Confessions of a Former Divorce Attorney: Things You Must Know with Sonia Queralt, Esq.

hello everybody this is Vickie Townsend I'm the founder of the cafe D and I am so excited to be starting this new series called divorce rx we are here each and every week with industry professionals in the divorce industry that will help you take your experience from something that could be really crazy and and on and feel you'll feel uninformed where you'll have some control and you'll have some knowledge about the actual crazy process that is divorced so each week we're going to be bringing you attorneys accountants financial advisors child psychologists and marriage and family counselors we'll have real estate you'll learn how to do what you want to do with your jewelry we'll talk to private investigators will talk to life and business coaches we're going to talk to everybody in the legal field to help you make your experience as good and as pain-free saving you time money and your sanity and that's what we're here to do today so we are kicking this off with something that I think is so amazing and that is my friend Sonja quarreled that is a former divorce attorney from the great state of Massachusetts she practiced in Boston she is a graduate of the American University in Washington DC so she is a smart cookie and she's gonna be telling you all about her confessions of a former divorce attorney how you can save yourself all of those amazing things like that time money and sanity peace that's so important to all of us our goal here with this series is to kind of shorten that the learning curve for you so that you can come out of this feeling really really good and confident that you're making some really good and wise choices for yourself and so with that I want to welcome you and I want to welcome Sonya I'm gonna tell you a little bit about her I'm gonna give you a little bit of her bio I've got that right here attorney Sonya Karl tis the founder of diversify this is the cool part is that she's not practicing divorce law anymore she's now a concierge divorce coach that will help you go through the the process with strong support resources an organization to those who feel overwhelmed by the logistics and shock of the divorce process it's not us all right divorce suffice mission is to empower people navigating through a divorce the goal is to maximize results and prepare clients to emerge and succeed in their new life whether the goal is to obtain custody receive alimony or achieve other specific goals divorce a PHY that's her company helps clients achieve their goals so like I told you so you came from Boston Massachusetts she is a graduate from American University in Washington DC she where she received a BA and justice in law with a specialization in psychology which is why she makes this whole process not only just the legal part of it but she understands the emotional part of it that herself so she is a member of the women's 4 Association the Boston Bar Association the American Bar Association and the National Association of Women judges that's awesome so welcome Sonya how are you today I'm so excited you're launching this me too hi thank you so much for having me I am so so excited to be here there will not it sweep last night I was excited to get this going so I'm so happy to be here oh and I'm thrilled that you're with us and we're gonna tell everybody what we've got in store for them in the future going forward cuz you and I are gonna be doing something really special on a regular basis so I want everybody I know we want everybody to get involved with it so you know I want to go ahead and kind of launch you know get dive right into it Sonya the reason that I was so excited about having you on here is that I know you're gonna hold nothing back I know that this does not this is one of those things that there's not even a question as to whether this is self-serving information because clearly not she's going to lay it on the line with what you can do to do a better job with your divorce process and I'm gonna be really honest with you a my last divorce was not my first divorce so that's one thing and I'm a pretty smart cookie and even with that said I made one little mistake one mistake and how I hired and who I hired not that I would I'd liked my divorce attorney it's great but I made a strategic error that big estimated cost it cost me somewhere between twelve and fifteen thousand dollars Wow yeah that's a lot of money that yeah that's the type of money that I don't want anybody else to lose and so it's by understanding the process and you know wiggling your way through there so that you can make some really good decisions so Sonia I want to start this this ball rolling and I want to find out what is it that you think is some cricket mistakes men and women make when they are starting in the divorce looking for a divorce attorney absolutely so I think that I would say the biggest mistake that people make is they don't shop around we shop around for bargains for clothes for food coupons and you shop around because your divorce attorney is really gonna be the most intimate part of your team they are your voice in court so you not only want to go with a divorce attorney that is smart and somebody whose rates are maybe extremely high so you're thinking wow their rates are so high they must be very good what you're really looking for is somebody that you have a connection with somebody whose vision aligns with yours somebody whose goals are exactly what your goals are and somebody who understands what your priorities are because in a divorce as if you're going through it if you're thinking about a divorce if you've been through it as you know sort of your goals change as you're going through the process initially you're sort of to get yourself to file for divorce and then once you've filed for divorce if you have children that becomes an important piece because then you're trying to figure out parenting time custody schedules what's your work schedule like so you really want to shop around for an attorney who really understands what your priorities are and is gonna do everything to get you there you want to be comfortable with your divorce attorney you're going to be sharing very intimate details and I think that there's an element of that there has to be trust and honesty there are some divorce attorneys that all they communicate is via email okay that may not work for you and if you are somebody that needs more face time or needs more sort of and it's support in terms of telephone calls that type of attorneys not gonna work for you for your process so I think the biggest mistake that people make is that they get into a position where they finally decided okay I'm ready to file for divorce they go and speak with one attorney and they say you know what this is it this is great this works okay they're gonna help me get there but it's deeper than that and it's somebody who comes as somebody who understands the emotional piece to divorce I think it is extreme I tell my clients shop around go talk to somebody else I have I have colleagues that I would refer my family to and if somebody is having doubts I want to make sure that our that we work our relationship really works and that our expectations are the same and we are aligned in getting you the best results that we can and we're really one of the most important pieces is for people to be very clear and clients to be very clear about what their non-negotiables are and also about what their priorities are and as a lawyer that's where we're going that's my vision that's my focus and that's where we're going so Sonia when you're when you're choosing an attorney and and when you were just saying the things that you were just saying right now you were talking you were talking to me because I did not shop I didn't know there was such a thing and I know that sounds stupid to somebody on your side but on my side it was you know I assumed and this was you know before I knew you know and now you know you you know better you do better right all right I'll ever do this again I will never do this again but what I so what I want to do that's why I want to help those people that are out there in the same the same you know kind of driver's seat that I was in which was okay I know this one attorney that worked with somebody that I knew about 15 years earlier maybe more now that I think about it probably about 20 years earlier and I haven't kept his name and the truth is is that I'm I'm not even really sure that he was aligned with me although he was a good choice and I would recommend him again but I didn't know and understand even the interviewing process so what are some things that people should ask for and and and you know and then I want to talk about like the money conversation absolutely and that's it's actually rare so I think some of the things that people need to ask for I think that there is your style needs to align there are some attorneys that are extremely aggressive and that may work in that venue there are some attorneys that are not you really want their Styles to align communication that is key for those that have gone through a divorce we know that when you're going through a divorce there's an extreme it's an emotional roller coaster it's constantly up and down and you're upside down and it's it's difficult you don't know where you're gonna be tomorrow and you don't know how you're gonna be feeling in a few minutes and you really need somebody who has the communication style that is going to be able to at a time when you need them their response is gonna be appropriate and their attorneys that don't respond to emails so you the communication I think is something that is key then the fee agreement the fee agreement is essentially the contract that you sign with your attorney that establishes your relationship the fee agreement should be very specific and the fee agreement should also explain how the attorney is going to bill you I am I do so my practice used to be real-time billing and that means that I wasn't charging you for a one word email I wasn't charging you for every time he picked up the phone and called me I would group things together because to me as an attorney it seems very unfair to the clients and we all know divorces are extremely expensive like you stated Vicki from the beginning one little mistake can be very costly and you know and sometimes we're talking about finances but it can be costly sometimes it can be costly with your children sometimes it can so mistakes can be costly and you really need to minimize that minimize legal fees is really something that is a goal of mine save time save money and save their sanity there it is but it's really important and I think to really understand how your attorney is gonna bill you because you don't want to get that first bill when every time you have a thought or an idea you've picked up the phone called your attorney sent them an email and suddenly your first bill is a $12,000 bill and you're thinking oh how am I gonna pay this one and number two how did it get that high the fee agreement should be very specific to that and as a practice fee agreements should be reviewed they should be the attorney should allow the client to review the fee agreement with an independent attorney somebody completely separate from them that way they know that they understand it and they know that it's fair and reasonable before they sign it so really understanding the fee agreement I have spent a lot of time in doing client meetings and ashle going through them and ask questions if you don't understand something ask questions there's no silly question the only silly question is the one that's not asked well here and here's a question we do our what we talk about these yes and this is this is actually the first time these words have even come out of my mouth is is there an appropriate conversation to be said about is the fee negotiable is that to be I mean you know when you when you when they put it on the contract that they're they're billing you three hundred four hundred dollars an hour or whatever that number is two hundred fifty whatever can you negotiate on that you know I think you can and what I've had and in my practice what I have done is a series of things I've done has been very I've been open to payment plans very much so I've been open to on a lot of my bills I give you know Curtis sort of courtesy discounts a ten percent off here I write off a lot of my time but it is negotiable and I think that the other part of it is that I have had wonderful clients I believed in their story I believed in their mission and I really wanted them as clients and have taken a negligible retainer for just future referrals because my belief is that if I do a good job for you and believing you and help you you're gonna help me and the way that you can help me is sending people to me but also I can do that for you because I understand especially nowadays with the economy the last few years and people losing their jobs there's a level of understanding and compassion that attorney or not who have to I believe you have to really understand that and you have to really get down to that level with people to be able to help them to achieve this because divorces are at the highest rate that they've ever been and they are extraordinarily time consuming in this and expensive and that's a problem that is very big problem it seems to me seeing that how I've been down this path a time or two it is more complicated and I don't know if this says about the divorce in decree and the divorce Lobby that it seems attentional that it is getting more and more difficult to negotiate and maybe it's because I think that there are I would say that the majority of I don't know if it's the majority actually I would take that back but I would say that there are a lot of attorneys that are very uncomfortable with the negotiations for their fees the reality is as a form of divorce attorney who's been practicing for a while there we don't get paid all the time that is true we don't there's a lot of people that do not pay their legal fees so if you're a solo practitioner and this is how you're paying your bills and your overhead well yes I can understand why there's a hesitation in negotiating but I think that there really has to be just a realistic expectation of what can I afford what can I afford and what does this get me and this is for the benefit of the client and for them and the attorney to be aligned from the very beginning so I do I think there is a hesitation with and I might understand it from both sides which makes it very interesting as much as I'm very willing to work with clients I also very much understand the hesitation on the part of the attorneys because you would be amazed at how many bills just don't get paid at all and you sort of think hey you go to a doctor you receive a service you pay a copay or you pay for it cause you received a service I'm providing you with the service to UM but it's but so I understand it both ways my practice was to always negotiate with the clients because um that's who I want to help that's what my mission was so and it continues to be in the different capacity so the reality for me is that I want to get you that help and I'm willing to do just about anything in order for you to get the help that I believe you deserve and are entitled to so that was your right well here's a question concerning money because you and I have talked about this and that's where people waste the most money with their attorney and that acting as a therapist that's right that's right you have a psychology degree but it's still an expensive trips to the psychologist then you're paying those fees how can how can our people avoid that what can they do and what should they do because they don't and sometimes I think that they don't even understand that they're doing that when they do it absolutely and and you know and because divorce is so emotional when it always feels so much worse to you because you're going through it you're living it it's your reality so there are times that you pick up the phone the first person you think to call is my attorney they're gonna help me I really do believe and I know it's difficult but I really do believe need to put in place a support system it doesn't mean that you need a psychologist and a therapist perhaps it's your best girlfriend that you can pick up the phone and call because that's really important you need some you need a support system that is more than just your attorney not only because that's what you need but also for financial reasons and God also plays into the understanding the fee agreement and understanding how your attorney bills because for me when I would stick with the client I would explain to them that hey if we're having a two-hour conversation and an hour and a half of it is we providing you at therapy there's no way as an attorney that I'm going to build them for that full two hours even if that half hour we've been strategizing and it's a legal strategy that's great but the other hour and a half I just can't justify that so really understanding how your attorneys gonna bill is really important but setting yourself up for success and all of us who have been through a divorce who has been through a very because a divorce is a very traumatic incident in your life and when you're going through something like that you need to set yourself up for success and I believe that the way to do that is really set yourself up with the support system that you feel safe with and that when there is something emotionally stirring in you for whatever reason you can pick up the phone and call them first what Sonya because we're gonna be talking a lot about saving money today but this is not the only time we're gonna be having this conversation right look what what could you say is the best thing that a couple can do for saving them both money right because when you drag this out on both sides it it impact both both sides of that coin why can someone do what what would your suggestion do be for them to streamline communication how can they best serve the process by making it despite the fact that I don't know a great divorce III don't know but even in that even in the best of divorces there is there's tension and all of that other stuff so how can you what would you suggest on streamlining down on both sides like an agreement that they can make or something about communication and not getting letting it get out of hand because I know that that's something that cost people money in the divorce process because they're just spending and spending their wheels right absolutely and they're very quick to get the attorneys involved and whenever attorneys are involved no matter how minor the situation is sometimes we make it worse sometimes the parties are better off communicating directly but I think I think this is twofold number one I have a belief that nobody wins in a divorce nobody a lot of people will tell you and we have clients who come in and say you know I was told that if I files first that's a good that's of I'm in a better position it's simply not true nobody wins in a divorce if you're getting a divorce it's for a reason and most divorces end in agreements in settlements and the reason is because to go to trial or to not agree is a lot more expensive than to agree on something but I understand that it's very difficult and sometimes we all know we there are crazy spouses and you can not reason or agree with somebody who's crazy and unreasonable um but I think there's a few things I think that number one when you start thinking about getting a divorce start collecting the important documents your attorneys gonna need them the marriage certificates the birth certificates the bank statements the credit card statement start just organizing yourself and you may not even know at that time why am i organizing for this don't worry do it because those are important documents that your attorney will need when it's time to look at all of the financial issues and to do what we like to call discovery which is essentially we're just trying to discover what's going on in that family financially assets wise and whatnot I think when it comes to children it's very hard it's very hard it's very emotional and divorce causes change things are going to change your parenting not only co-parenting with your ex-spouse is gonna change but also your time with your children and that is really emotional I like to tell my clients that at some point at some point there was love between you two at some point and the reality is the more that they get lawyers involved for every little thing clients who don't listen to this or it's difficult for them to listen or there's a lot of back-and-forth something that will get their attention is that first bill and I hate that it gets to that point that's exactly why we're doing this right so that is so that people do not get to that point look at that bill and have a heart attack but some people really need that reality check to realize that you don't need sometimes there's too many chefs in the kitchen you've got you've got the guardian at litem which is a child advocate and lawyer you've got other opposing counsel this lawyer that lawyer we're adults you're gonna have to co-parent without lawyers involved there's an there's an element of having to sort of deal with it in a way and I hate to use that but you do to have to deal you have to deal with the other person and I think organizing your important documents is really important writing things down I love to tell all my clients write things down a timeline of events anything that saves you time and money when you see your attorney because everything's streamlined you have a timeline of whatever whatever you want to discuss with your attorney you have a timeline of events that the attorney will need to make their arguments for your case that streamlines your process it makes the your meetings with your attorney very focused and that in turn saves you time and money and it really is something that as an attorney I appreciate because I can refer back to it and from the psychological part sometimes getting things down on paper really helps the Klein it really helps them focus and it really helps them sort of get it out and there are so many ways that you really need to get that out and so I'm a big fan of those two things Wow that let me ask you this and what we're gonna do after this I want everybody to know that every time we do these webinars we are going back into our private Facebook group where you're gonna be there for at least another half an hour where we can actually answer your questions that is available in our membership area so if you need question if you need information on how you can get back to our Facebook page it starts as little as seven dollars a month that you can ask some questions I'm gonna we're good we are gonna wrap this up in about another five minutes or so but the last point on saving money or or we're not saving money but the money issue sure it's been a lot of time Sonia when I hear from people and it tends to be women honestly where they get to the divorce table and they don't have the purse strings they don't have the finances to get this going but the accounts have been under somebody else's control they don't have the money to go to a divorce how does that start and how does that get going sure um that's that a lot of people are in that situation and that is a difficult situation and when you have a divorce starting where somebody has been controlling the finances and somebody does not have access to them unfortunately that divorce starts on a very aggressive note because the first thing that your attorney is going to want to do is get you access to those funds so that you can pay your attorney and your bills and live so it starts off with asking the court in a motion session for a hearing so emotion is just what US lawyers like to call we're essentially asking the for something and in this motion the attorney would be asking for certain funds to be released and it's aggressive but if you do not have access to finances that is exactly what we would recommend doing other times attorneys do talk behind the scenes and sometimes one attorney will put in a call to another one and talk to them about the situation there is a lot of and that's difficult for clients to understand and I and I very much I'm so I understand why it's difficult but there is a lot of behind the scenes negotiation that takes place between wires and that is if somebody does not have access to the finances or the funds what I would start off with instead of aggressively going to court because that just starts the divorce off in a very adversarial way and it's already an adversarial process it's a divorce so we're trying to maintain it we're trying to maintain that level of crazy what I like to call the crazy divorce train we're trying to maintain it but we're also trying to get you what you deserve and are entitled to and so my first step would be placing the call to the other attorney talking to them about it seeing if funds can be released if they cannot then we're going to court and that's a difficult thing for clients to understand there are going to be even though like I said in the beginning most divorces settle it's not like the movies where everybody's on trial with ten witnesses and if that's not most divorces settle however there are issues throughout that time that you may need to go to court to get a third party the judge to make a decision on but the finances piece is really hard and you know most households are divided like that nowadays somebody sort of takes care of the kids and other things somebody takes care of the finances and the bills so it's very common and it's difficult but there is a solution and something can come of that and then sometimes judges award attorneys fees so they require one party to pay the other parties attorneys fees whether it be partial or total so that's another way to do it but if the intervention between lawyers does not work then unfortunately it's a court intervention Oh interesting and what about um I I have on the cafe D Facebook page they have a really active group of people and there's been some stories that I've heard about hidden assets I didn't have that so much as others but that that is something that how do you go about that and getting them to release it and is there something about a spouse one spouse being in one state and one spouse being in another that complicates the situation and and how do you file on that right yes of course it does whenever you're talking about cross into sort of any issues that cross state boundaries it's a little more difficult why because every state has different laws even though divorces there's a lot of parts of the divorce that are common and pretty mainstream and every divorce has those elements when you're crossing state lines that gets a little complicated um hidden assets happens a lot unfortunately it happens a whole lot which is why the financial discovery piece like I was saying in the beginning getting those bank statements at least in Massachusetts those bank statements go back three years you're getting the tax returns and that is for clients it's a pain because you have to go out and get all these documents and statements and nowadays it's a little bit easier because you can actually print them off the website but I tell all my clients it is such an important piece because of what you just said Vicki because of the fact that that is how we discover these hidden assets these hidden bank accounts and it's really hard because we have marriages of people who have been Mary 30-some odd years and they had no idea and suddenly this asset is discovered well that is when you're bringing other professionals in as well you're bringing in accountants you're bringing in other professionals because you're gonna that's what is in that asset and the conch and then you're gonna figure out also there you are you know you cannot just for about 15 seconds they're ten seconds what you just said and then and then we'll we'll wrap this up and in and if we can have a conversation on the next time you and I are together around child support like dad it's a big one so if we can help our viewers and our listeners negotiate that to their advantage awesome but what were you saying you were tweet you were you were cut off there just for a second ago about we were talking about hidden assets and what's the best way to find those so really the best way to find them is to give your attorney all of the statements that they asked for in terms of financial documents the other part the best way to find it is if your gut and I'm a big believer and go with your gut always cuz then I've learned the hard way whenever I haven't gone with my gut I've lost big time I know you will be both so I think it's really important that if you have a feeling talk to your attorney about it we have had a live had a lot of clients that have come in and said Sonja I cannot tell you why but I have a feeling that there is money hidden somewhere when you have that gut feeling go with it but even though it's a pain and I know I know I know get those financial documents to your attorney and to save yourself some time and money go through them yourself like I tell my clients there are things that they make catching those statements expenses deposits transfers that immediately sends a red flag for them because they know their situation best and for me instead of paying me to go through it for two days go through it initially flag some things for me tell me hey Sonja this is what I see coming in out of this I don't know this account number where is that coming from so the teamwork again it all goes back to that teamwork with your attorney and the reality is if there are hidden assets they have to be valued and if they're across state lines you're gonna need an attorney also to sort of help you out that is barred in that state so you're gonna have a team around you that's when you bring in other professionals into the divorce process to help you out but it's a team effort that is something I've told every one of my clients it's a team effort it's you and I you're driving the bus and I'm there to help you and do all of it for you but you're driving that bus and the more information that you give me the better it is and the more that you can filter information for me the better position you'll be in as well so those statements and it's a pain but go through them look at them what's going on in those statements what raises red flags and why and then let your attorney know don't think oh I I'm not an attorney I don't know I doesn't matter you do know it's your situation and you do know and ask we'll figure it out we'll figure it out we'd rather get an answer to something that you flagged then you not flag it and therefore we overlook it because for us it doesn't raise a flag right right you know you don't know that the attorney does not know what's normal in your home right right right that's all right and you know and sometimes you know we're obviously looking at account numbers and we're doing a lot a lot of Investigation work but you can help with that and that is a client just taking that little piece especially when it comes to these mandatory financial disclosures is so important it can save all much money so much money and where I love my clients being very active in their cases as well and this is a way for you to also because financially we all know in a divorce things are gonna change big-time whether it be you start receiving alimony your paid child support assets are being divided there's a lot of stuff financially that you're Oh picture changes so for me I think it's very empowering for clients to have a really good idea of what their financial picture looks like so this serves two purposes it helps me and it helps you and then it helps me help you write with it's really essential and it's a it's a small thing that can go a very long way that's nothing well I tell you what we're gonna wrap it up and we're gonna go back to our our private Facebook group the purpose of that private Facebook group Sonia is that so that we have people and guests like you that can go there and answer some questions that's not on our public page for everybody to to go through these are people that will be back there that are going through the process that see the value and being able to speak to you directly and ask some questions and get some questions answered so what we're gonna do is well first what I want to do is tell them what we're gonna be doing together we don't have all of the details together yet what we are going to start at the very least a monthly group call called the confessions of a former divorce attorney so that people can come online get some real coaching and some real help in negotiating a very very complicated system so that's what we're gonna be starting out if you guys that are that are listening to this if you guys like that idea let us know we're gonna send you information we're gonna start to trickle that out I hope we're gonna start that this summer in the next month or so we'll probably roll that out and it may it's gonna it's gonna be often as you guys are interested in being a part of that program so we are looking forward to to talking to you about that a little bit more so if you want to go to our private Facebook group and be a member of the cafe D community on our private area it starts at $7 a month where can you go and speak to Sonia and accountants and wealth managers and child psychologists and marriage and family counselors and mental health you know therapists where can you go and ask his questions for $7 a month so we encourage you to go to WWE Champion click on the membership area sign up for membership so that you can come back and join us on our Facebook page every single solitary week we've got two things coming up on Tuesdays I should say Tuesdays we invest creation motivation and Sonia is actually going to be on that with us too to help you feel better about this process because you know what the thing that I know about youth Sonia is that you know and you see from a psychologist side the mistakes that we've made and the emotional sides of this process that damages us and what we can do to lift ourselves up by the bootstraps and move on and start living again so we right so we are looking forward to bringing all of this and more so we've got Tuesdays Tuesdays at 1:00 p.m. Eastern if you miss it we can send you the link for a replay Thursday's is our divorce our ex with industry experts like Sonia and um and then right after both of those each week we're going over to our private Facebook page so please or group please please please join us over there we look forward to thinking we're gonna head over there right now and so again the address for you to go and check that out is WWE cafe decom and then click on that membership area do that right now we will wait for you and we'll start answering some questions over there right now and I thank you so Nia for this inaugural fourth are so much to talk about with saving time money and sanity in the divorce process this is the first of many so my friend thank you so much and I will see you over at our Facebook for a group I'll talk to you soon bye everybody bye bye bye bye

Channel: TheCafeD

Views: 73,548

Rating: 4.30265 out of 5

Keywords: #hangoutsonair, Divorce, Divorce Coaching, Divorce Support, expert, legal

Id: gDqtB37E4i8

Length: 42min 21sec (2541 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 26 2015