Dangers Of Being A Mama's Boy (And How It Affects Relationships & Masculinity)

[Music] I'm Brian yang this is my good friend Ali and today we're gonna talk about the dangers of being a mama's boy how that affects masculinity and relationships and later on in life so let's take a look at the mom you know the mothers of Mama's boys what are their behaviors and typically what you'll see in these mothers they'll be very distrusting they will be a masculine towards her son and/or very emasculating towards their husbands or lovers and then the Sun will witness that and observed that we'll talk more about emasculation later the mother has law distrust as I mentioned what's the biggest thing is that they really just distrust men in general which comes down to like a fear of abandonment you know because of trauma and whatnot there's a reason why that they are the way they are and this trust also bleeds into the to their relationship with their son the son can feel this this this distrust and doesn't always look like this trust it's more like the mom just doesn't give the son a chance to kind of make decisions for themselves and mistakes for themselves which is how they learn and they basically think that mom always our mama always knows best is that kind of thing you know the mom is always kind of pushing on to the son that she always knows best in the sunnies that can find it confide in her in order to make his decisions for himself in life even in adulthood yeah especially and it continues through adulthood and then the mom also doesn't respect boundaries as well so you know because their needs come from such a deep wound abandonment and fear they push through people's boundaries on especially the son and because of that son also talked about we'll talk more about the sons behaviors later but the son doesn't have any boundaries you know kids don't know better at that answer so the moms can plows through any kind of boundaries that there isn't he those are big symptoms of you know these moms what you want to add to that Holly and so so talking about what you just said about why the mom wants to control this is the mother emotionally exposes everything on the Sun so the Sun is everything to the mother and this comes with the mother not having healthy romantic relationships in life or even a good relationship with her father figure that's it maybe so the payoffs ends up being that the mother gets a therapist as it maybe mother get somebody who she could emotionally depend on who's gonna put their needs in front of hers all well her needs in front of theirs and what so the mother lizard a lot of shadow she has a lot of trauma she has a lot of unresolved issues that she doesn't get to address because the son always becomes a yes-man and whatever the views that the mother has toward his masculinity towards the world and so forth the son kind of ends up being a sounding board so this keeps the mother from doing the internal work that she needs to do to actually build healthy relationships outside of this invest relationship which we'll get into so it's a very it's a place of extreme comfort for the mother because she thinks that this is awesome that I don't need to actually address any thorns in my side for the time being and and whatnot so that actually requires the son to behave in a very specific manner which you know Brian you should talk about yeah so you know dig it into this further is so the son's behavior which is you know I'm I would be an example of that and maybe you if you're watching this you know you essentially feel so responsible for your mom's feelings and this can kind of bleed into other relationships in your life where you just feel responsible for a lot of people's feelings and you you're so used to other people's feelings first that your own needs and emotional feelings kind of get requests and then it creates a lot of internal resentment and yourself and you don't really understand why this psycho continues so that's a big one you're always kind of there to validate your mom's feelings you you as to all these that you're just that sounding board and you've been conditioned be that your entire life and you know you don't learn to like harness your own to to validate your own feelings and to give respect and power to your own feelings and needs and whatnot then you also lack boundaries as we mentioned earlier you know just your lack boundaries because you're so used to keeping yourself so open to someone else's needs that again you don't necessarily need so you don't set boundaries of what you like or don't like and maybe and get so bad to the point where you don't even know what you want don't want had a life or in relationships or you know what actually bothers you doesn't bother you cuz you spend so much time catering to someone else is needed most busy trying to live the life that she wants you to live exactly and then you also don't go through a rebellious sort of identity building face I think a lot to add to that yeah so the thing with the son is that you know talk about myself it is coming from a place of having this identity that you're supposed to be there for your mother no matter what so what does that look like that would basically mean that I would behave in a way to uphold my golden child image right so there comes a time when a child rebelled normally that happened at 16 or 17 where you say okay I know better I know what my needs are and so forth and what have you there's this schism between parent and child and they become separate individuals so with with the sons behavior that never gets there right so you don't feel what it means to be a separate entity from your mother your goal ends up being to save her to pacify her so this way because you're concerned that she's gonna break down any second a few leaves that's what you really think that's what I used to think so if I leave my mom is gonna be you know just a rotting flower that maybe absolutely and and then but at the same time I get some payoff out of that saying that oh I am the chosen one I am the savior I'm here to save my mother and I am special now there is something about me and trying to keep that up you know comes from a lot of you know you feel one feels really suppressed and you're always coming from you're always operating from the fear of engulfment so being around your mother too long could feel draining as well too so they are payoffs at the same time you know there are these negatives as well too and that comes to you know that brings us to our next point like what does this relationship look like this relationship of codependency where two people are enmeshed in a way and how does this keep on going on right yeah so this kind of this kind of creates what we call attachment styles so like there's multiple attachment styles and everyone gets their attachment size if their attachment style developed from a baby and it keeps developing and reinforcing over the years and so what as far as what a mother and son relationship looked like when they were in meshed and it's kind of like you got the mama's boy and the overbearing mom that's you have abandonment issues it's typically an avoidant son who because he's kind of carried on his burden his whole life he sees relationships as draining as always said right as a drain it's like ooh I don't want to jump into that so where does that look like like one-night stands or dissipated relationship absolutely not a fully committed yeah so like later on in life you know the son has a really hard time committing to long-term relationships and you know it's a lot easier to maintain casual hookups and things like that or if he does finds out in a relationship is very quick to try to exit once it gets too close or it gets too tough or to it reminds him too much of his his relationship with his mom right which is that that level of intimacy because sorts of cultures of that I don't [ __ ] that I'm out or he could recreate the same relationship with his mother yeah yeah I mean if the person is that if he falls in love with the harder he falls in love with that person sticky or it gets then it's just gonna be a recreation of of that again the attachment style for her mother is aborted yeah and the anxious avoid around anxious that the mother's attachment style ends up being anxious right so that so the mother here is like don't leave me and she always thinks that whatever at any given point the son is going to whatever the son does that's not in in sync with what she believes the son should do she starts thinking that well this is a sign that the son doesn't love me what he's gonna abandon me and so for Denese it's not abandoned as the mother her life is destroyed so this codependency happens where the son is trying to fix his mother so this way he could actually make a break and the mother is basically exposing all this emotional baggage on the son because that's the only way that she knows that he will stay connected so the moment so so if that ends up so if the mother becomes non-toxic and says oh all my problems are solved I don't need I don't need to be counseled or I don't need to be saved well that codependent dependent relationship can't can't exist but this is really what what basically keeps both people in this vortex as it may be and the and and the interesting thing to note about this is that both sometimes both son and mom may think of one another as very very good human beings in their relationship should to be a very close and very good relationship yeah so if you tell a son and a mother that your relationship is one of codependency no they'll basically call blasphemy almost absolutely yeah I mean I've seen that myself where you know there's just kind of illusion that a lot of society is kind of blind to this you know see like a mother-son relationship as like a sacred beautiful thing when they see them too closely event and they don't even know if it's too close she's always thought that's a really good son and part of its cultural - yeah there's some cultural pressure especially you know outside the Western world where it's like you know something to be respected and like that's how it should be and the meshed mom some relationship where the Sun is a good Sun an obedient son doing the right thing whatever but just because it's cultural doesn't mean it's healthy and so which is you can see that it's just so much especially like in you know Eastern cultures there's so many repressed men that are being raised and he's you know having mesh relationships and the thing the the point I make here is not to say that not care about parents yeah it's about not to be in a codependent relationship like you could either care about a partner and be two separate individuals or actually like just be clinging on to one another to heal one another's emotional traumas and that is very unhealthy and that's the delineation that we need to make about it's like what are two healthy individuals look like in a relationship and but before we get into that being in this way of in this kind of agency as it may be have some very negative effects to a man's life and Brian Wood is going to expand on what that looks like so if you're in an MS relationship with your mother it has some kind of side effects which are playing out and you may not be able to make those connections but that is you know that's paramount it's there is no way that you you have a mesh relationship with your mother's not showing up in your life so what does that look like what does an adult life look like for a son and what kind of world are they create outside his his relationship with his mother if that relationships audio yeah so I mean this typically will lead into adult life and what it does look like is that and we should have mentioned some of these things before is like you know the things that are I've been building as you're growing up through childhood adolescent and whatnot and you say well you spoke about relationships in general what what does it mean for a man's purpose I'm a man's purpose Walden you know the man's purpose then becomes to put people's needs before them and when they fall in love in the relationship that becomes the purpose the purpose becomes his mother yeah and then purpose becomes the mother right and then it's also been in conflict when you have competing yeah love interests where it becomes your girlfriend or potential future wife or wife and then your mother and I mean you hear so many jokes about mom there's so many mother-in-law jokes out there that it's like it's you know it's literally part of the culture which but it means it's funny but you know it's very unhealthy and very unfulfilling and unsatisfying to everybody involved so you know all those jokes do you literally really you'll you will literally relive that in your own life if you don't heal this and you'll become part of that joke fascinating you bring this up because of the time that I could I couldn't envision my wife and my mom at the same room right yeah it was just like like how would this this would be awkward yeah absolutely right cuz like the mom will literally get jealous of your lover and then like Chris I find everything that's wrong with you're sure whoever that you're choosing to you know to love and and then ultimately where that comes from is obviously abandonment like she's feeling threatened you know like her one source of unconverted know is the illusion of unconditional love is being threatened as she might lose that and she might be all alone forever this was - went through her head cuz she can't trust men right yes no you know but at the same time it's a place of compassion I get it yeah there's a place where it comes from but at the same time as like that's not your responsibility like she some feel that and feeling that gives her a chance to eventually heal potentially so so what do we do about this right how do we get how do you break the mold so we've talked about you know what the sun's behavior is what the malls behavior is what the relationship looks like yeah and what negative effects that have one of those people right so if I'm in a mess child or momma's boys' it may be like how do I like reclaim my life right what what do I need to do in order to step out of the mold and be initiated as a man and break that cycle that I'm in well I think it I mean I think is getting to know yourself first you know I think you're like things like meditation I can really pay attention to your emotions because it's probably a little bit challenging honestly like understanding your emotions and your needs like you have to get in touch with that first before you can even practice saying boundaries and being like hey mom I need this or I don't like that right so that really be honest with yourself through meditation meditation generally and just pay more attention to like how do you feel about certain things not about how your mom feels or about whoever else feels about something what do you feel about it and then the more you practice it the louder your emotions and your voice in your head heads your head gets about what you really want out of this life and then once you have a clear idea then you can tell people and your mom whoever and start saying those boundaries like you know I don't like it when you do this you know or I don't prefer to do it that way I don't want to do it that way and set that boundary you know and if and if your mom or anybody crosses that boundary then there's the consequences which is either you you know you stopped communication or you distance yourself from that person or you just you know you physically walk out that's the situation like there's many ways to like take care of yourself in a situation where your boundaries are being crossed and what you're talking about is letting debt letting your mother down and it's okay yeah you know when you have to actually fend for yourself yeah and not being scared of disappointing your mother and having those hard conversations real quick you know it's somewhat one thing we kind of forgot to mention is is the the emotion of guilt very wrong for mom worries oh yeah huge income from besides everything yeah talk about that like what it what is how does one overcome to deal of like saying that you know for me it was you know the guilt part was like I told my mom mom I need I need space to just work on myself it was so difficult like I felt like I'm betraying my mother yeah so like how does one yeah I mean it's a hard it's a hard illusion to break right you know watching content like this or articles or whatnot helps kind of spelled the illusion but if you don't get to this part it's very challenging because you believe your guilt thoughts like oh I am being a bad seller or I feel bad so I shouldn't do this you're right you believe the guilt loop inside your head so you gotta kind of like at least give yourself a chance which is obviously for watching this video then you're giving yourself a chance to kind of stop that guilt loop of like oh I'm you know being the bad son at all worried about her feelings worried about her feelings okay take some separation there and like stop that pattern dispel a delusion right right now we're dispelling that illusion for you is that you do not need to feed in to feeling guilty when you're trying to take care of yourself but know of that when you're trying to take care yourself you're naturally gonna feel guilty because you're so used to them right and it's okay to do something and feel guilty but don't feed into the guilt impulse is it I think is it really important you're gonna have to be fighting against that over and over until that you know that neural pathway of guilt or whatever it starts to get broken and then the question also is that you know you bought it you bought up addressing the shame right that comes with this and and I think when you push up against that one thing that comes up is that the image of the golden child you have to let go of yeah you have to come down here and be like yo I'm just a regular guy yeah with flaws I am not perfect I'm not the golden child and I'm not the perfect son I will never be the son that I've been trying to be yeah yeah I agree I'll you let go of that image that you have to be a certain way for somebody else you know you gotta be the way that feels right to you I didn't they all of us right yeah you gotta love yourself and you're loving yourself is just accepting yourself for how you are not trying to push yourself to be something for somebody else right that's never gonna make yourself happy regardless of dynamic right but this is very relevant to that so so Brian what's the first step coming back like somebody is just seeing this video and really connects with this so I can you know somebody's like where do I start what's the first step that they needed to take right now like what it would be you know the most minor thing that they could do without making a huge change because this is obviously for some people it may be a little too much did right so where do we start well I think you know start by really you know whether you have to stay consciously in your head or not by just asking yourself how do I really feel about this and don't don't skip that and go like how does she feel or how does he feel out of that other person feel none this right how do I feel about this and not feel guilty about feeling that yeah I don't feel guilty about feeling that don't go into the guilt lure I feel guilty so then I do this thing that no just ignore that for now look so that's I know it's gonna be there but sometimes I like beyond the guilt loop how do I feel about this do you actually want to do this thing you want to spend time of your mom in this way do you want to do this activity with whichever person like how do you really feel about that and if the first instinct Angela I don't really like it but I I really care about them or but I I don't want them to feel hurt don't listen to that but part that first impulse is like that you have to build that stronger and strong it's kind of like you know gut instincts and whatnot you know I think that's the key is what's that what's that very first impulse right don't listen to like the the cluster madness of thoughts that come flooding after that impulse right because typically what happens like you'll feel something of anybody I don't know but you know ah this is gonna make that person feel as they are this is gonna cause this sort of conflict and then you know then you can go into a whole spiral which doesn't mmm screws it all screws it all up for you absolutely that's a very very good point it's like being okay with what what you're feeling may be like oh i just feel disconnected from my mom I just ought to be a rapper right now yeah that's okay - yeah and then also pay attention to all other kind of relationships that you have whether it's friends your your lover now or someone that could potentially be your lover like you know practice that with them as well it might be they might even be easier to practice with some of these outer relationships than your mom right away so that could be one way to kind of ease your way into it some more things that you could practice we started getting comfortable like once you start to identify that initial gut instinct about how you actually feel about whatever that's happening don't be afraid well you might be afraid but act in spite of your fear hmm yeah and say no and there's Mary way to say no I I just I'm not interested in that all right that is invite with me I'm not gonna do that you're maybe right now I don't feel called to do that or I don't feel called to spend our Dean I don't want to spend time with you this week maybe next week or maybe maybe next month oh this isn't really you call the shots yeah yeah don't bend that just to make them feel good but just like okay what feels right to you maybe you just want to spend time with her once a month every you know or even a couple of times a year even you know figure out that for yourself don't be afraid of conflict because what happens is that once you start to say no and like tell people you know your mom or just anyone that you're not in the mood to do XYZ or whatever or even if you decide to like put a different suggestion in place of what they suggest you know you know I don't get it like that book let's do it this way instead that's why watch is why want to do right now you're gonna get conflict especially from people that have known you for a while and they're not used to you actually putting boundaries are used putting your needs first or just like staining your opinion but what you want or don't want they're gonna be like oh no no they're gonna try to guilt you or kind of steamroll you remember this kind of goes back to what we just discussed earlier which is as someone that's a mama's boy that lacks boundaries and has been emasculate your entire life you're going to also attract people that sort of match with that another girl you go to track people that will that naturally test boundaries and will try to push their knees onto you because that's what they match with you know it's like a negative and positive charge it just that's just how it works so most likely a lot is people in your life not necessarily all of them but you probably some people that will push your boundaries and you have to learn to like embrace that conflict that's gonna come up you know it may happen over and over so either one of two things will happen as you go through this girl's process either they will over time as you assert your boundaries and your needs more and more that we either learn to accept it or they we just fall out of your life right and that can be also scary too because you're gonna start to feel a little more alone in some areas well something's part eating okay we're letting people go and being yourself yeah yeah but you got to like right now it probably sounds damn scary to do that but holy crap if you're able to get to the other side of that it's so worth I can tell you you know I I've had lots of people go in and out of my life as I've been growing and I've had a lot I have a lot more distance with certain family members in my life but I you know you feel a lot more free you feel a lot more confident and there isn't this kind of nagging sort of low buzzing feeling of resentment that keeps just below the surface of your life day to day if you not it's greatly reduced and I mean I'm still in the journey of girls so I'm still practicing this it's definitely worth it it's the path to more growth and fulfillment and ultimately love for yourself well said so some of the things that you can also do are things like therapists and binge groups and you know there are also books about this subject well one thing that was really powerful for me was the book called silently seduced I think you also read that book but yeah I mean what yeah there's another book by dr. Patricia love I think it's called emotional incest yeah and if you kind of google the term there's some very top-notch articles by Psychology Today talking about this as well too so like you mentioned relationship therapy men's group mankind projects again place to start as well David data's books ways a superior man his touches on this a little bit but if you really want to talk about if you really want to learn more about the specific issue then the book that Ryan recommended in Oxford to shoot well this book is you know where she needs to start I think yeah absolutely so lots of resources out there these are some of the wins ones that have worked and helped us and if you're interested then we'll put all this in the description below so um so this is my friend Ally he you can follow his channel or his Instagram or his socials I'll put in the description below he is an awesome dude and he's got a lot to say on men's issues and personal development personal development and in general all those boys siting uh-huh that's right

Channel: Awakening With Brian

Views: 4,918

Keywords: self development, mama's boy, masculinity, emasculation

Id: dQuS8SppMfA

Length: 24min 3sec (1443 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 10 2020