[upbeat music] >> Here we go, I guess you've been doing a
sort of relationship series. Is that right? So, we didn't know that
but we're sort of gonna, I don't know if we're wrapping it up, but we're gonna talk a
little about relationships. But, not really romance relationships, although what we're
gonna talk about applies to any and all relationships. 'Cause probably the most
important thing you need to know when you are in a relationship
whether its marriage, dating, teammates.
>> Friendship. >> Anything, any relationship,
is how to resolve conflict. Here's what I know about conflict. We never have conflict, but you guys do. So, we decided to talk to you about it. >> Here's the thing, what did Jesus say, "They'll know you by," what? How you love each other, right? >> Unity.
>> Unity. So, what happens is, is Satan's strategy is
to always cause division. We're passionate about this
'cause it drives us crazy that you go to school all these
years to learn a profession, but how many years have you spent learning how to have great relationships? How to love each other? Most of us, and when we do this, most people say, "I've
never heard anything "on how to have great relationships "with friends, peers, husband,
boyfriend, girlfriend." So, we're passionate about, like, we should learn this stuff so that Satan doesn't get a foothold
into our relationships. >> So, we're gonna take
the next 27 minutes, we're gonna fly, because
the last time we talked about this was on a love boat. We actually spoke on a marriage cruise, 3,000 couples on this boat for six days talking about marriage. We called it the Love Boat
'cause it was all these couples and we talked about how
to resolve conflicts. Here's what we're gonna do. It applies to marriage, obviously, but it applies to every relationship. So, here's the first thing. If you're taking notes, you're gonna write in your notepad or
whatever you're gonna do. First thing you need to know, there's basically four
styles, or patterns, when it comes to conflict
and you fit in one of these. You may do several but you
probably fit one of these. Write 'em down real quick. The first one is this. Some people want to win the
conflict, I call it winner. Conflict happens, they're
good at it, they can debate. They usually bring out
fingerprint evidence and iPhoto shots and
evidence and they win. They're really good. The second style is what I call yield. Some people call it lose,
but I call it yield. They yield to the other person because they think the
relationship's more important than this specific conflict. So, sometimes they just
yield to get resolution. The third one is withdraw. >> And the withdrawer, what
they do is they hate conflict, so they just want to get away from it. They don't want to deal with it, they just want to run away from it. >> They may shut you down. >> They usually leave or
shut down emotionally. >> And then last one's resolve. Some people, and this is what
we're gonna get to tonight, how do you get to
resolution 'cause everybody, you know this, everybody knows how to
have conflict, everybody. We do, you do, we all do. Let me tell you, less than
10% know how to resolve it. It's scary, less than 10%
actually get to resolution. >> I was just gonna say, now
think, like, what are you? This is really important to know. What's you style? Have that in your head. >> You guys don't know us, you might've heard us this morning, some heard us yesterday in class. But, take a guess what her style is. Anybody want to guess from this morning? She's a winner. She is really good. She like rolls up her sleeve,
"Let's talk about this. "Let's go right now." She grew up in a family, that's
how they handled conflict. It isn't always your style
is the same as your parents or what you saw. But, often, you sort of copy that. So, she was a winner. Of course, we didn't know any
of this when we got married. We just got married. "We love each other,
it's gonna be awesome." And then we started learning this stuff. It's like, "Oh, my gosh, she's a winner." Guess what I am? I am withdrawer. Now, you heard it if you
were in chapel this morning, you heard the very end,
my story, my family. Two alcoholic parents,
abuse, divorce, affairs, the whole thing, right? In my family, whenever there was conflict, it got ugly and it ended in divorce. So, I grew up thinking,
"Man, you avoid conflict "at all costs." It never works, you don't talk it through. So, we get married and, you
know, we're missionaries. We go on staff with crew. We're raising our support
back in our hometown in Ohio. We're living with her parents. They're gone for an afternoon
and we get in a fight in the house, nobody's
there, the windows are open, nobody's home and I get up
and start to leave the room. I don't even know if this is what I do. >> We're in this huge fight. So, he just-- >> I just literally started
to walk out of the room. I'm like, "I'm not gonna talk about this." >> And I'm amazed, like, you
guys, this is what I say to him. This is so bad. I was like, "Where are you going? "Come back here and fight
me like a man, you chicken." Who says that, right? >> And I'm halfway through
the kitchen and I hear that and I literally turn around. I stood right at the
door of the family room. I go, "Oh, yeah, well, bleep you." >> Which I went [gasps].
>> And I take off. I cursed at her. I know you can't believe I
curse, but I actually did. This is 36 years ago, okay? I've matured. But, that's what I said. It was almost like, "You want
to know what a man does?" I didn't even think of this 'til later but that's what I saw my dad do and I just copied it. I bleeped and I turned to walk away. And then here's what
I hear from behind me. I hear her go, "Oh, yeah,
well, bleep, bleep you!" And I, in my whole life,
had never heard her curse and I'm like [gasps], "Oh,
my gosh," and I took off. >> Our windows are open. Our neighbors are probably thinking, "Oh, that's that young
missionary couple having a fight. "That's awesome." >> I was 22, she was 19. She follows me upstairs. >> He goes upstairs, he
closes the bedroom door to get away from me. I open the door, I go and
I sit right down beside him like, "We have to talk about this." >> I'll never forget it. I was like, "What are you doing?" I was so uncomfortable. You know why? At that point I'm married now. I don't know if I had ever,
ever, entered into a conflict. I always withdrew. I always got in a car, drove away, broke up with the girlfriend, ended the relationship,
"I'm too good for this. "I don't need this." That was my MO. Here we are married and she's saying, "We gotta resolve this." Here's the reason I avoided conflict. Not just my family, I had a presupposition that conflict is bad, you avoid it. Was I right? No. I have totally flipped that. Here's what I will tell you. Conflict is good. I'm not saying always, like, "Hey, let's go have a fight tonight." I'm not saying that. But I'm saying if you learn
somethings, even tonight, we're gonna fly really fast and learn how to resolve conflict, you will get to a place
in your relationship, romantic relationships,
teammates, classmates, families, better than you've
ever been in your life if you will do, we call it at our church, on our staff, let's roll
up the sleeves and go. And that doesn't mean fight. That means let's roll up the
sleeves and do the hard work. 'Cause it's hard work, really
hard work to resolve conflict. >> I always really felt
like when we get through that conflict, we're better. We know each other
better, we've talked more and now we know each other. So, we've become even
better in our relationship. But, you never saw it like that. >> No, and I do now. I'll tell you this. This is the big truth of this whole thing. It's one big idea. This is basically, the health and future of your relationship is determined by how you handle conflict. I actually think relationship
and conflict rhyme so you can remember it better. The health and future of your relationship is how you handle conflict. Okay, so that's how it
works, that's how I preach. I always want it to rhyme. Here's the thing. Some of you know the marriage writer, probably the foremost expert
in the country, John Gottman. He's the guy that can spend 15 minutes with a couple and watch them fight and tell you if they're
gonna make it or not and he's 98% accurate. 15 minutes, he watches them
try to resolve conflict and he says, "They're gonna make it. "They're not gonna make it." He's right almost all the time. The most important thing for the future and health of any relationship you have, marriage relationship,
friendship, you name it, is how you handle conflict. So, here we're gonna go. We're gonna give you five s's. They're all start with the letter s. They're two word
statements, five principles. I hope we can get
actually all of 'em done. We'll try our best, but here they are. The first one you need to know. If you're gonna resolve conflict, the first s is this, shut up. Write it down. You're thinking, "What else?" That's it, shut up. What do I mean? Shut up and listen. 'Cause often in a
conflict, we don't listen. Like what I'm doing right now. I'm not letting her talk. I'm talking, talking, talking, and that's what you do in a conflict. You talk, you talk. And when they're talking,
all you're doing is, you're not even listening. You're just like, "Would you shut up?" and you try to jump in. It's like, no, you gotta shut up. Don't say a word. Focus in, turn the phone
off, turn the TV off, look 'em in the eye and
try to listen, for what? The real issue 'cause the
issue's usually behind the problem they're talking about. It may be that, but it's
probably something behind that. If you don't listen,
you won't even catch it. >> So, you guys have heard James 1:19. But listen to it now. "My dear brothers and
sister, take note of this. "Everyone should be quick to," what? "Listen, slow to speak,
and slow to become angry." What if we lived that out, honestly? What if we lived it out that we were slow in getting angry but we
were quick to listen. >> Two ears, one mouth. That should be the ratio. Literally, it should be. We should listen twice
as much as we speak. Now, do we need to speak any conflict? Yeah, that's the third s. Don't write it down yet,
we're gonna get there. But, the first thing we need to do is shut up, close our mouths,
don't try to make our point. Try and really listen. By the way, a lot of listening is not just what they're saying, it's
how they're standing, their posture, their tone of voice, all that is communicating
something beyond just the words. >> Because here's the truth. Because we've raised three
sons and I'm married to Dave, I realize that a lot of
times, Dave would come home, he wouldn't even tell
me what he's feeling. If I was upset, I would be verbalizing it or I would be crying. I'd never come home and
Dave's sitting on the couch like, "I had the worst day." He just doesn't do that. But he gets quiet. He gets, like, moody or
else he's angry and snappy. So, I should be thinking,
not, "What is your problem? "Why are you being a jerk?" I should be thinking, "What happened and what's
the underlying issue? "Why are you acting like that?" >> So, I'll tell you a quick story. I was preaching at our church,
I don't know, years ago. I know how long ago 'cause
our two sons were with you. I'm standing outside our church. It's right before our last service. We do multiple services on the weekend. So, I'm standing outside. It's a cold, sort of,
spring day in Michigan. I'm sort of welcoming
people in the front door. "Hey, welcome to
Kensington, how you doing? "How you doing?" I see Ann pull up and
there's a parking spot right by the front door. She whips into it real quick, she's late. She and two of our sons get out. Austin was, what, 16? Cody, that means he's 14. They come running up. They're all excited 'cause they got a really good parking
spot by the front door. >> Well, yeah, because
here's what happened. I'm late 'cause our kids are
teenagers and we're late. So, I pull in. >> She's blaming the kids, you hear that? >> Everybody's there and I see this spot right by the front door. I'm like, "Thank you, Jesus, for my spot." Pull in, I see Dave, like,
"Hey, you're out here "it's sunny, you're greeting everybody." And he looks at me, he's smiling. "Oh, hey, how you doing everybody." And then he whispers in my
ear, like, yelling at me. >> Whisper yelling,
that's what you just said. >> It was like, "Go
move the car right now." >> I said, "Move the car now." And she's like, "I'm not moving the car." >> I said, "No." I said, "God gave me that
spot, I'm not moving it." >> I'm like, "God did
not give you that spot." I go, "Austin, here move the car." Austin's like, "No, I'm
not moving the car." >> I stood in front of Austin like this. "No, no Austin, don't move the car." >> I'm literally in front
of the church going, "Hey, how you doing, welcome to church. "Go move the car." It was like, "What are you doing?" And then, I'm like, "I
gotta go in and preach. "You get that car moved," and I took off. And I go in and I'm up there preaching. I can see her sitting in the back. >> Oh, and I'm sitting
in the back like this. Like, "I can't stand the
pastor of this church. [audience laughs] >> I could tell she's thinking that. Every time my head went that way, I'm like, you know, giving her the look. Like, "This isn't finished," you know? So, I get home later. Now, here's what you don't know yet. You're probably thinking,
"What's the deal, dude? "Why are you asking her to move the car?" Okay, I'm gonna give you my
side of the story, right? >> It's no good.
>> It's good. It's the truth and this is the reality. We started our church 25 years ago. So, we're the founders, right? When you're the founders of a church, you get to set the values. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. But, one of our core values
to this day 26 years later, is we leave the best
parking spots in the church for the unchurched that aren't there. We leave 'em. Our members, literally, we
had, "Raise your right hand. "I'm gonna park across the street. "I'm gonna park in the back lot." There's no Pastor Wilson
spot by the front door. I'm not saying churches
can't do that, we just don't. Those spots are left for the people that we are trying to reach. >> They were already there. >> They were not there. >> They were already there, I was late. So, they were already inside. >> So, my wife, the pastor's
wife takes the best spot. I'm like, "No, you've gotta move the car." Okay, everybody with me? Nobody's with me. >> They guys are, they guys are. Look at some of them are. >> Okay, okay, I got one. >> We're not done yet, you keep going. >> So, I get home after preaching, right? Sometimes conflicts are going for hours. >> We couldn't resolve it then. >> Yeah, we couldn't. So, I walk in the door. I'm not kidding, I walk in the door after that last service, I walk in. The second I see her in
the kitchen I'm like, "I cannot believe you parked there. "What are you thinking?" So, we start yelling at each other. We don't yell often, but
we were yelling then. >> We speak around the
country on this stuff. >> We're experts.
>> We know the skills but we didn't care at that point. We're just yelling at each other. So, I'm like, "Oh, my
gosh, I can't believe "you're so angry about it." >> By the way, neither
one of us are listening. >> At all.
>> Or shutting up. The very first principle, I'm telling you. So, it gets so bad that my son Cody, he's now on our staff, so
he's 25, married, he was 14. He's sitting at the end
of the kitchen table. I'm at the other end. We're going at it and Cody goes like this, "Hey, dad, don't you and
mom speak around the country "on how to resolve conflict?" And I go, "Yeah." He goes, "Could you maybe show me? "Maybe you could do it. "This isn't looking real good." I remember going, "You sit
right there, young man, "you watch this whole thing." So, I go at it. She actually leaves and goes upstairs. >> I was so mad. >> And I was like, "Yeah, you should. "You know you're wrong, go upstairs." >> I ended up going upstairs. Do you do this? Like, the fight's going on and you're building
your case in your head? You know what I mean? You're going through,
"This is what I'm saying. "This is why I'm so right." So, I come downstairs. I come down, it's like,
"All right, here it is. "Here's the truth. "I do everything around here. "I go to church by myself all the time. "You're here speaking,
you're here speaking, "and you're doing this. "I'm here at home mowing the grass "and I'm fixing the cars
and I'm changing the oil. "I snowboard and I wakeboard
just to be with the guys. "And I'm cleaning and
I'm doing your laundry. "And if one time, there's
a spot that Jesus gives me, "I should get to park there." Right? Yes, girls. [cheering and laughing] >> There's guys, actually clapping, too. Men, we're together here, men. They're like, "You're toast, dude." I mean, I'm sitting
there, I'm not kidding. She says this little
speech right by the door and Cody, again, looks at me, right at the end of this thing. He gave me the look just like you guys. He's like, "Dad, you lost this one." I mean, it was like,
"Look at what she said." Now, here's what happened. Here's the amazing thing
that I didn't tell you yet. When she went upstairs,
I was initially like, "Yes, we can't even talk right now." But, she was upstairs for like 15 minutes. Cody's eating and I'm sitting there. So, here's what I did. While she was gone, I
calmed down a little bit and I said this. I prayed, just a quiet prayer. And I said, "God, what am I missing? "What am I not seeing? "Help me to see what's really going on." So, when she comes down, right? I'm not even hot anymore. She comes down, she does
this whole little thing, Cody gives me the look, and I say this. I go, "Let me ask you a question." I said, "Do you feel like
Kensington," that's our church, "Do you feel like
Kensington is more important "to me than you are?" And that's all she did. She shook her head. I knew right then what the issue was. I finally listened. By the way, it's not even an s word, but one of the best things
you can do in a conflict is ask God, pray. Ask God for wisdom. Ask God to let you hear. I was not letting God in
this thing until that moment. I finally said, "Okay,
God, I need your help. "I need to see what's really going on." And right there it was. So, I realized in one
second, this whole thing was never about a parking spot. It was about her not feeling cherished and a priority in my life. Now, I said this yesterday
at the marriage class. Years ago, I would've argued with her that she shouldn't feel that way. That's an immature
person not understanding how to resolve conflict. "What do you mean you feel like Kensington's more important?" That's what I would've done. And I knew now, if she
feels like the church is more important than her, the church is more important than her, whether I agree or not, it doesn't matter. In my heart, I was like "There's no way, "not even close that Kensington's
more important than you." But she feels that way. So, I didn't even say, "There's no way." I just said, "Oh, my gosh, I'm wrong." Not you're wrong, I'm wrong. Finally, I shut up enough to hear and now we can go somewhere. But, by the way, she's never
parking there again, okay? That's just the way it is, right? Right, honey?
>> Maybe, he doesn't know. >> [laughs] I don't know. But, let me tell you something. We've got five s's to
go, we just covered one. But that first one is so key. We're not saying they're
in any certain order. But, if you never listen,
you'll never get to step two. And step two, we just illustrated
for you, is soft answer. If the first one is shut up and listen, the second one's soft answer. What happened when she came down and she did her little deal? Did I yell back? No. I tenderly and quietly asked a question. "Do you feel like," and that tone changed the whole conversation. >> Because Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath." So, if you're escalating, it
will continue to escalate. But if someone then goes
down, the whole situation-- >> Every time, somebody escalates,
the other one escalates. Somebody goes down, it is
hard to yell at somebody that's real gentle. You could do it, but you're an idiot. You really are and everybody knows it. They're like, "Dude, what is up?" There's a real problem there. But when somebody deescalates, it tends to deescalate the conflict. Not always, but usually it does. One time, I pulled out of our subdivision to go to work. There was a car coming sort of quick and I thought I had time and I pulled out and as I did it, I realized,
he was coming really fast and I cut him off. So, I did the, I don't know
if this happens in California, it happens in Detroit. I'm like, uh-oh, I could
be killed right now. I look in the mirror and he's like yelling and screaming and flipping the bird. I mean, he was really upset. It's a one lane road so
he's gonna be behind me for a couple miles
before there's a couple. So, I keep looking up there
and he's just going off. It's really cold so
all the windows are up, but I can read every word. So, finally about two miles later, we get up to a light
and I pull in this lane and I'm like, "Is he gonna pull up?" He pulls up right beside me. I'm like, you know, you do the
thing, "Should I even look?" I'm not gonna look. And I can see in my periphery. I can see it, you know? I'm like, "Okay, I gotta look." He may be wanting to jump out of his car. So, finally, I turn and he is like this. There's slobber on his, and
the windows are still up. I just go like this, I go,
"Sorry, my bad, sorry." You should've seen it. This guy's like, "Oh, hey, no problem." [audience laughs] That's exactly, "Oh, yeah,
we're cool," he drove off. I'm like, "Oh, my gosh, there it is," Soft answer, deescalate, right? I mean it was a perfect example
of what we're talking about. If you're in a conflict,
that's gonna help. Here's the thing, in a
conflict, when it's escalating, somebody has to deescalate. Here's the question for you,
who should make the first move? Somebody said the gentlemen. Here's a great answer. I think you've had the Eggerichs' speak out here, haven't you? Emerson and Leslie,
anyway, they wrote a book called Love and Respect. They said in this book, they said, here's the answer to that question, who should make the
first move in a conflict that needs to deescalate? How about this for an
answer, he who is most mature make the first move, boom. 'Cause you know what we're thinking, "They should, you know I'm right. "So, they should." No, he says whoever's most
mature make the first move. So, if you make the first move, that's because you are
actually being more mature than them and say, "I could
keep yelling, but I'm not gonna. "We gotta move this
thing toward resolution "and I will make the first
move," and it's hard. Sometimes, you don't want
to make the first move. But, that's really the second
s, is, uh, what was it? I gotta check you out. Okay, first one was shut up,
second one was soft answer, and third one is speak truth, speak truth. We talked about it a little bit already. But, speak the truth in love. Speak the truth. The truth needs to be
spoken, that's often hard. But, it needs to be packaged
in a context of love. >> I think that's what
happens, we don't package it. Because some of you are
great, you're totally good at speaking the truth. You're all about speaking the truth. This is me, like, I can speak the truth. I feel like it's my gift to
Dave when I speak the truth. Some of you, though, like when it says, "Speak the truth in love,"
some of you are so loving that you feel like you don't
want to hurt this person and so you won't speak the truth. But, sometimes, the most loving thing you could do is speak the truth. So, what I used to to do is I'd be like, "I'm gonna tell Dave
everything," so I'd just say it. Instead, what I realize now
is I have to ask God first, "Should I even say it? "God, will this help our relationship?" If I feel like I should,
I need to package it in a way that Dave will receive it. >> You know, it's
interesting, John Gottman, when he talks about speaking the truth, he uses a word that he
looks for when he analyzes couples that are arguing. He says, "I look for contempt." You know what contempt is? I'll read to you his quote. He says, "Contempt is
the single best predictor "or relationship breakdowns." He defines contempt as an
attitude of superiority speaking down to your friend through name-calling or direct insults. You know what contempt is? Arrogance, "I'm better than you." You may not say it, you can feel it. Gottman's saying you can just smell it. It's like, "Oh, my gosh,
there's contempt here." It isn't just an argument,
there's contempt. So, they're speaking the truth, but they're speaking it with
arrogance, with contempt. When you see that, it's big trouble. In fact, Ann has been the best
at speaking the truth to me. But there was a time in our marriage where I didn't feel like
when she was telling me the truth, it was helping. In fact, we were speaking at
a Mothers of Preschoolers. >> Yeah, MOPS, Mothers of Preschoolers. And they said, Ann, bring Dave along. We want to get a guy's perspective. So, Dave comes and he's
starts getting in to this. He's like, "Women, I'm telling you, "you don't even know what
it's like for us as men." He goes--
>> Is that how I do it? >> Yeah, you're like,
you're really into it. So, he goes, "As boys,
most of us, as little boys, "have somebody that's cheering for us. "Like, good job, good job. "And then we get older and there's a coach "or we get into something that we're into. "It could be a teacher,
a coach, or whatever, "but they're saying,
'Good job, way to go.'" Dave goes, "And I played college football. "So, every Saturday, people
were cheering for me. "They're saying, 'Yes,
Wilson, way to go.'" He said, "Then I meet Ann "and she's basically cheering for me. "We're dating and she's like,
'Of all the men in the world, "'I choose you.'" He goes, "She's the best
cheerleader, it's amazing." And these women are tracking with him. They're like, "Yeah,
that's good, that's good." He goes, "And then we get married "and I walk in the door and
all I hear is, 'Boo, boo.'" I'm sitting there like,
"What are you talking about?" >> It was bad. I didn't even know I was gonna say this. As I was starting to say this, it's like, "Oh, this is exactly how I feel." And I go, "Boo, boo." And I look over and she's like, "What?" I'm like, "Oh, we're in
trouble when I get in the car." >> So, I had never heard
him say that ever before. So, he gets in the car and
I'm like, "What was that?" He goes, "I don't know, it just came out. >> It was God speaking through me. >> So, I said, "You feel like I boo you?" You guys, this is what I
said, "I am helping you. "Honestly, these people don't know you. "Honey, I am helping you to be better." He's like, "Yeah, it doesn't
really feel like help." What I realized was I continually thought I was helping him by, "I'm
speaking the truth to you." But, all he heard was boo. So, even in your relationships, what are you doing in your relationships? Are you cheering each other on? Are you applauding them? Because you know who applauds you? God. He looks at you and is like,
"Look at my masterpiece." He's clapping for you, cheering for you. But, so often, we don't
even listen to God. We listen to the applause
of our peers or friends. And God is saying, "I
am cheering for you." So, for me, I didn't
realize that, for Dave, he walked in the house
and felt like a failure because I was continually critiquing him. >> I'll tell you what, we
don't have time to get into it. We talk about this a lot in marriage. The number one need of a man is respect and I felt disrespected. She changed, 15 years ago, maybe, and really started to be
my biggest cheerleader. Started to speak how great
I am, even when I'm not. She would say, "Man, you
are unbelievable this." And I'm thinking, "No, I wasn't. "I was actually pretty bad at it." But, she kept saying it and I'm like, "She's not just saying
that to try and impress me, "she actually sees something in me, "I don't even see in myself." I'll just tell you women something. When you praise a man,
every guy in this room, including me, are little boys
with longing to be praised. I don't care how old we are,
we are longing to be praised and when a woman praises us, we rise up to be the man she says we are. I don't know how to explain it, but that's how you change a man. You don't change a man
by control or contempt or telling him what he's bad at. You tell him what he's good
at and he becomes great. It's probably the same for women, isn't is?
>> It is. >> The praise of another person, it's truth spoken in love,
you know what I'm saying? It literally changed our marriage. >> I would even really encourage you, if you sit with God long enough
to hear Him applauding you. Because if you're hearing negative words, if you're hearing any booing from God, I'm gonna tell you, that is not God. Because He doesn't boo
you, He applauds you. >> I would only say this other
side of speaking the truth is, and it's real important but I don't have a lot of time to develop it. But, you also need to hear the truth. What that means is, most of the time, when somebody who loves
you tells you the truth that's hard truth, all of us,
I was gonna say some of us, all of us get defensive. "What are you telling me that for? "That's not even true." I mean, it could be three
or four people who love you. By the way, if two or three people say the same thing to
you, it's a hard truth, and they love you, guess what? It's true. If they don't know you and
they're just ripping on you, it's like, "Whatever." but, if they know you in
your relationship with them and they speak truth to you to help you to sharpen you, you've gotta
learn to receive that from God. I read the book on Pixar,
you guys know Pixar? Every movie they make has
been a number one blockbuster. I read this book that
said that when they bring the movie in and go through the script before they actually make the movie, John Lasseter said,
"Every movie absolutely," these are his words. He says, "They sucked, they were terrible. "So, what we did is we
critiqued it and said, "'This character doesn't
work 'cause of this, "'this doesn't work 'cause
of this, go rewrite it.'" And they did, and what happened? Everyone of them is a number one hit. He goes, "You know why? "'Cause somebody spoke
the truth, hard truth. "Nobody got defensive and said, "'No, this character does work.'" They said, "He doesn't work,
okay, we'll make him better." When I read that book, I thought, "I want to be a blockbuster movie. "I want to be great." If I'm not willing to hear what my wife or my best friends tell
me is missing in my life, I'm never gonna be the blockbuster movie that God has created me
to be, a masterpiece. So many of us get so defensive. We don't want to hear the truth. We never become great because
we're unwilling to hear it. So, there's both sides. You speak the truth in love but you also have to be willing to hear it. I would encourage you to do this 'cause we've done this and it's hard. I've said to my best friends, I have like seven or
eight guys I do life with, I said, "Dude, give me a gift." They're like, "What?" I said, we call it a
gift, 'Give me a gift. "Tell me something I
don't know about myself "that everybody knows." We call it a blind spot. >> I've done this with my
accountability group, too. >> Oh, it is so hard. You're just like, "No, don't tell me. "I really don't want to know." But, when they say it
and they mean it in love, if you're willing to receive it, it's like, "Okay, that was from God "and He's gonna use it to change me." Okay, we gotta keep flying. How many we got? First one is shut--
>> Up. >> Second one is soft--
>> Answer. >> Third one is speak--
>> Truth. >> Fourth one is, what is it? Solve or sleep. Here's what it is. Solve the conflict and
if you can't, go to sleep and solve it tomorrow. Some people will say, "No,
no, no, that's not biblical." The Bible says, "In
your anger, do not sin. "Do not let the sun go
down on your anger." Anybody know that one? Ephesians what? Ephesians 4:26. Write it down, go look it up. We were told when we got married
that was a literal verse. That it meant you can never go to sleep with a conflict in your marriage. You have to resolve it before. >> It would be three in the morning and Dave is like falling asleep. I go, "How can you fall asleep? "This is so important. "You don't even care
about our relationship." >> I'm like the sun went
down hours ago, you know? We really were mentored
and told it's literal. Can I just tell you, it's not literal. It's a principle. I mean, if you start
the conflict at 9 p.m. The sun's down, you got
'til tomorrow, okay? It's not literal. But it is a principle that
says solve it quickly. Don't wait a week, don't wait a month. Don't wait 'till-- >> Because some of you are avoiders. So you're like, "Oh, yeah,
we'll solve it in a week." and you hope it never comes up. So, we usually say 24 hours. If you have a friend or a teacher or a boyfriend, girl,
solve it within 24 hours. >> Yeah, if you're working on it, you can't get the resolution, sometimes you just need to say, "Okay, let's talk tomorrow morning. "Today, I'm doing whatever." And sometimes, especially for guys, we need more time to process. It's not always true for
men and women but I do. Sometimes, she's like,
"What are you thinking?" I'm like, "I don't know. "I really don't know." "How can you not know?" "I'm just stupid, I don't know. "Can we talk tomorrow?" By tomorrow, I'm like, "Oh, I do know." I really do know. This is what I was feeling
and we can get somewhere. Sometimes we can resolve
it before we go to bed, but many times, we schedule the next day and the best relationships
resolve it the next day. They don't wait a week, they
resolve it the next day. But, if you can solve it
right now, do it, go there. It may take a couple hours but do it. >> So, this is a passion for mine 'cause resolutions big
because I see relationships that are so messed up. So, our son, our oldest son, had turned 13 and we get in a fight before school. I blow up and I'm like, "Oh,
my gosh, you can do nothing "for the entire week." >> The entire year.
>> Yeah, probably. >> She gets pretty
excited when she gets hot. >> Excited, that's a good word. So, anyway, we get in the
car, I'm taking him to school. He's really mad, I'm mad. Then I calm down and I look at him. I go, "CJ, I'm sorry. "I totally blew up, that was wrong. "Will you forgive me?" And he just sits there like this. I said, "What are you feeling? "Are you mad at me?" He just sits there. So, we get to the school and I said, "Hey, don't get out of the car, "I want to talk to you. "Don't just shut down,
I want to talk to you." He looks at me, he opens the car door, and he just walks in. And now, I'm like, "Oh, my gosh!" You know, I'm the resolution person so I'm all worked up like,
"Should I go in and get him "and take him out to breakfast." I'm like, "No, he'd do
this every morning." You know, I'm in a line. So, they're all beeping. So, I'm going home. I'm like, "What am I gonna do? "This is terrible." Here's the thing I realized
that we do in anger. We try to solve it, or conflict, we try to solve it ourself. Why don't we go to God first? Because what does He say in James? "If any of you lacks wisdom, "let him ask it of God,
who gives generously." So, I have no where to go. I'm like, "Jesus, I don't know what to do. "I don't even know how to do this. "I know how to work this with Dave now. "But, how do I do it with my kids?" And He gives me this picture. Because God hears those
prayers and He wants to answer. So, I go home, I get a sheet of paper and I draw the picture God gave me. Gives me a stick figure of a girl and He gives me a stick figure of a guy. >> We didn't put it on Power Point, but there's this picture from God. She thinks this is from
God, but that's it. That's what she drew. >> And then there's just a box, right? >> Stick figure woman, stick
figure boy, brick in the middle. That's all it is. That's from God, all right? It actually was, can you see it? It doesn't matter, you get it. >> So, CJ comes homes, goes upstairs. I put it on his desk where he studies. He goes home, he comes
downstairs with this picture. He goes, "Mom what is this?" I said, "Oh, that's
what God gave me today." He's like, "Wow." Like, "You must be very
bad if this is how God "has to communicate to you." I go, "No, no, no." He goes, "So, what is it?" I said, "Well, the woman
is me and the guy is you "and that's a brick between us. He goes, "I don't even
get what you're saying." I said, "That brick is the
fight that we had today." He's like, "I'm not even mad
about that, that was dumb. "It's like, I'm over it." I said, "I'm over it, too. "I'm not mad but that
doesn't mean that brick "in the fight is resolved." "It means we're not mad
that it's there any longer." And I go, "Let me tell you, "Dad and I speak all over the country "to people that have been
married five months and 50 years, "and they have a fight
and they create a brick. "They don't resolve the brick. "And then they have another fight "and they create another brick "and they put it on top of that one." I said, "Pretty soon, they have brick "after brick after brick. "There are so many that
they can't even talk "to each other anymore
because there's this wall "of unresolved conflict." I said, "I see moms and
dads with their kids "that can't even talk anymore "because there's so much unresolved anger, "disappointment, issues,
that there's nothing. "There's no relationship." He goes, "So how do we
get rid of the brick?" [audience laughs] So, we went through a lot of this stuff. I told him what I was
feeling, I apologized. I said, "Are you mad? "Tell me what was going on?" We talked about that. We weren't angry, we talked about it, and I got out and then we prayed and I asked him to forgive
me, said I was sorry. He did the same. And I got out my eraser on my
pencil and I erased the brick. I said, "Let's promise that we never have "any bricks in our relationship." So, when I look at you guys, I wonder, like, "How are you?" Do you have bricks? Do you know how to get rid
of them, even with God. Sometimes we're so disappointed
and God's let us down. We haven't even talked to God about it. I feel like it's so important for us because when you have those bricks, Satan gets a foothold in there. And then he creates walls. And you look at the church today and how there's so much division. It's sad, isn't it? God wants to heal us and get rid of that. >> We've been pastoring 35 years. A lot of division in the church. It's so sad. They, you, we don't know how to do this. We can pray a big deal, we can pretend. But, to resolve conflict, to have unity, is God-ordained, inspired, power. You have to have the guts to go make the phone call, walk over. You may have somebody in this room and you're thinking,
they need to come to me. No, you who is most mature, initiate. They may not respond,
but you do everything in your power to resolve this thing and get to the next s. And we're out of time, so we'll do this real
quick, seek forgiveness. And it's really seek/grant forgiveness. If you're the one that has
offended a brother or a sister, you go and you apologize and you own up to your responsibility, what you did wrong, what
you gossiped about them to somebody wrong. You have to go to them and say, "I realize what I said hurt you. "What I said was wrong." They may not be able to
forgive you at that time. That is not up to you. You need to go seek and
ask, say, "I'm sorry." But, on the other side, if you're the one that's been offended. This sounds crazy, but,
Jesus said, Paul said, "As I've forgiven you, forgive others." And it's not easy. I'm not gonna stay up here and say, "Oh, just do it," snap
your fingers and it's done. No, it took me 32 years to forgive my dad who walked out on me at seven with his girlfriends, 32 years. I remember, when I realized
Ann actually spoke truth to me and said, "You need to forgive your dad," I was 28, I think, at the time. I got defensive and said,
"I'm cool with my dad. "It's no big deal." Long story short, she was right. I began the process. When she said that and
I realized I do need to forgive my dad, I literally thought, "Today's Sunday, "I'll do it by next weekend." That's what I thought. Four years later, God
took me through a process. I remember reading a
book about forgiveness and the author said this. He says, "When you forgive
someone, you set a prisoner free "only to discover you're the prisoner." I thought I'd locked my dad up. "You're not gonna have
a relationship with me "because of what you've done." I locked myself up. I was not able to become a man of God because I was locked up in
bitterness toward my dad. And when God, I didn't do this, when God gave me the
power to forgive my dad, I told the guys at my church, I became a man at age 32. 'Cause I was a boy until the day I was able to forgive my dad. Again, when I say, "I,"
I couldn't even do it, God's spirit through me did it. And that's the last s. I'm adding one more. There's shut up and listen. There's soft answer. There's speak truth. There's solve or sleep. There's seek and grant forgiveness. But, really, the biggest
one, and it's the only one. If we wanted to, I would've
talked for the whole time on the last s. The most important one
is surrender to Jesus. It is the only one that I can give you. If you walk out of here and say, "Okay, I'm gonna shut up
and I'm gonna soft answer "and I'm gonna speak truth," if you don't have the
Spirit of God empowering you to do any of those, guess what? It's not gonna work and
you're gonna get our email or go to our website,
"Dudes, it didn't work. "Do you have a DVD on
this, it didn't work?" And people come to us all the time. You can't do, we can't do any
of this apart from Christ. That's a full surrender to say, "Jesus, I need you." When you surrender fully,
not playing the game, not the Christian college game, not the seminary game, the real game of living in relationship with Jesus. We're gonna worship Him now in a minute. Come on up, band. We're gonna worship Him
and surrender to Him even through worship singing. But, when you live there,
totally surrendering to Him, what's He do? He gives you a power you
don't have to be a man or woman, you can't be to
live out this conflict stuff. >> I mean, honestly, for Dave and I, we've been walking with
Jesus for 35 years. You guys, it's better than it's ever been. And we feel like we don't
want you to miss it. When you're surrendered to Him and you have the power of God's Spirit, you have the King of the
universe living in you. Some of you need to forgive ourselves because we are locked
up because we failed God and we feel like we continually fail Him. He loves you. Don't believe the lies of the enemy who says, "You're
worthless, you're nothing." God says, "You're everything. "I have a plan for you." >> And we'll close this. We're gonna pray and we're gonna sing. What Ann just said,
just hit me as so true. We so often forget if
you're a follower of Christ, I'm guessing you are. Maybe you're not, tonight's your night. Seriously, tonight can be your night. You think you can do this? You have no chance without Jesus. But, I'm guessing many
of you are followers, if not all of you are followers of Christ. Do you realize what Ann just said is true? The living God of the universe lives here. The temple of the Holy Spirit is not a brick and mortar building. It's not the Holy of Holies
anymore, it's this body. I know you're looking at mine and saying, "Man, that's a body right there," right? I know you're not saying that. But, that's where He lives
and here's what we do. We walk around like not confident-- >> In fear. >> Yeah, just living in fear. It's like wait, wait wait. It's like you walk in a room like timid. It's like wait, wait, wait, the King of the kings lives here and I'm gonna walk in, like, afraid? That's why I love that
song and I quote it. ♪ I'm no longer ♪ It's like, that's who I am. I'm no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God. So, that means I can step
into this relationship. I used to be dead, now I'm alive. I used to have no hope, now I have hope. I used to have no joy, I have joy. I used to have no power, I have power. In me? No, the God of
the universe lives in me. That means I live confidently,
not arrogantly, confidently. The kingdom of God goes everywhere I go. So, I step in this relationship. It's like the kingdom of God is here. Can we not resolve this conflict? No, we can't but He can, so, let's go. That's why surrender is everything. I'm not talking about playing the game. I mean absolute, complete surrender. Say, "I am absolutely all yours and, God, "I can't forgive them
'cause they hurt me deeply." And God says, "I know. "And I was hurt more
deeply than you can imagine "and I forgave you and I
will give you the power, "if you trust me and surrender to me, "to let go of that thing." It may take days, months, years, but He will give you the power. Let me tell you, there's
nothing better than living free. I did my dad's funeral. My whole family's there,
two brothers, sister, my mom did not come. She hadn't forgiven, she's not there. There's like seven or eight
people at my dad's funeral. As I looked at their eyes, I realize I'm the only one in the room free. 'Cause they all still have issues with this guy in the casket and I'm free. I actually can look at
my dad's casket and say, "I love this man," 'cause God did that. How? Through surrender. [upbeat music] >> Narrator: Biola University
prepares Christians to think biblically about everything. From science to business
to education and the arts. Learn more at Biola.edu.
