I was sleeping. I woke up, and there
was snow. My shoes were slipping around outside I wasn't necessarily wearing
the proper shoes. I should have looked at the weather. Hey, that's Northeast
stuff. Look out there and see all the people out there, like, it's just like, they're
used to it, like whatever. I love that. I do Civil Service shows. I do a lot of shows
for firefighters, police officers, nurses- and when you're doing a show for people like that their
tolerance level and ability to take a joke is on such a higher level than other people. They could
take it a little bit, so you're not gonna offend. You're not gonna walk out of a room with a bunch
of nurses and like that was crazy they're like that's all you got? Put your hands together, put
your hands together for Mr Corey Rodrigues! Never unfriended more people than I've unfriended
during these last two years. Just I didn't know I had so many dumb family members and friends. What
are you writing on your Facebook? I'm so sick of calling my aunts being like, 'they've disproved
this three years ago. can you take this down? because I can't have you posting [ __ ] on my
wall. get this [ __ ] off of here. I know people.' I don't know how people been getting
do everything man everybody's been just coping. I thought I was happy. I
was like, 'I'm not sad about nothing.' happy! and then I realized what I was
doing to cope. I was ordering everything. I've never ordered more [__] than I've ordered in the last couple years. The only time I got sad during the last couple years is when FedEx or UPS would show up in my neighborhood
and they would go to the neighbor's house. I was like, 'ah! where's my [ __ ]!' because you know you
get excited when you hear him outside. You hear him outside pull up like- [truck door noise] You hear the truck open
you're like, 'they got my stuff! all my [ __ ] came in 13 hours!' you're so excited. and then
I see him walk to the neighbor's house. I'm angry. I was so delusional about my packages.
I would go grab the neighbors packages. 'They might have gave you my package. I
was looking at this [ __ ]. [ __ ] it!' I was ordering from Facebook and Instagram.
You know how stupid you have to be to order from Instagram? The [ __ ] comes six months later
in a random box. You're like, 'what is this? I don't even remember ordering this [ __ ].' I ordered a
bike seat. I didn't even have a bike at the time. I was like, I need this seat. Came in some plain
Scott tissue. I said what the [ __ ] is this? I found a box outside my house. You know how
weird it is to lift the box up? like what is in this box? A bike seat in a box sounds
scary if you don't remember. I was like somebody sent me a pipe bomb. I left it outside for two
weeks. I was like, let the covid rot off that box. I live in a nice neighborhood. The
covid can rot off of things out there. I bought in. I bought all the way in. I bought
all the way and I was wiping down all my groceries and [ __ ]. People making fun of me.
What are you doing? I'm [ __ ] not getting it! How stupid you are wiping down a cereal box? I
used to be wiping down [ __ ] and then I would think, I gotta put it in my other hand
though am I really cleaning it? like is it? and I would just be like [ __ ] it. Just keep
cleaning it and wipe my hand after. I was doing weird [ __ ]. and then you talk to one of your friends who are like, 'I don't clean [ __ ]!' I'm like, how are you alive? how are you living?? I started to realize that my health just
depends on convenience. I started spraying everything. [ __ ] it. I started Lysol-ing
everything because it was quicker. and then eventually I got sick of Lysol-ing [__] 'cause it was hard to get Lysol. So I was like, if it's my time to go, it's my time to go. Yeah, it takes a while to get to that point though,
because for a while- and then I would have friends like, 'yo you know you just bought in. You like a
sheep or whatever.' Part of me- I know this is [ __ ] up to say- but part of me just wanted a couple
of my friends to die, like '[ __ ] it you gotta die!' Just so I could be right. I know that sounds
mean. No, but I'm not a sheep! I just need a couple of those people to die, so I could be like
I [ __ ] told you. See? Oh say something now. They make it seem like we're all supposed to be
[ __ ] up now. We're all in here laughing. We're at a show right now. 'gonna die, you're gonna
die if you go outside!' No. Somebody is, but not us. It's [ __ ] up to think about it like that,
but somebody gotta go. We're good. Here's a really messed up thought to think about. Look, if
somebody gotta die, I just don't want to be me. I love my brother- no I really have like my brother.
I'm not talking about black brother because we're in Philly, I'm saying I love my brother, but
if you gotta go, you gotta go. I'm just saying. I got a couple more shows to do.
[ __ ] that. I don't want to die! It's mean to think about that. 'I'm so sad my
aunt died.' Would you rather it been you? Well then shut the [ __ ] up. Move on. Order your wings and
hurry the [ __ ] up. Keep it going. Keep it moving. During all the [ __ ] going on, I just wanted
to be happy. You know what I wanted to do? I wanted to go to the store- the supermarket- and eat
grapes. That's all I wanted to do. That's so random to say. He said what? Yeah I know. I wanted to eat- I
grew up with my grandparents. My grandmother would be shopping the whole time in the store. I'd be
over in the produce aisle [ __ ] up the grapes. When she would have come over I'd be like, 'the
green grapes this week. that's the good ones.' Don't act like you've never done that. You feel
entitled when you get to the grapes. I don't care how goody two shoes of a person you are.
When you get to the grapes you're like yes that's my [ __ ]. You all
have done it. You grab a grape, you wipe that white powder off the grape that
gives you cancer, and you eat the grape. You ever see somebody eat a grape without wiping
it off? You're like, you savage. That's the type of person that's like, 'you're gonna die from
something anyways.' You're like, 'yeah not a grape!' I'm not gonna let a grape kill me. Everybody talks about during
this time- covid made me fat. I got fatter in all this sitting around.
Covid made me f- you were fat.. before covid. It had nothing
to do- covid didn't make you fat. I got a little fatter, like I'm not like fat-
fat, I'm fat for me, right? like this shirt's loose as [ __ ] right now. One of my
college girlfriends- I ran into her cousin, who also went to my college, and she was like,
oh she said, 'Melissa saw you, she said she saw you doing some shows or whatever she said you're
so funny..' and then she had a look she was just looking at me and she said, 'you were so funny..' and
she was like and I said, 'and what else?' and she said, 'you got real fat.' and I said, [yells] devastating to my self. [ __ ] her! I started
looking at all her pictures. I was just trying to find one fat picture of
her, like she doesn't look that good! But again, I'm fat for me. I'm not like-
you guys are looking at me right now- someone was looking at me one night.
They're like, 'I'd die to be in your shape.' I said, that's cause you're fatter than
me. Every compliment's not a compliment. Just because someone's like, you look
great! It's like, you don't! like, what? You can't take what everybody
says, as like oh thank you! For a long time, as a man, you were
able to suck your stomach in and you walk by a mirror and you're just like, 'two weeks. I'll
be right back where I want to be in two weeks.' You start getting a little older and you're
like, it's gonna take longer than two weeks. That [__] not going anywhere. You know you've gained weight when you leave your belt at
home and you're like, I'll be fine. 'Cause that belt digs into your stomach. You ever
take your belt off at the end of the night, you just start scratching where your buckle was,
like 'oh my God I think there's poison in my buckle. I think I'm allergic to the metal. huh.'
You start scratching that little area like, ah. If this isn't you- look don't get all [ __ ]
weird and funky on me. Honestly the winter is a happy time for a lot of people
in the world. They might not like the way the weather feels, but they can hide everything.
Your coat has been your defense for years. If you're a little fatter than you want to be
you put your coat on you're like, nobody knows! If you look fat in your peacoat, walk! It's time to change your life! You should never put your winter coat on and feel like [ __ ], like 'oh no people can still tell I'm fat' For a long time in my house, I was
like, I don't want to talk to the people in my house. like I'm sick of talking to everybody that
I live with. It's almost like you should get a therapist. and I was like I don't want a [ __ ] therapist.
Everybody- all the therapists are like Telehealth. You know? You gotta like call in or Zoom. I was
like, I live with the people I want to talk about. Hiding in some closet in my house and she's like,
'tell me why you don't love her.' shut the [ __ ] up! Trying to turn the computer down. Shhh! 'I
thought you had your headphones in hon.' Scary getting a therapist. Therapist isn't
easy [ __ ] to get. You gotta choose wisely. [ __ ] around and get a therapist. I don't want
a therapist that's going through [ __ ]. I don't want that. You ever talk to the therapist and
they're going through- I was like, 'hey I'm having some problems with my family.' 'me too.' what the [ __ ]
is this? I don't want to know you have problems too. I'm paying you $96.75 an hour I don't want
to know [ __ ]! I need a fixed person. Everybody wants the world to be transparent. You know who
I don't want to ever be transparent? A therapist, ever. I never want a female therapist like, 'I used
to suck a lot of dick, 'til I got my life together.' 'what? what does that have to do with
what I just said?' 'Just telling you there was obstacles.' I don't give a [ __ ] about your obstacles! I don't need your transparency. I didn't pay for this. I don't want people that transparent. The only
person I like that's transparent like that was my Reverend back in the day. like my
Minister. Even as a kid, my pastor used to say stuff, right, and it would make me jealous. I was like I want to do that. I don't know who goes to church
but, I would be at the Baptist Church and my Reverend used to be like, 'I've had every
drug you could have in your life. I've snorted and stayed up for six days. I've had 19 women in one night. I've slept
with 17 of the sisters out here right now! but don't do it, because God doesn't want
you to do that.' I'm like, 'I want to do it! I want to try it!' Why does he get
to do all the [ __ ] and tell us about it? I can tell people about
it after too! I'm a good person! Mental health is a big deal. If you have
things wrong with you, good. Fix it and talk to people that love you. but people are so open
about it now. It used to be kind of secretive. If someone had issues and [ __ ] you would never
know. You'd just be like, you're a little weird. Now people are just open. I was at the bar the
other night. This girl was like, 'I'm [ __ ] up!' She was like, 'I got OCD, schizophrenia,
multiple personality disorder,' I was like, 'are you getting a drink or not because I
don't know you. Are you going to the bar?' She started shaking her bag it sounded like a
bunch of Maracas in a bag. She said, 'I got every [ __ ] pill you can think of.' I was like, 'why are you
telling me? I don't know you!' Listen, I suck toes. Me! I have a foot fetish. I like feet. I'm not in the
bar like, 'I'll suck your toes!' Can we have a drink first before I tell you that? You might not want
me to just be like, 'I'll lick between your toes.' like therapists are [ __ ] gods. I've [ __ ]
therapists. Don't sit here weird like you haven't either. like 'I don't even know them.' Yes you do.
I got therapists feet my phone right now. They send out pictures just like everybody else.
The same therapist who's like, 'you got to change your life and be a little bit more faithful.'
His dick is in somebody's phone right now. You said Jesus? You calling for Jesus? or who just said
Jesus? You think therapists don't do anything bad? They do. They call somebody 15 times, 'are you're
gonna come meet me or not??' They're just as [ __ ] up as the rest of us. They just get paid to
act like they're not. There's a therapist with a butthole in somebody's phone right now.
The same person who's like, 'you need to talk to your mom about your issues with your sister.'
The same person is in someone's phone like- Their whole [ __ ] is in somebody's phone. it's a lot of therapy in this room I can feel it
people are really questioning themselves right now the fact that I suck toes
leads problems for me sometimes because when you admit it and you tell your
friends that you didn't I could never have a gripe about anything I was at one of my boys
houses he was making Burgers one day and he was sweating and some of his sweat fell in the
burger I said yo you [ __ ] sweating in the burgers though he's like yo you sucked
those dog I was like that's different I chose to lick those I didn't I don't
want your forehead sweat in my [ __ ] I'm not looking your forehead around here I just think they could cook too I love what
dudes think they could cook I'm a [ __ ] chef whenever a dude gets around a grill
he thinks he's the man some dudes can't boil an egg will you put them
next to a grill are you ready to go you ever go to someone's house and they're
like yo how you want you want your burger cooked and someone's like I want a medium
someone's like medium well someone else is like well done those Burgers come back
however the [ __ ] he can make them if it's not right it's like throw it in the microwave I could I didn't want to
ruin the other ones you can't cook I was at one of my boys houses he's like yo
Corey I'm about to make these turkey burgers how you want your turkey burger cooked I was like
cooked he was like no I'm saying some people like a medium I said nobody like medium jerky burgers
that's poultry you have to cook that thoroughly he was like nah nah I said nah nah why do I
have to explain that to you be on the Green what else have you [ __ ] poisoned us with and
you didn't ask for permission first who's making medium [ __ ] turkey burgers out here I don't
think there's a lot of your friends who can't cook you know you've been at some barbecue or cookout
before inside everyone was texting hey you getting sick I got sick I got sick you get sick I feel
bad you got sick text John see if he got sick too everybody blames the wrong thing I think I had the
potato salad I think it was the potato salad the mayonnaise were bad was it the coleslaw it's
like no you have salmonella poisoning you're gonna die I hate people who can't cook one
of my boys was like yo man I'm about to make these chicken wings take 10 minutes I'm like
he was like dancing he was gonna make these 10 minutes chicken wings why is he dancing first
of all and you can't make chicken wings in 10 minutes it's impossible I'm a chicken wing
connoisseur you're not making tip from raw he's like they're gonna be ready in
10 minutes I'm like why is he dancing my other friend Mike's like I'm gonna [ __ ]
them Wings up I'm like why is he dancing 10 minutes the Wings come out my friend might
get six wings he's in line first I'm [ __ ] on the wings up he's eating them they're
clearly raw because look he's trying to break the wings you're supposed to be able to
just break a wing every time he tries to break the wings the wings snap back together like
we're not ready they just keep snapping back he gets like five or six wings deep and I'm like
Mike I said the wings are raw man he goes what I go they're not cooked he goes oh what he takes
a napkin he starts wiping his trunk he goes why you didn't say something sooner I said it's
too late now can't wipe it off your tongue that's like having unprotected sex and being like
I'm just going to wash my dick off in the sink you can't do that don't be weird and act like
you'd never washed your dick in a sink first of all there's a lot of people looking at me
like I would never yes you have that's man one-on-one some older dude in your life was like
they get in the jam yeah you don't have any kind of drink cranberry juice and wash your dick off
in the sink cold water keep your pores closed I don't just put my dick in
anybody's sink all willy-nilly either because there's holes in the front of the sink
I feel like spiders are in those holes I don't want any brown recluse biting my balls so
I get your hand towels and I lay it over the front of the sink and then I lay my dick
in the sink and wash it off when you come in the bathroom lady like why my hand towels
wet I'm like I wash my face twice foreign sir I want to move on but
I can't why would you lie any respecting man has come to a time what she's
not gonna be angry at you for admitting that you've washed your dick in this it's not
a bad thing women freshen up all the time you get to a point in a man's life where
you decide to freshen the [ __ ] up at some point in a man's life you realize
because you'll hear a woman talking she's like your balls stink never heard this
I've heard him saying about other people and then you learn as a guy like I got to be fresh
because you're stupid when you're younger you're stupid you'll show up to a situation coming
from the gym like who the heck she loves me and you don't realize there's a girl down
there giving you a [ __ ] dying she's like making those throw up sounds she's got me
listen a lot of times when you're younger she just wants you to like her so if she doesn't
stand up for herself yet she's down there like ah down there [ __ ] giving you a [ __ ] about to die
smelling that [ __ ] and then you run into a girl who's been around a little bit has some confidence
she's like I'm that it smells like [ __ ] down there you need to wash up if you ever look down
in her eyes and she's going she's not happy I'm not talking about the dicks
in her mouth I'm talking about she's just before she touches
anything if she's going it stinks fix your life some of you don't even check
in you got your head back she's down there why she don't call me back cause you smell like
[ __ ] that's why I'm not just gonna [ __ ] on dudes though listen here's something I
want to say no no no yeah oh it's right you ever be able to woman and she's like and she
makes fun of us guys she'll be like why are you like a little alien you just attack the nipple
that's all you do you ever let go or you be on that breast they're like what's wrong with
you you just I'm like a little robot infant or something you just attack it I don't love that
that doesn't feel good you have to love the whole breast go under the breast love the whole thing
why don't you go under it you're like you know why we don't go under there because there's
stinks under there that's why smells like old dishcloths and baby powder it [ __ ] stinks wash
your bras hang in your bra your bra from doors not a 13 bras you wear too wash
your [ __ ] bras they stink the dudes don't have the confidence to be
like your [ __ ] titty stink under here so he's still just like he doesn't
want to say anything it smells bad a lot of women don't wash their bras often
because they're expensive and they Fray and so there's someone in here right now is
on a seven day bra don't [ __ ] lie don't look weird like I'm saying something crazy
somebody's on an eight day bra right now they just hang it up and air
it the [ __ ] out that's fine imagine you wore a t-shirt for eight days why are you turn it away from me I know you
put it on with your titties facing me don't turn away from me [ __ ] understand that why
you hide your titties I know you I sucked those earlier all right I'm out of here I'm Gonna Leave
turn around let me see your titties when you put them on those are my friends foreign why are you
covering them I know them why hide them right now some of you don't believe me and you think
I'm just talking [ __ ] about the Braun you're going to go home later it's going to
be hanging on the back of your bathroom door yeah Corey was right this stinks I just had
to even it out I just want to be [ __ ] on dudes balls that sounds a lot weirder than
I minute this out no no no no I don't want that to be the clip that they use for some I was
already sitting on dudes balls and uh that sounds you're a nasty dude right here I just
switching it up no you're a nasty dude because the way your face is right now
you're envisioning me [ __ ] on some dude's balls that's some nasty [ __ ] that's gross I feel like I'm not a real man man like like I'm
a real man like I got real man parts and stuff I just don't feel like I have enough tools ties
and dress socks to be a real man I feel like any real man I know has a lot of tools a lot
of ties and a lot of dress socks like where do you get all those tools from someone's like
you get those tools for gifts I was like Ugh if anyone ever bought me 200 worth of tools I'd be
like return them and get me four PlayStation games I gotta fill a pillow driver I got a head
screwdriver and I use my girlfriend's pliers all right you know you know how emasculated it is
when you ladies like did you put my pliers back and I was like I was going to use them again I was
saying this one night I'm gonna show I'm like oh I don't have a lot of tools and the weirdest
thing that's ever happened to me after the show happened I'm walking in my car and this lady
starts following me to my car I'm in the parking lot she goes excuse me comedian excuse me honey
you don't have a hammer you don't have a hammer honey and I said what she was like on stage you
didn't say you had a hammer honey you don't have a hammer and I didn't have the heart to tell her I
own a home I have a hammer but I just went with it I was like no no I don't have a hammer she goes oh
my God give me a second this lady runs to her car she comes back she goes I always keep two
hammers in my car honey you gotta have a hammer this lady gives me a hammer after the
show I take the hammer I throw it in my trunk and I just start laughing like I can't believe
I just took a hammer from somebody after a show I thought about her going back to her car just
making a call like yeah I got rid of the hammer yeah yeah I gave it to the black
guy handle first we're good to go like who takes a hammer from somebody
after a show in a dark parking lot tonight after the show I'll be collecting
ice picks I have a wicker basket out front leave your ice picks in the basket I'm
not stupid though like I feel people like I'm not stupid I don't know I just thought
I'm not Mr Fix It I don't like when people come to my house and they're like you should
you should knock that wall down you can see from the kitchen to the living room I'm
like no I'm good walking around the wall I'm not that dude I don't want to be trying
to figure out what the [ __ ] in the wall trying to call a friend over to get it
on the cheap you know what I mean and he's like yo a couple pizzas I'll be over
there in three years like he never shows up doesn't even finish the projects at his own
house I got to keep begging him and eventually I gotta pay somebody seven thousand dollars to
put the [ __ ] wall back up so stupid you start realizing that when you get older like I know who
I am like I'm not I'm not missed to fix it I just I I just learned how to hang pictures properly
seven months ago I've been hanging pictures all my life but not properly right if you move any
picture in my house you'll just see a lot of long striations of the ball where pitchers have slowly
fallen over the years sometimes people like why is that picture so low I'm like hey just just don't
worry about it it's where it's supposed to be I just listen here's a secret you might not know
85 thumbtacks will hold your TV for five minutes it'll fall soon after but for a little bit
you'll be like look at this this is amazing sure there's some things is a guy that
you're supposed to know as a man you're supposed to know certain [ __ ] there's
no more pressure I feel than when some dude just starts knocking on a wall near me
and he knows where the studs are you ever be working with like a manly dude he's
like just starts it right here foreign when he asked that question I
just get hot inside like oh [ __ ] if there's a lot of people around them like yeah
yeah I hear the difference but I'm telling you right now I never hear the difference
it just sounds like banging on a wall some dudes are nice with it they just know older guys know that [ __ ] I grew up with my
grandfather anybody over listen anybody over 60 years old they all say the same thing when
they work on stuff they just know [ __ ] you'll ask them anything they'll be like you're why the
wiring starts over there that's ground wires over there they just know and you'll be like how do
you know how to do that to be like common sense I'm like we don't have that anymore we have
the Internet it's different we don't have common sense that an old head has they know that
[ __ ] Mike I used to do work with my grandfather he never got shocked I was he was wiring stuff
he can't read he has a third grade education my grandfather would be wiring things he never
once was like oh [ __ ] it got me never he'd just be wiring [ __ ] I'm so afraid to change the
light switch without youtubeing the [ __ ] out of it I'm afraid that I'll just go in the wallet and
people are like you should have known better you should have looked it up I have a college degree
if I can't use Wi-Fi I can't fix [ __ ] nothing if I can get on YouTube nothing
around my house will ever you ever watch a YouTube video and you're
like that's too advanced for me right you ever watch a YouTube video they're like listen
before you do any electrical work in your home everybody knows you need to go downstairs
and turn off the main power source I'm like everybody doesn't know that I need to watch another video that
leads up to this video I thought just use rubber handle tools to get the job done
I didn't know I feel the Judgment I'm not stupid I don't need to watch stupid people videos I don't
need to watch a video with a listen before you do any electrical work in your home you want
to step out of the bucket of water all right I'm just saying I don't speak fluent
contractor that's all I'm saying some guys are more mailing if you ever got
stand in front of your car and make the engine rev from the front what you have
a guy stand in front of your car like what's he touching right what's
he touching the head gasket the catalytic converter don't touch the gas I
got it Chief what is he touching I don't know what he's touching I want to know what's under his
fingernails though looks like he's been digging Graves with his bare hands and cutting portobello
mushrooms all day what the [ __ ] under your nails like I work hard that's what's under my
nails I'm like you need to work hard at cleaning your fingernails looks like you
got a French manicure with black tips clean it up that's gross I hate those nasty
fingers like that that [ __ ] grosses me out my friend Jeff is like that whenever I go to
his house he's like yo you want something to drink I'm like yeah he's like yo you want some
ice I'm like don't touch my ice can I have one drink at your house without crude oil in it how
come everything I drink over has a rainbow film at the top what is that he's like that'll make you
tough I'm like that'll make you dead that's oil I don't like nasty [ __ ] I get grossed
out you ever suck some toast before you saw Turtles you have oh you
like toast too that's your thing that's good [ __ ] but come on man yeah my dude
who else like toes clap if you're a toe person in the room yeah that was weird because it was
just two of us that's [ __ ] up I thought there was going to be a few more people clapping no no
it's okay I'm still listen it's still me and you the girl he was like [ __ ] just [ __ ] tucked her feet in
a little bit under the table it didn't go like I planted to go it's okay people are weird about admitting it the
people are so weird about it baby I love it I love it I love talking about it too babe because I love
letting people out of their shell there's a lot of people in there that you [ __ ] toast like it
could be weird if you want to a lot of people have you said thank you oh I got you yeah don't
worry about it it's all right one night I was saying this was like oh suck told this
lady was like you suck toes yeah yeah dicks how are you judging me I know you know you
know comes out of Dick's pee like for real for real sucking a girl's big toe she's like
hold on let me pee from my toenail hold on here it comes never don't let people judge
you there's all adults in this room there's no kids in this room right now a lot of you
have licked a butt or had your butt licked don't get weird and quiet like I'm saying
something crazy a lot of you had your head in the butt like you were eating some butt
you know it comes out of butts I've never been licking a girl's Arch and she's like let
me [ __ ] out of my Arch it's never happened so don't let people judge you and put you in a weird
place stop making that [ __ ] grimacy face at me like you didn't go through a phase in college
when girls are like a lot of dudes get weird to admit it listen I'ma I don't give a [ __ ]
I'm a strong happy guy it's weird to admit that a girl pushed your legs back and ate your butt
it's [ __ ] up to say but it feels good you look down you're like this is crazy right now she's
like right a lot of you have been in some butt don't let people [ __ ] with you for whatever
you're into people are into different things open up what do you want to Sir which besides doggy no
no besides doggie and missionary what's your thing everything so you're in everything [ __ ] it
whatever so why you didn't clap when we said toes is a little white sweaty told I choose which toes
I suck on I have foot prefaces if your feet need tough acting connecting I'm not going to be
licking them I don't want burnt potato chip looking toenails I'm not crawling around on
public transportation like where's the feet that's the thing this is
what I mean when he says that when people aren't into [ __ ] they always
take it to the worst extreme like I want somebody who's just like I finished the
marathon you ready for these it's me no some of you were into anal in this room right now
and that's fine sticking it in butts that's good it's not like you like did you finish
[ __ ] come on in I'm ready to plug it in people always take the worst
extreme when they're not into it [ __ ] out of here sweaty told you have no dude over there it's like I
do like I'm a little sweater right out of some good snow
boots that's what I'm looking for what are you what are you into
right there at you what's your thing besides dog and missionary give us one thing okay I would love to redo this show at your 11th day
your 11th date I want to see what the [ __ ] you're really about [ __ ] dudes in the earlobes
and [ __ ] it's gonna be some crazy [ __ ] mess people to say something too he's
like please don't say anything to me please don't look in my direction you hooked yourself up for the night
though you stood up to the comedian tonight if you're in the feet you can have mines I love Live Comedy I love it my friends call me a germaphobe I'm like
I'm not a [ __ ] germaphobe what's our toes you can't be a germaphobic that's like being
racist and loving the NBA you can't do both but when I see nasty things I get grossed
out that's the thing for me like if I see something gross I'm like oh wait a minute wait a
minute wait a minute you ever be sharing pretzels and nachos with somebody and they do something
nasty like wait a minute what do you do you'll be sharing food you're like these are delicious
thing I was talking to Frankie and I'm like what what they're like what I'm like you got eyeball
juices all over your fingers what are you doing but like it's not a big deal like it's a big deal
to me those are your nachos now I don't like nasty [ __ ] probably in like probably before we heard
anything about covert it was like January of 2020. I was flying back from Grand Rapids Michigan to
Boston and I'm on this flight and you ever hear somebody cough and you're like there's a problem
right there's a dude behind me on the flight like that's all [ __ ] I'm looking at everybody everybody's looking
straight ahead like they don't hear it foreign first thing I did was slump
down in my seat I said whatever's coming at you I don't want to hit me
in the back of the head what is that I took the air I said point that
depth that way blow it backwards finally I said I need to see what's making
that noise I look back between the seats there's a guy looking right back at me going
ah I said ah cover up he was holding a little dirty crumbled up white napkin cover your
mouth it grossed me out I wanted to get off the plane so bad but I'm in the air what am I
supposed to do it's hitting the seat I was like I don't like nasty [ __ ] like that if I'm
riding in the car you want a sunny day and you sneeze and I see all that sneeze for
Breeze in the air oh roll your window down I'm not talking about someone who sneezes and goes
I'm talking about someone who goes [ __ ] that one that one you see all those little particles
in the air like we're coming for your lungs roll your window down and let it out
on your side don't get out of the car I don't like people like that I don't
trust people like that I don't like you as a friend if you got a dirty bathroom if
I show up at your house and your bathroom's all dirty if the caulking's all gold and moldy
in there I'm like what is this you're not even a good friend anymore you invited me over
what the [ __ ] happening in your bathroom all you have to do is warn me like we're
renovating the bathroom no judgment but if I show up and I look in there and I'm like what happened
I gotta wear flip-flops in my friend's top this is nasty someone's like why are you looking
at people's tubs because I'm over 35 that's why everybody looks in the medicine cabinet when you
get older like let me see what kind of fixtures you got in here oh you like the rain shower I like
that I want to get that one that's good that's good gross don't trust people with dirty bathrooms
just say I don't trust people missing Front Teeth I'm sorry if that's a weird transition for
you but if you're missing front teeth get your life together people are afraid of you
do you know that side and back teeth don't matter but the front oh where are your
front teeth front teeth are a big deal front if so if you had a family member bring
somebody over to your house as soon as they turn around and make a plate of food you're
like a [ __ ] teeth you went to college and you show up at this meth addict with no teeth
where are their teeth at you could do better teeth is a big deal if you're ever your doctor and
your doctor was like you're gonna need a little more fiber Frank you're like where the [ __ ] are
you protein I don't care what airline you fly on if you want to get on a flight and the pilot
was greeting you when you got on the plane and he didn't have any [ __ ] teeth you're gonna tell me you're just gonna roll
on that flight like I can't wait to see what today's gonna hold it's gonna be a good one today
this is a great I love this Airline you're gonna be thinking what's going on in central office
the pilot is here with a mouthful of Razor Nets where the [ __ ] are his teeth if you work at
a gas station no one expects you to have teeth if you work at a convenience store [ __ ]
your teeth but if my life is in your hands you better have some taste I trust the pilot
with an eye patch over one missing Front Teeth I always thought Philly was so close to Boston but the fact that you're so reserved on these
teeth we're a little bit different than I thought I'm sorry if some of you are missing
teeth foreign get your lives together before I go I'm supposed to leave I'm supposed
to get off right now I'm supposed to be done but I'm not going to leave yet because I
need to know one more thing before I go what's your thing spicy toys
and props what kind of toys don't just say generic toys like that look
at the guy looking at your looks a nasty guy this is my nasty dude I always know he wants to
see everything he's like who sang it he's so nasty he's the one who thinks I [ __ ] on balls he's
a nasty [ __ ] dude he couldn't wait to look back he's like he was so excited you're
such a nasty dude what what kind of toys don't look at him like he's trying so hard
after he's oh [ __ ] I want to pick it up listen guys I'm Corey Rodriguez this was a lot of fun
thank you guys for coming out peace out foreign snowstorm and there's nothing you can do if this
is big enough it's a big enough catastrophe [ __ ] shut down there's nothing you can do there's
almost a comforting feeling when you know like hey I can't be there because I can't be that side
of my control it's fun to be able to let go as an adult and be like I have no control of this
situation what am I supposed to do the weather didn't uh it's not going to deter me I don't
think I'm gonna be off because of the Snowman the advantages to me are the people just seen down
the Earth to me you know you can talk to somebody that they're not misinterpreting what you're
talking about the whole time they kind of get it they can take a little bit more jabbing than
somebody else and so that makes for fun comedy good thing about about me is is there was a
slight level of comfort in the sense of like everybody has to stop when this [ __ ] hit
it was like wipe out so everybody has to stop we all have different personalities and I almost
feel like people they want me to say like I was devastated and everything was was the worst in
the world I love this I love doing this I was disappointed that I lost out on so much money
and opportunity and things that I had cooking but at the same time I had so much time with my
kids and stuff it was it was it was unbelievable I don't try to be positive just to
be a contrarian to that it's almost like that's just how my brain
is I'm not I'm okay it's okay
