Chelsea Handler : Alcohol vs Coffee | Part 1 (Stand Up Comedy)

I had a rough day today again when today bed with my life partner her name is kettle one and we were talking about why I'm still single and came up with some really good ideas I don't cook and I'm not looking to learn [ __ ] okay I don't know how to clean and there's a good chance I may be an alcoholic then guys would be a little bit more supportive of that no all they do is [ __ ] in my uterus feel like it's reaching my way man it's like you were talking all the time you'd be [ __ ] tired too [ __ ] easy I know who decided coffee was a date all of a sudden you know let's go to Starbucks for the coffee bean and get nutty but what is it Frappuccino gonna lead to a piggyback ride No I want for the guy the other night he was you know Chelsea you don't have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around oh my muffins [ __ ] nuts I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around like sit up [ __ ] I was crying okay guys come from I'm from New Jersey and I know that's nothing to brag about set for these two [ __ ] in the front to find Jersey traps anywhere what I mean guys down here are all [ __ ] girl therapy doubt you know everybody don't hate out here they have wonderheart night a trick and they want to throw in the towel hey is for quitters hey ain't another catchphrase rock bottom you hate bottom you could make it something scary okay I didn't write bottom does reason time I [Applause] fo get up next to a billy goat you don't just give up never know when things are going to come together it's like a maze you I've never needed a drink more badly in my life and went once because pretty much court-ordered but I thought I just get back to the ahe give you like a sponsor you know and have those guys you know call me at 2:00 in the morning so I want to have a dream you think I had one come over [Laughter] whom the mommy were saved from [ __ ] warm my friends think I'm too picky then I can't shut up you can't just not go out with the guy because you know he doesn't have a job or a car could use a small penis he could be good at other things like what man what I have a cooperative dating a guy doesn't even have a car it's like [ __ ] high school [ __ ] this is my Manhattan you know you need to get a car don't care if it's a piece-of-shit car used to drive a Toyota Echo ok I don't know if you don't know what that looks like but so will you need to put it reversed you just pick it up and turn it around can't even have a solid when I stand in a life I try to put some waiter home with me on New Year's I put in like two and a half hours of prime time Chelsey time no and we get back to my bed with a thumbs up a little something up aside together listen Lupe this is our last [ __ ] night alright cuz your hopes up get up that pinata party started

Channel: Comedy Time

Views: 46,567

Keywords: comedy videos, stand up videos, funny jokes, funny clips, hilarious videos, hilarious clips, stand up, stand-up, standup, comedy, funny, jokes, routine, comedy time, stand up comedy, best stand up comedy, best comedy, girl stand up comedy, white girl stand up comedy, hilarious comedy videos, chelsea handler, chelsea handler stand up, chelsea handler alcoholic

Id: yq9w44VrNjs

Length: 4min 28sec (268 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 24 2017