Alien Origin Review by Decker Shado

i'm sorry i just want to get this out of the way i'm truly very sorry for the movie i'm about to show you but if it makes you feel any better i had to watch the whole thing multiple times to make this a review hello world wide web i'm dr shadow the internet personality with the best hair [ __ ] asylum what do you think i'm overreacting we all know the drill by now the asylum watches the buzz for upcoming movies and throws together some straight to dvd no budget trash with a similar name to con people into buying their crap instead of the popular movie they actually wanted now storytelling skills are certainly nothing to write home about and their productions tend to range from bad to worse but sometimes they are at least a little entertaining this time however they decided to rip off prometheus did you say prometheus tim diana yeah it's me how did you creepy yeah anyways you remember how i watched prometheus 2 sure and how you didn't ask me if i wanted to do a crossover review with you but i tim i was kind of strapped for time and usually when people want to do crossovers with me they have to hack into my signal or kidnap me well maybe it's time for a change of pace okay how about you review alien origin with me read my mind what's it about released in 2012 alien origin was the asylum's best attempt to rip off prometheus and of course because the budget is non-existent at the asylum they didn't make a film about space travel or with loads of eye candy no instead what we get is a found footage film a found footage film yeah king of the no budget genre oh okay i guess i'm reviewing this one on my own then anyway i guess i can't delay this any further let's take a look at alien origin and try not to throw up as the film starts we're given a brief rundown on how found footage movies supposedly work along with several shots from the movie itself in fact did they just open this movie with its own trailer i don't know if assembled is really the right word that kind of implies some form of skill congealed is more like it once the film finally starts we're introduced to chelsea vincent playing the role of julia evans a reporter or journalist or something whatever she is she has a camera crew that never speaks and follows her direction without question she is here because the belize special forces have greenlit a secret mission to track criminals in the jungle and such an important and potentially dangerous mission has to have civilians tagging along we've you by truck from here through the caracal archaeology reserve and drop off by putri took camp from there you'll proceed on foot at your discretion you lay the six remote cameras in a north south lane three kilometers either side of the chickenpool river i'm already familiar with low quality asylum standards but even i'm surprised at how emotionless these guys force their lines out as they try desperately to remember them sergeant broken fishing rod painfully explains that their mission will take several days and that they will have no backup whatsoever after this there's a short discourse between julia and a soldier about which truck she'll be in as she somehow films things with her phone that's obviously off what do you guys like to do for fun when you're not on missions drinking is it really that surprising that this truckload of men might happen to drink imagine how shocked she'll be when she learns at night they like to sleep they head out and we get the first of a great many travel scenes showing us the amazingly interesting manner in which a fairy carries a truck over a river and some of the strangest hand signals i've ever seen i'll admit i really don't know military hand signals outside of what i learned in tom clancy games but still but look out the tension is high as they determine if it's safe to cross this two inch deep perfectly clear river you might have noticed something by now i'm the only one talking during this movie i know i said previously that dialogue was not asylum strong suit but this is not how to fix the problem the soldiers seem ready to rate this movie right now but first we get a break from a monotonous walking for an actual scene he said that the ocean's 100 miles away no clue how the bog got here it's not exactly a cruise ship you could easily fit one of those on the back of your truck or sedan they carefully sneak up on it just in case it opens fire or something then switch to castro cam for investigation which turns up a digital camera encased in mud how far are we from the ocean it's about approximately 150 miles really really 150 how did this get here oh for [ __ ] sake that thing is so dinky i'd venture to say that i could have dragged it there by hand the fruit of their investigation comes in the form of a generic sd card you sure it still works well it looks completely undamaged we don't have a reader for this size card it's a standard sd card this movie was made in 2012. thank you random text narrator after some public domain shots of generic oceanic attractions a very low quality cgi abduction plays along with some ear splittingly painful audio here i'll turn it down and give you the less painful version [Applause] well of course they wouldn't alien origin isn't exactly the kind of movie you want other people to know you've seen they finally make it to the first objective set up the cameras to track illegal activity as instructed and set up camp because obviously there's no safer place to park yourself but smack dab in the middle of a suspected crime trail especially when you have civilians in tow though they don't seem to run into any criminals that night as the cameras instead film all the wildlife asylum rented for this film the alien they got it on camera okay let's go back and freeze frame it all right it's the [ __ ] is that supposed to be come morning and the soldiers have found the marks on the trees which were obviously made by a machete and of course can't figure out anything about them after enough time spent saying absolutely nothing they get a call from headquarters mission change um i have just get a radio message from high command they have two archaeological people went missing presently we are at um presently right now we are at new maria area we have approximately 12 clicks to go and there was no one else available to perform this search instead it's not like these guys were just on patrol they already had a rather important and somewhat dangerous mission with civilians tagging along but it's one of the few times anyone has said anything in this movie so [ __ ] it let's just accept it before long they run into a random men to question about the archaeologists americana so they leave him behind and this never comes up again yeah i could have easily emitted that entire scene but it will be a little important later for me and everything went quiet just over that ridge over there guys guys uh you remember you're supposed to be ripping off prometheus right not predator they reached the archaeological site which you probably recognize as chichanitza from 2012 doomsday of course in this movie they call it chinatonic they find dr holden's delivery boy who must have incredible skills at tracking people down going by the sparse delivery address on that package nevertheless the doctor's laptop was left on battery somehow not dead and sd to usb adapter attached guys come have a look a poorly formed hunk of clay oh great found footage within a found footage film that's just [ __ ] brilliant here we get a long series of clips of a couple of asylum actors spelunking one of which well the millions they used to invade the caves destroy the artifacts they used to think it was a way to the underworld let's just say it's obvious why random man didn't see two americans after enough footage of this cave that is impressive enough to make me wish i were watching a documentary on geology instead they discover the cheap prop they stuck in there ahead of time [Applause] oh my god susan the look on his face tells me he just realized how bad it is to be in an asylum film they carefully pry the cheap piece of [ __ ] free shoving it into their backpack unprotected just like a real scientist shortly before the mysterious alien shows up which begs the question how the [ __ ] did the footage get back to their computer yet not one of them did so it's on the road again with the boring brothers as a little bird told one of them that one of the archaeologists has been found and is recovering in a mennonite village which roughly translates to more slow travel with no dialogue the mennonites treat her as they would any woman allowing her to rest in the chicken coop [Laughter] ah this is [ __ ] killing me it's bad enough that almost this entire movie is on handheld shaky cameras but it looks like they were actively trying to find out which of their crew members was the worst cameraman of all anyway julia washes off some of the woman's makeup before long she comes too and seems incapable of acting even remotely groggy get a headache extraction from here and how long is that going to take six hours i'll take you to hold on no no no no no no no you need to sit down and then you can go thank you very much i'm on my own did the editors take some lines out there and try and just make it look like it was corrupted he's out there now outside okay you're in no condition i'll take that as a yes as night falls julia wants to get whatever scoop her randomly recorded occupation could out of the archaeologists and instructs her cameraman to secretly record her which he does by walking in front and sticking the camera in her face hey man can you just piss off he said back off wanker oh but she was about to start talking about the other part that she has no [ __ ] idea what it is suddenly the night vision filter is put on in the middle of the scene and after a very disorienting transition they're inside the alien spaceship didn't even know the aliens had a spaceship but there it is it's hard to tell from the complete lack of light but let's just say i would not be shocked at all if this really is the same ship using alien vs hunter slightly redressed after five years inside the ship the movie is the same as outside they walk around and say next to nothing with camera work that looks like it's actively trying to make the audience vomit [Applause] why the [ __ ] would you do that so now we get more nausea inducing camera work you know what [ __ ] it [Music] their escape is celebrated by a fireworks display or that's supposed to be the aliens attacking and they call in an emergency extraction yeah thanks for that of course inexplicably the truck is empty and won't start okay is this trying to be a monster movie science fiction or supernatural thriller i mean it fails as all three but i'd like some specifics here something weird happened here something that's right we need to move on this loop is up we're going to a next extraction point let's move out now same error of mulch move oh [ __ ] more walking i guess the good news is we can hardly see this part of the movie trust me that's good will you [ __ ] off please know what's funny that's actually an important scene god damn it if you're gonna slip in a black screen with text to cover the important events at least have a musical cue to go with it [Music] so we move on to exploring the cave again more walking cameramen trying to get us to regurgitate our popcorn and thankfully the alien shows up [Applause] wait a minute the [ __ ] is that supposed to be some kind of digimon of course everyone starts running again but they happen to run into the archaeologists they were looking for what luck what was he doing out there never explained [Applause] hold on that's it oku woman's the one who's been going around killing everybody they finish fleeing but can't get through to base so you know what that means more [ __ ] walking [Music] [Applause] ah the random firefight sort of there's a few fireworks here and there but the vast majority of the combat is only sound effects asylum do you realize that there are people on youtube who put together better gun fights than you do after this they run some [ __ ] more and then it switches to night vision or day for night vision anyway the roman candle sparks another firefight this time with muzzle flash and later with tracer fire but no muzzle flash jesus christ it hasn't even been five minutes and the editing quality on the action sequences has been nothing but fluctuating levels of ass right i'll be in charge now everybody whoa let's move emote you don't have to cry but at least pretend like someone actually died after more [ __ ] shooting versus cgi rockets and the death of one archaeologist they decide it's time to rip off predators some more we're gonna use the jungle we're gonna make some bubba traps are you guys gonna help me well the movie's only got 10 minutes left so you better pull out some pretty [ __ ] impressive traps it's just the trigger mechanism oh that's just perfect as long as the healing walks over picks up a stick and stabs himself with it it'll work great okay someone better die soon are you [ __ ] kidding me ah i meant from combat not sheer stupidity after this okuwaman picks off the rest of them in whatever the [ __ ] order as the editing doesn't help make sense of it and the story ends god damn it will you [ __ ] off please well that was really important but she goes on in a badly studio dub recording to explain how this movie really is a more direct rip-off of prometheus than you think it's it's a 17 match for modern human this thing is our ancestors it's everyone's ancestor what the [ __ ] did you have the time to get his dna analyzed i thought you went straight from grab the skull to running for your life oh and you know what else shares 70 of the human genome slugs good that was alien origin don't say i didn't warn you holy [ __ ] i'm having a hard time coming to terms with just how god-awful this movie is i know it's asylum and i was prepared for that but i wasn't prepared for this i'm not a fan of found footage movies to begin with as you could tell from my reaction to paranormal activity 4 but you know what alien origin makes that film look like citizen kane the characters are so shallow i feel bad even referring to them as characters there isn't much story to begin with and when you actually try to follow it surprise surprise it doesn't make sense what's really baffling to me is that as i found footage film the normal asylum budget is actually more than enough to pull off something worthwhile instead of taking the normal actors and saving money on cinematography it looks like they got four actors and a bunch of people who have never been in front of a camera in their life on top of this the cgi was somehow even shittier than normal asylum standards i can't say enough about how shockingly bad this film is even just trying to watch it to write this review i had to turn it off and walk away several times because the camera work was making me sick this movie is worse than bad it's like a malevolent force orchestrated terrible writers to put non-actors on set with cameramen who were having a contest to see who could shoot the scenes the worst i don't recommend it i recommend anything but this a root canal is better than this movie at least that's productive you want my rating big surprise alien origin gets one brain dead cameraman out of five i still feel bad about giving it one whole star it's just i really am adamant about not losing my one to five star rating system and i'm not going to let that movie take that away from me even if it is one of the worst films i have ever seen thank you all for watching i've been decker shadow and remember photograph document and bubble wrap your alien artifacts i gotta get out of here i'm not gonna let this movie get to me okay look it should be over by now oh here we go [Music] [Music] so [Music] so [Music] susan

Channel: Decker Shado

Views: 182,482

Keywords: decker, shado, reviews, alien, origin, horror, movie, review, found, footage, film, prometheus, rip, off, the, asylum, crap, horrible, trash, Alien Origin (Film), Prometheus (Film), the asylum

Id: LO7YoBFwgaM

Length: 23min 47sec (1427 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 18 2013