The argument free marriage | Fawn Weaver | TEDxPortland

in 2003 I received a call I won't soon forget it was my business partner informing me that my fiance had just been taken by ambulance and there was no further information dozens of tests doctors specialists and MRIs later nothing there was no explanation the only thing we knew is he was having dinner with a friend had one drink went into the bathroom and never came out but no teske tell us why he was healthy and laughing one moment and then blacked out on the floor and being rushed to the hospital in the next a few months later I'm married that amazing wonderful handsome genius of a man but I have never forgotten how I felt on that day when I received that call helpless panicked scared I might lose my best friend when I married Keith I did so knowing that something like that could happen again at any time we found out a few years later what was the cause of that blackout and honestly it was really no big deal but I knew from the very start of our marriage that I would not do anything I would not say anything to him I might later regret I knew that I would do everything in my power to love him love is the nucleus of each of our lives it is what propels us to greatness it is what makes this life worth living it is the first emotion that was showered upon most of us from the moment we entered into the world our mothers fathers siblings hospital workers immediately following our grand entrance we were introduced to the strongest emotion there is love and then for some reason we get married or enter into a long-term relationship and we allow something to compete with our consistent ability to show our admiration and affection for those we love most life life happens debt happens stress happens a terrible boss work kids downtown traffic all of the most challenging and frustrating moments in life did I mention downtown traffic all of these elements of life happened to us and we forget one very important thing we can't count on tomorrow it may never come the love we share in this moment is the only love we are guaranteed to give when we argue with those we love most we make an unwise and presumptive to this decision when we slam a door hang up the phone on someone we love when we spew hurtful words we make an assumption that they will later be there to allow us to apologize for our words to make up for our nasty comments we assume that they will be on the other side of the door when we decide to open it or that they will be on the receiving end of the phone when we decide to call again but what a tragedy it is for those who never get that chance they spend the remainder of their days playing out that last conversation those final words their endless regret so far are you trying to tell us that you and your husband don't argue are you trying to tell us and you want us to believe that you say what's on your mind are honest and transparent with each other and you don't suppress your emotions yeah you do realize that nearly every family therapist and marriage counselor in this room and outside of this room is likely to dispute what you're saying is even possible I do for those that just left and that's okay for those over here that just laughed and here's why I have lived through what I am about to share with you for the last twelve years of my life so no one not even those that left can convince me it doesn't work there are three things that I have used to create my own argument free marriage that you can replicate in any relationship that you desire to last a lifetime you ready I promise it's not gonna be a joke this is real this is real the first is to understand and obey the law of acceleration the second is to stick to the original emotion and the third is to keep at the forefront of your mind this indisputable fact that tomorrow may never come I recognize the law of acceleration for the first time about ten years ago my husband and I are two incredibly strong-willed people with great convictions about what we believe sometimes our beliefs are aligned sometimes they most certainly are not we have agreed to disagree on more occasions than I can remember but we always do our best to see the point of each other by the end of the conversation 99% of the time this works brilliantly and then there's that 1% of the time that requires a timeout before one of us says something absolutely boneheaded will later regret the first time this happened was a doozy I was frustrated with how he handled a situation with my in-laws and just about hit the ceiling I opened my mouth to say a few words and immediately knew that if I continue in that conversation I'd be embarking upon the very first argument with my loving husband did I mention he's crazy handsome sweaty incredibly wise the kindest man I've ever known and if you hear a cheering section over there it's because he's leading it yeah I knew it wouldn't be worth it so as quickly as possible I laced up my tennis shoes and bolted out the front door I decided I would walk until all of the angry voices in my head has subsided throughout the voices just began getting louder and louder and louder telling me I was right and Keith was dead wrong you have every right to be mad one voice said you should give that man a piece of your mind jabbed another what was going on in that moment is something that I like to refer to as the law of acceleration do you remember in 2010 when Toyota had a defect in their cars that caused them to accelerate while the driver was pressing on the brakes the drivers going at full speed were swerving left and right trying to dodge cars and bring their cars to a halt before hitting another some succeeded some failed what the drivers of those Toyota's described as happening is what so often happens to us when our loved ones and spouses do something that hurt disappoints or saddens us rather than paying attention to the original emotion that place of vulnerability we allow the voices in our head to cause us to accelerate resume ahead from hurt to angry from disappointed to frustrated from fearful to ready to fight and from sad to mad the day of that in-law incident I knew if I did not get out of that house right then right there I was going to lose control so I kept walking and walking and walking let's just say I burned a lot of calories that day the same year that Toyota was trying to repair its batter image Rosie O'Donnell attempted to make reparations to her own reputation in a January 25th interview with Oprah Winfrey discussing the huge fight between Rosie and Barbara Walters that got her Elstad from the view the first time not the second the Oprah asked do you regret that moment what Rosie said next confounded even the talk show Queen herself Rosie said this for me at that moment if I had been braver I would have just cried and said you really hurt my feelings Oprah clap her hands as if having one of her aha moments and said that is so interesting that you would say if I had just been braver I would have just cried because oftentimes crying is seen as the weak thing to do she then asked Rosie why what Rosie said next illustrates the principle of sticking to the original emotion better than anything I could ever hope to say to you today Rosie said because then you're vulnerable then the authentic feeling which I had which was pain and hurt and rejection would have come out instead Rosie told Oprah she'd put on the same armor she chosen since she was a child she shielded her vulnerability and masked her hurt feelings with anger when we become angry enough to begin arguing we have allowed the original emotion which requires our vulnerability to be covered up by a more aggressive defensive response rather than exposing the besides of ourselves we put up our shields and pull out our verbal swords we swing left we swing right missing the mark every single time one of the simplest and most powerful books to ever be written is don't sweat the small stuff by Richard Carlson when I wrote my first book the happy Wives Club that really is a book I traveled to 12 countries on six continents and interviewed couples happily married 25 years or more I figured anyone happily married a quarter of a century or more definitely knew the secrets of a great marriage and I wanted to find out what were the common denominators for my last interview I flew to San Francisco to the home of Chris and Richard Carlson sitting in front of their fireplace Chris shared with us a call she'd gotten early one morning a little before 6 a.m. Richard boarded a flight in San Francisco headed for to New York to remote one of his books most people don't know this because Richard's amazing books live on but Richard Carlson never got off that plane alive and athletic healthy 45 year-old man said I love you to his bride of 21 years and the next day a beautiful loving mom of two became a widow just that fast there i sat next to the love of my life just a few years younger than Richard when he died seated across from Chris as she shared with us the pain of that moment on the coffee table between us was a book called the last lecture a book written by a 47 year old professor who when given just three months to live delivered one of the most powerful lectures you ever want to see at the end of his talk he put up a slide that said this talk wasn't for you guys it was for Dylan Logan and Chloe his three young children he was leaving behind fitting in Richards chair looking into my husband's eyes as he listened to Chris's words and then looking at the last lecture divinely placed on the coffee table between us there was not a chance in hell I'd ever let a day go by that my husband did not know he is the greatest gift I've ever been given Toyota's mistake Oprah's aha moment and Richard and Chris's final morning together continue to guide every day of my life and if you haven't figured this out already if you did not realize I was really just talking to myself up here this talk isn't for you guys either it's not just for you this is a lifelong reminder to myself my family my friends husbands and wives everywhere and you to forgive and give as if it were our last opportunity to love like there's no tomorrow and if tomorrow comes love again you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 549,444

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, United States, Life, Choice, Communication, Compassion, Decision making, Emotions, Empathy, Family, Happiness, Life Development

Id: 2yXBFo46aRs

Length: 16min 10sec (970 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 16 2015