Building Connections: How to Be A Relationship Ninja | Rosan Auyeung-Chen | TEDxSFU

if you met me as a child you would have seen a girl with glasses ever so big it took up half her face while the lower half was filled with a lot of metal I had metal braces and it came with a tasteful neck gear that was basically a piece of wire that went into one side my mouth out around my neck and in the other side now SSL wasn't enough I decided to complete the look by wearing my older brother's hand-me-downs as where as clipping this huge bow on the top of my ponytail every single morning now every time I shared this story with my friends they would look at me and say oh man you must have had a lonely childhood I don't blame them I personally would have thought so myself except it wasn't I learned at a young age you are never lonely if you can connect I guess I have my father to thank when he was a child my great-uncle approached my grandfather and told him that he was gonna leave China he wanted to build a better future for himself so he told my grandfather I can take one child claim it as my own and give that one child a better life my grandfather chose my father it was between him and his younger sister at a young age of 10 my father left everything he knew followed his uncle to a land full of mostly strangers so growing up it was basically the four of us my brother me my mom and dad because eventually he came to Canada when he was in his early 20s but we were never lonely my dad had this amazing ability to connect with people and our lives and memories were always filled and surrounded by people that cared and loved us and that's when I realized family didn't have to be about blood relations family was something we can create and from that point on building connections became a huge part of my life I even became a clinical counselor well building connections is a necessity for helping others as Natasha said I work at Vancouver General Hospital's Takai Department I provide individual and group counseling to people struggling with depression anxiety post-traumatic stress disorder obsessive-compulsive disorder adjustment and personality disorder now before I share my secrets with you on to how to become a relationship ninja I have to highlight sometimes building connections can be kind of a tricky thing to do it can take time effort commitment courage I like today's conference theme for us to take the lead one thing I learned as a child but in order to build strong connections with others you really have to be strongly connected with yourself you have to really know yourself by that I mean you got to know what you like what you don't like what works for you but doesn't work for you and of course what your strengths and weaknesses are as much as it important to focus and use our strengths a lot of times we actually forget it's just as important to acknowledge and unconditionally accept our weaknesses only by embracing our weaknesses do we actually become more grounded a more stronger as a person otherwise you might find yourself feeling easily offended by people and you actually might end up coming off that's a little bit defensive as a child I'll get asked by other kids occasionally hey what's on your face and because I was embarrassed about what I had to wear I would snarl back with nothing what's wrong with yours now I quickly learned apparently fellas not the quickest way to be making friends and honestly wasn't until I accepted that my looks were a part of me and something I couldn't change for a while that I actually began to focus on one of my strengths my sense of humor went interacting with people and soon after that I started making many many friends and despite the fact that I still look the same I was a much happier kid and even though people still asked me that same question and no longer felt like for digging an open wound instead it was just another question a lot of times where we're building connections we have a tendency to want to show people our good side and just our good side which makes sense we're trying to make a good impression hopefully build a long-lasting connection now take a moment I want you all to think about people that you feel closest to you people that you feel most connected to take a moment imagine their faces got it I guarantee they've seen your good side and you're not so good side it isn't until we're able to us accept and embrace ourselves for who we really truly are that others can do so as well and that's how we build strong connections I worked the teenagers for 10 years and I have to say who they trained me well on this concept don't take it personally I talk about non filtering verbalization if I was to take everything they said personally I wouldn't even be here today I'll be living in some remote island try to be void of any human contact one interesting thing I actually learned about this concept just a few years ago is that sometimes what people say as much as kind of hurts a little bit actually might not completely be about you instead it can be a reflection of their way of thinking their current emotional state are there patterns of behavior one day I was at work and I had a colleague burst into my office because they had this juicy secret she just had to tell me so I could use a break I listened to the secret and after she was done on her way out I remembered she turned around she looked at me in the eye and said now remember don't tell anyone because you kind of have a big mouth sometimes my head exploded I'm like did she just say I had a big mouth me a trained counselor where confidentiality it's like the number-one rule at that time I knew I had only two choices one I can consult my colleague ask for more clarification but I kind of felt like I might be walking in an open mind field so I just decided to the next best thing I went to a colleague I trusted and I told her the story now of course I did not tell her the secret otherwise I just confirmed the accusation that was made of me I remember her be action she's like what no thank goodness if anything she just told you a juicy secret and everyone knows if you tell her something the whole departments gonna know by the end of the day now I actually didn't know that but it felt good to consult in someone I trust so sometimes if you feel like someone said something that really hurt either ask for clarification or do what I did ask someone that you trust the next one is my favorite bad vibes how many you of you out there just met someone you just talk to them or you barely know them maybe had just a few words here and there but for some reason the moment you saw them you just did it like them put up this you show hands that's right let's be honest okay put it down now for the sake of my presentation I'm not gonna ask how many of you had that feeling when you saw me come out on stage and I do sincerely apologize if your neighbor looked at you before putting up their hat now bad vibes that's a really interesting thing we always say oh he gave me a bad vibe or she's giving me a bad vibe but in reality they actually didn't they didn't do anything all they did was come into your line of vision what happened was you saw them and then you decided I don't like that person and you labeled them with bad vibes I remember when I was 16 and I had my first day of volunteer work at a day camp and I came home telling my father how oh there was just other volunteer that I just didn't like I remember my dad looking at me saying why you don't even know her I remember looking at my father in the eye and saying oh you know how it is you just sometimes meet people and you don't like them but you don't know them at all and I remember my father was like he's like thinking where did my 16 year old daughter go and how does she get replaced with this old lady full of wisdom that just spoke one of the unsaid truths with human interaction so all you said was go finish your Chinese soup so the next time you have a bad vibe from someone take some time ask yourself what it is about that person that really bothered you it might not be a fun task by guarantee you actually learn more about yourself now human beings were all amazing storytellers every single one of us we tell ourselves stories all the time someone offs are loud storytellers some of us are a bit more quiet storytellers but we tell ourselves over 50 stories a day about ourselves about our family about our friends and even strangers it's how we interact with the world now that's all fine and dandy until we forget that their stories and we start telling ourselves that they are facts judgments and assumptions sometimes when I'm working with my clients I'll point out oh you just made a judgement or assumption and to because I didn't know I didn't and a lot of times it could be a hard thing to catch because at some point we tell ourselves stories so often it just became second nature so judgments usually would have some evaluative term maybe pretty ugly big small right or wrong and with assumptions it usually would have the word should always and must now I don't know about you but I don't know anyone that can actually read minds but I do know a lot of people that don't appreciate being judged and don't appreciate having assumptions made about them before I came into this field and like you most of you as well you might have to think that counselors cycle a psychologist therapist they must be these relationship ninjas DIMP us have these amazing relationships with family friends peers and I actually thought so too in fact if I heard a marriage counselor was getting a divorce I'll be thinking oh maybe that counselors not too good or which is funny because we don't judge a medical doctors ability to help people but how many times he or she gets sick but the one thing I realized when I came to the field was oh there were two things that I learned one from the moment you received your training it's almost as if someone put these microscopic glasses on you and you suddenly see every single characteristic trait about everybody you see all the good and well they're not so attractive traits as well in fact sometimes I find that I often have to turn off my brain when I'm talking to people otherwise I will start over analyzing their words and over analyzing the behavior that's when I realized hmm ignorant is bliss sometimes secondly even though clinical psychologists and counselors yes we are equipped with more skills to overcome social hurdles however it still takes to to build a connection and no matter how hard you try if the other person isn't putting any effort you wouldn't be able to build any connections next is about it's all in the delivery now there we go a lot of times we kind of hate communication it feels like such a pesky thing to do unfortunately we're stuck with it and actually at a young age I realized it's actually not hard to be honest with people it's not what you say it's actually how you say it that ultimately affects the other person imagine this if you were to give someone a present which would be better received one where you shove them a brown paper bag or one where it was very obvious you put time and effort into putting the president into a nicely gift-wrapped box I think we can all agree on the ladder I call this communication gift wrapping I always tell my clients where you're trying to tell someone something just actually take some time put some effort in think about what is it that you really want to say try to keep it simple try not to talk too much around Milan otherwise people might feel a little confused and actually misinterpret what it is you're actually really trying to say now we all struggle sometimes but telling people news that might be bad what I always suggest is why don't you pulls it as a suggestion for exploration rather than something etched in stone and it never hurts to highlight why it is beneficial for this person to know this new piece of information even if it hurts I was when he shopping with a friend of mine and a few years ago and she was trying on wedding dresses and after two I remember her looking at me going oh nothing fits well I feel so fat I look fat don't I I think we all can agree Oh dangerous position to be in I remember looking at her and saying well I just don't think those stress tiles suit your body type right now you think I would have dodged a bullet there unfortunately she didn't let me off the hook and the closest exit was too far away from me so she's like you do think I'm fat don't I and I actually ended up sticking to the facts I asked her right back I'm like well have you been eating differently do your clothes feel different have you been exercising less and you know what I think you can all guess I didn't even have to answer the question she came to her own conclusion and she didn't hate me afterwards either a lot of times people tell us that I don't care if I'm lonely but let's face it no one really wants to be lonely and it's true we often forget you were honestly never lonely when you connect it's only through connections that brings out care compassion love empathy and humanity in all of us unfortunately it's when were disconnected that people do things that hurt themselves and others in the world like we see in the news today so I challenge you all here today over the next break next day next week next month next year make a connection you pursue prised at the impact that can have on you and the other person for some of you in the audience you know that I just had my second child earlier this year I also have an older daughter named Rachel and it's been a challenging task trying to prepare for this talk and take care of a newborn son but I figured haha what's a better way to build a talk about building connections than to implement it on my son so I practice with him every single day and it take me long to get a reaction out of him I even took a picture I still love him I didn't give up remember building connections takes time sometimes it can take a lot more effort so I kept going and I kept trying and I kept trying and finally I got a different reaction out of him remember don't take it personally thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 175,676

Rating: 4.8716512 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Canada, Social Science, Friendship, Relationships, Social Interaction

Id: cBmMZFMPf18

Length: 18min 14sec (1094 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 09 2017