women when they come out of relationships broken it's feeling complete like like i was i was nothing more than a paper towel to you to someone you were my moon star sun earth i would have given anything for you and i was nothing but something you wiped your hands with and walked away talk about it and so i'm sitting there trying to come to grips with this and the deepest part about it in this two week period i was completely avoiding myself because i didn't want to feel everything i was feeling and one day i was standing in the mirror and i looked at myself for the first time and i was like i don't know who this person is i don't know who she is i don't know how i got here and in the book i call it the mirror of ugly truths where i had to actually be honest about why i was in that apartment and the truth that came out of it was that britney you knew you knew early on that this person was not the person for you but he made you feel needed he made you feel valued he treated you like trash but when he came and did the cleanup he made you feel as if you were seen and so you were willing to sacrifice yourself for this little bit that he gave you that's truth number one truth number two that's what you were taught how to do i watched the women in my family accept so little from men and then brag about it as if it was the sun moon stars in the earth and was taught that i should be proud to be picked by a man even if he chose somebody else on thursday and so as i'm standing in that mirror coming face to face with all of my truths i just weeped and just weeped and just weeped and then when i got up i had to make a decision do i stay in this broken place and accept this reality of who i am or do i get to create something different and i was like okay god i can't stay here so i need you to tell me what you see when you see me because i have no idea who i am so i need you to tell me who am i what am i supposed to be because i'm looking in this mirror and i don't like what i see so i need you to tell me who am i supposed to be and that is a question that he has been answering over and over and over and over again every time i continue on my journey of discovering who i am he keeps answering this is what i saw when i made you this is this is why i put you here this is why i gave you that charisma this is why i gave you the voice this is why i gave you the personality i gave you these things because i had an idea of who you were supposed to be the tripping part about it is that that relationship had to happen yes it did because i would have never got to a point to where i was like god i need you right so i don't regret the relationship ever yep don't regret it at all i needed it because it was the tool that god used to show me that everything that you were up until this point was a lie and so i needed to break you down completely to rebuild you into who i always intended you to be brittany let me tell you something this episode is called hill cysts heal but when i tell you i'm doing everything in my power not to completely break down on this episode because when i tell you you just talked about what i went through uh for three years with somebody and i always talk about that instance from time to time but i never go deeper in it and that's why i said god is so intentional about who he brings on this podcast because i tell guys season two i want you to just specifically bring specific people on this podcast because like i said people understand this is my personal journey and what people glean from these episodes is from the overflow of what god is doing in my life but this is my therapy so my podcast the bible says confess your faults one to another so that you may be healed and so every week when i bring a guest on and we're talking we have these conversations i get another dose of of healing it's like god injects something into my veins and like here son take this and in this episode it is touching me in ways that i'm about to just run around this doggone studio right now especially when you said the part about god said that you will die i had a text message from one of my good friends her name's renee and god just used her as a intercessor um in my life when i was going through what i was going through and she would just text me stuff that she had no business knowing she would just text me stuff and i mean prophetic stuff over my life and i'll be holding the phone like what the heck why is god uncover me like this like i wanna i wanna suffer in silence i wanna i don't want nobody to know that i'm suffering like this and um gosh the stuff that you're saying is like it just it just took me back it literally took me back like it took me back and i'm sitting there like i'm not gonna cry while this girl is talking right now i am not going to do that i have that effect on people but no you don't be i ain't in no therapy right now i'm just not what you talking about i mean that that that's powerful and that's what i get the most healing from is when people talk about what they've been through and i think we all get that because we go hey i wasn't alone in this it wasn't just me and this and um so yeah that's powerful that's powerful i don't know what other questions i ask you you can you can whatever you feel led to say i'm just going to sit here i'm just i'll close it out once you say whatever you finna say next but i don't know that number i mean i think you know my i've made 2021 my own personal um declaration of being the year to bloom and i'm taking women with me on this journey and blooming means really uncovering every part of you that has been hidden and many times we hide from the greater parts of who we are because it does require greater responsibility yes so helping women really own everything about you that's fabulous everything about you that's beautiful everything about you that adds value into this world i'm really trying to help women move out of i always there's three ways in which we define ourselves um the first one is who you are which is the shell of who you are you know i'm a woman i'm black i you know do this i i'm a therapist so it's just the shell of who you are where i want people to start focusing on is and i got this from a young lavender but it's how she says it but it's how you be and how you be is the essence of who you are so the shell is just my outer form but how i be is the experience of who i am and um i really want women to focus on how how do people experience you how do you experience yourself when you walk into the room can they feel your love can they feel your compassion do you light up the world do you stand out is there something about you that is memorable and many times the answer to that for a lot of women is no because they they have allowed life to minimize who they are right and when that happens you don't show up as your full self in your relationships um and it does such a disservice to the people who love you because they should be able to love all of you without hiding who you are so really focusing on the experience of how i move in this world and then what am i what am i put here to do and that is where your legacy comes in that is where your gift comes in that is where your passion comes in and that's where you are being used as a tool to make change in the world so my goal is to really help women move out of this shell idea do you know how many women i ask them who are you they can't answer and they cannot answer can't answer yeah yeah and imagine marrying someone who can't define who she is yeah it's tragic so brittany i'm gonna conclude this because i'm gonna be messed up i'm trying i'm trying not to just just totally lose it right now like i'm trying my best i'm gonna keep it lit man i am keeping it lit but i this i'm just finna just literally just want to just get in the corner just cry right now and um yeah that's messing me up one of the things that you said earlier about um god you said god i need you to tell me who i am it's amazing that god asked his disciples the same question he said who am i and he asked them who am i say well some say that you're john the baptist recarnate some say that you're a prophet elijah some say this he says but who do you say that i am and he was asking them that question of identity because it talked about you've been hanging out with me all this time you've been kicking it with me all this time i don't care what other people say that i am i want you to tell me who i am to you and then he says i say that you are christ jesus um and that is so powerful because one of the things that i desire in my future wifey is for her to be able to say who i am when i ask you who who am i because because if i'm just are you some dude you some you litters you just you some dude you know what i'm saying don't get me started yeah it's just like oh then you didn't you agree i'll be like okay thank you so much that's that's nice meeting you i i'm and listen i i love teaching this is why i say love is my superpower because i love that i don't i actually don't teach on as much as i would like to but when it comes to affirming your king i tell women you have to speak to the character of the man it's one thing to tell him thanks for taking out the trash you know thanks for picking me up from work but when you can talk about thank you for being consistent in my life thank you for seeing me thank you for validating me thank you for being someone i can depend on someone i can trust like it goes deeper when you can speak to the character of who he is yes because sometimes they need a reminder yes and if i can reflect to him what i see then when he looks at me i'm always beautiful yes come on yeah i had a conversation with my uh friend arisha we did a live uh this past well when this episode airs it'd be this past saturday with it was celebrating the one million views of dear future wifey and kariga and corey just went into affirming who i am and who i am to them and corey began to talk about how uh him meeting me what less than about six months ago changed his outlook and as i've subconsciously been a mentor in his life and made him a better man and i was just listening to him and i was like oh my god cause when someone speaks like that to me it just it it hits differently i'll just say it i'm a words of affirmation that's my love language and so i was just like oh my god and then i saw narisha on the video she started clapping her hands and stuff and i was watching the playback today and i was looking at the video and i called her and i said i'm noticing you in the background clapping why is that she said because people get a chance to see who i've always seen you be like you are a dope guy she said you look for you look for opportunities to be a blessing for people you go seek it out like she said you go seek it out and in the middle of talking to her she began to cry and say you remind me of my father like like in his life you know in his older years that he looks for opportunities to to be a blessing to people and i said because i just love people so i love people i'll try to find if it's a homeless person i'm going to try to change his whole life like i love being a part of people's lives where i can change the trajectory of their lives and um but to just hear those words spoken um those are my flowers don't don't you know celebrate me when i'm gone but i i love to be i love to hear that when i'm alive and so i commend you on the work that you're doing um and helping women rise to their queenship and speak to their kings because you hear all this stuff and these these songs that they're great i mean just make men feel like they were you know worthless then it's great to see uh the opposite but um how can people reach out to you um everything is britney noel.com so my website brittanynoel.com instagram for you know our facebook you know and make sure that you click the link at the bottom or what the link in the description of this episode on youtube if you're watching us on youtube to uh be linked to our i am worthy podcast so thank you so much brittany for joining us on the dear future wifey podcast you showed up and you showed up vote both individual thank you thank you for having me this episode hit differently while i was talking to brittany i began to flashback and think about the toxic situationship i was involved in and some of the stuff that she said was some of the very things that god told me to um encourage me to escape that situation so this episode hit hit really differently um i normally write these letters the day um after i shoot the episode and so leading into i couldn't even begin to write the letter for this episode i just didn't know what i was going to write and then god began to tell me i need you to forgive and let that situation go and so today to the woman who hurt me two years ago i forgive you i'm releasing you today i forgive you now forgiveness doesn't mean that the person wasn't wrong forgiveness simply means i no longer hold that account i no longer hold that debt i no longer even hold the docket where the offense was made i forgive you dear future wifey today i totally release the pain from my past situationship i finally truly forgave her and dropped off the remaining load i didn't even know i was still carrying at the feet of jesus i am mentally emotionally spiritually and physically available for you heal baby heal do the work the tough work the introspective work the necessary work the intentional work the god ordained work in your life before i make you my wifey you're dope without me but our dopeness together is a whole entire meth lab explosive my love just think of how astonishing and powerful we'll become together our chemistry will be our ministry your future thank you for listening to the dear future wifey podcast remember be lit live intentionally and transparently and don't stop loving make sure to subscribe to our dear future wifey youtube channel we're available on apple podcast google podcast spotify and stitcher we welcome your support simply share our podcast with your friends and family

Channel: Dear Future Wifey

Views: 40,126

Rating: 4.9710035 out of 5

Keywords: dallas, love, podcast, relationships, black love matters, black men, Christianity, healing, weddings, marriage

Id: WVLOFWfmbUo

Length: 59min 32sec (3572 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 06 2021