Dark Floors Review by Decker Shado

ah happy halloween world wide web i'm dr shadow the internet personality with the best spells now one thing i absolutely love outside of mountains of candy overtones of death and women in ridiculously skimpy costumes is of course rocking out to heavy metal and yes this is relevant as one of my favorite bands happens to be the finnish heavy metal sensation morty who gained global recognition after winning eurovision in 2006 notable not only for being a heavy metal performance taking the crown but also for the fact that finland usually didn't even make it to the finals this sudden surge of popularity coupled with the endorsement of their countrymen led to the obvious merchandising this was actually how i first learned about lordy being an american i hadn't seen eurovision but i was in finland shortly after and you couldn't walk 10 feet in helsinki before running into something else with lordy blaster on it lordy banners lordy t-shirts lordy cola the pinnacle of this explosion of sailables came in 2008 with what i'm obviously going to be reviewing today dark floors the lordy motion picture though strangely enough not the first lordy movie that title goes to the kin a 24 minute short film from 2004 dark floors is still the first and two date only feature link film starring the monsters of metal which strangely enough doesn't so much follow them but rather a little girl in the random group of strangers she's with as they are picked off one by one by a group of musicians maybe i shouldn't have said they were in a heavy metal band before starting the movie oh well let's take a look at dark floors and see if it leaves us head banging or banging our heads as the film opens we see sarah played by skye bennett undergoing a cat scan while her father ben played by noah huntley reacts to her cries of protest apathetically after all what are the chances that everything will just [ __ ] up for no apparent reason [Music] all right for a scene in a movie after a struggle they remove her from the most expensive microwave i've seen and ben tries to pacify his daughter hey here it is this is magenta you uncultured [ __ ] we see her incredible artistic capabilities as she draws the flag of japan while ben argues with the doctors for their inability to narrow down exactly what his daughter is suffering from i just wanted to feel better i don't think there's anybody in the world could do more than we've done already we haven't listened to her but then again no one will calm down we'll put her back in the microwave tomorrow while they're arguing a very creepy guy you rang what the no i have how long have you been there since last night where did you get all those my little pony sheets uh you're breaking up right anyway an unsettling man gets up close and personal with sarah and nobody seems to notice until she drops her crayon i want the right crayon i want the red crayon i don't think we have it it's on the floor and if that's too obvious i'm pretty sure the hospital has an extra set of crayolas kicking around somewhere but no they somehow don't find the red crayon lost somewhere in the sterile white tile floor and then put sarah to bed are you sure the bed bugs don't bite this movie is the one with the heavy metal monster band right so in the middle of the night while his daughter is getting some needed rest and well after the panic of the earlier incident has died down now ben decides is the perfect time to take sarah out of the hospital unfortunately he didn't count on emily pulling an all-nighter and she doesn't quite agree with his plans you have to believe me if i knew a better place for her i'd take her there myself you know better than me because you have meters in your readings you don't really know what's going on yeah [ __ ] medical science these crayon drawings are far more reliable seriously as they all gather in the elevator we're introduced to three other characters tobias played by ronald pickup as well as william hope is john and leon herbert as rick you may remember william hope from aliens talk to me he didn't survive that you may also recognize leon herbert from alien 3. he was number four on the top ten xenomorph kills of course the elevator [ __ ] up so purgatory or well the stipulation is just not heaven or hell then it could be anywhere like a hospital when the doors open back up they find they've been transported to a hospital where is everyone oh and everyone has vanished without a trace well there's a slight hint of familiar plot pieces in the air as they can't find anyone and everything is eerily quiet they decide to take the stairs without bothering to try the elevator again but run to difficulty there too it's locked of course the security guard wouldn't have any other keys now who needs keys just use the right tools and how did you get back i have the right tools you're only delaying vietnam son of a [ __ ] they walked down toward the maintenance staircase and emily brings up something she forgot to tell ben earlier sarah should take her medicine soon i want medicine well i was trying to tell you before we're testing her on a new drug for epilepsy if we discontinue the use of this medication the effects could be fatal and of course she did not get her father's permission before hooking her on plot device bills for epilepsy yeah you know there are several reasons why i watch the cinemas knob but one of them is not so i can see brad jones staring blankly at the camera drooling a strange noise arrests their attention however and they find a woman ceaselessly running her wheelchair into the corner for some reason man [Music] oh that explains it she obviously couldn't see where she was going leaving that set behind decidingly unsettled they reached the maintenance stairwell where it appears somebody has attacked the stage with a spray can to try and make it appear rusty they don't make it far however before they encounter more strange noises oh my god so they do the first logical thing they can think of when they find dead people with their eyes clawed out hey who's there deciding it's best not to stay around those who would like to communicate with bullets they flee the stairwell into the fifth floor where emily patches up rick's bullet wound with a band-aid i'm not making that up and they decide their best bet is to head over to the info desk on one of the monitors they spot something [Music] at least we're not alone here see who gives a [ __ ] just get us out of here i'll give a [ __ ] yeah but that's your job you're a hired [ __ ] giver that's a mandatory [ __ ] we don't have to give a [ __ ] you don't give a [ __ ] and don't give me any [ __ ] about the [ __ ] that i don't give because i still won't give a [ __ ] let's take these we might need them you know how to use them they're walkie-talkies fisher-price makes them but while he was contemplating the complexities of push-to-talk his daughter rolled off somewhere but fortunately for him the grungy old man kept his eye on her and it looks like she just needed some me time [Music] [Applause] or she was just playing with the pianist wait a minute hey you said it not me awa was the keyboard player in the band at that point and looks in this movie exactly as she did on stage except transparent ben gets his daughter out of there but suddenly there's no time like the present there's no time like the present the clues about exactly what their situation is are becoming somewhat less subtle and sarah and tobias have the right ideas as the scene does get painfully loud coming to a head when awa reappears before everyone in some pretty decent special effects so tempting to make an ex-girlfriend joke they run in fear and what the hell right bullets of course do absolutely nothing to stop her but the introduction of radiation results in her immediate dissipation which means if you're the suspicious type don't worry chernobyl is the safest place on earth now that the excitement's over everyone wastes no time breaking into psychotic bickering it could be that i'm hallucinating all of this only you yeah and you're wearing a nightgown and we're all gonna wake up at any minute that's a bad mental image john decides that just because he was chased down by a spectre doesn't mean that there's any reason to be remotely concerned and goes to leave via the elevator [Music] [Music] oh don't worry it's all just your very vivid imagination remember ben and rick hear his cries and rush to help but in their horror they find that this series of percussive strikes was the work of kita the drummer they stopped to play whack-a-jackass before beating keto with a fire extinguisher how that holds him off i don't know but they pull jon out and kita gets in some last minute noms according to the band's lore kita is actually an alien creature but who would design an alien with such a ridiculous mouth [Music] uh you know what never mind they save his ass and he is greatly thankful for that friggin rent-a-cop and this sidekick hit me sorry this is one of those one-dimensional character things isn't it when he insults susan on top of it ben snaps but the group soon returns to order when more strange noises are heard leading to fun with the intercom hello hello what floor are you on i really don't think that asl is the most important message given your current situation continuing on they find their exit has been blocked and after banging enough conclude they won't be getting anywhere anytime soon so much for that well at least it's more secure than your connection decker will you stop that no now on floor 3 they finally find more people in the hospital but they all happen to be dead that's just what i want in a psychological horror flick clue's about as subtle as an 18-wheeler going 150. the next room has something much more powerful though oh boy that's the bass player ox they run for their lives spare tobias who seems pretty apathetic about the hulking monster right there and despite their best efforts a vending machine proves insufficient to halt the power of the baseman as does rick whom appears to have the physical resilience of a souffle so two characters are down in one scene and of course [ __ ] is still with us and [ __ ] is sure to remind us all he's still an [ __ ] telling ben that their best bet is to sacrifice his daughter their argument is cut short however by a revelation time has stopped it's not moving look why is it whenever time stops in a movie time always stops selectively your circulatory system for instance is very dependent on time to function not to mention how the hell is everything getting dirtier if it quite literally has had no time to do so hell even with no time they're somehow running out of time to get those plot device pills for sarah so they make the logical decision that ben and emily head out to get them while [ __ ] who thinks it's a good idea for her to die is left completely alone with her which logistically is the same thing as leaving me in a room full of cheese steaks and dr pepper but expecting me to survive on a lunchbox of hard tack for three days it doesn't take long for emily and ben to find even stranger things in this particular outing sand confirming that the guitarist amin ra is certainly going to be the next monster they encounter and probably without his guitar you know for a movie about a heavy metal band there certainly is a lack of heavy metal music in it no music that's unacceptable for once i agree with you well don't worry i've got previous lordy film the kin actually didn't have any of the band's music in that either so it shouldn't be too surprising that dark floors wasn't just a glorified music video ben takes the gun for good measure and they work on bashing down the brick wall from earlier but they are interrupted by a strange noise oh no no you're supposed to shoot them before they hit the ground have you ever played point blank before they quickly realized that they were hearing themselves upstairs stop i need to tell them it was me i just shot rick in the head you think they'd say if they saw you and besides you have any idea what that would do to the continuity of this movie we [ __ ] up frozen time as it is just leave it be but while they're slowly moving on and examining a couple bodies that look somewhere between a loving embrace and a shish kebab guess what [ __ ] happens to be an [ __ ] and is sacrificing ben's daughter in an attempt to save himself you can have her she's not purest giveaway oh and tobias is still alive in a manner of speaking john beats him down but tobias doesn't seem to care even when large chunks of his face start coming off has he ever been cold i mean really really cool so he's either already dead or this is the most macabre beer commercial i've ever seen either way jon kicks the crap out of him despite still having a well injured leg and presents sarah as an offering to a random hallway just like any other in the hospital here she is okay now that's creepy at least she is respectful enough to not keep interrupting my video anyway a sandstorm erupts out of nowhere and amen grabs jon in short order proving to the audience that yes the man actually did have a heart however ben takes out the monster rocker with the power of a gurney he heard the scuffle on the walkie talkie and came running however i'm more concerned with how a bed with wheels can defeat anything now they do the smart thing of actually taking sarah along to locate her medicine which they still can't find and in the confusion they somehow managed to lose track of her yet again after a very strange segway where ben ends up running into another dimensional state while searching he finds sarah again before being randomly attacked by amen but even more randomly saved by the dead dead man tobias as he shish kebabs ammon and himself which considering he's already dead and hamen's a mummy and therefore has no internal organs i don't know how this kills either of them and to top things off awa comes back for some last swings at emily changing her role from fifth wheel to liability but never mind that they have the genius idea to get out of the hospital through the morgue because nothing can try to kill you if it's already dead right [Music] you wouldn't think someone who spent all this time reviewing horror films would be such a coward obviously all the bodies in the morgue are getting a little fresh air but as they flee to escape the wheelchair locks up and the doors slam shut as a zombie themed [ __ ] you to emily leaving ben and sarah as the only ones left of course we've only covered four members of the band so far so we still have one left to introduce why he's somehow related to black goo i have no idea they jump in an ambulance which of course has trouble starting but they get moving just in time to avoid the creeping crud what did he decide to turn off the engine for some reason the car was already running they get moving again but they quickly run into the source of the mess [Applause] mr lordy vocalist and lyricist for the band though he's usually depicted with a battle axe not an infinite fountain of tar ben quickly escapes but can't seem to figure out how to get out of the parking lot so he does the only thing he can think of you stay here okay someone will come and get you yeah they might be an eight foot tall demon that'll crush you up and chew on your bones but they'll come for you with that he decides that if a gurney can defeat amen then an ambulance should work fine against mr lordy himself but something happens sarah what are you doing [Music] ah so his daughter is an angel and a [ __ ] mr lordy seems rather pleased with himself at this point but sarah protests his wish to continue you don't understand light can't limit darkness [Music] well that's sort of a basic feature of physics darkness is the absence of light that's like saying water cannot exist in dryness she stares down the beast and shows that you can rewind an entire movie without having to resort to dick magic like zombie dearest did except this time her desired crayon is blue and we get to hear what tobias has to say to her sarah i don't feel cold anymore which makes me think that this was an awful lot of [ __ ] to go through instead of just getting the man a cup of cocoa and some soup nevertheless that was dark floors and it fooled me that it had anything to do with a heavy metal ban anyway it's not a bad film by any means the acting and effects all stand up which is good considering this was the most expensive movie ever produced in finland however there are several areas that feel lacking so far as the plot goes it is an interesting take in psychological horror where the idea is that you honestly don't understand all of what's going on and it leaves some room for discussion about what it all meant after the movie is over however that being said i really can't say that lordy had much to do with the story at all yes the plot was an idea for mr lordy himself but still the monsters could be replaced by practically anything and the movie would flow just the same not to mention that a lot of aspects of this film feel highly reminiscent of other horror movies such as the ring or silent hill the black goo reminds me of prometheus but that came out well after this film did in any case there's not much in this movie that really stands out for being different aside from the fact that the monsters happen to be members of a heavy metal band when it's all said and done dark floors is an entertaining movie in its own right but as it both lacks a truly unique aspect to its plot and severely underutilizes the one unique trait to this film that most people went to see it for it's merely a solid effort taking the stage with three band members out of five in fact it might be telling that one of my favorite parts of the movie is the credits where it actually does play a song from the band beast loose in paradise thank you all for watching i've been deca shadow and remember [Music] let's take these we might need them you know how to use them i'm dr shadow the internet personality with the best spells now that was a nice close-up let's try that again

Channel: Decker Shado

Views: 110,301

Keywords: decker, shado, reviews, dark, floors, lordi, motion, picture, beast, loose, in, paradise, psychological, horror, movie, review, heavy, metal, monster, hard rock, awa, amen, ra, ox, kita, eurovision, 2006, winners, Dark Floors (Film)

Id: yKO-h-UNg8Y

Length: 25min 35sec (1535 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 28 2013