Chelsea Handler Discusses Being Childless by Choice - Long Story Short | The Daily Show

one thing that I have made abundantly clear is that I do not want children I say it on stage say it in interviews it's the first thing I say to myself in the mirror when I wake up each morning right before I tell myself God you're a dynamic woman don't respect me and quite frankly the feeling is mutual and the fact is there are millions of women just like me but for some reason every single one of us at some point in our lives is shamed by Society for not wanting a baby and that's what I want to talk about in tonight's installment of long story short in America and honestly everywhere motherhood is treated as a woman's Central purpose in life as if our destiny is to let a tiny stranger rip a hole through our Pikachu from the inside out and then as soon as we turn 18 we're just supposed to sit back and wait for Nick Cannon to impregnate us and look I have infinite respect for moms but motherhood is hard it's so hard it even broke Marie condo tidying up was her life's work then she has kids and was like [ __ ] it living in squalor is fine so it really shouldn't be surprising that some women aren't signing up but many people aren't just surprised they're horrified childless women are seen as unfulfilled unhappy even the pope has slammed us saying that not having children is selfish first of all I am not going to take procreation advice from a guy who's never even penetrated anyone well not that we know of anyway and what's crazy is that for some reason people feel entitled entitled to tell you what a horrible person you are right to your face when people ask me do you have children and I say no they always look at me then and say oh I'm sorry as if like there's something like physically wrong with me I've had people break down in tears to me about the fact that me not having children is robbing them of something I've gotten everything from your selfish for not wanting children your childhood must have been terrible if you don't want to have children are you one of these career thirsty women that doesn't want children and how could you deny your man the chance to have children I wouldn't want to be with you yes because men are so upset every time they're denied a chance to have a child watch an episode of Maury Povich to see how excited men get to find out that they are the father and it's bad enough when people judge your life choices but apparently childless women aren't just harming themselves we're actually destroying Society if you look at Kamala Harris AOC the entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children and how does it make any sense that we've turned our country over to people who don't really have a direct stake in it we're effectively run in this country via the Democrats via our corporate oligarchs by a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they've made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable too have more children I don't want to make the country miserable I love this country it's where all of my things are and I've got news for everyone instead of shaming childless women for what we're doing to the country you should be thanking us we are saving Society we are more likely to give our money to charity we have a lower carbon footprint where the reason there are fewer screaming children on airplanes in movie theaters and restaurants and every baby we don't give birth to is one less baby that could grow up to be the next Elon Musk and guess how many children he has nine you better bring them all to Mars with you buddy okay go to Mars go already but these Fox News trolls are right about one thing I am miserable in fact I was just scrolling through my Instagram feed the other day realizing how miserable I am I'm miserable on the beach and then here I am miserable on the top of a mountain and then here I am miserable scuba diving and then I'm miserable again smoking a joint in a hot tub every day is truly a new circle of hell for me the simple truth is that I'm not having a kid because I'm happier without them and that's really not of anyone's concern but my own and no I don't hate kids I just don't want them that's what's so great about nieces and nephews I love being an aunt I'm crushing that role guess who gave each one of them their first edible this girl foreign but hey what do I know I'm just an unfulfilled lonely miserable waste of two ovaries so if you want to know the real issues with not having children you need to talk to your OB GYN like I did take a look oh I bet you have been around the world a couple times you're like a [ __ ] GoPro Chelsea hi hi great to meet you you too so I'm just going over your chart here it says you don't plan on having any children no it actually says quote never ever not even if me and Chris Hemsworth were the last two humans on Earth or yeah I mean if he and I hooked up it would probably just be a bunch of butt play [Laughter] okay well um not having kids is a big decision and you should know it's going to affect your body and your life in a major way what kind of ways doctor well for starters your body will never go through the trauma of childbirth you'll have what the medical community calls beautiful boisterous breasts and a very tight tight little little vagina that's funny because I've been hearing a lot about that from different people that I've been having casual sex with giving me different kinds of compliments and I thought it was just dirty talk no no no that's that's a medical term how much sleep do you get I mean it varies anywhere from eight to 16 hours a night you know depending on what I get up to if I go to like one of Leo's sex parties I'll be up really really late and then I'll come home and I'll be starving and then I'll have an entire Pizza in my bed and then I just finish myself off one more time and sleep like a baby is that normal perfectly normal for someone with your condition great it's probably hmm you have a great muscle tone thank you it's probably because I have so much free time to work out after I'm sleeping oh man to that sister are we doing anything that is going to require me to be in a hospital gown today no now I know all this information can be really overwhelming which is why I am going to prescribe some recreational drugs here's a sample for you to take home oh my God I love pills thank you oh oh and there's one more thing we should talk about ultrasound oh I didn't think I was getting an ultrasound today ultrasound the music festival three days in the desert lizzo headlining and I bet you can get there because why you don't have any kids at home to worry about oh my God thank you this is like the best doctor's appointment I've ever had you are so welcome and you know what literally nothing is going to go wrong for you so nice to meet you it was a pleasure to meet you too thank you you're welcome oh by the way you do have gonorrhea [Applause] [Music]

Channel: The Daily Show

Views: 793,583

Keywords: the daily show, the daily show episodes, comedy central, comedians, comedian, funny video, comedy videos, funny clips, daily show, news, politics

Id: pTyJ77Y7XB0

Length: 8min 42sec (522 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 09 2023