Codependents Mistake Breadcrumbs For a Piece of Bread

[Music] thank you hi welcome to my latest YouTube video today I'm going to talk about a meme that I made a really long time ago probably about a year after the first edition of the human magnet syndrome was published maybe 2014. it was codependents or slds people were self-loved efficient they take a handful of breadcrumbs and mistake it for a piece of bread and that Meme was really popular people liked it they shared it they even wrote back and told me how they could use it to Simply understand their codependency and so what I did was I took this metaphor of bread as you know a nutritional piece of food and to use it as an explanation of a relationship that has two partners who share in the distribution of love respect caring and Trust lrct incidentally in my human magnet syndrome books the definition of codependency very simple definition is a person who gives all of the love respect caring and Trust in a relationship wants it to be reciprocal or Mutual finds out that it is not and depending on their personality they either try to equalize it but fail or they never try to equalize it and that is as simple as it needs to be because it cuts across all types of codependents or slds all the personality types all the differences no matter if you're what I call an active codependent a cerebral codependent an anorexic codependent or the other personality types all are involved in relationships in which they give all or if not most of the lrct love respect caring and Trust they want it or hope that it will be returned it's not and they stay so I use lrct as bread in a healthy relationship lrct or a piece of delicious yummy bread is given as much as it's taken and no one counts or keeps track of it because it's done naturally because of someone's affection and love because of someone's shared values because of mental health a shared connection of two mentally healthy people but the sad reality is slds people with self-love deficit disorder or as the world knows as codependents they never experienced a relationship in which there was this Mutual exchange of bread and of course if you are listening on my podcast you missed my air quotes the problem with slds is that they don't even think of a piece of bread because a long time ago all the way back in their childhood they were fed crumbs they were fed pieces of bread that was very inconsistently given to them they were hungry all the time and when there were breadcrumbs or pieces of bread that is what they thought of and that's what they came to understand as someone giving them nurturing sustenance support caring love respect and if you get used to it as a child and learn to adapt to times in which you get those little pieces of bread or the breadcrumbs and that is good that makes you happy then you come to believe well that's the norm I don't know much about diets but the one thing that I know and I don't know if it's actually scientifically proven when you start a diet your stomach shrinks well essentially once you start lowering the amount of calories that you eat lowering the amount of food that you eat your appetite tricks and should you in the middle of a diet all of a sudden eat the same amount of food that you did before the diet it's likely that you'll feel like really bad or get sick well what happens is and again I am talking to you as a non-medical practitioner but what happens is that your digestive system acclimates to the amount of food that you are getting and all the biological subsystems and major systems come into line and they expect a certain amount of say bread and if the person doesn't get it that person gets really hungry and consequently motivated to seek more of it but if you are exposed to a sparse diet of metaphorical bread lrct your system never gets used to feeling satiated filled you know that happy feeling of going oh I can't eat anymore it gets used to just having a couple bites a mouthfuls of bread and thinking well that's as good as it gets and a child who comes from that environment they learn to manage their expectations and not get so sad or mad if they're hungry but find a way to just deal with it so these are children coming from these dysfunctional families during the most important developmental phase in their life which we call the attachment phase they are severely traumatized and with some gaslighted deprived neglected abused and all sorts of terrible things they come out of their childhood with thought patterns beliefs values expectations about what they believe they deserve and if you come from a family in which breadcrumbs was the norm well you just kind of grew up in that's your norm and if you take that type of early conditioning early development indoctrination to what to expect from the world and you go through this whole phase of your childhood you come out of it with attachment trauma the type of trauma that I talk about that is responsible for sldd self-love deficit disorder or codependency and that trauma crystallizes in your brain and it it forms your expectations it forms what you believe you want in a relationship what you think is normal which in the case of these children was being hungry all the time what you do when you're hungry or what you don't do and so by the time they get into adult relationships especially romantic relationships anything more than breadcrumbs is seen too much indulgent and for some who've experienced a very traumatic childhood with a parent whose mood say they had borderline personality disorder whose mood and affect would dangerously shift in a moment's notice and this loving pathological narcissist someone with borderline personality disorder would then all of a sudden see the child and we're talking about the child within their development as the enemy and would then hurt them and because it's borderline personality disorder it would cycle back to understanding and loving that child feeling bad about the treatment and promising not to do it again and of course the cycle over and over again so if you come from a childhood that can be understood as attachment trauma you had Parents both the narcissist who was conditionally giving of the bread who chose the people who they fed more based upon what that person did to them or how that person made that feel and then starved the people that refused to comply with their expectations and then in between the conditional feeding and provision of food or the very conditional starvation then there was the rest of the family who never quite knew if they were going to get and air quotes fed or not so if you are raised in an environment like that you expect as an adult an sld or codependent adult you get used to not being hungry you get used to the preference and the value for being hungry and safe versus the very dangerous proposition of being hungry and asking for more than your narcissist will give you so every sld I know including myself especially back in early days of my recovery will tell you how upset and resentful sometimes angry jealous they have been with their narcissist who will not give them what they deserve and they talk about just taking scraps but yet these breadcrumbs is enough sustenance or metaphorical nutrition that it's just easier to be hungry and believe that well that's just how it is so that if a narcissist is nice to them then they get happy if the narcissist says something that they perceive as nice but if someone was just a neutral onlooker and would say well that's not really nice it's just the absence of bad the absence of nasty but those breadcrumbs they're gobbled up they are seen as love they are mistaken for love respect caring and trust and like anyone who has a diet with an appetite that has been greatly diminished for a while you can get used to it but over time you're going to get skinnier and skinnier and sometimes dangerously malnourished so staying with the metaphor the emotional when I quote body of the codependent gets thinner emaciated and instead of wanting and seeking more food they choose the safety of being hungry versus the danger of asking for more food it reminds me of one of my favorite sayings from manias nun and the day came when the wrists remained tight and above was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom the codependent the sld they get used to the breadcrumbs they do their cost-benefit analysis intuitively unconsciously and always come up with the results well breadcrumbs in Hungary is better than being unsafe hurt or punished maybe they were systematically manipulated to believe that this hunger is part of their what we call projective identification which essentially is accepting the narcissist's projections or their unconscious attribution of the parts of themselves they hate unto others so it's the sld or the codependent's acceptance of these projections and belief that any other idea or explanation is just wrong so no matter what it is these starving codependents don't even know they're hungry these starving codependents are happy sometimes to get just a handful of breadcrumbs a piece of a piece of bread in my human Magnet Center book I explained the same phenomenon using different terms and you guys probably know I I love analogies I love stories I love metaphors because they explain some very hard to understand sometimes impossible to understand dilemmas Concepts problems in a way that people can understand them and relate to them one of my explanations is what called codependency delusion so let me start off with the basic definition of a delusion it is a belief that is not supported in reality people with severe mental illnesses have very serious and highly problematic and consequential delusions well those delusions those psychotic or schizophrenic or bipolar related delusions are not the same we are talking about a milder version of it where you believe that you're going to get the love and the respect and the caring and the trust that you put into a relationship you're going to get it back and like a hamster and a hamster wheel you get on that wheel and you move forward with that expectation run a furiously stopping when you're tired and running again with that hopes that you're going to get what you believe you deserve but you don't get it and that is proof that this delusion is wrong a co-dependent and sld believes the narcissist is going to eventually love respect and care for them they believe that if they do something just right they'll be able to convince the narcissist to see the light and not be so selfish or conversely if they stop doing what they are told is wrong which very well could be gaslighting they are going to get the lrct well that is the codependent delusion is to believe that your partner your narcissistic loved one is going to eventually give you as much lrct as you give the other person the other analogy I use comes from the study of Child Development and it's called magical thinking children have this wonderful ability to imagine things in their mind have imaginary friends who have imaginary conversations to believe things that are so far from factual truth it is normal for a toddler and a young child to have magical thinking which is to believe that there's going to be a way to get what you want you deserve or someone promised you but you never really get one day daddy say if daddy's a narcissist he's going to show me love one day Mommy who is the codependent is going to stand up to Daddy and say stop hurting my kids and if you don't stop I'm going to leave you one day I'm going to figure out exactly what daddy wants me to be and be that beautiful daughter or son that he's always wanted just one day well that magical thinking that fantasy Rich thinking is a survival and A coping mechanism for the child because there's not a child in the world and in fact it is a part of our Evolution our biology we humans and other animals it is built into us to want to love to need to love our parents despite any indication that they don't love us I work in foster care for a very long time and I witnessed this with the kids who were taken away from their parents and would have these once monthly supervised visits and they would get so excited and they would draw pictures and put on their best clothes and just be so almost medically excited to see the parent and within a minute or two the parent would act as they normally would and in the cases that I'm talking about the narcissistic parent would just have no interest in the child or would say something that would hurt the child and that child would be devastated and go back to their foster home and and be upset and act out but yet these children kept fantasizing about their parents I guess what I'm trying to say is that all of this in combination accepting little tidbits of love respect caring and trust and turning them into something bigger so you can imagine or believe that someone actually loves you and that you love someone and that love is going to have some benefit to you in totality it is not just a bad habit as I said earlier it comes from the child's upbringing that is crucial to understand that the expectation and the acclimation to breadcrumbs is not a product of faulty thinking or faulty adult judgment it is directly related to a survival or coping mechanism in their childhood that help them survive a desert of a family in which there was not a lot to and I say quote eat and from that very important developmental phase of a person's life then they have their expectations for others or what I call a relationship template set so if you are a person who has acclimated to breadcrumbs and found a way to see them as love respect caring but you really know it's not true and you can recognize your your hunger pains as caused by starvation not something you're doing to yourself or you have done to yourself not because of your supposed mistakes or Gaslight ideas about yourself that somehow justify in your mind you to be deserving of such hunger and if we're going to solve this problem which essentially is self-love deficit disorder we have to understand the narratives the tapes the scripts of our childhood that were written so that we would be appreciating recipient of breadcrumbs while I was thinking about this video I had this flash to this movie I saw I was probably seven years old it was Oliver Twist Charles Dickens famous book put it to a movie and there's a scene where a child comes up to the Headmaster of the school and is really hungry because all those kids are suffering from malnutrition because of the selfishness and the lack of respect and caring for these children so this boy Oliver goes up to the Headmaster says sir I want some more and Mr Bumble goes what please sir I want some more more snatch him says Mr Bumble Whittle corn he says hold him scold him pound him trounce him pick him up and bounce him Oliver never before has a boy wanted more but he won't ask for more if he knows what's in store so in this scene is a perfect example of the early environment where a child before they are shut down responds to their cravings and finds out that the consequence the punishment for such a request so far exceeds their need that they shut it down so in conclusion if you are one of those breadcrumbs accepting slds first my heart goes out to you it really does because I know so well what that deprivation what that hunger feels like it is extraordinarily painful to get used to being hungry and not complaining about it and eventually forgetting it because one day if you are lucky you're going to wake up and say I am really hungry and this is not right and when you are ready to do that or you are ready to face yourself love deficit disorder you are ready to embrace the pain the trauma not because it feels bad who wants to embrace something that hurts them but to know that the truth of what happened to you and your experience with it and how it shut down your memories shut down your feelings created your mind to think in all sorts of ways that make no sense built up your expectations your choice of what you believe are safe and loving people well that can be changed my self-love recovery treatment program works through the causes the original causes of sldd which of course is the primary cause is attachment trauma and from there it reorientates a person for the first time in their life to want self-love and to fight for it so I hope this presentation will help you understand why codependents or why slds seem so okay with being hungry all the time and should you be an SLV who has accepted breadcrumbs or love respect caring and Trust I am hoping that this discussion will prompt you to reevaluate to embrace the pain of your hunger as something that can be changed until next time don't forget that it is your Birthright to be self-love abundant bye-bye [Music]

Channel: Ross Rosenberg

Views: 11,156

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Id: 07P5L1lWQM8

Length: 22min 46sec (1366 seconds)

Published: Fri May 19 2023